remind me again of the definition of insanity...

Just because

I'm trying to stay positive, I really am.  Today I had an appointment to talk to someone who wouldn't just write off my feelings.  I met with Doc's counselor, Doc didn't come.  Finally someone who didn't crap on feelings and make me feel like shit for having them.  When I came home Doc and I had a horrible, long talk with tears and hopefully something will change, anything.

In other news, my mom will be here on Friday and TC's birthday is on Saturday, a year - how is she a year old?!  I'm pretty much ready for everything, I just need to get some food and a punch bowl and it's party time.  I'm excited to put up all the decorations I've made and assemble the candy table, I think it's going to look really fun.  However, I am not ready for my baby to turn one.

I'm having a hard time thinking of anything else to share.  I just wanted to post something so you all wouldn't think I ran away or something. 

I'm doing alright

I know some of you are worried about me, all of this craziness can't be good for someone.  I really appreciate it and I do have my days when I wish I could just stay in bed all day and pretend my problems don't exist.  I did this when my friend Jenny died when we were 20, I left my dorm room for her wake and then funeral and other than that I spent the week in bed.  A month later when we lost my dad I had too much to do and was unable to do my FTW (f#@* the world) routine and I am so glad for that.

There is something to be said for what past tragic events can do for someone's ability to cope.  I am very proud of how I am handling myself this time around.   When I was 20 I made many mistakes while grieving, after the funeral was over and people stopped calling I turned to drinking.  Now, this isn't an after school special so I'm not going to tell you that I bombed my classes and ended up on the street.  I actually did really well that semester but I did run up one hell of a credit card bill and that followed me around for a LONG time.  I am glad for that mistake, they helped me realize that the world doesn't care what you're dealing with and as hard as it is, life goes on around you.

Right now I can't count on Doc to do much of anything, I know it's hard for some people to wrap their minds around but here is what happened this morning.  I asked him to feed the dog before he went to work and he said he would try to remember but he has to go from the bed to the bathroom to his closet in the spare room to the kitchen then to work or "I might not remember to go to work".  I know it sounds crazy but it's true, if he gets sidetracked by the smallest thing it could throw everything off and he has no idea what he's trying to do. So I may have to get up and feed the dog but in the long run is it really that bad? 

I, Amber take you, Doc, to be my husband;
To have and to hold from this day forward.
I promise to stand by your side;
To encourage and support you;

I love my husband, I love him with everything I have and will have.  I love him more each day.  I have so much respect for him, he has his moments but he's dealing with all of this better than I would.  At my low points I remember that we're still here.  My husband came home to me.

My husband came home to me.

My husband came home.

I'm blessed, and I have my bad days but I'm alright. 

spring sneak peak

While my family in New England is being buried in snow we are have some pretty nice weather here in western Washington.  Yesterday we took advantage of the sunshine and took TC to the park down the street.  One great thing about read D (you know, other than not deploying) is the hours aren't very long so Doc was able to join us.  It was a quick trip but I think he really needed it.   I hope you aren't sick of pictures because you're going to be hit with a bunch of them.

 Her first experience walking down hill, she did pretty well.

 All the pills and all the counseling in the world can't beat a little Daddy TC time.

 

 

 I know, nice ass huh?  Years of hockey ;)

 

I can't wait for the real spring.  She's at such a fun age and even the things she can't do she loves watching the big kids run around.  Each day I get to see a new gimps at the girl she's going to become.

Life is good

No matter what, no matter how let down I feel, how forgotten by the medical professionals we've been, how much I miss the man my husband once was my life is good.  My daughter is amazing, how could I not see my blessings with this little lady in my life?

Cognitive & Memory Issues

source: UW Medicine. See items in red for what Doc's been dealing with.

Cognitive & Memory Issues with Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

A traumatic brain injury is defined as a blow or jolt to the head, or a penetrating head injury that disrupts the function of the brain. Such an injury often damages parts of the brain that are needed for taking in, storing, and retrieving information.

Individuals with a moderate-to-severe brain injury often have problems in basic cognitive (thinking) skills such as paying attention, con¬centrating, and remembering new information and events.

Some people with brain injury have a hard time recalling past events such as a telephone message or conversation. It can also be hard to remember future events such as an appointment. People might forget things they need to do during the day.

While everyone forgets some things sometimes, people with memory problems forget things more often. They may also forget specific types of information. Most times, long-time memories about family and childhood are not affected. A brain injury also can make pre-injury memory problems worse. But some of these new memory problems will improve with time.

Symptoms of cognitive issues related to a traumatic brain injury may include the following:

• You may think slowly, speak slowly and solve problems slowly.
• You may become confused easily when normal routines are changed or when things become too noisy or hectic.
• You may stick to a task too long, being unable to switch to a different task when having difficulties.
• On the other hand, you may jump at the first “solution” you see without thinking it through.
• You may have speech and language problems, such as trouble finding the right word or understanding others.

Symptoms related to memory issues may include the following:

• You may have a sudden change in your memory.
• Your memory may get worse.
• Your memory problems may make you unsafe.
• Your memory problems may affect your work or home life.
• Your memory problems may affect your ability to care for yourself or your family.
• Your memory problems may affect your health.
• You may feel like you need help from a memory specialist.
• Family or friends may notice you have a memory problem. 

Memory and cognitive issues stemming from a TBI may be further exacerbated by:

• Lack of sleep or being tired.
• Poor health.
• Some medicine side effects.
• Stress or illness.
• Strong emotions, such as anxiety, depression, or anger. 

A doctor will take a complete history and perform a physical exam. If more information would be helpful, a speech pathologist may do a cognitive screen. Further, neuropsychologic evaluation can shed light on areas of difficulty or dysfunction. Neuropsychologic testing can be a long and involved series of tests and activities that challenge the person with a brain injury to remember new information, recall stored data, and process or problem-solve in new situations.
The following list of self-care options may help with cognitive and memory issues related to a traumatic brain injury. Try a suggestion from this list and see how it works for you. Give it a good chance to work before you try a new idea.

Use reminders:

• Write information in one place, such as in a journal or calendar. Little sticky notes can get lost easily.
• Make a journal or photo album to help remember things that have happened in the past.
• Make a daily log of the things you have done each day.
• If you live with other people, label items that are yours so you can find them more easily.
• Keep a “cheat sheet” of important information in your wallet.
• Use signs, labels, or cue cards to remind you where objects are located.
• Use a checklist to remind you of the steps of a task, or a list of items, such as what you need to take when you leave the house.
• Use checklists to help you remember what you have done.
• Focus on one thing at a time.
• Buy appliances that shut off automatically.
• Use a pill organizer to organize your medicines.

Set a routine:

• Have a plan for each day and each week so you remember important things like taking your pills and going grocery shopping.
• Have one place for each thing in your house and always put it there.
• Use a calendar and post it where you will see it often. Check it every night before you go to bed so you know what you are doing the next day.
• At the end of the day, check off the day on your calendar to help you remember what the date is.

Let someone else remember:

• Ask your bank to automatically pay your bills or get a protective payee to help handle your money.
• Use different kinds of signals throughout the day to remind you of appointments or other activities. For example, use a TV or light timer, program an electronic organizer or cell phone, or use a beeping watch.
• Have a family member take notes during meetings with your doctor or health care provider.

Learn more effectively:

• Break down new information into small parts. Learn the small parts instead of trying to learn everything at one time.
• Think of ways to connect new and old information.

Related Treatments :

• Disability Evaluations
• Neuropsychology/Neuropsychologic Testing
• Rehabilitation Counseling
• Rehabilitation Psychology/Psychotherapy

really?

Doc's CO got a call from the TBI clinic today.  The doctor at the clinic told him that he was worried about Doc because he has "serious cognitive problems" and did not complete the classes.   This is the same TBI clinic that blew Doc off by telling him not to really worry about the classes because the doctors there have seen worse.  Now suddenly they are worried.

Unfortunately this is not coming out of nowhere.  Something tragic happened and now the TBI clinic is backtracking trying to cover they asses.  Doc is pissed.  First to have to deal with everything that happened last week and now to have this, making it sound like Doc isn't doing his part is like rubbing salt in the wounds. 

If he was so bad that the doctors are worried about him they should have reached out MONTHS ago.  It's very obvious they because of the recent tragedy they are backpedaling to make it seem like they are actually helping people. 

Doc's primary caregiver in his unit is out of town but once he's back Doc's going to go back over everything with him.  He's going to make sure that everything he's gone through is documented and then he's going to take those documents to patient advocacy at the hospital.  He's ready to file a formal complaint against the TBI clinic.  I hope to see results from this but if we don't I am going to start reaching out to anyone one will listen.  Our story needs to be heard, if it's happening to us it's happening to many others. 

Doc has me and TC in his life, we are here to love and support him.  We keep those bad thoughts in his head at bay.  The darkness that comes with a TBI can't take over.  Others are not so lucky.  Remember this when you hear those reports about soldiers who take their own lives.

a list of things that drive me nuts

First, I know I have been guilty of some of these things at one point or another but it's my list so I can say what I want.

• Starting a sentence with "so" or "okay", both words are unnecessary and make me less interest in what I am about to read.  This is one of the main things I look for when I proofread my posts. 
• Facebook over sharing.  It's social networking not group therapy.  We all have our shit and when I'm on facebook I'm generally trying to just let go.  Usually this will get someone defriended or I just block their updates.  Not that I think anyone really cares when I delete them but I am sure they miss TC's little pigtailed pictures.   
• People who don't know how to make a left turn onto a 4 lane road. Stop making me miss my light, there are plenty of lanes for you to turn at the same time as the guy on the other side of the intersection going right.
• Brownies, actually I love them but they annoy me because they make my ass fat.
• A local car dealer's commercials - he always laughs as if he chatting with a good friend, it's stupid and it doesn't fool anyone into thinking you not a crooked car dealer. "haha Car Pros haha sells for less"  Yes I'll come down to your lot but only to kick you in the balls.
• Baby tunnel vision, I went beck and checked, when I got pregnant my life did not become all things baby.  Again, this is facebook related and I got rid of a few "friends" because once they peed on that stick they decided that the world now needs to know every little thing about them.  No thanks. 
• Bandwagon sports fans, my team was out of the playoffs last week, sure I still watched the games but I didn't become an over night Packers fanatic.   Sure, I would like them to beat Pittsburgh in the Superbowl but I'm not about to paint my face green.
• This one is a big one for me, just because you have a nice camera it doesn't mean you're a photographer.  Photography is an art that takes years of practice and study to perfect.  
• In a related rant, photoshopping and photography are not the same!  I love manipulating my pictures but I know it doesn't make me any more talented at taking pictures.  And related to this, what is the deal with people paying a "photographer" to shoot their kids but they get their pictures back and they are so overphotoshopped that it looks like a cartoon character with no facial definition.  Dimples and freckles are what make your child beautiful. 

Okay I think that is enough for one night.  Now here is a rainbow and unicorn picture the cleans the pallet after this negative post.

sun

The sun is shining today.  It has a magical power to heal the soul.  I think someone up there knew this because this is not typical Western Washington winter weather.

I wish it had the power to make everything OK.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers, I can't tell you how much I appreciate them.

prayers

We are all physically fine but something happened last night.  I can't give any details other than it has nothing to do with the current deployment for which Doc is on rear D.  He has experienced something that I can't even imagine.  Please if you can send him as many prayers as you can and pray for other parties involved.

Doc is so fragile right now and I don't know how much more he can take until he's broken. 

Pray for me too.  I just need help doing the right things.  All I can do at the moment is take care of his physical needs.  I am so glad he's eaten and is finally asleep. I hate to be so cryptic but just know that our little family is fine and for everyday that is true I am so grateful. 

my baby

first of all, I'm watching American Idol alone because Doc is being a jerk and thinks American Idol is what is wrong with this country (his words).  Because I am watching this he thinks that he no longer has to eat dinner at the table with TC and me (not that he does anyway).  You can see how the two are related.

Anyway, I will only have a baby for another 17 days, not that she doesn't already act like a toddler anyway.  She is just such a clown.  She is always making us laugh, whether she means it or not.  She sings nonsensical songs before she falls asleep.  She dances her little head shaking dance.  She thinks the dog is the funniest thing ever.

Things aren't all puppies and rainbows though.  She bites, when nursing and whenever she feels like it.  She throws quite a fit when she's not getting her way.  She still fights diaper changes and occasionally gets poop all over the place.  She has stopped sleeping through the night.

But I will take the bad, because the good is SO GOOD.  I can't believe that a year ago she wasn't even here yet and now she's walking and laughing and running and eating what we eat...she blows me away. 

a loss

I really don't have much to say, it seems that I have just been going from one day to the next and at the end of the week they all just blend together.  Right now my mission is the perfect sugar cookie for TC's birthday party. 

We are still pretty bummed about the patriot's loss on Sunday, they just didn't really show up and were outplayed.  We do still have the Bruins and they are a damn good team this year!

I'm getting fat again, I need to suck it up and get my ass out of bed and start working out again.  Part of my treatment for fixing my shins is wearing my sneakers for most of the day...in my house.  I hate it.  TC thinks they are toys.   

TC is amazing, she's so happy and loving.  There is nothing like when she stops playing and comes over and give me a big hug.  Tomorrow I will do a TC rundown and a new dancing video. 

Doc is Doc...still living life as if  he's trudging through quick sand.

almost birthday time

This isn't the exact edit that I will show at her party, but it's close.  (do you feel special that I made a version just for you?)

*edited because the last one made me sea sick...

today marks...

Doc has been in the country for a year.  It's crazy to think he hasn't deployed all year.  Tomorrow marks one year since we were reunited.  It may have been our last homecoming.  Crazy.

some good news

I went back to the doctor yesterday to find out what my x-rays showed and I was surprised to find that I don't have any fractures.  I'm glad, it means we are only dealing with shin splints but at the same time I feel like actually having a fracture would help qualify my pain.  I understand that shin splints hurt but it find it hard to believe I've had them for over 10 years. 

The doctor seems very confident that the inserts and rest will do the trick.  In 6 weeks I can start the couch to 5K again, he liked the idea of that since it's gradual.  I have to tell you, I am giddy at the though of running again. 

I don't know why I had my doubts, maybe it's because we've had doctors telling us bad news for the past  year.

In unrelated but adorable news, TC is now full on dancing.  Doc said that he's seen her shake her bum while holding on to the baby gate from time to time but nothing like what she's doing now.  She hears music and she moves.  Shaking her head and arms and bum.  We don't really do much dancing and she doesn't watch children's shows so she doesn't see it there...it just kind of happened.  She's so fun.

this is my life

Thanks for the support yesterday, after 45 minutes it was like it had never even happened for him.  I'm still hurt though, I think until we get all of his meds and everything straightened out I am going to need to grow a thicker skin.

He has CQ today, I'm thankful for a 24 hour break. 

There are moments when I watch TC playing and laughing that I am taken aback and think, I can not believe this is my life.  I am so blessed, she is beautiful and perfect and she loves me like no other has.   She's perfect and I get to be her mother.  I can't believe this is my life.

There are moments with Doc where we are playful and fun.  We act like teenagers and forget all of our worries.  He makes me feel like the world was created just so we could be together.  Everything is for us, the sun, the moon, the grass, the rain...all of it just so we would find each other.  Those moments happen more than I say and again I know I am blessed.  I can't believe this is my life.

There are moments when I'm being yelled at, put down and called names when I wish I could run away.  He overreacts, gets angry, goes dead in the eye.  He breaks my heart in how he treats me, he  breaks my heart when I see him searching for himself and he just can't seem to find it.  There are brief moments when I long for my 2 bedroom apartment, long nights in Providence and not a care in the world when I could just walk away from anyone who called me a bitch.  I can't believe this is my life.

I'm sure after my last post some of my wonderful readers were left scratching their heads wondering why I would want to have another baby with this man.  Here's why, the first two moments I mentioned happen regularly, they have the power of a Nor'easter.  The third moment I mentioned happens on occasion and while it's painful and heartbreaking it has to power of a dusting of snow.  It's not him, I know that, I just need to remind myself from time to time.

FYI - this post is kind of my equivalent of standing in front of all you naked.

where's the line?

Do I even get a line of is he given a guaranteed pass because he was injured?

All I told him was it would have been nice to have been acknowledged when I came home last night but he didn't bother looking up from his xBox game.  Apparently that was too much to ask because I got the "when you've had a headache for a year you can talk to me" speech.  To which I told him that he has no idea how hard it's been for me (again).  That's when he called me a bitch, in front of our daughter.

I don't know how much I can take on days like this.  I wish we lived near family so I could pack TC up and we could run away for the day. I am really over feeling like shit about myself.