dear doc

I love you to pieces, I really do.  Even when you are being deliberately annoying because you think it's funny or are using my legs to warm your cold feet.  You make me laugh on the reg and that has always been a requirement for anyone lucky enough to marry me. 

There is something that drives me nuts and I've made a decision that you're not going to like. 

I know that this big sectional looks like a great place to nap and in theory it is, however it's also located in the "hub" of our home.  This is where TC plays, Little A hangs out, my computer and the TV are so napping here isn't the best idea.  I know, I know your head hurts and you need to sleep.  I am not telling you that you can't nap, I'm all for it but from now on I'm no longer protecting you from the elements of this room. 

If I can see you then you are part of the day's activities.  I don't care if you're in a deep sleep - you're on the couch.  If one child is crying and the other needs a diaper change you are being woken up to help.  We have 2 kids and there are two of us, when they both need a bath we are both giving baths.  I know, it's hard - after all you did wake up every time Little A and I woke up last night...again I'm deeply sorry about that. 

We have a wonderful bed that is beyond comfotable and the best thing about it is that is resides at the back of the house behind a fully closing door.  If you feel the need to nap make it a real nap and go there.  This way I will know that you are unavailable - I'm on my own.  While it's more difficult it's not impossible, I do it all the time.  And it's a hell of a lot easier than doing it on my own while scowling at your back as you sleep on the couch. 

To summarize, if you sleep on the couch I will wake you up when you are needed, if you sleep in the bedroom you will be left alone, keep making me laugh but remember that I am not a foot warmer.

Love,
Your loving and patient wife

(and yes, I have actually told him too)

she's lucky she's cute

As I was finishing pumping TC told me she needed a new diaper.  I was excited I got a full 4oz to stash which is a lot since I haven't been pumping and only have 8oz in the freezer. 

After I changed TC's diaper I was in the bathroom dealing with it (cloth diapers, you don't want details I promise) and I come out to see her with my pump full of fresh liquid gold and she has it against her belly and smiles up at me excitedly, "milky!".  Luckily there are only 2 small vent holes on the top but she did manage to spill half an ounce. 

I seriously almost cried - pathetic but true.  Until I build up that freezer stash I am attached to Little A.  In WA I was just down the street from civilization so I could run out and chance it but here it's 30 minutes at least each way, there is no way I could go anywhere by myself. 

I am glad that TC is showing an interest in what I'm doing, it's much better than her just acting out because she knows I am doing something for the baby.  Yesterday she even tried to wear my BabyHawk (linked for people who don't know what I'm talking about not because they are paying me) for her baby doll, obviously it was too big so I gave her the doll carrier she got for Christmas.  She was one happy little momma.

 

Today little A is six weeks old, I hope that I am finding my groove as a mother of 2.  TC still cries when I leave and gets stupid excited when I come home so I would say that I am still doing alright in her book and that's really all that matters.  

I still like her too but she had better stop spilling my milk!

so much to learn

Doc is really bad right now, he screamed at TC earlier - really screamed at her bad enough that I felt like I needed to hold her for a while after.  It wasn't him, it was the injury and it really sucks.  I was feeling bad for myself and the situation then I watched this video from the local news back home.  This is my college roommate (the one who dated the lax player who introduced us to the band O.A.R. so I owe her a lot) and her son Brandon. 


(sorry I can't embed it but click and go watch)

Family smiles in the face of adversity: wpri.com

She has such a positive outlook on things, she always has.  I don't know what I would have done without her in my life, she helped me through so many things she came into my life just as I lost my dad.

I have never once heard her complain about the limitations in her life.  There are many things you give up on when your husband is confined to a wheelchair.  Although no one would judge her for it she never complains about what she has to go without, she focuses on all the amazing things her husband has brought into her life.  Then when Brandon was born, after the diagnosis and the dust had settled it was always a focus on what Brandon can do (and the main thing is smile, he has the most amazing smile).  She has dedicated her life to making sure his is as fulfilling as it can be.  I want to be like that.

I spend so much time and energy thinking about what life should be like and not what it is.  I wish I could focus on all that is good, Doc's got a pretty amazing smile too.  But no, I focus on the crap.  While I know I'm allowed to hate the situation I shouldn't let it beat me.

This is what I need to focus on - Doc & Addie this afternoon

I think we could all learn something from Jenn, I know I am so blessed to have her in my life.

quick hi

I had a whole blog in my head but then this happened.

Sorry about the creepy face.  We will be back to our regular programing soon.

how I met your father

I love the show How I Met Your Mother, Doc is less of a fan because Ted is such a douche.  I hope no father feels the need to tell his teenagers about the random sex he had before he met their mother but other than that I love the idea of the show.  Today I was wondering how I would tell the story to my girls, how far back would I go?  I am not sure if I've ever really shared the whole story here, the truth is that it's kind of embarrassing.

I think I would have to start my sophomore year in college, spring semester.  That was 2001, I met Doc in 2005 but that semester I met the girl who would be my roommate the next year.  It was this roommate who met the boy on the lacrosse team who was going to see a band we had never heard of.  I am sure I have enough stories to have an entertaining sitcom, it might have to be on HBO though.  Anyway, we all went out and saw O.A.R. and I was hooked.  I could go on and on about how the band and their music and how it intertwined with my life up until I finally met Doc.

Fast forward to the summer of 2005, I'm on the O.A.R. email list and they send one out directing everyone to their MySpace page to hear their newest single.  I went and thought MySpace seemed kind of fun, I hadn't heard of it.  I signed up.  A few weeks later I was looking for old friends, I searched by zip code and I saw this face:

I thought he was cute and I had had a few drinks so I clicked.  His headline (remember those on MySpace) was a line from my favorite O.A.R. song Hey Girl.  "In my mind I miss you at night when you're not here."  I decided to send him a message, I was the girl who would walk right up to the hottest guy at the bar and pick him up but for some reason sending a message to some guy on the internet seemed very weird.  All I said was "That's my favorite O.A.R. song" and we went from there.

I guess O.A.R. would be our equivalent of the yellow umbrella (if you watch How I Met Your Mother you know what I'm talking about).  I still love the band, Doc and I saw them right before he left for his second deployment.  If you haven't heard them you should check them out here or better yet see them live - I've done that like 17 times and can't wait to see them again. 

Caution, one long sentence ahead:

Had I not spoken up and met my roommate (me to the random girl "you need a roommate for next year? me too") and she hadn't had that fling with the lax player who told us about the show in Providence I would have never gotten obsessed with O.A.R. and wouldn't have gotten the email that lead me to find MySpace at that particular time and I may not have seen Doc's picture and defiantly would not have known what his headline was from and probably would have never met him.

So there it is.  How I met my kids' father minus all of the side stories.  It all comes down to a band, I just happened to discover while in college.

here's the skinny

Of course I am going to write a post baby weight post, with TC it seems I was obsessed with my weight and it took forever to lose.  This time I am aware of it but it's not the center of my world and, don't hate me, but it's coming off much faster.

I am around 159 right now, that is 2lbs more than were I spent a majority of TC's first year but about 7lbs higher than my prepregnancy weight.  What I want is to be 140, at 5'7" that's a happy bikini weight.  I have no idea why it's easier this time, I know I've been eating better but that's just because I'm on a restricted diet for breastfeeding and I can't run out for fast food without committing to an hour on the road.  I don't really get bored with 2 kids so eating just to eat isn't happening.  I've only worked out 3 times but the best news is that I've been cleared to do whatever I want.

I hope to start running soon but not before I order this bad boys.

Zensah Calf/Shin Splint Compression Sleeve I have no idea they will work to keep my shin splints from returning but I will try anything, I want to run!  I've read good reviews for these so here's hoping.  (I haven't been compensated for talking about these things but if someone wants to send me some for free shoot me an email and I'll give you my address. ha!)  I can't wait to start running, even the short distances I go leaves me feeling accomplished and I have never had a better workout. 

As far as clothes fitting, it's hit or miss.  I still have a pretty nice pooch and there is a fat filled spare tire hanging out on my hips and belly but I can wear my jeans I just need a baggy top to hide that hot mess.  I've also been wearing a lot of skirts, the warm Arizona winter allows for that but I have to tell you, it feels weird to have bare legs and flip flops in January.  Today I did something nice for myself, which I never do, I bought a new pair of jeans.

The sizing is way off, talk about a blow to the ego!  I took off a pair of old navy size 8 jeans and had to buy these in a size 12.  But they fit (well the spare tire is still there but I'm not planning on buying new jeans with every pound I lose) so it doesn't matter what the tag says.  But if you do buy these at Old Navy just know that you're not a porker these just run really small.  Doc thinks they are ridiculous, he asked me who I was taking to homecoming.  I always said I wouldn't buy holy jeans but what can you do?  I really wanted them because they are lose fitting and that will be nice on hot afternoons.

This is all just a bunch of random crap, but thanks for making it to the end.  I guess the bottom line is that I'm glad that I am not self hating like I was after I had TC.  I hope that I'm able keep losing, 19lbs sounds like a lot but it's just the goal - there is no drop dead date.

it's really all you huh?

"It's really all you isn't it?  You have to be ready at any moment?"

This is Doc's realization yesterday, and yes this is our second child. 

It came about when I was trying to get things done so I could have a few moments to do what I wanted after TC went to bed.  I had Little A on the boppy nursing and I was using my free hands to stuff the inserts into TC's cloth diapers.  (I felt like quite the crunchy mom at that moment too.)  I looked at him, exhausted and said "yea, but I wouldn't have it any other way".

Much like most of my first pregnancy Doc missed this a good portion of the newborn phase with TC.  He was home for the first 2 weeks, you know the eat- poop- sleep-repeat-every-three-hours time.  By the time she was a newborn who was having awake time and cranky time he was in WLC.  He was gone for about 19 hours a day and when he was home he was sleeping.  He was also just starting to show signs of his TBI so he doesn't remember much of this time.  He doesn't remember much at all about TC as a baby, it breaks my heart.  So this is the first time he's really seeing what it's like to have a newborn who is transitioning to an infant.  Little A's colic or whatever is going on with her is making it kind of a nightmare. 

Doc has been good about trying to let me get sleep, taking the baby in the morning so I can sleep in, the problem is that once I've done the 7AM feeding I'm kind of up and if I'm not I wake up to the sounds of TC playing.  Dealing with the past week of super fussiness and the past few nights of screaming from 9PM-1 (2...3)AM it's been all me.  Last night when she started up again it was all me, he took her for a bit but couldn't give her the attention she needed (burping, soothing, etc) because he was playing on his computer.  I grew more and more frustrated because I had things I needed to do before bed. I think he finally put two and two together (perhaps remembering what he said earlier) and told me to go to bed and he would deal with the baby and bring her in when she needed to eat.

It worked pretty well, I went to sleep for real around 1, he brought her in to me around 4 (they were in the living room), she ate and after about 45 minutes I was back to sleep.  She woke up around 7 to eat  as TC was waking up in her room.  So I fed the baby while listening to TC over the monitor talk to her stuffed animal.  I put the baby back down and went and started my day with TC.  Doc got a little extra sleep which is nice because he really needs it. 

I know this might all sound like regular husband/daddy stuff  but a TBI requires a lot of sleep and him sacrificing sleep really messes with him.  I think he is seeing the tipping point in our very near future, I can't keep going on 3 hours of sleep a night. 

He has his faults but he's a great dad, he loves all 3 of his girls and we really are blessed to have him.

Daddy and his "on leave" beard with TC, they were both so excited to have their picture taken :)

yawn

TC was such an easy baby, I knew we would be in for it with #2.  My poor little girl, last night was horrible, Little A seemed to be in so much pain and there was nothing I could do.  My milk was upsetting her stomach so it was a fight for her, she was hungry but her food was hurting her.  I have been cutting down on dairy but now I'm totally done for a bit to see if it helps. 

It starts around 9PM and keeps going until around 1AM, it started about a week ago with her being fussy and has finally gotten to screaming.  Around 10 last night I was searching for colic remedies, being 30+ minutes from town it's not like we could just run out and get gripe water or something else.  We just had to wait it out and I had to constantly nurse.  She was eating so slowly, and I can't blame her.

Sure I wish I was getting more sleep but mostly I feel bad for her, it's heartbreaking to know that you are the reason she's in pain.  I am really doing my best not to complain though, she's 4 weeks old and newborns aren't known for sleeping through the night. 

The other day I got my first smile.  I would stay up for a week just to see that smile. 

Tonight she gets her first taste of Patriots playoff football - perhaps I should make her some gear like I did for TC

vintage TC

So that's the latest from the desert.

kids, I have kidS!

Thanks for all of the input on my last post, we went to the market today to stock up on produce and spent $198!  Being healthy is expensive.  I feel bad that I am not going vegan with him but I just can't, that might make me seem like a bad wife but so be it.  I put up with enough to know that's not the case.

I'm still getting used to being responsible for one helpless child and now I have 2, it's crazy.  I still feel like a kid myself, and thinking about my parents feeling this way totally weirds me out.

Adjusting to life with two has been a bit of a challenge.  I'm perfecting my triage skills, Several times a day they both need something and choosing between the two is impossible.  I'm also becoming a pro at nursing while walking around, I haven't reached Michelle Duggar status but I can live with that.  TC is doing as well as can be expected.  She caught on early that I can't always hop up while I'm nursing so that's when she acts out the most.  I think I am going to teach her to nurse her babies so that we can just do it together.  Another thing that works well is having her grab a book to read while I nurse.  I get to do my 2 favorite things with my girls, I love nursing and I love reading with TC.

Since I am nursing I have to take the majority of newborn duties which means Doc spends even more time with TC.  The other day it really hit me, I miss her!  She's right there but I miss the time we spent together, I miss thinking of her as my baby, I miss seeing her as a small little thing.  I had a nice ugly cry about it.  I'm doing my best to keep the same rituals that we've always had.  We've always started the day with breakfast, she sits at the counter in the kitchen and eats while I empty the dishwasher (or some other chore).  These days it's mostly the same because Little A sleeps in (since she's up from 3-6AM) but somedays I have to hold or nurse the baby.  I still try to read as many stories as she wants during the day, to eat lunch together...I'm doing my best to make the transition smooth.  The problem arises when she acts out, she does it more so she get in trouble more.  So now she has less attention during the day and a good amount of that attention is negative.

She's finally showing interest in coloring so that is something new we can do together.  It's so fun.  I've also been able to take her across the street to the playground just me and her (if the baby needs to eat Doc can just call me and I can be right home).  Now that I'm not huge I can actually play on the playground with her.  Once I'm able to really start pumping we can make some real outings just the two of us.

I love having 2 kids, I am not at all complaining.  I can't wait for the day when they can actually interact.  Once Little A starts to smile TC will be able to make her smile which will be awesome.  TC loves to make her audience laugh. 

I'm too lazy to rotate it.

look how hairy her forehead is, just like TC.

Doc, the meat eating vegan

It seems like a lifetime ago that we were worried about Doc's MRI and I'm sorry that I never updated the situation.  The biggest fear was that the abnormality on his MRI was a calcified lymph node which could have been caused by a few cancers as well as other issues.  The good news is that it's not a lymph node, the bad news is that it's a blocked/dead vein clogged with cholesterol.   Yea, my 30 year old husband has a problem with cholesterol.

Cholesterol is a bitch, you can be the healthiest individual on the outside but on the inside you can be a total mess for no other reason than crappy genetics.  Now, that wasn't Doc's situation and we know that but before the accident he was a muscular guy, active, ate a decent diet - he checked all the healthy boxes.  After the accident he packed on 30lbs in a short time with the help of the 4700 prescriptions thrown at him.  I have no idea is the rapid weight gain made this issue worse but I can't imagine it helped. 

Since receiving this news Doc has been trying to change his eating habits.  He has been reading about food and what it really does to you.  One of the doctors he works with has seen great results by just going vegan, rapid results.  I'm a horrible wife but I'm not on board.  I don't like beans and veggies and tofu enough to make them my entire diet.  Hell I don't like tofu at all!  Not only does he want to go vegan but he also wants to go glutton free.  Basically all he can eat on this diet is dehydrated beans, tofu, and stuff that grows from the ground.  Doc's been doing a good job of making food that follows the rules and is eating by the rules about 50% of the time and in the past few weeks has dropped a good amount of weight.

To me it's crazy - I'm all about everything in moderation.  

The next step after he's lost a little more weight is a 10 day fast.  Yes fast, as in only water for 10 days.  They wants to put him on a quarters profile so he can do this.  Doc is a total diva when he's hungry - 10 days of water only, I don't think we will both survive. 

is it friday yet?

If you're following me on Twitter you know how frustrated I am with my FIL.  I knew that him being here for a month would be too long but we had no idea when the baby would come and I wanted to be sure TC was comfortable with him before we had to go to the hospital.  But man, a month is a long time.  At least now I am sure (as I would be Doc is as well) that I made the right choice by saying he can not live with us full time. 

He's not a bad guy, let me just say that to be sure that it's clear.  He's not - he really loves the girls and I'm glad they are having a chance to spend time with him (well TC anyway, Little A is a bump on a log).  My main thing is that he's a smoker, he's been smoking outside but he's still not following my rules.  I told him that I don't want any tops that he's worn smoking in the house.  He has a jacket he wears when he's smoking in the backyard but I had to tell him to zip it up and remind him to wash his hands.  When he goes out for a walk he smokes and then just wears whatever he had on while smoking in the house.  He's been here for a month, I can smell smoke in my house.  Once he's gone I will be shampooing the couches and fabreezing the crap out of everything. 

I know people think that the job of the grandparents is to spoil the kids but when you're spending a month with those grand kids the little bit of spoiling turns into spoiled.  He lets TC play with his iPod touch even though I asked him not to, she isn't allowed to play with our smartphones and it just confuses her.  He feeds her junk food all day long.  We aren't food crazy or anything, she gets some junk but the staples of her diet are fruits, veggies, and other yummy healthy options.  Just this morning he gave her a cookie at 11:15, way too close to lunch (and ask the parents if she can have a cookie).  When he was making a pie she saw the apples and wanted a few slices, he brought her over apples covered in sugar and cinnamon - she loves APPLES why give her that crap when she would have been over the moon with just apples (and that was 30 minutes before bedtime...fun).  Her digestive system has been messed up because of the junk and she's gained a pound.  Doc and I have been trying to get her back on track but it's not easy.  And he gives her whatever he's eating so she now thinks that everyone's plates are just a buffet for her. 

Today TC was eating her lunch and FIL was heading out to the bowling ally, as he does everyday to get some nasty mess for lunch and he asked if we wanted anything.  We didn't then he started talking to TC about french fries - she was not eating fries and we had no plans to give her any.  Of course she's not even 2 so she hears french fries and she thinks she's getting them.  She refused to eat her sandwich, I told him that he was confusing her as he left.  When he came home with his food he brought it into the living room where we all were and refused her fries.  Why would he do that?  He knows that she's going to want them and there are plenty of other places where he could have eaten them.  I just took her to the other room until he was done.

The other major issue is his eating, he did give us money for food which was nice and unnecessary but I didn't expect that he would eat everything!  When I was craving brown sugar I made coffee cake and told him to help himself, he ate 3/4 of it and I had to ask him to save some for the pregnant lady.  Then there was the pie, Doc was excited because his dad makes a mean apple pie, I made the crust for him and he made the rest.  Then next morning he have a "piece" which was 1/4 of the pie then directly after he had that one he had another 1/4 pie piece.  I had a small piece that night then he finished it, Doc didn't get any.  He also gorged on the lemon bars I made and our Christmas leftovers.  He said he hoped to lose weight while he was here since the weather is so nice, he does go for daily walks be he walks his fat ass over the the bowling ally/diner to eat bacon egg and cheese sandwiches or entire small pizzas.  The least he could do if he's going to eat everything I make as if no one else in the house matters is thank me for busting my ass in the kitchen.

He has done some things around the house that I appreciate but over all it's been a disaster.  It's to the point where when I see him I tense up and find an excuse to leave the room.  I can't wait to have my house back, and it will be nice to nurse in my own home without a cover...