gross

I'm sick, I feel like my head is going to explode.  The snot wont stop (I told you it was gross).  I'm been drinking hot tea, taking hot baths, sticking my head under a towel over a pot of boiling water, smearing vicks on myself and nothing helps.  To make things better, I had my first clogged milk duct the other night, ouch!

I would love some Sudafed...of the thought of sweet relief...I'm not ready to risk my milk supply so I will suffer.  I hope it passes soon.  I really wanted to show TC off in her costume at the mall but I didn't want to risk passing this cold around.  Tonight we are hanging out int the back of the house with our outside lights off, I don't want to deal with trick or treaters while I'm sick.

And now, what you are really here to see....

this and that

I've left you all on the edge of your seats waiting to hear how things are going with the nightly feedings and operation don't look like a d-bag.  OK, I know you're not at the edge of your seats but I'm going to update you anyway.

I've still been getting dressed daily and I'm happy about that.  I think it's going to help me not get fat too, as long as my jeans still fit I'm good.  Here's a sampling of what I've been throwing on, nothing fancy but why go fancy when the odds of getting puked or pooped on are so high?

I am so ready to trade these D cups for my old B cups...

Since deciding to cut out night feedings I haven't fed her and it's gone pretty well.  She has started waking up less often and when she does wake up she whimpers for a few minutes (5 tops) and falls back to sleep, I don't even need to go in to help her.  Actually, me going in there makes it worse.

Two nights ago she had a total meltdown, screaming and miserable.  I went in and tried to help her, she ended up needing some Motrin for teething but the best thing is that I stood my ground and did not feed her.  (Yikes it sounds like I'm withholding  food, she really isn't hungry she just wants the comfort.)  She's also sleeping in longer and that makes for a happy momma.  My supply seems to be leveling off which is good but it's also making me nervous - I don't want to dry up because I am just not ready for that.

And finally, I got back on the elliptical this morning!  The way we h ave everything set up TC is locked into he sun room with the baby gates and couches and the elliptical is behind one of the couches so I was able to work out and watch her.  The goal is for 3 times a week minimum.

These are 3 things that I can control.  With everything else in my life so out of my hands I need to focus on the small things that make me smile. 

some days

Some days are just harder than others.

Christmas Cards (with special offers & TC's dress preview)

Like I've said, we have used Shutterfly in the past and loved them.  Last year we didn't do Christmas cards because Doc was doing his soldier thing in Iraq and I was too pregnant and irritable to be bothered.  I knew that the 2010 Christmas cards were going to be the most fun because we would have an adorable baby to feature.  I've been looking over the Shutterfly page trying to decide what card we will use this year and think I'm decided on this one

It's clean, it's classic and has snowflakes.  Snowflakes and snow are this family's thing.  I'm not 100% yet, I might switch it up and go for a religious card because I am not a fan of the PC "happy holidays" stuff.

And finally because paying full price is for suckers there is this:

“Shutterfly is offering 20% off all holiday cards”

And now, TC's Christmas dress.  For the picture hat or pigtails?

big night

We didn't get her actual first steps (which were better steps than these) but I'm glad we got something.  I can't believe it, 8.5 months old!

I swore I would never do this again

Cha cha sliding with the bride

or this...

smile pretty in a crazy dress

or this...

wear matching dresses

or this...

perma smile all day

But for someone who loved me since these days asks

Jillian and me 7th grade (1994)

 you say YES!

TBI update

Today we had an appointment on post with a counselor who works exclusively with special operations (JSOC) members and their families.  Like I've said before, life is challenging right now but Doc and I are doing great as a couple, that being said I don't think there is anything wrong with a little preemptive maintenance.  Much like getting an oil change for your car, it keeps things running smoothly.  I like that he's JSOC, he understands the stresses that special operators and the families deal with. (Not saying they are better than other soldiers but each group has its own mentality.)

We talked about Doc's experience with the TBI clinic and he was outraged when he found out the doctor there wrote Doc off saying "I've seen worse cases"and had a great analogy, you wouldn't tell someone "you have cancer but I've seen worse" you treat it!  So we have another advocate on our side.  I told him that I feel like I don't know where I belong, my husband can't do his job because he was injured so I don't really fit in with my friends who have husbands on the line but he wasn't shot or blown up and we never had to deal with Walter Reed or anything like that so I don't fit in with the wives of other wounded soldiers.  Doc doesn't see the importance in me needing someone to relate to but this guy does, maybe as he and Doc continue meeting he can help Doc see that I'm hurting too. 

I'm not going to continue to meet with him, I am glad to have gone in and said what I needed to say, to let him know how the injury is really changing our everyday lives.  He and Doc will continue to meet and if he feels that it would be a good idea for me to join them once in a while I will.  Doc doesn't buy in to the whole counselor thing for the most part but we like this guy and he's willing to do it for me.  Obviously I am not going to post about that very much, that is his thing.  I don't even ask him what they talk about, if he wants to share I will listen.

The good news is that he has been headache free for about a week.  I'm still hoping for a full recovery, maybe I'm crazy for thinking it can happen but I'm just not ready to give up on that.

my baby

 TC had her 9 month appointment today (she's 8.5 months) and she's 20 pounds and 2 ounces and 26.75 inches tall.  She's short and fat and I love it.  We got to see her doctor for the first time since her 4 month appointment which was nice, I really like him.  He was really impressed with my little lady and I can't blame him, she's pretty amazing.  Here is what she is up to these days (some of these things she's been doing for a while)

• She's an expert crawler and would probably win a crawling race if such a thing existed.
• She pulls up and cruises around the room while holding on to things
• She lets and stands unassisted for almost a minute
• She says up and momma, we're working on dada
• She imitates the dog by barking when he barks
• She has 4 teeth, 2 on top 2 on the bottom
• She feeds herself finger foods like blueberries and puffs, she mastered pinching
• She throws a ball like a girl, we've got time to work on that
• She seems to favor her left hand but we will see how that plays out.

I talked to the doctor and Teagan's night feedings and he told me what I already knew, I need to stop.  I imagine that I am in for a few hard nights with this.  I really hate for her to cry and I don't want her to think that I am not there when she needs me.  I know it sounds silly but a few prayers in doing this would be appreciated.

So yea, that's my kid.  I wanted to add some pictures but I can upload them right now. 

I have no good title

Good news, I'm pretty happy.  I haven't posted a real blog in about a week.  Last Friday I went to the mall to get TC a winter hat because it's flippen cold here.  H&M has the cutest hats and she is adorable in it.  As we were wondering the mall I noticed the new Forever 21 opened and I went to check it out with no real expectations.  The Forever 21 that I am used to in the Providence Place Mall back home (miss that mall) is the size of a Spencer's store and is always a mess.  Yea there is some cute stuff but you have to dig for it.  This Forever 21 was in a former Nordstroms and it was HUGE.   I got 10 items for $50 :)  A sweater ($11.50), 2 short sleeved sweaters ($8.50 each) a long sleeve T ($4.50), a T ($4.50) and some camis.  not a bad loot.   It felt good to get myself some new stuff and it makes me excited to get dressed in the morning.

They I went to Helzberg to have my rings cleaned and found out the center stone in my engagement ring was loose so it had to be sent in to be fixed, I was bummed because I couldn't wear my ring for months when I was pregnant so being without it again sucked. I picked it up today and ($120 later grrr) it looks like brand new.   I shouldn't really complain because I could have lost my diamond but this is the second time in 5 years that it's come loose...

As for Doc, he's OK.  He is now looking into jobs in the army that he can do in his current condition.  Basically we need something that is non deployable that wont leave him bored and frustrated.  He may just need a little more time to heal.  Believe me, I know that a non deployable soldier sounds like a contradiction but jobs it's important that these jobs are available for the guys injured in the line of duty so they are knocked out on their asses.  Our main objective is to do what we can to get him back in to fighting shape (literally).

So that's basically it, oh and I picked up TC's Christmas dress today, I hope to get some pictures taken tomorrow and of course I will share them with you all.

And finally, D sent me a text picture of her desk, all the kids who come into her office to discuss their braces get to see this: 

50 Free Holiday Cards from Shutterfly

 Tis the season!  Start thinking about those Christmas cards.  I've used Shutterfly for my cards for the past few years and haven't been disappointed and now you can get 50 cards for free (honestly, I don't have 50 people to send cards to but free is free).   Go to the link below and tell them about your blog, it's that easy.

http://blog.shutterfly.com/5358/holiday2010-blog-submission-form/

Nope, I'm not getting anything for sharing this with you, I just can't keep a good deal to myself.

Now the pressure is on to find a Christmas dress for TC to have her picture taken in, Be on the look out for my contenders, I think I'm going to need help choosing.

a few quick things

I have a new favorite picture of TC.

I'm going nuts with disinfecting wipes, I just bought about 1.5 million of them at Costco and pretty much every hard surface in my house has been hit.

Football is a dangerous sport, sometime people will get hurt from a clean hit.  It sucks but it's all part of the game and the players know this and it's reflected in their paychecks.

I bought my Halloween candy today, I hope I'm able to stay away from it.

Doc saw his buddies off, it was hard.

I've been doing a baby message class with a friend and her baby.  My poor kid hates it but tomorrow is the last class so I think she'll have to suck it up for another day.

Wearing real clothes during the week makes sweat pants Sunday even better.

Doc's in bed and it's time that I join him.

follow up

My entry yesterday got the most response this little blog has seen since TC was born.  I had no idea so many of you felt the same way about ditching the sweat pants.  And I really think it helped, while I was exhausted from no sleep (seriously, why does my 8.5 month old still want to nurse every 2-3 at night?) I had a little extra pep in my step.  I know it sounds silly but we watch a rerun of According To Jim every evening and I love how the wife is always so cute in just jeans and a sweater - I just wish I had the budget of a sitcom wardrobe department to keep me clothed :).

Anyway, I thought I would share my outfit for today with you.  I dared to venture into the back of my closet where some tops that I Have not had the balls to try on have been hiding.  Mostly button downs that I don't think will tit over my big ol boobs, I was brave and tried one on and to my surprise it fits!  Sure I am not buttoning it all the way up but I never did anyway.  But here I am wearing this exact outfit in on St. Patty's Day 2009 (with D) and them me today - not too bad huh?

Yea I'm not sure what my hair is thinking

 And because it's a little chilly I've added a new element.  Eat that sitcom moms :)

Now I have to pick up the mess you see in the background of the pictures...a SAHM mom's job is never done.

small changes

I can't control what is going on around me but I can control how I react.  I'm going to be happier and I'm going to *try* to focus on what's good in life.  I also need to pay more attention to my own needs.  As a SAHM there are some days that TC and I don't leave the house and that's OK but I find myself not getting dressed on those days.  I shower (usually) but I put on sweats and a hoodie and call it a day.  I didn't realize how much this was really bothering me until I walked into Banana Republic last week and almost cried. 

I love love LOVE fall, I love sweaters and boots and jeans.  I love scarves and wool skirts.  I love opaque tights.  Seeing all these beautiful clothes on display and feeling like a loser because I have no were to wear them stung.  But who says I need a place to wear them?  Maybe wool skirts and tights are a little much for diaper duty I have some pretty cute jeans and sweater just sitting around at home while I'm wearing my ex boyfriend's XXL sweat pants (don't tell Doc where I got them, I love the pants more than I ever did the boy).

I think you've guessed my first little change.  I'm going to be a big girl and get myself dressed every day!

overwhelmed

I just wanted to say thank you for all the support I've gotten.  It means so much  to me (which is why it gets it's own post).  I am sitting here in tears because there are people out there who don't even know me but are so helpful and loving.  I'm unable to talk abut this with many of my family members and friends because they just don't understand. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  It's nice to know there are others going through this too but at the same time it's heartbreaking.

optimistic

Doc just left for work and I'm feeling pretty OK.  He is picking up a prescription this morning that I hope will help his mood swings.  He tried Celexa when he was first diagnosed but hate the side effects so he came off of it.  He needs to find something because it's hard to live with him.  I'm sure most of you the common side effect of antidepressants - it's not easy for a man to deal with.  I love my husband enough to never have sex again if I could just have HIM back. 

TMI?  It's OK, this whole precess isn't pretty.  It's not a lost cause though, I have to keep reminding myself that.  It wouldn't be unheard of for him to get better. 

I've tried talking to Doc about everything that is going on, when it all got so bad again.  I'm just trying to understand what it's like for him so I can get him to understand what it's like for me but he gets so defensive.  I was in tears after trying to talk to him yesterday and of course I got the "tears don't help lecture."  Don't worry, he can get mad all he wants, if I need to cry I sure as hell will cry. 

But this is a new week, new meds, maybe a new start.  Please keep him in your prayers, I would hate for him to just give up.

pallet cleanser

Because I know I am blessed and I don't want it to look as if I don't...