Last week Doc decided that we should have him come out to Washington and help us move to AZ and then stay. (Yes in the next few weeks.) I understand where he's coming from, I really do. His dad isn't going to clean up his act in his current situation. He needs to make a clean start. For those who haven't been around his dad is a drinker and drug abuser, prescription pills I believe. He's have several DUIs but when he's clean he's a great guy. I think my issue is pretty clear. I just feel like no matter what I lose in this situation.
Yes, obviously I want him to get clean once and for all. I would love for my kids to have a grandfather, one that isn't going to flake out but at the same time so much has changed since last we talked about this. Most obviously is the addition of a brand new baby, I am not even excited for him to be there to watch TC when I have the baby but someone has to be. I think family bonding time is really important when a newborn comes home. I love freely breastfeeding and napping and working out and whatever else I want to do when I want to do it. Doc asked why don't I just cover up to BF, I hate doing that in public I refuse to do it in my own home.
I feel like we will need this time to be sure TC knows that she is still 100% loved and cherished. And lets face it, recovering from giving birth isn't pretty. I know Doc's father would do his best to not get in the way of all of this but is that really fair to anyone? The whole point to having him live with us is for him to be an active part of a family.
There are so many other questions too, he is on disability because he was thrown from a roof while working, would he be able to get that out of state? Massachusetts is pretty liberal with it's programs and Arizona isn't known to be liberal at all, will they have things like the out patient volunteer place he goes daily back home? How is he going to get around? I'm not sure what the state of his license is at this point and I know I am not committing to driving him all over creation. And then there is the major question, what if he relapses? Doc says he would be out f that happens but it's not really an issue of if but how. Would it be around our kids? Would he hurt someone? I know a few google searches would answer a few of these questions but this it Doc's deal and he hasn't even looked.
Of course there are the other issues like getting him cleared to live on post, who knows with the record he's put together. The the other big thing is he would have to quit smoking, not cut back or just smoke outside. Both Doc and I are anti smoking and don't want even third hand smoke in our home.
Where do I really stand on this? I would be willing to give it a try, it's not forever. If he needs this to finally get his life together then how can I deny that? But at the same time I wish I wasn't in this situation...
I saw your post on Twitter about this and I'm going to be totally honest with you. I wouldn't do it. As someone that has personally had an addiction problem with prescription medicine, I know first hand that addiction is a strong and scary thing. I was prescribed the medication for several health problems, which I still have and deal with, and remember when I was going through withdraw, screaming at my mom and telling her that if she wasn't going to help me and was going to leave me in pain, to just leave me the hell alone. It's a horrible thing and it's stronger than family and love, I don't care who you are or what you say, and I've never lived as an addict's life, as it sounds like your FIL has, but I would be very weary of it. I've never told my BFF this stuff, let alone a complete stranger, but hopefully that sheds light on how weary I would be.
ReplyDeleteOh man. That's such a tough spot to be in. If I were in your shoes, I'd say "no." You have a toddler, and one on the way. In addition to a VERY large/long move.
ReplyDeleteMy mother has asked a few times if she could come stay with us to get a fresh start, and because of the drinking, smoking (pot included), and drugs, I said I couldn't. I love her, but I just couldn't. And, all we have is a cat, I couldn't imagine tossing a kid and one on the way in the mix. I've seen her reactions to people when she doesn't get her way, and it's just not pretty.
I don't envy you for being thrown into this situation. If you think Doc will be angry with your not wanting it, maybe you should agree to see if he can pass the post requirements for living on post, and then agree to take it from there, because if he doesn't pass, then there's nothing more to talk/argue about.
Wow Amber. The tough thing is that it doesn't sound like you have much of a choice.
ReplyDeleteI think as long as you and Doc are on the same page with EVERYTHING that this entails, then you're going into it as armed as you can be.
I would certainly try to put some boundaries and expiration dates in place... If the idea is that he get clean, get a job, get a place of his own, etc. then I'd make sure I pushed for deadlines for all of those things to happen - that way you have something to fall back on if this plan doesn't work and you feel like you're being taken advantage of... you know?
But I know it's probably very tough because its HIS father and there's only so much you can say.
The very good thing is that you're a very strong and independent woman and you're not going to let something bad happen to your kids to spare someone's feelings.
If it comes to fruition, I know you'll make it work and you'll feel good knowing that you were the reason he got clean... I'll be praying for you as you embark on this new journey!!
Love,
Amanda