I played a dangerous game

I played the "try on the clothes in the back of your closet" game.

This was me the day I found out I was pregnant with TC.  I was heavier than I like to be but still this is me before having babies.

This afternoon I tried those pants on just for fun and they fit.  They fit better than they fit the day I took this picture.  Next up, the shorts I bought right after Doc's first deployment.  I think 10 more lbs and I will be there.

Could I be this skinny again?

I haven't been working out too much, I am still having a lot of back pain when I do.  I can't wait to really be able to hit it hard.

when being away sucks

My sister called me today a little concerned about her appointment.  She is 36 weeks and because of the gestational diabetes diagnosis she gets weekly ultrasounds.  I am happy to report that she kicked GD's ass and only has to test once a day and has also lost weight since she was diagnosed.  She's never had a high reading and has set herself up to finally get to a healthy weight again after her baby arrives.  I am so proud of her.  During the ultrasound today the tech noticed that her fluid has decreased but it's nothing to be alarmed about because it's still in the normal range.  Also her stress test that usually only takes 20 minutes took an hour because the little guy wasn't moving much today.  Of course those two things worried her. 

At her actual appointment her blood pressure was high, it's never high so her doctor had her lay on her left side and it went back to normal.  Because of the blood pressure her doctor sent her for blood work. 

I assured her that if anything was wrong they would have told her.  At this point the baby is getting so big there isn't much room for him to move around so that isn't a big worry either, as long as he's moving some.  That last month of pregnancy sucks, especially with your first, everything is scary and you don't know what to expect.  As I am talking to her about all of these things everything came out, she is convinced that no one in our family even cares about her or the baby.  My sister isn't a cryer but she cried.  There were over 100 people at her shower (it's a Portuguese thing) but only 5 were from our family. 5!  My brother's wife didn't even show up and she went to two of hers.  I guess she had to work but she's the manager, she makes the schedule.

Our mother who lives in Kentucky (my sister and rest of the family is in Massachusetts) hasn't called her in weeks.  She doesn't ask about the baby.  D's right, when I was pregnant with TC Mom called all the time.  No one has really inquired about when to visit her in the hospital or even mentioned it.

D and her husband want someone in the delivery room with them, her husband is a wimp and they would like some reinforcement.  I am the only one she would be comfortable with having.

I hate that she feels so alone in all of this.  I wish I could be there for her.  Last week we were talking and I told her about her shower and how much it hurt to miss it (and about my crying at the pictures and cursing at her friends) it made her feel better to know how hard it was to miss.  She told me she wanted me to come home and show her how to be a mom which was such a complement.  At the very least I wish that I could fire off some nasty emails to our family and tell them to call her but she asked me not to so I wont.

We always thought we would be moms together, our kids would be BFFs.  I miss her, I miss the dreams we had. Sure Doc knows that marrying him meant I would give a lot up but he really has no idea how much.

fathead review

I told you the other day about Fathead's sweepstakes for military families which I really think is great, and 5 winners a month is fantastic.  Fathead sent me a fathead of my choice to review for you so if you do win you will have an idea of what you're getting.  I (Doc) picked Zdeno Chara holding the Stanley Cup, and when it arrived we were both really excited to see how it would look.

The box was pretty wide so I knew it was going to be a monster, well I was right.

Everything all together took over almost the entire area rug.  We were excited to see that in what could have been negative space there were smaller decals including bruins logos, Stanley Cup logos and others.  We immediately hung one in the entry way (Doc wanted to hang Chara there but that was way too frat house).  The next big problem was finding a place to hang this thing, the website has the specs are 3.5" wide and 7.1" tall.  I decided to take a print of Fenway Park down in the sitting room and hang Big Z there, now I will never be alone when I prepare dinner.

I got dressed up for you all.

So what do I think?  I think it's great, if we had a dedicated sports room (like I've always dreamed about) it would be a little better but military housing hasn't quite caught up to my dreams yet.  The image was good, I wouldn't say it was excellent supper crisp quality but with a print this size you aren't really looking at it up close.  You can see by the pictures that it's perfectly fine from a normal distance.  The quality of the decal itself was great, we have a lot of wall decals for the kids and I can say this is so much better than anything that we've purchased at Target.  Hanging it was a bit challenging since it's 7 friggen feet tall!  I had Doc help me get it on the wall in the general place I wanted it and I straightened everything out and smoothed out any bubbles.  It came off and restuck to the wall very well, I don't anticipate any issues with the wall when we clear housing (move out for you civilians).

All in all I am very happy with it, and even happier that I convinced Doc that it did not belong in our bedroom.  Like I said in my Sweepstakes post, I wouldn't post about it if I didn't think it fit my blog and I really think what they are doing with the custom giveaway is a great thing.  If Doc was deploying I would love to have a giant him to hang on the wall, and it's vinyl which is easy to clean so if you're super frustrated with him being away you can even throw food at it (that's the kind of insight you wont get from the official website).

Now I am off to try to assure the pup that there is nothing to worry about and that he doesn't have to growl at the giant man hanging on the wall...

craziness

I had just put Little A and TC down and I was in the kitchen cleaning up when in walked Doc, he quietly started to - ready for this - WASH DISHES!  Yea I know, I had a mini heart attack.  Just to be sure that I knew he wasn't a pod person he did make a few comments about my boobs while he was washing.  When he was done he walked out and sat down and just started playing xBox again.

He's been pretty good these days, he had a major headache yesterday and I had to give him a shot but other than that things have been the same. 

He will be gone for a few weeks next month and we just found out that he wont have internet access, I am bummed.  I was hoping that he would be able to Skype with the girls, I know TC will have a hard time with him being away.  After all, Daddy is the fun one.

And because it's Wednesday (but obviously not wordless) here you go.

why sports?

There are few things that can unite a city, or a state, or even a country like sports.  Ask someone who won a game with their favorite team and odds are you'll here "we did" or "we lost".  We, without even a second thought that all they did was sit thousands of miles away and watch.

I know that many of you reading aren't as into sports as I am and that's cool.  I get that some people just don't get it, but for those that do it's a family.  Just like some could get lost in a marathon of The Real Housewives of Lipo-ville I can get lost in a 17 inning 1-1 game.  I was born into this, I am sure that as a summer baby some of my first days were spent in front of the radio listening to calls of balls and strikes.  It was the Sunday afternoons watching football with my father that gave us the relationship we had. 

I credit playing field hockey in high school for getting me out of my shell.  On the playing field people from all different groups came together to play.  I made friends I would have never known otherwise.  I went from a shy insecure kid not even sure if I should try out to co-captain.

I wont push my girls but I really pray they want to play organized sports, preferably field hockey :)  I think playing sports does something for a girl that nothing else can.  And my sports I also mean competitive cheer and dance.

Remember this commercial?  It still makes me cry:


As of now TC LOVES sports, she asks to watch baseball.  When she see's the NHL logo she yells "HOCKEY", I love it.

It really hit me this weekend how of an impact sports have on my when one of my favorite players, Kevin Youkilis, was traded away from the Red Sox.  I remember his first game in 2004, he hit a home run and I teared up because it was such a big moment for him.  Everyone knew he was being traded and during his first at bat the Fenway crowd gave him a standing ovation.  A player, who was slumping, who's replacement waiting in the wings, a standing O because of who he is.  He was there for the 2004 world series and again on 2007.  We have welcomed him into our homes every summer day since and now he's gone.  I admit I cried when he first came up to bat and again after he hit a triple in the 7th and was taken out of the game so he could have a proper goodbye from the crowd.  I was boo hooing at this point, he got hugs and and a curtain call.

http://multimedia.heraldinteractive.com/images/20120625/d52c9a_youkhelmet62512.jpg

This is sports, it creates a connection to people you've never known.  It makes you feel connected to the past, it brings you to something greater than yourself.  It brings me home every afternoon, 4PM here is 7PM at home and I know we are all sitting down to watch the game.  When the Sox won in 2004 everyone in the bar became family, there were drinks bought all around, hugs and kisses all over.  Though he passed 3 years earlier I felt my father's presence - that is sports. 

sounds of Saturday morning

It's 8:45AM here in the desert and our morning is in full swing.

"Scrub, scrub, scrub" in my loving husband's sing song voice dancing down the hall as he bathes the girls.  Adele playing in the background because it make TC so happy.

Bacon popping in the pan and coffee streaming from the Keurig.

A loud giggle scream and water splashing over the side of the tub, a father, unsuccessfully trying to be stern through his smile "calm down!".  

The NHL draft on in the background, it's second only to Christmas in this house.

This is it.  When things are bad, and boy do they get bad, I transport back to moments like this and I know.  I don't have any problem admitting that I had to wipe a few tears away this morning just thinking about how blessed we truly are. 

The thought I go to when we are at are lowest I also go to when we're happy: no matter how broken he was when he did it, he came home.  He came home and because of that today was possible.  If you'll excuse me, I have a family to enjoy.

picking my battles

Doc doesn't wear his wedding ring, he used to but after his last deployment he just never put it back on.  He said he hates it, it gets in the way.  He doesn't like the callus it causes.  He keeps it on his key chain.

I don't worry about him not wearing a ring, I never worry about him not being faithful - honestly you all know what I deal with, I don't think anyone else would want to be in my shoes.  A wedding ring isn't a chastity belt, ring or not if someone wants to cheat he will cheat.  Anyway, that's not my issue, my issue is that I think it's a tad disrespectful.

I wear my rings nonstop, even when my pregnant fingers were too fat for them I wore fakes.  I am proud to be his wife.  I know hope he's proud to be my husband.  These days it's hard to really know, obviously with his injuries he's been harder to read.

I've told him I want him to wear it.  If the one we have is uncomfortable we will get him a new one.  If he wasn't in the army he said he would just tattoo it on, that would be fine with me but that's not an option right now and some of the jobs he's looking onto for after army life that wouldn't work either. 

He knows how I feel but he feels his reasons for not wearing it out weigh my feelings.  What can I do?  I am not going to wrestle him to the ground and solder it to his hand.  I know lots of woman, when looking in at another's marriage, love to say "I would never allow that".  What the hell does that mean?  Should I leave my husband(whom I love) because he wont put a ring on?  After everything else should this be my tipping point?  Not a chance.

Prince William doesn't wear a wedding ring ether, I guess if Catherine is alright with it I can be too.

Confessions

I confess, I made oatmeal muffins last night just so I could open the peanut butter chips.  (They were a topping.)

I confess, I am obsessed with finding funny .gifs, right now I love Stefon from SNL

I confess, I have a huge monster zit about to pop out on my forehead.  The girls are on weird nap times so I don't always get a shower.

I confess,  Doc is leaving for a few weeks next month and I am a little excited, mostly because I won't have to meal plan.

I confess,  I have empty picture frames hanging in my living room, they've been hanging since December.

I confess,  TC had an accident at nap time,  a bad accident.  I wanted to barf, I contemplated just ripping the carpet up.

I confess,  with highs of 115 already I am so over Arizona summers.

I confess,  today is my dad's birthday, I wonder what he would have been like if he was given the gift of growing old.

I confess, though no one is perfect my kids are perfectly flawed.

I will be back with a real blog soon, Doc's on a weird schedule and we are all just so tired around here.

Salute to the Service Sweepstakes

*I am contacted about a lot of random stuff, I let you know about things that I think are cool or relate to my blog.*

I was contacted by the people at Fathead (you know, the people who make life sized sports vinyls to stick on your walls?) about a contest for military families.  The Salute to the Service Sweepstakes is a monthly sweepstakes that is open only to active service members and members of their immediate family. Each month, five families will win a free custom Fathead, beginning now through October 31, 2012.  So while Daddy is away he can always be hanging out on a wall in the kitchen or whatever you would want to do with him.  It would have come in handy when Doc was deployed, some days I would have kissed it and others I would have punched it.

Anyway, go here to enter, remember five families will win each month through the end of October.

And to let you know how fatheads hold up I will be reviewing a seven foot tall Zdeno Chára (it may already be in my mail box but I am hiding in the house while it's 110 degrees out there).  Doc was really excited, I wanted David Beckham but he had his shirt on in the two they had.  You hear that Fathead, I think I may have a whole new product like that military wives would like when their soldier is away - anyone from the cast of Magic Mike would be greatly appreciated.  

Almost Wordless Wednesday

I love that my girls can play together now.  They are just so sweet.

6 month appointment

Little A had her 6 month appointment today and she is still pretty perfect.  She weighed in at 21lbs 5oz (97%), I thought she would be much more.  She's 27.25 inches long (82%).  She's hitting all of her milestones and is just so happy. 

I know I shouldn't but I can't help but compare TC and her at the same age.  At six months TC was 19lbs 4oz, (94%) , 26" (90-something %).  She was also doing so much more than TC, she was not only sitting on her own like a champ she hopped up and sat herself up, she crawled and during her 6th month she climbed a stair and stood on her own.  I knew when she was doing it that TC was super early so it's not that big of a bummer that Little A is not as advanced.  Honestly I am not ready for a crawler at this point. 

Doc and I make beautiful babies.

6 months!

At 7:51 PM PDT my little baby will be 6 months old.  I feel like she's been part of this family the whole time, I remember life before her but I have a hard time picturing it.  I don't have any 6 month stats yet, I will take her to the doctor this week but I can tell you she's huge and I love each and every little roll.

She is sitting up on her own very well, many times for about 15 minutes at a time.  If she wants to sit up she will tell you, she's a screecher.   She still loves her jumperoo, that thing is a life saver.  Like I said in a past post she is on the move, a roller and a scooter.  She hasn't gotten on hands and knees yet but it's coming!  She loves grabbing things, her sister is learning that gone are the days when she can sit next to Little A and not have to share whatever she's playing with.  (In related news, TC said "mine" for the first time today.)

Little A has at least one tooth, maybe two.  She doesn't let me examine for too long, if there are two one is still very low.  We still haven't started solids yet, I really want her to be sitting unassisted fully since we are skipping purees.  She's is (obviously) doing well on just breast milk so there is no hurry for solids, the only thing is would give me is a little more freedom.  Not that I want any meal of solids to replace a nursing session as of now she wont take a bottle so giving some solids could hold her over if I were to go out.  I tried expressed milk in a sippy cup tonight and she didn't take that either.  I think I will try a bottle again this week as well.

Her big sister still does no wrong, but I am still the center of her universe.  When I leave the room while she's undistracted the world may as well be ending.  Her daddy is her personal jester, he can always get her to laugh.

All in all she's just fantastic.  I don't know what I did to deserve not just one but two beautiful, happy, friendly girls. Even at 2AM when she's crying for me to comfort her and all I want to do is turn the monitor off and sleep until I wake up on my own I go to her, and without fail when I look over the side of that crib and see her little fuzzy head I smile.

JBL Tim McGraw Headphones Review

Good evening everyone, I hope everyone is having a wonderful Father's Day.  As I promised in my Show Your Country giveaway post JLB was nice enough to send me some Tim McGraw headphones to review.  And if you haven't check out that post and enter to win a chance to meet Tim McGraw at a concert this summer.  I would be all over it but smartly the tour isn't coming out to my desert hell home.

I was so excited to receive the headphones, because I love music and because this is the first time someone has sent me something to review.  They looked nice in the packaging,  Defiantly eye catching with such a hottie staring at you.

 

I got them open and was happy to see that there was a variety of sizes for the ear piece, that is my biggest complaint about many headphones as my ear holes (is that what they are called) are small.

3 sizes of ear pieces and a carrying case.

How do I look?

I plugged them into my phone and had to see how they worked on Tim's music first so I put on his Pandora station, it sounded great.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to listen very long that night as I was home alone and had to listen for the baby monitors but if the headphones made it hard for me to hear the monitors then I think they were doing their job. 

I later listened to all different types of music to see how they sounded and I was impressed.  Everything sounded clear and, my biggest test, the bass of my late 1990s techno music made me want to dance. 

My final test was Netflix on my elliptical, my elliptical is loud (because it's cheap) and again they sounded great, I could hear all of the Fishisims that Ally McBeal had to offer.  (I really am dating myself with this post aren't I?)

If there is one thing I would change I would make the wire a little longer since I do like to plug them onto my computer while I "work".  I believe the suggested retail price is $49.99 and I think they are well worth it.  The clarity is great and they minimize outside noise (it's not totally gone, but for in ear headphones I thought they did a great job).  They fit great, I wasn't always fiddling with them, I put them in and didn't have to think about them again and that's really what I look for with headphones.  

Bottom line, I liked them.  

JBL sent me the headphones to review, the opinions are mine.

 

my baby is on the move

It seems like over night Little A has totally changed, she went from a basic bump on a log to an inquisitive baby on the go.  She's sitting up on her own for about 10-15 minutes at a time and has now discovered that rolling will get her places.  She sees something she likes she goes for it.  It's so cute.

She has one bottom tooth that has totally popped through and the one next to is very very close.  I forgot how fast things happen at this stage.  I will be happy if she doesn't crawl and walk as early as TC did though.

She is still waking during the night but I think I will work on that when Doc goes away in July.  We haven't started solids yet, I am waiting for her to be a total independent sitter and I am in no rush at all.  She nurses like a champ and has told me that she's not satisfied with her meals. 

All in all she's just a great kid (now that the hell of the newborn stage is over).  She laughs with her whole body and gives great hugs.  With baby number two things are a little different, I am not looking for signs of the next stage - I'm not wondering if she early or "advanced".  I know what is coming up, I know every stage will be my favorite so with my second kid I spend less time wishing time away.  It's wonderfully relaxed.
 

show and tell vlog

I decided to link up and vlog some favorite things hosted by Becky and Raven.  I am not going to rewatch the video because I know I said "ummmmm" and possibly "yea" more than I ever do in real life.  I also look fantastic because I worked out tonight for the first time in a long time (don't tell my doctor, but I can't get in the physical therapy until July 10th and I can't wait that long).  So here it is - don't judge (well judge a little, I would).

totally random blast from the past

I was going through old pictures and it's crazy how much has changed over the years.  Of course it's changed, the pictures you're about to see were taken 10 years apart!.  While looking at pictures from college I remembered how I always had to show my belly, I think I thought that if I wasn't showing some part of it I was too covered up.  It wasn't like a full on half shirt (some were shorter than others) but even with sweaters, they always showed belly...I think I wore longer under shirts to class but I can't be sure.  What was a casual look then would be full on dressed up these days (and there is no way in hell anyone wants to see my belly).

Me on the first day of my cruise on 2002, in my casual day outfit:

Lots of belly, cleavage, and super low jeans - I covered all the bases. But I had a cardigan on so I felt like it was conservative.

What I would wear today in the same weather:

It's so funny, I don't know how it happened or when.  I am not complaining, I don't have the body I used to so that's a given.  Can you imagine chasing kids around in that other get up?  Boobs flying everywhere, and I don't think my Haynes cotton boy shorts (don't judge, they are so comfortable and pretty cute) would fit under those super low rise jeans. 

I was such a kid in that picture, it's crazy to think that just 3.5 years later I would be married to a soldier no less!  I wonder what my reaction will be if my girls at 21 years old dress the same way I did, I hope I am cool enough just to tell them that a belt would really pull the outfit together.

Enter The Show Your Country Sweepstakes

I get contacted all the time about things people are sure my readers would love to know about, many times I wonder if the people contacting have even read a single blog entry before contacting me.  Once in a while I am contacted about something that I am really excited about and when it comes to Tim McGraw I get excited (and honestly any excuse to post a picture of that man on my blog is welcomed).  I do want to disclose that when I was contacted about posting this I was also asked to review Tim McGraw's new headphones so keep an eye out for that post in the near future.

As you may know, Tim McGraw recently launched two styles of headphones with JBL and now the country music star is starting the Brothers of Sun tour with Kenny Chesney. To honor both of those events, JBL and Tim McGraw unveiled The Show Your Country Sweepstakes on June 1 to encourage music fans to describe what country music means to them.

The prizes:

• 38 winners (one per selected tour stop) will receive: an exclusive VIP pre-concert experience with Tim McGraw and two tickets to see Tim and Kenny Chesney at the Brothers of the Sun show later that night. McGraw will be putting on a pre-show just for a small group of fans, including each winner of the Show Your Country Sweepstakes, at most tour stops. 
• 100 winners will receive an autographed pair of the new JBL Tim McGraw Artist Series headphones 

To enter the contest:

• Upload photos, videos or text entries that shows Tim McGraw and JBL what country means to you 
• Entries can be submitted through Instagram, Twitter, JBL.com or through the JBL Facebook page
• If using Twitter or Instagram, each post needs two hashtags:  #JBLyourcountry and your state abbreviation plus the concert city you want to win tickets for e.g. example: #JBLyourcountryMA #Foxborough OR #JBLyourcountryMD #WashingtonDC

 Note: Refer to sweepstakes website for full listing of concert dates (not all Brothers of the Sun tour stops are eligible

(almost) wordless wednesday

I wasn't sure if I was going to post this but I've shared so much of what makes me sad I wanted to share something that makes me so happy.

a rocker

Well it's over, he has to write a paper but he pretty much got it.

He came home totally defeated that he didn't get all of the questions correct.  He knew it but couldn't get it out.  When it was all done and he was brought back in to go over everything the sergeant major said that it seemed like Doc had a really hard time getting his point across, like he couldn't get his words out and that hurt him.  NO SHIT!  He has been talking to Doc since we got here, he knows all about the TBI and the symptoms that Doc displays.  If you have a simple conversation with him you know that he has a hard time finding his words.  Put him in a high pressure situation and it's so much worse. 

I think he would have been fine without those comments.  It's like poking at an open wound.  When he came home he said it was humiliating.  He was embarrassed that he had a hard time remembering what he needed to remember.  How could he be embarrassed?  If he lost a limb in the accident he wouldn't be embarrassed if he was commanded to get up and walk without a crutch.  While you can't see what he lost I can assure you something is gone.

He disappeared into the bedroom to clear his head, I assured him that I was proud of him.  Putting himself out there like that, no matter how big the crowd, is not an easy thing for him.  His TBI came with social anxiety, even ordering a pizza can cause a panic attack for him. 

I think he's going to have a talk with his sergeant major about the comments, I hope he does.  I know Doc will get over it either way.  He's hurt for so many reasons.  He's not the solder he was before the accident.  He's not a Ranger anymore, so many things were gone in that instant.  I hate to see his self worth go as well.

The bottom line is that he's going to get the promotion, so that's good.  Add a rocker to those chevrons.  

big day tomorrow

Doc is going to the board tomorrow, he is hoping to finally pick up E6.  I say finally but he's only been an E5 for a little over 2 years.  We are still playing catch up from the crazy way Ranger Battalion does promotions.

In Battalion you should have your Ranger Tab to pick up E5, not really a big deal for the infantry men but for medics it's was almost impossible to get a slot in Ranger School. When we got to Battalion in 2007 there was a medic shortage so no one wanted to give up their medic for months on end and since Doc is a really good medic giving him up was even harder (not my words, I was told this by several of his bosses).  He was told he was going so many times only to be pulled for one reason or another.  He was always ready and willing to go.

Finally, right before his last deployment (and after his case was brought to the higher ups who run the entire 75th - and not because Doc made a stink, his bosses did) he was allowed to go to the E5 board and be promoted without his tab.  This was contingent on him going to Ranger School after I had TC while his unit was still deployed.  Well one overturned vehicle, a broken face and TBI later that never happened.

When we got down to Arizona last summer promotion talk started again.  The problem this time was that, because of his TBI, he couldn't pass the PT test.  After doing the push ups and sit ups his head wasn't clear enough to allow him to run.  He tried would almost pass out.  Well the rules say that when you've been injured you use the PT test from before your injury, someone didn't want to follow the rules...anywho, a change of schools he has a new boss and bam - board tomorrow.  I say "bam" because we've know about this for about 2 weeks.

As far as passing a board, in "real life" or our past life, easy.  He is/was an amazing soldier.  The problem now is his memory, he has to be at work at 0330 and will work all morning and go to the board at 1400, by 1400 his head will be shot.  If you could send thoughts, prayers, vibes his way around 2PM PDT I would really appreciate it.  I'm not asking to pray he passes, just that he can find his words, that he can think clearly, that he has the confidence in himself that he used to have.  Pass or fail, I want that to be on him, not on his TBI.

Now I must go, I am having a bit of a freak out because I don't know if he bough a black beret, he will be wearing his class As but hasn't worn anything other than a tan beret since he place it on his head at his RIP graduation in 2006...(and I am teary eyed at the thought of anything other than tan on his head - once a ranger, always a ranger...)

boo-hooing

I finally had a bit of a release, not exactly what I needed but it helped. 

My sister had her baby shower today, I hadn't really been thinking about it because I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening.  It's no secret that I don't love showers but her having a shower makes it real, she's having a baby without me.  I hate to miss it.

I talked to her last night, she was in the hospital because she crushed her finger in the car door.  It's a total mess and I am not going to get into detail what they had to do because it's gross but the poor thing couldn't have anything for the pain.  This morning she was still in a lot of pain and knew she wouldn't be able to open gifts, I would love to have helped her.  I was bummed but it wasn't the end of the world.  I called her when it was all over to get a rundown and that was fine.  Then the pictures were posted on facebook, I was still doing just fine.  Then I got to a picture of her and her friend, her friend was making the list of gifts for the thank you notes and that is when I lost it.

Who the hell is that bitch?  I should be doing that, it's my sister, my nephew, and my best friend.

Totally irrational, I know.  But that is when the waterworks started.  I hate missing everything.  I don't just want to go home I want to be home.   I want my family to be surrounded by my family.  I want to see my sister with a big belly, I want to see her with a newborn.  I want to be there if she needs anything.  But it wont be me, it will be her friends who just had babies.  I'm allowed to be jealous.  Obviously I wont tell her this stuff (well I told her that I cried because I really wanted to be there) there is no reason to bring her down with my craziness.

I wish I could have had the major bawl-fest I wanted but I was still in mom mode so I couldn't really commit.  And Doc is on edge today because he's nervous about passing the board with his shit memory, I don't want him worrying about me.

A few more years, a few more years of being too far.  Once we are home and feeling home these years away will just be a memory.  I can't wait to get there.

 D and me Christmas 1985.

funk

I can't snap out of this funk.  I can't really blame Doc because he's been pretty good which is amazing considering her is going to the board on Tuesday and has all that stress. 

There is something wrong with me, I hope I can get to the bottom of it soon.  I really hate being negative.  I think I will leave you with some things that make me happy.

 I know she's probably just looking at flies or something but I like to think she's dreaming of big things.

Dragonflies remind me of the pond where my family spent all summer ever summer.  They love my back yard.

 

Sisters, they love each other.

I do hope I bounce back soon, thanks for sticking with me until I do.

For now I am going to watch Ghost and have a big ol cry fest...or...I wonder if Beaches is on Netflix...