history of us

Have you been watching this? It's fantastic. Tonight covered the 9/11 attacks and my first instinct was to cover TC's eyes. She wasn't even watching and if she was she has no idea what the pictures mean. I wish I could hide her from things like that, from hate, from war but her daddy is in the wrong profession for that to happen.

No matter how far removed we become from that day in September those pictures bring me right back, watching that tower fall with the screams of the people on the ground once again brought me to tears tonight. When she's old enough to understand we will talk to TC about it, she will understand how brave her daddy was to join the army knowing that there were 2 wars going on. I pray when that time comes we have found some peace in the world.

All this on Memorial Day, I can't get the gold star families out of my mind, the sacrifices their loved ones made, the sacrifices they have made. I am so thankful to each and every one of them.

Unrelated update on my running post, I finished week 2 today and Sam I think I found a 5K. Run Like A Dog benefits the Thurston County Humane Society, but if you know of one further north and you want to run it together just let me know!

couch potato no more

Last week I started the couch to 5K with some help of an fancy little ap on my iPhone. If you're not familiar with the program it's designed to turn non runners into runners by starting out slow with short intervals of running and walking.

Week one was 3days of running for 60 seconds walking for 90 seconds for 20 minutes at a time. I did the 3 days of week one in three days. I stared week 2 after 2 days off (I only wanted one day off but the weather decided otherwise). Week 2 is running for 90 seconds walking for 2 minutes for 20 minuets at a time. I finished day 2 of week 2 today. I have to say that I am really enjoying it. I gave up running a long time ago for a few reasons, one - I am wicked slow and two - stress fractures from high school field hockey that just never went away. When I did run it always felt amazing, I could forget all of my problems on the trail and focus on the run, my breathing, the song on my Walkman (yes Walkman, I'm old). With everything going on in my life I think running found me again at just the right time.

Today I left the baby and the jogger at home and brought the dog. I was super nervous about this, I guess in my mind if people saw me jogging with the baby I would have an excuse for my slow pace, bad form, and the walk/run intervals. Also, having her in front of me shielded me from everyone, my 16 week postpartum baby pooch could jiggle away unnoticed, if someone wanted to check out the goods they could see my backside and we all know how cute I think my ass is ;).

I have to admit once we got out there it felt really good, I didn't have to worry about pushing a 20lb stroller + a 15(ish)lb baby up and down the hills and curbs. I didn't need to keep my arms taught in front of me. Most importantly I could stand up straighter. At 5'7" I am no giant but I feel like strollers were designed for women a few inches shorter. It really did feel good.

My favorite part of today's run was the way home with the sun behind me and my shadow in front of me. My shadow - she wasn't half bad! She had the curves I love, the curves I missed. Around month 5 of pregnancy what was once an hour glass was now straight up and down and for whatever reason that really depressed me. Now my silhouette is a bit wider than before but my curves are back and from straight on my shadow looked like the old me - she had no hint of a baby pooch just strong legs, sexy hips and a hot momma swagger.

some good news

The foster dog is finally gone! I am sure Moses will be a little sad that he's playmate is gone but he will like being part of the family again. With 2 dogs they had to spend most of the time in a different part of the house than us because they were very feisty together.

Thanks for all the support yesterday, I know my family is certifiable but I am not ready to wright them off yet, I don't know if I ever will be. It breaks my heart because this would never be happening if my dad was still alive.

And to make you smile here is my little lady laughing her ass off, I guess she thinks Momma is pretty funny.

i hate this

Apparently my family back home thinks that Doc is telling me I can't stay with them and that is why I am staying with my SIL. The phone call I just got was from my non-involved with the drama sister telling me that everyone is mad at me.

If I listened to Doc I wouldn't even be going home. If I let him dictate my life I would have no contact with people who hurt me the way they do. I am my own woman and I the last time I let a guy tell me what to do was in high school and he hit me. I swore I would never let any of that happen again and I haven't.

I don't even know what to do anymore, I really just can't win. People have decided to stop talking to me because it's just easier to make things up on their own. That is just a lot of fun for me.

I am staying with my SIL for several reasons

• she just had a baby and has all the baby stuff
• she's on maternity leave so her not having a schedule will make it an easier adjustment for TC
• My sister D, who I stayed with last time told me she has not time off of work so I wouldn't see her during the day anyway
• My SIL is letting me use her car

And the most important thing

• I NEVER SAID I WAS STAYING THERE THE WHOLE TIME

Once again I am starting my day in tears because I thought everything was OK but the whole time they've been back there talking shit about me. Remind me again why I am breaking my neck to make sure everyone gets equal time?

I just can't take much more of this.

almost wordless Wednesday

one year ago today...
And to celebrate TC had a monster blowout while out to lunch :)

Happy discovery day T (I just made up a new reason for cake haha)

Saving Me

I sang this song to Teagan today (very off key I might add) and she loved it. This is a song that I have always loved because I know Doc has a lot to put up with when it comes to me but singing it looking into my daughter's eyes it took on a whole new life.

"Don't ask me why I'm cryin
Cuz when I start to crumble
You know how to keep me smilin
You always save me from myself"

leaving on a jet plane

First let me say I'm sorry for all the typos the last few weeks...one handed typing is obviously not my forte. I will try to remember to run spell check from now on.

Anyway, Doc leaves on Sunday to play in a hospital in GA. I've booked my flight to Boston for later in the month and I am super nervous about it. We are on a nonstop flight thank God but that means I will defiantly have to change a diaper on the plane, I will take any advice on this one! One of the best part about going home is that my favorite army wife is going home at the same time, Erin and I met in 2006 while living in RI while Doc was training and her husband was in Korea. We are finally going to see each other again and our daughters will get to meet.

Since I am going home I really need to step it up and look my best, I started couch to 5K over the weekend. I finished week one today, I think I was supposed to stretch it out to longer than 3 days but I have to go with the weather here. I huff and puff on my running time but I will get better. I hope to start week 2 in 2 days. I'm glad TC likes the jogger, I've already showered and changed and she's still sleeping in it.

And finally the pain in the ass dog will be gone by Thursday! We are helping his owner find him a better home with a purebred animal rescue. I feel bad for the little guy but he needs "parents" who can love him.

And that's all folks.

another birth and more drama

Doc's sister had her baby yesterday, mother and daughter are happy and healthy. I am so excited for her, she's going to be a great mother.

(Before you read the rest I want you all to know there are some amazing things in my life and I am a very happy person it just seems the crappy stuff is making it to the blog.)

I posted that she was in labor on my facebook page and Doc decided to be funny and comment "I hate finding out on facebook" I know I should have deleted it (as I have done countless times before) but this is his way of letting my family know that all is not forgotten from TC's birthday. I may have been able to let it go and move on for the sake of my family but he has not and he doesn't have to.

My brother's wife (the brother who yelled at Doc) commented "wow" and then sent me an email - like a normal person. No need to air dirty laundry. She basically told me it was like he was poring salt in a fresh wound. I kindly reminded her that the wound was ours and if he's still upset that he had to spend half of his daughter's birthday consoling a heart broken wife that's for him. I also can't blame him since he's yet to get an apology.

She responded and we are cool, she was the only one on my side that day.

I woke up to this comment from D "Amber the WOW is because Doc is taking a dig at your family (for the second time)" I don't really see a dig at our "family" just the way people acted and for the second time? I have no idea what she is talking about. It's funny because just 2 days ago I had to delete a comment she posted calling Doc cranky - they are not friends and I don't know why she thinks she can do that. If I said something like that about her lap-dog husband he would flip out.

I simply said "It's not a dig at the family just maybe the situation. He has every right to still be upset if he wants to. I am not discussing this on FB so this is the last of it." And so far that's been the end of it.

I am seriously rethinking my trip home.

I wish I could get in his head

Lately Doc's been talking about med boarding (getting out of the army due to injury). I really wish he would just push this thought out of his mind, he is just so impatient. He is still having headaches most days, he's still forgetful, he's still moody. I don't know what he expects, he has a brain injury and it takes time to heal. What is he going to do if he gets out? I think part of him is hoping I can get another fantastic job back home (like I gave up when the Army moved us) and he will be able to stay home with TC. The odds of that happening in this economy are not good.

He's still working on the move and if that goes through I am sure he will stop talking like this. I know I sound awful wanting him to stay in but the truth is he wants to stay in too, he wants to get the education the army can offer. The talk about getting out - that is the TBI talking and I would hate myself if I let him make a decision he will regret when he's better.

Hopefully we will know something before he leaves in a few weeks.

Leaving is breaking his heart and I know that. I am glad that his first trip away from TC is only a month. It will help break him in for longer separations if we stay here. He thinks she's going to forget him. I tell him it's not possible and I wont let it happen but in all honesty I am afraid she will too.

wordless Wednesday

ugh

I am not excited about going home AT ALL. I am just looking at flights and it's stressing me out. I don't what to fly alone with TC, I don't want to screw with her schedule, I don't want to pass her around to everyone and anyone who is home. I don't want to run all over New England with her. I just wish people would come here to see her. Of course I can't tell everyone this because they are all so excited ti see her.

I wish Doc could come with me and if his grandparents weren't so old I would postpone until he can. I am pretty sure that his grandfather is nervous that he'll never get to meet her.

This sucks.

so much!

This weekend has been jam-packed just how I like it, with good stuff.

Friday evening I posted on FaceBook the Doc will be gone for the month of June so it would be the perfect time for my family/friends to come visit me. My sister said that I should come home instead and when I told her that it just wasn't in the budget everyone started saying that they will chip in! I guess they really want to see the baby. They will even help with the cost to get a pet sitter for Moses, I am so blessed. Doc wasn't very happy about this, I don't know if he's embarrassed or jealous that he can't come too. I don't care, people want me to come home enough to pay for it I will go. Flying with a 4 month old has already been keeping me up at night.

I found my dog sitter too, a coworkers daughter is going to stay at my place and take care of Moses and the cat, Doc knows that other dog needs to be gone before he leaves. I just don't know what to pay her, she doesn't have to walk him or anything, just play with him and make sure he eats, he will get his exercise in the yard (I know he should be walked but don't worry he will get extra love when I get back). I am thinking around $100 for the week, does that sound reasonable?

The other news, we bought DH a new car yesterday! He was driving a 2006 Aveo that we hated. We really needed to get him a new car 2 years ago and we got taken for a ride, we were upside down on it and didn't know what we were going to do. If we do PCS to AZ we wouldn't be able to take it since it doesn't have AC - can you imagine? We went to a Hyundai dealership yesterday to see how we could work their cash back incentives to our advantage and with their regular cash back, military cash and owner loyalty we were able to make it work and the best news is we are making the exact same payments!

The loan is almost twice as much but my credit has improved so much that we got a 5.9% rate! The last loan was 16%. When I was in college I really screwed u p my credit and never thought I would recover but now I am well in the 700s and a "well qualified buyer." I couldn't stop smiling yesterday. Now I just need to take care of a few discrepancies on one of my reports and we will be able to refinance my car down from it's 18% rate to something much much better.
He got a 2010 Hyundai Elantra Blue, it gets 35mpg and is safe. We would never put the baby in the Aveo but now that we have this car we are going to get a new seat base and this will become our around the town car saving us a lot on gas (I drive a 07 Santa Fe).

So these good things are helping to take the sting off of the Bruins loss.

moving up from supporting player

I got my cat in early 2005, I met in married Doc in late 2005. Doc has never been fond of Princess, as a kitten she would keep us up all night climbing the curtains and doing things that kittens do. When we finally moved in together in late 2006 (the movers came on our first anniversary) she came with and seemed to love life as my sole companion while I was unemployed in NC. In early 2007 we adopted Moses. Princess knew from the beginning that her time in the spotlight was done. It's not that I didn't love Princess any more just that Moses, a 12 week old puppy, needed my undivided attention (those who have house broken a puppy know what I am talking about).
Princess still slept with me at night but during the day she was off in the background.

Fast forward to present day, Princess sees a new family member and with that a chance to regain a starring role in the family. I was very worried about Princess's reaction to the baby but I have been pleasantly surprised and I am sure that Princess LOVES TC. She likes to sleep in the chair in TC's room at night, she hangs out under or around wherever TC is during the day (under the swing or under the bouncy chair) - it's like she's decided that she and TC are going to be inseparable. This was yesterday, and it wasn't the first time she's done this.
In other cat news, she's decided that she loves hanging out in the garage which means I need to remember to keep my sunroof closed when I park in there, Princess almost took an unscheduled ride to post today!

better

It is amazing day here in Western Washington and that is just what I needed. TC and I went for a nice long walk with some friends, TC and A are only 3 weeks apart so it's fun to get them together.
We took a nice long walk and grabbed lunch, I am blessed to have a friend going through all this crap with. I was able to vent and I fell so much better.

Last night Doc told me that he didn't think my stretch mark cream was working and he offered to get me a tummy tuck after our next kid. You better believe I cried but I guess he didn't realize tummy tucks are to get rid of fat bellies and not stretch marks. I know he doesn't care what I look like he just wants me to be happy I just wish he had some tact. I'm over it now but it was like being punched in the flabby gut.

This morning he called and told me that he leaves at the end of the month for a month of hospital rotations in GA. It's just a month but I am really upset about it, he's going to miss TC's 4 month appointment and Father's Day. I HATE Father's Day - last year it fell on my Dad's birthday and I thought that would be my last sad Father's Day because we would have a reason to celebrate it from now on...I should have known better. But these are the plans and I can't change them so I am just going to suck it up and deal. At least a month of TDY money will be nice.

I keep seeing this in my head

July 9th 2006...I know I will never get back to my 26 year old self but I would love to have the confidence she had.

FYI, I took this picture to send to Doc while he was in GA at jump school he texted back "why would you do that to me?" The answer to that was easy - because I could.

I've started a twitter account so I can track my workouts if you're interested it's http://twitter.com/RandomArmyWife

the itsy bitsy spider

The other day I was minding my own business in the shower when I grabbed my razor off the top of the shower. Like I always do I lathered up and started shaving my pits (hot right?) and when I looked down there it was, a big lack spider just waiting to suck the blood out of my just chillen in my arm pit! OK, perhaps I have seen Arachnophobia one too many times and in reality my spider was the size of a pea but that's not the point. There was a spider on my naked body....A SPIDER! Anyway, I screamed and brushed it off of me and sent that sucker down the drain. I waited for a moment for Doc to come barreling in to see what cause my blood curdling scream but he never came. He had been playing xBox and didn't even hear me! I suppose if I ever have a real reason to scream while in the shower I better make it a loud one or I will be on my own.

And that's really all I have. Doc's back to work and I am fighting off what maybe a bit of depression. I'm doing my best to fight it off with exercise and good nutrition (plus cake) but I am not sure how well that is working. Doc's doing a good job checking up on me making sure I am OK which I really appreciate. It's mostly me feeling bad about myself so don't worry, my baby is not at risk. If I ever get the feeling that I want to hurt myself or her I will be on the phone for help right away - she has the ability to make my heart smile no matter how down I am feeling.

mother's day

Today is really no different than any other day, Doc is having an off day so I can't expect much from him. He said he has about 2 days like this a week which is better than everyday like it was when he got home. A year ago today Doc came home from his second deployment, we were excited about the possibility of starting a family, moving, and everything the future could hold - how crazy is it that exactly a year later I'm celebrating my first mother's day?

Anyway, yesterday we had a nice we had a nice family day at the zoo. I was underwhelmed with the zoo, I felt the habitats were too small and overall the whole place was just small. I guess I went to the wrong zoo though and now I am excited to check out the zoo in Seattle! Maybe this week. Here are some shots from the day:

TC LOVED the stuffed animal we got her, she immediately grabbed it and hugged it, so flippen cute.

grrrr

hate everything right now, I hated everything last night too. I am fine one moment and the next moment I want to crawl in bed and cry. I will have to keep a record of these feelings because I have a feeling the hormones in my IUD are causing them. One thing I don't hate right now is my little family. My perfect daughter makes me smile no matter what.

At the zoo...the zoo pissed me off too! The zoo here sucks, I guess I was spoiled my The Roger Williams Zoo in RI but Point Defiance was like little league compared to it. More on our zoo trip tomorrow when I'm not so pissy (it really was a good day).

hiding veggies

I am sure this is something mothers of toddlers do all the time but in my case I am hiding the veggies from myself. Yes I know they are in there but it's so much easier to eat vegetables when I don't actually have to eat vegetables.

I've started making "green" smoothies. I just take whatever fruit I have in the fridge and freezer in the blender with either some fruit juice or today it was almond milk and then I add a few kale leaves. I know it sounds gross but you can hardly taste the kale and that stuff is loaded with good crap - I don't eat fish so it's a great way to get my omega-3 fatty acids. I've found that fresh lime juice helps cover the earthiness of the greens. Even Doc drinks them so they have to be good.

Tonight I made pasta and meat sauce (ground turkey and red sauce) but I tossed in chopped asparagus and it was actually pretty good. I think I am going to try this with everything I make from now on.

In other news, anyone else watching the Red Sox on NESN tonight? Jerry Remy is in rare form tonight and I LOVE it.

wordless Wednesday

chip off the old block

My kid has quite the personality and she will not be told what to do. OK she's a day shy of 3 months so I am making a few assumptions but she sure can be frustrating. She chats up a storm but once I put a camera on her she shuts up and just stares into the camera. Even when I use the regular digi cam with no lights on it she still refuses to perform and I get about 3 minutes of this

In some army news, Doc emailed the NCO IC where we are hoping to PCS about the position. Hopefully this will really get the ball rolling. I just want to know if we are staying or not. He thought he was feeling better but we moved some furniture the other day and his neck is stiff again. But you can't rush a brain injury.

I will tell you this, I lie having him around but I won't cry when leave is over. I want my days back, my schedule back! Luckily I've been able to continue to work out and it looks like we are getting some dry days so TC and I can really put that jogger to some good use. The best news of all, my in-between jeans were falling off so I tried my sixes and they fit! Woot-woot.

Got one!!

I decided on the Nikon D3000 and while I really have no idea how to use it I've started playing around. It's been forever since I looked through a view finder ;D. Here are some of the pics I took today, nothing special (well TC is special) I just wanted to see what it could do.

The first 3 I edited the rest are untouched.










My dad was a photographer, he would be amazed at today's cameras if he ever saw them.