small excitements

As we sit and wait to hear back from the medboard, still, I find myself thinking about some pretty silly things.  Of course I am excited about moving to a place of our choosing and all of that crap but some of the little stuff is pretty exciting too.  I will give you a list.

• Throwing out boxes.  I still have the original box my iMac came in when we bought it in 2008.  I hold on to certain boxes so we will be ready for the next move.  I have a closet full of empty boxes because I don't trust movers (or myself really).
• Flowers.  I want to plant bulbs that will grow every year, and I want to be around to see them every year!  I want to feel good about putting money into a yard because it's MY yard.
• Dressers, my girls don't have dressers, almost everything is hung up or in in a cubbie.  Again, it's a moving issue.  Almost everything we owned broke into a million pieces on the trip from Rhode Island to North Carolina, the army reimbursed us about $120.
• Canisters.  I see all of these amazing organization tips on Pinterest and I don't want to spend time and money on any of that without knowing what kind of storage we will end up with.  I can't even start to explain to you how badly I want everything I own in a canister with a label (it's a sickness).
• Headboard - I want one, I don't have one.
• Purging, there is SO MUCH crap that we've been schlepping from place to place that is just not worth the trouble.  You know how it is, you bring something in your home, it finds a purpose, and you feel like you can't live without it.  I am looking at 3 things at this moment that I think I will happy dance when I toss them in the dumpster. 

Then there are a few things I would here if I knew we were staying like buying a shade structure and moving the playroom to the other side of the house....ugh.

I have limbo....hate it, hate it, HATE it.

♥ - Amber

speaking up

Doc can't read my mind, at this point he can hardly pick up on very obvious hints.  I have a hard time coming to him with things because I never know how he will react.  I could go to him with the same information on any given day and one day I will be attacking him, one day I will be feeling sorry for myself and another day he will appreciate what I have to say really listen.  Last night I took a shot, he had already taken an sleepy pill so there was a chance that if he did get mad he wouldn't remember.  (He did remember which hopefully will work out well for me.)

It was kind of a big thing too.  Earlier in the day I was remembering back to 2005 when he left for basic training, I felt like I knew him better when we were living 1000 miles apart.  It's so funny how it all came back to me, I was driving home from the market listening to the 90s station on XM and Informer by Snow came on.  If you don't know the song, it's horrible - bad white guy reggae - lots of fast nonsensical lyrics.  When Doc was in basic one of his drill sergeants called him Informer instead of our last name, Doc asked me to transcribe the lyrics for him and send them so he could sing the song the next time he was called Informer.  I did, it took 3 notebook pages but I did it.  Just like he would have for me at that point.  No request was too much, too stupid. 

I was then hit with the memory of the letters from basic, his requests for pictures.  The phone calls from the payphones on the cold Georgia nights when he would cry because he missed me (not often but it happened).  He LOOOOOVED me, love like they make movies about, love that he may have just curled up and died if I took it away from him. 

Last night when he asked me what was wrong I told him, I wish he loved me like he used to.  I wish he loved me, period.  I know he does because he does but I would like feel like he does.  I would like to see it.  I would like to know it, to feel wanted and appreciated.  Appreciated...I really think that is the key word.  Most people don't have the same type of relationship that they had when they first started dating, I get that, but I would love to see glimpses of it now and then.

So that's it, I said it and he took it in, he didn't tell me I was being dramatic or a loser.  He took it in and that's really all I can hope for right now.  Hopefully I will see some subtle changes now and then, I hope to feel the changes.  I love this man with everything I have, I have given him so much and I just hope he can find a way to let go of some of his issues and remember that I am still a woman - his woman - as well as a mother and his "caregiver".   

♥ - Amber

my friend is raising money for PTSD & TBI education

I don't usually do this, in fact I don't think I have ever done this but obviously this is something that is near and dear to my heart - the Red Sox.  OK, that's a joke, PTSD & TBI education has actually eclipsed my beloved Sox in order of importance in my heart.  But how cool is it that they can come together?

The Walk-Run to Home Base event raises money for the Red Sox foundation which works with Massachusetts General Hospital to mitigate the stigma and encourage veterans and their families to get the support and care they deserve.  (Lifted from the event website)"Since the number of professionals specifically trained to diagnose and treat these injuries is inadequate to handle the growing demand, the Home Base Program also offers opportunities for health care professionals from across New England and beyond to increase their understanding of how to help veterans."

My friend's team is trying to raise $1000 dollars but as we know, fundraising these days isn't always easy.  If you can help out I know she would appreciate it.  I would appreciate it!

This is the Team's website http://www.runtohomebase.org/2013runtohomebase/AmyHaug and if you can give, anything you can give would be appreciated.

♥ - Amber

21 April 2001

In all my awkward high school glory (1999).

12 years without my dad, it doesn't seem possible that I have seen that smile in 12 years.  It feels like I just talked to him.  I can't believe how much he has missed.

I just hope he is proud of me.  I wonder if he sees my struggles and would have some words of wisdom for me that no one else has said.  I miss my sounding board, my buddy.

Like I said on twitter yesterday, the grief is long gone but the pain is constant. 

Would you believe that even after 12 years I have to stop myself from calling him or sending him a quick email?  Before I know it I will have known him in death longer than life, the thought is torturous.

This is the post I wrote a few years ago, I am sure I will be reposting this, on this day, for as long as I keep this blog:

Sophomore year, I was alone in my dorm room watching "28 Days". I was glad to be alone but it was comforting to know that my boy friend (Dan) was in his suite across the hall. The night before my sister D had come to visit me at school and we had plans to go out dancing that night but we had a pit stop to make before that.

On the way to the hospital D told me that this was probably it. Our stepmother had called her earlier in the day to tell her that he wasn't going to hold on much longer. D wanted to tell me in person, which I really appreciated. I tried to get my crying done in the car - up until then there was NO crying in the ICU, at least not in our curtain. They had moved him to the spot closets to the nursing station, with all of his tubes and machines it took everyone on staff to get that done.

D and I went in to say our goodbyes. We will never know if he could hear us, I pray to God he couldn't because I would hate for the last time he heard my voice for it to have been shaking so much. That day it was OK to cry in there.

He looked like hell. He had been in the coma for about 3 weeks and the effects were showing. He was bloated to about twice his size. His black curly hair hadn't been cut in months. I had been on him to get a cut about a month before he even went to the hospital for his fever. The nurse had combed it down and parted it in the middle. It looked ridiculous so D and I gave him his afro back. He had only recently begun to lose his hair and while in the coma they had stopped the chemo. The nurses had placed a white towel over the bottom half of his face, his platelet level was so low that he was bleeding through the pours that were large due to years of shaving.

I told him that I loved him and that I would miss him. I kissed his forehead as my tears fell from my cheeks to his. And somehow I turned around and walked out. That was it.

When I got back to school I had to tell Dan that this was it. Somehow I was able to hold myself together while he cried. He loved my dad and my dad loved him. D and I had thought about staying in that night but we both knew that our dad would want us to be having fun. We danced until closing time...when Mel B's "I Need a Miracle" came on we sang as loud as we could in the hopes that somehow God would hear us and grant us that miracle.

Back to the evening of April 21st.

I had been waiting for my phone to ring all day. There had been a false alarm earlier in the evening when I got the dreaded double ring on my phone (double ring calls are from off campus) but it was just a friend checking in on me. Around 6:30 the real call came in.

My stepmother: Are you alone?

Me: Yes but Dan is across the hall.

She was silent.

Me: Just say it.

All I remember hearing was "Daddy died tonight."

Me: OK, I have to tell Dan, I will be home as soon as I can.

I walked across the hall into Dan's suite where he and all of his friends were watching a movie and just kind of fell into him. Everyone got up and crammed themselves into a little dorm to give us a moment. This is when I finally cried...I couldn't stop. Somehow he got me up and brought me back over to my suite. Before I made it into my room I collapsed again. I don't know what it was, I knew it was coming - his death was not a shock. (Fun side note, during this time my suite mate came home and just stepped over me to get into her room - nice huh?).

After a few minutes people started to come in and give me hugs and express their condolences. I had no idea what was going on. My college was 15 miles from my home but I wasn't sure if I would be coming back to school so I started tossing random things in a large tote.

There wasn't much to do when we got home. We tried to figure out a plan for the funeral, I remember someone suggested just getting a wheel barrel. That is how my dad would have wanted us to cope. Humor was very important to him. My stepmother contacted the Red Cross, that is how you get this kind of information to a service member and my brother was a Marine at Camp Lejeune at the time. We agreed to meet up the next day. Dan and I headed back to campus.

I don't remember the rest of the night, I think I made some phone calls to my friends the rest learned it from my AIM away message. The next few days were a blur as well, I had to notify my professors, find some clothes for the wake and funeral. D and I went to the mall to get our badly neglected eyebrows waxed and the woman asked what the occasion was that sisters came in together and we just blurted out that it was for our father's wake. Tact had flown out the window.

Senior year I took a poetry class and this is the first poem I wrote in that class:

Goodbye

The walk is long down this sterile corridor

the walls so white I could be lost in a cloud

there are rows of beds, each like the last until

I stop

I am here

The smell of 10,000 Band-aids surrounds me

Somewhere among the contents of the room is my father

Some machines beep while others hum softly

What seem to be 100 tubes overtake his still body

and there he is

This should be easy

I said goodbye when I was 5-

as I went off to school

I said goodbye when I was 19-

when I moved away from home

There I was again a year later, time again to say goodbye-

my last moments with my father before it is his time to go

I have lost the words,

for what seems like hours I stand

holding his hand in mine

Does he know I am here?

Can he hear me?

If I never say it will he live forever?

Am I ever going to wake up?

Goodbye daddy, goodbye

As I walk out of the room I realize

here comes the hard part.

♥ - Amber

breathing out

It has been quite the week.  I can't even begin to explain the emotions I am feeling tonight knowing that those scumbags are off the street one way or another.  It is bittersweet as it doesn't reverse what happened on Monday.  I also can't help but think about everyone who lived through what went on today, stuck in their homes afraid to open their doors or get too close to the windows.  I really hope people are able to recognize the need to talk to someone about their experiences if they become too much to handle.  PTSD is no joke and nothing to be ashamed of.

That being said, this week I was lucky to have a chance to escape it all even if for just an hour or so.  I left my napping kids with Doc and took my dog and decided to finally explore the desert trail on post.  I am so glad I did, we had some unseasonably cool weather (read - 75 for a high) so it was the perfect time to wander the desert.  While I didn't gain any great knowledge like some famous desert wanders in past, it did do amazing things.  No headphones, no mindless chitchat, nothing but the sound of feet and paws on the sand and rocks.

1. This almost made me turn around before I started!  I was glad I didn't bring headphone since I was constantly listening for rattling sounds.

2. The trail started off nice and easy...

3. ...but then it turned to this, there was another beware of snakes sign right before this.  I watched every rock I stepped on.  Moses was not too impressed with this either.

4. Awkward selfie in front of HUGE cacti.  I would bet the bigger one was over 10 feet tall.  I've been in Arizona for almost 2 years and this is my first cactus picture - can you believe that?

I need to remember to take time like this for myself more often.

That's it for now,  hope that I will sleep better tonight knowing that the Boston PD and all the other law enforcement agencies did an amazing job and the world is a little bit safer.

♥ - Amber

Wordless Wednesday

http://onefundboston.org/

source

♥ - Amber

my town

It's like the plot of a bad movie - attack innocent people at an event celebrated around the world. 

This is my city, no I have never lived in Boston but it is my capitol.  I am a Massachusetts girl born and raised.  I am so excited to get back there as soon as we can.  This is my town, where my teams play, where my kids will play on day trips.  This is where Doc will see some of the best doctors in the world.

I am just sick, I have heard from everyone I know that was in the area, one friend and her daughter were only 20 feet from the second explosion but are fine.  So many are not so lucky.  It is just heart breaking.  Why, why do people do these things?

Thank God for the brave people who ran toward the danger to help.  Please keep them, the doctors and nurses who are treating people in your thoughts as well as those who have been injured or killed.

Heartbreaking, really just heartbreaking. 

♥ - Amber

Love this stage

My little Addie bear is just so fun right now, she toddles around as happy as can be. She gives so many happy kisses as hugs. I remember this stage with TC and I loved it then. I am a little thrown because she is so much older than TC was when she stared doing these things but that is the beauty of two little girls they are their own people.

She at the point where she can let me know what she needs but she doesn't talk back (yet). She's not the best listener but she doesn't throw many tantrums (yet). She follows her sister around just waiting for whatever is coming next.

I wish I could just freeze her where she is for a while because I know how fast it flies. There is no saying that she will be as sassy and fresh as her sister but there's a good chance. I want to remember these days on those super frustrating days when you question your decision to become a mom in the first place.

that kid on the iPad

 
I know we are sick of hearing about moms/dads/dogs whoever on iPhones when they should be spending every waking second catering to their child,  this isn't one of those posts.

I am a big fan of do what works for you as long as you are screwing with other people's kids.  Which is basically what I said way back in 2011 when I wrote this post about parents not paying attention when their little brats are harassing my kid.

I took TC to the market with me on Monday, she's at a weird age for the market.  Three is a little big to ride in the carriage but if I let her walk I would be constantly removing random crap from the cart listening to complaining that she's tired and bored which would then lead to countless false potty trips and God knows what else.  At least this is what happens with my lovely three year old.

I have discovered a cure for this - give that kid an iPad.

The first time she helped me with my shopping list from my app but this time I let her do an interactive Mickey Mouse road rally story.  I got some looks from people like "this bitch can't even handle the grocery store without sticking her kid in front of the TV" but that's OK.  I also got some sweet comments from people who witnessed one of our many kisses or "nose-ies" or when we were singing along to the horrible songs or I was explaining something to her about the story.  Honestly, I didn't care what anyone thought, my little lady was smiling and talking to me and I was shopping in peace.

For so long I avoided doing things because I was afraid of how I would come across.  Apparently I needed every stranger I come across to think I was a good mom but these days...well I really don't care.  As long as my kids are safe and happy I'm good.

Go ahead and assume that the kid watching Mickey Mouse in the coffee aisle is one of those poor kids who watches TV all day, maybe she is.  I look at it as a kid who is going to have a happy shopping trip with her mother with no tears from either of them. 

♥ - Amber

His pain

He is in pain tonight, like a lot. He didn't sleep a wink for 3 days and finally did so with the help of ambien. Today if he takes the ice off of his head it is instant pain, he has no equilibrium so he's stumbling all over the place. Just watching him like this makes me cry, real tears.

It's one thing to feel helpless about the medboard process or his bad mood or his memory loss but when he's in such pain and there is absolutely nothing I can do - helpless doesn't even begin to describe it.

I had other plans for a post today but I can't really give it the thought it needs. But of the 3 posts swimming in my head two of them are fun and happy so that is something!

MilSpouse (First) Friday Fill-In

Head on over to Wife of a Sailor so link up! 


1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
Oh boy, last month was a doosey.  I was expecting it to be better because Doc had his injections but his head seemed to be much worse.  If I could have changed anything I would have taken away his pain, that would have made everything better.

2. What was your favorite thing that happened in March? 
Obviously becoming BFFs (not really) with my favorite band!  If you are just stopping by from the MSFF check out how amazing O.A.R. is here.

3. What are you looking forward to in April?
Nothing in particular.  This is the last month of livable weather here.  Oh I guess we should be hearing back from the MedBoard on their first recommendation.  I am just hoping that Doc can find some relief, I hate that he is in constant pain and I hate when he is horrible to me.
 
4. What is your favorite thing about Spring? 
Well in real life I love the first really warm day of spring when ourdoor patios are opened for the first time in months and you brave a little chill to sit outside in the sun and have a drink...but here in Arizona it is already in the 90s everyday so we get no spring.  I am glad that the splash pad is opening today, the girls will be so happy.

5. What is your ultimate guilty pleasure?I feel no guilt about my pleasures!  But if I had to pick something it would be my love for early 2000s techno and house music.  Amber, Alice DJ, Paul Van Dyke...if it has a lot of bass and fun vocals and made me shake my ass when I was 20 you will hear it coming out of my car when I am alone at 32.

3 reason I started working out again

1. My girls, not only do I want to be healthy for them but I want them to see me being healthy. The see me eat pizza, they can see me work up a sweat.

2. My mental health, this life is nuts and if I don't get this nervous energy out some how I think I may collapse into myself and disappear. Working out will help with that - I hope.

3. My family, no matter what I will be home in July and I don't want to give them any reason to talk about (maybe even worry) me. Everything is always a competition and now that we all have kids I want to win. Sounds childish but it's true, I wasn't the hot sister until my 20s and I would like to stay that way. I am well aware of how shallow this is but we all have shallow thoughts, I am just expressing mine.

In other news, the commissary had half off Easter candy so yea...

A guy thing?

Doc had raked up some dead grass and left it in a pile in the yard, we seem to playing a game of chicken with it both refusing to get rid of it, we do this a lot. Yesterday I finally asked him to deal with it because there looked to be a snake hole in it and here I the desert you don't mess with snakes. He told me that it wasn't a snake hole, it was his pee hole.

I'm sorry, what?

He likes to pee in the yard at night instead of using one of our 2 perfectly nice bathrooms. He said there is nothing freer than peeing outside at night.

I'm sorry, what?

I spent my childhood camping so I can pee outside with the best of them (other than a regretful Fourth of July incident where I was fine but my best friend's foot was not so lucky - sorry Amanda) but I wouldn't call the experience freeing.

I've heard of some other guys doing this too, it has to be a guy thing (and not all guys thank The Lord).

This just means that I had the right idea about boys when I was 5, boys are gross.

Easter round up

We had a good weekend, considering how things were in the week leading up I would even call it a great weekend.  That's just how it is tough, good days are good and bad days are hell and they come and go without warning. 

Yesterday Doc even looked at me and said "thanks for everything you did for Easter".  I looked at him unsure of how to proceed, was he being nice or was he being a dick just trying to get me going...He saw my confusion and said "yea I don't really know what to say now either".  So that's how often what I do gets recognized - but I will take the awkwardness for a little thanks.

I am wondering if TC remembers last Easter because she woke up very disappointed about the lack of eggs.  I didn't want to have them hidden in the morning because the girls wake up at different times.  This was her reaction.

Where are the eggs?

But she wasn't upset for long because as she rounded the corner she saw the baskets. 

Then the sweetest thing happened, the girls were sitting on the floor looking at the stuff when TC took Addie's Cadbury Egg and started to unwrap it, I was sure she was going to take it but as soon as all the foil was off she handed it to her little sister then searched for her own.  I could have died. (Yes, they had candy for breakfast and they loved it!)

I love my girls, I know I am doing with them alright when they have moments like that.

I made brunch for everyone and the girls had an egg hunt after their naps. 

 

TC helping Addie with her eggs and feeding her a Jelly Belly.

Then we relaxed the rest of the day watching hockey waiting for Game of Thrones to start.  It was  the kind of day I needed, I do love my family.