Well that flew by! We knew it would but damn...he went back to work today after 2 weeks of leave, we had a great time. I think I will know his deployment date tonight (don't get too excited, I wont be posting that on line!) I am indifferent about finding out, odds are that it will change at least once and once I know for sure it will stop being about spending time with him it will be about "only 4 days 7 hours and 43 minutes left" and that is not fun. Earlier in the year he was on 3 hour recall where he could have been called to go out with a 3 hour notice, it scared the crap out of me then - it wasn't his time to go and I wasn't ready but right now it's not sounding too bad.
I know I could tell him to just not tell me but I am not they kind of person who can't know that he knows and not know for myself (follow that?). I am trying to be as calm as possible, I don't want to stress him out at all and I think I am doing a pretty good job. I haven't been crying (over this at least) and I have managed to keep my questions to a minimum - he really doesn't have any answers anyway, it's his first time too. I keep hearing about what other units do and I really have nothing to go by because everything is so different. I do know that it wont me a big drawn out good bye which is good, I will drop him off and go on my merry way - God please let me hold in the tears until I turn the corner!
There is a song by Alter Bridge called "Watch Over You" and it's on all the time and every time it makes me very sad, listening to DH sing along - he's not mushy at all so that is his way of telling me that he is concerned about me:
Who is gonna save you
When I'm gone?
Who'll watch over you?
Who will give you strength
When you're not strong?
Who'll watch over you
When I've gone away?"
He knows that I will be OK while he's gone, he knows that I am not going to just lose it but he still worries. I rely on him for more than I probably should, he is the only person I want next to me always. Yes, I have friends and my own life but my life with him is so much better.
He'll go off to war and I will stay home, I will go to work every day. I will walk the dog. I will entertain guests. I will watch our favorite baseball team. I will do the shopping. I will do the cleaning. I will do the cooking. I will talk to his family. I will assure everyone I am OK. I will wear a smile, sometimes genuine and sometimes fake. I will hold it together on the out side as best I can. I will have good days. I will have bad days. And when all is said and done, I will welcome him home and in the back of my mind I will be counting down until the next one...
24 March 2008
20 March 2008
I Just Can't keep My Mouth Shut
The news yesterday made me physically ill. If I wasn't politically confused yesterday I surly am today. I try not to talk politics in my daily life, it just better left unsaid but I need an outlet and that is why I started this blog. In my life I have only once voted for a republican candidate and that was for Sheriff of my home county, other than that I have pretty much been a democratic ticket voter - not because they were democrats and I come from a historically liberal state but because those are the people I saw best for the job at hand. I voted against Bush twice and I have NEVER agreed for the reasons give for this war.
5 years ago yesterday I was sitting in my college dorm room watching as we invaded Iraq for the second time in my life. I was so very scared, my brother was a Marine at that point and my "little" cousin was in the Army. I feared the going to war, no one wants to send the people they love into danger. At this point I was finishing up my degree, I had a boyfriend with a safe job doing IT I was going to stay in my home state forever. Never in a million years would I have believed that one day the man I married would be strapping up and shipping out.
Like I said, I never agreed with our reasons for going to war, I never agreed with going against the UN, I never agreed with Bush USING September 11th to try to get people behind him. Do I think that Al Quida was in Iraq, yes I do but there are ways that we should go about things. All we heard about was weapons of mass destruction - knowing full well that Bush just wanted to finish off what his father started.
It isn't like Iraq was Disney Land before we got there either, the people were living under great oppression, women were treated no better than dogs, child rape was the norm - we should turn our backs on this? This is where I am torn, who says that our way of life is the best? Are we the "World Police" or the "World Bullies"?
All of this brings us back to yesterday. Well not even yesterday, we were told by our FRG a few weeks ago that we had to stay away from certain parts of town on Saturday. Major shopping areas were off limits to us because the anti-war protesters would be there causing trouble. They were said to be filming everything in hopes of getting a soldier reacting to their taunts. In our own country, those who are willing PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO PROTECT THE RIGHT TO PROTEST are not allowed to go to certain public areas. Am I the only one who sees the irony in this?
What really gets me is that all the people on the news last night were CLUELESS about what is going on over there. We all are, you can't watch the news because they each have their own agenda. This was very evident in yesterday's Yahoo sideshow - the one person they showed protesting for the soldiers and what they are doing over there was called "Pro-War" and she was some crazy looking lady screaming - out of 500 pictures that was it. They also had a picture of a random soldier and the caption said that war causes mental disorders and families to break up - well the mental side affects wouldn't be so bad if the soldiers were given the proper treatment upon return (which would take, gasp, more tax payers money) and families break up everyday, not just in the military.
Wow, that was quite the tangent...anyway, these protesters go out there talking about things they know nothing about, they want total troop withdrawal? Why don't you ask us? Then people who sacrifice our family for months, years, and sometimes for life for the good of Iraq? Why don't you ask us what we think? Want to know why? Because we are not allowed to go to the protests! We have to sit back and take it. Do they really know what would happen if everyone packed up and called it a day? We would leave a broken country open and vulnerable for another tyrant to come in and take control and maybe this time he would go after us on our soil. Is that what it will take for theses people to see? Why don't they ask the soldiers who have been there what they think? Ask them how many great changes they have seen in their time over there?
I am just very sad. Sad that people are so up in arms about something they know nothing about. That people will protest a war with violence. Sad that we as military dependents are not given the chance to really have our say. Sad that my husband is going to go over there and do great things for people he has never met and he doesn't have the support from his own country.
5 years ago yesterday I was sitting in my college dorm room watching as we invaded Iraq for the second time in my life. I was so very scared, my brother was a Marine at that point and my "little" cousin was in the Army. I feared the going to war, no one wants to send the people they love into danger. At this point I was finishing up my degree, I had a boyfriend with a safe job doing IT I was going to stay in my home state forever. Never in a million years would I have believed that one day the man I married would be strapping up and shipping out.
Like I said, I never agreed with our reasons for going to war, I never agreed with going against the UN, I never agreed with Bush USING September 11th to try to get people behind him. Do I think that Al Quida was in Iraq, yes I do but there are ways that we should go about things. All we heard about was weapons of mass destruction - knowing full well that Bush just wanted to finish off what his father started.
It isn't like Iraq was Disney Land before we got there either, the people were living under great oppression, women were treated no better than dogs, child rape was the norm - we should turn our backs on this? This is where I am torn, who says that our way of life is the best? Are we the "World Police" or the "World Bullies"?
All of this brings us back to yesterday. Well not even yesterday, we were told by our FRG a few weeks ago that we had to stay away from certain parts of town on Saturday. Major shopping areas were off limits to us because the anti-war protesters would be there causing trouble. They were said to be filming everything in hopes of getting a soldier reacting to their taunts. In our own country, those who are willing PUT THEIR LIVES ON THE LINE TO PROTECT THE RIGHT TO PROTEST are not allowed to go to certain public areas. Am I the only one who sees the irony in this?
What really gets me is that all the people on the news last night were CLUELESS about what is going on over there. We all are, you can't watch the news because they each have their own agenda. This was very evident in yesterday's Yahoo sideshow - the one person they showed protesting for the soldiers and what they are doing over there was called "Pro-War" and she was some crazy looking lady screaming - out of 500 pictures that was it. They also had a picture of a random soldier and the caption said that war causes mental disorders and families to break up - well the mental side affects wouldn't be so bad if the soldiers were given the proper treatment upon return (which would take, gasp, more tax payers money) and families break up everyday, not just in the military.
Wow, that was quite the tangent...anyway, these protesters go out there talking about things they know nothing about, they want total troop withdrawal? Why don't you ask us? Then people who sacrifice our family for months, years, and sometimes for life for the good of Iraq? Why don't you ask us what we think? Want to know why? Because we are not allowed to go to the protests! We have to sit back and take it. Do they really know what would happen if everyone packed up and called it a day? We would leave a broken country open and vulnerable for another tyrant to come in and take control and maybe this time he would go after us on our soil. Is that what it will take for theses people to see? Why don't they ask the soldiers who have been there what they think? Ask them how many great changes they have seen in their time over there?
I am just very sad. Sad that people are so up in arms about something they know nothing about. That people will protest a war with violence. Sad that we as military dependents are not given the chance to really have our say. Sad that my husband is going to go over there and do great things for people he has never met and he doesn't have the support from his own country.
18 March 2008
Just a typical day for us....
Today has been an adventure to say the least! I took today off in anticipation of a March 18th hangover, well that never happened because DH was sick yesterday, but that’s OK - we aren’t Irish!
I brought my cat to the vet to see if there is a physical reason why she is being a disgusting pig and peeing on the carpet, the people at the vet can’t say I didn’t warn them! She does not do well at the vet. With me she is the sweetest cat you could ask for, she sleeps on my chest right before I fall asleep and then she snuggles with me in the AM but at the vet...well I am pretty sure she’s half Calico house cat and half satanic spawn!
The vet called me telling me that they were unable to get her out of the kennel, she would run to the back and then attack if they tried to put their hands in. Th Dr wanted to give her a shot to sedate her, of course I was mortified, my child does not act like that at home! So add another $20 to her vet bill, why not? Then I get another call from that vet saying that they got the urine sample without the sedation - she came out of the kennel and proceeded to pee and crap everywhere, I know you all wish she was your cat. I didn’t know I could be more embarrassed that I already was but that did it!
The good news is that she wouldn’t stay still for the Dr to do the regular exam so I wasn’t charged for it! haha, If something is wrong with the sample we will work from there. So I went to pick her up, the assistant entered my last name in the computer and said "Oh that cat" hahaha So she goes in the back to pick her up and I hear screaming...cat screaming. When I am handed her carrier I picked it up to talk to her and she yelled so loud that everyone in the front half of PetSmart turned to who was torturing a cat. But now we are back home and she is fine - I will know about her tests in a few days (they wanted $100 bucks to do it in house!)
Other little tid-bits from today, I went to get our taxes done on post and I am sitting there filling out the paper work and realize that I never printed out DH's W2! R-Tard. I have the 2 from our 2 moves but that was it so it looks like I am heading back there.
We think one of the furniture delivery guys jacked DH's ID because it’s gone, it was here when the got here and gone when they were, nice right? So DH goes to the MP’s office to file the report and is told he needs some report from his commanding officer or he needs to bring an E5 with him...so my husband can put a chest tube in someone but he isn’t responsible enough to file a report? So we go find an E5 on Rear-D for this leave and bring him down there - he showed the MP his ID and that was it! They owe me $3 in gas...So then we head over to the ID Office and the lady tells him that unless he is on a shaving profile he needs to shave. Not thinking on his feet he left - he’s a medic, he could have just put himself on profile! Anyway - we head over to the PX and homeboy buys cheap razors and a $1 can of shaving foam and shaves in the PX bathroom! YUCK! He is a guy who needs a super duper electric razor for his sensitive skin so when he came out he was all red and had about 87 cuts on his neck but whatever, he can get his ID. He comes out with it and the picture is so jacked up you can’t even tell that he shaved! Grrrrrr
So now we are home, the cat is somewhere, probably peeing and the rest of us are finally relaxing!
I brought my cat to the vet to see if there is a physical reason why she is being a disgusting pig and peeing on the carpet, the people at the vet can’t say I didn’t warn them! She does not do well at the vet. With me she is the sweetest cat you could ask for, she sleeps on my chest right before I fall asleep and then she snuggles with me in the AM but at the vet...well I am pretty sure she’s half Calico house cat and half satanic spawn!
The vet called me telling me that they were unable to get her out of the kennel, she would run to the back and then attack if they tried to put their hands in. Th Dr wanted to give her a shot to sedate her, of course I was mortified, my child does not act like that at home! So add another $20 to her vet bill, why not? Then I get another call from that vet saying that they got the urine sample without the sedation - she came out of the kennel and proceeded to pee and crap everywhere, I know you all wish she was your cat. I didn’t know I could be more embarrassed that I already was but that did it!
The good news is that she wouldn’t stay still for the Dr to do the regular exam so I wasn’t charged for it! haha, If something is wrong with the sample we will work from there. So I went to pick her up, the assistant entered my last name in the computer and said "Oh that cat" hahaha So she goes in the back to pick her up and I hear screaming...cat screaming. When I am handed her carrier I picked it up to talk to her and she yelled so loud that everyone in the front half of PetSmart turned to who was torturing a cat. But now we are back home and she is fine - I will know about her tests in a few days (they wanted $100 bucks to do it in house!)
Other little tid-bits from today, I went to get our taxes done on post and I am sitting there filling out the paper work and realize that I never printed out DH's W2! R-Tard. I have the 2 from our 2 moves but that was it so it looks like I am heading back there.
We think one of the furniture delivery guys jacked DH's ID because it’s gone, it was here when the got here and gone when they were, nice right? So DH goes to the MP’s office to file the report and is told he needs some report from his commanding officer or he needs to bring an E5 with him...so my husband can put a chest tube in someone but he isn’t responsible enough to file a report? So we go find an E5 on Rear-D for this leave and bring him down there - he showed the MP his ID and that was it! They owe me $3 in gas...So then we head over to the ID Office and the lady tells him that unless he is on a shaving profile he needs to shave. Not thinking on his feet he left - he’s a medic, he could have just put himself on profile! Anyway - we head over to the PX and homeboy buys cheap razors and a $1 can of shaving foam and shaves in the PX bathroom! YUCK! He is a guy who needs a super duper electric razor for his sensitive skin so when he came out he was all red and had about 87 cuts on his neck but whatever, he can get his ID. He comes out with it and the picture is so jacked up you can’t even tell that he shaved! Grrrrrr
So now we are home, the cat is somewhere, probably peeing and the rest of us are finally relaxing!
17 March 2008
Back to work
Wow, a 3 day weekend was exactly what I needed! I love being with my husband! We didn't really do much but that is what I love. I am happy that we are just living our day to day life as we would if he wasn't heading off to a war zone because the important thing to remember that he will be back. God willing, we have the rest of our lives to go on adventures. If we were trying to pack the next 6 months that we will be apart into these few weeks of leave it would feel like his funeral or something.
One thing that I have decided to do differently though is to not worry about my diet! I have been eating like a pig :) Brownie sundaes 3 nights in a row...Mongolian grill, Jersey Mikes - I am enjoying my time with DH and I will worry about shedding the few extra pounds while he is gone. When we are together we have fun, we don't have to worry about anything we can just BE! And we did some "couple" type things too - we went to Ikea to look for a couch...I think they design for dwarfs! There was some cute stuff there but our backs are in bad shape, getting up and down from a miniature couch would not be good. There were some adorable ideas for babies rooms - it made me sad, had we not miscarried we would know we were pregnant by now and we would start to get excited. Anyway, I try not to let my mind go there.
After leaving Ikea empty handed we went across the street to a more "mainstream" furniture store. The plan was to go in and get ideas about what DH likes so I could pick something out while he was gone...that is always the plan! We went in and found an awesome sectional that seemed so perfect for us that we had to have it! It arrived yesterday and it is a wee bit bigger than we thought (I measured I promise!) but we are OK with that because we don't plan on being apartment dwellers forever! and it is nice to have a place where all four us us can sit in peace (yes all four, dog and cat.)
We didn't get the ottoman of 70's style "snuggler" chair, I love the couch! The only bummer is that the chase is in front of the slider, we can still use it but it's kind of blocked off. I am still deciding how I feel about that, it does create a bit of privacy that we didn't have being in the ground floor. After I pay this off next month I am going to get our dining room set, I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! I have wanted a nice set forever! DH thinks we should wait until we get our of the army and go home before we get all this stuff since it has to move 3000 miles I like getting it now so when we do go home all we have to do is move in, we wont have to worry about buying a house and furnishing it all at once. Here is the dining set - we the center leaf hides away but it will still fit 6 chairs (which is what we will get)
This pic has the bench which I am debating on getting in lieu of 2 chairs, it is just so flippen cute! But I am trying to put functionality ahead of cuteness...Anyway, I hope to have that in my home this summer. I am so proud of myself for not charging it all!
So far we have made a few major purchases together, the first was the iMac - pretty spendy for a computer then we bought my car brand new and then his car used - some serious purchases but this one made me giddy. This was something for our HOME, the home that he and I share together. NO more cheap hand me down newlywed stuff, soon that old $100 Wal-mart table will be history - I'm a grown up!
One thing that I have decided to do differently though is to not worry about my diet! I have been eating like a pig :) Brownie sundaes 3 nights in a row...Mongolian grill, Jersey Mikes - I am enjoying my time with DH and I will worry about shedding the few extra pounds while he is gone. When we are together we have fun, we don't have to worry about anything we can just BE! And we did some "couple" type things too - we went to Ikea to look for a couch...I think they design for dwarfs! There was some cute stuff there but our backs are in bad shape, getting up and down from a miniature couch would not be good. There were some adorable ideas for babies rooms - it made me sad, had we not miscarried we would know we were pregnant by now and we would start to get excited. Anyway, I try not to let my mind go there.
After leaving Ikea empty handed we went across the street to a more "mainstream" furniture store. The plan was to go in and get ideas about what DH likes so I could pick something out while he was gone...that is always the plan! We went in and found an awesome sectional that seemed so perfect for us that we had to have it! It arrived yesterday and it is a wee bit bigger than we thought (I measured I promise!) but we are OK with that because we don't plan on being apartment dwellers forever! and it is nice to have a place where all four us us can sit in peace (yes all four, dog and cat.)
We didn't get the ottoman of 70's style "snuggler" chair, I love the couch! The only bummer is that the chase is in front of the slider, we can still use it but it's kind of blocked off. I am still deciding how I feel about that, it does create a bit of privacy that we didn't have being in the ground floor. After I pay this off next month I am going to get our dining room set, I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT! I have wanted a nice set forever! DH thinks we should wait until we get our of the army and go home before we get all this stuff since it has to move 3000 miles I like getting it now so when we do go home all we have to do is move in, we wont have to worry about buying a house and furnishing it all at once. Here is the dining set - we the center leaf hides away but it will still fit 6 chairs (which is what we will get)
This pic has the bench which I am debating on getting in lieu of 2 chairs, it is just so flippen cute! But I am trying to put functionality ahead of cuteness...Anyway, I hope to have that in my home this summer. I am so proud of myself for not charging it all!
So far we have made a few major purchases together, the first was the iMac - pretty spendy for a computer then we bought my car brand new and then his car used - some serious purchases but this one made me giddy. This was something for our HOME, the home that he and I share together. NO more cheap hand me down newlywed stuff, soon that old $100 Wal-mart table will be history - I'm a grown up!
16 March 2008
Who am I?
Now that is a loaded question don't you think? I wonder that everyday. I wear so many hats that sometimes I feel like I get lost under them.
I am a woman. I have been created by God and he has given me this one body so while my hips may be a bit wider that I would like and my legs are an awkward length requiring me to alter every pair of pants I own I am in His eyes perfect.
I am a wife. It seems that this one is the most wonderful and most confusing hat I wear. I love my husband with all that I have and I give him all that I have to give but due to his occupation many times I feel lost.
I am a daughter. I know my parents love me I can feel it everyday I just wish I had something more tangible. My father died of cancer some years ago and my mother is an alcoholic drinking herself into her own early grave. I struggle with both of these things because it doesn't seem fair but it is what is it.
I am a sister. From 3000 miles away. My giant family of siblings is amazing, blood no blood our relation is deep than blood, it is in the eyes of God. Although we are all married now I know the 6 of us will always think of each other when we think of family. I can not wait to be back home with them.
I am a friend. My true friends had tears in their eyes when I moved away, they supported me when I was at rock bottom. My best friend set our petty fight aside to be with me after my father died. I know it was hard for her to do, she had walked out when I needed her most but when she walked back in is when I realized that we would be bonded for life.
I am a mother. Currently it is to just my dog and my cat but I love them and worry about them with all that I have. I am excited about the day that we bring a child into this world but until God grants us that wish I will go on loving my critters!
I am a worker. A marketer actually even though I am often treated like "just an admin". Moving around and changing jobs is hell on an army wife's career. I would follow my husband to the end of the earth but mostly I wish I didn't have to. I long for the day that my true potential is realized.
I am a blogger. Who really doesn't care that I don't have many readers, when all is said and done and DH is back in my arms FOR GOOD I will be able to look back on these posts and say, "That's right, I did that"
I am a woman. I have been created by God and he has given me this one body so while my hips may be a bit wider that I would like and my legs are an awkward length requiring me to alter every pair of pants I own I am in His eyes perfect.
I am a wife. It seems that this one is the most wonderful and most confusing hat I wear. I love my husband with all that I have and I give him all that I have to give but due to his occupation many times I feel lost.
I am a daughter. I know my parents love me I can feel it everyday I just wish I had something more tangible. My father died of cancer some years ago and my mother is an alcoholic drinking herself into her own early grave. I struggle with both of these things because it doesn't seem fair but it is what is it.
I am a sister. From 3000 miles away. My giant family of siblings is amazing, blood no blood our relation is deep than blood, it is in the eyes of God. Although we are all married now I know the 6 of us will always think of each other when we think of family. I can not wait to be back home with them.
I am a friend. My true friends had tears in their eyes when I moved away, they supported me when I was at rock bottom. My best friend set our petty fight aside to be with me after my father died. I know it was hard for her to do, she had walked out when I needed her most but when she walked back in is when I realized that we would be bonded for life.
I am a mother. Currently it is to just my dog and my cat but I love them and worry about them with all that I have. I am excited about the day that we bring a child into this world but until God grants us that wish I will go on loving my critters!
I am a worker. A marketer actually even though I am often treated like "just an admin". Moving around and changing jobs is hell on an army wife's career. I would follow my husband to the end of the earth but mostly I wish I didn't have to. I long for the day that my true potential is realized.
I am a blogger. Who really doesn't care that I don't have many readers, when all is said and done and DH is back in my arms FOR GOOD I will be able to look back on these posts and say, "That's right, I did that"
13 March 2008
Impromptu Date Night!
Last night was a great night, mostly because I wasn't expecting it. I got home from work and DH and I decided to go out for pizza, I usually make it at home or we get take out but we thought it would be fun to get out of the house for a change. There is a great little pizza place in the "down town" area (I say it like that because we live in an old agricultural town, it is now booming and expanding but the "Old" down town is still quaint) so we went there. We ordered a pitcher of beer and a large pizza, we sat and chatted as DH watched our hometown basketball team kill the team from where we are stationed. After dinner we went to a local cupcake bakery and got a few cupcakes. I tried to talk DH out of it, for $4 I could have made a whole tray of cupcakes but he wanted to go - it was sweet so I couldn't say no. $6 and 2 cupcakes later we headed home.
After a little while DH said that he was going down to the hot tub in the apartment club house, this floored me, he NEVER wants to go there! That was kind of a bust, there was some random emo teenager soaking her feet in there when we got there, assuming she would leave we got in...nope! That is the thing about the apathetic teenagers - they just don't care! So after about 10 minutes she finally left and not a moment too soon because DH was just itching to make a foam beard with the suds! Haha, he's too funny but it worked quite well, stuck right to his 5 day stubble.
He has this habit of telling me that he was going to do something nice but then being to lazy to follow through, last night he said that he thought about picking up flowers and having dinner all ready for me when I came home from work but he just didn't feel like it - nice huh? Oh well, this was better, more my style!
After a little while DH said that he was going down to the hot tub in the apartment club house, this floored me, he NEVER wants to go there! That was kind of a bust, there was some random emo teenager soaking her feet in there when we got there, assuming she would leave we got in...nope! That is the thing about the apathetic teenagers - they just don't care! So after about 10 minutes she finally left and not a moment too soon because DH was just itching to make a foam beard with the suds! Haha, he's too funny but it worked quite well, stuck right to his 5 day stubble.
He has this habit of telling me that he was going to do something nice but then being to lazy to follow through, last night he said that he thought about picking up flowers and having dinner all ready for me when I came home from work but he just didn't feel like it - nice huh? Oh well, this was better, more my style!
10 March 2008
What a weekend!
Oh man, it is so great to have my husband back! I think that short separation was just what the doctor ordered. With an impending deployment our emotions have been multiplied by 100 and being on edge like that isn't good for anyone.
He came home around 1:30AM Sat. morning...and I managed to stay up! (Thank you Sex and the City DVDs) His training was really helpful for him which is great, he was worried that he would have to go to the other side of the country and not learn anything. The hard thing for him is dealing with the people around him. He is a team player and that is all he asks of the people around him but unfortunately there are people who refuse to be. There is one person he trained with that makes me nervous, he is brand new and it doesn't seem like he is ready for all that will be asked of him when he gets to Iraq, those people are dangerous. But, who knows, he may surprise everyone when push comes to shove.
OK enough about his work stuff! My last blog was super whinny and I hate being like that - blah! But I think, given all that has been going on, I get a pass. My mother called me on Friday - not to see how I am but to tell me about the snow that they got. Had she asked I would have told her about the miscarriage but there really was no way to bring it into the conversation - "Oh all your daffodils are dead, well I lost a baby..." Just doesn't work.
So the next few weeks are going to be great, we are going to make the most of them - I just hope the weather cooperates with me! My boss has already give me the OK to be creative with my hours, I want to maintain 40 for both weeks so it will be a lot of working through lunch and taking work home. DH and I are living in a fantastic place as far as finding things to do and since we got here he's been to busy to do them. I am anticipating a few day trips here and there. We really wanted to go home but it just wasn't in the cards for this leave.
On a different note, no matter how many times I rinse out the container my first batch of Crystal Light in it always tastes like dishwasher soap - BLAH!
He came home around 1:30AM Sat. morning...and I managed to stay up! (Thank you Sex and the City DVDs) His training was really helpful for him which is great, he was worried that he would have to go to the other side of the country and not learn anything. The hard thing for him is dealing with the people around him. He is a team player and that is all he asks of the people around him but unfortunately there are people who refuse to be. There is one person he trained with that makes me nervous, he is brand new and it doesn't seem like he is ready for all that will be asked of him when he gets to Iraq, those people are dangerous. But, who knows, he may surprise everyone when push comes to shove.
OK enough about his work stuff! My last blog was super whinny and I hate being like that - blah! But I think, given all that has been going on, I get a pass. My mother called me on Friday - not to see how I am but to tell me about the snow that they got. Had she asked I would have told her about the miscarriage but there really was no way to bring it into the conversation - "Oh all your daffodils are dead, well I lost a baby..." Just doesn't work.
So the next few weeks are going to be great, we are going to make the most of them - I just hope the weather cooperates with me! My boss has already give me the OK to be creative with my hours, I want to maintain 40 for both weeks so it will be a lot of working through lunch and taking work home. DH and I are living in a fantastic place as far as finding things to do and since we got here he's been to busy to do them. I am anticipating a few day trips here and there. We really wanted to go home but it just wasn't in the cards for this leave.
On a different note, no matter how many times I rinse out the container my first batch of Crystal Light in it always tastes like dishwasher soap - BLAH!
04 March 2008
A Whole Lotta Nothing!
Is it Friday yet? I get my husband back on Friday and I can't wait! Although, I have to admit that the past few nights of a quiet house have been quite nice I have the feeling that it wont be the case tonight. I have come to grips with the miscarriage and now I am in the process of decided who I tell. I told one coworker, someone needed to know in case I keel over or something and I have told a few in-law people but I don't think I want to tell my family.
What do I do, call up the people who haven't bothered to pick up the phone for the past few months and say - "Oh, by the way we had a miscarriage"? It's more than just a passing thought and if my family cared enough to call they would know. Oh and I know that the phone works both ways - I am just sick of being the one to dial. I hear all the time how sorry they are that DH is deploying soon or how they don't know how I cope...the only reason they don't know is because they don't care enough to ask!
I don't want to be coddled or felt sorry for I would just like to know that my family cares about what is going on in my life. Oh well...I guess I will just see them when we get out of the army...you know the flight out here is just too much for anyone to take. That's fine, I have already stretched my budget twice to go home and I am not about to do it again.
Wow, I am angry today! I'm really not - it's just the thought of my family really gets me. Everyone tells you that you have their support, they throw a yellow ribbon on their car (which is really for my brother the former Marine) and you are good to go. I would love to see one of them deal with the things that I deal with and keep their sanity...they sit there and talk about how hard everything is but you know what - you have each other so quit your b#%*hing! Really, I'm done, I promise!
So Friday...he comes home on Friday, then he has a few weeks off (I have decided not to call it pre-deployment leave because I don't like the "D" word). I am hoping that I will be able to work from home a lot so we can spend as much time together as possible. I am also praying that the weather holds up because there are a lot of out-doorsy things I want to do...When he comes back in the fall it will be just in time for the rainy season and we will be stuck indoors again!
I am really going to miss this man...
What do I do, call up the people who haven't bothered to pick up the phone for the past few months and say - "Oh, by the way we had a miscarriage"? It's more than just a passing thought and if my family cared enough to call they would know. Oh and I know that the phone works both ways - I am just sick of being the one to dial. I hear all the time how sorry they are that DH is deploying soon or how they don't know how I cope...the only reason they don't know is because they don't care enough to ask!
I don't want to be coddled or felt sorry for I would just like to know that my family cares about what is going on in my life. Oh well...I guess I will just see them when we get out of the army...you know the flight out here is just too much for anyone to take. That's fine, I have already stretched my budget twice to go home and I am not about to do it again.
Wow, I am angry today! I'm really not - it's just the thought of my family really gets me. Everyone tells you that you have their support, they throw a yellow ribbon on their car (which is really for my brother the former Marine) and you are good to go. I would love to see one of them deal with the things that I deal with and keep their sanity...they sit there and talk about how hard everything is but you know what - you have each other so quit your b#%*hing! Really, I'm done, I promise!
So Friday...he comes home on Friday, then he has a few weeks off (I have decided not to call it pre-deployment leave because I don't like the "D" word). I am hoping that I will be able to work from home a lot so we can spend as much time together as possible. I am also praying that the weather holds up because there are a lot of out-doorsy things I want to do...When he comes back in the fall it will be just in time for the rainy season and we will be stuck indoors again!
I am really going to miss this man...
02 March 2008
How do you lose something you didn't know you had?
Well, after I posted my last blog I agreed to go to my friend's house and give up a night home with DH, my friend was touched but decided she needed to cancel anyway. Thank God, I was in no mood to be around new people on Friday. I came home from work and went right to bed and took a hour long nap.
Friday was the day that I realized what has really been going on with me, health-wise. I am 97% sure that I suffered a miscarriage on Monday. I didn't even know I was pregnant. There was a short window of time where I knew pregnancy was possible but I took a pregnancy test afterward and it was negative so I thought I was good to go and live my life. I am on birth control so I continued taking that, continued having a cocktail here and there and I thought nothing of it. Now I have to face the fact that I may have killed my baby. Not that I killed my baby but there was a baby and now there's not and I am the only one who could affect it.
It wasn't the best time for us to have a baby, DH is getting ready to leave VERY soon and he would have missed the everything...that doesn't make it any easier. I have, in the past, mourned people that I never met but this is something different, it feels like there is a hole in my life now - there should have been a baby here in 7 months. Everyone says that God has a plan and I agree with that but why would I be given the gift of motherhood only to have it ripped away from me before I even knew it? What is the sense in that?
DH is gone for the week, he's training and I am training. He's 3000 miles away learning things to help him better do his job and I am training to better be able to deal with this deployment. If I can make it through losing what would have been our first born all alone I know I can make it through anything...but God, this really sucks.
Friday was the day that I realized what has really been going on with me, health-wise. I am 97% sure that I suffered a miscarriage on Monday. I didn't even know I was pregnant. There was a short window of time where I knew pregnancy was possible but I took a pregnancy test afterward and it was negative so I thought I was good to go and live my life. I am on birth control so I continued taking that, continued having a cocktail here and there and I thought nothing of it. Now I have to face the fact that I may have killed my baby. Not that I killed my baby but there was a baby and now there's not and I am the only one who could affect it.
It wasn't the best time for us to have a baby, DH is getting ready to leave VERY soon and he would have missed the everything...that doesn't make it any easier. I have, in the past, mourned people that I never met but this is something different, it feels like there is a hole in my life now - there should have been a baby here in 7 months. Everyone says that God has a plan and I agree with that but why would I be given the gift of motherhood only to have it ripped away from me before I even knew it? What is the sense in that?
DH is gone for the week, he's training and I am training. He's 3000 miles away learning things to help him better do his job and I am training to better be able to deal with this deployment. If I can make it through losing what would have been our first born all alone I know I can make it through anything...but God, this really sucks.
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