I loved it

her first royal wedding

I didn't wake up at 1AM to watch the wedding but I watched it from start to finish as if it was live when I woke up (thanks E! online).  I love all things weddings which is weird since I was perfectly happy to have a small 27 people beer and pizza wedding when it was my turn.  With all the press I just had to watch this wedding and I was dieing to see her dress (and all the hats).

So I drank the Kool-Aid sue me.

My maternal Grandparents as well as 2 of my aunts immigrated from England.  They came through Ellis Island so many years ago.  My grandmother was born in Australia but was British.  My Grandfather was born in a British colony in India and served in the Royal Navy.  Later in life he raced cars in England.  So with both of my grandparents gone I felt it was my duty to watch.

I loved every minute of it, the buildup, the royals, the hats.  I loved the choirs and the hymns, they made me miss church. (Fun fact: the Episcopal church came about after the Revolutionary War because clergy in The Church of England had to swear their alliance to the British Monarchs.)

I loved seeing them so in love, I loved that despite everything going on they were just a happy couple getting married.  The groom chatting with his little brother and the bride on her father's arm. Her dress was perfect.  So elegant and modern but with a romantic nod to royal brides of the past.

And who can resist a groom who blushes when he kisses his bride?  He reminded me so much of his mother.

And I know there are other things going on in the world.  I know this is not real news.  I also know that it's nice to forget your troubles for a few hours and dream about being a princess.

image from http://static.thehollywoodgossip.com/images/gallery/nap-time.jpg

want to know what pisses me off?

Parents, put the cell phone down and pay attention to your kids.  Grandparents, sometimes you have to be the "bad guy" and be firm with your grand kids. 

Since we live in the land of perpetual rain we spend a lot of time in the mall just to get out, I can walk around and TC can hangout in the play area before we leave.  Over the last few weeks I've been so frustrated with the other parents that I've had to leave.  This past week play area it was pretty dead, there were 2 other kids in there and that was it.  The dad was sitting on the bench not paying attention, he was texting or playing Angry Birds or something.  The little boy was probably 6 and he was just fine.  The girl was about 4 and if shoving other people's kids was allowed she would have hit the floor a few times.  At first she was just following TC around, TC was being nice and smiling back but that wasn't enough for this little girl.  I put TC in one of the play cars and the girl jumped in too (fine we can share) then started squishing TC.  I asked her to share nicely and she hit TC!  I picked up TC and sternly told the girl not to hit my daughter.   I shot the father a nasty look and he sat there and said "yea don't hit" and that was it.  I moved her over to another toy car and the little girl came over and got in TC's face and screamed, not a big deal, then she started hitting her again.  I told her not to hit my daughter and had to hold myself back from giving the father who was not paying attention a piece of my mind.  I don't want to set that kind of example for TC so I collected my daughter and we left. 

A few weeks earlier we were at a different play area and this grandmother had her 6 year old granddaughter in there.  This girl was a little over the size requirement but whatever.  She also brought in a stuffed animal and of course all the other kids wanted to play with it.  She would show it off, toss it on the floor, then snatch it out of the hands of which ever kid picked it up.  If your kid can't share leave the toys out of the play area.  Then she didn't want to share the play area toys either and started pushing.  When she pushed my kid she heard from me.  I do give parents a chance to discipline their own kids but when they don't I have no problem telling the kids to keep their hands to themselves.  The grandmother watched the whole thing and just said "Oh Sarah..."  Really?  That's it?  A 6 year old (who is too big for the play area to begin with) pushes a 14 month old and all she gets is an "oh Sarah"?

I can't really fault the kids, this is how they are being raised.  As a kid my parents would have never tolerated that kind of behavior from me, but now we just too lazy deal with our kids so they think they can do whatever they want. 

such a good weekend

It seems like we needed to hit rock bottom to really deal with what the real problem was, communication.  Before Doc left things were going really well, Doc and I were getting along and he was making an effort.  When he came back from his TDY I think I resented him invading my space so I started in on him (the hormones from my then unknown pregnancy surly had something to do with it).  Should he have said what he said?  Nope, not at all but he did and he's sorry.  We're past it, I can truly say I'm past it and it feels good.

He is really making an effort too which is so refreshing.  After he found out I was pregnant he even looked into mood stabilizers, they aren't going to give them to him but him asking was huge.  He's also trying herbs to help him sleep instead of the pills he's been taking, the pills cause him to wake up groggy and say things he doesn't mean...

The most important thing is that we are having fun again, life is just fun.  Spending Saturday afternoon chasing TC around the yard while he raked the yard was like a cheesy bank commercial.  After he was finished and TC was down for her nap I laid in the sun for an hour and it was amazing.

Today was the final day of his 4 day and I'm sad for him to go back to work.  When is the last time I said that?  Yikes!  

I'm happy, and this time I mean it.

Easter! Lots of pictures

Yesterday was such a beautiful day here in WA.  We spent the afternoon outside and I even got a little color!  TC is really starting to show some confidence walking in the grass and she was all over the place.  I knew the weather today was going to be crappy so I "hid" some eggs for TC to find yesterday.

If she doesn't do her chores she doesn't get dinner.

notice, no baby bloat

This morning she got her Easter Basket from Mom and Dad (sorry no Easter Bunny in this house) and she loved her new books.  I love that she loves books and I really love the $1 books from Target.

Going straight for the book

I can't believe she left them on long enough for me to get the picture

the headband didn't last long either

The bloat hit today so this is the only way I could take a picture with her

Speaking of bloat, whoa baby!  Look at the picture of T and me yesterday, this was not there.  I wish I could blame this on dinner but I looked like this all day.  I guess it doesn't matter how much water you drink.

So that was our weekend.  I'm hoping to get on the elliptical when TC goes to bed, maybe that will help get me back to normal!

I hope you all have a fabulous day.

here we go again

4w 5d, starting off point hoping the belly grows and arms shrink!

Thank you so much for all the love yesterday, I am so glad that I get to share this journey with all of you again.

It's starting to sink in and I am starting to feel it.  We're having another baby!  The digital test came back positive yesterday morning and I went in for my blood test in the afternoon.  We have our orientation on May 17th and I assume on that day we will set a dating ultrasound.  After looking at a calendar I have figured out that I am due on Christmas Eve.  After the IUD removal I had what I thought was a period but when I had my annual exam I was told it was just bleeding from the removal.  Looking at that date and the date I am sure I conceived it matches up perfectly.  So there it is a tax deduction Christmas baby.

If I didn't find out yesterday I would have been very suspicious today, nausea hit, not too bad but it was there.  The burping has also started, I was hoping to avoid this but last time it was pretty constant for the entire pregnancy.  I had some hot flashes today too which is a new one for me.  That and I am just so flippen tired.  I'm happy for each little symptom at this point.

I am also on edge, the first trimester is so scary.  I am praying to get through with no excitement, I wish I could just fast forward it. 

I'm going to do my best to continue to lose weight for the next few weeks.  I'm not talking about being unhealthy, just watching what I eat and exercising.  I am not even going to bother with the prenatals this time, they made me so sick and I think that is was cause my massive carb binge with TC.  I did 2 Flintstones vitamins with her and I am doing the same this time.  I'm also trying to stay ahead of the bloat by chugging down water.  We'll see how all of this works out, I am going to listen to my body but keep any extras to a minimum.

I had a nice surprise when my doctor called to congratulate me and make sure I made my first appointment.  He delivered TC and is also her PCM, I am really sad that he won't be delivering this baby. Hopefully I will find someone just as great at our next duty station. 

That is where we are now, I am accepting all prayers and happy thoughts that everything goes smoothly.  I assure you I have not turned this into a pregnancy blog but since this is a big part of my life it will be a big part of my blog. 

Thank you again.

good day

10 years ago today was the worst day of my life.  The first man I ever loved, the man I hoped would hold and tell stories to my children, the man who always knew how to make me smile, the man who never gave up on the Red Sox, my dad passed away.  You can read about that day here.  Those of us who have lost people we are close to pretty much say the same thing, It's been the longest 10 years of my life and it feels like I just talked to him yesterday. 

Historically this has been a really hard day for me.  I allow myself to cry and be sad and just listen to my emotions.  I did a good amount of crying yesterday, thinking about the last time I saw him, it was horrible.  Then stupid Jacob Lusk sang Luther's Dance With My Father and out came the ugly cry.  I remember when that song came out in 2003, I had to pull over if I was driving.   Doc is getting out of work at noon and I was going to go out and be a sad lady on my own (that's my choice) and my day was planned.

In the back of my head I thought that today might be a little different.  Yesterday I was hit with a round of exhaustion I haven't felt since my first trimester with TC.  I thought maybe I was pregnant but I let the thought pass.  Before bed last night I decided that I would just test for the hell of it this morning, if by some miracle I was pregnant today would have a whole new meaning. 

I woke up and took the test, tossed it on the counter and went in to get TC.  On our way out to the kitchen I grabbed the test and didn't even glance at it, dropped in down when I got to the kitchen and started my day.  After a few minutes I remembered it and took a look fully expecting nothing, I looked and started to throw it away when I saw it, a faint pink line.  I knew what it was but started texting anyway "do you see what I see?" and everyone agreed I'm pregnant.  I'm waiting to take a digital test, I tried earlier but apparently if you don't have enough pee you get a little book icon and the instructions tell you that you're an idiot.  

I know this picture is horrible but my real camera is charging.

 Of course Doc was sleeping this whole time (didn't have to go to work until 9) so about 8 of my friends knew before him.  Oh well, you snooze you lose.  When his alarm finally went off I tossed this home made bib on TC and we went in to wake him.  I had to point out the bib and it took him a second.  "You're pregnant?"  I said I am pretty sure and I showed him the test.  He grabbed my hand and smiled.  I think he's waiting for the digital to really get it.  After I take that one I will call the hospital and set up a blood test. 

I am so happy but in total shock.  I wont be going public on facebook with this for a long time (I'm thinking 20 weeks) and I haven't told any of the grandparents.  We will wait until we have the blood test.  Another baby, I hope we're ready!

working on my fitness

This is me after a workout at around 154, T loves seeing herself on Photo booth on the iMac so she was a little excited.

  For the past few weeks I have been counting my calories and really focusing on working out and it's making a huge difference.  I have the MyFitnessPal app on my phone (for free) and I told it I wanted to lose 16lbs at a rate of 1.5lbs per week.  To reach this goal I am allows 1220 net calories a day.  It's not a lot at all.  I record everything I eat as I eat it and it's really helped me make smart choices.  On days that I know I want to eat more I am sure to work out, about 45 minutes on the elliptical burs around 450 calories giving me 450 more calories that I can add to my diet that day.  It feels good to "earn" rewards like a cupcake or a beer after dinner.  The best news is that I've lost 5lbs so far.

I feel like I was stuck at 156 for ever which really sucked because I was much lighter last summer (when my baby was only 5 months old).  When my shins went south so did my motivation and I put on my winter layer of fat.  No more!  Once we move to Arizona it's going to be hard to avoid wearing my bathing suit and I am sure I am going to live in tank tops as I did during the summer in North Carolina.  I have no desire to be the "skinny fat girl" (you know what I mean, in her jeans and smart top you would never think she's as chubby as she is until you see her jiggling around in a sun dress).

I've also been tracking my measurements and I've lost over 5 inches as well.  I am quite proud of myself for sticking to this especially once Doc came home - he tends to eat like a pig and enjoys company.  I can see that I've lost a great deal of belly jiggle as well as trimmed my thighs - I love seeing results!  I want to get back down to 140, I am pretty comfortable there.  I really like 135 but getting down to that weight is always a struggle and usually not worth the aggravation.  I'm not ruling it out, I just need to hit my original goal before I reassess.

But if I do get pregnant soon these goals will have to be put on hold obviously.  I don't see any reason why I can't keep this up (albeit a modified diet) throughout a pregnancy.  I really don't want to gain 35lbs again.  I think 20 should do it for me, I just need to stay active this next time around, it will make for a much more comfortable 9 months and an easier recovery. 

Before I picked Doc up last Friday, my face always shows if I'm gaining or losing weight, it's thinning out now.

we are nothing like Humpty Dumpty

In real life when bad things happen you have a choice, run away or deal with it.  Doc and I are dealing.  I know he feels horrible for telling me to leave and I know that is the last thing he would ever really want.  Like I said, we've been going to counseling for a while now, it's been great and helps us cope with everything the TBI has added to our marriage.  We had a great session yesterday and I think we are both feeling really good about things.  I'm not going to get into exactly what we said because I do have to keep a few things just between us.

The most important thing is that we can put things back together after they've fallen apart.  Neither one of us is willing to check out and that tells me that our foundation is strong.  We're building off of that.  I'm not going to give him a pass for what he said because it really hurt but I am sure that I haven't been a peach to be around these last few days.  This week is just so hard for me, Thursday will mark the 10 year anniversary of my dad's death.  That plus my Grandma getting sick any my newly diagnosed vitamin D deficiency I'm like the perfect storm of emotions.  

All of that aside the truth is that I am happy.  There are moments of "woe is me" but when those are gone I have a man who loves me and a child who thinks I can do no wrong.  I'm excited to keep growing together as a couple and as a family. 

Thank you

This is from a few weeks ago, he's such a good father, it breaks my heart that he can't be like this all the time.

Thank you for all of your support.  I got out of the house a bit today and that really helped. 

I am in this for the long haul, unless he gets violent of starts mistreating TC in some way I am going to keep working on this.  I take my vows very seriously and told him that I would stand by his side and support him for the rest of my life and that's still the plan.

We do go to counseling, we've been going every week for a while.  We haven't been in a while because of Doc's schedule but we're going tomorrow.  About an hour ago I told him that I was going to bring what happened today up right away so we have a chance to talk about it.  He then asked what he did wrong.  He said her really doesn't remember exactly what happened.  I just don't know what to do with that, I wish it was a lie (he is the worst liar and has never been able to lie to me).

lost

I've questioned myself for putting all of this out there.  Do I really want just anyone to know all of this about my marriage?  For people to think my husband is a monster?  Well he's not he really is a good guy which is why I'm allowing myself to post these things.  If there is even one person out there who is going through the same thing and can take some comfort in knowing she's not alone then it is worth it.  
I don't know what to do.  I tried to talk to him today and of course he blamed everything on his pounding head and lack of sleep.  All I wanted was a thank you now and then, a "good job" when I tell him I've lost 5lbs (I'm working really hard) and for him to put his dishes in the dishwasher.  These are small things that I am pretty sure most women get in their marriages, well at least the first 2.  I don't, he thinks I should just know how he feels.  How the hell should I know that he thinks I'm beautiful when he's grabbing at my flab every chance he gets?


I wasn't planning on saying anything today but when I told him that my grandmother is back in the hospital he just said "OK" like I asked him to pick up dog food.  A caring husband would at least ask why and if she was going to be alright.  But in his defense, she is old...That was all I needed and it all came out.

I couldn't believe it when I said the thing I don't even let myself think, "I'm not happy."  That is the last thing I want to admit to myself never mind say out loud.  The man I married would have asked what he can do to fix that but this guy said, "then leave".  Leave?!  So that's it?  He would rather that than make a few changes?  I know that's not really how he feels but I can't believe he would even say it.

The worst thing is that for a minute I thought that if something does happen with my grandmother at least I would be able to go home for a bit.  I feel horrible even thinking that.

where else can they send him?

I knew after a week away with almost no sleep that he would be a total peach when he got home but I was really hoping I was wrong.  Apparently asking his opinion on things means that I am insecure.  For example, I bought TC a t-shirt and I asked if he thought it was too big and should be exchanged and he blew up because I ask too many questions and need to learn how to think for myself.  I'm just so fed up already.  I had pancakes and bacon ready for him when he woke up and then I made him 2 sandwiches for lunch (when I wasn't even eating lunch) and not one thank you.

I think he needs to go away again and stay away longer.  Have a little appreciation for how well he has it.  Being injured is not an excuse to just flat out act like an ass.  God forbid I bring that up because then he starts playing the "if you had a headache for over a year..." broken record.

But it's not all bad.  I know he loves me, I can tell by how he looks at me.  We still joke around and there are more laughs than arguments here so I still think I'm pretty lucky.  I just really miss the small stuff, a complement because he genuinely wants to compliment me would probably cause a heart attack.  I pick my battles and this one hasn't seemed important lately but I think it's time I start putting myself first a bit.

get those pens ready (for Jessica!)

I had a lovely email waiting for me this morning (as I am sure many of you did) from Jessica's parents.  Here it is, now start sending letters:

To all the wonderful people who responded to Jessica on her "Misadventures of an Army Wife" blog,

 

Tom and I want to thank all of you for the kind words you have posted on Jessica's blog.  Jessica is currently in the hospital for an unknown length of stay and will require continued therapy afterward.  I was able to visit with her for about 1 1/2 hours on Thursday, 14 April, and she is starting to realize her actions last week as well as the events that led to her depression and suicide attempt.  I did print out all your comments from her blog and was able to give her a hard copy.

 

One of Jessica's friends had a great idea that Tom and I are following up on....an Easter Basket filled with notes and cards of encouragement, empathy, stories, understanding or good 'ole humor!  If we could be so bold to the virtual community, we would like to ask you to send your thoughts, notes, cards, etc. to the P.O. Box below that we have now established:

 

Jessica

P.O. Box 292138

Columbia, SC  29229

 

I will gather them into an Easter Basket of Cheer for Jessica this week to continue to let her know she is not alone nor are the events she experienced isolated to just her. 

 

Please do not send gifts or money....just your words of encouragement and prayers.

 

Please let the word spread.....

 

Thanks again to all you,

 

 --  From the parents of Jessica....Tom in NM and now Sue in SC

 

Many of us were wishing we could have done something, well now we can.

MFF

1. With PCS moves happening every few years, do you take the time to paint and decorate your home? We painted TC's room but that was it.  I don't like spending my own money to make a house I don't own nicer.

2. If you could live in any home on a television series, what would it be?
The house in the show Providence, that part of the city is so beautiful and the houses are amazing.

3. What inspired you to start your blog? 
I wanted a way to vent before my husband's first deployment. 
 
4. What is the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen on base? nothing really, just the hoochies and horrible parenting

5. Which historical figure (politician, writer, artist, scientist, actor, etc…) would you like to have dinner with?
 I think Magdalene would be interesting. 
 

one more night

TC has been sleeping through the night for months I on the other hand have no been so lucky.  Like I said the other day, Doc's sleeping pill knocks him out and unfortunately for me he decides to be knocked up in 3/4 of the bed.  I have him on my left and my stupid cat on my right.  She decided 6 years ago she has to sleep on me or cuddled up to me.  Usually I wake 3 or 4 times throughout the night.  Since Doc has been gone I have been sleeping like I did in 2009, before I got knocked up and before he got knocked out.  One more glorious night to myself.

This trip is the first time we've ever been able to Skype.  When he was deployed cameras and webcams were not allowed.  Most of his other TDYs were out in the middle of nowhere and the crap ass hotel they stuck him in while in Atlanta last June had the worst internet connection ever.  It's fun to see TC get excited to see him, obviously she doesn't get it but she knows that she is seeing Daddy. 

The training is going well, he has been running in his full kit all week and not getting the sleep he really needs so his head is a little cloudy but he's pretty happy.  (I'm not, this one of the reasons we are leaving, people where he works don't seem to know what a profile is.)  This whole trip is bitter sweet for him, kind of his last dance with these guys and he's doing what he loves.  It's heart breaking to hear the pain in his voice talking about how this might be the last time he does this.  He's a line medic and a damn good one.  Sometime I wonder if he's able to suck it up for this training why can't he just suck it up all the time and get back to work.  Not very supportive of me and I know the answer but still...

Because the way his unit is set up it's very hard for them to hold on to medics and here is one who would give to get back to work.  Why can't he just get batter and rejoin his buddies?

(almost) wordless wednesday

Hiding her face, I think a lot of Red Sox fans are thinking about doing the same thing right about now.