2012 in review

 I've done this the past few years, it's kind of stupid and MySpace-ish but oh well, see 2011, 2010, and 2009.



To be honest, I wasn't ready for everything that 2012 brought and I am not at all sad to see this year go.  I truly believe the best years are ahead.

1. What did you do in 2012 that you’d never done before?
Checked my husband into a hospital, not knowing if he was going to come home. 

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yes, I got back to a comfortable weight after having the baby - I'm hoping this year to get back there haha. 

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
YES!  My sister D, my best friend since I was 6 Amanda, my college roommate that I wrote about yesterday, one of my favorite (former - WOW!) army wives Erin...who else...I know there were more. 

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandmother, I miss her.

5. What places did you visit?
We went to Phoenix, San Diego, and Disneyland

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
A medically retired husband and a new start.

7. What dates from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 18th, my grandmother died
December 14th, the day of the school shooting.  It's a heartbreak that will stay with me forever and those families will forever be in my heart.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Surviving and doing it with a smile.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Making time for myself, I know I am a better wife and mother when I treat myself well, I need to remember that an hour a day (or every other day) just for me will make life better everyone.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I threw my back out, that was wonderful.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
ohhhh tie between the Dyson, MacBook Pro, and rock & play (where Little A slept for her first months)

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My kids, they have their moments but they both have big hearts and brains in their heads - I am so proud of them.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
The doctor here who seems to care about everything other than what is best for Doc.  He just wants to find the way to do something that requires the least about of effort on his part.

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The possibility of going home, we really thought we would be spending Christmas in Massachusetts this year but that was taken from us.

16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
I Wont Give Up by Jason Mraz

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
happier
b) thinner or fatter?
thinner!
c) richer or poorer?
richer

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
kept in touch with my friends back home

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worried, I can't stop though.

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2012?
As a fun family of 4 - maybe our last low key Christmas

21. Did you fall in love in 2012?
daily

22. What was your favorite TV program?
Game of Thrones - Winter is coming you know.

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2012?
refused to clean

24. What was the best book you read?
I only read one, Betty White's If You Ask Me

25. What did you want and get?
answers on what the plan would be for Doc

26. What did you want and not get?
to move to the east coast

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
I feel like all I watch are kid's movies so I will say Brave

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
I did

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being around the people I love, friends and family back home

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
summer casual, I lived in Old Navy shorts and tank tops

31. What kept you sane?
My girls, they need me

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I love Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
equal rights for ALL

34. Who did you miss?
pretty much everyone - I hate living in AZ.

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012.
We really have no control.  (Keeping this one)

a day away

One of my best friends from home is in California visiting her brother in law at Camp Pendleton, we knew we had to get together before she headed back to the east coast.  When trying to plan something it seemed like it was getting complicated, finding a place in the middle where the kids would be entertained enough to make up for the long drive...it seemed like it might not happen so I said screw it, and decided that I would drive all the way there with just Little A. 

Best decision ever.

While it's frustrating that my one year old isn't yet walking it makes her very easy to take places.  As fun as it would have been to have TC there, it would have been just too much stress.  I love the idea of doing things with just one girl at a time, I will have to make a point to do it more.

It was amazing to see a familiar face, there is something to be said about looking in the the eyes of someone who really knows you.  We decided to head to a few different piers in Oceanside, CA - oh my God, this place is beautiful!  Even Camp Pendleton is right on the ocean and the views are amazing.  A day in the warm sun, cool breeze and ocean air was just what I needed, and a great friend - I think this day bought me a few extra months of sanity here in the desert.

Ready for the photo dump?

If you only knew us in college...

I love that she still falls asleep in the ergo.

Any displaced Rhode Islander can appreciate how hard it is to live without this.

She did not love the sand.

I am so grateful that my friend was so quick to snaps pictures of everything.

And look what I saw on my way to my car?

Thank you stranger who offered to take some pictures.

Doc and I are planning another trip to San Diego before we leave, I think we will make a mini vacation of it and come back to this spot - it is amazing.

it was a good Christmas

Over all it was a good day, the girls enjoyed themselves so no matter what, it was a success.

 

Her first look at the tree and gifts, she was super excited.

 

Getting started with a gift from Auntie D.

 

Look at that smile on T'Cs face, the joy of anticipation.

 

Next!

 

So happy about her Innotab2, Little A was checking out the games.

 

And then it was over, TC playing with her tablet (as she calls it), Little A sitting in the box the tablet came in and Doc sleeping on the couch.  Move this scene into the living room and and me in the kitchen and this was our day.

 

My dad's tradition was always fried dough, I thought it was something I would do with my kids as well but every year it made me sad and felt forced so I took the basic idea, fried and dough, and switched it to donuts.  These are easy grands biscuits fried in vegetable oil and tossed in cinnamon sugar. 

 All day, she played with this thing - she figured it out on her own and was counting and playing in no time.

I spent the day in the kitchen roasting a 16lb turkey.  As much prepping I did the night before I still couldn't escape that kitchen.  My major gripe for the day was being stuck in the kitchen, sure the girls came in and played and "helped" but Doc, again, didn't offer.  I would have loved for him to have even just sat at the counter and kept us company (or the girls busy, Little A almost got a 3rd degree burn while I was basting the turkey - that kid can crawl fast!).  No matter how many time I tell him that I would really like the company he never does it.  Hopefully this will be our last holiday season alone and soon I will have sisters/in-laws/anyone in the kitchen with me making it less lonely.  

After dinner we could finally hang out as a family.  It seems that Doc's injections are wearing off and his headaches returned.  It's not his fault but, come on, what crappy timing. 

Yesterday was our anniversary, we had plans to go out but we didn't.  So that's 3 years and counting without a date.  He sees no need to go out, I guess me wanting it so bad just isn't enough.  You know what's bad, as much as I should have been thinking about 7 years ago on 26 Dec when we were married my mind kept going to 6 years ago on that day when I left my little Rhode Island apartment and the life I had created for myself there.  I need to go home.

Santa, I know him!

So much for getting a good picture of the girls right before bed on Christmas Eve.  Haha, I love my little ball busters.

TC even said no to leaving Santa cookies!  I am so excited for tomorrow that I don't think I'm going to sleep and I am not even getting anything.

We did so well keeping Little A to 4 gifts but went a little overboard with TC.  She is getting and Innotab 2 so she also needed games and headphones...oh well, Little A wont care at all.

Hohoho-HOCKEY (I miss it)

ready

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, most years it sneaks up on me and I never feel ready but this year I am, and I kind of just want to get it over with.  Horrible huh?  I am sick, I think that is the real issue - as ready as I am there are some things that need to be done, I need to clean the kitchen in preparation for my Christmas feast.  I need to clean the sitting room where the tree is (so that there is no mess in the background of my pictures - that's really what it's all about).

Almost all the gifts are wrapped, just waiting for Amazon to drop off TC's Mickey Mouse Innotab game on Monday then I will be done.  Almost all the out of town gifts have arrived and are hanging out in the master bedroom, as much as I would love for them to be under the tree I don't trust TC not to bust in there and unwrap them all the moment I turn my back. 

TC LOVES everything about Christmas.  The lights, the cookies, the presents.  I feel bad because I never took her and Little A to see Santa this year.  I can still do it today but I doubt I will, I feel like crap.  I know it makes no difference to them, I have no lasting trauma from not having my picture taken with Santa when I was 2.  I am going to blame society for my stress.  It is much easier to blame society that admit that you are an irrational nut job. 

Most of all I need to remind myself to sit back and enjoy the calmness of this Christmas.  As much as I hate that we couldn't go home it is nice that we will be spending our (hopefully) last Christmas as an army family just the 4 of us.  Next year, if we are living at home, there will be no escaping the Christmas shuffle to be sure everyone gets to see the girls.  I remember it as a kid, a lot of eating and running.  I think parents do it just so when the kids get home they are so tired that they pass right out. 

Disney

We knew that we would have to go to Disneyland at least once before we move back east, once you're a New Englander it's all about the World down in Florida!  We thought for sure TC would just fall in love with the place and be beside herself with excitement.

If you haven't spent time in a hotel with an almost 3 year old you are very lucky.  She got almost no sleep the night before and was a total diva at Disney.  She decided as soon as we got in the park that she was not going to have fun and wasted most of the morning being miserable.  It didn't help that Mickey scared the crap out of her and she stood in the corner and cried until we left the room!  Eventually she lightened up and was super excited to ride the carrousel (had we known that we could have saved a several hundred dollars and found one in Arizona).

This is her diva face, I am not a fan.

She was nervous at first but didn't want to get off.

But it was a good day, we didn't expect too much.  We didn't go thinking that we were going to experience everything Disney had to offer (I know people take these trips very seriously, we just wanted to say we were there and get some smiles on the girls' faces.)  We don't even have malls in the town where we are stationed so the crowds and noise and lights were a lot for our little lady.  We cut her a lot of slack.  The biggest disappointment I have is that I didn't practice taking outdoor shots with my camera before we left, I have finally taken it of manual (don't judge) and am still learning.  When TC is in a mood the sight of the camera pointed at her can extend a tantrum by hours so I had to be quick with my shots and didn't get nearly as many as I would have liked.

She got to control the spinner.

But we had a fun day, Little A got a tiny birthday cake and a round of applause from everyone in the restaurant after we sang happy birthday so I am chalking this trip up as a success. 

Snuggles from the birthday girl.

Pasta then...

CAKE!

(almost) wordless wednesday

Cell phone pic of the birthday girl and me riding Dumbo at Disneyland.  Can you see how nervous I was, that thing goes high!  She loved it.  We had a blast at Disney - I will tell you all about it soon. 

I am having a very hard time wrapping my mind around the tragedy last week and that is making writing about anything seem so insignificant and small.  I am just looking for the words to really convey what is in my heart.

to life

it had to be a dirty shirt, her shirt is always dirty

 Today my baby girl turns one.  I am conflicted, her life is a beautiful one and deserves to be celebrated but I can't help but think of 26 birthdays that will now bring tears not cake.  A cruel part of a tragedy is that life goes on in the world around.  As much as my heart is hurting (and it is, believe me) today I am celebrating this little life God saw fit to bless me with.  We will explore Disneyland as a family with our blissfully unaware children.  Holding on to every smile, every laugh.

Happy birthday baby girl, thank you for being you.

You can read her birth story here.

I have nothing

They may be driving me crazy today but I was holding my girls extra tight today as we prayed for all of the victims of the shooting today.  Those dead, who lost loved ones, who witnessed this madness, who have to investigate the devastation.

Sometimes I hate this world we live in.

don't tell Doc

We got our pictures from the Christmas party and I had to share them.

(almost) wordless Wednesday

This girl, she will be one in a matter of days but she is already trying to grow up too fast.  She can't walk yet but she's obsessed with trying to dress herself.  What you are looking at here is a self pedicure in progress.  She doesn't even know how to open the clippers so I wasn't worried, I just snapped a few pictures then sat back and smiled as my baby tried to grow up in front of my eyes.

running away

Some days it's all I think about, what if I could just run away.  Not in the ditch my family and start over alone kind of way but what if I just wrap my arms around all three of them and we all click our heals and just like that we wake up wiser and happier in a place filled with nothing but love.  Running away, such a wonderful thought...

Doc has the craziest sleep schedule, he will goes days without sleep.  I'm talking 48+ hours, he just can't sleep.  Other days he will sleep for 14 plus hours.  He really needs treatment, he has a TBI, PTSD and 26 other noted issues but 0 treatments.  He is still recovering from his reaction to Cymbalta - his skin is still scabbing and bumpy and painful as well as some other things.  I know I need to deal with everything that has happened to him too, I saw a Cymbalta commercial and had a panic attack when they were reading the possible side effects..."potentially deadly reaction..."  I know I need to deal with this, thankfully I am almost done breastfeeding and will be able to get back on a medication that has helped me in the past.  Also, once Little A is weaned my hormones will finally level out so maybe I wont need medication.

This morning Doc slept until passed 11, the kids were crazy and I had things that I needed to do.  I am so torn, I know he needs his sleep when he can get it but the me-me-me part of me is like "I've been waking up at 5:30 for weeks..."  When he woke up he was asked why I let him sleep so late, obviously he needed the rest.  Then he said something insensitive that he thought was helpful and I lost it.  You all know I cry, I know he knows I am a crier but he doesn't know how much I cry over this.  He doesn't need that extra stress.  Well I cried and he was there to see it.  I just want to get away from everything for just a few hours, I want him to come.  Soon enough, we will be home and there will be lots of available babysitters (at least for the first few months before we become old news).  We need to reconnect.

He has an appointment in Palm Desert tomorrow then an appointment at Ft. Irwin on Thursday and another on Friday.  He will be gone for three days for 3 appointments even though everything they are testing was just tested at Walter Reed...ugh, don't get negative Amber, just remember this is one step closer to the end.

I want this to be over.

Christmas party

Last night was Doc's work Christmas party, it really hit me when Doc said that it's probably the last army function that we will be attending.  Yikes!  But we had a good time at the party, it was a little hard chasing the girls around, Little A just wanted to crawl around the floor and TC wanted to run around outside.  (Running outside would have been fine but I am so scared of snakes and scorpions and other things that roam the desert that you can't see at night.) Doc did well, he should have worn his hearing aids and I should have worn the microphone so he could focus easier but we didn't think about that.  In a crowd like that he has a hard time focusing on one thing and all the noises pile on top of each other and him until he just feels suffocated.  

It was a nice excuse to put on a dress and put the girls in their Christmas clothes.  There was a photographer there taking family pictures too so that will be nice, the last one we have with all four of us is from February.  Since the night was pretty uneventful, just a nice time, all I really have to share are the pictures.  (Sorry about the quality of some of these, Doc doesn't do well when it's not on auto then at the party my flash batteries died and I didn't have backups.)

 

How adorable is this dress?!  I love it.

 

My girls, and everyone is looking, I just need to play with the color.

I can't get over how grown up she's looking.

Yes, this is the only way she would eat...klassy!

Words can not express how happy I was when Santa picked her gift first!

The baby has spoken, time to go home.

It was a great night, it really reminded me how badly I need a date night with my husband - we haven't had one in almost 3 years.  I can't believe we've become one of those couples.