Disclaimer, this is a topic I don't get into often, talking about God isn't the main point of this blog as I am not a "christian blogger" just a blogger who happens to be christian. I had to get these thoughts out of my head tonight if I am ever going to fall asleep.
I was cuddled up in my big empty bed, ready to finally fall asleep before 11PM for the first time in weeks when I remembered to thank God for the blessings we've seen recently. Right as I was in the middle of doing so I got pissed, pissed like I haven't been in a long time.
Yes thank you God for the care Doc is receiving, and for the doctors who are so helpful - but you know what God, screw you too. Screw you for letting this happen to my already perfectly flawed husband. For changing everything, every little thing in our lives changed the moment that vehicle ended up upside down in a dried river bed in East End of Hell, Iraq.
God is looking out for us so well now, right now as in this month but what about that day? What about the months and years since the accident? What about the heartache and pain, but physical and emotional? What about our little girls who have never known their father as a whole man? (Doc's words, not mine.) Thanks for looking out buddy, just 2 years, 10 months too late.
Then of course after having a one sided argument in your head to the creator there is the guilt. The shame spiral. It could have been worse. Perhaps that is what God was doing, keeping it from being worse. I appreciate that, I understand how lucky I am that my husband came home to me - I do, not a day goes by that I don't thank God for that but why did this have to happen at all? His plan...yup HIS plan...what the hell am I supposed to do with that thought, his plan. Can someone tell me where in his plan are the instructions for when my husband tells me that he wishes he died that day? That's the quality of his life on more days than he even admits to me. And now he is being seen by the best doctors in the country, they deal with injuries like Doc's all the time and they are stumped - they can't ease his pain.
What else is His plan? Early dementia? That's a big topic of conversation in this house, my husband not only worries about the strain he puts on our family now but what about the future, the not too distant future. He could lose it all in a matter of decades, slowly watch himself drift away until he is given the gift of no longer knowing what is going on. His plan, that wasn't my plan, not mine and Doc's plan.
But you're not supposed to get mad at God. I'm not supposed to complain about my husband's injuries because someone always has it worse. I know, I get that but right now this isn't about anybody else. I'm not supposed to say that Doc says I would have been better off if he had just died that day because now people are going to think that he's unstable or suicidal. He's not, but he has these low points that he just dumps on me (as he should) and I am there to remind him about God's plan.
Most of the time I can play nice with God, we've had our moments when my fiends died and of course when my dad died so young. But we've found our way back to each other. I am sure I will get there again, I guess that is the good thing about faith in God - I can turn my back on him but he wont turn his back on me. But tonight, I'm pissed.