random rants of an army wife

dear doc

2012-01-29T12:01:00.000-08:00

I love you to pieces, I really do. Even when you are being deliberately annoying because you think it's funny or are using my legs to warm your cold feet. You make me laugh on the reg and that has always been a requirement for anyone lucky enough to marry me.

There is something that drives me nuts and I've made a decision that you're not going to like.

I know that this big sectional looks like a great place to nap and in theory it is, however it's also located in the "hub" of our home. This is where TC plays, Little A hangs out, my computer and the TV are so napping here isn't the best idea. I know, I know your head hurts and you need to sleep. I am not telling you that you can't nap, I'm all for it but from now on I'm no longer protecting you from the elements of this room.

If I can see you then you are part of the day's activities. I don't care if you're in a deep sleep - you're on the couch. If one child is crying and the other needs a diaper change you are being woken up to help. We have 2 kids and there are two of us, when they both need a bath we are both giving baths. I know, it's hard - after all you did wake up every time Little A and I woke up last night...again I'm deeply sorry about that.

We have a wonderful bed that is beyond comfotable and the best thing about it is that is resides at the back of the house behind a fully closing door. If you feel the need to nap make it a real nap and go there. This way I will know that you are unavailable - I'm on my own. While it's more difficult it's not impossible, I do it all the time. And it's a hell of a lot easier than doing it on my own while scowling at your back as you sleep on the couch.

To summarize, if you sleep on the couch I will wake you up when you are needed, if you sleep in the bedroom you will be left alone, keep making me laugh but remember that I am not a foot warmer.

Love,
Your loving and patient wife

(and yes, I have actually told him too)

she's lucky she's cute

2012-01-28T09:52:00.000-08:00

As I was finishing pumping TC told me she needed a new diaper. I was excited I got a full 4oz to stash which is a lot since I haven't been pumping and only have 8oz in the freezer.

After I changed TC's diaper I was in the bathroom dealing with it (cloth diapers, you don't want details I promise) and I come out to see her with my pump full of fresh liquid gold and she has it against her belly and smiles up at me excitedly, "milky!". Luckily there are only 2 small vent holes on the top but she did manage to spill half an ounce.

I seriously almost cried - pathetic but true. Until I build up that freezer stash I am attached to Little A. In WA I was just down the street from civilization so I could run out and chance it but here it's 30 minutes at least each way, there is no way I could go anywhere by myself.

I am glad that TC is showing an interest in what I'm doing, it's much better than her just acting out because she knows I am doing something for the baby. Yesterday she even tried to wear my BabyHawk (linked for people who don't know what I'm talking about not because they are paying me) for her baby doll, obviously it was too big so I gave her the doll carrier she got for Christmas. She was one happy little momma.

Today little A is six weeks old, I hope that I am finding my groove as a mother of 2. TC still cries when I leave and gets stupid excited when I come home so I would say that I am still doing alright in her book and that's really all that matters.

I still like her too but she had better stop spilling my milk!

so much to learn

2012-01-27T17:52:00.000-08:00

Doc is really bad right now, he screamed at TC earlier - really screamed at her bad enough that I felt like I needed to hold her for a while after. It wasn't him, it was the injury and it really sucks. I was feeling bad for myself and the situation then I watched this video from the local news back home. This is my college roommate (the one who dated the lax player who introduced us to the band O.A.R. so I owe her a lot) and her son Brandon.

(sorry I can't embed it but click and go watch)

Family smiles in the face of adversity: wpri.com

She has such a positive outlook on things, she always has. I don't know what I would have done without her in my life, she helped me through so many things she came into my life just as I lost my dad.

I have never once heard her complain about the limitations in her life. There are many things you give up on when your husband is confined to a wheelchair. Although no one would judge her for it she never complains about what she has to go without, she focuses on all the amazing things her husband has brought into her life. Then when Brandon was born, after the diagnosis and the dust had settled it was always a focus on what Brandon can do (and the main thing is smile, he has the most amazing smile). She has dedicated her life to making sure his is as fulfilling as it can be. I want to be like that.

I spend so much time and energy thinking about what life should be like and not what it is. I wish I could focus on all that is good, Doc's got a pretty amazing smile too. But no, I focus on the crap. While I know I'm allowed to hate the situation I shouldn't let it beat me.

This is what I need to focus on - Doc & Addie this afternoon

I think we could all learn something from Jenn, I know I am so blessed to have her in my life.

quick hi

2012-01-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

I had a whole blog in my head but then this happened.

Sorry about the creepy face. We will be back to our regular programing soon.

how I met your father

2012-01-21T19:11:00.000-08:00

I love the show How I Met Your Mother, Doc is less of a fan because Ted is such a douche. I hope no father feels the need to tell his teenagers about the random sex he had before he met their mother but other than that I love the idea of the show. Today I was wondering how I would tell the story to my girls, how far back would I go? I am not sure if I've ever really shared the whole story here, the truth is that it's kind of embarrassing.

I think I would have to start my sophomore year in college, spring semester. That was 2001, I met Doc in 2005 but that semester I met the girl who would be my roommate the next year. It was this roommate who met the boy on the lacrosse team who was going to see a band we had never heard of. I am sure I have enough stories to have an entertaining sitcom, it might have to be on HBO though. Anyway, we all went out and saw O.A.R. and I was hooked. I could go on and on about how the band and their music and how it intertwined with my life up until I finally met Doc.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005, I'm on the O.A.R. email list and they send one out directing everyone to their MySpace page to hear their newest single. I went and thought MySpace seemed kind of fun, I hadn't heard of it. I signed up. A few weeks later I was looking for old friends, I searched by zip code and I saw this face:

I thought he was cute and I had had a few drinks so I clicked. His headline (remember those on MySpace) was a line from my favorite O.A.R. song Hey Girl. "In my mind I miss you at night when you're not here." I decided to send him a message, I was the girl who would walk right up to the hottest guy at the bar and pick him up but for some reason sending a message to some guy on the internet seemed very weird. All I said was "That's my favorite O.A.R. song" and we went from there.

I guess O.A.R. would be our equivalent of the yellow umbrella (if you watch How I Met Your Mother you know what I'm talking about). I still love the band, Doc and I saw them right before he left for his second deployment. If you haven't heard them you should check them out here or better yet see them live - I've done that like 17 times and can't wait to see them again.

Caution, one long sentence ahead:

Had I not spoken up and met my roommate (me to the random girl "you need a roommate for next year? me too") and she hadn't had that fling with the lax player who told us about the show in Providence I would have never gotten obsessed with O.A.R. and wouldn't have gotten the email that lead me to find MySpace at that particular time and I may not have seen Doc's picture and defiantly would not have known what his headline was from and probably would have never met him.

So there it is. How I met my kids' father minus all of the side stories. It all comes down to a band, I just happened to discover while in college.

here's the skinny

2012-01-19T20:02:00.000-08:00

Of course I am going to write a post baby weight post, with TC it seems I was obsessed with my weight and it took forever to lose. This time I am aware of it but it's not the center of my world and, don't hate me, but it's coming off much faster.

I am around 159 right now, that is 2lbs more than were I spent a majority of TC's first year but about 7lbs higher than my prepregnancy weight. What I want is to be 140, at 5'7" that's a happy bikini weight. I have no idea why it's easier this time, I know I've been eating better but that's just because I'm on a restricted diet for breastfeeding and I can't run out for fast food without committing to an hour on the road. I don't really get bored with 2 kids so eating just to eat isn't happening. I've only worked out 3 times but the best news is that I've been cleared to do whatever I want.

I hope to start running soon but not before I order this bad boys.

Zensah Calf/Shin Splint Compression Sleeve I have no idea they will work to keep my shin splints from returning but I will try anything, I want to run! I've read good reviews for these so here's hoping. (I haven't been compensated for talking about these things but if someone wants to send me some for free shoot me an email and I'll give you my address. ha!) I can't wait to start running, even the short distances I go leaves me feeling accomplished and I have never had a better workout.

As far as clothes fitting, it's hit or miss. I still have a pretty nice pooch and there is a fat filled spare tire hanging out on my hips and belly but I can wear my jeans I just need a baggy top to hide that hot mess. I've also been wearing a lot of skirts, the warm Arizona winter allows for that but I have to tell you, it feels weird to have bare legs and flip flops in January. Today I did something nice for myself, which I never do, I bought a new pair of jeans.

The sizing is way off, talk about a blow to the ego! I took off a pair of old navy size 8 jeans and had to buy these in a size 12. But they fit (well the spare tire is still there but I'm not planning on buying new jeans with every pound I lose) so it doesn't matter what the tag says. But if you do buy these at Old Navy just know that you're not a porker these just run really small. Doc thinks they are ridiculous, he asked me who I was taking to homecoming. I always said I wouldn't buy holy jeans but what can you do? I really wanted them because they are lose fitting and that will be nice on hot afternoons.

This is all just a bunch of random crap, but thanks for making it to the end. I guess the bottom line is that I'm glad that I am not self hating like I was after I had TC. I hope that I'm able keep losing, 19lbs sounds like a lot but it's just the goal - there is no drop dead date.

it's really all you huh?

2012-01-16T08:37:00.000-08:00

"It's really all you isn't it? You have to be ready at any moment?"

This is Doc's realization yesterday, and yes this is our second child.

It came about when I was trying to get things done so I could have a few moments to do what I wanted after TC went to bed. I had Little A on the boppy nursing and I was using my free hands to stuff the inserts into TC's cloth diapers. (I felt like quite the crunchy mom at that moment too.) I looked at him, exhausted and said "yea, but I wouldn't have it any other way".

Much like most of my first pregnancy Doc missed this a good portion of the newborn phase with TC. He was home for the first 2 weeks, you know the eat- poop- sleep-repeat-every-three-hours time. By the time she was a newborn who was having awake time and cranky time he was in WLC. He was gone for about 19 hours a day and when he was home he was sleeping. He was also just starting to show signs of his TBI so he doesn't remember much of this time. He doesn't remember much at all about TC as a baby, it breaks my heart. So this is the first time he's really seeing what it's like to have a newborn who is transitioning to an infant. Little A's colic or whatever is going on with her is making it kind of a nightmare.

Doc has been good about trying to let me get sleep, taking the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, the problem is that once I've done the 7AM feeding I'm kind of up and if I'm not I wake up to the sounds of TC playing. Dealing with the past week of super fussiness and the past few nights of screaming from 9PM-1 (2...3)AM it's been all me. Last night when she started up again it was all me, he took her for a bit but couldn't give her the attention she needed (burping, soothing, etc) because he was playing on his computer. I grew more and more frustrated because I had things I needed to do before bed. I think he finally put two and two together (perhaps remembering what he said earlier) and told me to go to bed and he would deal with the baby and bring her in when she needed to eat.

It worked pretty well, I went to sleep for real around 1, he brought her in to me around 4 (they were in the living room), she ate and after about 45 minutes I was back to sleep. She woke up around 7 to eat as TC was waking up in her room. So I fed the baby while listening to TC over the monitor talk to her stuffed animal. I put the baby back down and went and started my day with TC. Doc got a little extra sleep which is nice because he really needs it.

I know this might all sound like regular husband/daddy stuff but a TBI requires a lot of sleep and him sacrificing sleep really messes with him. I think he is seeing the tipping point in our very near future, I can't keep going on 3 hours of sleep a night.

He has his faults but he's a great dad, he loves all 3 of his girls and we really are blessed to have him.

Daddy and his "on leave" beard with TC, they were both so excited to have their picture taken :)

yawn

2012-01-14T13:18:00.000-08:00

TC was such an easy baby, I knew we would be in for it with #2. My poor little girl, last night was horrible, Little A seemed to be in so much pain and there was nothing I could do. My milk was upsetting her stomach so it was a fight for her, she was hungry but her food was hurting her. I have been cutting down on dairy but now I'm totally done for a bit to see if it helps.

It starts around 9PM and keeps going until around 1AM, it started about a week ago with her being fussy and has finally gotten to screaming. Around 10 last night I was searching for colic remedies, being 30+ minutes from town it's not like we could just run out and get gripe water or something else. We just had to wait it out and I had to constantly nurse. She was eating so slowly, and I can't blame her.

Sure I wish I was getting more sleep but mostly I feel bad for her, it's heartbreaking to know that you are the reason she's in pain. I am really doing my best not to complain though, she's 4 weeks old and newborns aren't known for sleeping through the night.

The other day I got my first smile. I would stay up for a week just to see that smile.

Tonight she gets her first taste of Patriots playoff football - perhaps I should make her some gear like I did for TC

vintage TC

So that's the latest from the desert.

kids, I have kidS!

2012-01-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all of the input on my last post, we went to the market today to stock up on produce and spent $198! Being healthy is expensive. I feel bad that I am not going vegan with him but I just can't, that might make me seem like a bad wife but so be it. I put up with enough to know that's not the case.

I'm still getting used to being responsible for one helpless child and now I have 2, it's crazy. I still feel like a kid myself, and thinking about my parents feeling this way totally weirds me out.

Adjusting to life with two has been a bit of a challenge. I'm perfecting my triage skills, Several times a day they both need something and choosing between the two is impossible. I'm also becoming a pro at nursing while walking around, I haven't reached Michelle Duggar status but I can live with that. TC is doing as well as can be expected. She caught on early that I can't always hop up while I'm nursing so that's when she acts out the most. I think I am going to teach her to nurse her babies so that we can just do it together. Another thing that works well is having her grab a book to read while I nurse. I get to do my 2 favorite things with my girls, I love nursing and I love reading with TC.

Since I am nursing I have to take the majority of newborn duties which means Doc spends even more time with TC. The other day it really hit me, I miss her! She's right there but I miss the time we spent together, I miss thinking of her as my baby, I miss seeing her as a small little thing. I had a nice ugly cry about it. I'm doing my best to keep the same rituals that we've always had. We've always started the day with breakfast, she sits at the counter in the kitchen and eats while I empty the dishwasher (or some other chore). These days it's mostly the same because Little A sleeps in (since she's up from 3-6AM) but somedays I have to hold or nurse the baby. I still try to read as many stories as she wants during the day, to eat lunch together...I'm doing my best to make the transition smooth. The problem arises when she acts out, she does it more so she get in trouble more. So now she has less attention during the day and a good amount of that attention is negative.

She's finally showing interest in coloring so that is something new we can do together. It's so fun. I've also been able to take her across the street to the playground just me and her (if the baby needs to eat Doc can just call me and I can be right home). Now that I'm not huge I can actually play on the playground with her. Once I'm able to really start pumping we can make some real outings just the two of us.

I love having 2 kids, I am not at all complaining. I can't wait for the day when they can actually interact. Once Little A starts to smile TC will be able to make her smile which will be awesome. TC loves to make her audience laugh.

I'm too lazy to rotate it.

look how hairy her forehead is, just like TC.

Doc, the meat eating vegan

2012-01-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

It seems like a lifetime ago that we were worried about Doc's MRI and I'm sorry that I never updated the situation. The biggest fear was that the abnormality on his MRI was a calcified lymph node which could have been caused by a few cancers as well as other issues. The good news is that it's not a lymph node, the bad news is that it's a blocked/dead vein clogged with cholesterol. Yea, my 30 year old husband has a problem with cholesterol.

Cholesterol is a bitch, you can be the healthiest individual on the outside but on the inside you can be a total mess for no other reason than crappy genetics. Now, that wasn't Doc's situation and we know that but before the accident he was a muscular guy, active, ate a decent diet - he checked all the healthy boxes. After the accident he packed on 30lbs in a short time with the help of the 4700 prescriptions thrown at him. I have no idea is the rapid weight gain made this issue worse but I can't imagine it helped.

Since receiving this news Doc has been trying to change his eating habits. He has been reading about food and what it really does to you. One of the doctors he works with has seen great results by just going vegan, rapid results. I'm a horrible wife but I'm not on board. I don't like beans and veggies and tofu enough to make them my entire diet. Hell I don't like tofu at all! Not only does he want to go vegan but he also wants to go glutton free. Basically all he can eat on this diet is dehydrated beans, tofu, and stuff that grows from the ground. Doc's been doing a good job of making food that follows the rules and is eating by the rules about 50% of the time and in the past few weeks has dropped a good amount of weight.

To me it's crazy - I'm all about everything in moderation.

The next step after he's lost a little more weight is a 10 day fast. Yes fast, as in only water for 10 days. They wants to put him on a quarters profile so he can do this. Doc is a total diva when he's hungry - 10 days of water only, I don't think we will both survive.

is it friday yet?

2012-01-03T15:43:00.000-08:00

If you're following me on Twitter you know how frustrated I am with my FIL. I knew that him being here for a month would be too long but we had no idea when the baby would come and I wanted to be sure TC was comfortable with him before we had to go to the hospital. But man, a month is a long time. At least now I am sure (as I would be Doc is as well) that I made the right choice by saying he can not live with us full time.

He's not a bad guy, let me just say that to be sure that it's clear. He's not - he really loves the girls and I'm glad they are having a chance to spend time with him (well TC anyway, Little A is a bump on a log). My main thing is that he's a smoker, he's been smoking outside but he's still not following my rules. I told him that I don't want any tops that he's worn smoking in the house. He has a jacket he wears when he's smoking in the backyard but I had to tell him to zip it up and remind him to wash his hands. When he goes out for a walk he smokes and then just wears whatever he had on while smoking in the house. He's been here for a month, I can smell smoke in my house. Once he's gone I will be shampooing the couches and fabreezing the crap out of everything.

I know people think that the job of the grandparents is to spoil the kids but when you're spending a month with those grand kids the little bit of spoiling turns into spoiled. He lets TC play with his iPod touch even though I asked him not to, she isn't allowed to play with our smartphones and it just confuses her. He feeds her junk food all day long. We aren't food crazy or anything, she gets some junk but the staples of her diet are fruits, veggies, and other yummy healthy options. Just this morning he gave her a cookie at 11:15, way too close to lunch (and ask the parents if she can have a cookie). When he was making a pie she saw the apples and wanted a few slices, he brought her over apples covered in sugar and cinnamon - she loves APPLES why give her that crap when she would have been over the moon with just apples (and that was 30 minutes before bedtime...fun). Her digestive system has been messed up because of the junk and she's gained a pound. Doc and I have been trying to get her back on track but it's not easy. And he gives her whatever he's eating so she now thinks that everyone's plates are just a buffet for her.

Today TC was eating her lunch and FIL was heading out to the bowling ally, as he does everyday to get some nasty mess for lunch and he asked if we wanted anything. We didn't then he started talking to TC about french fries - she was not eating fries and we had no plans to give her any. Of course she's not even 2 so she hears french fries and she thinks she's getting them. She refused to eat her sandwich, I told him that he was confusing her as he left. When he came home with his food he brought it into the living room where we all were and refused her fries. Why would he do that? He knows that she's going to want them and there are plenty of other places where he could have eaten them. I just took her to the other room until he was done.

The other major issue is his eating, he did give us money for food which was nice and unnecessary but I didn't expect that he would eat everything! When I was craving brown sugar I made coffee cake and told him to help himself, he ate 3/4 of it and I had to ask him to save some for the pregnant lady. Then there was the pie, Doc was excited because his dad makes a mean apple pie, I made the crust for him and he made the rest. Then next morning he have a "piece" which was 1/4 of the pie then directly after he had that one he had another 1/4 pie piece. I had a small piece that night then he finished it, Doc didn't get any. He also gorged on the lemon bars I made and our Christmas leftovers. He said he hoped to lose weight while he was here since the weather is so nice, he does go for daily walks be he walks his fat ass over the the bowling ally/diner to eat bacon egg and cheese sandwiches or entire small pizzas. The least he could do if he's going to eat everything I make as if no one else in the house matters is thank me for busting my ass in the kitchen.

He has done some things around the house that I appreciate but over all it's been a disaster. It's to the point where when I see him I tense up and find an excuse to leave the room. I can't wait to have my house back, and it will be nice to nurse in my own home without a cover...

2011 in review

2011-12-31T12:14:00.000-08:00

I've done this the past few years, it's kind of stupid and MySpace-ish but oh well

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?
Hmmmm, I guess went to California. We drove through it then went back to go to the San Diego zoo.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Well last year I said I just wanted to survive, did that. Once again I am saying I want to get back to a weight that I am comfortable with after having a baby.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, other than myself a few people did.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
close to DH, my grandmother is still hanging on back home.

5. What places did you visit?
San Diego, just the zoo but it was a great day trip.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
Some peace of mind, I wish we had answers (I'm keeping this the same as last year)

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb 5 - TC's first B-day, it was such a nice day and my mom was able to come and celebrate
April 21 - the 10th anniversary of my dad's death and the day we found out we were expecting #2
August 8 - the day we took off from WA to AZ
December 17 - the day Little A was born

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
being a great mother of 2!

9. What was your biggest failure?
Is it bad if I am having a hard time thinking of one? I know I've had some but nothing so major that it sticks out as the biggest. I can just think of running, my shins but that's not really in my control.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2nd degree tear haha, killer shin splints

11. What was the best thing you bought?
kitchenAid Stand mixer, I am sure I will want to upgrade to a bigger one soon but for now I'm happy

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
once again, TC. She did so great with the move, my pregnancy, and becoming a big sister. She amazes me.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Doc's old unit as a whole and the TBI clinic

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
having a second baby, really really scary and exciting!

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
hmmmm, Till The World Ends, TC loves dancing to some Britney

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier
b) thinner or fatter? fatter but the baby weight is coming off
c) richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
kept in touch with my friends back home

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
feeling sick, that pregnancy was hard

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2011?
With my husband, daughters and father in law at our new home in AZ.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
like you wouldn't believe, Little A is amazing and watching TC around her makes me love her more than I thought I could.

22. What was your favorite TV program?
ummm...Glee I think

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2011?
packed the moving truck all day then went out to lunch

24. What was the best book you read?
yikes, I didn't!

25. What did you want and get?
a healthy baby (again)

26. What did you want and not get?
to move to the east coast

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Bridesmaids

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
I did

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
my family, seems to be coming together

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
maternity crappy

31. What kept you sane?
no other choice, one pf us has to be :)

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ugh non - I am not impressed by those people

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
those stupid occupiers...

34. Who did you miss?
Everything about home but that's no different than any year

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
We really have no control. (Keeping this one too)

hurting (and other complaints)

2011-12-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

I know it's only been 12 days but by this time with TC I was working out already. I should have expected the recovery to be harder this time, TC weighs 25lbs and I pick her up countless times a day. I'm still taking Motrin 600 but my uterus just plane hurts. When we are out I start limping after about 20 minutes and when I stand up it takes about a full minute before I can stand up straight. I don't know if this is entirely normal, I called the nurse at my OB's office and she told me to take it easy for a few days and see if it gets better.

Take it easy, I don't really know how to do that. I told Doc that I wasn't supposed to pick TC up for a few days and he thought that was pretty funny, honestly who can stop picking up their kid? She needs to get in and out of her crib, her booster seat, her car seat and also needs momma cuddles now more than ever. Yesterday my take it easy included taking down the Christmas tree and moving my furniture back into place. Doc has been a lot of help, the problem is that I need to ask for help. I am not so great at this, I love that he's helping but I feel bad asking - in my mind if he wanted to help he would just do it. I told him this and he's doing his best to take initiative but he doesn't see the same messes that I see.

My major annoyance is my father in law, but that is a post of its own.

These past few days I've had some really bad bleeding, it makes me really nervous because I thought I was done with that. And I've been researching what the bleeding and pain can mean and it scares that crap out of me. So far I haven't hit the mark the nurse told me to look for so I haven't been checked out (trying to not be too graphic). I just hope it goes away so I can stop stressing. I would also like to stop hurting so I can start working out, or at least walking! I've lost 15lbs but need another 12 to get back to mt starting weight (which was 150 - remember after TC I was stuck on 157 for ever but started using the daily burn app and dropped some weight). I really want to get back to 140 but at this point I just want to fit into at least one pair of jeans with a zipper. If my size 4s never again see daylight I will survive.

Doc really has been great, like super great. He's a good father, he has been since day one with TC and he's juggling both of them so well. It's obviously harder for me because I have the baby attached to my boob several times a day and TC uses that time to act out. I just with Doc had a little more patience with her when she acts out but that's nothing new. The lack of sleep has been really hard for him, his headaches are horrible when he can't sleep. He's slept on the couch a few times just to get some sleep. I'm alright with this, he can't do much at night anyway. Addie's been sleeping so well, I've been putting her down around 11 in her bassinet then she usually wakes around 2 and around 6 then we get up around 9 (Doc gets up with TC). I can't complain about that! Last night she was up every 2 hours but I was able to get up with TC this morning which was nice, I miss our mornings together.

The hardest part has been the dynamic change with TC. I can't pinpoint it, I am not treating her differently and she's not really acting differently but something is different. She's the big sister now, not the baby. I miss her even though she's usually right next to me. Gah, I'm going to cry even just thinking about it. It's an adjustment, I just hope I'm doing enough to balancing it all and TC knows that she is still my little lady.

Santa

2011-12-24T17:21:00.000-08:00

I know some people will think I'm crazy for taking my 6 day old to see Santa but yesterday that is exactly what I did. I did keep her wrapped up in her own blanket to try to keep any germs away.

The first success of the day was that I survived on my own with both girls, TC was in the stroller and baby sister was in my Moby wrap (seriously, how do moms of more than one exist without this thing? not only is it hands free but it keep people out of her face). You may remember last year when TC and Santa became best friends, this year she was a little stand offish at first. I think a lot of it had to do with everyone making such a big deal about the baby but once she was safe in Santa's arms it was ALL about TC. And she hammed it up as she always does.

The best part about it all was that I won a $55 package from a local mom's website so I didn't have to spend a dime. Santa pictures weren't really in the budget so this was a big plus.

Sure this might be picture overload but I can't pick which I love best.

frustrated with my care

2011-12-20T14:03:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that my doctor has been great, I had a few long waits before appointments but that's my only complaint with him. I would have preferred to have my old doctor from Ft. Lewis but oh well.

When we went into triage last week the nurse who checked us out, well I don't want to get into it because I know it's upsetting for some but she started talking to me about baby loss. As if that wasn't always on my mind. At that point I thought that was uncalled for and when I told my doctor he was floored.

The nurses in L&D were great, they listened to my requests and answered all of my questions. If I pushed the button they were in very fast. After A was born they were all about letting me hold her and getting as much skin to skin and breastfeeding time as I wanted before they took her for her vitals and stuff.

My first nurse in recovery was great too, I'm glad I had the good one first because she had to help me use the bathroom and get me fitted into my sexy mesh undergarments. After her shift was over it went down hill.

The day nurse that came on had an accent so thick that she had to repeat almost everything she said, I think that annoyed her because she stopped coming in really. I asked for information about Group B Strep because I was positive and I wanted to know if there was anything specific that I had to look for, I asked her 4 times and she finally brought them in. Later when she was in asking about TC's feeding schedule and I told her the last time I tried she wasn't into it and just wanted to sleep. The nurse then asked if I was planning on supplementing with formula and I said no and she acted shocked and concerned "you're not?!". She knows I plan to breast feed and I think she should have been more supportive of that and offered a lactation consultant before a bottle. Had this been my first time and I was feeling bad about A's hesitation to eat I would have been very flustered and who knows what I would have done. (No I don't think formula is poison but choosing to breastfeed and sticking to it is hard and if that is what one wants to do they need as much encouragement as possible).

Because this nurse was so frustrating I decided that I would be leaving that night, I would be alright to go when A hit 24 hours at 7:51. This nurse knew all day that this was my plan. The baby still needed her genetic testing and I needed my DTaP... I made sure several times that we would be good to leave at 8 and she said yes. The shift change happened at 7 and we were there, waiting. Finally my new nurse came in and I again asked about our discharge and reminded her of everything that we needed done. This woman was even worse, I asked her to repeat what she was saying a few times and later decided that I would never understand her so I gave up and just did the nod and smile thing.

At 8 she took A for her testing after I finally got my shot. Then she got my paperwork together and started signing me out. I asked if I would get anything with information about my birth and A, the regular hospital discharge stuff that I got with TC and after every ER visit I've had. She said no I don't need any of that. I told her I did for my Aflac paperwork but she said they don't give that out. Well today when I got the A's first appointment I was asked for it - they seemed annoyed that I didn't have it but I assured them I asked for it. The doctor today had no information about my baby.

Finally I have to bitch about my doctor today. She told me that I need to "step it up" on breast feeding because A's weight was down 10oz. I haven't gotten more than 3 hours of sleep a night because I am up all night feeding and I feed on demand all day. I am perfectly fine with the dip in weight that she's had, and when TC had a similar dip everyone assured me she was fine. This doctor wants me to wake her to feed every 2 hours. Nope, that's not going to happen - waking a baby just to have her scream and not want to feed isn't going to help anyone. She's making me come back on Thursday to have her weighed. Once these appointments are done I will be switching doctors. Tell me to step it up, F you lady. Once again, a less experienced breastfeeder may have been discouraged.

The good news is that you aren't stuck with a doctor, you have a choice. We will bring A to the clinic on post, if the medics doing vitals stink like smoke I will speak up about that too. Just a friendly PSA for others unhappy with their medical care remember that doctors work for you, while you may not write a check directly but your insurance does.

And for fun here's a picture of my girls.

Number 2 is here

2011-12-19T14:42:00.000-08:00

I turned off anonymous comments because of all the spam, sorry! You can always just email me if you have a comment and don't have an account. Also, I didn't reread this so sorry about typos, I'll fix it later.

I am going off of about 9 hours of sleep since friday so hopefully I will at least be writing in complete sentences. But I figured I should share the happy news since I was just called out on facebook (or it was for someone else and I am just that self centered).

On Friday morning I had my 39 weeks appointment, my doctor and I were talking about an induction which was never part of my birth plan but we were afraid that the pregnancy was causing damage to my back. Doc was on board because he had seen how hard it was getting for me to get around and he was beyond discouraged that the extreme contractions I had been having weren't doing anything. Because of the holidays there were a lot of inductions on the schedule so we decided that I would just go to labor and delivery while he was on call, that would be the next day.

Doc immediately entered shock mode. We finished up our shopping and went home. The rest of the day was kind of a blur - I was doing my best not to spill the beans to my family or most of my friends, we decided a long time ago to wait until after the baby arrived to tell anyone we were even at the hospital. I am so glad we did, I didn't have to worry about keeping everyone updated and I didn't have the stress of being sure I called the right people first. We didn't get much sleep that night, we were excited/worried/antsy for Saturday to get there.

We woke up, ate breakfast and made sure TC was all set with Doc's father (I may or may not have cried while putting together her sippy cup). We got to the hospital around 10AM and followed my doctor's orders, say I thought I was in labor. The triage nurse hooks me up and there we sat and waited...nothing. The one day I needed to have contractions I had zero! She called my doctor and he told her to admit me and he would induce based on my medical history and that I was complaining of back labor. For the next 3ish hours he fought with the nursing staff and finally got me in. Doc was beyond frustrated because those 3 hours could have been spent giving me the antibiotic I needed before delivery. We finally got to the delivery room and then I started having contractions and even dilated a centimeter before they started the Pitocin. The nurses said they were going to make me wait four hours before even starting the pit so the antibiotic could be in my system. After 2 hours my doctor poked his head in and Doc filled him in, within a few minutes the pit was started. There seemed to be quite a power struggle between my doctor and the charge nurse all day...

Things were picking up, I was having contractions but nothing unbearable, I waited until 5 to ask for my epidural. At that point the pain wasn't the worst thing in the world but I didn't think I wanted it to be much worse while I had to sit still for the epi. The anesthesiologist tried to kick Doc out of the room but I begged him to let him stay, he said that it was because some dads think they can handle it but freak when the see the needles and pass out...we chuckled and I told him that Doc was a medic and has seen far worse. They chatted for a bit and Doc told him that he worked for Special Ops and the guy knew he was fine, they were talking about chest tubes and other gross stuff that Doc does.

This epi was different that what I had with TC, they don't give as strong of a dose as I got with TC which made me nervous but what can you do? I couldn't really feel any contractions and I was nervous that they were stalling out but they assured me I was still going. I pushed my epi button about an hour after I got it and suddenly felt really tired - like I thought I was going to pass out and have no way to pushk this kid out, I looked over at my BP and it was like 80/50 or something like that, the nurses shot something in my IV and I was back. Around then they checked me and I was moving right along. The nurse told me to call her when I felt pressure in my bottom, I told her there was pressure but not quite in my bottom more towards the front of that area. She said it was fine and off she went.

Doc was playing on his computer and I was playing on my phone when the pressure (still not on my bottom) got really bad and I stated to freak out. I didn't feel that with TC and with this came more water (which I thought was all out since they broke it) in my head I was losing blood. Doc freaked out because he couldn't do anything to help me. The nurse checked me and assured me that everything was fine and I was ready to go. I begged for my doctor to hurry up and I prepared Doc that he might see something he doesn't want to see...

This is my second child, you would think I would remember all of this but the truth is that I hardly remember any details about TC birth. As soon as we walked in the hospital that morning I kind of detached myself from it all and I felt like I was watching someone else go through it. That and I was 10cm for a long time before TC was ready and I had to push her down for over a hour before she was in position. That and the totally numb epi it was different. I am not saying that one birth experience was better than the other I'm just glad I got to have both.

(This is the graphic part - it's not too bad) The doctor rushed in and I tried a push with the nurse while everyone was getting ready, one big push (three breaths through one contraction) the head was half way out. Another dark haired little girl! Then my doctor came over and 2 contractions later she was on my chest.

I was in love, right away - just smitten. Doc too, his face was amazed. (He admitted that he has almost no memory of TC's birth because it was 3 weeks after his TBI.) I wished TC could have been there right away but was grateful for time alone with Adair.

We are home now, I will post about my hospital stay and TC's reaction soon but until there here is our little lady.

baby watch 2011

2011-12-14T09:06:00.000-08:00

I guess I haven't given a baby update in a while but as you could have guessed, I am still pregnant. I'm 38 weeks and 4 days (my doctor has me at 39 weeks today). She has dropped down quite a bit, here is my picture taken yesterday.

We had a false alarm on Sunday, I had contractions coming on top of one another. I went in to town to do some shopping and get my toes done. While I was getting my feet done I had several irregular but strong contractions. On the drive home they were still coming, I was almost in tears. I was driving so I couldn't really time them, I was more concerned with getting home before I could no longer drive due to the pain. I got home and they continued, about 2-3 minutes apart and strong lasting about a minute each. I installed the car seat and finished packing my bag, Doc put TC to bed and we went to the hospital. I would have stuck it out at home but we live a hour from the hospital, I am GBS+ so I need a short at least 4 hours before I deliver and TC's delivery was really fast. If I was in labor I really wanted to be at the hospital.

I got there, they checked me and I was just where I was on Friday at my appointment. I walked for an hour and made no change so we went home. I really thought that was it, it hurt more than my contractions that made me go to the hospital with TC. But here I am, still pregnant so obviously it was nothing.

My emotions are way out of control, I could cry over nothing these days. I have an unhealthy love of brown sugar, I grab a pinch of it every time I go into the kitchen. I even made a coffee cake from scratch this morning because I wanted the crumbly brown sugar bits. Picking up TC and playing with her is getting harder and harder, luckily Doc has been pulled from all drop zone coverages until Christmas break. He was nervous because many are about 2 hours away and he would have to wait for his replacement to get out there before he could even come back - that's 4 hours! He's home more which is nice because then it's not just me and his dad and TC.

I know I have time, I am just hoping she is all cooked in there and decides to come out...today. My mom called and was upset that I wont be updating when I'm in labor - I told her she can thank her 3rd born for that one. She is bothering me to just tell her, I can't do that - everyone will know once she's here. If I tell anyone in the family (mine or Doc's) I know I will be wondering if they are spreading the word.

That's pretty much it. I'm spent. TC is having a day today and the pup decided to pee on her bath toys marking in the house for the first time ever. If for no other reason I want to have the baby so I can have a nice stiff (well not really - that would knock me on my ass) drink.

please don't call her that

2011-12-13T08:12:00.000-08:00

I am obviously not an expert in child development or child psychology so feel free to take what I'm saying with a grain of salt. I am not claiming to know the answers, I just have a few observations.

I am doing my best to let TC decide who she wants to be. Right now she loves books but I'm catching myself every time I call her a book worm. She really has no interest in toys and could sit with her books all day but I still want to expose her to as many different toys and things as possible. I don't want to box her up so early in life.

When she's being a brat I try my best to ask her to stop acting bratty and not say "being a brat", I've called her my little monster before but that is when she's being cute and not being a monster at all. I try to keep from labeling her ever, even if it's just on facebook where I know she can't see it, everyone else can. I would hate to have a bad day and call her Teagan the Terrible and have it stick or for her to see it someday (we all know the internet lives on forever). The only nicknames I want for her are just silly and not at all reflective of behavior.

I've mentioned several times the issues I had growing up, how my stepmother made everything hard for me, well it still affects me today. I felt like every embarrassing thing I did or mistake I made she was on the phone telling her sister or God only knows who else. I had no privacy and was quickly labeled at emotional and snobby. I wasn't either of these things but as time went on I became very emotional, mostly because I think that is what was expected of me. The snobby part was only because I had been made very self conscious and in turn a quite kid.

These are the reasons I am careful what I share about TC on FB and even here, when she's 13 how will she react to someone telling her they remember pictures of her on the potty and the announcement of her first potty poop? Is it really necessary for everyone to know that she isn't ready for potty training and asks for her diaper or poops on the floor? No, it's not and I know first hand that family will use these little tid bits later on in life thinking they are funny but really just to embarrass my daughter.

I don't want to call her names, I don't want her behavior as a child to define her. I know we will go through phases when I will be tempted to box her up but I'm going to do my best not to. I'm trying to get Doc on board but he doesn't get it, he has no idea what it's like to be a girl and feel the need to please everyone.

I few weeks ago I mentioned that I hate cleaning in front of people, I have very detailed memories of my stepmother calling me Cinderella while I was doing my chores or when it was my turn to do the dishes. Many times it was around people outside of the family (while we were camping during the summers, there were always people at our campsite) and everyone thought it was so funny. My face would change and then I would be the snob with no sense of humor. She never did this to my siblings, hell they could get away without doing their chores and still be perfect. I remember that pain, I am feeling that pain now just thinking about it. I will never make my daughter feel like that, I will not put her down for my own sport.

I tell TC all the time that she has choices, she can chose how she acts and in turn chose the outcome. (Exp "TC you can sit at the table and eat your berries or you can have no berries at all, it's your choice.) I, as her mom, have choices too and I chose to raise my daughter knowing that when she wakes up everyday she makes the choice of who she wants to be. Who she was yesterday is a thing of the past, what matters is what she decides for herself today.

50,000

2011-12-12T08:32:00.000-08:00

My goodness, it's hard to blog when you have family around who don't know you blog (and you are trying to keep it that way).

Yesterday I was driving the long drive into town when I looked at my odometer and saw it, exactly 50,000 miles. When I drove the car off the lot it had 17 miles and that included my test drive. To truly understand why I love my car you have to understand where I'm coming from.

My first car was a 1988 Reliant K car, it was 1998 and I was 18 and a senior in high school. The side were white and shiny but the top was dull and yellowish from what I guess to be 10 years of under tree parking. At first it wouldn't go over 50 in the highway (which I am sure my dad was alright with) and after that was fixed I brought it with me to college. One day while I was working at the mall the car decided to spill a very full tank of gas all over the parking garage. No one knows why it happened, the guess is a computer error but it was a mess. The fire department had to be called, no one around me was allowed to start their car, and when flushing the gas the fire alarms in the mall went off.

From that car I got my ex-boyfriend's old car, a 1987 Pontiac Fiero, yup a black 2 seater. Can I tell you how fun it is to drive a car like that during a New England winter? I drove this car from January 2000 until July 2000. This car had a radiator issue and the cab would fill up with anti freeze exhaust. At least anti freeze smells good. My dad followed me to the shop to have it fixed and when I could no longer see through the fog I opened my window and my dad said it was like an old Cheech & Chong movie with the amount of smoke that came out. That car quit on a drive home from Boston, I had just spent $300 to have the water pump fixed it over heated and the head gasket head cracked. Dead.

After that my mom gave me her 1986 Buick Skylark. No real stories about this, it was just ugly and I drove it until it died in 2001.

From there my stepfather gave me his 1985 5 speed Ford Escort hatchback. At one point it had been red but by the time I had it it was orange. I drove that all of junior year. It was my first stick shift and I am so glad that I was able to learn to drive stick on it, it had a band new clutch so yay! This is the car I was driving when I blew a tire and did a 540 spin on 295 in Rhode Island and ended up facing the wrong direction in morning rush hour traffic. This car was ghetto fab, while it was a POS car it had a CD player with a remote! I drove it until the wheels literally fell off.

Next up was my 1988 Mercury Cougar. This black monstrosity was a beast. I used enough gas to keep a small middle eastern country running. It had rear wheel drive so it was another horrible car for New England winters, unlike the Fiero I couldn't just pick this car up and move it. It was a tank, the doors weighted more than me and the radio didn't always work. The good thing about the car? I could fit like 12 girls in there. I drove that from 2002-early 2004. That is when it died for good in my work parking lot.

Next, and last before my current car, my 1992 Honda Accord - a car from the 90s! I loved it. A coworker had a "beater" to sell and it became my every day car. $500 and a few hundred on repairs and I drove that car from 2004-2007. That was the single best investment I have ever made. It didn't always turn on right away but it always eventually started. We drove away from our wedding in that car, we drove to our new home in NC in that car. I kind of loved that car and was sad when I finally sold it.

So in 2007, when we bought me a 2007 Hyundai Santa Fe I felt like I was living a dream. Finally a car that wasn't embarrassing to take through the drive thru, a car that started every time I turned it on, a car that Doc and I bought together.

Since then those 50,000 miles have taken me home to MA from NC for my sisters wedding. From NC to GA to spend a week with my friend when her husband was KIA. From MA to WA to our first real duty station after 2 years of training. To and from 3 of Doc's deployments. It was the first car TC ever rode in. It brought Doc to the ER when he was having his initial TBI symptoms. It brought is from WA to AZ to start a new chapter of our life. Later this month it will be the first car our second daughter rides in. I can't wait to see what the next 50,000 miles have in store.

Our newest addition, FIL that is

2011-12-06T08:31:00.001-08:00

Doc, TC and I drove into Phoenix on friday to pick up his father. The drive was long and boring and super uncomfortable (getting ready for #2 we've moved TC's car seat over and it's huge so to rear face the passenger seat needs to be way up) but the heated seats helped my back :). About 2 hours into the drive I had a bit of a geek out when I saw a Dunkin Donuts sign, it was too late to stop but just knowing it's there, 2 hours away, is comforting.

So far it's been smooth sailing having him here. He sleeps in a lot which is fine, it's kind of like vacation for him. Apparently the air here is much better than what he's used to back home so that's helping him sleep.

It's a little awkward, Doc hasn't seen his father in 5 years and back then they weren't really speaking. I wish they would just take an afternoon and get it all out but they are boys so that's not going to happen. The good news is that he hasn't had a drink in 16 months and he's totally okay with me having my wine once the baby comes (priorities right?). He also only smokes one or two cigarets a day which he does outside with a coat just for smoking that he leaves out there. I would rather there be no smoking but it is what it is. I haven't smelled smoke in my house so that's all I really care about.

TC has really taken to him, she met him once when she was 4 months old but obviously she doesn't remember. The other day he took her to the playground and she had no issues going with just him. Yesterday Doc and I went to the hospital and left her home. It was only for a few hours for his MRI and so I could preregister with L&D, she cried when we left but had a great time. She did push her limits and was allowed to eat her breakfast in the living room with the TV on, but if grandpa can't give you special treats who can? Obviously it has to be within limits but so far it's been perfect, he gave her a Hershey kiss at the company family Christmas party and it was like a fun little secret between them. If he lets her play with knives I'll have a problem.

Christmas

2011-12-02T09:51:00.001-08:00

I am beyond frustrated with Doc right now, he wanted to leave here at 11 so we could go to a mall in Phoenix (yea I'm going with him...) to get T's picture taken with a decent Santa. I busted my ass getting everything done in time. I vacuumed, swept, swiftered, hung curtains in the room his dad will be in...all sorts of crap. He did help a bit, cleaned his nasty bathroom and bathed TC and Moses. I hoped in the shower at 10 and was ready to go by 10:30, now he just wants to go straight to the airport this afternoon.

But I really want to have a positive post so here it is, my Christmas decor! I wont be hanging lights outside this year because - well I'm 37 weeks pregnant but I like the inside.

This is the only area of that house that is really decorated, I don't like the couches but there really isn't any other way to do it without cutting off the view of the tree.

With the flash, the advent calendar is on the left and my coffee filter wreath is on the right.

Made out of coffee filters and a bow.

Some of my snowmen. I need some tea lights for the candle holder. I accidentally bought lights with a white wire for the tree but they look great in some fun glass jars. The best part is this table is counter height so TC can't reach anything.


No flash.

And just for fun, here is my sweet little girl. I had to wake her up yesterday so we could go to my OB appointment, it's so hard to do when she's so sweet.

someone must think I'm pretty strong

2011-11-30T15:26:00.001-08:00

I try to believe that God does bring you more than you can handle. I'm not going to lie, things are really hard right now. Our family is struggling. I'm not afraid for our marriage, not at all. I know we can get through this as we have before and we will be stronger for it. We're almost 2 years removed from Doc's accident and it is still ruling our lives, I would have never thought this would be us.

I know I've been doing a lot of complaining and I still feel that I have legit arguments. He really needs to be more than a supporting player in this family if I'm pregnant or not. This has been kind of like the perfect storm, his symptoms came back at the same time that I'm needing more help. In the past I picked up his slack and never complained, he was injured after all. At this point I am just unable to be that superwoman that the wives of the wounded are expected to be.

I had a total breakdown last night. The night before Doc and I were talking about the pregnancy and I told him that I 100% do not want another child because I got no help this pregnancy and I can't do that again. He never said anything and just went to bed, yesterday he told me how horrible it was of me to say that because he's hurt and is in constant pain and uncomfortable...ummmm HELLO! I haven't complained much to him about how horrible I feel and now I'm kicking myself for it. He was still pissed off when he came home from work and just slept on the couch. He didn't eat dinner with us, just came in and grabbed a plate. That's when I lost it, I was sitting with TC as she ate (I had no appetite) and I just silently bawled. TC was so sweet, she put her hand on my arm and offered me her last sweet potato fry. After she was done and I had time to myself I questioned myself for having a second child with this man, what was I thinking? Then it hit me, I wont be pregnant forever, he won't be in this injury limbo forever we just need to get through this right now.

After I was done with my pity party I joined Doc and TC in the living room. Doc started to talk to me a little, I guess trying get past this fight when he got a phone call. The PA at work was going over his x-ray results (I thought it was his MRI results but he hasn't gotten those yet) on his x-ray they found a calcified lymph node. These can be caused by swelling which he obviously had but it can also be caused by lymphoma. He went over his x-rays today and is pretty freaked out, he is scheduled for an emergency MRI on Monday just to look at this he also needs to get blood work done and perhaps a biopsy. After all of this it will probably need to be removed. Because of it's placement they will most likely have to go through his throat and cut in that way.

I don't really know what to do with all of this. Biopsy's have never turned out well for people I love and since his sister died of cancer it's even more important that we know what's going on.

While I still want help from him when you start talking about cancer and surgeries things are really put into perspective.

wat too much to do

2011-11-29T10:41:00.001-08:00

Our Thanksgiving was pretty good, I managed to get everything done that I wanted and on schedule. The turkey could have been better, I cooked it like I always do, made sure to keep an eye on the temp but even half way through the cooking I knew it wasn't going to be great, there were almost no juices. It was a little dry but the worst part was the gravy, we LOVE pan gravy and while there was enough for dinner the leftovers had to be cut with store gravy. Dinner was just Doc and me, TC messed up her nap schedule and slept right through it, it's alright though, she doesn't know the difference. Here is my plate, I didn't have stuffing.


FYI sparking cider is yummy but not nearly as good as the real stuff.

What really put a damper on the day is that Doc didn't offer to help once. Not on Wednesday while I was prepping and not during the 3 hours that I was in the kitchen Thursday morning. Nothing, he even groned when I asked him to take the trash out. I let it go, not worth ruining the holiday.

The next day I always get the tree up, I spent the morning in the sitting room moving couches around and cleaning , Doc played xBox in the other room knowing it would take him forever to get the decorations out for me I did it myself. The tote of decorations I had to dig out of my once organized garage then I dragged the tree bag into the house. There is no way that he didn't hear me and know what I was up to. I set up the tree myself and wrestled with the lights, a prelit tree is great but figuring out what plug goes in where is not. There is an entire section not lit so I am just going to buy a string of lights when I go into town.

So here we are, Tuesday afternoon. I don't think I told you yet, my father in law is flying in on Friday and will be here until at least January 6. I am not even thinking about what that is going to be like, right now I'm concentrated on what a mess my house is! I wanted to try to get some deep cleaning done over the weekend but after pretending I was Christmas superman I could barely move on Saturday or Sunday. Yesterday my back was alright but the rest of me felt like crap. After dinner I asked Doc to unload the dishwasher (again) and he said that I always ask when he's too tired. I reminded him that I ask him when he's tired, when he's awake, when he's happy, when he's sad, when he sober, when he's drunk and he never does it. He thought he was funny when he said that my best bet is when he's drunk. He said just leave it and he'll do it today. He knows very well that I can't do that, I did leave it last night but the kitchen was cleaned this morning while I gave TC breakfast.

I vacuumed the living room today but I still need to sweep and wash the tile as well as the tile in the kitchen/sitting room. I need to finish as the nursery since that will be FIL's room. I need to go grocery shopping. I would love to steam clean the couches again. You know, the big clean you do before someone comes to stay with you (not to mention that we don't have a bed or mattresses for him yet). I have the rest of today, tomorrow, and Thursday morning to get this done. I have an OB appointment Thursday afternoon and I errands to run in town while I'm there. And Friday, Doc wants me and TC to drive to Phoenix with him to get his dad. Oh and Phoenix is 3 hours away, each way. I think I am going to tell him that my doctor said I shouldn't go. 6 hours in the car at 37 weeks pregnant does not sound like fun and I am sure TC would rather be home. I'm an ass, I say just get his dad a bus ticket - I would never expect anyone to take a 6 hour trip to pick me up from the airport.

Now it's time to dance with my broom for a few hours :(.

TBI almost 2 years later

2011-11-27T18:30:00.001-08:00

I recapped Doc's TBI experience in my last blog, this is what life has been like since out move to Arizona.

When we got here things were pretty good, his job was easy and he like most of the people he worked with. Within 2 weeks there was talk about the E6 board, R@nger School, and taking the HALO course. Obviously the promotion board is top priority so we were pretty excited about that. R. school was pretty funny - he was supposed to go 4 years ago when we arrived in WA but they kept pushing him back for no reason. It was a requirement for his E5 but he got around it after the command found out how many times he was passed over simply because they couldn't spare a good medic. HALO school would just be cool, it's a hard school to get into so of course he wants to go.

To do all of these things he knew he would need to get back down to his fighting weight. The unfortunate part of weight gain caused by medicine is it doesn't always go away when you come off the pills. He had 30lbs to lose and he was determined to do it. He started off by jogging at night and working out on his own time and it was going well. He knew what he needed to do and the pace that worked best for him.

Everything started when the new guy in charge decided that everyone needed to workout together at 6AM. Everyone also counted on Doc to provide the workouts, he likes cross fit style stuff so that's what he was doing, maxing out and keeping up with the other guys. This is when things started to go down hill.

It only took a few weeks of these early workouts and his attitude changed and we were back to where we were months ago. He was short with me and TC, he started raising his voice again, his headaches came back, and his workouts suffered.

I started asking what was going on with the promotion board and he kept changing the subject. I was then trying to figure out when he would be going TDY for pre HALO school training and he said that he needed a MRI. And Rgr school - I was hoping he could go around Feb or March because that is when it would be easiest to be alone with the 2 kids but he kept pushing back on that too.

It was been a long few months of a crabby husband who refused to help out and me feeling put down and miserable. It has been a daily struggle, he knows that his pain and issues are real but he refuses to admit that mine are - sorry but the last few months of pregnancy are hard!

About a month ago he got a referral to a neurologist, after all this time he still hasn't had a MRI done on his neck or back even though those were hurt in the accident. He has his MRI tomorrow so fingers crossed on that. Then a few weeks ago he came home complaining about his profile - I don't know much about profiles but I know that he hates that he has to be on one. He's on a P1 now which I think is almost normal, he could go on a P2 which would outline that his injuries are deployment related and on this he could go to the promotion board without passing his PT test. He doesn't want this, he feels like it's an easy way out.

The issue with his PT test (which I just learned about - apparently this is why he hasn't gone to the board and he didn't tell me because he's embarrassed) is his blood pressure spikes when he works out. He has always been a PT rock star, the extra 30lbs obviously changed this is a bit. The run was the easiest part for him, he's a fast MFer. After that the situps were his next best followed by push ups. Now he is kicking ass on the pushups and doing well on the situps but doing those things puts a lot of pressure on his head so when it comes time for the run he's disoriented and slow. Unfortunately he can't do the run first, he has to do it in the order that the army sets.

Now with all of these issues coming up again he's worried that he wont be able to reenlist, he is afraid that everything coming back up is just never going to get better. It's so hard, we were back on track - everything was falling into place and we had it figured out but now who knows. And I feel horrible because I can't help but want to punch him for pushing too hard. Maybe if he eased back into it he would have been okay but he's an all out kind of guy.

So that's it. He's getting a little better at listening to me when I let him know that he's over reacting or if he's having an inappropriate response to something. He's still not helpful around the house and he's short. Add to this the uncertainty of our future and there are things a bit tense.

Now is the time for me to get busy, I need to start back up on my research and see what his best options are for treatment. I know this is what he wants to do so I am going to do everything I can to make sure he tries everything. The Dr he works with said he was right a referral for HBOT so we just need to see if anyone will take him (I'll be contacting you soon Cheryl!)

Now that we're all on the same page I can get back to my usual blogging.

Doc's TBI, a recap

2011-11-22T11:39:00.001-08:00

I tried twice to post something that was happy and not TBI related but I failed miserable both times. I don't know if I really am ready to be back in this situation again so I'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist which isn't working out well.

Months back Doc got Botox injections in his neck to help with the swelling and relieve some of the pressure from his head. That seemed to work really well but as any of A&E's housewives will tell you Botox isn't forever. I think that wearing off in combination of him hitting the gym as hard as he has and whatever else he's dealing with has brought us back to were we were 7 months ago.

I have some new followers (hi, welcome!) so I will do a little recap of what his TBI has meant for us. In January 2010 his vehicle rolled off of a cliff in Iraq. He was knocked around and knocked out. When he came to he was totally pinned down and on his head with the butt of one weapon in his face and the barrel of another staring him in the eyes. Thank God he had his helmet on and that the owner of the second weapon had the safety on. Most of his head injuries are a result of being hit directly in the face, it makes for a different type of injury. He broke a bone in his cheek. They wanted to airlift him right away but he talked them out of it, he was the only medic they had and didn't want them to scrap all of their missions until his replacement arrived. He continued to run missions for the next few weeks until he hopped a flight home to be home while I delivered TC.

Moments after he was removed from the vehicle, I am told the swelling got about 100 times worse.

The first issues were headaches and a stiff neck, they showed up a few weeks after he arrived home, we were told it's post concussive syndrome and should go away. He also started to get very short with me, I didn't connect the dots on that right away. Then he started to forget things, what he went the store to buy, his beret for work, and then it escalated to him getting disoriented and forgetting where he was or how he got there or even how to get home. Add the inability to get quality sleep to that. Working out became impossible, the stiff neck and headaches were one thing but his blood pressure would spike to unhealthy numbers during every workout.

He was prescribed a different pill for each issue. He was taking about 12 pills a day on any given day. Each pill had a side effect of weight gain. He put on 30lbs in about 5-6 weeks, that did nothing to help his depression. The TBI clinic at Ft. Lewis did their testing and dismissed him because his scores were still pretty high, Doc happens to be extremely bright - without a baseline it was impossible for the test to show anything. (Thanks to this everyone in Doc's Battalion and maybe across the regiment now has a baseline on file for these tests) He went to the TBI classes and was reprimanded for doodling during class (which has been proven to help students to retain information) and not participating in open discussions. You can't really blame him, the class was full of people just trying to get out of the army while Doc was doing all he could to stay in. His relationship with that clinic ended with the head doctor telling him that "he's seen worse" and basically just suck it up. It wasn't until one of Doc's friends also who had been seen at the TBI clinic overdosed on the outdated drugs he was prescribed by said doctor and died. Doc was on staff duty that night and was the one to find him and first to work on him, it was horrible and seeing that. The next day the clinic, trying to cover their ass, called Doc to have him come in for his sever cognitive issues. He was already receiving care elsewhere by then, it had been several months.

Doc worked with the PA for his battalion and neurology in the hospital. But things didn't really get better. He became depressed, developed social anxiety and became even harder to live with. He couldn't handle shopping malls or stores during the holidays. The loud music, bright colors, crowds were too stimulating. He needed to shop only where things were organized and laid out exactly as he would need them. This is around the time that we started seeing a counselor who works only with Special Operations guys at Lewis & McChord AFB. That really helped. We were in a state of limbo, not sure if we would have to leave the army or not.

This all continued for months, there would be moments, even a few weeks where he was symptomless or hid it from me - it was almost like I had my old husband back. When those periods were over it came back twice as bad. Before the accident he never yelled at me, we argued like married folks do but he never raised his voice to me but the man who came home seemed to do it on a daily basis and to this days he still does it a few times a week. I told myself I would never be with a man who treats me this way but what can you do when you know this isn't really who he is?

So fast forward to this past spring, a good 15 months since the accident. He was finally getting involved with the care coalition (for wounded special operators), started getting PT and massages and finally the Botox injections. It felt like we were finally being taken care of. He was also on the waiting list for TBI treatment in Texas when the job here in AZ opened up. He took himself off of the list so we could make the move here. This job is such low stress and the hours are great for him. We were hoping this would really give him a chance to fully recover.

But here we are, once again trying to get a few steps ahead. If you made it through all of that you deserve a sticker. My next post will be about what's going on now.

back to this again

2011-11-20T13:09:00.001-08:00

I'm feeling very sorry for myself today. It seems that many of the TBI issues that we thought were gone are coming back. I should have seen it coming but I kept making excuses for his behavior - honestly I didn't want to even say it to myself. I will get more into it in the upcoming weeks but today I am missing this guy.

San Antonio May 2006 while in AIT

love hate relationship with facebook

2011-11-17T11:18:00.001-08:00

Facebook is great for seeing what people are up to or reconnecting with people from your past. As someone who lives over 3000 miles from home it gives me an easy way to stay connected to family and share my kids with them. And it's a great time suck when you are procrastinating. I think we all know it's not all good.

Last December things started going downhill with my grandmother. I posted about it here. Since then she hasn't been doing well, her dementia has her confusing her visitors and even forgetting that my dad and aunt have died. It's horrible to say but I am glad to not see her this way. As much as I wish I could be there to hold her hand and let her call me John if she wants I have the memory of a perfect last visit with her.

This morning I was actually being productive while TC was down for her nap. I sat down to check FB and I saw this post from my uncle's wife (she's never really been an "aunt"):

Isn't that how everyone hopes to hear that their grandmother is a week or so from death? And the "yikes what a day" was the cherry on the pie, sorry that YOU are having a bad day but this is my grandmother we are talking about.

I immediately got on the phone with my sister D and ask if she knows anything and tell her about the FB post. I felt horrible bringing her down from the excitement of last night. She had no idea and decided to call the uncle in charge of Gram's care. This is one of the most soft spoken men you could ever meet, every thing he says is well thought out and to the point. His reaction is "that fucking bitch, I hope she gets run over by a fucking truck". He was planning on making calls this afternoon after Gram is situated and he's had a chance to process everything.

After I spoke to D I called my sister M and told her and she said she would call my stepmother's family (who loves my Gram like she was one of theirs) and some other people. All the while I am a bawling mess, my poor sisters don't know what to do with me, I'm so far away and I can't travel so late in my pregnancy. When we enter military life we know that we will be moving away, missing weddings, births, all sorts of things. The happy occasions suck to miss but I can deal, this is the hardest thing I will miss. I can't believe I wont be at my grandmother's funeral. After deployments this is the second hardest thing about this life.

The FB offender did offer a single sentence apology message saying she didn't know we didn't know. I will be deleting her soon but I want to leave my comment up on her page, my maiden name in on my FB so all her friends will see what an asshole she is for posting before everyone in the family knew. Will it change what happened? Nope, but nothing will change that.

The worst part is that I am feeling more angry than sad right now, I wish I could just have the regular range of emotions because now I have to wait for the sadness to really hit and I will be a bawling mess all over again.

The moral of today's story - better safe than sorry with facebook.

I promised I wouldn't tell...

2011-11-16T15:27:00.001-08:00

...but you guys wont tell anyone (I'm looking at you Amanda, the only one who really knows her). My sister just called and she's pregnant! They've been trying for around 6 months and getting really discouraged. She called me on her way home from work and told me that she was going to test tonight - yay!

She is telling her in-laws tonight since they live in the same town. She said she was telling his family on Thanksgiving and might wait until the week before Christmas to tell our family. I reminded her that things don't go over well when our family is kept in the dark (referencing the drama she started when TC was born)... I feel bad because she can't wait the 12+ weeks most people like to wait because she takes dental x-rays at work so everyone at work will know as soon as she stops doing those. If everyone at work knows it sucks to not be able to tell your family.

So here is hoping for a sticky baby and a new niece or nephew for me come the end of July!

getting there

2011-11-15T10:56:00.001-08:00

First I want to say thank you for all of the support after my last post. I went back and forth about mentioning it at all, I know there are people who are in the "don't air your dirty laundry" camp but obviously I am not one of them. You all gave such great advice.

I'm not sure if he sensed something or if he *gasp* read my blog (which he has my support if he ever chooses to do so) but he came up to me on Sunday evening as I was cooking dinner asked what was wrong so I gave him the abridged version of what I wrote. Since his injury I can't really come at him with a lot of information at once so if I break things up there is a much better chance that he'll retain what I'm saying without feeling attacked. After dinner he gathered the dishes and loaded them in teh dishwasher.

Let's face it, this is a huge ego thing for both of us. For him, he's the man and for me I'm a college educated former marketing wiz. The idea of rubber gloves and mops doesn't appeal to either of us. I even hate doing my normal vacuuming and stuff while he's home because it makes me feel beneath him. There is no reason for that I just can't get over it.

Yesterday he was picking on me for being pissy and while he thinks it's just harmless joking I told him that to me it feels like he's just picking me apart. I am sure I am over reacting a little because I'm a giant whale who can't bend over to pick up a sock with out getting winded but I can't help it. Once we put TC down for her nap I got out the dust rags and got started in the living room. He wasn't 100% helpful but he did put away all of the xBox stuff we that he had laying around. He got to see just how much goes into a basic cleaning of the living room/toy room. With a dog who is STILL shedding his Washington coat for Arizona weather everything needs to be dusted, the tiles swept then vacuumed, the area rug vacuumed (which takes 4 runs with the vacuum because it's 4 years old and even if I do it every other day it's covered in dog hair), TC's toys washed and organized (and weeded - if she hasn't played with it in a while it's gone). It's about a 90 job and that's without cleaning the windows or washing the floor. We've decided to get a Dyson with our tax return, I am far too excited for this.

As for what he does, he's always done his own laundry mostly because he and I don't get dressed in the same area, he has his own bathroom and in our last house his closet was in the office. He leaves his clothes all over the floor dirty and clean alike so I never know what is what. If I'm doing laundry I'll ask if he has anything to toss in but unless it's in my hamper I don't wash it on my own. I've told him he's more than welcome to toss his clothes into my hamper to be washed but he doesn't. He's never washed diapers, he cleans them when he changes her but as for actually washing them, nope. He tried to object when I told him to remove the liners before putting them in the pail but quickly saw why it made it easier for me. Yesterday I did let his dishes collect on the counter before I pointed them all out as I was putting them in the dishwasher. I can't leave them out overnight, we've seen a few giant roaches in the house without leaving food out, I don't want to invite them in! He didn't even realize that he left them out and apologized. Oh, and as much as he thinks I should make him lunch I never do.

It may be a slow process but I think it will get better. I don't want to not cook for him because that would be a punishment to myself because I love cooking and having dinner as a family. I could withhold sex but honestly at this point that's not an issue, I'm so fat and gross he's lucky I let him sleep in the same room as me. But without the pregnancy, I've never wanted to use sex as punishment or reward, not that I feel like there is anything wrong if that's what works for others but for me I like to keep as many problems as possible out of the bedroom. I think we all know that when I man helps out we can't help but be more attracted to him and well...you know.

So that's where we are, I will get started on the clutter if for no other reason than I want to have that space for my Christmas decorations. And when I say clutter it's not hoarders bad it's some magazines I might not ever read, some papers to be files, so disposable diapers we had out for our trip to the zoo, maybe a few random socks all piled up. I'll take before, after, and decorated pictures (motivation). Perhaps I need to get pinning on Pinterest for some easy organization...

defeated

2011-11-13T10:08:00.001-08:00

I could just cry. I don't know what else to do, I have told him countless times that I need help. We talked about it in counseling before we moved that I would need help. I brought it up last night, I need help. I know that playing video games is more fun than cleaning, I know everything is more fun than cleaning but it needs to be done. I know it's easy when you don't have to be the primary caretaker for the kid - you get the snuggles and love without preparing the meals or being the bad guy.

I've tried "striking" but then things just get left undone. I've tried bribing him but I just get a half assed job and an expectation of a reward the next time I ask. I've cried, I've begged, I've waddled around him while I cleaned. I've yelled, I've reasoned but in the end it's all on me.

I know you are probably reading this thinking as a stay at home mom it's my job to keep the house and cook the food or that I knew what I was getting into or even that you wouldn't put up with it. Well, Doc currently works around 25 hours a week, we are lucky with this job and it's the slow period right now. He has more down time at home which also means more time to contribute to the mess and more demands on me (I don't know where he ever got the idea that I would be making him lunch). As for knowing what I was getting into, he wasn't always like this and before we had a kid the house wasn't nearly as hard to keep clean. He's progressively gotten worse. And finally, not putting up with it - what should I do pack my bags and leave the man I love because he won't help around the house as if that trumps all of the amazing things about him?

It comes down to me just not knowing what to do other than suck it up and do it myself. I just spent 2 hours cleaning floors and scrubbing chairs and that was just in the kitchen/dining/sitting room area. I still need to finish washing the floor and the counters need a major decluttering. I can't ever get to the clutter because, like now, I am beyond exhausted from what I just did.

This morning was a new low, he woke up early and was up when TC woke up so that was nice but when I got up their cereal bowls were on the counter, instead of taking the trash out he just started another bag next to the trash can (that was a new one) and something in there leaked so I had to clean that up too. The dishwasher was open because he had to get a bowl but all the other dishes were still in there. All of this after last night when specifically asking him to help me. I just don't understand why it is so hard so pitch in even a small amount.

If it was in the budget I would hire someone to come and help but it's just not. I can't spend more than a hour or so cleaning until my contractions start and by the time I'm ready to start again I have to redo everything I just cleaned. There really is no other word but defeated.

Someday...

2011-11-12T10:25:00.001-08:00

This week the reenlistment officer was on post, Doc spoke to him about his options. He's up to reenlist in February and there is no question this time - he's doing it. He has his eyes on the prize, PA school and a happy retirement one day. We did get some good news, he can re up for 5 years guaranteed to stay in JSOC (joint special operations command) and get a nice bonus to boot. The JSOC contingency is huge, since Doc is such a highly trained medic (he did the regular medic training plus an extended trauma training) and has more combat experience than most it isn't unheard of for some deploying unit to try and scoop guys like him up. It's not that he's a Special Ops snob but they do things a lot differently than conventional units and if he's going to deploy again (like he would love) he wants to do it with his brothers.

So we are blessed, things seem to be coming together. Once he finishes PA school - down the road - the odds of going straight back to a Special Ops unit aren't great but that is something that we are ready for.

When this new contract is up Doc will have 11 years in which means we are lifers. May as well to at least 20 and get a nice retirement.

We decided a while ago that the first house we buy will be the last house we buy and it will be our forever home in New England. We were day dreaming about it yesterday, I picture something like this:

from http://www.freegreen.com/green-home-build-story-needham-ma-house/image.axd?picture=Final+Glazer+Photo.jpg

We would like to live in a Boston suburb so Doc can work in the city and it will be an easy ride into the Garden when he has his Bruins season tickets. I just want big windows and mature trees so I can enjoy the fall. I want a nice front porch with a tin roof so I can listen to the rain ping off. After years of cramming myself in a tiny tub I want a big soaking tub. We want a yard and maybe a pool, a hot tub for sure. A place for me to craft and paint, a place for the kids to hang out, they will be in high school/college and I would love for our house to be the house they choose to hang out in - maybe a game room over the garage. If you know anything about Boston real estate you know we will also need $1-2 million dollars but who knows, maybe some day.

11-11 and every day

2011-11-11T11:40:00.001-08:00

Thankful doesn't begin to say it. I never fully understood until I became an army wife, I still can't imagine walking a mile in my husband's boots.

An out of focus picture of a soldier returning home from his first deployment and a wife who didn't want to let go. (2008)

getting there

2011-11-10T20:02:00.001-08:00

It's official, I'm uncomfortable. But this means that I am almost done so yay. The insomnia has kicked in too, I am waking up around 4:30 to pee and that's it for the day. I've gone back to a cup of tea in the morning and that seems to help. Baths are my favorite place, I don't feel so heavy in the water.

It's crazy to think that this is the last time I will do this. I know Doc would like another but I'm good. And once I really am done I will have 2 kids to not screw up.

TC has no idea still. She knows my belly is bigger now but nothing else. I've tried to get her to feel the movement or even just watch it but she still doesn't care. She is weird though, she pushes her table around the living room then gets a chair to sit in, the last few months she's been bringing both chairs over, maybe she's waiting for her sister (or maybe she has a paranormal activity type of imaginary friend who wants to kill us all).

I figure that by late January I should be a good mom again. By then I will have somewhat of a schedule down with the new one and a fairly regular sleep schedule. TC will finally get her mom back - I can't wait to have the energy I need to truly engage her again. Until then I will take our snuggles and down time and cherish these last weeks with her as an only child.

This morning she crawled on the couch and rested her head on my belly, it was a perfect moment.

I'm on to you buddy

2011-11-08T20:59:00.000-08:00

After being on my feet all day getting Adair's doctor situation figured out and a little shopping in town. Then scouring the commissary for "food, because we have none - just our normal food". (Nice Doc thanks.) I asked Doc to cut the grass, we just got a mower so it really needed to be done. He said he wasn't feeling well so he didn't want to do it. I wasn't feeling well and I didn't feel like going to the commissary but guess what, I did it because it didn't to be done.

While I was cooking dinner I threw on my rain boots and fired up the mower. Rain boots because I'm afraid of the bugs and snakes that could have been hiding in the grass. Doc came out and gave me a big WTF. Maybe cutting the lawn at 33 weeks isn't the best idea but you know what is a good idea? Showing your husband that it's not that hard to just suck it up and get it done.

I left about half to still be done, I wonder which of us will do it tomorrow.

Passive aggressive? Sure but if you're well enough to focus on video games all day the you're well enough to push the world's lightest lawn mower around (it's electric and made out of plastic). Some days I know that he's having a bad day and some days I know that he's using the excuse to get out of doing things. What really gave it away was when he wasn't up to eating the dinner I made for us (he played xbox while TC & I ate) but he was just fine to enjoys some of my homemade pie and some corn chips...

One of those days.

confessions

2011-11-07T15:04:00.000-08:00

Monday is a good day to get things off of my chest so here are some of my confessions.

I confess...

...I found an old picture of Doc and me that was folded up and beaten up and it made me feel very loved, I bet that picture spent at least 5 years in Doc's wallet.

...there is a black ring on my toilet where the water stops and I can't get rid off it.

...most baby books would have me arrested for taking such a hot bath last night.

...the next time I see that kid cutting between mine and the house next door I'm going to have words with him. There are about 20 feet between the houses and he likes to look in my window.

...my house is a big mess, it's "clean" as far as dishes and food and nastiness sitting out but I can't get ahead of the dog hair and I can't swifter more than a small area at a time so the tile really needs a wash (but I'm tell you all about it instead of doing anything about it).

...I need to get my house sprayed by the bug guy next time he's on post, I've seen 2 nasty roaches and I am so afraid of them. One came in the AC vent and the other up the sink drain. I loved the Washington did not have this problem, roaches there pretty much meant you were gross.

...there are 10 empty frames hanging on my living room wall, I bought a set of them from target to see how they would look next to the mirror and now I can't decide what pictures to put in there. I need to figure it out because I'll be getting 10 more for the other side of the mirror.

...Doc has the night shift tonight and I'm hoping the wind doesn't pick up and the jumps are canceled because I am looking forward to a little alone time after TC goes to bed tonight.

...most of my shirts show the bottom of my belly, I don't remember what I wore at this point last time.

...I want to decorate for Christmas now, I wont but I REALLY want to.

oh husband...

2011-11-04T16:57:00.000-07:00

Everyday it's something different. Being married to Doc keeps me on my toes that is for sure.

He's been getting ready to start HALO school which means a flight physical then some work in one of those skydive chambers. He would have to go to San Antonio for the chamber work and originally I thought he would be gone this weekend but he's here. I asked him today when he was planning on going since there are some pretty big dates coming up on our calendars. He looked at me like I'm an idiot and said "I might not be going since I can't get my flight physical cleared" in a you know this tone.

Really? So I asked him what was wrong with the physical, I know his cholesterol test came back high last week so I thought maybe that was it. But no, it's his head. Apparently, it's always his head. I should be used to this. What's driving me nuts is that he's still working out like there is nothing wrong with him. Today he worked so hard in the gym that he can't really walk and he also maxed out on bench press, pullups and squats. Maxing out puts so much pressure on his head. I don't know what he's thinking. Well, I know what he's thinking - he wants his old body back but at what cost?

He had an x-ray this week which showed he has some minor arthritis in his back due to the accident. Next week she should be getting an MRI on his neck and back, can you believe that the only MRI he's had was just on his head? He also had a dentist appointment which shows that his teeth are damaged from the accident - this could be another reason for the headaches.

It's just crazy, we are moving along just fine for a few months then suddenly BAM a huge setback.

I wonder how much his stress level has to do with his returning symptoms, it seems that a lot of this came up after learning that his friend was KIA. He has so much guilt about not being there with him, he wants to deploy again, really wants to deploy again. I told him that if he wants to leave here after our commitment is up and go back to a rapid deploy unit I will not fight him. These are his 20 years, he didn't join the army sit around. But if he can't pass a flight physical I doubt he's ready to deploy - but that's not saying that he can't find a doctor to sign off on him going.

So that's where we are right now, luckily with this set back he hasn't been as moody as with others. I could still use ~~more~~ some help around the house but I'm not feeling alone or neglected and that's where it really matters.

boo

2011-11-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

My turn to talk about my kid on Halloween. The plan was to put her little costume on and hit 2 houses and come back and pass out candy. Doc didn't want to come because trick or treating is "stupid" (much like Santa last year and he missed out on that first meeting). I've decided not to fight him on these things, I'm sorry his childhood sucked but these are going to be fun memories for TC so if he's planning on bitching he can stay home. Anyway...as we were getting ready he said he wanted to come, I was super excited but played it cool, I didn't want to scare him off.

It was such a fun time, TC was so into it. We've been working on "trick or treat" for a while but it comes out more like "trii r treee". I figure if you're old enough to walk the rout you're old enough to trick or treat. Most importantly she says thank you so we're good. She was dressed as a bee, I was ready with black pants and a black top for under her costume but since it was 90 out she went pantsless. I think that's why she was such a hit, she still has that baby chub on her legs which was beyond cute as she ran from house to house. She is so social, she'll "talk" to anyone for as long as they will listen and every kid she saw got a "hi".

This was also a first for us, this was our first Halloween living on post, oh my God were there a lot of families out! And this is a small post. People seemed to really get into it, it was great. Also, while we were out we left a bowl of candy with a "take 2" note and there was still candy in the bucket when we got back!

I am even more excited about next year, she was so amped this year, next year she'll really know what's going on.

And now what you've all been waiting for (Doc had my camera and didn't get any of her running or talking or even smiling, he needs to learn how to work that thing!):

On our way out!

She had no idea what was going on but she was excited.

Her first house!

Shorts on Halloween?! When I was a kid you had to fit a snowsuit under your costume.

I'm too lazy to actually make this picture look alright, it came out really dark.

The bucket was full so we went home.

Checking out her loot, she wanted to stay in her costume, she even put it on this morning.

No, she didn't eat the snickers - she had nerds ;)

Mil Spouse Fill in Friday

2011-10-28T08:36:00.000-07:00

Sure I'll fill in today. Click on the picture above to see the original post and link up.

1. The best part of October was the start of hockey season
2. The worst part of October was my niece having her baby at 23 weeks and losing her.
3. For Halloween, I’ll be taking TC to a few houses for her first trick or treating. Nothing big just the few houses on the street.
4. I hope that in November I have more energy to get #2's room ready.
5. Wifey has posted MilSpouse Secret Santa. I will not be participating, I have way too much going on this Christmas, you know birthing a baby and all.

baby update

2011-10-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

I had my 32 week appointment the other day and it was non eventful really. I had to wait for over an hour for a 5 minute appointment - if I wasn't so close to my due date I would find a new doctor but this is what happens when you move later in pregnancy I guess. I really do miss the army hospital at our last post (Madigan at McLewis), I never had any real problems there. I stayed with family medicine and my appointments were easy to schedule, I never had to wait more that 15 minutes and it was a one stop shop. Sure, I would have liked a private postpartum room but that's my only real complaint. But what can you do?

Everything looks good and on track. My blood pressure was a little low for me, I'm usually around 120/70 or 115/70 but I was 100/70. No one seemed concerned so I wont be either. After losing 5lbs last week because of stress my weight stayed where it was 4 weeks ago so I am still right around an 18lb weight gain. The doctor also confirmed that she is in fact head down which is great. That was pretty much it.

As for me, I'm moody and tired and starting to have trouble waddling around and doing things I've always done. I loath the bottom rack of the dishwasher and more nights that not I go to be with TC's toys all over the living room. I told Doc last night that I need more help and he kind of laughed at me. It wont be so funny when he comes home to a clean house but no dinner because I'm doing it on my own and decided that a clean house was more important that a home cooked meal. (In his defense his TBI is creeping back up but that's a different post.)

I'm having some weird cravings too, today I would trade my leg for a jug of fresh squeezed lemonade. As always a cold shot of vodka would be amazing right now - momma wants to feel the burn. Mostly, I want my good wine. Sure I will have some red wine now and then or half a glass of Guinness (yes you read that correctly, and go ahead and judge if you must) but I'm not going to waste my good wine on a half a glass. When I open up my Chateau St. Michelle Muscat I intend to drink a good amount. So basically I'm craving drinks.

And for your viewing pleasure here's me and my bowling ball.

back on track

2011-10-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Life happens and it's not always pretty. I don't know why things happen the way they do but I do know that I can't change them. I also know that in my life I am beyond blessed. I can't let the black cloud of the last few weeks let me lose sight of this. I feel myself falling in the familiar hole of anxiety and depression and not only do I have a feisty 20 month old counting on me but I also have daughter who needs me to keep my body as healthy as possible while she's hitching a ride.

I can't control my universe but I can control what I choose to focus on.

That being said here we go.

This Christmas we are going on the cheap. Last year we spent hundreds of dollars on gifts and then over on $100 shipping. It's just too much so this year we are sending individual gifts to all the kids who sent a thank you card....zero. Or even a phone call to say thank you....again zero. I kind of feel bad but not too bad. I've decided that I am going to make each family a big plate of Christmas cookies and call it a day.

I am way too excited about this, I have been pinning on Pinterest like it's my job. I've made over 10 recipes that I found so far and haven't been disappointed yet. (I also have a board of cocktails that I can't wait to try after #2 is born.) Here are the cookies I am planning on making for everyone:

Colorful spiral cookies but I think I'll keep the sprinkles red and green.

Peppermint Crunch-Milk Chocolate Chip Cookies

White Chocolate Covered and Chunk Oreo

White Chocolate Cherry Short Bread Cookies

Candy Cane Blossoms

I pretty much will have my work cut out for me, I have about 10 houses to bake for. Lately I've found baking to be a nice escape - just me in the kitchen with mixing bowls and flour everywhere, the hum of my stand mixer and when I bake these there will be some Christmas music playing. Next year TC will be old enough to help, I tried to have her help a few weeks ago and she almost ate a tablespoon of pumpkin pie spice. While I can't wait to bake with my daughters I will enjoy my last holiday season without any helpers.

Oh and the other great thing about this, I need to practice so we are going to be eating a lot of cookies!

Has anyone done this on such a large scale before? Am I totally nuts for trying this at 36+ weeks pregnant? Can't be any more stressful than braving the stores. And if you have any tips for shipping that would be great too, will standard shipping be alright or should I express them?

I am a little too excited for Christmas this year. Not only will it be Christmas but we will be adding to our family - what's better than that?

big fat reminder

2011-10-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't seen Doc in ACUs since he finished out processing from McLewis, that was late July. He did need a pair of boots for a training mission a few weeks ago but other than that nothing. He wears black shorts and a gray t-shirt to work with sneakers. He can even wear black socks. He has pretty long hair as well. He goes to work anytime between 4:30-6:00AM depending on if he has drop zone coverage or not and where the drop zone is. He's usually home around noon unless he is running a training class (he's the training NCO). There are some nights when he has drop zone coverage but not many. He's not deployable right now. So while yes, he's in the army he's not really in the army.

This is a total 180 from where we were. He would be deployed right now. The schedule there was steady, deploy for X months home for Y months, while you're home you spend 90% of your time at work training for the next deployment or TDY for more specialized training, we're talking 15 hour days for months on end. Had he not been injured this would be his 5th deployment in 4 years. But he did so he took this job and here we are.

It is easy to forget that he's still a soldier but when you get news that one of his friends was killed in action it really hits home. That's exactly what happened last night. It sucks, there are no other words. As has been the case with this and the last deployment (he missed it due to his injury even though we were still in WA) I get the news and read him the names. I'm horrible with names so I never know if it's someone that he's talked about or I've even met. Last night I read a name and he turned white. He was just shocked, he even came over to look at the picture a few times just to be sure. Right away he started talking about the young girls that his buddy would have moved the world for.

Then he must of gotten too emotional for his liking so he shut down. This is what he does and I hate it. His friend was from San Diego so hopefully Doc will be able to make it there for the funeral, but who knows.

As before, I am not posting the soldier's name but I am sure if you keep up with the fallen it wont be hard to find out. Another young kid was lost in the incident, only 20 as well as a member of the NC Guard. A member of Doc's old unit was severely injured and many others received minor wounds. Please keep them all in your thoughts.

This has been one hell of a deployment for the boys, I am just praying that the bad news stops - soon.

heaven got a few more angels

2011-10-20T19:53:00.000-07:00

This morning Lola's father shared that she passed peacefully this morning. Her husband and her family are in my prayers. I am so grateful that our paths crossed. Thank you for the laughs Laura.

This evening my niece said good bye to her beautiful little girl. She just wasn't ready for the outside world. My niece was able to hold her as she passed and then she bathed and dressed her.

There are so many things about this that I will need to get off of my chest in the next few days but for tonight I am just asking that you send prayers, thoughts, vibes, whatever it is that you send to my niece, sister and mom.

Life is so precious, hold on extra tight to those you love.

I don't own any of it

2011-10-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

After my sister's hurried facebook announcement about my niece I got to thinking of how I may be coming across in this blog. I just want to be clear that I don't think I "own" any of the tragedies that I have seen around me. I'm not looking for sympathy for myself as I am well aware that while I might hurt I have not been directly affected on a daily basis.

Throughout my life I've been surrounded by people who want to one up you on who has it worse. I know that I have it pretty great right now. I realized last night that my sister posted on facebook at the same time that she sent me a message asking if I got mom's text. Not even giving me a chance to reply had I gotten the message. Had I not gotten the text I would have found out on FB and she was fine with that. Does she not remember the drama that happened when my sister in law posted about TC's birth before I could call my family? Both my sister and my sister in law posted these things because they wanted to own the information and in turn own event.

I have never understood why people want to take on another's tragedy, maybe it helps them feel better about them self, maybe they want to nurse a wounded bird - who knows. As for me, I have a great amount of empathy for other people. I always have, when something horrible happens I am often moved to tears for those who have to actually go through it. I was a sensitive child and that never left me as I grew up. That being said, I have never been one to flock to a blog upon learning that a spouse was KIA (ever notice how readership skyrockets when then happens, it's kind of sick).

I share these things on my blog because I am thinking about them. I also believe in the power of prayer, not that I think we should get everything we pray for because we all have a path set out for us. Even if a prayer chain isn't going to save the day I believe that many times the recipient can feel the love.

Not that I think anyone was thinking that I was a tragedy chaser or anything I just wanted to make it clear that I am not. There have just been a lot of crappy things happening to people who have touched my life.

update (my great neice)

2011-10-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

Isabella was born a few hours ago, as expected she's on oxygen and they are doing what they can for her but it doesn't look good. My mom couldn't tell me more because my niece's a-hole boyfriend left her alone in her room and someone should be with her at all times right now.
She weighs 1lb 4.5oz

make it stop

2011-10-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

*Just want to let you know before reading this that the baby and I are alright.*

I hate when people around me are in pain. It seems like these past few weeks all I have been doing is asking people to pray for the people who have touched my life. Life is just so fragile, you can fight for it for almost a year or have it ripped from you as you attempt to save another's, you can feel it growing in your for months only to have what could be devastating complications.

My mom texted me while she was following the ambulance that help my niece to a hospital in Nashville where she will be assessed because her water broke today, she's in her 23rd week. It's no secret that I was not a fan of my niece giving up her dreams of being an orthodontist and the scholarships she was awarded to have a baby with her loser boyfriend but that doesn't mean I wanted something like this to happen.

I haven't gotten an update yet but best case scenario is that it was a rupture with no contractions or dilation and they will be able to monitor her and her little girl on strict bed rest for several weeks to come, worst case - well I don't want to think about it.

No matter how old you are, no matter if it was planned or not the love you feel for your child starts well before she comes into the world. I still mourn my miscarriage adn I didn't even know I was pregnant until I wasn't anymore. I am glad I reached out to her a few months ago, I let her know that all babies are a blessing and that being a mom was an amazing gift. I congratulated her. I wish I could be there for her, she's just 18. My mom is there, her mom is there (my oldest sister) and I hope her boyfriend is there.

And of course it wouldn't be my family if someone didn't so something inappropriate. My second oldest sister (M) posted about it on facebook. When will people understand that you don't post other people's news on facebook. She was soliciting prayers but that doesn't make it any better, this is a private thing that our niece is going through and if she chose to share it that's her choice. Some days I wish I could just delete facebook and not have to deal with the drama my family causes but if I did that I wouldn't see what they put out there about me. (Yes I know I am posting it here but the only person who reads this who knows my niece hasn't seen her since she was in diapers.)

So if you can, please keep my niece in your thoughts, I can't imagine what she's going through.

that's what that was

2011-10-14T14:57:00.000-07:00

After a lot of pressure yesterday and more bathroom trips than normal I was hopeful that something was going on. Before bed last night I felt what I thought was a head around my ribs but I also felt what I thought was a foot so I wasn't sure of anything. This morning, without a doubt, I felt a head next to my hip and kicks to my ribs. She flipped! Now she just needs to stay like this for the next 10 weeks and I will be a happy girl.

I know that a c-section is not the end of the world, I know many wonderful babies come to the world via c-section but it just wasn't what I wanted. I was getting very discouraged thinking about it, mostly about what it would mean for TC but also because I didn't want to deal with that type of recovery. I know that there may be complications and I still may end up needing one but right now I can stop worrying.

I forgot what it means to have a head on your bladder and cervix though. A lot more peeing and a lot more pressure. I am not complaining, trust me, it's just a very different feeling than what I've been feeling.

I am so excited to meet her, more and more I am being reminded of just how blessed we truly are. If I've learned anything these past few days it's that we are not guaranteed anything in this life so when you are given great gifts hold on to them and be eternally thankful.

zooed

2011-10-12T16:36:00.000-07:00

I will be the first to admit, going from my post yesterday to a "regular" post today feels awkward. I feel like going on with posts about my family and life is insensitive some how. I don't know how to transition, I know there is no real way to do so.

I will tell you that as of this afternoon I heard that Laura has made some progress. She did not enter the hospice last night because they didn't have a bed so she stayed at the hospital. A friend went to visit her today and bring her family lunch. She said that Laura was awake, and knew who she was. She was very weak and slow with her responses but this is a major turn. Her family is still holding Hospice for now, at the hospital she can receive platelets. Her parents want everyone to know that they are being optimistic, this is still a major fight but a fight to be fought. Please continue to keep her in your prayers.

On Monday we finally made it to The San Diego Zoo, it was about a 3 hour drive which really isn't that bad.

The zoo was great. I love going to the zoo, growing up there was a small one in my home town which, at the time, had a few buffalo who liked to ram the fence and an old elephant. But we weren't far from The Roger Williams Zoo in Rhode Island - I love that place. The zoo in San Diego was about 4 times the size of Roger Williams.

We were there for about 5-6 hours. That means we were walking for about 5-6 hours. Remember that I am 6+ months pregnant. And oh the hills! That place has some killer hills which are hard on the feet and zoo navigation. If you go down one hill you might miss an entire group of animals. By the end of the day Doc realized that we would have done much better if he had the map the whole day, he is the land nav expert while I can't find my backyard without the Garmin.

TC had fun, we had a hard time keeping her happy and able to see the animals. Doc was set on getting her a harness (leash) I told him do what he wants but I am not using it. She went from that to the Ergo on Doc's back to her stroller to the Ergo on Doc's front to holding Doc's hand to the stroller to Doc's shoulders and finally back to the stroller. Even when she had a great view she didn't really car much about the animals. There were a few who made her smile and point but at 20 months I think that's as much as we expected. The people were her real issue, she was so overstimulated by all the people that focusing on the animals was impossible.

I did alright with all of the walking, I made sure to hydrate like crazy the night before and throughout the day. But around 1:00 the contractions started, nothing major just uncomfortable warnings that your body is working very hard. My back, my legs, my feet, I felt it everywhere but kept pushing on. Doc was great, checking on me making sure I was going alright, asking about my contractions. Despite his training, which included working in a maternity unit, as a dad he hears contractions and thinks labor. He tried to get us out of there earlier but I really wanted to see the gorillas, somehow we missed them so we spent an extra hour seeking them out. It was totally worth it, those things are cool. I thought they would be bigger but what do I know about gorillas? I am correct in comparing my naked pregnant body to a gorilla, that's a sad realization.

We were treated to not one but two turtle couples working on the next generation. Turtle sex sure is noisy.

Picture overload time:

fling with her own wings

2011-10-11T09:14:00.000-07:00

As military spouses we spend so much time worried about our husbands, living our lives around them. Aside from a few grips now and then (no one likes waiting months for your furniture to arrive at your new crappy duty station) we are happy to do it. Like any other marriage we love them men we've chosen to spend our lives with and if putting up with deployments and moves is what we have to do to be with them so be it.

When they are away we worry. We worry about that next phone call. We worry about missions. We worry about what we are doing on the home front, is it enough to make him proud. We worry if they will come back and then we worry about when. We worry about who will be coming back to us. We worry about them worrying about us. With all of this we forget that we are human too.

I've written about Laura before, she found my blog during Doc's first deployment. Her husband was going through his first deployment. She inspired me with not just her dedication to her husband but also her dedication to herself. I've always been in awe of runners since my shins make it very hard for me. She was one of the first to congratulate me on my pregnancy with TC and has always been supportive. Her blog entries always made me smile and many times actually laugh out loud.

When she told us she was sick last November it was shocking. She's one of the strong ones. She runs and takes care of her self - hell, she's an army wife we hear all the time how strong we are. I guess our bodies and our minds often aren't on the same page. Even from the hospital she has been a source of strength and inspiration. I encourage you to check out her CaringBridge page if you haven't.

Today her father posted that after fighting many obstacles since her bone marrow transplant in August that the fight is almost over, Laura cannot fight any more. My heart is just breaking for her entire family, especially her husband Matt.

Although I never met Laura face to face the mil spouse community is a tight knit one and the mil spouse blogger community is even tighter. When I speak about her I call her a friend because that is truly what she feels like.

I know you will never read this Laura but thank you for everything. Your grace and strength were obvious well before your diagnosis. You have touched my life in a way you will never know and I will be eternally grateful. You fought a good fight and now is the time to rest. You named your blog "Alis volat propriis" which is Latin for "She Flies With Her Own Wings" and soon you will.

this club sucks

2011-10-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

I've been part of a "club" for over 10 years. There are not monthly meetings, we don't get together and discuss upcoming events and the only dues you pay is what got you into the club in the first place. What kind of crappy club is this you ask? It's the dead parent club.

At 31 I still feel that I am too young for this club. I was just a 20 year old kid when I lost my dad, sure I thought I was a grown up but I had no idea. I knew it would be sad that he would miss my wedding and never meet my kids but I never really thought about it at the time. Growing up he would talk about his father, he always seemed like some character on a sitcom. And of course I don't know much about his faults because when someone dies there is some taboo about talking about what made them imperfect - you know, what made them human.

I see so much of my dad in TC, her ability to laugh at anything and her fondness of everyone being the two most obvious (unless you look at her big eyes). I want her to know all about him. I want her to hear not just the funny stories but the hard to admit stuff too.

I know I've talked about this before but last week I said something without thinking about it. I was watching something on TV and there was a grown couple with kids talking to a set of grandparents. They were talking about raising the kids and I looked at Doc and say "I hope I'm around to see the girls as mothers." He just looked at me like I was nuts. I wasn't trying to go to a morbid place it's something that I think about quite a bit. My biggest fear, other than something happening to my kids, is not being around for them.

Doc hasn't lost a parent, his mother isn't in the picture but that was a choice she made over 20 years ago. She's tried to pretend to care but she's the type of woman who only came around when her daughter was literally on her death bed and stayed around long enough to collect the sympathy. I am sure that she lets it be known whenever possible that her son is in the army, because that gets her sympathy and admiration. Anyway, he has made the choice to not acknowledge her existence and I am 100% okay with that. While his father has his faults he's still around. Hell, he even has both of the grandparents who raised him. He lost a sister, which I am sure was 100 times harder than losing a parent it's still not the same.

His reaction to my off hand comment had me thinking, do people who still have both of their parents think about these things so casually? Other than it being a fear that I am sure every parent carries do they actually picture what it would be like for their daughter to have to go wedding dress shopping without them or how they would fill the void of the first dance if her father passed away? Do they stay up at night with the fear of never holding their grandchild?

I really hate this club.

if you are what you eat...

2011-10-01T19:58:00.000-07:00

...then I am a pumpkin! These past few weeks I have been on a total pumpkin kick. It still feels like the middle of summer outside (but locals keep talking about how it's cooled down, I guess 100 is cooler than 114) but I am so ready for fall inside. I don't really decorate much because we don't really do nicknacks and there isn't a place to put them. Every time I see someone's home decked out I do get super jealous, maybe I need to put up some shelves...

But I digress.

Last weekend I tried out this recipe for pumpkin pie cupcakes, it was a time suck (I think I was at it for almost 2 hours) but so worth it. They were amazing. The only changes I would make is making a little more of the graham cracker crust because I had more cupcake filling than I did graham cracker. And if you wanted to save time I bet you could use a box spice cake. These got the thumbs up from both Doc and his friend that he brought by for a beer ~~unannounced when my kitchen was a total disaster~~ after work. These are the cupcakes I made:

Not too far off from the picture on the recipe!

This morning I decided that I really wanted pumpkin coffee and I remembered seeing a pumpkin syrup on Pinterest so I tried this one. It was okay, I don't think I will be making it again. I had to add 3 tablespoons to my coffee to taste it and that is more sugar that I like to drink. Then I got a bunch of it with my last sip, not a nice surprise. Here is how mine turned out:

Looks nothing like the picture on the recipe but I followed the directions

While I was making this I also made breakfast, of course I made pumpkin pancakes! I got my recipe here . They were yummy! It had been a while since I made them and I forgot they cook slower than regular pancakes so my first batch was a little runny but oh well. It was funny, Doc saw them and made a face "what am I going to eat?" But he ended up eating more of them than I did!

TC approves

While looking for a pumpkin pancake recipe I came across one for pumpkin spice cake in my Betty Crocker Cookbook, obviously I had to try that too. I'm not posting that one, I am sure most of you have that cookbook if you want to find it. That was super yummy too, I even made my own brown butter frosting! The frosting was a bit overpowering so I ended up scraping most of it off.


One day I will learn to frost without getting crumbs everywhere, until that day I will just say it adds character.

So that's pretty much what I've been up to. I tried to get TC to help me but she almost put the tsp of pumpkin pie spice in her mouth so I would say she's not ready yet. It is nice to disappear into the kitchen for a bit and have a little time to myself. And since I don't want to gain 100lbs I will have Doc bring the majority of this cake to work to share with the guys.

Finally, I have Doc take my weekly belly pictures and every week he bitches about it. He thinks he's funny so he throws a mini (fake) fit every time which takes longer than actually taking the pictures. Each week I end up with several pictures just like this one.

Thanks Doc, I think I'll frame this one.

the couch is looking good (a pregnancy rant)

2011-09-30T10:46:00.000-07:00

I am almost done trying to sleep in the same bed as Doc, I love the guy but I NEED to sleep. I can't remember how far along I was with TC when he deployed but I remember despite being sad that he was gone I was so excited to have the bed to myself. And that was before the wonderful TBI induced sleep habits. Lately he sleeps in the middle of the bed on his side facing me. And in addition to the ceiling fan he has a small fan on full blast facing the pillows. I hate it, I have been so congested with this pregnancy that I have to breath through my mouth at night and the fan is causing chapped lips. He needs it to sleep.

There are 2 ways I can sleep at this point, on my side or on my back (although back sleeping doesn't last long), I would love to switch from left to right but if I sleep on my right I have him breathing directly in my face, gross. So I lay awake for hours in my sliver of the bed with the 2 fans blowing on me while he blissfully sleeps the night away. Then he wants to give me crap that I get to stay in bed until 8 (on a few good days) while he has to get up for PT at 6. Sorry buddy but that's the only times I can lay comfortably!

Something has got to give, I need my sleep just as much, if not more than he does right now. I think the small fan has got to go and I am going to start waking him up when he moves from his side of the bed. He has offered to sleep on the couch but that's not really fair. I just know that we have at least 11 weeks left of this and not sleeping is killing me.

The main problem is that I don't think he realizes how bad it really is for me, he doesn't understand why I have no energy. Maybe I would have some if I could get so friggen sleep!

At the same time I feel bed complaining about this, my sister has been trying since June and still hasn't had any luck. Today was supposed to be a test day but her period came yesterday. I was so confident about this cycle, she had some random spotting last week which I thought was very encouraging since it's not normal for her. I know 4 months is not really long but when you think about our family she's kind of the odd woman out. My mom had 5 unplanned pregnancies, 2 of my older sisters had 2 unplanned babies each and all I had to do was just think that I wanted to get pregnant and I was. The good news is that she's not discouraged but she has said if it doesn't happen after a year they will just give up. That makes me very sad, I know she wants a baby.

a new doc

2011-09-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

No, I'm not trading my husband in, he has his flaws but he more than makes up for them. I finally met with my new OB today and I was pleasantly surprised. Due to my last experience with off post OBs at Ft. Bragg my expectations were very low. This doctor was great, he took time to talk to me and answered all of my questions and he was sweet to TC.

The practice it pretty big so out of the 6 doctors there there is one at the hospital 24/7. That makes me very happy, many times you hear about unnecessary intervention because the doctor is getting impatient. TC came quickly but there is no promise #2 will as well. My mom likes to remind me that my sister D was here in 4 hours while it took me 36 16 months later.

The baby is doing good, nice strong heartbeat but as I suspected her little feet are dancing on my cervix and her head is bouncing off my ribs. If she's still this way at 34 weeks we will have to talk about our options. Also, for some reason they have be due on Dec 21st which we decided to keep, we really want her to be here before the first of the year and sooner EDD will make that more likely. I'm all for limited intervention but if I hit EDD +7 I will be ready to reach up there and pull her out myself (too much?). To be honest I really would be surprised if I make it to 40 weeks, maybe it's because I already had a baby but I'm feeling about 32 weeks right now. Don't get me wrong, I want her in there until she's fully cooked but I don't know if that will be her plan.

Since I am so far behind I need to get my gestational diabetes test and find the baby a doctor by the end of the week. I was waiting until Oct to really concentrate on getting TC her doctor because the new PA coming here might take children. I guess I can sign up off post then switch later. Next week we can sign up for a hospital tour. Holy shit....it's happening so soon.

This past weekend I got most of the boxes out of the baby's room, all of her clothes are organized by size and the swing, bouncer and PnP are all set up. The PnP just needs to be moved into our room but we can wait until Doc's dad comes out for that. He'll be staying her her room in the twin bed we are buying TC so once he leaves we can bring the chair and maybe even the crib in there.

So that's where we are, I'm feeling really good about #2 joining our family and soon. She just needs to do her part and flip to head down.

a loss

2011-09-26T17:27:00.000-07:00

I was going to have a good post today until I saw an Army Times headline. It's so hard to find things out like this but since we've left the battalion I guess this is just how it's going to be. Doc learned he lost a friend, a good kid only 22 years old. Doc is processing and we wont talk about it again but I know he's hurting.

Our new life is a compete 180 from our old. No deployments, no constant training cycles, no 5AM work calls with 12AM returns. But with that there is no real community feel. Even though I never met this young soldier who was killed I feel the loss because he was part of our family.

I think I will always feel this way, we were there for four years, that several deployments, 2 command changes and 4 fallen heroes, and many other wounded.

I know things got dicey for us as we were leaving and that sucked but I'm not letting that define our experience there. When they lose someone, we lose someone.

Rest in peace, thank you for all that you gave.

*note, I am leaving out the name and details because I don't want this to be searchable when his name is googled*

back to boring

2011-09-23T20:24:00.000-07:00

We had planned to drive to San Diego today to check out the zoo. It's about a 3ish hour drive so not really that bad of a day trip. Last night Doc said that he was having a bad head night so he didn't think we should go. Fine, I don't want to go when he's feeling bad but I was really looking forward to a fun family day together.

This morning he gets back from PT and I get myself out of bed and he said "when do you want to go?" Ummmm what? Had I know there was still a chance of us going I would have gotten ready last night. TC needed a bath, there were grapes to be sliced, lunch to be packed, travel toys to be picked and rotated, laundry to be done (I only have about 5 things that I can wear)....so I am scrambling around to get everything done when suddenly I decided that we wouldn't get there until 1 PM and the zoo closes at 6 so nope, we're not going. Such a bummer, we could have really used it but such is life when dealing with a TBI. Maybe next week when his head isn't so "tight".

In other news, Doc finally talked to his dad today about coming out to watch TC when the baby is born (aka Christmas). Doc said he should come 5-7 days before my Christmas Eve due date but I don't know - maybe a little earlier. I am sure this isn't going to happen but I am feeling like I'm going to go early. Maybe it's because I am so much rounder this time - in reality I would like to go a few days late, like Dec 28th so Christmas is over but if she wants to come early she should be a week early so we can still have a real Christmas. But she's still heads up so if she doesn't flip we will be picking her birthday in the form of a c-section scheduling.

it got real up in here

2011-09-22T15:58:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I let Doc know dinner was done, set it out on the table, got TC ready to eat and waited a few minutes. It would seem that once again TC and I were eating alone.

Doc has stated that he likes to eat dinner right around 5 which is fine since TC goes to bed at 7 so I do my best to be sure that dinner is ready around 5. I mentioned the other day that the new xBox hockey game came out, every year when the game is new it becomes a problem. The main issue is that the game is in real time, he plays with a team against other teams all in real time. He can't hit pause like in the super mario days. He also wears a headset while playing so he can communicate with his team. So he is focused on the came and talking over the the headsets which makes communication between him and me difficult. I will try to talk to him and sometimes he hears me and answers, sometimes he hears me and ignores me, sometimes he doesn't hear me. After being snapped at several times I only tell him things once, if he doesn't respond I assume it's a time he's ignoring me.

Back to the other night. I told him dinner was ready and he didn't say anything. I had just spent the past 30 minutes in the kitchen, and it was 5:00. He came in and seemed surprised that it was dinner time and was mad that I was upset. This was the third night in a row he couldn't come to dinner because of that damn game. I had had it.

Finally I lost it on him. The tears came fast and furiously. The thing about Doc is that he knows he's doing things that really bother me and he hates that he does it but he keeps doing it. He has this great internal battle between his act-like-a-teenager self and his husband-father self. He was telling me not to cry as his eyes started turning red, seeing me like that and knowing full well it was because of him.

It all came out, how much I hate that game when it interferes with our life, if he could get a handle on it I wouldn't care but he can't seem to. I told him how hard this move has been, I am in a new place where I know absolutely no one at all. Not a single person other than him and TC. I can't go outside and try to meet people because everyone is still inside and it's too hot out there for my pregnant ass. Then there was the pregnancy, I try so so hard not to complain, even to Doc. I am so happy to have this baby, I am so blessed to be pregnant but oh my God it's hard. I am in so much pain almost all day, I still can't eat what I want to eat and I have a toddler who doesn't understand "Mumma can't pick you up right now". Before when I was feeling like this I would run away to walk the mall or Target alone, but now there is no mall and Target is 30 minutes each way. The tears just kept coming.

I've been trying to suppress my sad feelings about this move since we pulled out of Washington, one of those "fake a smile until it's a real smile" things but it's not so easy. But I think my break down helped Doc understand a bit what life is like for me.

Yesterday was so much better. I woke up feeling like I didn't have to pretend and it was great. I told Doc that I was going into town and buying myself a KitchenAid mixer, finally. Target had them 20% off which was $40 off! Then I used my target card for an extra 5% off, I don't think I will get a better deal that that. And I'm not going to be made to feel bad about it, it's the cost of 2 xbox games.

After I had my mixer (and 4 cans of pumpkin which my commissary doesn't carry) in my car I waddled over to the Regis Salon. I just wanted to talk to the girls and get an idea of how they felt about a good blow out. As we know, I haven't had the best luck with my hair these past few years. They were both surprised when I told them about the issues I've had and said everyone there can work a round brush. In fact, I could get in a chair right away if I wanted. So I did and I am happy to say that I found a stylist!! I got the cut I wanted a few months ago but the girls was afraid to use her scissors.

It felt good. I finally did a few things for ME. I need to do this more often, it's just so hard now that we live in the middle of nowhere.

for a friend

2011-09-21T15:33:00.000-07:00

A fellow blogger and all around nice person has lost her father. Please keep Poekitten and her family in your thoughts.

No matter where you are in your life losing a parent is beyond devastating.

Poe, if you read this, this is the poem we had on my dad's mass card and it really helped.

God's Garden

God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful;
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough,
and the hills were hard to climb.
so He closed your weary eyelids,
and whispered “Peace be thine”.

It broke our heart to lose you,
but you did not go alone.
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.

Author Unknown

sometimes it's the little things

2011-09-19T15:59:00.000-07:00

There are so many trivial things in my life that put a smile on my face. I get a little embarrassed by how something so insignificant can make me so happy.

When we first moved in here I got so excited about having a garbage disposal again, it's not a necessity in life but especially with a toddler it comes in handy (if you don't know toddlers like to combine liquid and solid food during meal time which can get very messy). On the other hand I was really bummed to see that while the disposal is on the right side of the double sink the sprayer is on the left, why would they do that? Doc doesn't understand my love for a disposal but then again he doesn't wash many dishes.

Also on my happy list about this house is the fridge. Not only does the light inside work (and no it wasn't the bulb in the last house, I changed it) but we can keep the milk on the door and it wont go bad a week early. Also, it doesn't groan like it's going to die every 15 minutes. I can't even imagine how much of our electric bill went to that fridge in the old place. The really big excitement here in the Doc house, an ice maker! My husband is so good at using ice but somehow he can't grasp the concept of filling the trays. I love not having that argument (and yes after asking for the past 6 years we full on argued about it). It makes sense because the water from the tab here comes out very warm so no matter what you need ice. What small trivial thing about the fridge drives me nuts? The door opens on the wrong side. The counter is on the right but the door opens to the left. I've seen that be changed on HGTV, I might ask housing to fix it. The more pregnant I get the harder putting groceries away gets and every bit of help is appreciated.

This one I actually "squeed" when I realized - the light switch next to the garbage disposal, that turns on the UNDER CABINET LIGHTS!! Oh yes, not only do we have more cabinet space than I know what to do with but they have under mounted lights. I don't know how I made it 31 years without this, I don't think I can ever go back. The drawback of the cabinets, no hardware. I would love to add some but I am not sure that would go over well at move out.

And the latest exciting thing is that we finally have local channels on our Direct TV! I was seriously bumming about missing my shows (and not having PBS) but just in time we have them.

With all that makes me crazy in this world I love having these little luxuries. Makes me feel better about being stuck in AZ for the next 3 years (well these and Doc's non deployable job but that isn't trivial at all!).

Finally, I am going to leave you with some pictures.

26 weeks, I am so much bigger this time (but have gained less weight)

She can do no wrong.

my thoughts on Princesses

2011-09-17T11:17:00.000-07:00

There is one princess in my house and it's my cat, that's her name and she acts like one. She thinks she owns the place. When I first found out that TC was a girl I cringed every time someone called her a princess. She's not a princess, she does not come from royalty and she most defiantly does not rule.

I really hate the whole "little girls are princesses" movement that's been going on. I know it's not really a movement but I can't think of another word. Along with princess add diva, rock star, boss....all of those things. We are telling our daughters from the moment we find out that they are daughters that they are princesses and can have whatever they want. Then we bombard them with princess imagery from every angle. Is it any wonder that little girls are growing up so fast and with major attitude problems?

No I don't think your 6 year old daughter giving you sass is funny and when you constantly post about it on FB it makes me wonder about your parenting.

I know it doesn't all stem from princesses, I blame the parents who give into their child's every desire but I see that more with "little princesses" than just daughters.

Here's my issue, I love Disney movies. I did contemplate for a moment not allowing them in my house but quickly pushed that thought out of my mind. Sure it's OK if TC wants to relate to one of these girls a little but the more I think about it the more it makes me cringe. For the most part they are all the same girl, they need to fall in love and be rescued from all of their problems. Until their knight shows up they will just wait, helpless.

Ariel - if she didn't fall in love she would be seaweed

Sleeping Beauty/Snow White - basically the same thing, if they weren't kissed by a prince they would lay lifeless

Jasmine - had to marry a prince in the next three days, it didn't matter who he was

Even Nala and Sarabi - Without Simba's help they couldn't overthrow Scar when really it was the lionesses who defeated the hyenas. What did they really need Simba for?

I saw the end of another one of my favorites yesterday, Beauty and the Beast and when I thought about it this one wasn't bad. First, Bell isn't a princess, she isn't looking for love. She's perfectly happy reading her books hanging out with her father. It's the beast who needs to find love, it's him who needs rescuing. And she fights for him, that's pretty bad ass.

Now, I don't think a little princess play is a bad thing, I have a friend who has a daughter who will wear her princess dress over her super hero costume - that's a nice balance.

I just hate the thought of teaching our daughters that we just need to wait around and a prince will rescue us and we will live happily ever after. Happily ever after is possible but it takes a LOT of hard work which really makes it more gratifying.

hanging in there

2011-09-15T20:05:00.000-07:00

TC has been sick for the past week, I have no idea what's wrong with her. She's not pulling on anything or indicating she's in pain but she's had a temp of 103 for several days. Now that I am a seasoned mom I knew she just had a virus that would run it's course. The fever finally broke today but was replaced by some random rash. Again, it doesn't seem to bother her so it doesn't bother me.

I love that kid but damn it's so much extra work to take care of a sick kid. She's just so clingy and pathetic. I jumped at the chances to snuggle with her on the couch when I should have been vacuuming or something meaningless. She only has a few more moths as an only child and I don't care how much dog hair piles up, I am not going to let these moments pass. But it does mean that my house it a total disaster and I'm finally catching up on all the work.

I really want a beer tonight. I know that a Sam Adams Oktoberfest from a tap would be the most amazing thing I've ever tasted at this point. The good news is that the fall brews will still be fresh come December, I just need to pick up a case and make sure Doc knows not to touch it. hmmmmmmmm frosty mug..... I will settle for a grapefruit.

I was finally able to make an appointment with the doctor recommended to me. But it's not until the 28th. That's a long time between appointments but I'm a healthy girl so I'm not too concerned. Little A has stopped moving so much, it freaks me out a bit but as soon as I lay down at night she gets busy. I can feel her kicking my hipbone which is totally weird, TC never did that.

Two nights ago I woke from a dead sleep to serious cramping. I freaked out, Doc was out cold so I didn't wake him but I did download a contraction counter on my phone just in case. After about 30 minutes it turned out that I just really had to go to the bathroom (TMI?). God that was scary, While I was in the bathroom I managed to knock over TC's shampoo and it spilled all over the floor. Seriously, is there anything that is a bigger pain in the ass to clean off of a floor?

Yesterday I bought a table that we can all sit at together. Before we had a bar height pub table, perfect for Doc and me but not for a family. Now we have 4 chairs and we can use the old chairs at the breakfast bar. But the most exciting part is that we were able to move TC into the booster part of her high chair. Tomorrow that thing goes into the garage and wont come back out for quite a while.

I think that's pretty much it. A lot of randomness. I hope once TC is feeling better I'll be back to normal too. Maybe I'll even make some friends! Now that the weather is cooling off people are emerging from their homes.

hockey & head injury

2011-09-13T19:33:00.000-07:00

Some of you have been around these parts long enough to know that my husband is a hockey addict. No, he doesn't play anymore - well at least not real hockey. He loves xbox hockey, in fact I had a post about it in 2008. He still plays with those same guys. Other than me I think it's the longest relationship he's ever been in.

Today the 2012 game came out and Doc pre ordered it and went into town as soon as he was off work to pick it up. He's really been playing it all weekend, he signed up for some service where he can play some sports games before they come out. Yea, he's 30. It makes him happy and for the most part it doesn't get in the way of our lives, when it does I shut him down.

When we got our orders here one of the first things Doc did was check the Bruins schedule to see when they would play Phoenix, sorry dude it's December 28th. I am due the 24th and think the 28th would be the best day to have her. If she's here by then and there are tickets available then he's free to go other wise there is no way, it's 3 hours away and I had TC quickly.

What does any of this randomness have to do with head injury? Well so far nothing. Doc played hockey in junior high and high school during which he sustained several concussions. Add those to the few he received during army jumps it's not a surprise that the last blow did so much damage. I'm not blaming his injuries on hockey or the army, it was an accident it happens during deployment.

I've mentioned how hard it's been for us to watch what's going on with Marc Savard because what he is dealing with and has talked about publicly is a lot like what Doc has been dealing with. The only difference is that Savy's bosses weren't making him feel like shit for being injured and pushing him into getting back to work. The sad truth is that he is not returning to hockey this season and most likely will never play professionally again. For him it's called post concussion syndrome and not TBI, I'm not sure what the difference it, maybe something to do with whether or not he lost consciousness. After the Bruins won the cup watching his interviews was heart breaking, the look in his eyes was the same look Doc has when he talks about what he used to do.

It's so sad to see this happen, Sydney Crosby is also dealing with this. I am by no means happy that people are getting hurt, it's heart breaking because I think about what they and their family are going through - no matter what it's a life changer. What I would love to see is some of these high profile athletes partnering with some of the soldiers who have been quietly fighting the very same fight. TBI is the signature injury of these wars I think it's time we have some faces to associate with it.

My 9/11 storry (repost from last year)

2011-09-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

*after re reading I realized I had the times wrong last year so I edited that*

Me and my roomies 01-02

This is long and very personal so I understand is not everyone reads but I think it's time I put this down so I always know what that day was like, everything about that day.

I looked back and was surprised to see that I hadn't posted this before. It seems that we all know where we were, what we were doing and how we reacted the on September 11, 2001. The day has a whole extra element for me because I was horribly violated the night before. I thought the most I would have to worry about that day was dealing with being date raped but I would soon find out that wouldn't be the case.

I remember stepping out of Hall 10 on campus around 9:45 EDT. It was one of those perfect fall days where the warm sunshine mixed fall air in a way that you only find in New England. I tried to appreciate it but my head was swirling, what was I going to do about what happened the night before? I wasn't even sure what happened - I said no over and over but I didn't scratch or scream or really do anything other than cry. With that on my mind it's not surprising that when I heard the girls talking about the plane crashes I only half listened and assumed it was a new movie or something.

It was clear that word had not spread on campus yet, the rotunda was bustling as usual, the Greeks were in their spots, the jocks in their spots, the student government in their spots and the rest of us filled in the holes. Class went as scheduled, Business Law I think - the professor made no mention to what happened. At 10:50 when class was dismissed I made my way back to the rotunda to find the entire student body gathered together watching the tiny TVs in horror.

I couldn't believe it, the first thing I did was call my sister at her school outside of Boston, I knew her boy friend was flying out to California from Boston but I didn't know what day (remember 2 of the flights were non stop from Boston to LA). He was safe. I made my way over to another building on campus and once again the students were all brought together watching in disbelief. There were hugs and tears and terrified faces. Many of the students were from New York and New Jersey, our campus was just 50 miles south of Boston - this was happening in our back yard to people we love.

I spoke to my mom, my siblings, my stepmother. I wanted nothing more than to call my father because he is who I turn to when horrible things happened but he had died 4 months earlier. I remember feeling helpless and terrified. I wondered about my brother who was stationed in Japan with the Marines. I will admit that I didn't know where Afghanistan was so I looked at a map and wondered if he would be sent. I couldn't imagine someone I love being sent to war - it was just impossible to wrap my mind around.

I got back to my dorm and talked to my roommates about it all, we were party girls at the time. We were just getting to know each other but this brought us together in a way we could have never imagined. I called my office in down town Providence, we were open so I went to work. Radio stations had stopped playing music and people were just calling in and talking. It wasn't the angry anti Muslim crap we hear today, it was from the heart words of love and fear. At this point flags were at half staff.

In the office the phone didn't ring, no one was thinking about commercial real estate. The agents were watching a little black and white TV with a bunny ears antenna. I spent most of the day on my phone and in tears. At one point Providence officials were searching for a suspected terrorist who ran off a train, thank God it was nothing. I learned that a friend had not heard from his brother who worked in the North Tower. It was the longest 4 hours of work.

By the time I left the office at 5 EDT there was an obvious mood shift. The radio was playing music, songs about peace, songs about country, and songs about heroes. The flags were back up and being flown proudly. People had started putting flags everywhere they could. The unity that I had seen on campus was spreading to down town Providence and across the country.

I got back to school quickly because most offices had closed and there were few cars on the road but people weren't speeding, people weren't cutting each other off, people were being respectful. Without planes flying it was quiet. I still felt lost and scared. My roommates and I decided to go to a chapel service that night. The priest told us that he really didn't know what to do, what do you say when something like this happens? He said that when he doesn't know where to go when seeking God's guidance he starts at the beginning so he read from the book of Genesis. I don't remember exactly which passages he read but I do remember for the first time in over four months I felt my father's presence. I had heard about it from other people who lost people but I knew I hadn't experienced it. It was what I needed at that moment. It was reassurance that alive or dead when I need him he would be around.

Later that night my friend's brother made it home a hero. The intercom in the north tower told everyone to stay put but he knew better and being the loud Staten Island boy that he is got his entire office out of the building safely before the tower collapsed.

In the days and weeks to come campus was on lock down. Classes were welcome distractions. Our school lost two alumni, one of which was from my home town and very close to a close friend of mine. Flags popped up in every dorm window. There were still parties but they were patriotic parties, I know it sounds weird and disrespectful but is how many people coped.

As for me I decided not to do anything about what happened the night before. My brother went from Japan to The Philippians but would never go to Afghanistan. In 2005 he was one of the Marines taking Fallujah and has since retired from the military.

we have a lot to do

2011-09-10T22:00:00.000-07:00

Taken on Wednesday, 24.5 weeks

I am officially 25 weeks today (and about 13lbs but who's counting). That means we have 15 weeks left. Her room is still just a bunch of boxes and a pack n play. I have managed to wash and hang the clothes up to 3 months. I forgot how much I loved some of those outfits, I can't wait to see them in action again. We aren't buying a new crib but we do need to buy TC a bed and mattress. Lucky baby, she's born and TC is the one getting new stuff. I really don't care, I will do as many hand me downs as I can for as long as I can.

What's going on with the little squirt? Apparently her eyes are opening a bit now, the What to Expect app says to shine a flashlight on my belly to try to get a reaction, yea probably wont be doing that. She's should be around nine inches and 2lbs. By the feel of things she's still feet down. It's weird to feel kicks below my bump, doesn't she know that she should be in that baby bubble? She hasn't been moving as much this past week, I am sure all is fine but it would be really nice to have a damn appointment.

Yes I am still waiting for tricare to get my referral. The PA said he would make is a rush and since I'm paperless it should have come through fast. I think I'll be calling on Monday to light a fire under someone's ass.

So that's my baby update. We're getting excited even if that's not what you're getting from the tone of this post. I'm just not very gushy these days. I'm getting a little uncomfortable, by the end of the night it's hard to breathe. TC has had a mild fever the past few days and is super clingy which means a lot of picking her up and being climbed all over, she doesn't get it at all. I have caught her staring at my belly lately and she has to have noticed that my belly button has all but vanished during her daily belly button inspections. Once #2 starts moving around more it will be fun to see TC's reactions.

the gift that keeps on taking

2011-09-08T11:08:00.000-07:00

Since Doc's injuries there have been changes that came and went (I say that like it was a quick thing) and there are changes we are still dealing with. For him personally he still has really bad days with headaches and body aches. He is still trying to get back to the physical shape and ability level he once was so proud of. He went for a group run yesterday and kept up for the most part but towards the end he had to stop, it was to long and his head couldn't take it. Too many push ups or pull ups and his BP skyrockets and he losses his hearing. He has been working really hard and has dropped about 10lbs. He said a few more pounds and he'll be running around the house in his Ranger Panties again...oh lord!

Then there are the things that directly effect me like the lack of deployments, the job change and move to the middle of nowhere. But there is one that really gets me, his sleep. Almost anyone who shares a bed with a TBI patient will tell you, sleep is totally different. When Doc is out he is dead to the world. He has no awareness of anything around him. This didn't happen right away, it was maybe about 6 months or so after his injury. At first he was just out every night but then when sleep became more difficult and he started taking sleeping pills everything else started. He's been off the sleeping pills for quite a while now but he still has no awareness of me even in the bed.

I've woken up with his arm across my face, with him in the middle of the bed hugging my pillow, with him kicking me. Before the accident our queen bed was perfect but now I don't even thing a California king would be enough. I deal with it because I am not about to have separate bedrooms, it works for some but I know it would be our downfall. I can deal, I'm a big girl, if he is annoying me I just push him back to his side of the bed.

As we get closer to my due date I'm realizing that what we did with TC is not going to be an option for #2, we bed shared for about 6 weeks and after that she came to bed with me after her middle of the night feedings for about 6 months. Now, even with all the safety precautions a responsible bed sharer does there is no way it's possible. We will still co-sleep for a while, meaning she will be in our room but she will have to be in her pack n play. I'm pretty bummed because TC hated sleeping in the pack n play (which is how the bed sharing started). #2 will just have to get used to it, there really aren't any other options.

Stupid injury messing things up even 2 years after the fact! But he came home...no matter what changes this has forced us to make, he came home.

picture post

2011-09-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

TC has been adjusting really well to the move. She's such a happy kid, just give her some food a place to play and a pile of books and she's good. Once the temps drop more we'll be able to spend more time outside but for now we are pretty much homebodies. We did head across the street to the splash park the other day, TC had a good time, so did Doc.

She's all about cheesing out for the camera, if she sees it this is the face you get.

It took her a but to warm up to the park.

So Doc decided to stand her under the bucket so she could really get rocked.

Doesn't she look like such a big girl? She likes to dance around in her crib after nap time.

Finishing my ice cream bar.

Relaxing with Daddy.


She wakes up so happy.

I've been wondering a lot what Little A will look like, I would love for her to be just as beautiful as TC but look totally different. I am afraid that she wont be nearly as adorable as TC, that would be pretty crappy for her. Growing up one of my most horrible memory was my aunt seeing my sister D and saying "You just keep getting more and more beautiful" before she noticed me then she added "You're pretty too". I was about 12 at the time. Anyway, I have been picturing a little girl with blue eyes and strawberry blond hair. Obviously I have no idea what she'll look like, I would have never have guessed TC would look the way she does. And if she's nothing like I'm picturing I will be just fine with that too but I would really LOVE for her to have my blue eyes.

This is the exciting time in pregnancy when I can forget about the worries and day dream about our new little lady. Now if only tricare would hurry up with my referral, I haven't seen a doctor since 17 weeks.

A little help

2011-09-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

Doc is home so much more now with his work hours. When he's home that means he's making a mess. He is not so good about leaning up after himself. When he's home I have much less time to get my regular house work done, I hate cleaning while he sits around because it makes me feel like a maid. I've talked to him about needing more help, especially as I get super pregnant but he's not hearing it. I remember when I first stopped working, because I wasn't going to work it became even harder to find motivation to do other things. Maybe that is what he's going through and it will pass. I hope. He is working just about 1/4 of the hours he was working.

Dinner is the biggest issue for me. I'm back to not wanting to eat anything yet I still cook. So I make dinner for Doc and TC, sit with them while they eat then I clean it all up. WTF. Does that seem fair to anyone else? Even when he cooks for himself he leaves me the dishes. If the dishwasher is full he leaves them on the counter. Yesterday I felt like I had been run over by a 747 but still spent an hour scrubbing the kitchen, cleaning the pans I had left hoping he would step up and wash them himself. The rest of the day I spent trying to hydrate and keep the room from spinning. He made brats for lunch (boil then BBQ) which I was able to eat. He then made pollo Asada for dinner which I could not eat. When I was feeling up to some noodles, the pans were dirty from re fried beans and rice. I told him that I already cleaned the kitchen once I wasn't doing it again. He retorted with "I cooked for the family you should clean". Sounds reasonable right? I think so and have been trying to make that argument for years. I asked him to clean up after himself and he soaked the pans in in the sink and piled everything else on top of them.

He better snap out of this soon, I don't know how much longer I am going to physically be able to keep it up.

Introducing (kind of)

2011-08-31T22:36:00.000-07:00

Our little lady #2 has a name, in December Adair (Little A) will be rounding out our family. We came to the name the same way we found TC's name, saw it on a website and we both agreed. Not very romantic but it's how we get things done in this house.

I've been surprised by how different this pregnancy is from my last. I know every pregnancy is different but if I hadn't seen the ultrasound myself I would still be convinced I was having a boy. By this time last time I was feeling good and ready to go. I was pretty much my old self just rounder. This time I am still unable to eat half of what I cook. I am also losing my mind, I forget EVERYTHING. It's really a problem and Doc should be a bit more understanding, I have been dealing with his head issues since his injury (yup I just went there).

Tomorrow I am meeting with a PA on post to get my referral off post, I am a horrible mom and really need to get to the doctor, it's been more than a month. I can't even tell you how nervous I am about finding a doctor in town, I am sure they will have a list of providers that people have used and were happy with but ugh. It's going to be a 45 minute drive to the doctor. I just need to suck it up, I know but the last time I went to an OB referred by tricare was at Bragg and they sent me to some guy who overbooked every appointment and ran a cattle call. I was there for a minor procedure but I would see the pregnant woman sitting there uncomfortable and miserable for over an hour waiting to be seen. It seemed like he took only tricare and medicare patients. This time I will not settle, I may be looking for an OB for another month but I will find one.

Back to the baby, she is crazy active. I've been able to see her move from the outside which is creepy and early. TC likes to sit on the top of my belly, it's uncomfortable and #2 hates it. TC is already bullying her sister. My cat loves to lay on my belly when I am laying in bed and #2 hates that too, the other night she kicked until the cat got up and left.

I keep wondering about her personality. TC is a clown, she does what she can to entertain and when she finds something that makes us laugh she sticks with it. She's also been independent for the longest time, she can entertain herself all day as long I we keep her food coming. She's a dancer, there isn't a song that doesn't make her move. She's just fun. But this also has its drawbacks, she will play all day, she doesn't care if she has a dirty diaper so she doesn't tell us. She has yet to so much as pee in the potty. When she wants to be doing something and she can't she lets you know she's not happy. I can't imagine a toddler being any different. We will love Little A no matter what but I can't help but worry that her personality wont fit.

Is that horrible to say? Maybe, I am sure she will prove me wrong and in a year I will be tell you how amazingly she fits in and how I can't remember our family before her.

chugging along

2011-08-29T17:53:00.000-07:00

We didn't get the hurricane because we live in Arizona but we did get a nasty dust storm with 3 hours of 60 mph winds. It was like nothing I've ever seen before and I've experienced 2 hurricanes. We were impressed that the satellite TV didn't go out but unfortunately our internet did. I guess this is just something that happens out here so we should get used to it.

Other than that things are moving along. I have one more set of curtains to hang and need to find a home for one more print then I think we will have all of the decor that we own up. With all this wall space I want to get more but that will have to wait. I finished hanging the wall of pictures 10 minutes ago and after 3 houses I think I finally got the order right. We bought some blank canvases and new paint so I can work on some paintings, Doc is really encouraging me. He is worried that I'm becoming one of those people who has nothing in life outside of their kids. Duh, he knows I have you guys!

I am excited to start really painting again, I did so simple birds for TC's room but they were easy mindless things.

As of Saturday I am 23 weeks pregnant, can you believe that? Here's my bump from about a week ago, I am making that face because I was sure that Doc was zooming in on my boobs.

Thanks to the baby they are pretty photo worthy boobs if I do say so. I'm back to food aversions and having hard days but I can't really complain. I'm still struggling with my excitement level. At this point last time I was "going to have a baby" and now I am just "pregnant". It's weird. To help get myself amped I started working on her bedroom. Trying to clear out everything that doesn't belong in there and get it baby ready. We aren't buying a new crib so it will be cribless until TC makes the switch so I'm just going to have to try to visualize what it will really look like. Today I washed and hung all the newborn and 0-3 month clothes, it is a crime how many clothes we have. At least after #2 is done wearing them we can pass them along and not have to hold on to them. I am carrying this lady low just like TC but this one seems to be breach still. TC had turned herself by now but this girl is kicking my bladder and and headbutting around my ribs. I know I have time but I pray she turns, I can't imagine having a C-section with a 23 month old at home, not only would she have to share my attention but I wouldn't be able to pick her up. Not happening.

So that's about it. My computer isn't in the main living area anymore so blogging takes me getting away. I really like it like this but I miss daily blogging, I will have to find a happy medium. As soon as I get the house clean I will do a tour Mrs. Sergent style to show off the digs.

baby steps

2011-08-22T21:40:00.000-07:00

I talked to Doc on Sunday about a few of the things I needed help with. He was joking that I had been promising him pumpkin bread when I told him that he's been promising me that he's put his stuff away. Later that morning TC figured out how to open one of the totes and found a suture kit, not the best toy for an 18 month old so I started dragging the tote to the garage. Doc heard me and came out to finish the job. Later in the day he organize the garage storage and brought most of his stuff out. I was able to hang some curtains in the sitting room and even get two pictures on the walls. Oh, and I made that pumpkin bread.

Today I did nothing house related.

This morning I decided to get outside with TC around 7:30 it was only 82 out so I loaded up her sunscreen and brought her to one of the playgrounds near my house. She had fun but most of the stuff was too big for her to use. She loved being in a new place checking it out. After that we stopped by the house, grabbed the pup and went for a walk. It was just a long way around the block, maybe 15 minutes but it was 86 by then and the sun was as strong as it ever get in WA and it felt pretty humid. We could have done the block again but I don't want to over do it, getting used to this climate is no joke especially for a pregnant woman. Luckily TC doesn't seem to mind and she's getting much better about letting us apply sunblock without major breakdowns.

Hopefully tomorrow we will get back out there for a longer walk. My thighs are getting a little squishier than I like.

A few things to get used to about a small post, the commissary isn't open on Mondays and there is no hospital. I forgot this first tidbit last night when I decided not to take anything out of the freezer. I was able to throw together a homemade pizza with yeastless crust because of course I didn't buy yeast. It came out pretty good, I think next time I'll make it on the grill. The other thing, lack of a hospital or even a clinic for that matter is weird. There is an aid station with a PA and a few surgeons and that's it. They do primary care but not pediatrics and, unless the guy coming in has a background in it, not OB. Looks like we will be shopping for doctors in town.

The closest hospital is about 40 minutes away, if Doc wasn't trained to deal with scary trauma stuff I would be pretty nervous about it but he is any he'll know the surgeons soon too. I'm a Massachusetts girl so I am used to having some of the best hospitals in the world a stones throw away, it's amazing the things the things that you take for granted.

Things are coming together, Doc was even told to get his Class As redone because it can take up to a month to get the patches in and applied. I asked him why and he told me he has to be board ready! Obviously we don't have a date or anything but a promotion in the near future would be amazing. I wonder if he would have to wear a black beret, I have not seen him in one of those since he graduated AIT...god that will be weird.

how about me?

2011-08-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

Seems like everyone in my life wants to know how the move was, how TC is adjusting, how's #2 doing, what about Doc's new job, even how the critters are - see anything missing? I'm not a big fan of pity parties but I want to have a mini one because I feel like crap and no one cares to ask.

It's not really one thing that I can put my finger on and I have no idea why I am so run down but it really needs to stop. I am as tired as I was during my first trimester and with everything that needs to be done it's really stressing me out. I just got the child locks on the lower kitchen cabinets, not one curtain is hung and I am looking at loads of army gear that should be put in the garage. My mental checklist is so long that thinking about it keeps me up at night. When I do fall asleep I am up in the middle of the night because I can't get comfortable with Doc taking up 3/4 of the bed and my expanding waistline.

I would love a little help, I knew once we had television again it would be the end of it and I was right. I was on the phone and asked Doc to change a diaper, we cloth diaper so the contents need to be flushed. I have told Doc 1000 times that the wipes we were using were not flushable but he tried anyway and clogged my toilet. We have 2 bathrooms so it's not the end of the world but had I been the one to clog his toilet he would hound me until it was fixed. Well we finally got a plunger today and guess who ended up plunging...I know it's a small thing but it's the list of small things.

He's all over me to take it easy, my food aversions are back and I even ended up needing a zofran shot the other night. That with the major back pain I have and general feeling of overwhelmedness (I say it's a word so deal with it) make me want to just take a day and stay in bed but while I am taking a break who is going to get shit done? If I had his help we would have the house clear of garage stuff, the garage organized and curtains hung in 2 hours. Then I could concentrate on the other stuff that I like such as hanging pictures. Instead I am chasing TC and throwing away his empties because he can't be bothered to take them to the trash.

What's really frustrating is that he hasn't even started his new job yet! He's gone in a few times for a few hours but that's it. He's also on my case about getting out of the house. I feel horrible, I don't want to drive 30 minutes into town just to get out of the house and I don't want to go outside because it's 110 out there and I've been living in 60 degree temps for the past 4 years. I am fine with hanging out in the house and the more he pushes me to get out of it the more I want to punch him in the face.

I tried to take a bath last night but the tub was wicked shallow and short, even if I had my flt belly it wouldn't have been covered by water. 3 years of not bath is going to really suck, that is where I go to run away.

There is some good news, I'm 22 weeks today and #2 is moving around much more, I can even see it from the outside already. I started gaining weight again so I'm back to 163. I'm going to try very hard to only gain 12 more lbs but I wont hate myself if I go over, I lost it once I can do it again.

I'm sure I will snap out of it, once the house is set up maybe. Maybe after we finally get my tricare transferred and I can meet my new doctors. Once I feel like Doc is in a mood which will allow me to approach these issues with him. I don't want him to feel attacked and I want to be calm when I bring it up. There are 2 places where I try to never bring issues up, at the dinner table and in our bed. Hopefully I'll find an opening soon.

Don't think my complaining makes me forget how blessed I am to be in this situation to begin with. I just wish I didn't have to feel so alone right now.

I'm back!

2011-08-18T17:28:00.000-07:00

A very creepy looking cable guy came to my house today and installed the internet. I "squeed" when I saw the truck pull up. If he wasn't such a creepster I might have wanted to kiss him.

Anyway, my story goes back to August 7th, the day I turned 31. We picked up the truck and started packing. We decided the day before to wait and leave on Monday, we thought we would be able to leave in the mid morning but that wasn't the case. We went with budget truck rental because it was $800 less than the other 2, I guess we should have known there would have been a reason. When we got the truck home we realized that the hand truck we reserved was missing, that meant that Doc had to carry each box individually and made the process about twice as long as it should have been. When we called budget they said they had a shortage and they were on order. WTF, I understand a shortage of out of season flowers but hand trucks are really that hard to come by...but I digress.

We left our house at 5:00PM on Monday and drove about 3 hours to Salem, OR and stopped for the night. I wanted to make the trip as cheap as possible so we stayed in a Super 8 the first night - yuck! The whole place smelled like smoke. TC decided that she loved the place so much she stayed up until 1AM to enjoy it.

The next day is when we really got into it. We had to travel the mountain passes of OR, I think there were about 6 of them. Doc had the huge truck with about 8000lbs of HHG, a trailer and his car. We topped out at about 20mph going up most of the mountains. Going up was one thing but coming down was the scary part for me, I said a prayer each time. The final pass in OR is the highest on I-5, like 4750 feet or something stupid, at one point we had to pull over and Doc didn't think he would make it. I have never held a walkie talkie tighter in my life. Before my panic attack he tried again and in second gear he made it.

NEVER AGAIN. never again, never again, never again. I didn't want to do a DITY move this time, I would have loved to have sat on my ass and watch overweight guys pack up my house and the watched another set of dudes unpack it. Doc wanted the DITY so we did it. Then the whole trip he seemed to be keeping score on who was doing more. He was driving the truck, he was walking the dog, he was carrying the things to the hotel room...he forgot the 2 major things I was doing - a f'ing DITY move and growing a baby (21 weeks).

The rest of the trip was pretty uneventful. TC did great in the car and there were plenty of shaded rest stops to let run around. Due to the heat we couldn't sit down in any restaurants so we were stuck with fast food, a hazard or traveling with pets. The day of our final push into town is where it got interesting.

On the final mountain pass Doc and I got separated on a truck turn off. I tried to wait for him but people in CA don't take kindly to driving 40 on the highway, it wasn't safe. I told him I would head up the pass and meet him at the next rest stop. I made my way up, I hung back with the trucks going like 30 trying to keep as little distance between us as possible. Then as I started heading down I saw that the last rest stop for 70 miles was closed! So I continued to drive slow but I was on the highway. I didn't want to pull off because I had TC and the cat so I couldn't leave my car (at a rest stop I just took the cat out and set the carrier in the shade). I tried to call Doc to make sure he know the highways to take and he didn't pick up. For an hour I called him and he never picked up. I panicked. I called my girl E-Dubs because I didn't know what to do, not that she could do anything but I thought that if I got irrationally upset that would be when he would call. She was great, I was a sobbing mess thinking that he had rolled off the mountain in a fiery crash when he beeped in. He told me I was silly for getting so upset but if the situation was reversed he would have done the same. His phone had fallen out of reach, he had to pull over to find it. In my head I was thinking that not only will I lose my husband but everything we own from our life together, I would have TC and that would be it. I know a weird thing to think but that's where I went.

So I kept driving, he was a few hours behind me. The truck had started to overheat on the pass and he had to pull over twice. We're pretty sure that they never checked the fluids between drivers, the washer fluid was gone. (never again) I kept driving, through Palm Springs, by a beautiful sea side town that we really need to visit, through a po-dunk little down in the middle of the state highway...until I got here. Doc decided to pull off in Riverside and visit with his college friends, he did live in CA for 5 years. It was a good chance for him to visit and for the truck to take a break. There was one more sharp incline ahead.

TC and I checked into the Best Western around 6 I think. Maybe earlier. We had stayed in BWs the previous 2 nights and loved that they were pet friendly and had a really good hot breakfast. Doc arrived around midnight and we were finally together in our new town.

The next day (Friday) we signed the lease for our house on post. Our very first time living on post but since the town is 30 miles away and you can see the boarder patrol fence from it (directly on the boarder) it was a no brainier. The house is better than we thought, the pictures did not do it justice. I will have pictures of it once everything has found a home. I will have pictures from the trip as soon as I can sync my droid with my Mac.

So far so good. I have so much more to tell you about actually living here but I am sure I've lost most of you by now.

quick update

2011-08-15T09:28:00.000-07:00

Still no internet. I hope to get to the computers in the community center when doc comes home from work. The community center is just across the street after all! Quick version is that we made it, not with out drama but we are here and slowly getting unpacked. I hope to have a real update soon.

PS

Arizona is hot.

on the road

2011-08-09T08:46:00.000-07:00

Blogging from the Droid sucks. We are on our way finally. I'll update when we get there but until then have a great week and you can find me on Twitter @randomarmywife.

silent

2011-08-06T11:03:00.000-07:00

Remembering those lost not only last night but everyday since the wars started.

Praying for everyone who has been affected.

it's over

2011-08-05T16:15:00.000-07:00

Doc signed out of his unit today. After everything that's he's had to do while out processing it came down to one signature.

So what has he been doing these past 4 years and what did he spend 1.5 years training to do? I'll tell you but I'm going to do it in a round about way because I don't want my blog to be found by searching for the unit. I've gone back and forth on disclosing this information but I think we've decided we wont be coming back no matter what happens so here it is. Remember the football player who joined the army? There is a memorial to him here because this is where he worked.

http://www.usmilitariaforum.com/uploads/monthly_04_2011/post-16702-1303182189.jpg

That orange sticker is what I have on my car.

The constant training cycles and deployments have been our life until his injury. We always figured we would stay here for around 5 years then it would be off to PA or med school for Doc, or something. We always thought we would be leaving on our own terms. Well things change quickly when someone gets knocked upside the head.

Doc is lucky to have been able to do many of the things he did. He saw more action than some infantry guys and can look at several of his friends and know that they are still doing what they do thanks to the care Doc provided them in the field. There are wives who got their husbands back because of what my husband did. Maybe another medic would have done just as well but it was Doc. The most comforting thing I heard before a deployment was one of Doc's buddies telling me "if something happens to me and Doc isn't my medic I would rather just shoot myself in the head". That is the confidence they had in him and because of that I knew they would do their best to keep him safe.

I know he wanted to go out there for a few more trips before all was said and done but that was not in the plan. Now we head to an assignment which will hopefully allow Doc to heal up as much as he will ever heal. He's working at a school on a training post. After a few years here we will decide what the next move is, maybe some schooling maybe one of the bad ass jobs that has been contacting him...

No more looking back, the future is wide open.

moving sucks

2011-08-03T21:15:00.000-07:00

We are in PCS hell, well not really but I'm just not enjoying this process. I don't know anyone who's ever really enjoyed moving. I really didn't think it would be this hard, when we moved into this house from the apartment I was 12ish weeks pregnant and it was easy. We were also moving from a 2 bedroom apartment with just Doc's and my crap not from a 3 bedroom house full of baby stuff. Being almost 20 weeks pregnant is not helping. Oh and chasing a toddler, we can't forget her.

OK the bitchfest is over, sorry about that. But I actually had swollen feet the other night! It's way to early for that. The original plan was to leave on Friday and arrive on Tuesday but housing said they wont be ready for us until Friday. They need to clean the carpets paint - this house has been sitting empty for months and they are just doing this now? I don't get it. Are they just trying to be jerks? Had it been done when the last family moved out we wouldn't have to deal with the awesome paint smell. Oh sorry, I said I would stop bitching.

Packing is going well, we just need to finish the kitchen and sun room. Everything else looks like a bomb went off but it's actually organized chaos.

High ceilings? Just stand on a huge pelican case and bar height chair.

I'm glad to say this room looks so much better now.

front half of our garage

back half

I want to have almost everything else done by tomorrow night. Want, but we don't have to since now we aren't leaving until Sunday (my birthday).

And for good measure a pregnancy update: I'm 19 weeks and 4 days. My wedding rings are off, it looks like they tried to eat my finger. I've got quite the bump and she is moving around a lot but not enough for Doc to feel her yet. She still nameless, right now Evelyn is the front runner.

The end

thinking is hard

2011-08-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

There is so much going on, here is the run down:

Today is Doc's 30th and I'm too tired to really do anything and he's too stressed.
I have been telling Doc that to advance for the move would take longer than a few days to hit our account, we don't want to hit the road until we see the money. Anyone who's dealt with army finance should understand that. He wanted to be on the road on Wednesday and there is no way that's happening. He's now realizing that I was right (again) but I suppose I shouldn't remind him of that.
Packing and scrubbing is a lot more demanding on a 19 week pregnant woman than a 12 week pregnant woman. Ugh! Doc is helping but not enough.
Moses is driving me nuts, ever since we started packing he's been on edge and each time we leave the house he freaks out like we're leaving him forever.
I kind of want to just slink out of town and tell everyone we're gone after we've left. I don't want to have the whole going away sadness. Of course I'll have a goodbye with TC's BFF's mom but that's probably it.
There is so much more packing and cleaning to do and I kind of took today off.
When a medic leaves Doc's unit they get a plaque to commemorate their time here. Since all the guys were away on mandatory fun last week Doc ordered it himself. He paid for it and when he went to the medic fund to be reimbursed there was no money. It's frustrating, he's been paying his dues for 4 years and now he has to go asking to have his covered. We'll see what happens, everyone is on leave...
If my cat wakes me up at 4AM again because she wants to snuggle I may just punch her in the face. Well not really but I'll want to.
Even more random, today is not only Doc's birthday but it's my sister's husband's birthday and it's brother's ex wife's birthday. We used to tell my little brother's wife that she wasn't cool because she wasn't born on Aug 1st but since my other brother's divorce it's not as funny.

THE playlist

2011-07-28T12:03:00.000-07:00

It has taken a few weeks but here it is, I am hope it is the perfect road trip playlist. Either way it fit on two disks of MP3s. I also have 2 audio books to change things up. In case you're curious here it is in random order:

Casey Jones	Grateful Dead
Till the World Ends	Britney Spears
Stand	R.E.M.
Somebody Told Me	The Killers
Big Easy	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Hey, Hey	Dispatch
Untitled	O.A.R.
I Believe In a Thing Called Love	The Darkness
Delicate Few	O.A.R.
Rockin The Suburbs	Ben Folds Five
Shut Up and Drive	Rihanna
It's oh so Quiet	Bjork
I Like Cold Beverages	G Love & Special Sauce
Total Eclipse of the Heart	Bonnie Tyler
He Can Only Hold Her	Amy Winehouse
Right as Rain	ADELE
James	O.A.R.
Summer	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Dragonfly	Dj SakinandFriends
Could You be Loved	Bob Marley
I Am The Walrus	The Beatles
L'Amour Toujours	Gigi D'agostino
Daughter	Loudon Wainwright III
About an Hour Ago	O.A.R.
Program Director	O.A.R.
Whose Chariot?	O.A.R.
First Love	ADELE
Down Bottom (TV Version)	Drag-On
Country Grammer (Dirty Edit)	Nellie
If Only She Knew	O.A.R.
Paradise By The Dashboard ....	Meatloaf
Possum Kingdom	Toadies
Hanginaround	Counting Crows
Unspeakable Joy	Kim English
Circus	Britney Spears
Busted Knuckles	Dropkick Murphys
52-50	O.A.R.
Home	Michael Bublé
Rumour Has It	Adele
Ryde or Die Chick	Lox, The
Forever Young	Bob Dylan
Gimme Three Steps	Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wonderful Day	O.A.R.
Good	Better Than Ezra
Better off Alone	Alice Deejay
Best Imitation of Myself	Ben Folds Five
its over now feat	Kurupt
Yes (hex Hector Club Mix)	Amber
Don't You Remember	Adele
Baby You're A Rich Man	The Beatles
Elias	Dispatch
Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya	Dropkick Murphys
Amy Amy Amy	Amy Winehouse
Break the Ice	Britney Spears
Gepetto	Belly
City On Down	O.A.R.
I Found a Boy	Adele
Sweet Home Alabama	Lynyrd Skynyrd
Don't Stop Believin'	Journey
Crazy for You	ADELE
King Of The Thing	O.A.R.
Hey Girl	O.A.R.
Wake Up Alone	Amy Winehouse
Only You (Bad Boy Remix)	112
(Nice To Meet You) Anyway	Gavin DeGraw
Of a Revolution	O.A.R.
I Need A Lover [Live]	Pat Benatar
You Know I'm No Good	Amy Winehouse
Watch Out Now	Beatnuts
I need a miracle	Fragma
Africa	Howie Day
Sliver	Nirvana
This Time of Year	Better Than Ezra
Ssst (Listen)	Jonah
Turning Tables	Adele
(There Is) No Greater Love	Amy Winehouse
Last Dance	Donna Summer
Early Mornin'	Britney Spears
Piece of Me	Britney Spears
Echoes On 'A.' Street	Dropkick Murphys
Me Against The Music (Rishi Rich's Desi Kulcha Remix)	Britney Spears
Black Friday Rule	Flogging Molly
Sweet thing	Mary J. Blige
The State of Massachusetts	Dropkick Murphys
Risen	O.A.R.
What Means The World To U (LP	Cam'ron
Hold It Against Me	Britney Spears
I Feel Home	O.A.R.
Funeral	My Techno
Untitled	O.A.R.
Daydreamer	ADELE
Ghetto Jam	Domino
Army	Ben Folds Five
Dirrty	Christina Aguilera
All These Things That I've Done	The Killers
Got To Get You Into My Life	The Beatles
Jumpin, Jumpin	Destiny's Child
Waiting For Tonight	Jennifer Lopez
Big Fat Bass (feat. will.i.am)	Britney Spears
Always Be My Sunshine	Jay Z
Bobby McGee	Janis Joplin
Rehab (Hot Chip Vocal)	Amy Winehouse with Hot Chip
If U Seek Amy	Britney Spears
material girl	Madonna
Devil's Dance Floor	Flogging Molly
Next 2 You	Buckcherry
Coalminer	O.A.R.
Some Unholy War	Amy Winehouse
Breakin' Dishes	Rihanna
Redemption Song	Bob Marley
Something Coming Over	O.A.R.
Drain You	Nirvana
Why Go	Pearl Jam
me and you	Cassie
Better Together	Jack Johnson
Girls	Beastie Boys
Mmm Papi	Britney Spears
Dreamlover	Mariah Carey
Sk8ter Boy	Avril Lavigne
Semi-Charmed Life	Third Eye Blind
I'm a Thug	Trick Daddy
War Song	O.A.R.
If You See Jordan	Something Corporate
The Joker	Steve Miller Band
The Cave	Mumford & Sons
Tears Dry On Their Own	Amy Winehouse
Magical Mystery Tour	The Beatles
Life in a Tenement Square	Flogging Molly
I'll Be Waiting	Adele
Let Me Fly	Dmx
Buffalo Soldier	Bob Marley
Here Comes My Baby	Cat Stevens
No Woman No Cry	Bob Marley
Tuesday's Gone	Lynrd Skynrd
Bouncing Around The Room	Phish
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat)	Jason Mraz
Jeremy	Pearl Jam
Mercedes Benz	Janis Joplin
The Dirty Glass	Dropkick Murphys
Time Bomb	Rancid
When I'm Sixty-Four	The Beatles
Take It All	Adele
NIght Shift	O.A.R.
Back to Black	Amy Winehouse
He Won't Go	Adele
Ooh Ooh Baby	Britney Spears
Stranger In My House (Hex Hect	Tamia
Sunshine	Jonathan Edwards
Amsterdam	Guster
Caught Out There	Kelis
Candyman	Christina Aguilera
You Know I'm No Good	Amy Winehouse featuring Ghostface Killah
Girlfriend	Avril Lavigne
Worker's Song	Dropkick Murphys
Dirty Water	The Standells
Best for Last	ADELE
Let's get loud	Jennifer Lopez
Dream On	Aerosmith
Chemical Party	Gavin DeGraw
Lovesong	Adele
Thirteen	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
I'm Free	Amber
Three Little Birds	Bob Marley
ride wit me	Nelly
Ignition Remix	R. Kelly
Outrageous	Britney Spears
The Boom	Ruff Ryders F/ Dmx,Vegas
Heard the World	O.A.R.
Someone Like You	Adele
One Shot	O.A.R.
Crazy Bitch	Buckcherry
Up n' Down	Britney Spears
I Wanna Go	Britney Spears
Bonnie & Shyne	Shyne Featuring Barrington Levy
Don't Stop the Music	Rihanna
American Music	Violent Femmes
Shattered (Turn the Car Around)	O.A.R.
I'm A Slave 4 U	Britney Spears
Heaven (Acoustic)	O.A.R.
My Same	ADELE
Girl Next Door	Howie Day
Southern State Of Mind	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
My Own Worst Enemy	Lit
Black Velvet Band	Dropkick Murphys
Buried Alive	Dropkick Murphys
Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z)	Rihanna
Dance, Dance, Dance	Steve Miller Band
Mr. Brightside	The Killers
Just Friends	Gavin DeGraw
More Than Anyone	Gavin DeGraw
My Baby's Got Sauce	G Love and the Special Sauce
S&M (Remix) [feat. Britney Spears]	Rihanna
Gone Daddy Gone	Violent Femmes
You Can Call Me Al	Paul Simon
Dareh Meyod	O.A.R.
Thoia Thoing	R. Kelly
sweet child o mine.mp3	Guns 'n Roses
Secret Smile	Semisonic
Hey Mister	Custom
Tired	ADELE
Sweetest Goodbye	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Smooth Criminal	Alien Ant Farm
Jenny Was a Friend of Mine	The Killers
Above The Clouds (Club Mix)	Amber
Cold Shoulder	ADELE
Kiss Off	Violent Femmes
Set Fire to the Rain	Adele
Gimme More	Britney Spears
Octopus's Garden	The Beatles
Gimme That Nut	Eazy-E
Devil Went Down	Coyote Ugly Soundtrack
Badfish	Sublime
Garden Grove	Sublime
Toxic	Britney Spears
Sun is Shining (atb club mix)	Bob Marley
That Was a Crazy Game of Poker	O.A.R.
The General	Dispatch
Heaven	Dj Sammy and Yanou Feat. Do
Popular	Nada Surf
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun	Cyndi Lauper
Taylor	Jack Johnson
Something In The Way She Moves	James Taylor
Huricane	Bob Dylan
Still Fighting It	Ben Folds
Chasing Pavements	ADELE
Around The World	ATC
Stir It Up	Bob Marley
Melt My Heart to Stone	ADELE
(I Got That) Boom Boom	Britney Spears
Let Me Love You	Da Buzz
Where'd You Go	Fort Minor featuring Holly Brook and Jonah Matranga
Still Dirrty	Christina Aguilera
Amnesia	Britney Spears
One and Only	Adele
Tiny Dancer	Ben Folds
Gonna Be a Blackout Tonight	Dropkick Murphys
Just Friends	Amy Winehouse
You Get What You Give	New Radicals
Anyway	O.A.R.
Thong Song	Sisqo
Laid	James
More Than a Feeling	Boston
Cherry	Amy Winehouse
Womanizer (Remix) feat. Erick Right	Britney Spears
Radar	Britney Spears
I'm not a player	Big Pun
Toy Soldier	Britney Spears
girls, girls, girls	Jay-Z
You	Candlebox
F**k Me Pumps	Amy Winehouse
I Heard Love Is Blind	Amy Winehouse
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds	The Beatles
Don't Look Back	Boston
Battle of Who Could Care Less	Ben Folds Five
This Town	O.A.R.
Dance With Me	112
Friend of the Devil	Grateful Dead
Cover Me	Candlebox
Love and Memories	O.A.R.
Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced	Dropkick Murphys
My heart goes boom	French Affair
Over-Rated	Gavin DeGraw
Nasty Naughty Boy	Christina Aguilera
Times Like These	Jack Johnson
Things We've Handed Down	Marc Cohn
Paint It Black	The Rolling Stones
Alabama Song	The Doors
Hometown Glory	ADELE
Loyal to No One	Dropkick Murphys
Hey Ma feat. Juelz Santana & Freaky Zekey	Camron
Rubysoho	Rancid
Piece of My Heart	Janis Joplin
So Moved On	O.A.R.
Little Lion Man	Mumford & Sons
Tainted Love	Soft Cell
3	Britney Spears
Rolling In the Deep	Adele
Feelin' On Yo Booty	R. Kelly

new beginnings

2011-07-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

First of all, thank you so much for all the support yesterday. I struggle with what to post sometimes because I like to be 100% honest here but I also try to be sensitive to my readers. I was very upset with myself yesterday telling Doc "we have a second healthy baby girl and I'm disappointed". That was how I was feeling. I think if I feel the need to really vent about my pregnancy in the future I will call it out in the title and if some readers don't want to read a post like that on a particular day they wont stumble upon one.

Two days ago I got an email out of the blue. An old friend who I missed dearly reached out to me. We both had a lot going on and wires got crossed and, well things happen. I have wanted to reach out for a long time but I wasn't the one to end things so I wanted to give her the space she needed. When I saw her in my inbox I was floored. I am glad to have her back in my life and I really hope we can be as close as we once were.

If you are thinking about someone from your past (recent or not so much) I say let them know. A few years ago I reached out to an old friend and heard nothing back, I am glad I did it and honestly nothing bad came from me doing it. She just wasn't in the same place I was, no big deal. When I read my email the other day I was so touched that I cried. And all it took was a few sentences in an email and now I have an old friend back.

not at all what I expected

2011-07-26T17:25:00.000-07:00

We had our anatomy scan for #2 today and I am happy to report everything looks great. Of course at 18w3d it's still early to get a good look at everything but everything they saw was exactly as it should be at this point.

#2 was being a little shy for a while, every time the tech wanted to look between the legs suddenly they would close. It wasn't until the very end when she was pointing everything out to us that I saw it, "that's a vagina isn't it?" And sure enough it was. TC will have a little sister, a best friend only 22.5 months younger. I know it's either going to be a boy or a girl so there really shouldn't be much surprise either way but I would have bet $1,000 I was having a boy.

I know it will be amazing for TC to have a sister, I've always wanted one for her but at the same time I couldn't believe my reaction. I cried, a lot. I know I only want two kids so I guess I'm mourning the loss of ever having a boy. I'm not telling you this because I am proud of myself, I am actually quite ashamed of my reaction. Here I am blessed with a second healthy child and I was crying over her genitals? But I also know that it's a normal reaction and I am just going to allow myself to be a little sad for a bit while I really get used to the idea of another beautiful girl.

Doc was great about it, I could see that he was really sad but he kept it to himself and did his best to assure me that what I was feeling was normal and TC will be so blessed to have a sister. His eyes were glossy and red.

We will not have a son.

I know we could always try for a boy but in reality I only want 2 kids, I always only wanted 2 kids. There is no guarantee that #3 would be a boy so then what? Then I have one more child than I am comfortable with and still no son. I don't believe in the "keep trying until we get one" approach.

In the next few weeks we will seriously stated to consider names. I would love something that goes well with Teagan. We like that her name is unisex, maybe we'll continue on that road. She will have my maiden name for a middle name but I wont be sharing that here - PERSEC you know. But who knows, we may go in a different direction all together, I think Noelle is beautiful and I am due on Christmas Eve...

We are having another baby girl. A girl! A sister. I love her so much already.

the strange things I do

2011-07-25T20:15:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned on twitter the other day I am in the process of sifting through the 4156 songs in my iTunes to come up with the perfect road trip play list for the big move down 1-5. About 1/4 of these songs are Doc's crappy Emo bands so I don't have to worry about them but sifting through my music is hard. I would just say screw it and put about 2000 songs on my iPod but I remember what a pain it was when we drove from NC to WA to find stations to use for my iPod. Unfortunately for me my 2007 Santa Fe does not have an AC port on the stereo. I think they started doing that in the next model. I had to convert my music from the purchased ACC format that you get from iTunes to MP3 so I can make disks. To do that I had to burn audio disks and then reupload the music to my computer.

That was a huge pain, I bought the music I should be able to keep it in whatever format I want! I'm starting to miss CDs.

Since doing that I made a play list of all the songs I love and think I want to hear on the drive. After carefully choosing there were still 450 songs, more than I would need if that was all I listened to.

Here's where I get weird.

I have a tendency to personalize things, it started when I was a kid - I made sure to chew the same amount on both sides of my mouth so one side wouldn't get jealous. I had to play with all of my dolls the same amount so non would feel left out...I thought I grew out of this. I am now feeling guilty for removing songs from my road trip list because I'm afraid they will think I don't love to listen to them. By keeping Dreamlover and ditching While My Guitar Gently Weeps what am I saying about myself? It's not that I like that song better, it's not even close but when I've been in the car for 2 days am I going to want to be lulled to sleep by The Beatles or will I want to dance in my chair and sing along with poppy crap?

So there it is, my driving music choices are a little off. Luckily TC isn't to the point of understanding and repeating songs so I'm free to keep Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced by my beloved Dropkick Murphys without an issue. I know that it will start to play just as I am losing my steam and will keep me going.

I will have to coddle the Bob Dylan, Beatles, Gavin DeGraw songs that didn't make the cut when we get there. I hope they understand that just because I was bobbing my head to The Thong Song I was, by no means, choosing Sisqo over them.

And on a related note, as I drove to Target today sans child I enjoyed the opportunity to have my windows down and radio up. Maybe a little too high up but I miss loud music! (But no, I am not a crazy bass thumping person, I drive a Hyundai with a factory stereo.) While stopped at a light I got a few strange looks, I guess people weren't expecting Nirvana's Slither to be coming out of the mom mobile with the car seat in the back. I make no apologies, I love my time alone in my car and will continue to enjoy (reasonably) loud (curse free) music when I get the chance. Just as the smoker has the right to pollute my air with her nasty cancer stick I have the right to enjoy some tunes - the difference being that a little O.A.R. wont give you cancer.

the ugly truth

2011-07-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

If it's true that baby girls take your beauty then I must be having triplet girls. Not that I was Miss Universe before getting pregnant but I got a few second looks. I was really lucky to never have many issues with acne, a pimple here and there let me know when it was time to pick up some tampax and that was it.

My hair has always been an issue, in high school it was twice as thick as it is today and curly curly. Even when it thinned out in college (which was a total blessing) I still had more body than I knew what to do with. I still haven't mastered my curls and I don't think I ever will, mine are the out of control frizz loving several different sized curls you never want to see. I have, however, mastered the blow dryer and flat iron. There is a combination of blow-out/flat iron that looks fantastic on my big 'ol head.

Why am I bragging about how amazing I can look when I put some effort into it? Simple, I miss it. This is me while I was blow drying this morning, you can't even see all of the wonderful pimples:

There are about 5 pimples on the end of my nose that make me look like Rudolph, it's wonderful.

This is after I finished my hair, the same way I always do it only this time it's basically stuck to my head, flat as a board. (And an awkward length, I wanted it 2 inches shorter but that's neither here no there.)

I admit it's not horrible, I have makeup on covering most of my pimples but if I was planning on sharing this picture on facebook this is what it would look like:

The color would be adjusted a bit to remove the red that comes with taking a picture in the bathroom. My crows feet and under eye bags - gone. I even lightened my teeth to look whiter even though it's the bathroom light discoloring them (check out the "white" door behind me). No more pimples. If I knew how to pump up my hair in photoshop I would have done that too.

What's the point of all of this? I have no idea. Just an honest moment from me to you.

checked out

2011-07-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

I believe many of you know exactly what I mean, we are in PCS limbo and it's driving me nuts. I've pretty much checked out of this house, the problem with that is that I still have 3ish weeks here. Everything about this place makes me want to run and hide. Making dinner is miserable because the lack of counter space, I've done it for 2 years because it was just a fact of life but now...now I have a big kitchen just waiting for me. Really, it's sitting there with a big peninsula and real tile floors empty waiting for me to show up and get weelicious on it's ass.

Packing is a slowing moving thing, without a set in stone move date I don't feel the urgency. That and I'm afraid to pack something because "we might need it". So packing sucks and yea, I've checked out of that for now too.

Cleaning, I know that keeping up with the small stuff will make the big stuff much easier when it's time for the deep clean but ugh. This place is a mess, in my head I don't really live here anymore so why keep it guest ready? Don't worry, there aren't rats or mold everywhere, I keep it sanitary but that's pretty much it.

Maybe admitting my funk will put an end to it. Here is the new goal, I'm sharing it so I have some accountability, pack up all my clothes that I know I wont wear ~~because I'm too fat~~ thanks to the baby bump and the rest of the baby stuff from TC's room since she's been a toddler for 5 months now.

it sticks

2011-07-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

Since becoming a military spouse I've seen it all. I admit, it the beginning I sipped the Koolaid. I was a newlywed of a few weeks living alone in the same apartment as always, with the same job as always, with the same friends as always, only now I had a ring on my finger and reasons to run to the mailbox. For a brief moment I felt like I was a martyr and everyone should know the sacrifices I was making. I had a few t-shirts and an "army wife" sticker on my car. I did this knowing full well that once I left Rhode Island it would stop, in Rhode Island I was a pretty alone in being an active duty wife since there are no army posts close by. (Navy base in Newport but like any good Rhode Islander I didn't drive more than 15 minutes for anything so I was never down there.) To be honest I also thought it might help if I got pulled over for speeding or something (I'm just being honest). So here's what I had, a small army wife sticker over my break light and his unit sticker in the corner of the back window. Oh, there was also the army seal close to the license plate but that he been there since my cousin deployed.

A few times I got honks on the highway by others who had similar stickers, one time in particular it was someone from Doc's unit which I thought was special since it's such a select few and only make up a tiny fraction of the army.

From day one there were a few things that drove me nuts, being a military spouse is not the hardest job in the military and every time I see that I quietly judge that spouse and service member. My husband's rank is just that, my husband's. Granted, at that point he was an E3 so it's not like you go waiving that around but still.

As that year progressed and I learned more about being an army wife I stopped wearing the t-shirts and started taking down the graphics on my MySpace page (don't judge, it was 2005!). I started to realize I was getting lost in the shuffle. When people asked him about me he was proud to tell them I was working in marketing for major manufacturers (I went from the US's largest locket manufacturer to the worlds second largest toy manufacturer that year) but I didn't see him plopping a Hasbro logo on his page. When the time came for us to move to our first duty station together the stickers came off my car and were replaced my DOD Decals. Boom, army wife.

In my 6 years in this life I've seen it all. Cars with so many military related stickers that they can't possibly see out the back windshield to nothing at all. I even saw a car with those custom white letters that read "Sgt Major's Wife" across the rear window. How could he let that happen? And yes I say "let" because what we do is a reflection on our soldiers especially if we are drawing attention to said soldier. A few weeks ago I saw a car that took the cake. One one side said "army wife, the hardest job in the army" (barf) and on the other said "army wife, what's your super power?". Really? Super power? This life is no cake walk but give me a break, it doesn't take super powers. It takes a deep loving relationship and a level of selflessness. I think anyone is capable of it if they want to try.

I'm not saying "no stickers ever" but I think a one or two tasteful stickers that celebrate your husband is fine but I hate those that put the spouse on a pedestal. For the record, the back of my car is a bit of a road map of our journey. There is a badge from the dealership where we bought the car that clearly states Fayetteville, NC (Ft. Bragg). On the pained part of the trunk is a silver Red Sox "B" which also calls out where we originally came from (and also looks like it could have come on the car - I love it) and WA plates because that is were we are. And I do have a sticker! (gasp) It is small and in the top middle of the rear window, it's the symbol that was used to identify Doc's unit back in WWII. Just that, a shape with a number in it, if you don't know the unit then it would mean nothing to you. So that's it, I show pride for my husband in a quiet way, I don't ask for praise for loving him and I don't think doing so gives me any type of superpower.

I'm just a girl who loves a boy.

What are your thoughts? What do you have on your car and why?

Who's in my belly part 2

2011-07-18T13:00:00.000-07:00

This was fun last time so I had to do it again. We have our anatomy scan next Tuesday at 1:30 hopefully #2 will cooperate with us and let us know if we're having a boy or a girl.

Now I want to know, what do you think I'm having?

This poll will bring you to another page when you hit "vote now" but I have used this before and had no problems. I will be sharing the news of what we find out.

vindication, sort of

2011-07-16T22:38:00.000-07:00

Like I said, Doc has been acting like a d-bag lately and he knows it. In our session this week I brought up that I felt like he was treating me like a misbehaving employee he admitted it. He doesn't know he's doing it at the time but one he's done and has a chance to replay the conversations he sees exactly what he's done.

We can't be sure if it's the move stress or leaving here or just unrelated stress from the TBI, we just know that it's got to stop. The frustrating thing with episodes like this is since he doesn't see, in the moment, that what he's doing is hurtful he is going to have a hard time stopping it. But honestly it's not that big of a deal. I know that when this happens it's not really him. While it stings and is a major ego blow it's not the end of me. Believe me, I know how it sounds, I would roll my eyes if I was reading this too but this is life after TBI. Things can be going great for days, weeks, months and then out of nowhere it hits.

It is really hard for me, what I really need is for him to put his pride aside now and then. After his outbursts and he knows that he's hurt me he wants to apologize but he doesn't really know how. He said that he feels stupid putting himself out there like that, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around. I've always been emotional and I've always verbalized my emotions but Doc grew up with The Major (his grandfather) and the men in the family we not coddled. We're working on it. What's most important to me is that our kids feel comfortable with such vulnerable emotions. Doc is open and loving with TC now but who knows what's going to happen when TC has the ability to reject him. The real test will be if I'm carrying a boy, how will he treat a little boy?

I guess this is the mark of me really being a mother, putting my hurt feelings aside and worrying about how my kids will feel.

some days

2011-07-14T21:12:00.000-07:00

Today was a frustrating day. Doc's evil mood swings have been popping up around here. I am sure the stress of the move and this time we are in limbo isn't helping. That's all great but it doesn't give him the right to treat me like dirt.

He's been home a lot since he started outprocessing. He's been home and not very helpful. While I'm feeling much better I'm not 100%, I am still having trouble eating certain foods. If we're both home and I'm doing the majority of the parenting and packing (and laundry, feeding, etc) why is it on me to make dinner too? Especially when cooking makes me want to hurl and all I'm going to eat is a can of beans?

I told a friend today that sometimes he seems to be treating me like a bad employee. This isn't normal behavior at all. I know it's not really him but I still can't help but be hurt. I am just ready to get to our new home and start the next chapter.

This afternoon TC and I were able to run away to the Children's Museum in Tacoma with our BFFs. It's so nice to have someone to talk to who I can tell all of to and know that I'm not being judged. Someone who understands that life isn't always a fairy tail and admitting that isn't an admission of failure. Someone to talk to face to face who understands. I'm going to miss her! We have a date on Sunday without the girls, we're going to my favorite winery to stock up on my favorite muscato since they only sell it there. I'm going to chug it once I have this baby, kidding (maybe). I'm also excited because Doc plays xBox all day on Sundays and leaves me to take care of TC, looks like someone's plans are going to be interrupted. Petty and small of me, yes but in my head it's a little victory.

an honor

2011-07-13T20:26:00.000-07:00

I have been going back and forth about posting this because it might just blow Doc's cover but we're leaving this unit so if you figure it out whatever.

It's been crazy seeing Doc's friend all over the news, on the cover of papers everywhere you turn. But he deserves it, what Leroy Petry did deserves the Medal of Honor. If you don't the story the short story is that he, after being shot in both legs, picked up a live grenade and tried to throw it away from two of his men, saving his men but losing his hand. To read the entire story go here.

I first met Leroy at a ball in 2009, we sat with him and his wife. The sat right next to me so I got to talk to him a lot that night and he's a great guy. I've mentioned countless time that Doc is very selective with his friends so if he takes the time to be friends with someone he's got to be quality. When he did what he did he wasn't thinking about the repercussions, he said if he was he would have used his left hand!

That night I heard he was being put in for the MOH and I knew he would get it, just talking to him you can tell what a genuine guy his is and by talking to his Ranger brothers you can tell what a great soldier and leader he is. I also got to spend a lot of time with his wife that night and that woman deserves her own medal.

Once the MOH was official the circus started. Understandably, he's only the second active duty soldier to receive it for the current wars. A few weeks ago Doc ran into him and asked him how he was holding up with everything only to realize there was a camera crew following him! Crazy!

Yesterday I cried like a baby when watching the president put the medal around his neck. He did something unthinkable for many of us but for him he did it without thought. He exemplifies everything that a Ranger wants to be. I am proud that my husband can call him a friend.

packing sucks!

2011-07-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

I have all but one box packed of the first room, the office. I ran out of packing tape so now that I'm restocked I'll finish that up tomorrow. Doc asked why I didn't just use his 100 MPH tape (or is it 50MPH?) but I hate fighting with those rolls. But really it's prefect, I am sure there is at least on box closed up with that stuff on every DITY move. I also packed up all the picture frames from the walls and shelves. I hate taking pictures down, even though we've never owned a single place where we've lived we've made special memories in each of these places. This place the most, we became parents here.

I am excited for the new place, every time I try to find counter space to make dinner I think about all the counter space just waiting for me at the new place. After looking at the website I think we are being given senior NCO housing but they know Doc's rank so I'm not concerned.

I'm trying to figure out which room to pack next, I feel like I can't pack anything because we might need it. I think I'll purge the bathroom, am I the only one who hangs on to old product because "I spent $18.97 on that shampoo"? Like a few years in the closet is going to make an overpriced crappy product suddenly make my hair look like Jennifer Aniston's. No more! Some of this stuff has made the trip from Rhode Island to North Carolina to Washington and I am NOT bringing it to Arizona. And I'm sure at some point this stuff turns to dust.

Maybe I will pack up all the baby stuff my toddler doesn't need anymore (sad). Of speaking of which, am I crazy for wanting to buy #2 a new crib? I can almost fit 4 fingers through the slats on TC's crib and on at least 3 occasions she's gotten her big 'ol leg really suck in there. Even with the breathable bumpers, she pushes them down. The new cribs seem to have more narrow slat spacing. That and I don't know about rushing TC out of her crib and into a big girl bed. And for her big girl bed, should we skip the twin and just get her a full size bed? Ugh, how about she's stays this size forever.

I guess that was sort of packing related, setting up a new room for her has me thinking these things.

As for tomorrow, watch out 4 year old frizz fighting shampoo made from nut oil or whatever the trend was in 2006 I'm coming for you!

pregnancy update

2011-07-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

I feel the need for a pallet cleanser after my last post. I haven't done any of these so why not start now?

How far along - 16 weeks 2 days

Maternity clothes - pants and shorts yes, skirts and dresses I can still wearing my old stuff. I can still wear a bunch of my old tops but the smalls are not looking good!

Stretch marks - nothing new

Belly button - mine just kind of stretches out, it was still a little wonky from TC so that's how it still is. In a few months I wont have one at all.

Sleep - I wish I could get more, at night when I'm tired I can never fall asleep and TC wakes up way too early

Best moment this week - nothing big, I fell so it was good to know after a same day appointment everything was good

Foods I'm loving - anything dessert like, I think I could live off of ice cream (which is why I don't keep it in the house)

Foods I'm hating - still hate meat, I made pork chops and sterak the past few nights and almost barfed when serving them

Movement - flutters here and there but who know it could be gas

Symptoms - nauseous

Gender - no idea, I am thinking boy. I have a 50/50 shot of being right

What I'm looking forward to - nothing really, I have an appointment next week and after that I can set the 20 week ultrasound

What I miss - drinking, think what you want I want a stiff drink. Being able to eat what I like and working out regularly (I just don't feel up to it). I miss how skinny I was getting too.

Emotions - I'm all over the place but I think it's to be expected with the PCS and all the other drama going on.

Want to see how fat I am?

Yes the one I posted on twitter I looked bigger but this is me sucking in the bloat I have left.

the more the merrier?

2011-07-11T17:20:00.000-07:00

Last year Doc and I talked about having his dad come and live with us for a while. At the time it was contingent on him finishing the inpatient rehab he was attending. Well he didn't so the conversation what over.

Last week Doc decided that we should have him come out to Washington and help us move to AZ and then stay. (Yes in the next few weeks.) I understand where he's coming from, I really do. His dad isn't going to clean up his act in his current situation. He needs to make a clean start. For those who haven't been around his dad is a drinker and drug abuser, prescription pills I believe. He's have several DUIs but when he's clean he's a great guy. I think my issue is pretty clear. I just feel like no matter what I lose in this situation.

Yes, obviously I want him to get clean once and for all. I would love for my kids to have a grandfather, one that isn't going to flake out but at the same time so much has changed since last we talked about this. Most obviously is the addition of a brand new baby, I am not even excited for him to be there to watch TC when I have the baby but someone has to be. I think family bonding time is really important when a newborn comes home. I love freely breastfeeding and napping and working out and whatever else I want to do when I want to do it. Doc asked why don't I just cover up to BF, I hate doing that in public I refuse to do it in my own home.

I feel like we will need this time to be sure TC knows that she is still 100% loved and cherished. And lets face it, recovering from giving birth isn't pretty. I know Doc's father would do his best to not get in the way of all of this but is that really fair to anyone? The whole point to having him live with us is for him to be an active part of a family.

There are so many other questions too, he is on disability because he was thrown from a roof while working, would he be able to get that out of state? Massachusetts is pretty liberal with it's programs and Arizona isn't known to be liberal at all, will they have things like the out patient volunteer place he goes daily back home? How is he going to get around? I'm not sure what the state of his license is at this point and I know I am not committing to driving him all over creation. And then there is the major question, what if he relapses? Doc says he would be out f that happens but it's not really an issue of if but how. Would it be around our kids? Would he hurt someone? I know a few google searches would answer a few of these questions but this it Doc's deal and he hasn't even looked.

Of course there are the other issues like getting him cleared to live on post, who knows with the record he's put together. The the other big thing is he would have to quit smoking, not cut back or just smoke outside. Both Doc and I are anti smoking and don't want even third hand smoke in our home.

Where do I really stand on this? I would be willing to give it a try, it's not forever. If he needs this to finally get his life together then how can I deny that? But at the same time I wish I wasn't in this situation...

our new home

2011-07-07T12:28:00.000-07:00

I just got these pictures from the housing office and I have to say, I LOVE it!

Curb view

2 car garage

Living room (next 3)

Kitchen

Hall & hall bath

Kid's room (only got a photo of one but there are 2)

Master

Back patio and yard

Now I am really excited for the move, I really thought we were going to get one of the horrible houses I saw on the website but nope, we got a super nice one that was "no info available". I'm given my landlord a move out date of 15 Aug so hopefully it is smooth sailing.

I might be back with a real post later, we're talking about having FIL come stay with us for a while...