the fight

First of all, thank you so much for the support after last night's post, it means the world to me.  I guess I shouldn't have been so vague when I said he crossed a line, in the moment I didn't realize how bad it sounded and the fight was really just so stupid. 

We were arguing about American Idol.  Yes, you read that right.

I DVR it because I know he hates it.  I tried to watch on Thursday while he was playing video games, the girls like it and I didn't think he would care.  He told me to turn that shit off, that show is all that is wrong with America (whatever that means).  So I told him not to be such a dick about it next time but fine, I would turn it off.

Yesterday he was up early with the kids, he didn't sleep much the night before so he was up anyway.  While I do appreciate an extra hour of sleep it wasn't like he went out of his way so that I could sleep until 7, he was already up.  All morning I had to hear about how I got to sleep in.  In don't really consider sleeping until 7 sleeping in. 

Mid morning Addie went down for a nap and Doc decided to nap on the couch.  I have told him countless times that if he really wants to sleep he needs to go to the bedroom, I can't spend all of my time making sure the girls leave him alone.  He was sleeping so I turned American Idol on again.  TC woke him up and again he demanded that I turn that shit off and he went on for about five minutes about how stupid the show is and how stupid I am for watching it (as if I don't need an escape) and how dare I put that on while he is around and basically waking up to that show was the worst thing that ever happened to him. 

I told him not to make demands of me, if he wants something to ask.  I am not here just to do as he wishes, I am not his employee.  Apparently I am wrong again.  He knows that I HATE that I don't contribute financially, I've tried and there is nothing here for me, even retail is hard because I don't speak spanish but with his schedule as crazy as it is child care would be a nightmare.  He looked at me and said, "yea well, who bought the TV?". 

Oh no he didn't!  When we bought that TV we used his bonus but I was also working a job making more money than him.  But this is what he does when he knows that he has no leg to stand on, he hits me where he knows it will hurt the most.  That is the line he crossed.  The you-are-a-worthless-leach-who-sucks-our-account-dry-with-your-student-loans line.  I just couldn't be around him after that. He is supposed to love me not do whatever he can to hurt me. 

There are some things that should be off limit. 

I hate to do this but...

[source]

 Things are hard right now.  He's just so - I don't even know.  He's in a lot of pain and having a hard time with impulse control.  He's wonderful with the girls, when he's with them, but with me not so much.  I can't do anything right.

I am struggling, grasping at anything, glimpses of who he really is but they are few and far between these days.  Today he really crossed a line and I left, I woke Addie up from a nap and packed her and TC in the car and left.  Not before I told Doc that I loved him but I couldn't be around him at that moment.  The girls and I went to Target and ate gross Pizza Hut pizza and did some shopping and had a lovely afternoon.

We came back and things are better, for now. 

On my way into town Tim McGraw's "If You're Reading This" came on and shamed me into remembering how lucky I am to have him home but I am still a mess. 

I hate to ask but I am reaching rock bottom here, please keep us in you thoughts/prayers/good vibes list/whatever you do.  I could use all the positive energy I can get right now.  I am just so alone out here.

cut throat musical chairs

I am down, a miserable cow to be around. 

I was praying that TC would act out this morning so I could tell her that we weren't going to MOPS.  She didn't so we did and ugh, that place with most of those women is just insufferable.  Today they had a birthday party theme which was cute, there was games and painting and fun things for the kids which was nice.  I do appreciate that people put a lot of time and effort into those meetings, don't get me wrong but most of the other moms there are not people I would chose to hang out with.

The kids played musical chairs and all the kids were knocked out of the game happily, of course they got bummed when they lose but they got over it quickly.  The mom who was helping by pulling out the chair each round helped her kid cheat - at a game of musical chair - totally pushed another kid out of the way so her son could sit.  And she thought it was so funny.  The next round when her kid was knocked out of the game he threw the biggest fit that I've ever seen over this game.  Then he kept trying to drag a chair into the circle.  The mom was like "I don't know what he does this".

Oh really, you can't think of a single reason why your kid would be a sore loser? Really?

I guess this is why we live in a participation trophy era.  You know what folks, your kids are most likely going to lose more than they win in life and unless you want the crawling home crying when they are 30 you better start preparing them now.

I am not a perfect mom by any means, I know I do things that others look down on but I would like to think that when my girls enter the real world they will know that you can't always win and sometimes when you lose you have to count on only yourself to pick yourself up and try again.

the pick me up I never expected

I don't hide my love for the band O.A.R. it was just last week I was telling you about the tickets I bought in hopes that I would be living back home.  The other day I told Doc that I have decided that even if we aren't living back home I will fly home (for free thanks to my swagbucks) alone and go to the show anyway.  He thought it was a great idea, maybe I could look around for places to live while I was there.  Super exciting right?  As much as I want to be home and as much I was would miss my girls like nuts I wouldn't hate a few days just for me.

Well, here is the exciting part, I took to twitter to announce my exciting news - I got excited and had to share.  Well, just look what happened:

I almost died, like really - I thought you would have to pick me off the floor and bring me back to life.  I thought maybe someone in the band would see it, maybe but really only linked to them because I think everyone should know who they are and love their music.  But to have the lead singer offer this...to me?!

Dead.

A few things that I do know about O.A.R. and their support for our troops:

• They played a USO show in Iraq and Kuwait in 2007.
• In 2010 they partnered with Mission Able for a PSA.
• Their song War Song gets me every time.
• They are now my BFFs.

This kept me smiling all weekend.  Really, something so small and easy for them to do but really touched me. 

Only 123 days until showtime.

not me

I told Doc that a dear friend of mine is close by in San Diego, she invited me to a caregivers conference which I had to decline because I can't leave Doc alone with the girls for any extended period of time.  He laughed and told me that I am not  a caregiver.

That is one of my biggest struggles.

I have the hardest time putting myself in that category.  My husband came home on a commercial flight, there was no blood, no hospital stay, no immediate life disruption.  I can't even start to put myself in the same category with these amazing spouses but I am something. 

I have talked about it before, I am just so lost in all of this.  I can't leave my kids alone with my husband for more than a few hours let alone overnight - that's not normal.  I don't always know the man laying next to me in bed - that's not normal.  I've had him come at me out of anger - that's not normal.

I never cleaned wounds, I never helped him to the bathroom, I never bathed him.  I can't imagine the strength needed to do these things, how one gets lost between nursing and wifing (you know the act of being a wife, my blog my words!). 

There are things I have had to do, I've had to remind him to bathe, remind him to go to work, sort through countless pill bottles, watch him nearly die from medications, go days without sleep.  I've made excuses for his horrible behavior -  to myself, our kids, family, strangers.  I've had to "shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some." (That one is taken straight from the Ranger Creed).

I will let him think that I am not a care giver if it helps him.  I would hate to add more to his plate, he may just choose to look past all that I have done.  I am sure it would really help me if he acknowledged all that I do and have done.

Some day I will get MY time, some day.

got me a dress

Disclaimer: I did get a gift card from White House | Black Market but it came with no strings attached and I wanted to blog about it because I thought it was such a nice thing for them to do.

Way back in November I was contacted by many folks and asked to share military discounts with my readers, I love a discount so of course I accepted.  One of the nice folks was Kristen at White House | Black Market, I was really excited about that one because I love that store.  In my correspondence I told her that I wish I could take advantage of the discount but living in the middle of no where I don't have a store near by.  I really thought that would be the end of it, I was just saying it to complain about being stuck in Yuma (per usual) but she offered to send me a gift card so I could shop from home! 

Yes please!  I was totally surprised and excited. 

I had been holding on to the gift card for a while, while the winter clothes were super cute I live in the hottest city in the country (for real, it's been confirmed) so I wanted for the spring line.  After stalking the website daily I found a dress that had to have and luckily for me waiting meant that I was able to actually go to a store since Doc has had appointments in San Diego.  Our last trip I picked up this number.

It doesn't even matter that I am makeup free, you're looking at the dress (which has pockets!).  I was going to link to it on their website but it seems to have sold out.  Spending money on a quality dress (this was $170) is not something I do, I usually dress my kids well and find a sale rack special for my self so this experience was extra thrilling. 

Thank you so much White House | Black Market, you really made me feel special and I will remember that the next time I need a new dress.

my brats

My girls will never remember life as an army family, while they will be spared the heartbreak of goodbyes they will also never remember the pure exhilaration of homecomings.  They wont see daddy looking his handsomest in his uniform and I doubt they will ever cry just because the national anthem is playing.  There will be almost nothing of this life for them, well nothing good - they will live daily with Doc's injury.

I think I am going to put a little memory box together for them, Doc's name tape, ranger scroll, some 2/75 PT shirts, a framed picture of Doc and me from his first homecoming...When they are old enough I will share it with them, try to explain what it was like and how proud they should be of their father.

Without the army who knows how our lives would have turned out, would Doc and I ever gotten married?  In just a few months it's all going to me over and for the girls it will be like it never happened.

better

Things are much better over here.  Doc has gotten whatever was causing his horrible moods in check.  Thank God.  Unfortunately this last set of injections isn't working as well as in the past, he is still icing his head daily.  I am sure that the stress of everything is contributing.  There is no escaping this stress, you should see my complexion!  (No I am not going to show you.)

My sister isn't helping either, "So you really have no idea when you'll be home?"  "You should just come home now and get everything settled" "Where are you staying when you get home?"  All these questions that we have no answers to, if we did she knows she would be the first to know.  Of course the thought of going home early has been thrown out there but I have seen families do this and then the process gets pushed back to square one and it takes way longer than anyone expected, Doc has already missed so much.  It's not not worth it to me. 

I have started the purging process, there is no way we are bringing all this junk home with us.  I feel like going around the house with post its, pink for trash - yellow for pack - blue for goodwill.  Perhaps it is still a little early for that...

Image via http://i.qkme.me/616i.jpg

making plans

I know that once Doc's paperwork is ready we will be swiftly kicked out of the army, jobless and homeless.  Exciting thought.  This is the cause of almost all of our stress and why things can be intense here.  Add in Doc's finally quitting tobacco for good (you may remember he only started because it helped his headaches) and that was the reason for his outburst last week.  A reason, not an excuse - nothing excuses the threat of violence.

I am trying to focus on the positive, I even bought concert tickets for a show in Boston in July.  I am praying that I will be home to use them.  I have talked about the band O.A.R. many times (read here to learn how this band is responsible for Doc and I meeting) and I've seen them live 17 times, almost all of those shows I went to with my BFF from high school, she moved away from home a few months after I did and she just moved home!  When I texted her asking if she wanted to go to the show she had just turned on the OAR station on Pandora - talk about meant to be!  So as of now I have a date for a night out with my friend that I haven't seen since 2007.  I couldn't be more excited.

Fingers crossed that we are back in town by July 27th - I really need this night out!

bloglovin train

Since Google thinks everything in my life needs to change they are getting rid of reader (and eventually iGoogle).  I'm cool with reader going, I can never keep deleted blogs deleted.  Anyway...follow me on   Bloglovin.

Follow my blog with Bloglovin

I hope to see you there!
 

oh what a sneak!

At MOPS today a few minutes after I had just told everyone about Addie's decision to never walk Addie, not knowing that I was watching, stood up in the middle of the room and walked over to a baby she wanted to sit on.  She did it like it was nothing, like she does it all the time.  I bet she does.  I bet whenever she and TC are playing in their rooms Addie walks around all the time.  She doesn't do it for Doc and me because she knows her time as a baby is over.

Tonight she was playing with a toy in the living room and stood up and walked across the room, toy in hand.  Doc just said "what an ass hole, she didn't even struggle to do that".  He's with me, she's been messing with us.  (And no, he doesn't really think our daughter is an ass hole, please don't read it like that!)

I, of course, cried tonight as she toddled across the room - I have wanted this for so long but it doesn't mean it's any easier to see your baby start to walk.  Before long it will be her walking into her first day of school...off on her first date...across the stage to pick up a diploma...down the aisle at her wedding...into L&D to have her own kids...(you know if she wants all of these things).  Those first real steps are nothing more than steps away from me.

I have two husbands

I know I shouldn't post a blog like that last one then go dark for a few days, I am fine.  Doc and I are fine.  There are days when he just isn't the man I married, he's someone I don't know.  I feel like I should give this other guy a name, so it's easier to separate the two.  When I look into his eyes and I don't recognize the person looking back at me I can just say "well it's just Dr. Evil here for the day, don't listen to a word he says when he is cutting you down".  It's the truth, he almost never remembers what he does or says on those really bad days. 

I would never wish this on anyone, not seeing the man you married when you look at your husband is excruciating.  It cuts deep.  You can tell yourself all day not to listen to him, but when he tells you how stupid/ugly/fat/whatever-he-knows-will-hurt-the-most you are you can't help but listen.  When he looks like he is going to hit you it doesn't matter who he is that day, a bruise wont go away just because he's not himself.

My kids don't know the difference, their dad is their dad.  They see the way Dr. Evil treats me and to them it's their dad and this is what a marriage looks like.  All I can do is pray that it's not like this for long.  I married an amazing guy and we had a marriage I would have been proud for any kids to want to emulate.  One day we will all sit down and talk about it, about what is OK and what isn't.  About why he does certain things.  I just hope by the time they are old enough for that it's not too late. 

Wonderful

Doc has never laid a finger on me out of anger. He has never been so angry with me that he couldn't control himself. There have been a few times since the accident that he has come close. One of those times was about 2 hours ago.

I just don't know, we were joking around and he threw a book at me that scratched my arm and I overreacted a little and said "WTF" and tossed it back at him. He got up and came at me, I just said defiantly "what, are you going to hit me now?". I knew he wouldn't. I knew in my heart that he wouldn't but I was still scared, afraid that maybe this would be the time that he did and my kids would see it. If I hadn't said anything he may have, sometimes he doesn't really know what he's doing until it is pointed out to him.

I haven't done anything right these past few months, I am constantly reminded that I am a bad mom and I always get my way. I suck the fun out of everything. I even had the nerve to get sick and not go food shopping.

I'm just so tired. For a split second I thought if he did hit me it would give me a "get out of jail free" card and I could pack the girls up and put all of this in my rear view. But that isn't what I want, not at all. I am just so tired.

His packet was sent in for review today, who knows what that means. This just needs to be over. I am just so tired.

I can do that too

We decided to go to Ikea while we were in San Diego so we knew we should take my SUV over Doc's sedan the only issue is that my battery died a few weeks ago.  I left a light on and combine that with the fact that the Yuma heat takes 3 years off of the average life of a battery it's kind of surprising that I haven't needed one sooner. 

Now this would be a job for most husbands but not in the random house.  Doc is the one to call if you have a sucking chest wound or shatter a bone but if you want anything mechanical done, or a shelf put together, or a door hung, you call me.

I was pretty impressed with myself, although Doc did help with the lifting, those things are heavy, I did the rest.  It isn't that hard really, losses a few bolts here, tighten them back up there and you're done.  I love that TC came out and watched me working on the car too, I want her to know she can do anything.  Just as I was finishing up tightening the last bolt and feeling pretty proud of myself my ratchet made some sort of negative to positive reaction and made a huge spark! I nearly peed my pants but I didn't feel the shock. 

There really is no point to this post other than to let you all know that I am pretty bad ass and I can change a car battery.

Hotel hell

Addie is currently crying herself to sleep in the bedroom of our little hotel suite. I really hate hotel stays with kids, there is no easy way to make it work. Doc has his appointment for his head injections tomorrow so it will be worth it.

I've been sick the last few days but his headaches have been really bad so I didn't even get to BE sick.

Oh well, someday we will live in a land where seeing a decent doctor doesn't include a trip out of state, out of the time zone, and 6 hours in the car.