How exciting it is! There are so many things that July will bring it's a little overwhelming. For starters my contract at work is up in the end of July! I have been working hard to have something lined up because not working is just not an option for me financially or mentally. We spent several months at a different post and I did not work and all I did was get fat - not something I wish to repeat. I have gone on 2 interviews thus far, one last week was just not a job for me and one this morning that I think we pretty well; but you never know who else they have in mind. I should know by the end of the week. I am pretty excited to get out of this job - not everyone knows I am leaving but the important people do and because of that I have not been given a lot of fun stuff to do. I understand, why have me start a project that I can't see through to completion. DH has been really great about my job search and understands that because of the timing of all of this some of our homecoming plans may change.
Yup, homecoming plans - it is coming up so soon!!! I can not wait. I miss him like crazy. So does the dog. I was talking to him on webcam the other night and he said that he didn't think that the dog even knew who he was - to prove him wrong I said "Hey dog, where's Daddy??? Where's Daddy?" And as DH watched the dog went crazy waiting at the door for daddy to come home. I felt awful! That poor guy but at least it showed that he hasn't forgotten. It was be so amazing to see how excited he gets when DH finally does walk through that door, it makes me want to cry just thinking about it.
It has been a pretty boring week, the dog hurt himself somehow and has been on "strict bed rest" and pain meds per the vet's request. Well he's a 19 month old puppy, he's not good at bed rest! And he's been off the pills for a few days because the cat decided that she was going to play with the container and pushed it into the disposal...I searched the house like a crazy woman for those pills and it wasn't until I used the disposal this morning that I discovered them. I will take him for a short walk tonight and see how he's doing in the AM, the vet wants a follow up visit but that may just be a waste of time, he had a pulled muscle and now he's fine.
I went to my first dentist appointment in over 12 years last week, I was scared to death but I am so glad I did it - only 2 cavities but that is not what drove me there. I have been suffering from serious wisdom tooth pain for a few weeks and that was my first step. I have called a few oral surgeons and it's going to cost me about $1000 out of pocket so I am not happy about that. It needs to be done so I will do it but I want to bitch about it for a few more days!
Saturday was hard, my whole family was together from my cousins wedding and I was home alone, living so far away sucks! I wonder if anyone thought about me, I think a better question is I wonder if anyone decided to talk shit about me because I wasn't there. I am sure they did but oh well. People just don't understand how hard it is to be on the other end, it's not like I was here partying with my husband or anything.
The good news is that this week my scale hit 133.5! I have lost 10lbs since he left. My major goal was to be 130 when he returns and it is very possible that I will be less! I am not going to get too excited because anything can happen. I have also decided to give up drinking until he's home (and prob after because I am most likely going to be the designated driver). Those few beers and glasses of wine sure add up calorie wise! I have been working out at least 4 times a week - I just wish my arms would start to tone up, they still look like big old sausages! I have a sun dress that I want to pick him up in and I really want to be able to show off some killer arms!
That is about it, nothing too exciting but I felt that I should update it since one day I will be looking back at this remembering how I spent my first deployment.
23 June 2008
18 June 2008
I don't know what I am getting myself into!
So I now have 3 blogs to keep up! One is a wash, just on MySpace and I only post really stupid meaningless stuff there. A few of you already know that :) I just started a blog that will be good for my friends and family to read, it will be an update on our lives out here and all of that good stuff. I think it is easier than sending out emails or newsletters! It would just really suck if one day I confuse this blog with that one....yikes!
Things with me have been pretty good - I have been drama free for a number of days which makes me really happy. On Monday I wasted the morning, and about a quarter of a tank of gas, going to an interview. It is nice to know that I can still hold my own in an interview but this job is just not for me. I understand the market is hard right now and if I have to suck it up and take an Admin job I will do that but I will not work on a place so far back in the stone ages that the managers can't get their own coffee?! The ladies who interviewed me were really nice and they knew that there was something wrong with that so I didn't feel too badly telling them that I did not go to a top business school to get people coffee! I also told them that I understand that I may have to start at the bottom (again) and I don't mind as long as there is room for growth - this position the only thing I could grow into was a super admin. Oh well, the search continues.
On the fitness front, I am totally cheating! I have been working out and semi-watching what I eat but I am stuck at one weight and I can't break it! I went out and got myself some Hydroxicut. Hopefully this will help me get over the hump. I have taken it before and I will be fine as long as I drink massive amounts of water. So here's hoping, I have a few weeks left to really knock his socks off. I am going to give up drinking until he's home as well, not like I am a big drinker or anything but I will have a beer when I go out to eat and the last few weekends I had quite a few as well but if I really want to lose weight I have to get serious - and I am not one to drink light beer!
So yea life is boring here - I am so so so excited to have my husband home soon. I wish he was allowed to tell me details like when his replacements are getting there and stuff but all of that would compromise his position - I just hope that he doesn't pick up on my excitement too much and keeps his mind focused. He is not out of harms way yet so please continue to pray for him. I just can't wait until he's here and I can finally get a good night's sleep and wake up next to the man that I love!
Things with me have been pretty good - I have been drama free for a number of days which makes me really happy. On Monday I wasted the morning, and about a quarter of a tank of gas, going to an interview. It is nice to know that I can still hold my own in an interview but this job is just not for me. I understand the market is hard right now and if I have to suck it up and take an Admin job I will do that but I will not work on a place so far back in the stone ages that the managers can't get their own coffee?! The ladies who interviewed me were really nice and they knew that there was something wrong with that so I didn't feel too badly telling them that I did not go to a top business school to get people coffee! I also told them that I understand that I may have to start at the bottom (again) and I don't mind as long as there is room for growth - this position the only thing I could grow into was a super admin. Oh well, the search continues.
On the fitness front, I am totally cheating! I have been working out and semi-watching what I eat but I am stuck at one weight and I can't break it! I went out and got myself some Hydroxicut. Hopefully this will help me get over the hump. I have taken it before and I will be fine as long as I drink massive amounts of water. So here's hoping, I have a few weeks left to really knock his socks off. I am going to give up drinking until he's home as well, not like I am a big drinker or anything but I will have a beer when I go out to eat and the last few weekends I had quite a few as well but if I really want to lose weight I have to get serious - and I am not one to drink light beer!
So yea life is boring here - I am so so so excited to have my husband home soon. I wish he was allowed to tell me details like when his replacements are getting there and stuff but all of that would compromise his position - I just hope that he doesn't pick up on my excitement too much and keeps his mind focused. He is not out of harms way yet so please continue to pray for him. I just can't wait until he's here and I can finally get a good night's sleep and wake up next to the man that I love!
13 June 2008
The home stretch
I mentioned before that he wouldn't be gone long and now we are coming into our final weeks! It is so exciting but I will not be OK until he is back in my arms. Some soldiers who start to think about being at home and not about the job they have to do get distracted and get hurt or get someone else hurt. I am praying that this does not happen. This past week has been a long one, I have spoken to my FRG leader more this week than all the others combined, there could be several reasons for this and since they are so well trained I refuse to believe that it is because they weren't 100% focused.
As I said there is a notification process and it is not always fool proof. Yesterday I was in such a good mood - there have been great things going on in the lives of the people I love and I had some small but good news to tell DH. He called yesterday,I was my chipper self and he was not. It was a horrible connection so it was really hard to hear him. I said "How are you" and he said "you haven't been called yet?" COME ON?! My stomach was on the floor by now with 1000 different things running through my mind - he told me that he was OK but someone close to him was hurt. He couldn't tell he who and he couldn't tell me how all I had to do was wait. I checked my voice mail at home and there was the call, telling me to check my email. (I think from now on she will call me first because I am so crazy haha.)
Later that evening I got another call, another injury - another man to pray for. I was able to find out that DH's friend was doing well and his wife was doing well so hopefully everything will be just fine, praise God. When the second notice came in I knew I would not get to talk to DH online so I sent him several thousand "I love yous" and "turn to God" thoughts through out telepathic connection (what you didn't get one of those when you were married?) I hope he felt me, I hope he is taking my advise. I hope I don't have to talk to my FRG leader until they are home!
On a different note:
I do have a little work of advise for anyone reading who may happen to be a telemarketer - don't harass a woman who's husband is deployed. We have been getting calls every night from the VFW for the past month or so, every time I pick up I tell them that he's not home and wont be home for a while (one guy asked if he left me!) I also tell that that we have our charitable giving decided for the year and unfortunately it won't be them this year. That obviously didn't do the trick so I asked them to take our number off their list and when that didn't work I told them that we are on the don not call list (which is true) so they really aren't allowed to call us. Last night I was so high strung that when they called I lost it, I was out with the dog and I could hear the phone ring inside, given the news that I had heard that day my first thought was that the soldier did not pull through (thank God I was wrong)...so I raced inside and the caller ID was the VFW:
"Listen, you call every night and every night I tell you to stop. My husband is deployed and every time this phone rings it freaks me out and I do not need that. We are not donating to you this year and I have told you to stop calling and I have told you that we are on the don not call list..."
"Mrs S...."
"...if you keep this up I am calling the Better Business Bureau!"
"OK thank you"
I guess BBB is the magic 3 letters! I feel bad that I did that but come on! I work at a non profit and I know that the best way to get donations has nothing to do with harassment! The VFW is a fine organization but after dealing with this I will never give to the chapter in this state.
As I said there is a notification process and it is not always fool proof. Yesterday I was in such a good mood - there have been great things going on in the lives of the people I love and I had some small but good news to tell DH. He called yesterday,I was my chipper self and he was not. It was a horrible connection so it was really hard to hear him. I said "How are you" and he said "you haven't been called yet?" COME ON?! My stomach was on the floor by now with 1000 different things running through my mind - he told me that he was OK but someone close to him was hurt. He couldn't tell he who and he couldn't tell me how all I had to do was wait. I checked my voice mail at home and there was the call, telling me to check my email. (I think from now on she will call me first because I am so crazy haha.)
Later that evening I got another call, another injury - another man to pray for. I was able to find out that DH's friend was doing well and his wife was doing well so hopefully everything will be just fine, praise God. When the second notice came in I knew I would not get to talk to DH online so I sent him several thousand "I love yous" and "turn to God" thoughts through out telepathic connection (what you didn't get one of those when you were married?) I hope he felt me, I hope he is taking my advise. I hope I don't have to talk to my FRG leader until they are home!
On a different note:
I do have a little work of advise for anyone reading who may happen to be a telemarketer - don't harass a woman who's husband is deployed. We have been getting calls every night from the VFW for the past month or so, every time I pick up I tell them that he's not home and wont be home for a while (one guy asked if he left me!) I also tell that that we have our charitable giving decided for the year and unfortunately it won't be them this year. That obviously didn't do the trick so I asked them to take our number off their list and when that didn't work I told them that we are on the don not call list (which is true) so they really aren't allowed to call us. Last night I was so high strung that when they called I lost it, I was out with the dog and I could hear the phone ring inside, given the news that I had heard that day my first thought was that the soldier did not pull through (thank God I was wrong)...so I raced inside and the caller ID was the VFW:
"Listen, you call every night and every night I tell you to stop. My husband is deployed and every time this phone rings it freaks me out and I do not need that. We are not donating to you this year and I have told you to stop calling and I have told you that we are on the don not call list..."
"Mrs S...."
"...if you keep this up I am calling the Better Business Bureau!"
"OK thank you"
I guess BBB is the magic 3 letters! I feel bad that I did that but come on! I work at a non profit and I know that the best way to get donations has nothing to do with harassment! The VFW is a fine organization but after dealing with this I will never give to the chapter in this state.
11 June 2008
Worst night ever!
I am sure that each unit has their own way of dealing with casualties, with us a message goes to the FRG and then the callers start the notifications. (All of this is after the next of kin has been notified). There is also an email that goes out to the wives, sometimes you get it before the call sometimes after. God bless these callers because I don't know how they do it. I haven't known any of these fallen soldiers personally but they are all part of the "family" and so I am always emotional when I hear of it. Each time I hear of this my mind automatically goes to the wife who's life was turned upside down by a knock on the door. In that instant she has gone from wife to widow. I pray that she has people she loves surrounding her, I pray she has a relationship with God, I pray that her last words to their husband were words of love and encouragement. I have no idea what goes through her mind but I do know what goes through mine, "Thank God it wasn't me." And I feel horrible for having that thought but it just pops right in there. There is no reason that it happens to one and not the other and I would never wish that pain on anyone but I can't stop it, "Thank God it wasn't me."
This past notification was a little different - the email did not specify that no one else was involved and then no phone call came. I panicked - I didn't know what to do because a few weeks earlier I found a file in DH's call with all of my contact info - was that a copy? Was that the real file?
"Oh my God they are looking for me."
"Our home of record is 3000 miles away"
"They would do whatever it takes to not notify me over the phone"
"If this is it they should just come now and get it over with"
Then the worst thing happened, I couldn't feel DH any more. Anyone who's gone through a deployment knows that you can always feel your husband with you, even if he is thousands of miles away. That was gone. I grasped onto his wedding ring which I wear around my neck (several reasons he didn't bring it with him) and I just prayed to God to bring him back to me. Assure me that he was safe and if not to give me the strength to get through what was ahead. Around 1AM a car parked near my apartment, two doors slammed closed and I clenched up and waited for the knock, I wondered if they would mind the dog jumping on them in their nice class A's. After 10 minutes I was sure they were not coming for me. I had nightmares all night, emails on top of emails of casualties. In total I got about 2 hours of sleep.
I arrived at work the next morning a shell of myself. I wanted to stay home but I had things to do and I couldn't bare waiting for the notification to come. I was unable to talk to anyone about all of this I had fake smiles and tried to act like I was OK. I finally emailed my FRG leader and she didn't know why the email was different and as far as she knows that was the only notification. The calls stopped because she thought it was too late. I wonder how many other wives had the same night that I did. I was able to calm down a bit at that point.
About an hour later I went on my bank account page and saw that DH bought himself an xbox - he's just fine! Why didn't I think of that earlier? But after looking at the amount of money he spent I think I am going to kill him!
This past notification was a little different - the email did not specify that no one else was involved and then no phone call came. I panicked - I didn't know what to do because a few weeks earlier I found a file in DH's call with all of my contact info - was that a copy? Was that the real file?
"Oh my God they are looking for me."
"Our home of record is 3000 miles away"
"They would do whatever it takes to not notify me over the phone"
"If this is it they should just come now and get it over with"
Then the worst thing happened, I couldn't feel DH any more. Anyone who's gone through a deployment knows that you can always feel your husband with you, even if he is thousands of miles away. That was gone. I grasped onto his wedding ring which I wear around my neck (several reasons he didn't bring it with him) and I just prayed to God to bring him back to me. Assure me that he was safe and if not to give me the strength to get through what was ahead. Around 1AM a car parked near my apartment, two doors slammed closed and I clenched up and waited for the knock, I wondered if they would mind the dog jumping on them in their nice class A's. After 10 minutes I was sure they were not coming for me. I had nightmares all night, emails on top of emails of casualties. In total I got about 2 hours of sleep.
I arrived at work the next morning a shell of myself. I wanted to stay home but I had things to do and I couldn't bare waiting for the notification to come. I was unable to talk to anyone about all of this I had fake smiles and tried to act like I was OK. I finally emailed my FRG leader and she didn't know why the email was different and as far as she knows that was the only notification. The calls stopped because she thought it was too late. I wonder how many other wives had the same night that I did. I was able to calm down a bit at that point.
About an hour later I went on my bank account page and saw that DH bought himself an xbox - he's just fine! Why didn't I think of that earlier? But after looking at the amount of money he spent I think I am going to kill him!
09 June 2008
I am really not surprised
When DH was getting ready to leave all I heard was how much support I would have and how everyone would be rallying behind me blah blah blah. If you were reading a few months ago, my stepmother started running her mouth about details of DH's deployment so I called her to ask her to keep things on a need to know basis. While it wasn't secrete information anything to do with DH is sensitive because of the nature of his job. Well she got all "butt hurt" (army slang) about that. I don't really know what her problem was, I was nice about it and I really didn't want to cause any unnecessary stress (for myself). When we got off the phone she said that everything was OK but that was 2 months ago and I have yet to hear from her. The only time I did talk to her was when my sister accidentally put us on a three way call. Apparently my stepmother was calling everyone (except for me) to yell at them for not calling our grandmother on the anniversary of our father's death...what about calling us? Here I was 3000 miles from any family and she can't pick up a friggen phone?
I know, I could have called her - I was the one calling her and since I stopped we stopped talking so that is that. There have been some people who have been great. My real mother has been fantastic in just letting me talk about the most random stuff. She never asks any army questions because she knows that when I call that is not what I want to deal with. She understands that when I say that I can't talk about something I am not just trying to seem like I am better than someone it's just that my husband's job is not to be openly discussed over the phone!
There have been others as well, I am sure they don't realize how nice it has been because we don't really talk a lot. My best friend growing up has been amazing, she had a baby a few months ago and I am so proud of her, she is a great mom. When we do get a chance to talk I feel like I monopolize the conversation, she asks me how I am and I always lay the whole truth on her. It's not like I don't ask about the baby but we spend way more time talking about my crap then we ever do her beautiful daughter. I am going to try to change that, but it is nice to know that it doesn't matter to her.
One big surprise has been my sister, yes she still annoys me with ridiculous crap and complains to me about problems I would love to have but she has been OK when I have blown up on her for it! She called to complain about a bill she has to pay and the first thing she said is "I hate being a homeowner" which was so not fair because we can't buy a house because odds are that we wont be here very long and she KNOWS that. And the day she called I was frantically searching for someone to help me out getting DH's car to the shop...it is times like that when you realize how alone you are. So my sister comes out with that opening line and I unloaded on her about how I am all alone and I wish I had such problems blah blah blah. I felt bad, I try to keep things in perspective, she's not here, she doesn't know how hard it is for me. How every morning I have to convince myself to get out of bed and how every evening I eat dinner all alone in front on my computer screen willing him to sign on IM. She doesn't see any of that. So I called the next day to apologize and she had no idea what I was even apologizing for so obviously she didn't take it personally. **she could give my step mother a few lessons**
Obviously the most help has come from my army wife friends, most of which I have never met. They get it, they understand what this is all about. They are amazingly strong women from many different backgrounds with many different perspectives. They don't make me feel bad for having a bad day. We have been though so much together, births, deaths, marriages, divorces, moving away, moving home, enlisting and ETSing. We are always there to cry together and laugh together and it is a bond like no other. This past week has been a great week for us, I get teary eyed as I type it, we had two more husbands come home safe and sound. It is an amazing thing to have families reunited. I imagine that it is in those first few minutes of saying hello that you know why you do it (I will know for sure when it is my turn!). This life isn't for everyone but for those who can do it the rewards are indescribable.
Oh and last night I spent 30 minutes trying to get the lid off of a jar of sauce...that bastard would not budge - what does surprise me is that in my frustrations I didn't slam it on the floor and curse God for giving me this life. I guess I have done some growing up and given the circumstances that is not surprising at all.
I know, I could have called her - I was the one calling her and since I stopped we stopped talking so that is that. There have been some people who have been great. My real mother has been fantastic in just letting me talk about the most random stuff. She never asks any army questions because she knows that when I call that is not what I want to deal with. She understands that when I say that I can't talk about something I am not just trying to seem like I am better than someone it's just that my husband's job is not to be openly discussed over the phone!
There have been others as well, I am sure they don't realize how nice it has been because we don't really talk a lot. My best friend growing up has been amazing, she had a baby a few months ago and I am so proud of her, she is a great mom. When we do get a chance to talk I feel like I monopolize the conversation, she asks me how I am and I always lay the whole truth on her. It's not like I don't ask about the baby but we spend way more time talking about my crap then we ever do her beautiful daughter. I am going to try to change that, but it is nice to know that it doesn't matter to her.
One big surprise has been my sister, yes she still annoys me with ridiculous crap and complains to me about problems I would love to have but she has been OK when I have blown up on her for it! She called to complain about a bill she has to pay and the first thing she said is "I hate being a homeowner" which was so not fair because we can't buy a house because odds are that we wont be here very long and she KNOWS that. And the day she called I was frantically searching for someone to help me out getting DH's car to the shop...it is times like that when you realize how alone you are. So my sister comes out with that opening line and I unloaded on her about how I am all alone and I wish I had such problems blah blah blah. I felt bad, I try to keep things in perspective, she's not here, she doesn't know how hard it is for me. How every morning I have to convince myself to get out of bed and how every evening I eat dinner all alone in front on my computer screen willing him to sign on IM. She doesn't see any of that. So I called the next day to apologize and she had no idea what I was even apologizing for so obviously she didn't take it personally. **she could give my step mother a few lessons**
Obviously the most help has come from my army wife friends, most of which I have never met. They get it, they understand what this is all about. They are amazingly strong women from many different backgrounds with many different perspectives. They don't make me feel bad for having a bad day. We have been though so much together, births, deaths, marriages, divorces, moving away, moving home, enlisting and ETSing. We are always there to cry together and laugh together and it is a bond like no other. This past week has been a great week for us, I get teary eyed as I type it, we had two more husbands come home safe and sound. It is an amazing thing to have families reunited. I imagine that it is in those first few minutes of saying hello that you know why you do it (I will know for sure when it is my turn!). This life isn't for everyone but for those who can do it the rewards are indescribable.
Oh and last night I spent 30 minutes trying to get the lid off of a jar of sauce...that bastard would not budge - what does surprise me is that in my frustrations I didn't slam it on the floor and curse God for giving me this life. I guess I have done some growing up and given the circumstances that is not surprising at all.
04 June 2008
From Up to Down
Yes, I have gone from up to down in both my mood and my counting! You may notice I removed the "Since we kissed" element from my page...that doesn't really matter anymore because in my head I am counting down. I have a window of time when I can expect him home and since receiving that I am TRYING to focus more energy thinking about his homecoming and not on the time we've spent apart. I am trying to think about how amazing it will be to fall asleep with him and not how miserable it is to wake up alone.
There are several things that make this hard, one of them is the fact that his homecoming is not as soon as I would like - I still have several weeks of waking up alone ahead of me. Another is that DH is miserable - usually we have our best conversations online (because we are not phone people and all his calls are monitored) but these past few days have been like pulling teeth. I have no idea what he is going through over there but I do know that these past few months have changed him forever. Obviously I am not getting into details but it is war and "war is hell". He is tired, he doesn't even remember his last day off. I have been trying to find fun things for us to do when he comes home and all he wants to do is sleep in his own bed. It breaks my heart and I have to be honest that I am scared to death that that sparkle in his eyes and wise guy smile that I fell in love with will be gone. For better and for worse, that is what I am in this for and no matter what I love my husband and I will stand behind him, I don't want to be putting the wrong idea out there - I think it is normal for us all to be scared. I just know that whatever is going on in his mind I am not going to be able to fix with fresh lemon bars and sweet tea but damn it I will try!
Now the other "down". My attitude has just plummeted. I am so excited to see him but all these fears are getting to me. Before he left I was making breakfast and crying and he asked what I was the most afraid of (other than the obvious) and I told him that I just want to pick up the same man that I dropped off and I know there is a real possibility that I will not. Even if I do there is another thing that I have been pushing out of my mind since he left but now it is nagging me - about 7 weeks after he comes home he leaves again for one of the hardest schools in the army. he will be gone for almost another 3 months (or maybe more). There will be no phone calls, not IMs, nothing. I can write to him but that's it. How the hell am I going to do that? He's my whole world and I just want to keep him here with me.
It wouldn't be so bad if I was in an OK place but I'm not. I am 3000 miles from my family and friends and the weather here is awful and there is just nothing I like. I know I can make some friends but it's not that easy. DH's unit is different than most and that makes it hard to have friends who's husbands' are not DH's coworkers and as for those wives, I've yet to find one (who is sticking around) that I mesh with. There are always civilian friends and I am not opposed to them but that is really hard - they just don't get it. Obviously I have friends that I have had forever but they know me, they knew the old me before I got married and they stuck with the new me. We have our past together as a binder, new friends just don't get it.
So yes, I am down. I hope that tomorrow I am back up - it will be one day closer to being in his arms again!
There are several things that make this hard, one of them is the fact that his homecoming is not as soon as I would like - I still have several weeks of waking up alone ahead of me. Another is that DH is miserable - usually we have our best conversations online (because we are not phone people and all his calls are monitored) but these past few days have been like pulling teeth. I have no idea what he is going through over there but I do know that these past few months have changed him forever. Obviously I am not getting into details but it is war and "war is hell". He is tired, he doesn't even remember his last day off. I have been trying to find fun things for us to do when he comes home and all he wants to do is sleep in his own bed. It breaks my heart and I have to be honest that I am scared to death that that sparkle in his eyes and wise guy smile that I fell in love with will be gone. For better and for worse, that is what I am in this for and no matter what I love my husband and I will stand behind him, I don't want to be putting the wrong idea out there - I think it is normal for us all to be scared. I just know that whatever is going on in his mind I am not going to be able to fix with fresh lemon bars and sweet tea but damn it I will try!
Now the other "down". My attitude has just plummeted. I am so excited to see him but all these fears are getting to me. Before he left I was making breakfast and crying and he asked what I was the most afraid of (other than the obvious) and I told him that I just want to pick up the same man that I dropped off and I know there is a real possibility that I will not. Even if I do there is another thing that I have been pushing out of my mind since he left but now it is nagging me - about 7 weeks after he comes home he leaves again for one of the hardest schools in the army. he will be gone for almost another 3 months (or maybe more). There will be no phone calls, not IMs, nothing. I can write to him but that's it. How the hell am I going to do that? He's my whole world and I just want to keep him here with me.
It wouldn't be so bad if I was in an OK place but I'm not. I am 3000 miles from my family and friends and the weather here is awful and there is just nothing I like. I know I can make some friends but it's not that easy. DH's unit is different than most and that makes it hard to have friends who's husbands' are not DH's coworkers and as for those wives, I've yet to find one (who is sticking around) that I mesh with. There are always civilian friends and I am not opposed to them but that is really hard - they just don't get it. Obviously I have friends that I have had forever but they know me, they knew the old me before I got married and they stuck with the new me. We have our past together as a binder, new friends just don't get it.
So yes, I am down. I hope that tomorrow I am back up - it will be one day closer to being in his arms again!
03 June 2008
Can't I just go to bed?!
So much has been going on here, some good, some bad and some...well some that I would just rather not think about! This past weekend was fantastic, I had a friend up for a visit - well her first visit really, we met on myspace about 2 years ago and have been chatting ever since. We did all of the touristy things and just hung out like old friends do. It was so nice to have someone other than the dog to talk to! I am blessed to have such amazing people in my life and even though I do a lot of complaining (I like to think of it as "venting") I know that I am lucky to have such people in my life. I will share one thing with you, we went to a piano bar near by and I had the most fun that I have had since DH left - it was exactly what I needed.
Last week, on the other hand, was a nightmare. Well the past few weeks have been just crap. I came home from work one day to find a notice on my front door that there had been a sexual assault in my apartment complex...then I opened my door to see that my dog had eaten my digital camera!? What kind of a dog does that? He took it off the table and chewed it to death. It broke my heart. DH spent a lot of time researching the perfect gift for me and now it's gone. Then later that night I started getting phone calls and the caller ID was DH's cell phone. His phone had been on my kitchen counter since he left, I hadn't seen it in a few days so I figured I had just put it away and forgot where away was, I didn't suspend the service because with the family plan and the length of time that he is gone it was just not worth the bother. Then I got a call from a friend asking if DH was OK because he got a call too (no one answered on the other end). I searched my house and it was nowhere to be found. All I can think is that someone saw me leave with the dog and they came in and snagged the phone. Since nothing else went missing we are assuming that it was probably some kids (kids who know people in Mexico because they called Guadalajara!) All of that in one night was just too much! I got no sleep. The dog is happy though, we are on the ground floor and to stay safe at night he is no longer crated - he's a great watch dog.
I wish that was the worst of it all. I found out last week that my position is not being extended. I work at a Non-profit so in an effort to keep over head down they rely on temps to do a lot of the work, I am one of those temps. Since I started there has been talk of getting me on full time, it is a matter of getting the head count approved. A few months ago our team was reorganized and I had a bad feeling about it. I do marketing and I am damn good at it. My boss has a new boss who is still learning our department but thinks she knows enough to say that my job should be an admin and not marketing, I will no do it. I did not go to one of the better business schools in the country to take meeting minutes and schedule other people's meetings. I am devastated though, this is not the best time for me to be finding a new job. So I am now looking for another job, I am kind of glad to be leaving this place though - for a Christian organization they treat their temps like total dirt. I will still donate to them because they do AMAZING things and I am not trying to discourage that but it is not the best fit for me. So please - if anyone is reading this and you pray, pray that something opens up for me!
Now the good news, this deployment is winding down. I know - he just left, I am lucky because my husband's job is one of shorter more frequent deployments. We still have a bit of time to go, I am not making welcome home cookies yet but I am starting to see the end off in the future. It is an amazing feeling, I just need his arms around me and that will let me know this is all going to be OK.
Last week, on the other hand, was a nightmare. Well the past few weeks have been just crap. I came home from work one day to find a notice on my front door that there had been a sexual assault in my apartment complex...then I opened my door to see that my dog had eaten my digital camera!? What kind of a dog does that? He took it off the table and chewed it to death. It broke my heart. DH spent a lot of time researching the perfect gift for me and now it's gone. Then later that night I started getting phone calls and the caller ID was DH's cell phone. His phone had been on my kitchen counter since he left, I hadn't seen it in a few days so I figured I had just put it away and forgot where away was, I didn't suspend the service because with the family plan and the length of time that he is gone it was just not worth the bother. Then I got a call from a friend asking if DH was OK because he got a call too (no one answered on the other end). I searched my house and it was nowhere to be found. All I can think is that someone saw me leave with the dog and they came in and snagged the phone. Since nothing else went missing we are assuming that it was probably some kids (kids who know people in Mexico because they called Guadalajara!) All of that in one night was just too much! I got no sleep. The dog is happy though, we are on the ground floor and to stay safe at night he is no longer crated - he's a great watch dog.
I wish that was the worst of it all. I found out last week that my position is not being extended. I work at a Non-profit so in an effort to keep over head down they rely on temps to do a lot of the work, I am one of those temps. Since I started there has been talk of getting me on full time, it is a matter of getting the head count approved. A few months ago our team was reorganized and I had a bad feeling about it. I do marketing and I am damn good at it. My boss has a new boss who is still learning our department but thinks she knows enough to say that my job should be an admin and not marketing, I will no do it. I did not go to one of the better business schools in the country to take meeting minutes and schedule other people's meetings. I am devastated though, this is not the best time for me to be finding a new job. So I am now looking for another job, I am kind of glad to be leaving this place though - for a Christian organization they treat their temps like total dirt. I will still donate to them because they do AMAZING things and I am not trying to discourage that but it is not the best fit for me. So please - if anyone is reading this and you pray, pray that something opens up for me!
Now the good news, this deployment is winding down. I know - he just left, I am lucky because my husband's job is one of shorter more frequent deployments. We still have a bit of time to go, I am not making welcome home cookies yet but I am starting to see the end off in the future. It is an amazing feeling, I just need his arms around me and that will let me know this is all going to be OK.
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