housekeeping updates

I am working on better ways to connect with my readers, I try to keep up with as may blogs as I can but even with that I get things and people jumbled.  I started a facebook page and a pinterest page. 

The facebook page will be a good place to actually interact.  Please come on over and we can get the party started. 

Pinterest will have recipes and crafts that I have tried and loved, if I haven't tried it myself I will keep it on my personal page until I have a chance.  I will also pin other things that I think have something to do with what I do here. 

And as always you can find me on twitter @randomarmywife. 

So join in if you like.  Next I need to figure out a better commenting system...

that moment when you can't believe what your kid just did

Yesterday my neighbor was nice enough to come over with a bottle of wine, the kids could play and we could try to relax.  It was just what we all needed.

She has a baby a few weeks younger than Little A, this baby was sitting on the couch playing with a toy that TC likes to use as a phone.  TC took the toy and I told her to give it back and she was refusing, I told her again to give it back or she would have to go to time out.  Nothing.  I counted to three and finally TC threw it, point blank, into the sweet baby's face!  For a moment time stopped, TC made a horrified face, when I picked up my jaw I yelled at her to get to time out and of course the baby stated crying. 

First, other than a little booboo and being very startled the baby was alright.  TC ran to time out and stood there still as a stone until I reached 60.  I got down to her level and asked her if she knew why we do not throw things and why we need to think about thinking about her actions.  I then had her apologize.  What else can I do?  I felt awful, horrible - my sweet girl.  I know that she does throw things from time to time, when she's frustrated or not getting her way and we are working on it but this I didn't think could happen.

I don't really know what to do about this.  She is 2.5, she gets frustrated.  2 year olds are not always going to think through their actions.  I don't know if I should attribute some of this acting out to Doc being away, maybe some of it is really on me for being wound up a little tighter without him.  Perhaps I just need a sign on the door "beware of toddler".

I work hard with her on choices, I do my best to always make choices available.  Even this time, it was give back the toy or go to time out, I think it's important for her to work things out on her own but had I just take the toy from her hand she would have cried but wouldn't have acted aggressively.

Really I am just heart broken that my sweet girl has it in her to hurt another human like that.  After seeing her face - eyes wide, eyebrows up, mouth wide open, tongue pulled back - just frozen, I can only hope that she learned her lesson and will never do that again.

I guess my question is, at this age do you vary the punishment as the infraction varies?  She does something wrong she goes to time out, if she wont stand in time out she goes in her room.  Does a child her age put things together well enough to know that one infraction is worth an extra minute in time out?  I am trying to be consistent, it's wrong to draw on the floor, it's wrong to talk back, it's wrong to throw things at people, at 2.5 can one of these things be more wrong?    

like a good bra

via http://www.our-big-day.co.uk/index.php?act=viewProd&productId=291

Support, if you are going to succeed at anything you need support and it can come from anywhere.  When I started this blog years ago I had no idea how amazing the military spouse blogging community would be and you all continue to amaze me.  When Doc was injured you never questioned me or chastised me for complaining.  You never made me feel that he wasn't "hurt enough" for my reactions.  I can't even tell you how much it means to me.

When I became a mom it added a whole new dentition to my life and blog and because of this I have met so many more amazing women.  I've been able to connect with moms with and without military connections which I love. 

When I am at my lowest I can come here and let it out, I don't do it for comments or use buzzwords to up my readership I just like to have a place to let it out and document.  It does help to know that when I feel alone in the world that there is at least someone out there who knows how I am feeling and reminds me that one day this will all just be a memory.

These last few days the support has been overwhelming, I have been nominated again for Circle of Mom's top 25 Military Moms and as I type this I'm in second place!  I can't tell you how wonderful it makes me feel.  If you would like to vote feel free to head over and give me a click.
  

In other news, Doc will be home in a week, I can't wait!

a little chat I had with Doc

Doc called this morning, he's off today and his friend busy so he called a lot this morning but that's not the point, during his first call Little A started screaming and, as she often does, TC decided to play "who can scream louder", I don't think I need to get technical on the rules of that one.

Doc: words about something that I couldn't really hear

Me: What?

Doc: something something book for TC something something cheeseburger something....

Me: (Teagan do you need time out, we do not scream) I'm sorry what?

Doc: Yea, I'm just going to call you back in a little bit when things calm down.

I get it, I would have done the same thing but I just laughed and said "alright..." My jealousy of his Keys beach vacation TDY grows everyday but at night, when I look in on my sweet girls sleeping in their beds I am reminded that I am the lucky one, I get to see these sweet girls every day. 

When I discover that there is baby poop in my hair hours after the last poop filled diaper I do try to pull a freaky Friday and switch bodies with him, for just one day.

stick it!

The year was 1992, Amanda and I spent almost every night for two weeks glued to a tiny 13 inch TV inside a camper in Plymouth Massachusetts.  This is when I feel in love with the Olympics. 

I've mentioned before that I spent my entire summer vacation camping from age 4-18.  It was an amazing way to grow up and watching TV was defiantly not something we did a lot during the summer but for the Olympics we made an exception.

We fell in love with the gymnastics team, we couldn't believe when Shannon Miller didn't get the score she needed on the vault to beat out Tatiana Gutsu (EUN) for the all around gold.  We spent the rest of the summer talking about how they were robbed. (Watch here, you decide who should have won.)

Four years later we were all glued to our sets to watch another amazing team, and of course THE vault.  I still tear up when I see it.

http://i.cdn.turner.com/sivault/multimedia/photo_gallery/0806/playing.in.pain/images/1996-kerri-strug.jpg

 

It's not just the gymnastics, it's the diving, the swimming the volley ball, the field hockey...it's the competition.  Sports and pride in country, two of my favorite things - to say I am excited for tomorrow's opening ceremonies would be an understatement.  And when the gymnastics competition starts up you better believe that while I may be 3000 miles away from her, in my mind I will be sitting in a tiny camper with Amanda in my head, I bet I hear phantom bull frogs in the distance too...

pinning - dinner time

Doc likes dinner, he likes a nice tasty dinner every friggen night!  I grew up eating a lot of grilled cheese and spaghetti so I really didn't have may ideas for dinner.  Thanks to pinterest we now have a few new and fun regulars.

Bourbon Chicken, yum! 

img from http://www.macaroniandcheesecake.com/

I was a little nervous because I don't like ketchup and even though in my mind I know when it's one of many ingredients I wont taste ketchup I psych myself out convinced that it's going to be a big ketchupy mess and I never try it.  I am so glad I tried this, now I have this on my 2 week rotation.

Cinnamon Chili Roasted Sweet Potatoes

I made these for myself the other night, I just didn't use the white potatoes and cut the spices in half.  Well Little A decided that she had to try them and could not pile them into her mouth fast enough.  I was surprised, first because they are spicy but mostly because she hasn't been eating solids for very long and this is the first thing that she just had to have.  So if you let a 7 month old pick your side dishes this one is for you. 

Slow Cooker French Dip

img from realsimple.com

This is a Real Simple recipe so you know it's good.  I have tried it with a few beers and found Left Hand Milk Stout was perfect.  Doc has an onion allergy so I never cook with them but this was just as yummy without.  Also, remember that not all slower cookers are created equally, I had to try 3 times before I figured out how long to let mine cook since we like it rare.  Also, it's a lot of fun to watch a 2 year old try to dip her sandwich.

PF Changs Mongolian Beef 

img from sixsitersstuff.com

I'm not going to lie, I have never been to PF Changs so I have no idea if this is a good copycat but I can tell you that it's yummy.  I am not going to lie, it's a lot of work but worth it.  This one pops up at least once a month.

These are just a few of the many recipes that I have tried, if you like this let me know and I will post more.  I am not a food blogger and I am not trying to pretend that I am (that's why I didn't post the recipes, I don't want to try to take ownership for other people's hard work) but I do like to share a good thing when I find it.

Perhaps I should create a pinterest account just for this blog...
  

you just never know

I found out today that my brother and sister in law are getting a divorce.  They have two kids and have been together since high school.  I just shocked and so very sad for my little brother and the kids.  Obviously you never know what goes on behind closed doors but I do know that this is not what my brother wanted and he fought for his marriage but she just didn't want it.

She's always been a bit (a lot) controlling in the relationship but that was something he could live with, we all make compromises.  I guess lately she just shifted, she started working out and lost a good amount of weight, got a promotion at work and changed locations and started pushing my brother away.  She would talk down to him so badly in front of their kids that he would leave so the kids wouldn't have to see.

She only lets him see the kids when she wants to go out and the last time she told him that he couldn't even stay in his own house!

I should have known - I kind of did but didn't want to believe it, she started posting some weird stuff on facebook which made me scratch my head but I let it go.  When she skipped out on my sister's shower I knew something was up.  Recently she posted that she was going on an ice cream date, she's not even legally separated!

Like I said, you never know what's rally going on but the way I've been told she acted, just trying to push my brother away it seems like maybe she was dating (or at least talking to) someone else already.  The good news is that my brother is now working with a lawyer and will be doing his best to get his kids and house.  He really wanted his wife but she has no interest.

Never a dull moment, I am praying for strength for my brother and his kids.

not for me

I never in a million years thought that I would be a stay at home mom, it never interested me.  I also never pictured myself married to a soldier living on the west coast.  I pictured myself married to a guy who wears a suit and and read a newspaper before work.  But here I am, and I have loved every moment that I've spent with my girls.  I have been so blessed to witness pretty much every single one of their firsts.  I think I may be burning out.

Now that TC is two and a half it's getting really hard and I seem to have inherited my father's patients, or lack there of.  I am thinking that maybe it would do her some good to be in a daycare setting with a better schedule and more kids to play with.  I know I've talked about missing going to work everyday here before.  Wearing pencil skirts and pointed shoes.  I miss contributing financially to our family, we could really use it.  I just miss having an identity outside of wife and mom.

The problem, aside from the lack of jobs here is East Hell, Mexizona, is that I am not ready to leave Little A.  I love that she still nurses on demand, I love that she nuzzles her forehead into my shoulder when she's ready for a nap.  She's only 6 months (and a day) old and I'm not ready to leave her.  So here I am, obviously I am not going to send one to daycare and keep one home so I am just going to have to "ranger" up and work on my issues.

But this might all be coming up because TC is acting like a crazy child with Doc away.  He's been gone for a week and a half and we still have about 4 weeks to go.  She misses him something fierce and that breaks my heart.  I hate hearing her ask for him, I think that she thinks that I am the one keeping him away.  But, once he is home and we are a family again it will be like these five weeks never happened.  By the time this is posted Doc should have had his first session in the hyperbaric chamber so fingers crossed that it goes well, if so it will be well worth it.

I am so glad that I was home to witness this moment between my girls, enjoy.

a tenth

My sister had her baby on Monday, it is incredibly hard to be so far away at times like this.  I am so happy for her and her husband and glad that he decided to come a few weeks early, she was so uncomfortable.  I am pretty sure that she was in labor for at least 2 days even if she was sent home from the hospital. 

This nephew brings my niece and nephew count to 10!  Craziness.

All day I kept going back to the day that TC was born (read how horrible this sister was here) and as the hours passed with no phone calls, no updates I was tempted to give her a taste of her own medicine.  I joked that I should call her hospital room frantically asking what was going on.  But I am bigger than that.  When she called I was super excited for her, I asked her if she wanted me to make any phone calls and she said that her husband was making the calls.  Wonderful, I had myself a little happy cry and checked the dreaded facebook.  I swear facebook causes more harm than good but being so far away it's the easiest way to keep in touch.

My BIL's cousin had posted when she heard about the birth and tagged D in the post, when this happened after I had TC D is the one who lost her mind and caused issues with me and my entire family, Doc still wont talk to half of my family because it this.  I nicely emailed this cousin and told her that the phone calls were being made and I asked her to take it down, she totally understood and was glad I said something, it was a non issue.  If D was so upset about it when it happened to me I really didn't want it to happen to her.  I post a status on FB (but hid it from D and her husband) that you don't post someone else's news on facebook and that was it.  I wasn't planning on bringing this up to D for a while, if ever.  I guess one of D's friends asked her about it so I explained to D exactly what happened and she was mad at ME?!

I can't f'ing win (and why this friend didn't just ask me I have no idea, we are friends too).  Here I am, I can't be there with her like we both really wanted so I did what I could to be sure things were as perfect as they could be for her but nope, I am the problem.  We both let it go for the sake of our relationship but I am once again reminded that this is how she is.  This is how she will always be unless being a mother really changes her. 

Someday we will have family event with out drama, I hope.

caught with my pants down

Oh desert living, there are so many things that I hate about living in the desert but right behind the oppressing heat is the creepy-crawlies.  There have been poisonous snakes in yards (not a regular thing but still) a neighbor found a baby scorpion in her house(!), and then the other bugs.  Even desert bugs don't enjoy dry 115 degree days and they seek refuge. 

Over a week ago TC grabbed a new roll of toilet paper and unrolled a bunch of it, I am lazy so I balled it up and placed it on the counter next to the sink.  The next morning I had to use the bathroom so I walked in, grabbed the roll (plus bunch) of TP and did my business.  As I was sitting there breaking off so paper I was attacked, viciously.  A cockroach the size of my face (alright, it was about 2 inches long) came falling out of the balled up paper, and I swear it had a gun and a gang tattoo.  I screamed like a little girl and bounced around my bathroom with my pants around my ankles.  I am sure I looked like a crazy lady that you would find living in a subway station. 

That little f'er scurried along the bathroom floor and out of site.  Before you start thinking that we are a dirty family with roaches I assure you we are not. I even confirmed it with the bug guys on Friday, this type of roach is just looking for a break form the sun and some water.  Seeing a few just means that we have a few in the house from the drains or the vents.  This little guy came up the sink and make a home in the TP when it saw lights coming on.  At the moment all of my drains are blocked.

I blocked off the bathroom and left it for Doc to deal with, he hates it but I am so afraid of those things.  I know they wont hurt me but they are scary looking and way too big for my liking. 

Doc's been away for a week, any bugs that come into this house are my responsibility.  I did see one last week, I am a coward so I took my old vacuum and sucked it into there.  The bug guys assured me that without water it will die.  Fingers crossed that I have seen my final intruder of the season, my house has been sprayed but the old vacuum is ready - just in case.  I am afraid that TC will find one and try to play with it, she brought me a rolly polly type bug wanting to pay with it because she thought it was Buzz Buzz from Mickey Mouse Club House - gross.

If I do happen to see another I really pray that my ass isn't out.

can I get a time out?

Tomorrow will be one week since the girls saw Doc, I am hoping that week two is where we find our stride.  TC is pushing and pushing...I don't want to snap but she seems determined.  Jack and Coke Diet Pepsi is helping.

I am just frazzled, I will snap out of it.  Tomorrow is a new day. 

I miss my husband dearly.  He misses his girls, he misses all of his girls.  And honestly, look at these girls, I can't be frazzled for long.

big sister

It's taking time but TC is really coming into her own as a big sister.  She's always wanted me to take pictures of her and A but now she's thinking more about her needs.  Now when A cries, or even whimpers, TC says "baby's hungry, time to feed baby".  She then finds the boppy pillow and brings it over. 

Little A needs to be constantly entertained (or so her sister thinks), if TC isn't able to "play with sister" she will be sure Little A has every toy in the house.  That is, of course, only if Little A doesn't pick on of TC's favorites, in that case TC was rip it from her and play with it immediately (for 10.2 seconds the leave it just out of Little A's reach).

Before bedtime TC must kiss and hug her sister.  If A is napping TC asks "where's sister?" constantly.  She rarely calls her by her name, she knows it and occasinal with say "where's dare?" but prefers to call her sister.

I couldn't be more pleased with how she's doing as a big sister.  I have a hard time when I am nursing (which I still do frequently since the 2 times I've given A solids she is not interested) TC gets into everything.  Today she was playing in the toilet (which I had just cleaned this morning thank god) then she grabbed the disposable cleaner head out of the bathroom and tried to put it in her mouth!  She's never gone into the trash before, I almost died.  This issue is a bigger issue when Doc is away, as he is now so lucky me.

She's obviously not perfect, sometimes she plays to rough (and she knows it).  Sometimes she hits and is selfish but sometimes she sees A laying on the floor after a diaper change and goes over with a blanket and lays down with her.  Sometimes she pulls A's hair in retaliation to having her hair pulled.  Sometimes she gives her sister a kiss just because she wants to.

All in all I am so proud of her, she is learning how to be a sister on the fly.  She was just 22 months when she was thrust into this role and has really thrived.  There are moments when I see them together and I catch myself crying because I am so happy with how they are getting along.  

the fear

I try not to talk about it, when the thought comes into my head I push it out as fast as I can.  The fact is that because of his injuries Doc is at risk of early dementia.  This, along with the depression, the frustration things can happen.  We're not talking about just poor quality of life, we're talking about no life.  I know I have mentioned it before but this war may take my husband years after his return.  If there is help for him he should get it.  It's not just to make him feel better because he has a little headache this is life and death.

I mentioned the other day that there is a chance that Doc could get some treatment that could potentially really help.  He's been trying to get this treatment for over a year.  In February he turned down a chance to be in a HBOT study because we had a newborn and there was no guarantee that he would even get treatment.  That study wasn't for him at that time but it doesn't mean that he wants to give up. 

Doc needed the flight surgeon to make some phone calls, this guy just hates to do his job.  He is also the only doctor on post so he's the family medicine guy, and he is horrible at that too but that's another story for another day.  Before he left Doc was talking to his boss to be sure the surgeon had made the phone calls necessary and Doc's boss told him that the surgeon really didn't think Doc was serious about wanting to get help so he wasn't making it a priority.

When Doc told me all of this I lost it, I try so hard to be strong in front of him.  He doesn't need the stress of my worry on top of everything else.  The tears started, this man, who has no idea what it's been like for us, who has never come close to dealing with anything that we've been through can be so flippant about getting him treatment.  I just unloaded the tears, the fear for our future, the foul language.  I would love for him to live a minute in my head, in Doc's head... 

And it's not just about him, it's the people at his last job who didn't believe his symptoms.  It's the doctor at the TBI clinic at Ft. Lewis who blew him off saying he's seen worse.  It's the guys who tried to shame Doc into pushing more than he was able by telling him "well you're still a Ranger so Ranger up".  It's everything.  Here is a chance for him to get help and once again we have some jackass deciding that Doc really doesn't want to get better.  I wish I could give him a big F-you but he's my kids' doctor and I have to play nice.

anxiety

I seem to be having anxiety about Doc leaving for a few weeks.  We've done it so many times but this time I am stressing.  TC is going to ask for him, she's going to act out when he doesn't come home after a few days.  She's going to mad at him when he finally does come back.

I was pretty crushed when I found out that he wouldn't have internet access, I was counting on Skype to help TC.  We will make due, he's never had Skype when he was away before (nope, not even on deployments).  This is only 2 weeks, we are hoping that he can stay there a bit longer but we will see how that goes.

He is going to another specialty school in FL so the instructors there can become HALO qualified.  The best news is that the school they are going to has a hyperbaric oxygen chamber and he's been talking to the guys there about getting some treatments.  It looks like it might really happen, they will use Doc as the patient to help guys get the hours they need operating the chamber.  You can read about how this treatment on my girl Cheryl's blog and her husband's reaction to his first round of treatment here.  I know he wont be able to get the full treatment needed to see maximum results but something is better than nothing and I hope it will give him enough to know if pressuring more treatment will benefit him.

All of that aside, I am still pretty bummed that he's leaving.  Last night I had a nightmare that he was sick and his only hope was a treatment that if it didn't work meant certain death.  I was getting ready to go to Afghanistan (but I don't think I was a soldier) so they were waiting until right before I was set to leave to treat him.  We spent time together (we didn't have kids) shopping and trying to act normal but I was constantly crying.  I remember in the dream that I was in the market looking at eggs crying and my sister saw me and I collapsed into a crying heap in her arms. 

He has deployed 3 times, he's gone on more 2+ week TDYs than I can count and I have never had a nightmare like that before.  Up until a few days ago I was still looking at his leaving as a welcomed break for myself from him and his quirks.  Now I seem to be afraid to let him go.  I hate the sinking feeling in my stomach but it is nice to know that it's still there after everything we've been through.
 

any experience with NICoE?

It looks like we will be heading to Walter Reed this fall to go to the National Intrepid Center of Excellence (NICoE) for about a month so Doc can receive treatment.  I have just started looking around to find out what we should expect but I would be silly to not ask if any of you have experience there.

We will be staying at the Fisher House which Doc is not at all excited about (common areas and social @nxiety are not the best mix).  I am excited for him to try to get more treatment and also to be on the east coast for an extended period of time.  Maybe it will be a nice cool fall month, God I hope so.  We should also be able to get up to Massachusetts for a bit (at least the girls and me).

If you are in the area and want to get together let me know.  I am excited for Doc to try something new for his head - I still dream about waking up one day and seeing that spark in his eye magically return.

heartbroken

A mother from another online community I am a part of will have to bury her beautiful baby boy.  They were in a car accident and he did not survive.  He was 11 days younger than Little A.

I am very angry, some accidents are truly that, unavoidable accidents but this was not one of those.  A car did not secure a cooler and when it came lose it started a chain reaction.  Take a extra few minutes to be sure you've secured your load, your carelessness can be devastating.  [edited to add] (If you don't read the article I guess you wouldn't know, the car in front of this wonderful family lost it's cooler and caused the accident.  There is nothing that could have been done once that debris was in the road.  I am not at all faulting the family of this sweet baby, not even a thought in my head.)

All day I've been trying to push it out of my mind but I can't.  My heart is in my stomach and my breath is short.  My thoughts are with the young parents.  I pray that they have the strength to do what no one should ever have to do.  I pray that they have enough people around to lean on for however long they need to lean.  I pray that they have the patients to deal with all of the stupid things people say to people in their situation when they don't know what to say.

Once again I am at odds with God, if this is his plan it's pretty f'ed up.

The story in the Yakima Herald

A memorial fund that has been set up in Milo's name to help with funeral costs and other expenses.  All that I am asking you is that you keep this family in your thoughts.