I have a confession

I love, love, LOVE bed time.  I'm not talking about my bed time because I am usually tossing and turning worrying about what tomorrow will bring. I am talking about when the kids are safely in their beds finally dreaming away. 

They don't even have to be totally asleep yet but if the doors are closed and the toys are picked up I am a happy camper.  I enjoy my days with the girls, every day really is something new but by 7 I am pooped.  By then the girls are pooped too, TC often doesn't even make it to 7, it's not unheard of for her to go to bed at 6:30.  On the days when Little A falls asleep at the same time, well I practically skip down the hall to a kidless living room.

I don't think we're supposed to admit this.  I think people want our lives to revolve solely around our kids once they implant themselves in our uterus.   For the most part we do but there is no shame in admitting you enjoy time with out them.  In a few years I think Doc and I might take a vacation with out them, or perhaps just me! 

Look at these girls, so much fun.  Right now they are recharging, preparing to ware me out once again tomorrow.

go check out

I did a guest post for the wonderful Wife of a Sailor for her month of the military child series.  I got into a little bit of what it's like to raise kids with a husband with a TBI.  Go check it out and poke around her blog while you're there.

I Won't Give Up

Perhaps I have been living under a rock (or in the middle of the desert with 2 English speaking pop stations) but I just heard the Jason Mraz song I Won't Give Up.  I was in tears, it seems like it was written for Doc and me.

I never thought that we would be one of the couples who has to deal with what we deal with.  I always feared that something would happen overseas that would change him but I never allowed myself to believe that it could.  I never thought I would struggle the way I do when he is off.  I never thought I could handle so much pain but I know the only reason I can is because we have a greater amount of love.

Here are the lyrics from lyricsmode.com

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts
We got yeah we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we didn't tend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn, how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I got, and what I'm not
And who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
I'm still looking up

I won't give up on us
God knows I'm tough, he knows
We got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

a bad day

One of the horrible side effects of Doc's injury is what it does to TC.  Little A is still too young but TC can feel when his days are off.  Today was one of those off days.  TC and I were having a pretty good day, we went for a walk with our neighbor and after that she came over and we all played with the babies.  While we were hanging out Doc came home and went to bed, his head has been bothering him for a few days.  TC was alright with that, he works nights sometimes so him sleeping during the day isn't new.  When he finally got out of bed this afternoon she started to act out.  When he's having a bad day it's like looking at a different person, it's not something obvious to an outsider but there is something missing from his eyes, it breaks my heart that a 2 year old could pick up on it.

Like most kids learning and pushing their limits she got crazy since Daddy was acting different and it was just a total nightmare of an evening.  How will I ever explain to my girls what happened?  Should I?  When his temper goes he can be down right mean and since he doesn't really know what he's doing he's bound to (emotionally) hurt the girls. 

"Daddy wasn't always an ass hole..." yea I  am not looking forward to that conversation (or a variation of it). 

He's not sure what's going on or why he's been so bad lately, I am hoping he'll be able to get more injections in his neck to bring the swelling down and calm the head aches. 

Today I read about an old NFLer who took his life, at 63 he couldn't take it anymore.  He had been battling depression, "punch drunk syndrome", dementia symptoms and insomnia which he linked to his concussions while playing football.  He's just another former athlete to follow this path.  While feeling for his family I couldn't help but wonder if this could happen to us.  Could I become a war widow decades after his return? 

For the most part I am really good at pulling up my socks and "rangering" on but some days I can't help but sulk, I want my husband back. 

21 April 2001 (repost)

I originally posted this in 2009 but wanted to share it again.  This day isn't all bad anymore, last year we learned we were expecting #2.

It was sophomore year, I was alone in my dorm room watching "28 Days". I was glad to be alone but it was comforting to know that my boy friend (Dan) was in his suite across the hall. The night before D had come to visit me at school and we had plans to go out dancing that night but we had a pit stop to make before that.

On the way to the hospital D told me that this was probably it. Our stepmother had called her earlier in the day to tell her that he wasn't going to hold on much longer. D wanted to tell me in person, which I really appreciated. I tried to get my crying done in the car - up until now there was NO crying in the ICU, at least not in our curtain. They had moved him to the spot closets to the nursing station, with all of his tubes and machines it took everyone on staff to get that done.

D and I went in to say our goodbyes. We will never know if he could hear us, I pray to God he couldn't because I would hate for the last time he heard my voice for it to have been shaking so much. Today it was OK to cry in there.

He looked like hell. He had been in the coma for about 3 weeks and the effects were showing. He was bloated to about twice his size. His black curly hair hadn't been cut in months. I had been on him to get a cut about a month before he even went to the hospital for his fever. The nurse had combed it down and parted it in the middle. It looked ridiculous so D and I gave him his afro back. He had only recently begun to lose his hair and while in the coma they had stopped the chemo. The nurses had placed a white towel over the bottom half of his face, his platelet level was so low that he was bleeding through the pores that were large due to years of shaving.

I told him that I loved him and that I would miss him. I kissed his forehead as my tears fell from my cheeks to his. And somehow I turned around and walked out. That was it.

When I got back to school I had to tell Dan that this was it. Somehow I was able to hold myself together while he cried. He loved my dad and my dad loved him. D and I had thought about staying in that night but we both knew that our dad would want us to be having fun. We danced until closing time...when Mel B's "I Need a Miracle" came on we sang as loud as we could in the hopes that somehow God would hear us and grant us that miracle.

Back to the evening of April 21st.

I had been waiting for my phone to ring all day. There had been a false alarm earlier in the evening when I got the dreaded double ring on my phone (double ring calls are from off campus) but it was just a friend checking in on me. Around 6:30 the real call came in.

My stepmother: Are you alone?

Me: Yes but Dan is across the hall.

She was silent.

Me: Just say it.

All I remember hearing was "Daddy died tonight."

Me: OK, I have to tell Dan, I will be home as soon as I can.

I walked across the hall into Dan's suite where he and all of his friends were watching a movie and just kind of fell into him. Everyone got up and crammed themselves into a little dorm to give us a moment. This is when I finally cried...I couldn't stop. Somehow he got me up and brought me back over to my suite. Before I made it into my room I collapsed again. I don't know what it was, I knew it was coming - his death was not a shock. (Fun side note, during this time my suite mate came home and just stepped over me to get into her room - nice huh?).

After a few minutes people started to come in and give me hugs and express their condolences. I had no idea what was going on. My college was 15 miles from my home but I wasn't sure if I would be coming back to school so I started tossing random things in a large tote.

There wasn't much to do when we got home. We tried to figure out a plan for the funeral, I remember someone suggested just getting a wheel barrel. That is how my dad would have wanted us to cope. Humor was very important to him. My stepmother contacted the Red Cross, that is how you get this kind of information to a service member and my brother was a Marine at Camp Lejeune at the time. We agreed to meet up the next day. Dan and I headed back to campus.

I don't remember the rest of the night, I think I made some phone calls to my friends the rest learned it from my AIM away message. The next few days were a blur as well, I had to notify my professors, find some clothes for the wake and funeral. D and I went to the mall to get our badly neglected eyebrows waxed and the woman asked what the occasion was that sisters came in together and we just blurted out that it was for our father's wake. Tact had flown out the window.

Senior year I took a poetry class and this is the first poem I wrote in that class:

Goodbye

The walk is long down this sterile corridor

the walls so white I could be lost in a cloud

there are rows of beds, each like the last until

I stop

I am here

The smell of 10,000 Band-aids surrounds me

Somewhere among the contents of the room is my father

Some machines beep while others hum softly

What seem to be 100 tubes overtake his still body

and there he is

This should be easy

I said goodbye when I was 5-

as I went off to school

I said goodbye when I was 19-

when I moved away from home

There I was again a year later, time again to say goodbye-

my last moments with my father before it is his time to go

I have lost the words,

for what seems like hours I stand

holding his hand in mine

Does he know I am here?

Can he hear me?

If I never say it will he live forever?

Am I ever going to wake up?

Goodbye daddy, goodbye

As I walk out of the room I realize

here comes the hard part.

yea, she's that big

I had Little A's 4 month appointment and wow, she is huge.  She's weighing in at 18lbs 6oz and 25 inches long.  No wonder she's in 6-9 month clothes.  She shorter by .25 inches and heavier by 2 lbs than TC was at this point.  Everything else was good but I am thinking I want to switch back to an off post provider for her.  Doc isn't a fan of this doctor personally and I think he should have been a little more hands on during her appointment, shouldn't he check her head?  But she's a happy kid and is healthy as far as I know...

Things with TC are going well, today was tough since my schedule was way off.  It is so nice to have dinner planned out and not have to "oh crap" moment at 2:30 and I haven't had to run to the commissary.  I've tried new recipes from Pinterest and while one was a bust the others have been really good.  Also, I thought I should let you know that TC has asked for music over TV several times - it's mostly because she loves to sing Adele.  Thank you for all the comments from my last post, I am loving any advice and encouragement. 

I still am feeling really lost.  I don't know if I really want to get into it yet but something is most defiantly off.  I really hate it here, Doc is different here.  I'm finding myself going back to that January day in 2010 and wishing I could change what happened.  I miss when we had control, when I had a say, well as much of a say as any army wife can.  He's slipping and the worst thing is that he has no idea.

I need to make a change

http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kr2c6wDhdQ1qa6fwjo1_500.jpg

My diagnosis: constant complainer

My cure: make some changes

When TC was the new kid I thought I was just amazing at time management and some sort of model stay at home mom.  I had a nice schedule which included 2 hour walks and 90 minute workouts daily.  I had my weekly Target runs and every other week commissary trips.  Sure there were some days when it didn't come together but for the most part I could do it.  Now, well, forget it.

When I was pregnant I was so sick so I relied on the TV more than I ever wanted.  After I had Little A it continued, I was adjusting to life with 2 kids and taking a long time to recover.  Now I have no excuse, TC gets so crazy some days I would rather listen to Mickey Mouse sing his bubble song 5 times a day than hear her crying and screaming.  Why is she melting down?  I am failing to anticipate her needs because I am distracted by the other one.  Like I said before, TC isn't the best at telling us her needs before they become urgent.  Little A is on some what of a schedule now so this is the time.  If I don't make changes soon my house may turn into a Hoarders style disaster and my kid will start twitching if she goes a day with out TV.

Honest mom confession: I told TC to kiss Daddy before I put her to bed, she said "no kisses" then walked over to the TV and kissed that.  Seriously.   The sports fan in me wants to say she was kissing hockey since that was on - who knows maybe she was.  My kid kissed the f'ing TV!

Before the TV love stated I had already decided on making these changes, that was just the kick in the butt I really needed to make sure I stick with it.  So here it is (bullets not numbers since there really isn't an order):

• All meals will be eaten in the kitchen.  Breakfast can be eaten at the counter but the rest will be at the table.  This is how I've always wanted it but Doc constantly complains.  I think it's essential that a family have dinner together and the sooner you start it the better.  If Doc doesn't want to join us that is his choice.  Plus eating breakfast in the kitchen will give me back the opportunity to clean every morning.
• I will meal plan, not just dinner but TC's lunch too.  I will do my best to mix it up for her.  I've got this coming week planned out. 
• I will have our activities planned out the night before.   I hope to have something specific for both pre and post nap.  Tomorrow we will do a baseball themed craft while we watch the game at 8AM (I know - it's on TV but it's from MLB.TV and at least there are no commercials).  Tomorrow afternoon we will play in the kiddie pool in the back yard.  I have to figure out the rest of the week but most mornings will include a morning walk which is usually 90 minutes to 2 hours.
• If I am blessed to have them both down for a nap at the same time I will take the first 30 minutes and do something for myself (and a shower doesn't count - that's a necessity so if that hasn't been done yet my 30 minutes will start after).  If I get a full thirty minutes lucky me if not oh well but it will be nice to know that I tried.  When I was working outside of the home I got a lunch break where I could turn off and I will do my best to replicate that.
• I will ask for help.  I hate to do it, I want him to offer and want to help.  I will ask, if he says no at least it will make him actively think about all that I do around here.

That's the bones that I have so far.  Once I get this down I will add more if I can.  I would like to have set time for special projects, not things that I want to do because I enjoy them but because once they are done it will help the house run more smoothly.  The 2 that I am thinking of off the top of my head are returning the black grout to its once tan color and removing everything from the pantry (it because the "catch all" after we moved) and make it a pantry/craft room because it's just that big. 

I need to be more organized and less frazzled.  I want to enjoy this time with my kids, it wont be long before they are spending most of their waking hours in school and then after that they will be off.  I will check in with updates on how things are going, if you have something similar in your house please tell me how you got it to work for you (or direct me to your blog post about it).  

Now it's time for Game of Thrones with my husband then the start of a whole new way of doing things.

operation friend - an update

So the girl next door is fantastic.  I am so relieved.  We've been walking several times a week which is good for friendship building and the waistline.  It's so nice to have someone to talk to who I can actually talk to.  When I go to the stuff on post (story time, MOPS) no one ever wants to try to get to know me so it's all surface stuff, and yes I've tried!

I feel like we are a lot alike, once Little A is on a better sleep schedule we are going to have a girls night - I can't wait.  The thing about this town is that you have to be careful about where you go.  When I moved in Doc's boss offered me his handgun in case I ever had to go to Wally's after dark.  If we do venture out after dark it will have to be a chain restaurant in the shopping center which isn't all bad.  I will be glad when they do away with the post decals, military spouses have been target here and it's all because of the car decals, but I digress.

Like I said before, I'm easing my way into a friendship but I have a good feeling about it.  We will live 20 feet from each other for the next 3 years so it's good that she doesn't suck.

The big test will being getting our husbands together...

not a real problem

I have been blessed with two happy, healthy, amazing girls.  I don't take any of that for granted, I still carry the early loss of my first pregnancy back in 2008 with me.  I hope my girls have self esteem and strength, that's one of the most important things I can try to instill in them.  I know it's not all about what your look like but it is a part if it, especially in their younger years.

I have been blessed with beautiful daughters, I know that every mother says that but I really mean it (ha!).  When they were both born I thought they were just a little funny looking, TC with her huge eyes and Little A was just a little Elmer Fudd looking.  I'm allowed to say it, I'm their mom.  They've both grown into their looks.  TC has been getting us stopped in stores since she was about 3 months old and that made me nervous for TC, I didn't want her to feel like she was less than her sister (I've been there and it sucks).  Now that Little A is growing I see she is just as beautiful which is a major weight off of my shoulders.  (It's alright if you think I'm shallow - I just don't want little A to be made to feel the way I was.)

At Little A's two month appointment the doctor mentioned the dry skin on her eyebrows, I didn't think it was anything because TC always had random dry skin.  He said it's actually a skin condition like eczema and will flare up periodically.  Doc has it and I have seen how it bothers him.  While we were talking about this I broke down a little, I can just see the kids in school picking on her.  Kids are mean.  I guess, for whatever reason, it doesn't flare much during adolescence so it shouldn't be much of a problem then but still, this is one of the things she is going to have to deal with.  It makes me sad that it's right there on her face.  

Add It's not easy to see here but see how her eyebrows are a but yellowish?  That's where it will flare if it does.

She also has it all over her back, it's bad.  I wonder if it's uncomfortable for her.    My poor baby, to me she is still perfect but I hate that she has to deal with this.  If anyone has tips to help me make her more comfortable please share them!

 

 

Like I said, I know this is not a real problem, this is just a skin condition and I and thankful daily for my girls' good health.  

the littlest feet in the house

As promised here is what Little Miss A has been up to.  She is 16 weeks (I know you're doing math, but she wont actually be 4 months until the 17th).
 
I am so glad to be passed the newborn stage.  I do love the cuddles and the coos that only a brand new baby can make but I find deliberate hugs and genuine smiles to be much more rewarding.  She is now sleeping in her crib in her own room, I haven't had to use the rock 'n play for a few weeks.  She is still waking up in the night, a few times.  We have entered into the 4 month wakeful period in her development which has her up for an hour around 3 or 4 AM, it lasted a few weeks with TC so I am hoping it will be over soon. In the morning when I rescue her from her lonely crib she squeezes my neck in a itty-bitty baby bear hug.

Home girl  is HUGE.  I don't know how much she weighs right now but I just moved her into 6-9 month clothes!  I think this is crazy, TC walked at 8.5 months so these are the clothes that she took her first steps in and Little A still can roll herself over yet, she's trying but her extra weight and the bulky cloth diaper seen to be making it hard.  I am in no rush to make her reach any of her milestones, I know she's not TC and will do things in her own time.  Since I am still in the "this is my last baby" camp I will keep her a baby as long and she would like.  In my experience as soon as they start moving around they stop needing cuddles.

She smiles and laughs all the time, she's such a happy baby.  She is a total Momma's girl and I love it, she lights up every single time she looks at me.  Her father is the one who can really make her belly laugh though.  She may love her parents but the one person in the house that she adores is TC, her big sister is the cat's pajamas.  She will track her around the house all day with a big smile on her face.  I know that as soon as she is on the move she will always be right next to TC and that makes me so happy. 

She is still nursing like a champ, I am sure that is the reason for my recent rapid weight loss since I enjoy a diet of peanut butter cups and Sam Adams.  I have no desire to start solids before 6 months and even then I am in no hurry.  She is in cloth diapers all day, she sleeps in a disposable though, so far it's working out great.  I am thinking of buying some hemp liners because I hear they are more absorbent, anyone have any input?

I look at her and just feel so complete, she was what was missing from our family.  When TC is driving me crazy I look at Little A laughing away at her and it calms me.  It wasn't long ago that TC was wearing those clothes and it won't be long before Little A is telling me no while running away with her undies on her head.

Anyway, that's pretty much it, she's 16 weeks so nothing too exciting I guess.  I just can't get enough of her dimples, Kate Gosslin hair or big (still blue) eyes.

MilSpouse (first) Friday Fill-In #70

1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
I would have had more patience but I think I can say that every month.  Oh and less nail polish on my carpet.

2. What was your favorite thing that happened in March? 
TC bed finally being assembled and used. 

3. Check your phone… who was the last person you called and what is your favorite thing about them?
My sister, that despite our ups and downs we've been best friends since the moment I was born.

4. If you were a crayon, what color would you be and why?
Orange, it's often under appreciated and misused.  (Wow does that make me sound introspective and deep?  I'm not!)

5. What are you looking forward to in April?
More developmental milestones for Little A, hopefully she'll roll herself over soon.

the TBI that keeps taking

Little A wore one of TC's old Red Sox onsies today.  Doc asked me where I got it and I reminded him that it was TC's and she wore it to one of the Sox games we took her to in Seattle.  He then replied "We took her to a Red Sox game?".  We took her to two.

We have a picture of the 3 of us at the game in our entry way.  We had a great time at the games and it's a memory that I will always cherish and I thought it was the same for him.  He held her through both games...I just can't believe it.  Sure, forget a conversation now and then but two full days?  This sucks, my heart breaks for him.

You can see the write ups on the Sox games here and here.

So add this to the list of things he doesn't remember along with our wedding, the birth of our first daughter and so many other things, many that I don't even know about.

chop chop

The stars finally aligned and I was able to leave both kids home and get my hair cut.  I didn't even care who cut it, it just needed to be done.  The last cut I got was in September so it was time.  I showed the stylist a picture of my last cut and she went to town.  I said I want layers and to be able to put it in a ponytail, she must have forgotten then ponytail part because it is super short. 

It's not a bad haircut at all, in fact it's super cute but I wasn't ready for short hair again.  Doc asked if it was my menopause cut...awesome.

I went from this, a nice length but a lot of damage and it took a while to style.  

To this, a really cute cut that is taking some getting used to.

And finally, I am posting this because I am pretty damn happy.  I am finally back to where I was when I got pregnant with TC, the scale said 150 yesterday morning (I'm 5'7" for what it's worth).  I was stuck at 157 after I had TC for the longest time.  I still have 10lbs to get to my happy weight but I am going to celebrate this one.  I think I look pretty good for a 31 year old with 2 kids.  Under that shirt is still a good about of jiggle and baby pooch but I have a 15 week old so it's alright with me.

TC the wonderful

While some things may be unpredictable in life, especially in the life of those of us living with a TBI patient, there are some things that will never change.  My girls bring so much happiness into my life.   Here's what TC has been up to, coming soon Little A.

TC is the definition of the terrible twos.  She is finding and pushing ever limit she can.  It is beyond frustrating, I admit I yell more than I thought I would.  We do time outs which seem to help but what really helps is counting to 3, it gives her a chance to correct her behavior before a time out.  It worked better when my mom did it with my sisters and me but that because when she got the 3 your ass got bruised.  That's not my style. 

I know this stage will pass and I also know that she's learning through the tantrums.  She no longer grunts when she wants something.  The simple word "help" is an amazing thing and from help we got to "down", "stuck", and other specific words.  What I've been hearing the last few days is amazing and I am sure will make our days a lot more fun, she's starting to tell us when she's hungry.  When she is hungry you don't want to be around her.  It's not like we don't feed her, we like to make sure she has food available at all times because despite her small stature she eats like a trucker.  At 9:30 this morning instead of throwing her xylophone on the floor and asked me for mac & cheese.  She got berries and was happy. 

As a big sister she's amazing.  Really amazing.  I was so nervous about how she would react and while it took a little time to come around now she perfect.  Everything she does she wants to know if Little A can join her, it melts my heart when I hear her say "sisters?".  Her desire to share with her can be a problem, she fed her applesauce a few weeks ago and has also tried to give her blueberries, pizza, peanut butter (yikes) and yogurt.  Since the applesauce we are much more careful about keeping the food from Little A but it fun to see her offer.  A few days ago she was brushing her hair and accidentally hit her with the hairbrush and today I turned around and she had her straw in Little A's mouth  both of which lead to screams from the baby and some careful juggling from me.  While I don't want to discourage TC from sharing and caring for her sister I have to be sure that she understands that she needs to be gentle and ask me before she gives her something.  Tonight when Little A started to cry TC ran over to her chair and buried her head in her arms.  I brought the baby over to her and told her that Addie was alright but she was a little hurt so TC just needs to learn to be more gentle.  I then had TC give me a hug and kiss then the same for her sister.    

While she is very challenging I love every moment with her.  She's not perfect and neither am I, we are learning this parenting thing together.  Some days I start counting down to bed time before lunch and that's okay, some nights I hate to see her go to bed.  I'm trying hard to stop comparing her and my parenting to my friends' kids and styles, she may watch more Mickey Mouse and eats more pizza that the next kid and it's finally alright with me.  She's growing into a great kid all on her own.