guilt

I know everyone back home understands why I didn't come home for my grandmother's funeral I can't help but feel horrible for it.  Could I have packed my kids on to a plane and flown across the country myself?  Sure, it wouldn't have been fun but it would have been doable.  I chose not to for several reasons, it would cost over $700 to do so for a visit that would have just been a ball of stress and emotion.  There would have been the logistics of what to do with the baby, I wouldn't have had the time to pump and leave her with my in-laws so she would have had to come to the wake and the funeral. 

I keep going over this in my head and justifying it to myself, I have my answer ready for anyone who would ask.  No one would, everyone knows why I didn't go home.  I've been on the phone with family a lot the past few days, I've been getting a play by play of everything, people have been checking in on me which is really nice.  Being far away it's easy to feel forgotten. 

The plan is to go home, as a family, in early August.  My grandmother's ashes will be buried then aas well as my aunt's and father's.  This way Doc and I can get home together, he hasn't been home in 5 years so it's really important that he goes too.  These are all just more justification as to why I didn't go. 

I am sure that I will carry this guilt around for a while.  My grandmother would have hated for me to make a fuss and fly home.  I wont be losing much sleep over it but I will be wondering if anyone out there is judging me. 

This is one of the unspoken burdens of a military family, people know we miss things and are sad about it but I don't think they realize the toll it really takes on us.

In related news, Doc has been great.  He asked several times if I wanted to go home, just to make sure I was doing what was right for me.  Then night we heard that she died he cleared his schedule for Monday & Tuesday in case he had to drive us to the airport (without even telling me).  He has a hard time being sad about old sick people dieing, we all know it's for the better so why cry?  He's been able to put these feelings aside and comfort me, he even tried spooning me in the middle of the night on Sat night, it was sweet but damn I hate that, let me sleep!  Things with him might be hard sometimes but it's so reassuring to know that when I need him, the real pre TBI him, I can catches glimpses of him now and then.