look what's new

In an effort to keep myself busy last night I decided to switch things up a bit.  I had been wanting a sleeker look for a while and I think I achieved it.  I am sure I will make a few more changes with my follow buttons for facebook, twitter, pinterest, and instagram soon but so far so good. 

I also have a column open for button swaps, let me know if you want to swap. 

non update

The rest of TC's labs came back normal which is good but we still don't know what the deal is.  A referral was put in for an infectious disease doctor in San Diego, hopefully they will have it tomorrow and I can call and set something up.  We are about 3 hours from San Diego so I will have to work with Tri-Care too because I think they help out of you need to travel more than 100 miles.

I am more of a mess than I should be.  My anxiety is through the roof and I can't talk about it without crying.  I just want to know that my baby is alright - is that really so much to ask?  I am doing my best to take deep breaths when I feel like I am going to explode, that helps, I can actually feel tingling in my toes when I am able to calm myself.  The reality is that I feel like I am in a constant mild panic attack, it's hell.  I really hope things move quickly since Doc is leaving for his treatment on the east coast in a few weeks, Little A doesn't take a bottle it will be just me and the girls driving that scary highway and having to be strong on my own (yup, that's army life).

In other news Little A is full on crawling and pulling up to her knees.  She's so happy and fun and TC loves playing with her and just being a big sister.  She still wants to hold her even though she's only 4lbs heavier.  My girls, I love them and I am so blessed.

fix it

First, the first round of TC's blood tests have come back normal, we are still waiting on a few more tests before we figure out what our next step will me.  My amazing girl, a few times this weekend she pointed at her little bruised arms and said "get down, get down" reenacting her experience.  It broke my heart.

When something breaks in the house I get my tools.  When we buy cheap furniture (which is almost all of our furniture) I build it.  In fact I put a TV stand together a few hours before I went into labor with TC.  A car needs a jump, I'm on it.  I light goes out, the smoke alarm needs a test...the sink is clogged - it's all me. 

When I get my tools out TC is right there next to me, she grabs a screwdriver and gets to work.  When her toy malfunctions or the battery dies she looks at me and says "please fix it momma" and I do.  Today she was running around with her her toy story book in one hand (opened to the page of Buzz flying) and her stuffed turtle in the other flying him around like Buzz when the turtle's arm ripped.  Without a thought she looked at me and sadly looked up "fix it".  There wasn't even hesitation or doubt that I could do it.  I had never fixed her stuffed animals before.  I got out my little sewing kit and I fixed it and she was happy.

It's going to break my heart when something important breaks and I can't fix it.  A prized possession, a broken heart, or something worse.  The hardest part of being her mom is allowing her to be let down but it's one of the most important parts of my job.  She needs to learn and I will be there to wipe away her tears.

I honestly didn't think about this stuff before I became a parent, I knew it would be hard but I didn't know just how hard.  I don't know, I guess her little health scare is making me all sentimental.  For now I should just enjoy being the person in her life who can fix everything. 

bribery it is

TC has been potty training for about 6 months - 6 MONTHS!  We have never pushed her and she decided to train on her own  so I don't know what the problem is.  She will use the potty all day long and then randomly decide to pee on the floor.  I do mean decide, she will take her undies off and then do it.  It is beyond frustrating.  She takes her diaper off at night and pees in her room when she wakes up.  I'm telling you, her room stinks.

At nap time I've been using her gummy vitamins as a reward, she leaves her diaper on and she gets "treats".  It works pretty well, I guess.  Tomorrow I am starting something new, every time she pees in the potty she will get a peanut M&M in her "Potty Jar" but every time she pees on the floor she will lose and M&M.  I know, people say not to punish accidents and I wont but when your child pees on the floor because she thinks it's funny you have to do something.

Hopefully it works, I am so over this.  Eventually, maybe, she will want to wear her undies when we leave the house but I guess one step at a time. 

Also, it's hard not to eat the king sized bag of M&Ms sitting on my counter. 

my brave girl

I was a mess from the moment I woke up this morning, the thought of TC being held down to have blood drawn was just too much for me.  I know I am a total wimp but I can't help it.  Doc took her alone so I could stay home with Little A, a very smart move since I know I would have been a distraction.  TC would have felt my energy and it would have been much worse for her. 

Doc picked her up and I tried to pass the time by talking to my sister.  We chatted for an hour - a new mom always has something to talk about.  I finally told her that TC was out getting her blood taken and I lost it.  I was afraid of how TC was reacting and I am still so nervous about what they will find. 

I feel like I am being a little ridiculous about being so worried but what makes it worse it Doc, when I am being crazy he tells me that I am being crazy - he's not telling me that now.  If he thought I was over reacting he wouldn't have taken her to get her blood drawn.  As far as what they will find, he isn't worried until he has something to worry about, that's just his way. 

When they came home this is what she looked like, poor thing had been through hell.  Doc said that it took 6 guys to hold her down and (and I am crying as I type this) she kept saying "Get down, please get down" through her sobs and Doc told her he couldn't understand her when she cried so she took a deep breath and said "Please daddy, get down, no more".  Breaks my heart, I can't imagine what she was thinking, if she thought she was in trouble...my poor girl.  If - God forbid - she is sick I'm going to have to grow a thicker skin. 

When she got home she got run of the TV.  She was open for extra snuggles and what really killed me - like put a knife through my heart - I was getting my boppy out to feed Little A and TC jumped up and and curled onto the boppy and asked me to feed her.  She hasn't nursed since she was 13 months old and in the 8+ months I've been nursing Little A she hasn't once even pretended that she remembered.  It broke my heart but I explained to her that I nurse Little A because she doesn't eat food like the rest of us...I didn't let her nurse but I did let her snuggle. 

I am just so scared, I hope someday I can look back at this post one day and laugh at how silly I was being.

nervous

I mentioned last week that TC has had a fever for a few weeks, well she still does and the tests for a UTI were negative so now we have to move on to more intrusive tests. Tomorrow morning Doc and I will bring her to the clinic where they will draw a lot of blood, enough for about 7 tests.  She will also have a chest x-ray. 

They will look for infections, check her blood counts, liver function and other stuff.  Of course in my head all I can see is TC being held down and being pricked as she screams and then the tests coming back and someone telling me that my first born is really sick.  I think we all know the word that bounces around a parent's head, I don't even want to say it or think it.  I will not let that c-word leave my lips until I am assure that I am just being paranoid.

My poor girl, she just needs to feel better.  I will keep you informed, I know in my heart that in the end all will be fine and I will just look back at what a crazy lady I was but right now I am just scared. 

last minute, it's how we live

We are STILL waiting to find out if the girls and I will be able to go with Doc to his treatment at Walter Read.  He has to report in less than a month!  I would love to know so I can make plans for our pets and everything else that needs to be done when you leave your house for a month!  I really want to go, sure I want to be there for his treatment but I also (mostly) want a free ticket to the east coast and an escape from the desert. 

If we don't go it will be another month without him - TC will be crushed.  But I am trying hard to not get my mind set in either direction.  If you read my last post you know how much I love the fall...I would love to get me some real fall! 

In other news Little A crawled a little bit.  I know I shouldn't compare my kids but TC walked at 8.5 months and Little A is now 8 months and barely crawling - it's so weird.  But she is very happy with herself and really happy with everything so that's all that matters.

complaining again

I figured it out, I was looking at a picture online of an amazing fireplace with snow falling outside and I longed for in with every fiber of my being.  Honestly, I don't like snow.  Sure I like the first snowfall of the winter and I love the idea of snow as a backdrop to winter memories but when it comes down to it snow sucks.  It's cold, you have to scrape it from your car, it makes the roads dangerous, forget wearing heals in it and after a day or two it looks looks so ugly.  I am my father's daughter - I pretty much hate snow.  Living in the desert where snow hasn't happened since 1932 I suddenly NEED snow.

It's not uncommon to love the weather you grew up with, for me it was the four seasons of New England.  It's not just that you get four seasons you get hit in the face with each season.  The winter brings Nor'easter with up to 18 inches of snow.  The spring comes out of nowhere but the days are suddenly longer and on that first nice day everyone is smiling and you better stay off the road because windows down music up distracted driving has taken over.  The summer is hot and humid - frizz is in the air and the only place to be is the beach even at night - meeting up for drinks at an ocean side bar is the highlight of the week.  Then there is fall, oh fall...the smells, the food, the fashion...fall...if you were a man I would have married you years ago.  Pumpkins, cider, leaves crunching under your boots, scarves and light sweaters...football on a crisp Friday night...fall.  Heavy skirts with opaque tights and boots...I love fall.  Washington tried to do fall and 2 days out of the season I could smell what fall should smell like but it was a sad imposter.  Fall. Sigh...

When I married Doc I knew that moving meant leaving my home and the place where seasons lived.  But he was going to be a ranger and there were only 3 places we could end up while he did that - Ft. Lewis, Ft. Benning or Hunter Army Airfield in Savannah...I picked Lewis because of the seasons.  Well life happens, Doc got bonked on the head and now we live in the desert.  I miss my seasons!  It's not that I miss the snow or the humidity I miss the feeling that it gives you.  Looking at the forecast and seeing the first snow/75º/90º/65º day on the 10 day is indescribable.  Do I need to go to Stop & Shop and buy milk and bread?  Do I need to organize a girls night at The Hot Club in Providence?  Are we skipping out to the cape for the day?  Finding the nearest corn maze to get lost in.  I miss the small things that define the season but mostly I miss the excitement that comes with those firsts.  Right now I scour the forecast for a day that drops below 110 for a high and below 80 for a low (hasn't happened in weeks FYI).  The people here could be the most amazing in the world (they're not) and it could be the most beautiful place in the world (it's not) but without the excitement that each season brings it would still be a bust.

Does Seasonal Affective Disorder only count for people in the winter because I am pretty sure that I am suffering from that this summer.  Luckily my extended forecast is showing the hottest day in the upcoming week to be only 104, maybe we will actually go outside...maybe.

moments worth holding on to

TC is growing so fast, a year ago she still looked like a baby and now she's a little girl.  I feel like so many of her adorable moments have already slipped in and out of my memory and that breaks my heart.  Here are a few gems for the past few weeks that I think are just too fun not to share.

While eating dinner she made this roar/screech noise out of nowhere.  I asked is she was being a lion and she shot me a look and said "No, I'm a dinosaur!".  This kid, I have no idea where that came from.  She also thinks the dragon on Shrek is a dinosaur and will not accept that she is, in fact, a dragon.

The other night I got up to feed Little A at 3AM and I saw the living room light on and could hear Lady and the Tramp playing, there she was sitting on the couch halfway through the movie.  She just looked at me with her big radiant smile and said "Puppies!" in a very proud manner.  There is not much that can make me chuckle at 3AM but that did it.  I sent her off to bed (again) shaking my head.

She is a mini me, the way she talks with her hands to the way she lists things off to just the faces she makes.  There is no better mirror than a toddler who spends 99% of her waking hours with you.  When it's time to clean up her toys she will go around the room pointing out what needs to be put away just like I do, "the xylophone and the crayons and put blocks away and toys and books and shoes...and crayons" and then she sees the cat and gets distracted so I have to give her the list again - it's a vicious circle.

She currently loves Britney Spears and will ask for her by name.  The girl loves to dance and no song gets her moving quite like Big Fat Bass...perhaps not something I should be proud of as a mom but what can you do?

She is a dancing machine, when she gets excited she dances and other than running around in circles her favorite move is sticking out her hip and kind of letting it lead her around.  The other day she did a mashed potato type of move. 

While I have my challenges as a mom it's so worth it.  These little moments can come at any time, some of my happiest memories of her have come from her most difficult days. 

Now I am off to work on my dinosaur impression... 

it's always there

I know I don't always talk about it but Doc's TBI is still a part of our daily lives, perhaps that's why I don't talk about it so much - it's become normal.  Some days are fine but others are just really hard.

The last few days he's been kind of a mess, headaches and mood swings and all the fun stuff.  He's lost his words a few times as well but nothing as bad as back in the day when a fridge was a shoe and such.  He's also had trouble sleeping, last night he took an Ambien which knocks him out but never really lets him rest, he did wake up and sleep eat some gold fish crackers.

Today he took TC's urine sample to the doctor for me and he called to ask me how to spell her name.  He knows how to spell her name, T-e-a-g-a-n, easy.  Then he asked her birthday.  It killed me but mostly because I know how much it must have killed him to have to make that call.  This is just how it is now, some days he may seem fine but it's always there right below the surface.

I miss my old carefree husband.  I wish he wasn't so dead in the eyes.

melting

I've got nothing.  It's ridiculously hot - 116 yesterday.  Our AC is jacked up and that is why would electric bill has been out of control all summer.  In the afternoon we cant get it under 78.  It's being worked on but still isn't fixed. 

We still don't know the details for our trip to Walter Reed - they are working on a plane ticket for TC.  They need me there for 2 weeks, if they can't get TC a ticket we wont be there.

TC has had a fever for a few weeks, I have been waiting for it to run its course but it still hasn't.  I finally took her to the doctor and now I'm worried.  She doesn't complain about anything hurting but she hasn't been herself - she a super crank.  I just want to get to the bottom of it all and get my sweet girl back.

I would give my right arm to get caught in a snow storm right now, I miss winter. 

I am so bummed about the olympics being over that I may have to award things around the house medals, the cat wins gold in stinky poop, TC in peeing on the rug and Little A in loud farts.  Doc gets bronze (behind both girls) in putting his sock away.

I really want a brownie.

a year

I can not believe that we pulled out of Washington a year ago today.  It seems like so much longer than that...I think it's true what they told me when we got here, time drags in Yuma.  For funsies here are a few comparison pictures from then and now.

TC

TC was still a baby when we moved and now she's very much a little girl. 

Little A

I knew I would miss Washington, the rain, my dear friends but I didn't know I would miss it this much.  I can't wait to go back and visit as a tourist some day.  While I don't miss months on months of rain I would kill for a solid day of it, windows open - a cool chill, a hoodie and big soft socks, hot chocolate...well I won't get that here but a girl can dream.

so much STUFF!

Honest mommy moment, this is my living room at this very moment.

It's my birthday and I refuse to clean and I don't see Doc getting off his bum to do it either.  I can't wait until Little A grows out of some of this stuff.  Oh, and the pack 'n play - ball pit!  I am going to move that love seat out of here because it's only used as a trampoline and we don't need that.  Hopefully it will make the room feel bigger.

In other news it's going to be a little warm down here in no man's land.

If you're wondering how we keep cool I will let you in on our little secret.  We stay underwater.
(well, and one of us refuses to wear clothes)

I hope you are all keeping cool!

You can vote every day!

what TC has been up doing

As of yesterday TC is officially a two and a half year old.  It seems like she is changing so quickly, even Doc said that he noticed a big difference in just the month that he was away.

She is speaking in sentences for the most part, today she was mad that Doc closed the bathroom door while she was in the tub, I asked her why it matters and she said "I wanted the door to be open".  I almost died.  I was expecting just a "no, open" but knew exactly how to say what she wanted.  She's also learning the difference between "fall" and "fell" and things like that.  It's coming, she's growing up.

She loves mangos, avocados, peaches, pretty much any fruit she can get her hands on.  She pronounces banana "balanlanlanlan-a" which kills me with cuteness.  Meals are a fight, if she could live off of fruit it would be so easy but she does enjoy pb&j, mac & cheese, quesadillas, english muffin pizzas, pasta...she fights when I try to make her eat her chicken and pork chops.  Dinner can be very frustrating to say the least.

She's potty trained when she wants to be.  In the house she knows to go to the bathroom and will stop playing to go, when she's mad she pees on her bedroom floor.  It is so frustrating.  She also takes her diaper off at night and during naps which means I am changing her sheets several times a week.  I am to the point where I may buy disposables and tape them on there is duct tape or something.  I've also considered putting her potty in her room and just letting her sleep in undies...who knows.  She also refuses to tell is when she has to go when we are in public.  In time, we aren't pushing but the peeing on the floor as got to stop.  Anyone go through anything similar?

She loves to play with her sister, she also loves to act like she is the mom as well trying to tell her what to do.  When I was holding Little A in a standing position TC got pissed, it was like she realized "crap, this baby isn't going to be a baby for ever".  Once she realizes how fun it is to have a constant playmate she will be just fine.

She still loves Adele but has also discovered Britney Spears since she comes on my iTunes right after Adele.  He favorite is Big Fat Bass, she sings and dances along.  I know - mother of the year letting her 2 year old listen to Britney but there are much worse things in the world.

Overall I could not be happier, she's a great little girl.  Fresh at moments but mostly fun.  She is loving, she is all I could ask for.

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this is why I always have my camera handy

 

Doc came home today and TC was beyond excited.  (I swear, I tried to get clothes on her but she just pulls them off.)  These pictures are some that I will treasure for the rest of my life.  While it wasn't a deployment and it was only a month being without him sucked and we missed him terribly.  I am so glad that my babies have their daddy back and I will begrudgingly give him back his half of the bed (I do love sleeping like a starfish...)

Twinsies!

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a little of this, a little of that

Who are we kidding, you know how much I love bullets!

• My nephew is home and doing great, my sister came through like a rock star.  I am beyond thrilled, when you think a baby is sick your head goes into so many dark places.  This little guy is just getting a jump on driving his parents crazy.
• My stepfather met with is oncologist today, his cancer is not a cancer that we have to worry about spreading.  While left untreated it would grow and kill him the fact that we don't have to worry about it spreading is amazing.  He didn't need the tracheotomy!  My mom said it seemed like the last doctor they saw was a total doomsdayer.  We still need to wait to see exactly what the scans say but they may be able to remove the tumor without disturbing his vocal cords!  We don't want to get too ahead of ourselves but right now there is a good amount of hope.
• Please, please, please don't smoke.  It took my dad and may take my bonus dad.  Smoking is lame.
•  Doc comes home tomorrow, he should arrive during TC's nap - I am so excited for her.  
• TC is sick, she's been sick for a few days.  Other thank telling me that her head had a booboo she hasn't complained about anything.  She's been running a low grade fever so in my head I am thinking virus.  Last night she said her ear hurt but never said it again.  I called to make an appointment for her but the clinic at this hell hole closes at noon on Fridays so no appointment for TC.  She's fine, has a fever but still playing and causing trouble.  Nothing to drag her and the baby to a walk in over.  When she's sick she looks so pretty (is that weird?  Oh well it's true) she was very stern about "no pictures" today but I was able to snap a few.

• TC is beautiful, I know this and she's starting to know as well.  We are constantly stopped when we are out so people can comment on her beauty.  My job as her mom is to make sure that for every "you're beautiful" she hears she get twice as many "you're smart, you're strong, you're capable".  It's a big job but failure is not an option.
• Little A is getting frustrated, she figured out how to sit herself up but hasn't been able to do it again.  She gets so frustrated that she stops trying and just screams.  It's a lot of fun.  I'm going my best to help her but it's not like I can tell a 7 month old exactly how to do it.  Other than that she is a joy to watch.  I can't wait to see her and Doc reunite, I have a feeling she's going to be just as excited as TC. 

(Just because I am not going to write a whole paragraph about Little A being pretty doesn't mean I don't think she is, when she hit toddlerdom and hears what TC hears it will be something we have to address.  Look at this kid, she's a friggen doll.)

• With Doc coming home I will have to state meal planning again, booo.  When we hit the lotto (that we don't play) I am hiring a staff to cook for me.
• Watching Tahmina Kohistani run her race as the only female athlete from Afghanistan made me ugly cry.  She came in second to last but that didn't matter, she was there. 
  

  

  Image and quotation from Washington Post

   “There are a lot of bad comments about me in my country and there’s lots of people not ready to support me. But I think I will make the nation of Afghanistan proud of me and they are going to never forget me. I just opened a new window, a new door, for the next generation of my country. I can say that they will follow me all the time.  There are lots of girls in Afghanistan. Because of some social problems, because of family problems, they cannot do sport. But I’m going to say for them: Come and join me, Tahmina, and we can make a very big and strong sport network in our country."

 I will share her story with my daughters one day.

My nephew was released from the hospital today, they can't find a reason for his heart rate increases but it may just be something he grows out of.  I am so proud of my sister, she was such a rock this whole time. 

That's really all I have tonight, I think it's about time for an update on my girls soon, they make me so happy. 

scared of my phone

It seems that every time my phone rings someone on the other line is just waiting to tell me bad news. 

A few days ago my mom called and told me that my stepfather has throat cancer.  It is currently partially blocking his larynx and airway.  He needs a tracheotomy to breathe.  From here he has 3 choices, chemo/radiation and hope it works, remove his larynx and hope they get it all, die.  They think they will be removing his larynx, while it is better than death it is still devastating.  My step dad has a very distinct voice, he is know for it.  He's been going by a nickname for the past 40 years that stemmed from his voice.   He is a talker, he is a big burly tattooed tattoo artist but he can sit down next to anyone and and have a 45 minute conversation.  Losing his voice is better than losing his life but a part of him will die.

I let my mom know that I am going through something similar, while not life threatening my husband has lost a major thing that identified him.  It's hard for the patient and it's hard for the caregivers.  I hope she does call me when she needs to vent, cry, scream - whatever.  I get it. 

Secondly, it looks like he is going to be just fine but yesterday my two week old nephew took his first (and hopefully last) ambulance ride.  He's been jerky since birth and has a tendency to turn blue in his limbs, the doctor initially said it's fine because his color returns to normal when he is moved.  He also has  congestion issues when he sleeps which was concerning to them.  Yesterday my brother in law thought he was having a seizure so they took him to the doctor, again.  They are blessed to have a doctor who takes their concerns seriously and she sent them off to Children's Hospital in Boston.  My sister rode with him in an ambulance, they wanted to be sure that he was alright.

While in the hospital they found that his heart rate jumps into the 90s while he's nursing and he gets very "twitchy" when he's done.  After a brain wave test, EKG, chest x-rays, blood work, and whatever else they did they didn't find a cause.  If his breathing is fine all day they will send him home tonight and assume that this is just one of his baby quirks that he will grow out of.  They did give my sister and brother in law a baby CPR doll and lessons just in case.

Of course as I am receiving this information I am here alone with my kids.  Trying so hard to keep it together but I was so worried.  On one hand, when I went through something similar with TC she ended up being just fine but on the other hand my college roommate had a completely different outcome (I am not saying that Brandon isn't an amazing little boy who is happy and loved).  I am happy to say that yesterday, throughout all of this my kids did not see me cry.  I count that as a win.

I am so glad that this TDY is almost over, I need my tag team partner back.