2010 in review

This was fun last year

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
so, so, so many things!  Birthing a baby being the biggest

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I did keep mine from last year, back to pre preg weight.  This next year I just want to survive

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
So many people!  Lots of good friends and blog friends

4. Did anyone close to you die?
close to DH

5. What places did you visit?
Massachusetts and Rhode Island! I loved bringing TC home

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Some peace of mind, I wish we had answers

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Jan 6 - the day Doc was injured
Jan 15 - Doc came home from what will most likely be his last deployment
Feb 2 - my due date, a very lonely day
Feb 5 - TC was born
Since then the days all bled together

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
being a great mother

9. What was your biggest failure?
I feel like I've had so many small ones...biggest not being honest with myself about the situation with Doc

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
2nd degree tear haha

11. What was the best thing you bought?
iPhone

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
TC, she's such a good baby.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Doc's, I know it's not his fault but it still gets to me

14. Where did most of your money go?
bills

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Having TC and my trip home

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
Daughter by Loudon Wainwright III.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder?
Happier and sadder, happy because we have an amazing daughter but sadder because my husband's head is scrambled
b) thinner or fatter? thinner thank God
c) richer or poorer? poorer, one income plus an extra person

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
crafts

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying, I have to trust in His plan (same as last year)

20. How did you spend Christmas in 2010?
with my little family right here in WA

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?
so madly...she's amazing

22. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office - the baby episode :)

23. What did you do for your birthday in 2010?
Went out to breakfast, the glass museum, BJs for lunch then out for drinks with my girlfriends

24. What was the best book you read?
Shopaholic & Baby

25. What did you want and get?
a healthy baby

26. What did you want and not get?
a lotto jackpot haha

27. What was your favorite film of this year?
Avatar

28. Did you make some new friends this year?
I did

29.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
My daughter...she's the best

30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
skirts

31. What kept you sane?
once again the baby

32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ugh non - I am not impressed by those people

33. What political issue stirred you the most?
Health Care

34. Who did you miss?
Everything about home but that's no different than any year

35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
We really have no control.

if I pretend it's not a problem it wont be

 I feel like I've been in denial about my shins, if I don't admit how bad they really are then they are OK.  I've taken the last week off form working out and I am still in constant pain.  In high school (yes 10 year ago) I was diagnosed with stress fractures and they've never gotten better. They are the reason I stopped running.  I LOVED running.  (Well I really loved  having the time to myself but same thing.)

It started out as something that only bothered me while I was working out.  Then it bothered me when I was doing other things like walking around the mall or doing a lot of hose work.  Now it bothers me all the time.  I've finally made an appointment with a doctor.  I don't want to even think about what he's going to tell me.  I love working out and I love doing it on my own terms.  Looks like I may have to learn to love spin and power yoga.

I go on Tuesday, I'll let  you know what happens.

I should be in bed

I should be in bed but I've been working on things for TC birthday.  It's only 39 days away and I want as much done as soon as possible.  I made her banner tonight as well as on of the pom poms (just like at my baby shower.)

I got the instructions for this project here.  Doc thought the contrast of the letters could be greater but I'm happy with it.  I still haven't decided how I'm going to decorate the blank tile, that will be the "1st".
  We are going with purple green and brown, it's not going to be a big over done party, just a fun time for a few friends to celebrate TC's first year.

I'm working on the pom poms now, I've got one white one done and I have a few shades of purple for the others.  Anyone know where I can get brown?  I didn't even think to grab green when I was out, probably later in the week.  The instructions for this projects are here.

But that's it for now, I really should get to bed.

5

5 years ago today, if given the chance I would do it all over again.

This afternoon we have gathered here to witness and to share in the joining of Amber and Doc in marriage.   Amber and Doc, you are here to celebrate the love that you have for each other.  We, your family and friends share in this with you by giving recognition of your decision to accept each another as husband and wife.   This ceremony that we are about to take part in is an emotional and loving testament to the love and commitment you share together.

The marriage relationship encompasses the most sacred of all partnerships. The sweetest and most reassuring feelings of life, the most generous and satisfying impulses of the human heart, find expression in a marriage.  Marriage is a contract, a compact, a union between a man and a woman. It requires nurturing, time, and effort, much like the growing of a daffodil. As much as we desire to see the daffodil blossom into a thing of beauty, so should we want to see this marriage continue to produce blossoms, things of color, fragrance, and a source of pride, created by our efforts.

Please join hands and face one another….

DECLARATION OF VOWS:

Doc, do you take Amber whose hands you now hold, choosing her alone to be your wedded wife? Will you love her, comfort her with kindness, understanding and respect throughout your lives?

(I do)

Amber, will you take Doc whose hands you now hold, choosing him alone to be your wedded husband? Will you love him comfort him with kindness, understanding and respect throughout your lives?

 (I do)

WEDDING VOWS:

I, Doc, take you, Amber, to be my wife;
To have and to hold from this day forward.
I promise to stand by your side;
To encourage and support you;
To be open and honest with you;
To laugh with you, to cry with you;
To always love and honor you.
May my heart be your home, my arms be your shelter;
As long as we both shall live.

I, Amber take you, Doc, to be my husband;
To have and to hold from this day forward.
I promise to stand by your side;
To encourage and support you;
To be open and honest with you;
To laugh with you, to cry with you;
To always love and honor you.
May my heart be your home, my arms be your shelter;
As long as we both shall live

 WEDDING RINGS PLEASE,

(Minister will request that the bride and groom upturn their hands palm up and place in each others hand. The Minister will lay the brides ring on the Groom’s palm and the Groom’s ring on the bride’s palm :)

“Blessing of the Hands”

Doc and Amber look at the hands of your best friend you are holding on your wedding day.
As you promise to love each other for all the days of your life, your hands are young, strong and full of passion for each other.
These are the hands that will passionately love and cherish you through the years, and with the slightest touch will comfort you like no other.
These are the hands that will hold you when fear or grief fills your mind.
These are the hands that will countless times wipe tears of joy and sorrow from your eyes.
These are the hands that will tenderly hold your children.
These are the hands that will help you hold your family together as one.
These are the hands that will give you strength when you need it.
These are the hands that will wear your rings.
Lastly these are the hands that even when wrinkled from age will be reaching for yours at the time of your last parting.

Dear God, bless the hands and rings of Amber and Doc that you see before you this day. May they always be held by one another. Give them the strength to hold on during the storms of stress and the dark of disillusionment. Keep them tender and gentle as they nurture each other in their love. Help these hands to continue building a relationship founded in your grace, rich in caring, and devoted to reaching for your perfection. May Amber and Doc see their four hands as healer, protector, shelter, and guide. We ask this in the name of our God who lives and reigns with you now and forever, Amen.

RING PASSAGES:

The wedding ring is the outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual bond, which unites Doc and Amber, two loyal hearts in endless love. As often as you see these rings, you will be reminded of the promises and vows that you have here made to one another, and the eternal love you have promised one another.

RING EXCHANGE:

Please place the ring on Amber’s finger, and repeat after me.
Amber, I give you this ring in token and pledge as a symbol of all that we share with my constant faith and abiding love.
Please place the ring on Doc ’s finger, and repeat after me.
Doc, I give you this ring in token and pledge as a symbol of all that we share with my constant faith and abiding love.

PRAYERS AND BLESSINGS:

God, we thank you for this beautiful afternoon, for the love and warmth of family and friends who share in this celebration, particularly for those that are here in spirit,  and we especially thank you for Amber and Doc. We thank you, God, for bringing them safely thus far on their journey. We pray that as you join their hands and hearts together to become husband and wife that you will bless them. We Pray that you will give them strength and courage as they face all the decisions that lies before them. We also pray God that you bless these rings that Doc and Amber now wear and may they ever bide in your peace living together in unity, love, and happiness with good purpose to do your will. This we pray in your name. Amen.

ABRAHAMIC BLESSING:

“The Lord bless thee, and keep thee; The Lord make his face shine upon thee, and be gracious unto thee.  The Lord lift up His countenance upon thee, and give thee peace.”

CLOSING:

These two lives are now joined in one unbroken circle. Wherever they go, may they always return to one another in their togetherness.  May Doc and Amber find in each other, the love for which all men and women yearn for. May they grow in understanding and in compassion. May the home that they establish be such a place of peace and sanctuary that all who enter there will find a friend. And may these two rings symbolize the spirit of undying love in the hearts of both of them.

By the authority vested in me by God, His Son Jesus who is my Lord Master and savior, I now pronounce you husband and wife.  You may now kiss the bride.

I have the pleasure of presenting for the first time in public, Mr. and Mrs. Doc.

and to all a good night

 Christmas Eve we got on skype with the inlaws so TC could open her gifts from them.

We also had some so so take out, I really can't stand when people change the spelling of things to sound cute, "Kati out"  give me a break.

 TC's first Christmas is in the books, she loved carrying her books around the house.  As for opening other gifts, she really didn't care.

 

This was the only gift she cared about while it was in the package.  While I am grateful that people wanted to buy her gifts I wish they would have asked what she wanted so I could have told them about her wish list with all the nice wooden toys...

 

 

 

 

Melissa and Doug nesting blocks, I love them!  (From my SIL, she asked what TC wanted)

 
Action shot of Monster TC in action.

Every Christmas morning we have dough boys or "fried dough" it's a yummy disgusting tradition I'm happy to carry on.

 Bubble bubble bubble

 it's OK to drool

 She's a rocker chick, If only she would keep the strings out of her mouth.

We'll be eating ham for weeks, we've had a good day.  TC has way more toys than she needs.  We are blessed. 

Merry Christmas!

Doc is out proving me wrong.  I's not about what he puts in the stocking, it's about him wanting to do it.  No matter what has happened or will happen we are very blessed to have found each other.

I hope everyone has an amazing Christmas Eve and Christmas day.  If you are lucky enough to be with all the people you love be sure to hold on extra tight.  If you are missing people this Christmas you are in my prayers.

no Christmas for me

Doc and I agreed only stockings this year, we don't need gifts.  We've done this in the past and it's been fun, he would always go way overboard and spend way too much money but he had fun and so did I.   I've got his stocking set and ready to go, unfortunately I don't think I'm getting one.  He just hasn't made any effort to do it.  Either he's too tired after work, his head hurts or he can't handle the crowds.  He's on a 24 hour shift right now and something tells me that shopping on Christmas Eve is not in his plans.  In any normal situation these would all be bull shit excuses but things around here are far from normal. 

I admit, it hurts.  In my head it seems like he's putting himself ahead of me, again.  Why can't he just suck it up and take an hour to do something that he knows will make me smile?  Why am I put on the back burner AGAIN?  I just have to remind myself that he doesn't see things the same way as I do now.  It's not that he doesn't want to be in the crowds, the though of doing so is practically crippling.  The social anxiety is something that's been going on for a few months now.  I just need to try to remember that this is not a reflection of how he feels about me.  In all honesty I am just so excited for TC's first Christmas that I don't know that I will even care that I'm stockingless come Christmas morning. 

I told D that Doc didn't do anything for me this year and she was pissed.  To anyone on the outside I know how it looks.  That's one of the reasons I don't really open up about these things most of the time.  I reminded her that he has brain damage and this is part of it.  I've explained the side effects a million times to people but they just refuse to get it.  I mean really, had his injury been a missing foot would people question why he walks with a limp?

2011 theme song

Judy gets me every time, such raw emotion.  Nothing is changing yet and when it does we will have a new normal. 

This isn't going to be easy but that doesn't mean it's impossible.  I am, by no means, done venting, crying, cursing about what's going on but I have to start to accept it and maybe do so with a smile.

Even a fake smile turns genuine over time.

I'm not alright

My recent posts have been fluff (and that's being nice).  I've decided to cut through the horse shit and just be real.  Here are the things that I have been afraid to admit. 

I'm having myself a good cry this morning.  I'm an army wife, damn it.  I am good at it, it's what I know.  It's all my marriage has known.  We had plans, we were lifers.  Now it's all gone.  I'm scared for our marriage without the army.  I'm scared of what living close to family will do to our marriage. 

Don't get me wrong, I am still so thankful that Doc survived the accident.  I know how lucky we are and when I am really mad at God I remind myself of that.  But I just hate that what's happening.  I guess it's all part if His plan but come on, why does it have to cause so much pain.

I just want him to get better, just wake up one day and be better.  But the doctors don't think that's going to happen.  Doc doesn't think that's going to happen.  Now the Army doesn't think it's going to happen.  So that's it.  The man I married it gone for good.  I know some of you know how this feels and those that don't, well I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  Do I love the man Doc has become? Of course I do but it's just....different.

I haven't seen his real smile in over a year.  Yes he was happy when TC was born but he didn't have that smile that I knew and loved.  I wonder if he'll ever feel that kind of pure joy again or if everything in his life is going to be covered in this dark fog. 

I miss his passion.  That is another post entirely. 

Now I'm trying to figure out our future.  I'll have to go back to work so where does that leave time for another baby?  Should we just do that now while we are under tricare and while I can stay home with the baby for a bit?  Is it wrong to have a baby when you're not totally ready just because it will be a little bit easier?

I just don't know what to do, I wish someone would just tell me what I'm supposed to do because I feel like I'm doing it all wrong.  It's just not fair, this entire situation is just so unfair. Some days I think that he should just pretend to be better so nothing has to change.  I know it's a horrible thing to think but I can't help it. 

Sick

My kid got me sick.  I have so much to do before Christmas and being sick is not part of it.  I'm not really in the mood for sharing so I will leave you with a picture of my little germ spreader.