I just wish this was talked about more, I wish I didn't have to feel like such a failure as a woman because I am not over the moon with excitement. I guess it's just one step at a time, we are just now starting the important discussion about postpartum depression and you know how we American's are, we like to focus on one subject until we are sick of it. My doctor was comfortable with me telling him that I am still doing everything I need to do for the baby. As much as I am craving the taste of a beer or the relaxation of a glass of wine it's not happening. No matter what I am feeling now I know it's not about me and it's not forever. The end result is a beautiful baby that we will love and cherish.
We did look for a heart beat with the doppler but at 10weeks 5 days I knew it was a long shot. We didn't hear anything. I have an ultrasound on Tuesday so I see the little bugger then. I also set up the NT scan for June 21st which means it will show a perfectly healthy baby, the 21st would have been my dad's 60th birthday so I know I'll feel him there with us.
Basically things are going well in my uterus and we are just working on getting the rest of my body on board.
Isn't Zoloft supposed to not be taken while pregnant? I suppose a doc would know, and you aren't on it yet, but maybe just to look into that...I am excited since this our first, but at the same time I'm also full of worry, and also craving alcohol sometimes (though I rarely drank even before I was pregnant). I hope you, Doc, TC and baby are all doing well! Love the updates!
ReplyDeleteWhen I was first pregnant with my second, my first was 9 months old and my mother in law was pretty sure she was meant to be her mom. It got pretty scary for a bit, until my husband put his foot down because of the stress it put me under, and was instantly disowned. I learned later that the signs I was experiencing were very high risk so I was glad we were disowned, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteSo ... um ... stressful first 3 months. After that it settled down, and while it wasn't the easiest pregnancy, it wasn't the worst either. That said, at that time I could not imagine loving a second kid as much as I loved and knew the first ... how I could divide what I was feeling up. At the time I had a favourite lullaby, I Have You from the album Lullaby Berceuse: A Warm Prairie Night. The song is full of lines like, "Some have silk and caviar, but I have you, I have you ..." etc. As I sang it I really felt like I was about to betray my beautiful and totally sensitive little girl, and I thought I was lying to her, in a way.
I don't think I was ambivalent, because I knew then what it was like to have siblings, and in my world how incredibly essential that was growing up in our situation. And also, how important my sisters are to me now that I am an adult. But also, having two (very disfunctional) only-child parents made all of us pinky swear that we would do everything in our power to not have onlies. (disclaimer: I don't think onlies are bad, I acknowledge that my opinion is very skewed ...)
Anyway, to shorten what could go on forever, when she, my second daughter, came, I felt more love ... different love, but none of the betrayal feelings that I felt before. It was exactly what people (women) had said, only yummier.
Which just went to show me that I think too much, and that things never, ever turn out the way I imagine they are going to.
I guess what I am trying to say is that Hallmark commercials are very different from reality and what you are feeling is real and normal and healthy and you are in for a fantastic second act, and however many more are in your future, not even you know for sure! So, I'm not going to tell you to enjoy it because that is full of the bs ... just ride this wave like you ride all of the other ones ... with the usual style, grace and you always show.
See?! This is why I haven't commented much lately. I'm just too verbose these days. Much love.
Do NOT feel like a failure!! You are right, this does need to be talked about more. They talk about post-partum depression, but not partum depression{?? I guess it would be called} And I am guilty about not talking about it myself. I too have suffered from depression with both of my pregnancies. I have never taken anti depressants for it, but it has been a really rough time for me. That is one of the reasons this baby is going to be our last. I too have struggled with feeling like a bad mom because all of these feelings, but I just have to keep reminding myself it's the hormones. As soon as my baby pops out I am happy and back to my old self, but the entire pregnancy is really rough. I plan on doing a blog post of my own about this soon. We really need to bring more awareness to this issue. I hope you are able to do whatever is takes to make you feel good for the rest of this pregnancy. My thoughts will be with you!
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