my weekend as a jet setter

I arrived blurry eyed and exhausted at 1AM this morning.  My travel day started 16 hours earlier when I was dropped off at the train station in my Massachusetts home town.  From there it was the commuter rail to South Station Boston to the sliver line that dropped me right at my terminal.  After some waiting I hoped on to my 6ish hour flight then had a 3 hour drive home from the airport.  It was all worth it to be able to wake up with my little ladies this morning.

The trip was a big success for both the girls and myself.  They had a blast with Doc and I didn't even cry when I left on Thursday!  We were able to skype several times and their moods were usually really good.  On Sunday TC was giving me hugs by hugging the computer and sharing her friend fries with me.  It was adorable.  Addie was a little confused by it all, as a 19 month old would be, but she was happy to see me.

Pay no attention to the mess behind them!

The trip it self was pretty great.  I wanted to go to the beach on Friday but the weather was crappy so my sister and I just hung out all day.  That evening we met up with my best friends from college in Providence and had some drinks.  It is so amazing with these women, I never feel unsure of myself or out of place like I do with the spouses who live here in Arizona.  It has been years but when we sat down and it felt like just yesterday.

My college roommates

Obviously this is my sister, we look exactly alike!

Saturday was the O.A.R. concert so I spent the day with my BFF Jillian, she moved away to NC and just recently moved back to Massachusetts so it works out really well.  But, since she was gone the few times I have been home I haven't seen her.  It had been 6 years!  That is just pure craziness to me.  We spent the day at her pool then drove into Boston early for dinner and drinks.  We had a blast at the show, the band gave me great seats.  Again, it was like we hadn't spent any time apart.

This is the best place to see a show, right on the water!

The band, doing their thing.

Sunday we had a small family BBQ at my brothers where I got to see all the siblings I grew up with in the same place for the first time in 6 years.  We are quite and interesting bunch to say the least but there is always something to talk about.

The crew: step, half, whole - we are siblings through love! With my stepmother and her mother.

Monday I went to the local park/zoo with my niece and nephew before starting my journey home.  I am so glad I did this.  I knew I would be, the hardest part was just taking that first step out the door.

The best part of everything is that we will be home for good by the end of October!  More on that in the next few days.


♥ - Amber

Home

If is amazing to be home, very strange that I don't have my kids but I'm enjoying myself.  The girls are ally doing well with Doc which allows me to just relax. 

I've spent time with people I love and people who love me. It is amazing that I can sit down with these woman after so many years and it is like nothing passed.  

panic is setting in

In about 48 hours I will be hopping in the car, driving 3 hours to the airport then flying for 6 hours - all alone.  What was I thinking?  Leaving my kids?!  I know they will be fine but I still worry.  I have been their caretaker since day one, sure Doc has been on his own many many times but never like this. 

I am not even excited for my trip right now, I am just a ball of anxiety.  I hope it passes once I land in Boston.  I haven't told TC yet, I will wait until Thursday before I go.  Addie just wont get it, I hope she doesn't feel like I abandoned her. 

I know it will be fine, I will return and after a day or so it will be like I never left but - I DON'T WANT TO GO!!!

♥ - Amber

splash park fun

Usually our trips to the splash park consist of TC playing and having fun, Addie being afraid of the water and climbing on the tables and me and Doc watching.  It's not very fun for us.  Our splash pad here on post is pretty small and it's right across the street from our house.  I've seen other moms over there in their bathing suits getting some sun or playing in the water with their kids, really just enjoying it.  I never thought I could be that mom, comfortable enough with myself to wear my bathing suit for all of post to see.  Some of the moms are slimmer than me, by a lot and some are not at all - no matter what their size they owned it and went on with life.

When I told Doc that I planned on wearing my bathing suit over there today he laughed at me, "you're going to be one of those moms?".  He really didn't like the idea, I am not sure why but he just didn't.  When we got there I left my shorts and tank top on but decided to lose the tank top, before I knew it I was running in and out of everything getting soaked.  I spent most of the time pulling at my heavy wet shorts, so I lost those too.  Doc gave me an "are you serious" look.  I was.

There I was, running around in circles around the splash pad, paying more attention to my daughter and having fun with her than I was to how I might look to cars driving by.  This wasn't because I think I am super skinny or am ever at my goal weight but from the confidence I've gained by taking better care of myself these past few months.  This is why I am doing it, to be able to really jump in with my kids - create memories and be an active participant not just a bystander. 

♥ - Amber

letters to my daughters

 
I wrote my girls letters last night, I have a notebook for each of them and it's an incredible feeling to be able to "talk" to them as grown women.  I haven't decided when I will give them these notebooks, I have a feeling I will just know when the time is right.  They would make a great wedding gifts but who knows, marriage might not be their chosen path.  I just hope they can make our my chicken scratch enough to see how much I love them, how much I enjoy being their mother.

Yesterday was kind of a banner day in the Random household for this momma.  TC walked up to me and told me that she thinks I am beautiful.  This is the first time she has said this to me, I was unshowered in my PJs.  Even as I grow old and droopy and my looks fade to nothing I pray she still finds my soul beautiful.  I went into a bunch of this with her in her letter, in a way that she will understand when she is grown.

Addie, my little rock star, peed on the potty for the first time last night!  Apparently she did it again this morning.  In her letter I just told her how fun she is, the joy she gives me with her silly faces and twerk-like dance moves.

Because I am crazy and riddled with anxiety each time I write a letter in the notebooks I picture them reading it after I have passed.  My biggest fear (after the obvious and unthinkable fear of losing one of them) is leaving them motherless.  Losing a parent is gut-wrenching and doing it at a young age leaves so many unanswered questions.  I may go months between letters to my girls in these notebooks or I may write two in one week but each time I do I sleep a little better that night knowing that no matter what, they will know just how much joy they brought me that day.

♥ - Amber

my taking care of myself update

Start: 152lbs
Current: 143lbs
Goal: 135 (this may change...)

I started to really pay attention to my food and getting off my lazy ass on June 5th.  By July 5th I was down 7lbs and today I am down 9.  It does feel good, I can see the changes as can Doc.  While I am glad to be way out of the DD club I am also back to my flat non butt.  Oh well, I will take what I can get. 

I am not where I want to be yet but I am getting there.  Here are the pictures I posted last month compared to where I was a few days ago.

 

Seriously, this bathing suit top is way too big.

And in my daily uniform.

I did get a little discouraged today thinking about how far I still have to go.  Currently I'm 143 (5'7") but looked back at my little blog here are realized that I am still 10lbs away from where I was when Doc came home from his first deployment.  5 years and 2 kids later I feel like I might never get there and honestly, that makes me want cake! 

So that is it so far.  I really need to work on toning now, I am still working on my arms but am too lazy for squats and crunches.  Maybe tomorrow....

♥ - Amber

the numbers are in

Today, out of nowhere, we received Doc's initial ratings for his injuries.  The Army is saying 70% and the VA is saying 90%.  I can live with 90% but 70% is just insulting.  Looking at what they rated and what they didn't makes me so angry.  I wont get into all the details right now, maybe when we have our final agreed upon numbers.  Maybe, these are Doc's medical records so I am not sure that I am going to put it all out there for the world to see.

But I can say that it is such a relief to know that we are not just stuck in quicksand over here.  When he got the phone call he looked at me and gave me the "this is it" look and I followed him into the kitchen and watched as he talked.

I can't even describe my emotions today.  I was so happy that this day finally arrived, we've been waiting for so long.  I was devastated that this is happening at all, my soldier who was on track to try out for DELTA was being told just how broken he is.  I has stung, while researching the paperwork I had to read those horrible words "not fit for duty" over and over again.  I was ecstatic making plans to move home, to be home by Christmas! (fingers crossed)

Tomorrow he will go over everything with our family member who has some high ranking roll in the VA back home.  He will help us understand exactly what we are reading and what we should do from here.

November 16th this all started.  We've been working towards this day since then.  Here we are, I honestly don't know how I feel, I know that I sure will miss the sound of low flying helicopters.

♥ - Amber

I've become "that mom"

I am so nervous about leaving my girls.  By now I know that Doc will be fine caring for them, he's been doing a great job waking up in the mornings and not sleeping all day so that is one less worry for me.  My real worry is them feeling like I left them.  Addie has fits 5 of of 7 times that I leave the room!  I know, for that reason, it's really good that I am doing this.  I truly believe that kids need to spend time away from their mothers, unfortunately in our current situation that doesn't happen.

I have not been away from my kids - ever.  Sure I trip to Target here and there but nothing real.

Sick isn't it?  Doc and I haven't even been on a date since TC was born... three and a half years ago!  A big part of that is TBI related and there is also the issue of not having babysitters but still, it sucks.

I don't really know when to tell them that I am going to be away for 4 days, Doc told TC a few weeks ago and she freaked out but has seemed to have forgotten all about it.  When Doc leaves I'm a fricken rock star - I know just what they need to make them feel better, and Doc leaves much more often than I do so it's not a big shock when that happens.  I leave 2 weeks from tomorrow, I have no idea when to tell them (well, TC - Addie is 18 months, she wont get it).

The other big fear is what is something happens to me.  A plane crash, a shark attack, I choke on my Pappa Gino's pizza...something could happen.  I know it's crazy but I have anxiety so telling myself not to worry is like telling the rain not to fall.  I will write them special letters in the journals I have for them before I go, it never hurts to tell them that you love them.  I will also have my iPad so I can facetime with them too but it's not the same as tucking them into bed. 

I can't believe I am not going to squeeze their little cheeks for 4 whole days!

♥ - Amber

gut check

Even when things are going well there are moments.  I have waited a few days to post about this because I didn't want to be emotional about it.  I know there are other TBI wives/families who read this so I feel like it's my duty to tell our whole story, even when it's ugly.

I don't know if I shared that Doc had finally quit tobacco.  He started with the tobacco pouches after his injury because they were the only thing that helped with his headaches.  He was never a tobacco user in the past even though everyone around him was.  I was never alright with any tobacco in our home but it helped him so what could I say?  After a while the packets weren't enough to he started with the loose tobacco which I hated because some of it always ended up on the floor.  It started to bother his lip and he knew how I felt about it so he quit.  It took him several tries and about ten new pounds around his waist but he quit.  I was so proud of him for it, I knew it wasn't easy but he did it for himself and for our family.

I mentioned last week that he went out to the hobby shop and tried to meet new people, well I guess it was harder for him than he let on because he bought a can a dip to help him relax.  I had no idea about any of this until one night last week when he thought I was in the tub and I caught him packing his lip.  I was heartbroken.  It was as if someone punched me right in the gut.

I stood there like an idiot then I cried.  I couldn't believe that after all the work he put into quitting he would just start back up again.  And what's worse, hide it from me.  I felt like he didn't love us enough to try to keep himself healthy.  He knows that I still have a lot of anger at my father for not taking care of himself, smoking and being overweight, which caused him to die at 49.  I explained to Doc why I was so upset, there are so many issues with his health that we have no control over, but not getting cancer from tobacco is totally within our control.

When I was finally about to reign in my emotions I wasn't mad at him, I didn't want to yell or fight with him.  I was disappointed in him.  He had broken my heart.  After all we have been through he has never really disappointed me and I would have bet money that as long as he was alive he would never break my heart.  But he did.

That night he tossed out the dip he had left and told me that he would stop, for good this time.  He must not have known just how bad this would hurt me.  He would never do anything to purposely make me cry.  I am trying very hard to believe that he has stopped, we have always had trust in our relationship, about everything.  Now I find myself wanting to check the receipt from his run to the gas station from earlier today, it's not normal that he volunteers to run out to grab Red Bulls...

♥ - Amber