the cat is out of the bag!

Finally I no longer have to hide the fact that my sister is coming to visit! My BIL booked the flight this morning and told her after work. She kind of ruined it though...she saw that he spent $300 on something today and she automatically assumed that it was a plane ticket. She wasn't sure if she was coming here or if I was going there...she called me pretending to want to talk about how much I hate my period and how I think I should just adopt but she really wanted to fish info from me. I told her that I have no idea what the money went to and she should just ask him but she knew I knew. I didn't tell her that she was coming here, I had kept that secrete for 2 months I wasn't going to blow it with only 10 minutes to go.

She will be here on Friday the 13th and leave on the 18th. I haven't decided what we are going to do yet I just hope the weather cooperates with us, I really want her to see how beautiful Mt. Rainier is. I really can't believe I have gone almost 2 years without seeing my sister. It's a bit insane.

Anyway, so that is that. In other news, I can't believe I missed my blog-aversary! Feb 18th marked one year since I stated blogging and I just let it come and go like nothing. If ever there was a reason to eat cake, and I missed it. Oh well, next year I guess.

so from the east coast

That is what my coworker just said anyway. A few of my friends here are going to grab lunch and invited me along and I looked out the window at the rain pounding down and had to decline. I'm sorry, I am not a fan of running all over the place in this weather. OK, the real reason is that I don't want my head to frizz up! The curly hair curse hit me hard and I spent 30 minutes this morning styling my locks straight to perfection and I am not going to let a few thousand rain drops force me into a pony tail! I explained this to my coworker who then asked:

"well do you have an umbrella?"

"yes I do, but it's in my car..."

"You are so from the east coast!"

Damn right I am! And I don't want my east coast hair to look a mess.

Oh well - have I told you how much I hate the rain? The past few weeks of sunny 50 degree weather spoiled me, it made me forget that I actually do live in the worst possible part of the country! (exaggerating - kind of)

Perhaps when the sun comes back I will be able to join my colleagues for lunch but until then I am hunkering down at my desk with my cold lunch cursing the army...

having more fun

Last night I decided to do it, I am blond again! It's so nice but funny. Everyone back home knows me as a blond - I had blond hair growing up and I gave myself blond hair as a grown up. Right before we moved to Ft. Bragg I got rid of it. I didn't mind my natural hair color but it never felt right and when I started finding grays I had to make a decision, so blond it is!

It's not really the best picture but you get the idea. Now I just need everyone here to get over the change and accept me for who I really am! OK that is going a little to far but really, when she was drying it last night and I could see the blond coming through I felt like my old self again. Is it weird to identify with a hair color so much? I don't really care if it is...now if I could just get my old self's body back!

I am so frustrated, I have been working my ass off for the past few weeks, changing my eating habits mixing cardio and other forms of exercise and I really haven't lost any weight. I lost 2 whole pounds so I am at 147 now. I know it's a slow process but what more can I do? I get up at 5AM for strength training or yoga then it's off to work, I come home walk the dog hit the elliptical for 45 minutes then eat dinner, talk to DH if he's online then go to bed. I just want to see some results...I want my clothes to start falling off my body and my legs to stop jiggling...is that so much to ask? I have no choice but to keep on it, if I don't lose this weight before I get pregnant I don't think I ever will.

Oh and to make matters worse (but delicious) they are opening a Sonic in Puyallup this spring!

Change of Plans

How many times have I said that? Usually it's the army changing things up on us but not this time. We've decided to go for it, I am coming off my BC so when he comes home in May we can start trying. He is leaving for training in June so the odds are not in our favor but who knows...anything is possible!

getting out

Getting out of Washington that is! I can't really go into detail and it is still like a year out but we may be getting out of here way sooner than we thought. He would work for someone new and that would be a big step up for him, he would get more training and work with people more his age. The opportunity for PA school would still be there and that is the ultimate goal for us. I am so excited, today I was looking at houses to rent in the area where we would be and it's actually affordable. I would be a day's drive from my family too.

My first thought was that we would have to put our baby making on hold because if this works out it will be a move across the country with either a newborn or a very preggers me! My mom drove from southern CA to MA when she was 9 months pregnant with me and if she can do it, I can do it...I hope. So we decided that we have put that on hold long enough and we will deal with the move when the time comes.

But these are all ifs...if he goes there...if I get pregnant...if if if. I told him last night that it was all up to him, he knows I would love to be on the east coast again but I reminded him that I do have a nice little life here so if we decide to stay it will not be the end of the world either. Oh but I really really really want to go. I just dislike Washington, I want to be back east where people say what they mean and you don't have to feel bad about it. I want to be able to swim in the ocean on a hot summer day and not have to worry about hypothermia. I want to watch the Red Sox in real time and not on a delay because I am still at work when they start. I want to be able to call my family after dinner and chat which I can't do now because of the time difference. I want to love my life again.

I am praying super hard that it all works out for us.

He misses me

So I went yesterday without hearing a peep which is really not a big deal but it is a little scary. Then all day at work today I heard nothing so the crazy in me was on the lookout for a few dudes in Class As, obviously there was no one...anyway he called tonight and is just fine. A little bored, tired, hungry but fine. We had a nice long chat (well long in deployment terms = like 15 minutes). It was great, sometimes he calls and we have nothing to talk about but not tonight. He's making plans and that is exciting and it is really looking like he may get to go to that training I've been talking about for a year! Anyway, after we got off the phone I thought we were done but he wanted to talk to me more so he got on IM.

I really don't have much to talk about, that's why I've been neglecting my blog, I am pretty boring these days. I get up at 5 hope on the Wii Fit, take the dog out, get ready for work, go to work, come home, work out, make dinner, chat with DH, go to bed. And speaking of bed, I am heading there now...

it's getting harder

I have been in a bubble these last few weeks, perhaps I have been in denial or something. I am not really sure why but I've been in such high spirits without a care in the world. Of course I have missed DH but I haven't really been worried or sad. Anyone know how I can get back into that bubble?

Just looking at me you would have no idea that my husband is at war, sure I have his ring on a chain around my neck but that is it. I am always smiling and pleasant seemingly carefree. Those of you who have done it know, it's exhausting. By the end of the day I want to just pass out in bed. Over two weeks of this and it's catching up. I am worried and irritable. I don't want to deal with people and I really don't want to deal with stupid questions. I got a pedicure on Saturday and since it was Valentine's day the conversation turned to my husband and the fact that he is away and the stupid woman next to me must work for the DOD because she was certain hat this would be DH's last rotation because "our new president is pulling everyone out."

I shouldn't let it bother me but it does, why can't the public educate themselves? Yes we are pulling out of Iraq relatively soon but who says that is where he is? And if he is there who says he wont be deployed to Afghanistan next? Yea, there is a war there too idiot. And there are still several years before the Iraqi pull out. People take bits of what they hear and decide for themselves what it really means.

Ugh, I am in a mood.

in case you were wondering

I miss him.

That is all.

Feb 14th blah!

Valentines Day has never really been a big day for DH and me, this is our 4th as an old married couple but we've only spent one together. I sent him a box with all the Valentines stuff and I think I upset him, he seemed concerned when he said "I thought we weren't doing Valentines Day." I told him not to worry because I am not expecting or wanting anything. I told him a little while ago that he bought me a pedicure :).

Tonight I am meeting up with other wives from the unit for a V-Day potluck, I made my fab sugar cookie apple thing...just ask Anonymous , she's had it and it's amazing! I really should be taking a little nap right now before I go... Anyway, making anything in the kitchen is always a hoot, the critters both sit right outside and watch, waiting for something to hit the floor so they can feast! What I wont tell the girls is that the cat was helping herself to the crunchy topping while I had my back turned...oops!

Not to much else is going on here - ohhhhhh wait on minute! How did I forget this? I plucked out several gray EYEBROW hairs today! WTF?! I am only 28! I am totally blaming this one on the army and all that stress. But it made up my mind for me, I am defiantly getting blond highlights again. They will help hide the grays on my head...as for my eyebrows who the hell knows.

And finally, had my dear friend Jenny not passed away our sophomore year of high school she would be turning 28 today. I think about her every day of my life but today she's been on my mind even more. I really hope they find a cure for cancer in my lifetime, it has taken to many amazing people from my life. I miss you Jenny!

on a lighter note

I stand corrected, that Wii Fit it no joke! I am a big fan, it keeps me motivated and excited oh and if you do it right it will kick you ass!

Oh and big milestone, after 3 months of being a loser I am finally able to do 45 minutes of cardio. I've only been working out for 3 days but I already feel better, I hope to see some results sooner than later :)

FYI, I am at the heaviest I have ever been in my life and I hate it...Monday I weighed in at 149, at 5'7" I am still in a health BMI but really, 149 is just not acceptable for me.

What's Next?

I keep up with several blogs, one of which is Learning to Live written by an amazing woman who lost her husband in Iraq. I am thankful that she is willing to share parts of her life with her readers - her strength is something to be admired. Today's entry got my blood boiling, not because anything she said but because of the article she referenced.

I am dumbfounded by this.

"At least two Democratic senators have called on President Barack Obama to let news photographers attend ceremonies at Dover Air Force Base in Delaware and other military facilities when military remains are returned to the United States."

Why is this necessary? In her blog post Heidi stated that family was not even allowed to be at Dover when the remains arrived. I understand that in this day people feel that they should have the right to see everything, most of our TV programing is "reality" TV so I guess it is just expected that everyone's life and death should be on display.

Yes they are saying that they would not identify who was in the coffins but does that make it right? And families would have the choice to decided if the press should be allowed to photograph the coffins? You have just received word that the love of your life has been killed and along with the mountains of paperwork and planning you need to do you also need to decide this now? It is just too much.

"A University of Delaware professor who unsuccessfully sued to force the government to release pictures of flag-draped coffins returning home said taxpayers should see the cost of war."

People want to see the cost of war? Here, go here. I visit this site daily because I like to at least read the names of the fallen. I like to pay my respects in my own way. I like to let them know that while the news is more focused on who's watching Britney's babies there is at least one person who will acknowledge their sacrifice.

If something were to happen to DH and he was one of those unidentified coffins photographed I would not be OK. I would not want his death to turn into protest material...but that is an entirely different side of this that I will not get into.

no empty bed for me

DH has always wanted the pooch to sleep with us, I don't know why he's almost 70lbs and we have a queen bed, that plus the cat has always slept with me. The first few nights DH was gone my wonderful watch dog jumped on my bed but decided that he would rather bark at every car that passed by my first floor apartment than sleep - I love him for it but barking is not very conducive to sleeping so he had to go. On Friday night he decided that he was going to give it another shot so he hopped into bed with the cat and me as I was passing out from an exhaustive week of being happy. When I woke up I was shocked to see that both he and the cat, his supposed sworn enemy, were laying next to each other on my bed! I wish I had taken a picture of it.

I know I shouldn't make a habit of this, it is going to blur the lines between equal and disciplinarian in his eyes but it's so much nicer than having that big bed for just me and the cat. DH obviously thinks it's very funny. It's nice that he is so protective of me but I would hate for him to turn on DH when he gets home and wants to take his place back.

So that is how exciting my life is, I am sharing my bed with a dog.

I hate to admit that the happy-to-be-alone phase is on it's last leg and I find myself missing him more and more. My husband is my world, he's my stability, he's my constant because he is who he is no matter what the situation. I miss that. Our communication has been great, I've spoken/IMed with him every day, I have no idea how people did this before the Internet!!

Tonight I start my workout routine, I hope to get in at least 4 45 minute cardio sessions this week as well as figuring out my Wii Fit (I am using that solely as a supplement, I am not convinced that a video game is going to do much). Hopefully but the end of the month I will have over 10 hours of cardio under my belt and be well on my way to future MILF status.

yawn

I was out until past 2 last night! I heard them announce last call...wow! I am pretty tired today but I was able to get everything on my to do list done. I met some wives from DH's unit and they were great, I almost canceled and I am so glad I didn't. We ate at a kinda crappy "Mexican" place but they have margaritas so all was good. Then we went to went to another bar with micro brews and karaoke...good times.

Now for the reason I was going to cancel, I had yet MORE dental work yesterday. This was to be no big deal, people get fillings everyday without incident but not me. All day my face was swollen and sore and even after the Novocain wore off which I knew was not normal (I had a filling when I was 12 haha). I woke up today to discover that my cheek is bruised!! WTF. I am guessing it was a reaction to the Novocain because the dentist was nowhere near my cheek. Good thing DH is gone because if this bruise gets any bigger people would have questions.

As far as DH being gone, I have been doing so well with it but I didn't realize until Friday night how much energy that takes...I feel asleep while playing Wii. Today I was having a sad me moment and I am doing my best to snap out of it...hopefully he will hop on IM tonight and all will be right with the world.

seeing red

Well I hope to be seeing red today as it is National Wear Red Day to show support to woman's heart disease awareness. It comes at the perfect time for me because this weekend I am reclaiming my spare bedroom as my gym. Last deployment I did a great job of organizing and cleaning but as soon as he came back it once again fell victim of neglect. There is a lot of gear that I am not sure what I am going to do with...but I will find a place because I need a peaceful space that I will want to go to at 5AM to work out my frustrations.

I am excited to get back into shape, I could stand to lose a good 15lbs (20 if I want to be down to where i was at my fittest but I am not 19 anymore). I am excited to make changes to my eating habits as well lunch will no longer be grilled cheese but a fruit and yogurt parfait which is sooo good and filing. If I feel I need something hot I will have a cup of green tea. I also need to hit the commissary to stock up on chicken and turkey, there are so many things you can do with those...yum! I can't wait to feel good about my body again but this time it a little more than that. This time I am also getting myself ready to carry a child! I want that baby to have the best head start in life and that starts with me being healthy from conception.

Heart disease is something that has touched my family, my paternal grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack in his early 50's. One minute he was there, the next he wasn't. It was before I was born, I never got to meet him. My dad struggled with his cholesterol as well, I always that that would be what did him in until he was diagnosed with cancer. My paternal grandmother is 85 and she has been taking medication for her cholesterol for as long as I can remember too. She is an active woman - always has been, I guess being French Canadian my family had a few to many Shepard's pies!

It is so important for us to take care of ourselves and to make it a priority. Last time I was more focused on looking good for DH's homecoming and I did that, I looked great but afterward I let it go. This time it's not to look good for just one day, it's to feel good for the rest of my life. I need to remind myself of that so I don't let myself go again.

Oh and I want to look good next my my soldier...

Love Box

I love having blog titles that are double entendrses, it helps the 12 year old in me live a little.

I sent off DH's first care package today, I don't know if it will be there in time for Valentine's Day but that is the theme. We aren't really people who celebrate Valentine's Day but it is so hard to come up with care package ideas I figured why not? So he's got his heart shaped box of peanut butter cups, some yummy flavored Tootsie rolls (I bought a bag for myself too - I don't care what my dentist says, TMJ or not I love Tootsie rolls!), Jelly Bellies, sour patch kids, a reading light that can clip to his book and some other junk. He asked me to send him a notebook and to be funny he asked for a Trapper Keeper, well I couldn't find a trapper keeper so I sent him a folder with a horse on it :) Then last night I baked some heart shaped sugar cookies...next time I want to use a cookie cutter I am soooo refrigerating the cookie dough, that was such a pain! But I put the cookies in little bags with hearts on them....he's going to hate it! On top of everything I dumped some stupid hearts that will go everywhere when he takes stuff out of the box and it is all hidden under some heart tissue paper. Oh and I sent him beef jerky because he loves that stuff and it's packed with protein.

I have no idea what I am doing for his next box but I better think fast because I forgot to include one of his requests - baby wipes so he can take a poor man's shower on the go. I think the next one will have all the chocolate from where I work...I need to send that before it starts to get to warm.

Last time DH was gone I never really had any issues with the packages and I never put a return label on a box because the customs label has your address and there is really only a few reasons why your package will return to you and if either of those things happen I will not want that box of junk! I am not sure if I have talked about this before but I have a friend who's husband was killed in Iraq a few days after she sent a care package, a month later while I was in GA visiting her the mail man came to the door and handed the box to me. I immediately started to cry when and I said "do you know what this is" and he didn't answer. When my friend woke up she had me hide it in the attic. That is why packages come back. Every time I am asked to put my return address on the box it feels like I am being taunted - like the post man knows something I don't know. I know he is just doing his job but at the same time I want to hit him.

The post office isn't the only place that does this. We bank with a military only bank which is great, they really understand the needs of military families which makes life so much easier. I called to change DH's car insurance they asked me if I wanted to add extra life insurance on him. It is a smart thing to do, as it stands now if something were to happen I would get $500,000 total which is a lot of money but if we owned a house and/or had kids it wouldn't be enough. This time the person I spoke to was a little more tactful than last deployment, he let me know that if DH is injured over there it may be harder for him to get life insurance afterward...that I can appreciate but last year it was just, "would you like to add extra life insurance in case something happen?" Either way I declined, it is something DH and I will talk about when he gets home.

wedding bells

Not for me of course, i am already happily married but my old roommate from college is finally engaged! I am very excited for her, I think she is going to be very happy. As soon as I heard the news I was very excited and then my next thought was "god I hope she doesn't ask me to be in the wedding." How bad is that? I think she knows that I am done with weddings, I have been a bridesmaid/matron of honor 4 times and that is enough. I have a pretty good out if she asks, I live 3000 miles away and since we are planning a baby in 2010 I can't really make that commitment. It's pretty self absorbed of me to just assume she will ask but we are really good friends.

This brings me to my next point, weddings. I love going to weddings, I love the wedding shows on TV, I love the flowers and the dresses but at the same time I just don't get it. Why do people spend years and tens of thousands of dollars on just one day when it's every day after that one that really matters? And what is the deal with bridesmaid dresses? Who decided that everyone had to wear the exact same thing? Sure it's cute when it's a bunch of 24 year olds but a bunch of 30 year olds all dressed alike is just plain sad.

To each his own but I remember who annoying it was to listen to brides complain about the planning process or some small detail that no one would even remember the next day. I planned my wedding in a month and it was beautiful and just because I didn't rent out the Hilton it doesn't make me any less married than then next bride.

OK, that was a fun little rant! Anyway, I have heard from DH a few times a day for the past 3 days and he sounds so good. His spirits seem high and he's finally getting to know the guys he was sent over with. I miss him like crazy but I have been doing a great job holding down the fort...next week I start to get back into shape and I can't wait!!

here we go again

This past week has been crazy. I am so glad I took time off from work to hang out with DH, it was exactly what we needed. We ran some errands and got things ready for life on my own here which included my power of attorney (POA) and buying me a Wii. The POA is something that I always have but the Wii, that was my once a year moment of impulse. We bought one in early 2007 but at the time I was not working and he was a pay grade lower and when he decided that he wanted the xBox 360 I sold the Wii. He was upset but I could not justify collecting unemployment while having $1000 worth of gaming equipment in our home! Anyway, we went to Game Stop to trade in all the games that he won't want to play when he gets home and after it was all tallied I realized a Wii would only cost $60, so I bought it. I am excited, it will help pass the time while he's gone and my sister has one so she just needs to get Mario Cart and we can play online together.

Other than that we mostly just hung out together and joked around. Had some drinks one night and then then night before he left he had quite a few drinks. I was a little annoyed but I got over it, he was having fun with his xBox friends and I was playing Wii (yes we moved the bedroom TV into the living room so we could hang out...) That night it really hit me, I was trying to hold it together in front of him so I took a bubble bath and cried my eyes out in there. And then when he handed me his wedding ring there was another round of tears. (Many of the guys wear their rings, DH does not because it gets in the way if he needs to stick his hand in someone so I like to keep it safe with me.)

On the day he left he started to call his family to let them know he was taking off. With each phone call I broke down more and more, he was good about letting me cry. We had all day before he had to go, I think I liked it better when he left in the AM because we didn't have to stare at the clock. I drove him on post, I walked in with him as he changed into his uniform and then he walked me to my car, handed my his clothes gave me a hug and a kiss and that was it. He went back inside, I sobbed in my car for a bit and I drove home.

Saying goodbye was so much harder this time. We had found a rhythm with each other. Since his last deployment so much has changed. We have gone through things that have brought us so much closer and made our love so much deeper. Saying goodbye was harder because I love him even more than last time and next time I will love him more than I do now.

Saying goodbye was hard but settling in seems to be easier. I know what I need to do to make this time apart go quickly. I know what to expect. I am hoping for fewer meltdowns and more positive lifestyle changes this time around. He got on IM last night for the first time and he said "we're back to this again" and that was a bummer but we've done it before, we can do it again.