the couch is looking good (a pregnancy rant)

I am almost done trying to sleep in the same bed as Doc, I love the guy but I NEED to sleep.  I can't remember how far along I was with TC when he deployed but I remember despite being sad that he was gone I was so excited to have the bed to myself.  And that was before the wonderful TBI induced sleep habits.  Lately he sleeps in the middle of the bed on his side facing me.  And in addition to the ceiling fan he has a small fan on full blast facing the pillows.  I hate it, I have been so congested with this pregnancy that I have to breath through my mouth at night and the fan is causing chapped lips.  He needs it to sleep. 

There are 2 ways I can sleep at this point, on my side or on my back (although back sleeping doesn't last long), I would love to switch from left to right but if I sleep on my right I have him breathing directly in my face, gross.  So I lay awake for hours in my sliver of the bed with the 2 fans blowing on me while he blissfully sleeps the night away.  Then he wants to give me crap that I get to stay in bed until 8 (on a few good days) while he has to get up for PT at 6.  Sorry buddy but that's the only times I can  lay comfortably! 

Something has got to give, I need my sleep just as much, if not more than he does right now.  I think the small fan has got to go and I am going to start waking him up when he moves from his side of the bed.  He has offered to sleep on the couch but that's not really fair.  I just know that we have at least 11 weeks left of this and not sleeping is killing me. 

The main problem is that I don't think he realizes how bad it really is for me, he doesn't understand why I have no energy.  Maybe I would have some if I could get so friggen sleep!

At the same time I feel bed complaining about this, my sister has been trying since June and still hasn't had any luck.  Today was supposed to be a test day but her period came yesterday.  I was so confident about this cycle, she had some random spotting last week which I thought was very encouraging since it's not normal for her.  I know 4 months is not really long but when you think about our family she's kind of the odd woman out.  My mom had 5 unplanned pregnancies, 2 of my older sisters had 2 unplanned babies each and all I had to do was just think that I wanted to get pregnant and I was.  The good news is that she's not discouraged but she has said if it doesn't happen after a year they will just give up.  That makes me very sad, I know she wants a baby. 

a new doc

No, I'm not trading my husband in, he has his flaws but he more than makes up for them.  I finally met with my new OB today and I was pleasantly surprised.  Due to my last experience with off post OBs at Ft. Bragg my expectations were very low.  This doctor was great, he took time to talk to me and answered all of my questions and he was sweet to TC.

The practice it pretty big so out of the 6 doctors there there is one at the hospital 24/7.  That makes me very happy, many times you hear about unnecessary intervention because the doctor is getting impatient.  TC came quickly but there is no promise #2 will as well.  My mom likes to remind me that my sister D was here in 4  hours while it took me 36 16 months later. 

The baby is doing good, nice strong heartbeat but as I suspected her little feet are dancing on my cervix and her head is bouncing off my ribs.  If she's still this way at 34 weeks we will have to talk about our options.  Also, for some reason they have be due on Dec 21st which we decided to keep, we really want her to be here before the first of the year and sooner EDD will make that more likely.  I'm all for limited intervention but if I hit EDD +7 I will be ready to reach up there and pull her out myself (too much?).  To be honest I really would be surprised if I make it to 40 weeks, maybe it's because I already had a baby but I'm feeling about 32 weeks right now.  Don't get me wrong, I want her in there until she's fully cooked but I don't know if that will be her plan.

Since I am so far behind I need to get my gestational diabetes test and find the baby a doctor by the end of the week.  I was waiting until Oct to really concentrate on getting TC her doctor because the new PA coming here might take children.  I guess I can sign up off post then switch later.  Next week we can sign up for a hospital tour.  Holy shit....it's happening so soon.

This past weekend I got most of the boxes out of the baby's room, all of her clothes are organized by size and the swing, bouncer and PnP are all set up.  The PnP just needs to be moved into our room but we can wait until Doc's dad comes out for that.  He'll be staying her her room in the twin bed we are buying TC so once he leaves we can bring the chair and maybe even the crib in there.

So that's where we are, I'm feeling really good about #2 joining our family and soon.  She just needs to do her part and flip to head down.

a loss

I was going to have a good post today until I saw an Army Times headline.  It's so hard to find things out like this but since we've left the battalion I guess this is just how it's going to be.  Doc learned he lost a friend, a good kid only 22 years old.  Doc is processing and we wont talk about it again but I know he's hurting.

Our new life is a compete 180 from our old.  No deployments, no constant training cycles, no 5AM work calls with 12AM returns.  But with that there is no real community feel.  Even though I never met this young soldier who was killed I feel the loss because he was part of our family.

I think I will always feel this way, we were there for four years, that several deployments, 2 command changes and 4 fallen heroes, and many other wounded. 

I know things got dicey for us as we were leaving and that sucked but I'm not letting that define our experience there.  When they lose someone, we lose someone.

Rest in peace, thank you for all that you gave.

*note, I am leaving out the name and details because I don't want this to be searchable when his name is googled*

back to boring

We had planned to drive to San Diego today to check out the zoo.  It's about a 3ish hour drive so not really that bad of a day trip.  Last night Doc said that he was having a bad head night so he didn't think we should go.  Fine, I don't want to go when he's feeling bad but I was really looking forward to a fun family day together. 

This morning he gets back from PT and I get myself out of bed and he said "when do you want to go?"  Ummmm what?  Had I know there was still a chance of us going I would have gotten ready last night.  TC needed a bath, there were grapes to be sliced, lunch to be packed, travel toys to be picked and rotated, laundry to be done (I only have about 5 things that I can wear)....so I am scrambling around to get everything done when suddenly I decided that we wouldn't get there until 1 PM and the zoo closes at 6 so nope, we're not going.  Such a bummer, we could have really used it but such is life when dealing with a TBI.  Maybe next week when his head isn't so "tight".

In other news, Doc finally talked to his dad today about coming out to watch TC when the baby is born (aka Christmas).  Doc said he should come 5-7 days before my Christmas Eve due date but I don't know - maybe a little earlier.  I am sure this isn't going to happen but I am feeling like I'm going to go early.  Maybe it's because I am so much rounder this time - in reality I would like to go a few days late, like Dec 28th so Christmas is over but if she wants to come early she should be a week early so we can still have a real Christmas.  But she's still heads up so if she doesn't flip we will be picking her birthday in the form of a c-section scheduling.

it got real up in here

A few nights ago I let Doc know dinner was done, set it out on the table, got TC ready to eat and waited a few minutes.  It would seem that once again TC and I were eating alone. 

Doc has stated that he likes to eat dinner right around 5 which is fine since TC goes to bed at 7 so I do my best to be sure that dinner is ready around 5.  I mentioned the other day that the new xBox hockey game came out, every year when the game is new it becomes a problem.  The main issue is that the game is in real time, he plays with a team against other teams all in real time.  He can't hit pause like in the super mario days.  He also wears a headset while playing so he can communicate with his team.  So he is focused on the came and talking over the the headsets which makes communication between him and me difficult.  I will try to talk to him and sometimes he hears me and answers, sometimes he hears me and ignores me, sometimes he doesn't hear me.  After being snapped at several times I only tell him things once, if he doesn't respond I assume it's a time he's ignoring me.

Back to the other night.  I told him dinner was ready and he didn't say anything.  I had just spent the past 30 minutes in the kitchen, and it was 5:00.  He came in and seemed surprised that it was dinner time and was mad that I was upset.  This was the third night in a row he couldn't come to dinner because of that damn game.  I had had it. 

Finally I lost it on him.  The tears came fast and furiously.  The thing about Doc is that he knows he's doing things that really bother me and he hates that he does it but he keeps doing it.  He has this great internal battle between his act-like-a-teenager self and his husband-father self.  He was telling me not to cry as his eyes started turning red, seeing me like that and knowing full well it was because of him.

It all came out, how much I hate that game when it interferes with our life, if he could get a handle on it I wouldn't care but he can't seem to.  I told him how hard this move has been, I am in a new place where I know absolutely no one at all.  Not a single person other than him and TC.  I can't go outside and try to meet people because everyone is still inside and it's too hot out there for my pregnant ass.  Then there was the pregnancy, I try so so hard not to complain, even to Doc.  I am so happy to have this baby, I am so blessed to be pregnant but oh my God it's hard.  I am in so much pain almost all day, I still can't eat what I want to eat and I have a toddler who doesn't understand "Mumma can't pick you up right now".  Before when I was feeling like this I would run away to walk the mall or Target alone, but now there is no mall and Target is 30 minutes each way.  The tears just kept coming. 

I've been trying to suppress my sad feelings about this move since we pulled out of Washington, one of those "fake a smile until it's a real smile" things but it's not so easy.  But I think my break down helped Doc understand a bit what life is like for me.

Yesterday was so much better.  I woke up feeling like I didn't have to pretend and it was great.  I told Doc that I was going into town and buying myself a KitchenAid mixer, finally.  Target had them 20% off which was $40 off!  Then I used my target card for an extra 5% off, I don't think I will get a better deal that that.  And I'm not going to be made to feel bad about it, it's the cost of 2 xbox games.

After I had my mixer (and 4 cans of pumpkin which my commissary doesn't carry) in my car I waddled over to the Regis Salon.  I just wanted to talk to the girls and get an idea of how they felt about a good blow out.  As we know, I haven't had the best luck with my hair these past few years.  They were both surprised when I told them about the issues I've had and said everyone there can work a round brush.  In fact, I could get in a chair right away if I wanted.  So I did and I am happy to say that I found a stylist!!  I got the cut I wanted a few months ago but the girls was afraid to use her scissors. 

It felt good.  I finally did a few things for ME.  I need to do this more often, it's just so hard now that we live in the middle of nowhere.

for a friend

A fellow blogger and all around nice person has lost her father.  Please keep Poekitten and her family in your thoughts. 

No matter where you are in your life losing a parent is beyond devastating.

Poe, if you read this, this is the poem we had on my dad's mass card and it really helped.

God's Garden

God looked around His garden
and He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth
and saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you
and lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful;
He always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering.
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never
Get well on earth again.

He saw the road was getting rough,
and the hills were hard to climb.
so He closed your weary eyelids,
and whispered “Peace be thine”.

It broke our heart to lose you,
but you did not go alone.
for part of us went with you
the day God called you home.

Author Unknown

sometimes it's the little things

There are so many trivial things in my life that put a smile on my face.  I get a little embarrassed by how something so insignificant can make me so happy.

When we first moved in here I got so excited about having a garbage disposal again, it's not a necessity in life but especially with a toddler it comes in handy (if you don't know toddlers like to combine liquid and solid food during meal time which can get very messy).   On the other hand I was really bummed to see that while the disposal is on the right side of the double sink the sprayer is on the left, why would they do that?  Doc doesn't understand my love for a disposal but then again he doesn't wash many dishes.

Also on my happy list about this house is the fridge.  Not only does the light inside work (and no it wasn't the bulb in the last house, I changed it) but we can keep the milk on the door and it wont go bad a week early.  Also, it doesn't groan like it's going to die every 15 minutes.  I can't even imagine how much of our electric bill went to that fridge in the old place.  The really big excitement here in the Doc house, an ice maker!  My husband is so good at using ice but somehow he can't grasp the concept of filling the trays.  I love not having that argument (and yes after asking for the past 6 years we full on argued about it).  It makes sense because the water from the tab here comes out very warm so no matter what you need ice. What small trivial thing about the fridge drives me nuts?  The door opens on the wrong side.  The counter is on the right but the door opens to the left.  I've seen that be changed on HGTV, I might ask housing to fix it.  The more pregnant I get the harder putting groceries away gets and every bit of help is appreciated.

This one I actually "squeed" when I realized - the light switch next to the garbage disposal, that turns on the UNDER CABINET LIGHTS!! Oh yes, not only do we have more cabinet space than I know what to do with but they have under mounted lights.  I don't know how I made it 31 years without this, I don't think I can ever go back.  The drawback of the cabinets, no hardware.  I would love to add some but I am not sure that would go over well at move out. 

And the latest exciting thing is that we finally have local channels on our Direct TV!  I was seriously bumming about missing my shows (and not having PBS) but just in time we have them. 

With all that makes me crazy in this world I love having these little luxuries.  Makes me feel better about being stuck in AZ for the next 3 years (well these and Doc's non deployable job but that isn't trivial at all!).

Finally, I am going to leave you with some pictures.

26 weeks, I am so much bigger this time (but have gained less weight)

She can do no wrong.

 

my thoughts on Princesses

There is one princess in my house and it's my cat, that's her name and she acts like one.  She thinks she owns the place.  When I first found out that TC was a girl I cringed every time someone called her a princess.  She's not a princess, she does not come from royalty and she most defiantly does not rule.

I really hate the whole "little girls are princesses" movement that's been going on.  I know it's not really a movement but I can't think of another word.  Along with princess add diva, rock star, boss....all of those things.  We are telling our daughters from the moment we find out that they are daughters that they are princesses and can have whatever they want.  Then we bombard them with princess imagery from every angle.  Is it any wonder that little girls are growing up so fast and with major attitude problems?

No I don't think your 6 year old daughter giving you sass is funny and when you constantly post about it on FB it makes me wonder about your parenting. 

I know it doesn't all stem from princesses, I blame the parents who give into their child's every desire but I see that more with "little princesses" than just daughters.

Here's my issue, I love Disney movies.  I did contemplate for a moment not allowing them in my house but quickly pushed that thought out of my mind.  Sure it's OK if TC wants to relate to one of these girls a little but the more I think about it the more it makes me cringe.  For the most part they are all the same girl, they need to fall in love and be rescued from all of their problems.  Until their knight shows up they will just wait, helpless. 

Ariel - if she didn't fall in love she would be seaweed

Sleeping Beauty/Snow White - basically the same thing, if they weren't kissed by a prince they would lay lifeless

Jasmine - had to marry a prince in the next three days, it didn't matter who he was

Even Nala and Sarabi - Without Simba's help they couldn't overthrow Scar when really it was the lionesses who defeated the hyenas.  What did they really need Simba for?

I saw the end of another one of my favorites yesterday, Beauty and the Beast and when I thought about it this one wasn't bad.  First, Bell isn't a princess, she isn't looking for love.  She's perfectly happy reading her books hanging out with her father.  It's the beast who needs to find love, it's him who needs rescuing.  And she fights for him, that's pretty bad ass. 


Now, I don't think a little princess play is a bad thing, I have a friend who has a daughter who will wear her princess dress over her super hero costume - that's a nice balance. 


I just hate the thought of teaching our daughters that we just need to wait around and a prince will rescue us and we will live happily ever after.  Happily ever after is possible but it takes a LOT of hard work which really makes it more gratifying.

hanging in there

TC has been sick for the past week, I have no idea what's wrong with her.  She's not pulling on anything or indicating she's in pain but she's had a temp of 103 for several days.  Now that I am a seasoned mom I knew she just had a virus that would run it's course.  The fever finally broke today but was replaced by some random rash.  Again, it doesn't seem to bother her so it doesn't bother me. 

I love that kid but damn it's so much extra work to take care of a sick kid.  She's just so clingy and pathetic.  I jumped at the chances to snuggle with her on the couch when I should have been vacuuming or something meaningless.  She only has a few more moths as an only child and I don't care how much dog hair piles up, I am not going to let these moments pass.  But it does mean that my house it a total disaster and I'm finally catching up on all the work. 

I really want a beer tonight.  I know that a Sam Adams Oktoberfest from a tap would be the most amazing thing I've ever tasted at this point.  The good news is that the fall brews will still be fresh come December, I just need to pick up a case and make sure Doc knows not to touch it.  hmmmmmmmm frosty mug..... I will settle for a grapefruit. 

I was finally able to make an appointment with the doctor recommended to me.  But it's not until the 28th.  That's a long time between appointments but I'm a healthy girl so I'm not too concerned.  Little A has stopped moving so much, it freaks me out a bit but as soon as I lay down at night she gets busy.  I can feel her kicking my hipbone which is totally weird, TC never did that.

Two nights ago I woke from a dead sleep to serious cramping.  I freaked out, Doc was out cold so I didn't wake him but I did download a contraction counter on my phone just in case.  After about 30 minutes it turned out that I just really had to go to the bathroom (TMI?).  God that was scary,  While I was in the bathroom I managed to knock over TC's shampoo and it spilled all over the floor.  Seriously, is there anything that is a bigger pain in the ass to clean off of a floor?

Yesterday I bought a table that we can all sit at together.  Before we had a bar height pub table, perfect for Doc and me but not for a family.  Now we have 4 chairs and we can use the old chairs at the breakfast bar.  But the most exciting part is that we were able to move TC into the booster part of her high chair.  Tomorrow that thing goes into the garage and wont come back out for quite a while. 

I think that's pretty much it.  A lot of randomness.  I hope once TC is feeling better I'll be back to normal too.   Maybe I'll even make some friends!  Now that the weather is cooling off people are emerging from their homes. 

hockey & head injury

Some of you have been around these parts long enough to know that my husband is a hockey addict.  No, he doesn't play anymore - well at least not real hockey.  He loves xbox hockey, in fact I had a post about it in 2008.  He still plays with those same guys.  Other than me I think it's the longest relationship he's ever been in.

Today the 2012 game came out and Doc pre ordered it and went into town as soon as he was off work to pick it up.  He's really been playing it all weekend, he signed up for some service where he can play some sports games before they come out.  Yea, he's 30.  It makes him happy and for the most part it doesn't get in the way of our lives, when it does I shut him down.

When we got our orders here one of the first things Doc did was check the Bruins schedule to see when they would play Phoenix, sorry dude it's December 28th.  I am due the 24th and think the 28th would be the best day to have her.  If she's here by then and there are tickets available then he's free to go other wise there is no way, it's 3 hours away and I had TC quickly.

What does any of this randomness have to do with head injury?  Well so far nothing.  Doc played hockey in junior high and high school during which he sustained several concussions.  Add those to the few he received during army jumps it's not a surprise that the last blow did so much damage.  I'm not blaming his injuries on hockey or the army, it was an accident it happens during deployment. 

I've mentioned how hard it's been for us to watch what's going on with Marc Savard because what he is dealing with and has talked about publicly is a lot like what Doc has been dealing with.  The only difference is that Savy's bosses weren't making him feel like shit for being injured and pushing him into getting back to work.  The sad truth is that he is not returning to hockey this season and most likely will never play professionally again.  For him it's called post concussion syndrome and not TBI, I'm not sure what the difference it, maybe something to do with whether or not he lost consciousness.  After the Bruins won the cup watching his interviews was heart breaking, the look in his eyes was the same look Doc has when he talks about what he used to do.

It's so sad to see this happen, Sydney Crosby is also dealing with this.  I am by no means happy that people are getting hurt, it's heart breaking because I think about what they and their family are going through - no matter what it's a life changer.  What I would love to see is some of these high profile athletes partnering with some of the soldiers who have been quietly fighting the very same fight.  TBI is the signature injury of these wars I think it's time we have some faces to associate with it.       

My 9/11 storry (repost from last year)

*after re reading I realized I had the times wrong last year so I edited that*

Me and my roomies 01-02

This is long and very personal so I understand is not everyone reads but I think it's time I put this down so I always know what that day was like, everything about that day.

I looked back and was surprised to see that I hadn't posted this before.  It seems that we all know where we were, what we were doing and how we reacted the on September 11, 2001.  The day has a whole extra element for me because I was horribly violated the night before.  I thought the most I would have to worry about that day was dealing with being date raped but I would soon find out that wouldn't be the case.

I remember stepping out of Hall 10 on campus around 9:45 EDT.  It was one of those perfect fall days where the warm sunshine mixed fall air in a way that you only find in New England.  I tried to appreciate it but my head was swirling, what was I going to do about what happened the night before?  I wasn't even sure what happened - I said no over and over but I didn't scratch or scream or really do anything other than cry.  With that on my mind it's not surprising that when I heard the girls talking about the plane crashes I only half listened and assumed it was a new movie or something. 

It was clear that word had not spread on campus yet, the rotunda was bustling as usual, the Greeks were in their spots, the jocks in their spots, the student government in their spots and the rest of us filled in the holes.  Class went as scheduled, Business Law I think - the professor made no mention to what happened.  At 10:50 when class was dismissed I made my way back to the rotunda to find the entire student body gathered together watching the tiny TVs in horror.

I couldn't believe it, the first thing I did was call my sister at her school outside of Boston, I knew her boy friend was flying out to California from Boston but I didn't know what day (remember 2 of the flights were non stop from Boston to LA).  He was safe.  I made my way over to another building on campus and once again the students were all brought together watching in disbelief.  There were hugs and tears and terrified faces.  Many of the students were from New York and New Jersey, our campus was just 50 miles south of Boston - this was happening in our back yard to people we love.

I spoke to my mom, my siblings, my stepmother.  I wanted nothing more than to call my father because he is who I turn to when horrible things happened but he had died 4 months earlier.  I remember feeling helpless and terrified.  I wondered about my brother who was stationed in Japan with the Marines.  I will admit that I didn't know where Afghanistan was so I looked at a map and wondered if he would be sent.  I couldn't imagine someone I love being sent to war - it was just impossible to wrap my mind around.

I got back to my dorm and talked to my roommates about it all, we were party girls at the time.  We were just getting to know each other but this brought us together in a way we could have never imagined.  I called my office in down town Providence, we were open so I went to work.  Radio stations had stopped playing music and people were just calling in and talking.  It wasn't the angry anti Muslim crap we hear today, it was from the heart words of love and fear.  At this point flags were at half staff.

In the office the phone didn't ring, no one was thinking about commercial real estate.  The agents were watching a little black and white TV with a bunny ears antenna.  I spent most of the day on my phone and in tears.  At one point Providence officials were searching for a suspected terrorist who ran off a train, thank God it was nothing.  I learned that a friend had not heard from his brother who worked in the North Tower.  It was the longest 4 hours of work.

By the time I left the office at 5 EDT there was an obvious mood shift.  The radio was playing music, songs about peace, songs about country, and songs about heroes.  The flags were back up and being flown proudly.  People had started putting flags everywhere they could.  The unity that I had seen on campus was spreading to down town Providence and across the country.

I got back to school quickly because most offices had closed and there were few cars on the road but people weren't speeding, people weren't cutting each other off, people were being respectful.  Without planes flying it was quiet.  I still felt lost and scared.  My roommates and I decided to go to a chapel service that night.  The priest told us that he really didn't know what to do, what do you say when something like this happens?  He said that when he doesn't know where to go when seeking God's guidance he starts at the beginning so he read from the book of Genesis.  I don't remember exactly which passages he read but I do remember for the first time in over four months I felt my father's presence.  I had heard about it from other people who lost people but I knew I hadn't experienced it.  It was what I needed at that moment.  It was reassurance that alive or dead when I need him he would be around.

Later that night my friend's brother made it home a hero.  The intercom in the north tower told everyone to stay put but he knew better and being the loud Staten Island boy that he is got his entire office out of the building safely before the tower collapsed.

In the days and weeks to come campus was on lock down.  Classes were welcome distractions.  Our school lost two alumni, one of which was from my home town and very close to a close friend of mine.  Flags popped up in every dorm window.  There were still parties but they were patriotic parties, I know it sounds weird and disrespectful but is how many people coped.

As for me I decided not to do anything about what happened the night before.  My brother went from Japan to The Philippians but would never go to Afghanistan.  In 2005 he was one of the Marines taking Fallujah and has since retired from the military.

we have a lot to do

Taken on Wednesday, 24.5 weeks

 I am officially 25 weeks today (and about 13lbs but who's counting).  That means we have 15 weeks left.  Her room is still just a bunch of boxes and a pack n play.  I have managed to wash and hang the clothes up to 3 months.  I forgot how much I loved some of those outfits, I can't wait to see them in action again.  We aren't buying a new crib but we do need to buy TC a bed and mattress.  Lucky baby, she's born and TC is the one getting new stuff.  I really don't care, I will do as many hand me downs as I can for as long as I can.

What's going on with the little squirt? Apparently her eyes are opening a bit now, the What to Expect app says to shine a flashlight on my belly to try to get a reaction, yea probably wont be doing that.  She's should be around nine inches and 2lbs.  By the feel of things she's still feet down.  It's weird to feel kicks below my bump, doesn't she know that she should be in that baby bubble?  She hasn't been moving as much this past week, I am sure all is fine but it would be really nice to have a damn appointment. 

Yes I am still waiting for tricare to get my referral.  The PA said he would make is a rush and since I'm paperless it should have come through fast.  I think I'll be calling on Monday to light a fire under someone's ass.

So that's my baby update.  We're getting excited even if that's not what you're getting from the tone of this post.  I'm just not very gushy these days.  I'm getting a little uncomfortable, by the end of the night it's hard to breathe.  TC has had a mild fever the past few days and is super clingy which means a lot of picking her up and being climbed all over, she doesn't get it at all.  I have caught her staring at my belly lately and she has to have noticed that my belly button has all but vanished during her daily belly button inspections.  Once #2 starts moving around more it will be fun to see TC's reactions.

the gift that keeps on taking

Since Doc's injuries there have been changes that came and went (I say that like it was a quick thing) and there are changes we are still dealing with.  For him personally he still has really bad days with headaches and body aches.  He is still trying to get back to the physical shape and ability level he once was so proud of.  He went for a group run yesterday and kept up for the most part but towards the end he had to stop, it was to long and his head couldn't take it.  Too many push ups or pull ups and his BP skyrockets and he losses his hearing.  He has been working really hard and has dropped about 10lbs.  He said a few more pounds and he'll be running around the house in his Ranger Panties again...oh lord!

Then there are the things that directly effect me like the lack of deployments, the job change and move to the middle of nowhere.  But there is one that really gets me, his sleep.  Almost anyone who shares a bed with a TBI patient will tell you, sleep is totally different.  When Doc is out he is dead to the world.  He has no awareness of anything around him.  This didn't happen right away, it was maybe about 6 months or so after his injury.  At first he was just out every night but then when sleep became more difficult and he started taking sleeping pills everything else started.  He's been off the sleeping pills for quite a while now but he still has no awareness of me even in the bed. 

I've woken up with his arm across my face, with him in the middle of the bed hugging my pillow, with him kicking me.  Before the accident our queen bed was perfect but now I don't even thing a California king would be enough.  I deal with it because I am not about to have separate bedrooms, it works for some but I know it would be our downfall.  I can deal, I'm a big girl, if he is annoying me I just push him back to his side of the bed.

As we get closer to my due date I'm realizing that what we did with TC is not going to be an option for #2, we bed shared for about 6 weeks and after that she came to bed with me after her middle of the night feedings for about 6 months.  Now, even with all the safety precautions a responsible bed sharer does there is no way it's possible.  We will still co-sleep for a while, meaning she will be in our room but she will have to be in her pack n play.  I'm pretty bummed because TC hated sleeping in the pack n play (which is how the bed sharing started).  #2 will just have to get used to it, there really aren't any other options. 

Stupid injury messing things up even 2 years after the fact!  But he came home...no matter what changes this has forced us to make, he came home.

picture post

TC has been adjusting really well to the move.  She's such a happy kid, just give her some food a place to play and a pile of books and she's good.  Once the temps drop more we'll be able to spend more time outside but for now we are pretty much homebodies.  We did head across the street to the splash park the other day, TC had a good time, so did Doc.

She's all about cheesing out for the camera, if she sees it this is the face you get.

It took her a but to warm up to the park.

So Doc decided to stand her under the bucket so she could really get rocked.

Doesn't she look like such a big girl?  She likes to dance around in her crib after nap time.

Finishing my ice cream bar.

Relaxing with Daddy.

She wakes up so happy.

I've been wondering a lot what Little A will look like, I would love for her to be just as beautiful as TC but look totally different.  I am afraid that she wont be nearly as adorable as TC, that would be pretty crappy for her.  Growing up one of my most horrible memory was my aunt seeing my sister D and saying "You just keep getting more and more beautiful" before she noticed me then she added "You're pretty too".  I was about 12 at the time.  Anyway, I have been picturing a little girl with blue eyes and strawberry blond hair.  Obviously I have no idea what she'll look like, I would have never have guessed TC would look the way she does.  And if she's nothing like I'm picturing I will be just fine with that too but I would really LOVE for her to have my blue eyes. 

This is the exciting time in pregnancy when I can forget about the worries and day dream about our new little lady.  Now if only tricare would hurry up with my referral, I haven't seen a doctor since 17 weeks. 

A little help

Doc is home so much more now with his work hours.  When he's home that means he's making a mess.  He is not so good about leaning up after himself. When he's home I have much less time to get my regular house work done, I hate cleaning while he sits around because it makes me feel like a maid.  I've talked to him about needing more help, especially as I get super pregnant but he's not hearing it.  I remember when I first stopped working, because I wasn't going to work it became even harder to find motivation to do other things.  Maybe that is what he's going through and it will pass.  I hope.  He is working just about 1/4 of the hours he was working.

Dinner is the biggest issue for me.  I'm back to not wanting to eat anything yet I still cook.  So I make dinner for Doc and TC, sit with them while they eat then I clean it all up.  WTF.  Does that seem fair to anyone else?  Even when he cooks for himself he leaves me the dishes.  If the dishwasher is full he leaves them on the counter.  Yesterday I felt like I had been run over by a 747 but still spent an hour scrubbing the kitchen, cleaning the pans I had left hoping he would step up and wash them himself.  The rest of the day I spent trying to hydrate and keep the room from spinning.  He made brats for lunch (boil then BBQ) which I was able to eat.  He then made pollo Asada for dinner which I could not eat.  When I was feeling up to some noodles, the pans were dirty from re fried beans and rice.  I told him that I already cleaned the kitchen once I wasn't doing it again.  He retorted with "I cooked for the family you should clean".  Sounds reasonable right?  I think so and have been trying to make that argument for years.  I asked him to clean up after himself and he soaked the pans in in the sink and piled everything else on top of them. 

He better snap out of this soon, I don't know how much longer I am going to physically be able to keep it up.