making lemonade

Not really making lemonade, the good people at Crystal Light do that well enough for me.  I mentioned a few weeks ago that the injections in Doc's head/neck were wearing off which means his headaches were back {lemons} (he gets botox to block the nerves that carry the pain to his head) well he finally got his appointment to get another set of injections and it is in San Diego.  We've decided to make a trip of it {lemonade}, there are so many options for military when looking for a place on the ocean in San Diego, I will tell you were we chose after we return (not saying that you reading this right now are a weirdo stalker but someone may be and I have to keep my ladies safe).  I can tell you that I am so excited about it.

I was hoping to go back to Seaworld but we were there 4 Feb 2012 so we can't get in for free until 4 Feb this year so we are going to go back to the zoo.  We went when TC was this big (20 months)

and we spent most of the day trying to keep her happy.  Now she gets it, she love animals.   She will be so happy.  This will be her birthday trip since she's turning three on 5 February. I think I will enjoy the zoo better this time as well, walking all those hills while that pregnant was not fun.

I don't know where the things she says come from, I told her that we were going to the ocean and in her head that means it will be hot and we will go swimming.  This kid has been to the ocean once and she was 4 months old and didn't even dip her toes into the water.  I hope she's not too disappointed when it's too cold to swim.

But the best part of this, other than Doc getting the pain relieving injections (obviously) is how therapeutic the ocean is.  The thought of hearing the waves as I fall asleep for 2 whole nights is already bettering my mood.  I can't wait, I want to go now!

I needed that

Just when I've convinced myself that I am nothing more than an employee there to keep up the house and raise the kids I am brought back to life with an "I love you" as he looks so deep into my eyes that I am sure he can see my soul.

People who wonder how I do it, that is how I do it.  Moments like that coming as if right on cue.

drum roll please...

....I am searching for houses (to rent) in Arizona.  If everything goes as planned the decision has been made to check out this job opportunity for Doc.  The bad news is that it's so far from home.  The good news is that it's not the army, if we're not happy we don't have to stay.

I've broken the news to my sister D and she's beyond sad but she gets it.  Obviously she wants me home but she knows my family (husband and kids) comes first.

Twenty bucks says this all falls through and we are scraping ice off of our windshields next winter. 

wordless wednesday

we all should have such problems

Doc helped his buddy move today while doing so his current boss, who is also getting out of the army, offered him a job.  I good job, not too much for Doc to deal with and this guy is well aware off all the limitations Doc would have, appointments he would need and all of that.  He's a good guy, he would make sure Doc was doing what he needed to do.  The pay is really good too, we could be in a position to be debt free after a few years.  For someone with way more student loan debt than I care to admit I never thought that would happen.

So what's the down side?  The job is in Arizona.  Ari-fricken-zona!  Why God, why must you toy with us the way you do?  It's not in Yuma, thankfully, that would be an automatic no.  It's the Phoenix area which is a really nice area with so much to do and people to meet.  It's super close to the airport so taking a trip home wouldn't seem like such a chore (plus if he had a well paying job trips home wouldn't be impossible).

Now we are torn.  In our heads, and our hearts, we were already home.  We had plans made and our lives mapped out.  But this opportunity is a really good one.  Ahhhhhh what do we do?  He keeps looking at me with his big puppy dog eyes hoping I will just make the decision.  Honestly, it's not my decision to make, I married him and told him he had the first 20 years.  I will go where he goes, that's the deal.

I told him to call his grandfather, he has always been Doc's sounding board when life throws curve balls.  The worst part of all of this is that if we stay his grandparents will most likely pass away while we are still here.  I know that it's a horrible thing to say but they are in their 80s and it's something we have to consider.  He was raised by his grandparents.  Is financial security worth lost time?  It's one thing to be away for service to your country, it's another for financial gain.  I know people do it all the time but we've never really considered it.  I thought making phone calls home after our Christmas trip was canceled were hard - I can't imagine how it will go over if I call and drop the news that we are staying here.

who knew writing a guest post was so hard?

When I was asked to do a guest post for SpouseBUZZ I was flattered - I am still amazed that I have such wonderful readers, mine is not one of those super blogs with thousands of followers and professional style photographs.  I was excited to put my story out there because I know there are so many other wives just like me.  Our husbands look normal form the outside, even talking to them you might not know but they aren't "normal".  I hope that other families going through this know that they aren't alone.  It's an important message to get out there, unfortunately TBIs aren't going away and men like Doc are the face of them.

After the excitement wore off the panic set in.  One of the great things about having a blog like mine is that I feel like people stop by because they want to, they are invested in my story and they want to hear my story.  I put myself out there and I've been lucky to have a safe place to do so.  What was I thinking throwing myself in front of thousands of people who didn't ask for me?  I had visions of "suck it up" comments and people just flat out hating me.  I stared at a blank computer screen for a long time, paralyzed by this fear.

Doc was great, while I talk mostly about my life what I am sharing is his story.  I asked for his permission, he not only gave it but also gave me a pep talk to get pen to paper.  (I ended up going old school, actually writing was much less intimidating.)  I asked him if he wanted to read it and, as always, he declined "that is your thing, I am going to let you have it".  He gets it.

It took about 47 versions before I sent in my final draft to Amy, a managing editor at SpouseBUZZ, and she was so great.  She explained the editing process and helped me better make the points I wanted to make.  The hardest part was trying to get me and my voice and history into a manageable post that isn't 18 pages long.  I was afraid that I would come off as ungrateful, whiny, or god knows what.  I was just afraid.  Amy did a great job of helping me on my way, the words were mine but some of the arrangement had performance enhancement.  (Just getting it out there now so I don't end up confessing to Oprah in 10 years.)

The bottom line is that I am glad I did it, I stepped out of my comfort zone and it felt good!  If you made your way over here from that post, I hope you stick around, introduce yourself!

check me out on SpouseBUZZ

I did a guest post for SpouseBUZZ please go check it out. 

The Heartbreak of “Not Fit for Duty”

And for anyone who has come over from this post, welcome!  I recently updated my tabs so you can learn a little about my family. 

Tomorrow I will be back to tell you all about this guest blogging experience, it was my first time!

someone, please, stop me!

I have no idea when we are leaving Yuma, I have no idea what kind of compensation Doc will get, I have no idea of anything really - well except one thing - the house I want us to buy.  I can't stay away from the home listing, it's a sickness.  I've always been like this, every Saturday growing up when the newspaper would arrive I would turn straight to the real estate pages and day dream about all the beautiful houses.  Then came HGTV and internet listings...it is my crack.

But now, it's so close.  No more moving, no more army, no more reasons not to do it.  We are planning on buying a home soon after we move home and we are hoping to get something that we can stay in until the kids are gone.  I've fallen in love with a few, so has Doc.  His are all 100 year old farm houses or others that will need a lot of up keep, mine are more reasonable colonial style homes like those in which we grew up. 

I know it's not smart to look now, any house that is still on the market by the time we get home is probably not a home we want.  I just need to stop. 

This limbo we are in is a lot harder than I thought it would be.

But can't you just see me, sitting on this porch drinking my afternoon vodka morning coffee?

things he does

I know I spend a lot of time talking about what Doc can't/doesn't do any more and not enough talking about what he does.  They are such small things that mean so much to me.  These small things let me know that the man I married is still in there somewhere, despite everything he does value me and our life together. 

When I ran away to California he sent a quick text to be sure I arrived safely.  A few hours later he called with a very real concern.  He made sure that I knew that if it got too late he wanted me to check into a hotel because "you know, it's Friday and there are drunk drivers out there."  I knew I wouldn't be staying very late and would have no need to do so but the thought of him stopping what he was doing to pick up the phone to call just to tell me that put a huge smile on my face. 

When he sees that I need a break he pushes me out the door, knowing that I need some "me" time, even if just to wonder around the few stores this town has to offer.  Then he texts me to call him when I am almost home so he can get my bath ready.

He shows up with a margarita/glass of wine/beer at just the right moment.  He knows what I want and how I want it and I don't even have to ask.

This afternoon I woke up from a nap feeling sick.  I hope it's just a stress reaction but might be the start of the flu - I mentioned it and out the door he went.  When he returned he was armed with orange juice, NyQuil, DayQui, vitamin C supplements, dish washing detergent (because we needed it) and a frozen dinner that he could easily prepare.

It might not seem like much to many but to me it's everything. 

hear yee, hear yee

I am sick of writing Little A, I have never liked it.  Every time I do I feel like I am saying little ass and, well, that is not a problem of my little lady! The only reason I don't use their real names all the time is that I fear my family googling for some reason and finding my blog.  But I have decided that there are so many Addies out there that I am pretty safe to just call her Addie.  So, in closing, no more little A and welcome Addie.

 

In other news, I had a date with my neighbor on Friday we saw Le Miserables and got Buffalo Wild Wings.  The movie was amazing, I laughed I cried and cried and cried.  If you haven't seen it yet go see it!

one of those mom moments

Today our Thursday story time was moved to a little farm down the road from post, this is a place I've wanted to check out for a long time so I was excited.  The farm was cute, the gift shop was fun, and pastries were delish! 

TC had a great time (Little A was a pissy pants and didn't leave the ergo) she loves to play with the other kids and they like her too.  She's not really a shy kid around this group, she will follow what they do and chat with them but usually a step behind.  I want her to do things at her pace so I don't interfere, I sit back and take in how she interacts and then talk to her about it later.  My heart broke a little when I saw this (spot focused because I don't want to post pics of other people's kids' faces without permission).

They were sweetly playing ring around the rosy and while the others spun in a circle together TC spun in her own circles.  She had a blast regardless but still, I wish she had the confidence to ask if she could play and I wish one of the other kids had offered.  They weren't being spiteful, just playing as kids do.  The mom in me just wanted to scream, PLAY WITH MY DAUGHTER but I didn't do anything, I let it go.  Later in the afternoon I told her that she should ask to join in if other kids are playing something that she thinks looks fun.  I think she understood, it's just so hard.  

I want everything to be easy for her but I know nothing will be easy in the long run if I do everything for her.  I hope she gets it, I hope she breaks out of her shell soon.  She did have a blast but I know she would have had more fun if she was in the circle.  

my littlest

Little A turned one in December but didn't have her one year appointment until today.  She is just perfect (naturally).  Weighing in at 22.6lbs and 30 inches long.  Her growth chart has crossed over about four lines (meaning that her weight has stalled out) which is the exact same thing that happened with TC, this is just what happens when you have very chubby babies.  She has gained .1lb in the last 3 months.  It was something to note but she's growing (2 inches in 3 months), she's reaching miles stones, she's happy so she's fine. 

She still isn't walking.  I truly believe that she can but doesn't want to.  She can stand on her own but as soon as she realizes that she's doing she slowly squats down.  If homegirl can do a full squat she can walk.  She's just so cautious, total opposite of TC who had no fear what so ever. 

I was thinking the other day, this is about how old TC was when we decided to have a second child, if TC had been like Little A, a lot little later with her milestones we wouldn't have had them so close together.  The moment TC became a walker at 8.5 months she wasn't a baby.  She did things that babies just didn't do.  It's such a strange thought, there is a reason TC was first and so fearless, maybe deep down she knew there was a sister on the line. 

the getting out process

I have so much anger about what is going on with my husband.  His headaches are back with full force, he needs more shots to ease the pain but he has no care team here.  I have so many hateful words that I would love to say about this medboard process but I am going to keep them to myself for now.  I feel like I need to wait until we are have all of the information but honestly I don't see anything that could possibly change this.

I avoid calls from people back home because there is always the question "any news about when you're coming home?"  Yes, we have a move home date all ready and we are just going to show up without so much as a word - of course I don't know anything!  If I did don't people think I would let them know?

I am just very angry right now.  When the headaches return so does the depression, the pain, the feeling of loss, the mourning period.  This shouldn't happen, not only is it out of the question that a man with a HEAD INJURY be forced to drive 7 hours round trip for a 15 minute appointment with an equivalent of a Wal-Mart eye doctor but he's not getting any treatment.  All because the army wont move you twice within a year...forget about what is best for the injured vet as long as you keep that once a year rule intact.

I can feel the word vomit coming up so I will stop.  This just sucks.

three years

I wish I could tell you the whole story, why this mission was such a big one, why he ended up in a ground vehicle (which happened for less than 5% of missions) but I can't.  This was Doc's white whale.

Three years ago today bad decisions were made and we are lucky that Doc was the only one seriously hurt.  Three years ago instead of going on the mission of a lifetime (just to be clear I am not talking about Bin Laden) he ended up with a career ending injury.

I know I am supposed to look at these "alive days" as celebrations that despite everything he's alive.  I love that he's alive and I know how lucky I am but today I am more pissed off with the series of events which put someone behind the wheel who had no business being there.  Now I have a husband who is broken.

Three years ago...I can't help but wonder what our life would be if not for those split seconds in the middle of nowhere three years ago today.

not real confessions

There have been things that I have done as a mom because they were just easier for me.  I know some moms do these things and become know as "The Mom Who ____ (breastfeeds, cloth diapers, flies to the moon...) that was never my intention but since I have shared some of my parenting decisions with you in the past why not keep up with that?

Little A last nursed on New Year's Eve.  It was pretty sad, it is still.  I can say that my reasons were selfish but then I think about it and I nursed her for over a year - for much of that she refused a bottle.  I made a sacrifice and for that first 6 months I couldn't leave her side for more than a few hours - ever.  When she started on solids and taking a sippy cup things got easier but she still needed ME, my breasts.  When she turned 11 months I was so ready to be done, I had been pregnant or nursing since May 2009 - I had enough.  I decided that she would not nurse in the new year and she hasn't.  She misses it, I miss the closeness but I am happy with my decision.  The other day I was really dragging ass and I looked at Doc's Red Bull and was really bummed that I couldn't have one then it hit me - I CAN!  I didn't but it's still fun to know that if I want to I can.  Don't worry, in a few months I am sure I will overshare with you the disastrous state of my post baby boobs.

Her last breast milk coma, she nursed like she knew it was her last chance.

I had been cloth diapering for the past year and a half and I have never thought of it as a big deal, just something we did to save money and my girls always looked really cute with their fluffy bums.  I bought a box of disposables for our trip home (obviously before it was canceled) and I wasn't happy about it - seemed like such a wasted of money to me, until I started using them again.  Oh man, it was so easy!  And they are both in the same size - even easier!  Little A seemed more comfortable, finally no more little rashes and chafing.  I guess I didn't want to admit to myself that the diapers that worked great for TC weren't so great for Little A as she grew.  We switched back to cloth the other night and Little A got a rash, a bad one.  They have been stripped and sunned and blessed by a virgin but they just aren't working.  I decided that she is going back in disposables.  TC is still wearing diapers to bed and on longer outings, she will wear cloth - bonus with this, TC doesn't poop in diapers so no more toilet dipping!  I clothed diapered because it just seemed easier for my family, now disposables are, if I drank the cloth diapering kool-aid I would feel bad but I didn't so I don't.

I love those fluffy bums!

This next one is kind of a serious one.  I feel strongly about it and I am not looking to start a debate on the subject  but in this house, we believe in vaccinating our kids.  Because TC's reaction to her 4 month shots we've spaced them out, one at a time.  For us it works, well it worked.   I was spacing out Little A as well and was just about caught up for her 6 month appointment when everything went off track.  TC developed her fever that never went away so Little A couldn't get any shots.  Everyone in the house has to be healthy.  By the time we had a real all clear for her Doc came home and almost died.  He continues to have issues with his skin (lots of open sores) so she hasn't been able to have any shots.  It didn't really hit to me until we came home from Disney and her fever spiked to almost 104, she's unvaccinated for medical reasons but there are so many kids out there who aren't vaccinated for all sorts of other reasons and they are decreasing the herd immunity...I could have exposed her to God knows what without even a thought.  Ugh.  Once we get the go ahead from her doctors and Doc's doctors we will catch her up.  It's a scary world out there.  Once my family is healthy I will do everything I can to not only keep it that way but also protect someone out there who can't get vaccinated for some medical reason.

It's so funny being a mom, what works for one might not work for the other.  I see all these blogs where moms claim to be some sort of parenting expert after they manage to make it through the first night with a baby (or some as soon as they pee on a stick!) I am not one of those moms.  I know what I am doing isn't Gospel.  I wake up thinking I have all of the answers but it's not even two sips into my first cup of coffee that I am reminded that I have no idea what I am doing.  I love it, each day is an adventure and I am so glad to have two of the most adorable tour guides.

First Fill In Friday

click image to link

 1. What’s one thing in the past month you would have changed?
We would have spent it in Massachusetts, we had a really good month here but I would have much rather have spent it with family.
2. What was your favorite thing that happened in December? 
Little A turned one at Disneyland!  Between that, Christmas, my trip to the beach...it's hard to say, first birthday has to win.
3. What are you looking forward to in January?
Hmmm I don't really know, we've been talking about purging a lot of our stuff - you know they stuff we've moved from Massachusetts to Rhode Island to North Carolina to Washington to Arizona....apparently now we are clear to toss it...
4. What did you do for New Year’s Eve?
Big party animals over here, we were trying to fall asleep when we realized it was midnight.
5. What are your hopes and wishes for 2013?
A quick and easy break from the army, the medboard goes smoothly and quickly and we get out of this limbo.

putting a cap on 2012

For funsies I went through my personal facebook page to see which photos were this year's favorites, here they are by month.

January

22 January

This beat out a picture of her and Doc sleeping peacefully on the couch.

February

7 February

This one isn't fair, competing with those cheeks, impossible.

March

12 March

Passed out like a boss.

April

27 April

Sisterly love.

May

17 May

Pre-lunch ice cream, the weather had already turned unbearable 

June

26 June

Poor Little A, no Mac & Cheese for her

July

28 July

She has good taste

August

4 August

Daddy came home after a 4 week TDY

September

3 September

Just because she's so beautiful, she really is - funny too.

October

31 October

 A mouse on a trick or treating mission.

November

25 November

There is no denying her fashion sense.

December

17 December

Little A's first birthday lunch at Disneyland.  Creepy photobomber and all!

It has been a stressful year, more downs than up but my family has be strong throughout for that I am extremely blessed.  Even with everything that went wrong we still had some amazing moments and made memories that will last a life time.