I'm getting a reputation

I've been known to bake, even growing up I always made all the desserts for the holidays at my house.  I don't know what it is, I just love it.  This past fall my baking bug went into overdrive with the purchase of my KitchenAid mixer and addiction to Pinterest. 

Every time I make something Doc ends up taking at least half of it to work with him.  It's a pretty good arrangement, I don't grow a second chin and his buddies get yummy treats.  I guess the guys are fans of my snacks because I've become the go to girl for desserts.  A few weeks ago Doc come home around noon and told me we had a party to go to the next day and I was in charge of desserts.  No head count to speak of.  Awesome.

I went with my old standby from my Pampered Chef days, Apple Berry Salsa with Cinnamon chips.  If you need a side or dessert try that, you wont be disappointed and if you can find cinnamon chips in the store you wont have to turn your oven on.   I doubled the recipe for that one.

Next I broke out the Better Homes and Gardens cook book and made a few apple pies.  Easy, classic, can't really go wrong with that one.

Next I turned to Pinterest for some cookies, I highly recommend these Snickerdoodles and these Chewy Lemon Cookies. They were both big hits and I will be making them again very soon!

Last weekend Doc's buddies threw together a last minute BBQ (or as we call it where I've from, a cookout) and I asked what I could bring and I hear "oh she makes great desserts, have her bring something".  Now the stage has been set, I can't disappoint.  I had 2 hours to make something that everyone would love and (as 1950s homemakerish as it sounds) something Doc would hear about at work on Tuesday because it was so delicious.  But, I wanted to do it with a kick.

Those my friends are Margarita Cupcakes, spiked with tequila.  Oh. My. Good.  Booze and cupcakes, together.  It's a perfect marriage. 

Tomorrow I may try these Cherry Lime Aide for the final MOPS meeting.  They look amaze-balls.

just shut up!

I have so much going on in my head right now and no time to really get it down on "paper".  Right now I am trying to type this while Little A sucks her toes on the floor and TC is playing with Netflix.

Usually I have time at night but that is one of my current problems, Little A is teething and not sleeping.  Add this to her separation anxiety and unwillingness to take a bottle and I am a ball of stress.  Last night I finally just put her down to cry around 10PM because I just couldn't hold her any more.  I know, I'm a horrible mother, I needed to get away from my baby, my baby who was in pain.  She didn't cry long so that's good.

Doc asked what was wrong, I must have looked rather distressed.  I couldn't explain it to him, the stress that comes with exclusively breast feeding added to a baby who wants no one but you, ever.  I told him that I can understand postpartum depression much better now.  No, I don't think I am dealing with that, we are just going through a phase until her teeth pop through but damn.

All I wanted to do was watch bad TV in peace, blog and perhaps eat my weight in Nutella but I had to spend the night with my boobs being attacked and incessant crying.  But that wasn't as bad as the guilt of being mad at my own baby.  Who does that?  I love her to death and would do anything for her but the last few nights she's been acting like an jerk.

I kissed her good night and gave her a few extra snuggles but I did turn the monitor down until she was asleep.  There you have it, add this to my resume for mother of the year.

*and to be clear, it isn't letting her cry that I really feel bad about, it's the getting mad at her*

damned if you do, damned if you don't

The mothers out there know that you will never please everyone.  No matter what the issue is there are always self appointed experts ready to hand out unsolicited advice.  Every choice you make will leave someone shaking their head behind your back.  Motherhood, after all, is a full contact sport.

As a teenager I stated that I would like to cloth diaper when I have kids, my always so supportive stepmother told me I would never last doing it because you have to deal with all that poop.  Fast forward about a thousand years and I got pregnant.  I thought about cloth for about a second and a half, we were renting and the washing machine was older than dirt, I really didn't think it would get the job done well enough.

14 months later I was pregnant again and the washing machine had just been replaced.  I had seen more and more cloth and saw how far the diapers had come since the days of safety pins and rubber covers.  I talked to people who used them and they seemed pretty easy.  The moment that pregnancy test told me that we were having another baby I bit the bullet and decided we were going cloth.

After a lot of research I decided that pocket diapers were the best option for me and my friend told me to try Kawaii diapers because I wanted something cheap and reliable.  I think I paid $9 per diaper, what is better than that? I bought 20 in all and that is still the stash I am using today.

Of course everyone in my family had something to say, I am sure they all talked about it back home wondering how long until I quit.  My mom told me I was nuts and tried to convince me that one of the kids would have an allergy like my sister did.  Well suck it everyone, it's been a year and we're still going strong.

For me I am not a cloth diaper advocate, if someone has questions I will give my answer.  If disposables are the best option for your family that's fantastic, we still use them from time to time too.  It seems that these days there is a group of cloth diaper bullies giving the rest of us a bad name, well there must be because I have had folks make assumptions about me when they find out.  I've almost become defensive about it.  When we first moved here I was asked someone if the CDC allowed cloth diapers (I still haven't even registered my kids though) then later we were talking about something, I can't remember what for the life of me, and she said something like "oh well you use cloth so I doubt you would...".  What we were talking about wasn't important I was just pissed she made an assumption because we use cloth.

Here's a secret, we use cloth because it saves us a ridiculous amount of money, especially since we live on post and not have separate water and electrical bills.  It has become a part of my routine like vacuuming and dishes, every other night I wash diapers and in the AM I hang them on the line.  I use cloth to catch my daughters' waste, not to make some sort of statement to the world and sure as hell not to be trendy.

the home stretch

A few months ago we thought Doc was up to reenlist, he was ready to sign on the dotted line for another 6 years when we found out he wasn't able to just yet.  His plan was to reenlist and continue doing the job he is currently doing here at the school and hope to get better.  If he did we would continue our army journey and if not he would start the medboard process. 

The new plan is just the medboard process.  He's working with The Care Coalition to do what is best, we really are so blessed to have them as a resource.

I am scared to death about this process, about getting out, about going home, about all of it.  I'm scared but I'm ready. 

As I was driving through the wasteland that we now call home onto post the other day I started crying.  I wasn't sad, I am not sure why I stated crying other than just a release for finally feeling at peace.  I know it's not going to be an easy road, we are going to struggle but we are going to be home.  Our kids will grow up in our home.  When things get hard with Doc we can surround ourselves with the love of our family. 

I wont be alone. 

Hopefully things will be better, we wont have as many bad days.  If there are I will have the support of those that I love the most.

We don't have a time line, nothing is actually official yet but I was having a hard time talking about anything else without getting this out there first. 

a great day

Today was really great, I don't really know why because nothing was really different but everything just came together.  I miss Doc, but with him gone for just a short time I feel like I can breath a little.  If it was any more than a few days I would be having a harder time but this is just perfect.  He called today when he went into a cell service area and he said that I should see if my neighbor wants to go into Scottsdale this weekend to get away for a day.  I have no desire to go to Scottsdale, why go to a mall when I can't afford to buy anything?  But what he was really saying - and you can think I am nuts for reading into this but I know this man very well - was "thank you for doing this on your own and not complaining and you deserve a break". 

Even before his injury he had a hard time conveying gratitude and some other emotions.  Again, it was something I knew about him and accepted.  His childhood was a nightmare, more than a nightmare, he has blacked out several years of his life.  Him telling me to get away for an entire day, even if I have no desire to, is something really all I need.  What I do is a lot of work, what I do is hard, I do it on my own for the most part, he gets it and he appreciates it.

I told you, small bits of distance are magic for us.

The other great thing about today was TC, her attitude was just great today.  There were no timeouts, she didn't throw any tantrums, she listened to me and we had a fun day.  We went int the pool this morning, she played with her baseball, running imaginary bases.  She really got a handle on blowing bubbles.  Then she ran around with her big rubber ball, throwing it in the air yelling "basketball!"  I love me little sports fan.  We were out there for about an hour, then it was lunch (which she ate!) and a nice long nap.

We learned quickly that the grass gets HOT, sandals are a must even when in the pool.

It seems so simple but some days we just can't get on the same page, I said the other day that she is just like her father - she is.  She is stubborn and she like things her way, its like she decides some days that she's just going to not get along with me all day.

Little A slept through our outdoor time which is good because 90+ is a little hotter than I think she should have to deal with, she has a thick layer of fat you know!  When she did get up she wouldn't let me put her down so I took the chance to utilize the self timer on my camera and take some pictures.

I am working on getting more pictures with this one since I realized I have almost none.

TC picked out Little A's dress, she brought it to me this morning and said "pretty dress?" so I couldn't not put her in it.  I love my girls, they really are a lot of fun.

And, I will be the first to admit, when I am doing this on my own I am really realizing that Doc might not do 50% of the work he does help and it's a lot harder without him.

these girls, oh boy!

TC has always been an entertainer, since she discovered she had the ability to make us laugh she has been on.  Now that she has a little sister she always has a captive audience.  I just love seeing them play together no matter what my day has been like seeing this is an automatic smile. 

It may only be a few days but it is killed Doc to leave them, I think watching them has the same effect on him as well.

TC currently has an obsession with Adele, she wakes up asking for her and sings along.  Several times a day she will stop what she's doing and sing "remembeeeeeerrrrrrrrr"it's so cute.  She loves building with blocks, mixing the colors and shapes into interesting sculptures.  She is fresh, so fresh, I'm still deciding how to deal with it, currently I am ignoring the behavior and only acknowledging her when she tones it down.  She's a drama queen, several weeks ago she cut her toe, she limped around the house like she had a cast on her leg.  Now she insists that she has a booboo on her toe at least twice a day.  She is her father's daughter and I am so glad for that.

What is there to say about Little A?  She is a big ball of chub with crazy hair - actually it's a lot like me in high school.  She will be 5 months in just a few days if you can believe that.  She's wearing 9-12 clothes, part chub and part cloth diaper.  She loves her daddy and her sister, I think she thinks I'm just the wet nurse or something.  She's still strictly breast fed and waking at least once in the night for a late night snack.  She refuses a bottle so I am her bitch.  She is so laid back, maybe that is just a second child trait but she likes to watch what ever her sister is doing and if TC throws her a smile she's a happy kid.  She holds on tight when she's happy to see me, nothing like those early baby hugs.

I really don't know what I did to get such amazing girls, and man are they lookers.  I am already dreading the teen years.  I think we will have to pull out all the R@nger memorabilia so the boys know exactly who they are dealing with in Doc.

3 Donkeys heading to the playground.

In other news, I've been hearing about the wild burros for months, seriously donkeys just roaming around.  I finally got to see some last night, Doc was on his way home from a house call and he called me out to see.  There they were, roaming around the housing area.  Crazy!  So in my Arizona adventure I've seen a lot of lizards, a road runner (meep meep), wile donkeys, horseflies the size of my fist and all I have to see is a jackrabbit and I will be happy.  Doc has seen (and snacked on) quite a few so I guess I need to roam around the desert at night.

with low expectations

Doc has never been big on holidays or birthdays, growing up they just weren't important to him.  I've always known this about him but hoped it would change.  If it didn't it wasn't a deal breaker for me.  Well it hasn't but he's done a good job at faking it for me in the past.  Since his injury everyday is a surprise, I don't know who is going to wake up next to me so I've learned not to put much stock into a specific day, if we get a good day take it because you never know just when that bad is is going to hit.

We had a pretty good week, we were due.

Last year I was pleasantly surprised on Mother's Day with pancakes and bacon, a gift (that he actually wrapped) and a card that he did more than just sign his name to.  We had a good day last year.  This year I knew I would have to wake up to feed the baby but I wanted to go back to sleep and sleep in.  Little A got up at 6, I nursed her but she was up for the day and not long after TC was singing away in her room.  There is no way that Doc didn't hear.  I woke him up and he yelled at me for not going to be earlier, threw some f-bombs in there for good measure.  I went back to sleep.  I woke up an hour later from a dream that Little A had died, it was horrible and there was no going back to sleep after that.

All I requested for Mother's Day was to sleep in, a nice breakfast, a homemade card from TC and to take a picture together, all of us.  Sleeping in was a bust, I came out to find 2 pieces of cold bacon for me the rest I made, he didn't even attempt to make a card and he said no pictures until he loses another 10lbs (seriously).

I should have known, I don't get appreciated on a regular day why would he do it on a day that is supposed to be for mothers?  When this happens I curse him for not just sucking it up and faking it for me and then I feel guilty.  I have no idea what he's going through, it's so easy for me to tell him to suck it up.

By the end of the day we were fine, it was like any other day, I took care of 90% of the kids' needs and he played video games.  But we were able to talk and laugh so it wasn't all bad.  After the girls took their naps they watch the end of the final Harry Potter with me (you can send my mother of the year trophies directly to me) and Doc snapped this picture which I think will be one of my favorites for years to come.

He's going away tomorrow for most of the week, he's dreading it but I am excited for a much needed break.  The comings and goings of his past life in Rgr Bat were hard but they were normal.  Life without little breaks is hard to get used to.

Oh and don't bother trying to break in while he's away because we have this guy to protect us, don't let his fancy necklace fool you.

Don't you just love the random stuff laying around in pictures?  Are you wondering what the ice pack is doing there?

I truly hope all the mothers out there had a wonderful day. 

Military Spouse Appreciation Link Up

I'm linking up with Riding the Roller Coaster and Household6Diva for the Military Spouse Appreciation Day meet and greet blog hop.

My name is Amber, Doc and I celebrated 7 years of marriage this past December.  We married 4 months after we met and everyone thought we were crazy.  Here we are, 2 kids later still standing.

We came from Massachusetts I lived in Rhode Island during and after college.  I was 25 living independently and happily when Doc came into my life.  Apparently he's super charming because I turned my life upside down for him.  On our first anniversary we finally moved in together.  We had a crap hole apartment in a not so great part of Fayetteville while Doc trained at Ft. Bragg.  From there we went to Ft. Lewis where we spent 4 lovely years.  We moved down the coast to Arizona where Doc is working at the Free Fall school - I can't even tell you how hot Yuma, AZ is!  Holy hell, 115 in the summer! 

It hasn't been an easy road, we were living our dream and then one day overseas Doc was in an accident and suffered a TBI.  In the two plus years since that happened our life has been turned upside down.  He had to leave the special operations unit he spent 2 years training to join, where we spent the past 4 years on top of dealing with TBI symptoms daily.

Around these parts you will find me talking about what it's like on the other end of a TBI, life at our new (and extremely small) duty station, adventures raising my beautiful girls TC (2) and Little A (5 months).    Basically if it is on my mind when I have a moment to blog that is what I talk about.

hot button issues

Oh boy, what a week for soapboxers this week has been.  There are so many views on so many things and I love a lively debate with thought out arguments and educated  opinions.  I respect people clinging to religion if that is what they want to do but I do not agree with people hiding behind religion to mask their own evil hatred.   Anyway, below you will find how I feel about gay marriage, birth control & insurance, and the Time magazine cover.  I am not claiming to be an expert in anything, I am not saying my way is always right and I am not saying I can't be friends with people who disagree.  I know I try to keep things pretty neutral here but I am just kind of fed up.

Gay marriage, love is love is love is love.  If two people have been lucky enough to find each other and want to wake up with each other, laugh with each other, grieve with each other, fight with each other and dream with each other who are we to stop them?  As Americans we should all be equal, it says so in the constitution.  It wasn't long ago that people weren't legally able to marry outside of their race, imagine if people just sat back on their own small minded butts and let that continue?  This isn't a "gay" issue this is a civil rights issue and everyone should see the injustice.

Here is where I talk about the bible which shouldn't even be a topic, we should have a separation of church and state...

I get it, people want to talk about the bible, how in Leviticus it says being gay is a sin.  Well if we are going to live our lives exactly as the bible describes we've got a lot of changes to make.  But the bottom line is this, if you believe in God you believe God created everyone in his image - are you saying God messed up when he created gays?  And if that is going to be your stance you should know that above everything else we shouldn't question God and we let him be the judge.  Oh I could go on all night...

Birth Control what century is this that this is even an issue?  This is pretty much short and sweet, people don't want insurance to cover birth control because they don't want to be responsible for the women of the country whoring around.  I can understand with health care and government getting all intertwined it gets fuzzy, you don't want to pay for someones pills because you think premarital sex is wrong.  I don't have any numbers in front of me but I am going to guess that the amount spent on pregnancy prevention is just a drop in the bucket compared to what the country spends to treat obesity, cigarette/drug/booze issues.  So you feel like you shouldn't have to pay to keep someone from getting pregnant, well take a look at yourself, are you making lifestyle choices that maybe I shouldn't feel like paying for?  It's health care, period.

Time magazine, well you certainly accomplished your goal now didn't you?  Everyone is talking about the image of the hot mom breastfeeding her larger than average 3 year old while he stands on a chair.  Congratulations, I am sure you will sell many magazines further driving a divide between moms on this weekend that should be celebrating all forms of motherhood.  I strongly believe this wouldn't be so outrageous if the mother was not attractive.  Personally, I think breast feeding is great, if that is what you want to do.  I nursed TC for 13 months and 2 weeks, I stopped before I was really ready but she was.  I would have gone until she was 2, I will nurse Little A as long as she wants.  I do not think formula is poison, I don't think using it makes you less of a mother. 

I wish the media would stop pitting mom against mom.  We are doing the best we can.  And moms, stop buying into it!  So your friend is totally organic, cloth diapering, bed sharing, home made clothes Super Mom whose home has never seen a dust bunny while your huggies are covered in formula powder and your floors haven't seen a vacuum in weeks.  Are both of your kids happy?  Are they healthy?  Thriving even?  Give yourself a break and give the mom next to you a break (obviously unless she's doing something dangerous) it hard molding young minds and luckily there are many ways to do so. 

That's it.  That's how I feel.  Just love each other people. 

second day in a row

For the second day in a row I got a kiss before he went to work, yesterday it was me today it was him.  Doesn't sound like much but before yesterday I can't even tell  you the last time we kissed.

Hard to believe this was us once upon a time.

2009 - Home from deployment #2, happy and healthy.

things I love (for my floor)

A few weeks ago I wrote about how much I love bedtime, it's a big puffy hearts kind of love.  This week bedtime is even sweeter because Doc is working nights and I have the house to myself.  I know it sounds horrible but right now I need this break so I am going to enjoy it guilt free.

Since I'm feeling warm and fuzzy I will share with you some other things I love right now.  No I am not getting paid for any of these but if anyone sees this and wants to send me free product in return I wont say no (I'm looking at you Dyson, I would love a hand held...)

First up is my floor care army.  Next time I'm feeling warm and fuzzy I'll share some other stuff that makes me happy and my life easier.

It wasn't long ago that my pregnant ass was complaining about vacuuming and I would only do it once a week, if that.  Well my friends all of that changed when our tax return came in and this entered my life.

This my friends is a Dyson DC41, we bought it on sale but even if we hadn't it would have been worth every penny.  It is so easy to use and beautiful to look at, I almost never put it away because I use it every day.  What I really love about it is that it is amazing on my tile, I never need to sweep and these tiles are uneven and annoying.  

Speaking of the tile, I stated off trying to keep up with this tile using a Swifter WetJet, what a pain that was and I just almost half a bottle of that foul smelling solution each wash.  Now I have this:

A Shark Pro Multi Steam Pocket Mop, it's so easy to use and all I need is water to clean and disinfect.  I feel better about not throwing away the pads and those bottles from the solution.  Most importantly is that it works, the grout is even looking better which is great because what is now black was once light tan.

Finally for the floor is the old and trusty SpotBot.

This isn't the exact one we have, we bought ours when we were training the pup back in 2007 but what was great for house training a dog is even better for potty training a toddler.  Put it on the stain press a button and walk away.  What's better than that?  You can also use it to shampoo your couches. 

heads up

I am thinking of letting Doc's aunt in on what's really going on.  She's amazing and we had a great friendship before I moved away to live with Doc.  It looks like we will be looking at a med board way sooner than originally planned so we will be back home much sooner.  I am afraid that this new person is going to catch everyone off guard or that they wont see how he really is now and I will be blamed for any hardships that we have. 

Moving home brings on so many other stresses I think letting her read my blog will help ease her in and will give me someone to talk to.  She's someone I can tell these things to and know she wont judge him. 

It's such a big decision, once it's out there there is no taking it back.  I need advice, to share or not to share...that's my question. 

In other news, today was a good day. 

A realization

I am pretty sure that he's pushing me away in an effort to make me leave.  Not because he doesn't want me but he doesn't want this for me.

It's not going to work, I know he's in there.  How can I witness this and not think he's in there.

MilSpouse (first) Friday Fill-In

1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
Doc's been a TBI fueled nightmare all month, I could have done without that. 
 
2. What was your favorite thing that happened in April? 
I would have to say starting morning walks with my neighbor. 
 
3. What are your plans for Memorial Day?
No plans at all.

4. Have you ever traveled Space A? If yes, where… if no, would you ever try it?
I haven't and would only try if I could go somewhere without the girls.

5. What are you looking forward to in May?
Hopefully a happier household.

this is hard

I feel like he hates me, I know he just has a headache and whatever else his TBI is causing but it doesn't make it any easier.  He barely talks to me, mostly just to criticize or demand something from me.  He is really bad right now, usually he has his bad days followed but lots of good times.  We haven't laughed together in...well I can't remember.   He's in the bedroom and was cracking up watching Conan, it shouldn't but breaks my heart that I can't get that right now.

I keep reminding myself that this isn't him, it's not.  After I'm done reminding myself a voice pops into my head telling me that girls learn about relationships by observing their parents.  I would have never picked a man who made me feel like shit, who demanded things and I would never want that for my girls.  But what can I do?  It's not him. 

I'm not saying I have thoughts of leaving, I don't.  I just have this constant internal turmoil, I can't relax anymore these thoughts consume me.  I just want him to be better.  I don't want to worry because he's said a few things that lead me to believe he wishes he would have just died overseas.  He would never do anything stupid, I'm not worried about that. 

He is seeking treatment right now, in fact he has some emails he wants me to read.  I haven't yet and that is going to piss him off too. 

I don't know where to leave this so it doesn't sound so desperate but the baby is crying - duty calls.

nice afternoon

Yesterday I took the girls into the back yard for some sidewalk chalk/bubble fun.  Usually when we go out it's so TC can play in her pool but I decided to switch it up.  She just loves being outside, I wish we didn't live in such a hot place because as summer approaches I am not sure that we will have a chance to be out much. 

Such concentration, this was fun because she figured out that you don't put the wand in your mouth you blow into it!

Little A had a big day, finally rolling over a few times.  Hey it's not easy when you're not only huge but fighting against a bulky cloth diaper.

deep thought

Our little slugger, she love to play base ball and when you ask her she'll tell you she's rooting for the "said sox".

He is so good with the girls.  We really lucked out when he chose us to rescue him.

I miss clouds...

So far I've been pretty good about changing things up which is nice, TC is responding well.  It's just so hard when Doc is in such a bad place, he needs to spend more time with her so she stops acting out when he's around but I'm having a hard time finding the words so it doesn't sound like I'm attacking him.  TC and I (and Little A but she's kind of along for the ride at this point) can have a great tantrum free day but the moment he gets home and decides to play video games and not with her the day is shot.  Video games are not a new thing, pre TBI Doc played more than I likes too but it was something we could talk about.  Post TBI Doc plays even more when he's feeling like crap and it's tunnel vision once he's going.  It's his escape I guess, I don't think he realizes from whom he's escaping.