WW

I'm it

Stacey over at My Life As an Air Force Wife tagged me to share 7 facts about myself with you all.  Well of course I can do that, I will just have to really think about thinks that I haven't told you yet.  I am obviously an over-sharer so this might be hard. 

1. I could watch Friends over and over again and not get bored.  I don't care how many times I've seen an episode I love it.

2. I used to paint and I was pretty good at it.  I haven't done it in a long time, I have a bunch of blank canvases in the garage that I really should use.  I don't know why I am putting it off, I guess I'm afraid that I won't be any good if I pick it up again. 

3.  I just now decided on a new goal for deployment - paint 2 pictures to hang in my bedroom, the walls are naked.

4. Before I have TC I always felt awkward around babies and kids, I never knew what to say to them or how to interact.  I knew how to take care of them but when it came to being comforting I had not idea (picture a robotic pat on the back accompanied by a "there, there champ"

5. I miss working but mostly because I miss having new people to talk to and reasons to wear a pencil skirt and pointy shoes.

6.  When I was a kid we had a yearly talent show at the campground my family went to, the very first one I was in I wore a yellow and black tutu thing that looked like a bee.  All I had to do was spin around in a circle on a table as my friends and sisters rollerskated around the table to a fantastic 80's song that I wish I could remember.

7. When I was a kid I hated tank tops because I hated showing my armpits.  When my stepmother asked why I didn't like tank tops I was ashamed to say "armpits" so I told her it was because I didn't like showing my shoulders.  To this day she doesn't believe me that I really hated my armpits and not my shoulders.  Why, 25 years later would I lie about it and yes I remember it because I was SOOOO self conscious.

I'm supposed to tag 7 people but I'm too lazy :)

Perfetion

Bubble bath. Contempoary jazz on pandora. Lemonade. TC playing with Doc down the hall. I am exactly where I need to be.

who's santa

First, hello new readers, I promise I will check out your blogs soon.  Thanks for joining on this crazy journey.  

Last year I wasn't sure what we would tell TC about Santa and we still have a year before we have to worry about that but I think I want to start with whatever we're (read I - Doc really doesn't care) are doing this year.  Christmas this year is going to be very small since Doc's not going to be here and TC wont remember it. 

So far I am set on getting her a xylophone, she will LOVE it.  If we do Santa he will bring her a stocking and one wooden toy tops, the rest will come from us.  I think this will be that toy this year.

http://www.growingtreetoys.com/product/wooden-xylophone

She will LOVE it.  And it's something classic that Santa could totally make.  I've already started telling my family that she doesn't need toys, she needs books and her 9-12 wardrobe :)

Hear are my plans for this holiday season: celebrate Thanksgiving before Doc leaves,  maybe give TC her first taste of turkey.  Then nothing until advent starts, my stepmother should be sending the advent calendar my aunt made that we loved as kids.  It's a hand made calendar with a Christmas tree and ornaments but each ornaments represents a bible story so as you put it on the tree each night you read about how it relates to a Christian Christmas.  I will post pictures when it gets here.  So TC and I wil do that each night and then on Christmas morning she will open her few gifts from DH and me, I will record it for DH then we will head over to my girl Laura's house, her husband is deployed and her daughter is 3 weeks younger than TC - it will be a day filled with laughs babies and wine, lots and lots of wine :).   (Unless you and your sister want to come here Laura, either way it will be great)

This is what I've been looking at, it's way above what I want to spend on Christmas but maybe a first birthday gift.  Wow I'm thinking about first birthday already!

http://www.a-rocking-horse-to-love.com/Raffi_the_Giraffe_Rocker-p-575.html#image

Or something like this.  I really hate all the stupid plastic toys we have and I am still sticking to my guns about not having too many in the house.

Sorry if this is boring, Doc is on leave and we have been spending a lot of time just hanging out so there really isn't much going on here these days!

another update

I don't know much about this area but here is what I know about Doc's father.  He got into the rehab that he wanted but they wouldn't allow his apprenticeship to finish technical certificate so he found a new place.  I'm not sure how I feel about this, if it's a blanket policy that's one thing but if it's just because they think HE needs that kind of supervision it might not be smart.  He was back at Doc's grandparent's this past week and Doc was able to talk to him (and he sent us very generous birthday cards) he told Doc that he can't stay there - his brother is a horrible influence.  Looks like he will be moving in with us in a few months, whenever he is done with his new rehab.

The good news is that he's doing well.  I'm afraid of what life will be like when he does move in.  I wonder if we will still be silly like we are now, when TC wakes from a nap we race to her room to see who will get her first - if I'm in the lead he'll playfully toss me off to the side and if he's beating me I'll dive-bomb him with whatever I can find.  If one of us bends over in front of the other you are getting a crisp (friendly) slap to the ass.  If there is someone else there all the time these things may stop.  Maybe I'm crazy but I like knowing that we're free to tackle each other just because (we were even talking about how embarrassing we are going to be to TC some day).  Like anything else I guess it will just be a new normal.

The important thing is that he gets better.  The important thing is that Doc finally has a healthy relationship with his father.  The important thing is that TC has a loving grandfather in her life.  Who knows, it could really work out.  It's like anything else in my life right now, I never really have control I just have to adapt and thrive.  I love my family, I love my husband, and I love my life - I just have to try to have faith.

and let me add,,,,

GLEE!!

not falling into old routines

I will not count down the days, I will NOT count down the days I WILL NOT COUNT DOWN THE DAYS.

Guess what I am trying to not do?  I have a tentative date and I am doing my best to not dwell on the date, maybe once he is off leave it will get harder but so far so good.  TC keeps me pretty busy anyway.  I have an appointment next week to register her on post with CYS and I am so going to use my 16 hours of free child care a month.  And I've found out that you can go to the gym for up to two hours and leave your child at the daycare so maybe I will actually go. 

Sounds like I don't love my kid huh?  I do I love her more than anything and I haven't left her with anyone other than Doc ever but I fear that if I don't have some time to myself while he's away I might just go insane and then I'll be not help to anyone.

Leave is going OK but Doc gets bored very easily and his favorite past time while he bored is to bother me, seriously I've heard "I'm bored I'm going to bother you" so many time already and it's only Tuesday!  TC really loves  having him around, there is just something about a daughter's love for her father, I know in a few years I am going to be super jealous of it and I'm not afraid to say it.  I'm still working on getting her to say "dadda" but I don't know if it's going to happen (did I tell you all that she says "momma?")  Our other baby knows something is up, Moses is such a good dog but this is his fourth deployment too and he can sense the tension in the air.  I really hope he behaves himself this time.

Tomorrow should be a nice fall day, I hope to get outside and enjoy it for a bit.  We don't get many true fall days here in Washington and it's a shame to waste them.

TBI update

I haven't talked about Doc's broken head in a while but that doesn't mean it's all better but the good news is that it's getting better.  A few weeks ago he told me that he has started to dream again, I don't think that he realized that he lost his dreams until they came back.  Unfortunately they are totally jacked up dreams (I shot TC in one of them...I think I would rather not dream).  He said it seems like the broken connections are starting to regenerate.  That makes me very happy.  He's also been working out a lot more and losing his belly, is it shallow if I say that makes me happy too? 

He still gets headaches but not nearly as often or as intense.  His speech has been better but he has had a few relapses recently.  Last week on the way to the fair he asked if I had a receipt for TC, he was really asking if I had her stroller.  There have been 2 other way off words since then. 

As far as I know he hasn't forgotten where he was or why he was there in months which is great, that is super scary. 

All in all I am feeling OK about his progress and his upcoming deployment.  I've found out he will be off with his old company which means that he will most likely run a few missions but he wont push himself too far, he knows what he has waiting back here for him.   Right now he's on leave and I'm already trying to plan my escape for a few days ;)

making life easier

I picked up a sticky dry erase board thing from Safeway a few months ago and I don't know how I lived without it.  (OK maybe that is a little dramatic but it's awesome.)  I stuck it to my fridge and I use it to plan out meals and keep track of what is in the fridge.  It's so easy to look at the fridge and just know what is for dinner and having a shopping list makes commissary trips so much easier.  Doc is on leave for the next few weeks so I didn't create a structured menu but I listed the meals I can make and as I make them I just erase them. 

And since he'll be home for lunch I wrote down his options for that too (he has a problem with looking for things, if he can't see it without moving things he doesn't believe we have it). 

This past shopping trip we decided to not buy junk which turned out to mean not buying anything in a box (well one box of pudding, that was it) and my total was about $20-$30 less than usual.  It's amazing how much money we blow on crackers and chips and ice cream...I picked up extra veggies to snack on and nothing off the list.  I've even planned for what I will do with left overs (left over pork ribs will become pulled pork, left over flank steak will become steak tacos - I need to add those to the list).

I know this isn't very exciting to anyone else but I love it.  I wont have to stress about our meals for the next 2 weeks and I have a feeling we will save a good amount of money as well. 

Tonight we had pork stew - it's so yummy, pork, sweet potatoes, yellow potatoes, corn carrots, garlic...I swear it was invented for cool rainy days. 

wordless Wednesday

well scew you too then

I'm sure that some of the people I am venting about will see this and that is just fine, I link to my blog on this particular message board.  I don't want to bring this up there because I am not in the mood to bring the drama.  That being said, if you disagree with me feel free to let me know - I can always delete your comment, I kid (kind of).

Last I checked there was no minimum amount of time you need to spend in a war zone for a deployment to count.  In fact, one day in country counts - at least that's what they say when you are looking at your spouse's LES (military pay stub).  Telling someone that she is lucky because her husband is only going to be gone for 6 months is total bull shit.  Putting her down and making her feel like her feelings are stupid just because it's not an 18 month deployment makes me sick. 

It only takes a moment for someone to be hurt or worse.

It only takes a moment for someone to miss a major milestone back home like a first step.

One moment.

This was in a forum designated for military wives to support each other not having a pissing contest.  If you want to talk deployments lengths post it in the hot topics section don't hijack someone's thread - someone who is obviously hurting.  Yea my husband goes for short tours but he's always gone.  And when he's gone he's not just waiting around for something to do he's making things happen.  Do I go around to woman coming to me for support and turn my nose up at them and tell them to quit bitching because their husband's job isn't as dangerous as my husband's?  Hell no. 

...

OK I lied, I just posted about this there too, I just hope people take what I had to say to heart and don't just start throwing insults.

my own video of the year

My 9/11 Story

This is long and very personal so I understand is not everyone reads but I think it's time I put this down so I always know what that day was like, everything about that day.

I looked back and was surprised to see that I hadn't posted this before.  It seems that we all know where we were, what we were doing and how we reacted the on September 11, 2001.  The day has a whole extra element for me because I was horribly violated the night before.  I thought the most I would have to worry about that day was dealing with being date raped but I would soon find out that wouldn't be the case.

I remember stepping out of Hall 10 on campus around 8:45 EDT.  It was one of those perfect fall days where the warm sunshine mixed fall air in a way that you only find in New England.  I tried to appreciate it but my head was swirling, what was I going to do about what happened the night before?  I wasn't even sure what happened - I said no over and over but I didn't scratch or scream or really do anything other than cry.  With that on my mind it's not surprising that when I heard the girls talking about the plane crashes I only half listened and assumed it was a new movie or something. 

It was clear that word had not spread on campus yet, the rotunda was bustling as usual, the Greeks were in their spots, the jocks in their spots, the student government in their spots and the rest of us filled in the holes.  Class went as scheduled, Business Law I think - the professor made no mention to what happened.  At 9:50 when class was dismissed I made my way back to the rotunda to find the entire student body gathered together watching the tiny TVs in horror.

I couldn't believe it, the first thing I did was call my sister at her school outside of Boston, I knew her boy friend was flying out to California but I didn't know what day.  He was safe.  I made my way over to another building on campus and once again the students were all brought together watching in disbelief.  There were hugs and tears and terrified faces.  Many of the students were from New York and New Jersey, our campus was just 50 miles south of Boston - this was happening in our back yard to people we love.

I spoke to my mom, my siblings, my stepmother.  I wanted nothing more than to call my father because he is who I turn to when horrible things happened but he had died 4 months earlier.  I remember feeling helpless and terrified.  I wondered about my brother who was stationed in Japan with the Marines.  I will admit that I didn't know where Afghanistan was so I looked at a map and wondered if he would be sent.  I couldn't imagine someone I love being sent to war - it was just impossible to wrap my mind around.

I got back to my dorm and talked to my roommates about it all, we were party girls at the time.  We were just getting to know each other but this brought us together in a way we could have never imagined.  I called my office in down town Providence, we were open so I went to work.  Radio stations had stopped playing music and people were just calling in and talking.  It wasn't the angry anti Muslim crap we hear today, it was from the heart words of love and fear.  At this point flags were at half staff.

In the office the phone didn't ring, no one was thinking about commercial real estate.  The agents were watching a little black and white TV with a bunny ears antenna.  I spent most of the day on my phone and in tears.  At one point Providence officials were searching for a suspected terrorist who ran off a train, thank God it was nothing.  I learned that a friend had not heard from his brother who worked in the North Tower.  It was the longest 4 hours of work.

By the time I left the office at 5 EDT there was an obvious mood shift.  The radio was playing music, songs about peace, songs about country, and songs about heroes.  The flags were back up and being flown proudly.  People had started putting flags everywhere they could.  The unity that I had seen on campus was spreading to down town Providence and across the country.

I got back to school quickly because most offices had closed and there were few cars on the road but people weren't speeding, people weren't cutting each other off, people were being respectful.  Without planes flying it was quiet.  I still felt lost and scared.  My roommates and I decided to go to a chapel service that night.  The priest told us that he really didn't know what to do, what do you say when something like this happens?  He said that when he doesn't know where to go when seeking God's guidance he starts at the beginning so he read from the book of Genesis.  I don't remember exactly which passages he read but I do remember for the first time in over four months I felt my father's presence.  I had heard about it from other people who lost people but I knew I hadn't experienced it.  It was what I needed at that moment.  It was reassurance that alive or dead when I need him he would be around.

Later that night my friend's brother made it home a hero.  The intercom in the north tower told everyone to stay put but he knew better and being the loud Staten Island boy that he is got his entire office out of the building safely before the tower collapsed.

In the days and weeks to come campus was on lock down.  Classes were welcome distractions.  Our school lost two alumni, one of which was from my home town and very close to a close friend of mine.  Flags popped up in every dorm window.  There were still parties but they were patriotic parties, I know it sounds weird and disrespectful but is how many people coped.

As for me I decided not to do anything about what happened the night before.  My brother went from Japan to The Philippians but would never go to Afghanistan.  In 2005 he was one of the Marines taking Fallujah and has since retired from the military.

group hug

I just want to say thanks to all of you for the sweet comments, I get all giddy when I have a new one.  I also love the wonderful tips everyone leaves for me, many times I still wonder what the hell I am doing. 

As always things are crazy in this house, Doc is now thinking that he does want to leave here...who knows.  I don't care anymore - he can do what he wants to do and I will just react so if we do get orders, I will react.

I'm watching the football game right now, it's so weird to think the last football game I watched (the Super Bowl) was the day we brought TC home from the hospital.  She was so little and new, all we had to do was feed her and change her and now...well now she's running the house, can go from one end out the place to the other in a matter of seconds.

Finally I have a question - A cialis commercial is on talking about how any moment can turn romantic and I have to be honest, I've never go from laundry to sex in the blink of any eye - is this something that is supposed to happen?  Have you been in the middle of some mundane task when all the sudden he gives you a look and you just have to rip your clothes off? 

I really do love my dog

For the past almost 4 years he's been a huge part of our lives.  He brings us unconditional love and joy but he's also the reason why it's hard to really do anything.  Doc and I have never been on vacation together, it's not just the cost of boarding him it's the thought of it.  I can't imagine him in a kennel all day.

Just to be clear, we are not considering rehoming him, that is not the point of this.  Our family started the day we adopted him.  We love him like crazy but this fur momma just needs a vent.

I feel bad that he's become #2 child, obviously TC comes first and right now she needs most of our attention and takes almost all of our energy.  Moses is amazing, I know it makes him sad but he's so patient and wonderful with her.  We do are best to include him in her games which is nice but not the same.

I also hate that my beautiful little girl is forever covered in dog hair.  I sweep and vacuum and mop (OK maybe I could do it more but who has the time and energy to do it everyday while chasing fast-as-hell crawler?) I just can't keep up with it.  We even have one of those $30 Furminator dog brushes which is amazing but Moses is a super sheder.    I hate that she gets hair in her mouth and in her eyes- she doesn't even notices.  I've heard it will help protect against future allergies but not being a doctor I don't know.

I know that growing up with a dog is really good for her and we always plan on having a dog in our family.  She will learn to respect animals, not to fear large dogs, responsibility (eventually when feeding and bathing become her job).  I just wish there was a way to put Moses in freeze mode sometimes, that way she could play with him a few times a day then he could just go away and not age or even know he's missed time.  That way he would still be the young happy dog that he is now when we are able to spend more time with him.

I just feel bad, I wish I could make more time for time with him but I think it's already been established that if we ever do get that extra hour in the day it will go to daily floor cleaning.

see the dog hair?  And these floors were just washed yesterday.  And pay no attention to the baseboards - they need repainting but we rent so I'm not in a hurry to spend my money on that.

the truth

Thanks for all the nice compliments on my sun room, we really enjoy being in here.  For the first year we were here it was basically just a pass though because our huge furniture didn't fit and our extra couch was just too ghetto to bring people in.  The picture I posted wasn't the whole story, here is the rest of the room.

2 TVs so DH can play xBox, ugh.  I really hate it.  The new NHL game came out today and I picked it up for him so he's going to be playing no stop from now until deployment.

And the back of the room, I really should get on that elliptical since I haven't been able to run in over a month.  Then there is the gas stove, since we will be in this room most of the time our heating bill should go down because that thing heats this room up super fast.

No real point to this post, I just wanted to come clean with how it really looks.  And for fun the cutest baby in the world.

She supports the troops. (and is tortured by her father)

thinking way ahead...

I have no idea when the next ball is or if Doc is even going to be home to go but I can't get dresses out of my head.  I saw this one at White House Black Market that I LOVE but do I really want to waste a ball on a short dress?

Then I found this one at Nordstrom with is fab but it's almost $400!  A little too rich for my taste but I love it.

Or something a little more "look at me" like this one (and it's cheap)

But I guess I should hold off until we actually have a ball on the schedule.  Doc thinks he's funny telling me that I'm going to pregnant at the next ball too - not a chance in hell, I want to enjoy it  next time!

I want one

I've decided that I want an Ergo Baby Carrier but I don't want to spend $105 (mainly because I don't have it).  I've checked my local craigslist but the prices aren't great (I could get a new one with my 20% off at BRU coupon cheaper). Since I bought furniture after reading a lovely blog I thought I would throw this out there - anyone have one they want to sell?

If you're wondering the furniture looks great in my sun room, TC likes to eat the corners of the area rug but what can you do?

oh and the rug is usually anchored under the couch, I dislike a floating area rug.  We keep those back curtains closed because the neighbor on that side can see right in and that's creepy!

stupid commercial

Some show just referred to your wedding day as the most important day of your life, call me crazy but I happen to believe that ever day following the wedding is the most important day...maybe that just because my wedding was a tiny affair with delivery pizza and Sam Adams.

Why didn't I take a picture of the 30 pizza boxes???? I would love to insert  that right here.  (and I didn't bother to pluck my eyebrows either)

we have answers

Doc is 100% going and we are 100% staying.  I'm OK with both of these things.  Yes, deployment will suck and it breaks my heart that he will be away from TC but that is his job and this is the life we chose.  He was playing with her last night while I was cooking dinner and he said, "you're going to be so different when I get back." And I lost it. But the good news is that Doc will have an easy job, he will be relatively safe.  It doesn't mean that I wont worry but given his previous injury it sets me at ease.  It will also give him a chance to get ready for what's next.

Since we are staying with this current unit it means he will have to go to another training school.  This is the one I've been talking about for years, the one he's been promised for years. Now that there is new leadership where he is I'm confident that he will actually go this time.  He's recently started working out again and it hasn't been easy for him.  He's always been a PT rock star so if he can get back to where he was before the TBI he should be OK.  Push ups are where he might run into trouble, think about pushing yourself for a push up, that's a lot of pressure on your head/brain.   I don't know what this next sentence should be - sure I know he can do it but I want to think he wont push himself too hard.

So that's it, I don't know what the deployment window is, since he wasn't going to go I haven't been to a FRG meeting in about a year.  We have no idea how long he'll be deployed, we have no idea how long he'll be home between deployment and school, we have no idea how long it will take him to finish his school (it's very rare that you go straight through, and with his injury it will be even harder) all we know is that separation is temporary and we have our whole lives to annoy each other.