tick tock tick tock

Waiting sucks no matter where you are but waiting in the desert has got to be the worst.  Nothing changes.  Doc started the medboard process in November and while it was a little chillier outside the view from my window has not changed a bit.  There are no seasons to take my mind off of things.  No rainy days to change things up a bit.  Nothing, each day runs into the next.  Nothing changes.

I've waited for other things before, for much longer.  They year after I was married to get to live with Doc, the 6 months to PCS down here to AZ.  I know all about waiting but that was nothing. 

Every day, sun and sand and nothing more.  Every day...waiting.  As far as any updates, we know nothing.  Not a damn thing.

♥ - Amber

it has to be done (hair donation)

My TC, she has always been know for her hair.  Her facebook debut as an hours old baby was flooded with "look at her hair!" comments.  Despite everyone telling me it would fall out within weeks it has been her trademark. 

TC's hair's debut.

It just kept growing and growing, I did trim it when she was 4 months old because homegirl was rocking a pretty serious mullet.  She had another little at home trim last year to clean it up but that is it. 

From the little fire cracker looking pigtails to the braids down her back everywhere she goes someone comments on her hair and even though I really can only take credit for the brushing I take great pride in it. 

The truth is, long hair on a three year old is a huge pain in the ass.  After a bath it takes 30 minutes to brush through and that's with leave in conditioner!  What 3 year old wants to sit to get her hair brushed for that long?  It constantly falls out the elastic bands and into her food.  Her latest habit is sucking on it - so gross!  Even with all of these things I have resisted the urge to cut it.  Until now, now it is so long that the pony tails are too heavy and they hurt her little head.

I have no choice.

I am so attached to her hair and she knows that it is something special too.  But if we're going to do it we're really going to do it.  I want to cut off enough to donate.  I know I am just being silly about her hair, it will grow back but if she can help out another little girl who's hair can't grown back it will just be amazing.  So now here is my question - Other than Locks of Love (I don't want to use them) what charities have you had experience with?  I want to send it somewhere that it will be used for children.

Thanks!

♥ - Amber

Mom level 60,047

I remember the days very well when dressing like my favorite girls looked like this.

These days it looks like this.

I'm a grown up. (And a dork.)

♥ - Amber

his PTSD and me

Doc is just fine around fireworks, gun shots, low flying aircraft, debris in the road - not a problem.  His issues are not what you think about when you think PTSD.  (And I am not saying one is worse than the other at all.)  Doc saw a lot of stuff that no one should have to see involving children.  I wont get into it but while he was able to save many of them there were countless that he could not.

That sticks with him.  I can't imagine the images he sees when he closes his eyes on a bad night.  My heart breaks for those poor souls who were used as shields, propaganda, or just cast aside but I can sleep at night because I didn't have to see it.  He did.

I can't even put into words how much my heart breaks for everyone in affected but the tornado yesterday.  I want to work through it.  I want to express my pain.  I want to ask out loud "why?".  I want to discuss all of my emotions, pain, confusion, anger with my husband but I can't.  I understand that he can't talk about it.  I get it, I do.  I wish I could unsee for him all that he has seen, undo all the wrong done to those children but I can't.  I also wish I could have a conversation about things like what happened yesterday, or in Boston, or in Connecticut.  I wish I could get it all out so I don't feel like I am carrying all of this sorrow in my gut.

It's an odd thing living with someone with PTSD.  Some times I can talk to him about things but most of the time I can't.  I wonder about what it will do to my mental state, if I may be so self centered.  I guess this is another reason I need to be home around my family.  I don't feel right call them up and just word vomiting everything that I've been carrying around, but when we are living close and see each other more it will be different.

Of course above all of this my heart is with everyone in Oklahoma and around the country touched by this.  Please keep the first responders in your thoughts - after all of this I am sure there are going to be many more families just like mine dealing with PTSD after seeing such horrifying images.

♥ - Amber

I believe in the power of prayer

Devastating doesn't begin to describe what is going on in the areas hit by recent tornadoes.  I can't imagine what these folks are going through.  One of these folks is a man I grew up with who is living in OKC, this is the status his mother posted on facebook, if you are the praying type please do so for this family and the many others in the same seemingly hopeless situation.

PRAYERS NEEDED!!! I just got off the phone with my son, Jay, who lives on the OK City/Moore line. He and Siobhan are both alright, but he is stuck in traffic trying to get to the kids. There have been 2 elementary schools hit. One of them, Jay assured me, is NOT the one my grandson Daniel attends, but since he called, they're reporting that another school was also hit and they are doing search & rescue at a 3rd grade, which is the grade he's in. Nathan, who is 22 months old, is in a daycare facility about a mile from their home, but there is no communication with downed towers, etc.. Hopefully, I will be hearing from Jay again soon to hear about the boys. This tornado was WORSE than the killer one that hit in the same area in 1999 two weeks before Jay & Siobhan got married. Her parents were there for that, and very traumatized, but survived. Let's hope that the boys are also. This tornado was over 2.25 miles wide and was on the ground for 49 minutes. If you go to the Weather Channel, you'll get a clearer idea. Please pray not only for my family (especially my grandsons), but for all those who have lost everything. Will try to keep all y'all updated. Thanks.

I will keep you updated when we hear more.

UPDATE 4:29 - He and his family are alright, please keep those who are not in your hearts. 

♥ - Amber

baby talk

Get out, we're reading!

Poor Doc, he really wants a third baby while I, on the other hand, ask him monthly to get a vasectomy.  As far as I am concerned it's so far off of my radar that I don't even feel the need to talk about it.  All other things aside, my last pregnancy was daily torture (of course it was worth it in the end because I had a beautiful baby...yea I know) and I am still dealing with issues that the pregnancy brought. 

I was sick all the time, I couldn't play with TC like I wanted then the depression set in - then the guilt.  It is the worst feeling in the world to feel depressed because you are pregnant, people are starting to talk about postpartum depression more and more but it seems that pregnancy depression is still taboo.  My hips and back were thrown out of alignment and towards the end every movement felt like someone was constantly stabbing me in the back (it's why I was induced a week early).  Because of this I can no longer run or work out really hard - I learned the hard way when I spent the better part of an afternoon on the kitchen floor in tears praying that the girls would nap until Doc came home. 

My body and my mind hate being pregnant.

But unfortunately that's not the whole story.  On top of all of those issues that many families deal with we have another major reason why us having another baby is just a bad idea - TBI.  Everything comes down to this damn TBI.  Do you know how frustrating it is to not be able to make your own decisions because of those three little letters?  The most frustrating part is that if he was getting treatment he wouldn't be such a bump on a log, he may be able to contribute and want to help with the two kids we do have.  He could be more hands on and I wouldn't have to feel like I am taking care of 3 kids.  But he's not getting any treatment and the longer we sit here waiting the older I get.  I still feel like a kid but the truth is that my clock is ticking away.

I tried so hard to convince Doc that we were good at two without bringing his injuries into it.  I don't want him to feel punished or guilty about things beyond his control.  He just wouldn't let me.  Apparently he feels like he has 50-50% (or in his head it seems like he thinks he has 51%) say about what I do to my body.  I know most people may think it's a 50-50 decision but we are not most people, I'm not a monster I am just realistic.  Perhaps if he did 50% of the work...but who knows.  He wouldn't listen to my first reasons and I had to bring the others up. 

I told him that maybe, after he's been in treatment and life seems easier maybe we can talk about it.  Maybe.  But honestly, I don't see that happening. Let's do some math shall we?  I will be 33 in August, if we get out of here in the fall I don't think he will be settled into a treatment schedule until the end of the year and then he will need some time to find what works and allow time for it to start making a difference.  So I will be at least 34, pushing 35...TC will be 5 and Addie 3, so 6 and 4 by the time said baby arrives.  Not ideal, for them of for me.  I don't know if you know this about me but while I love my kids, I don't love staying at home with them (I think that is a different post for a different day).

Doc said he will be extremely disappointed if we don't have another.  What am I supposed to do with that?  Is his disappointment more important that my physical and emotional state?  His final point was a valid one, we do make really beautiful babies.

♥ - Amber

Hello hello!

I bought my own URL and signed up with a hosting service but here I am, still.  It seems in the 3 years that I have been a stay at home mom I have gone from an internet marketer to someone who can't even more her own blog!  You guys I am a mess, I need to call customer service and have them walk me through the move I guess.  I was ready to do this all last week but life got in the way.

Some of you may remember that my niece lost her 2 day old baby in October 2011, she was delivered at 23 weeks and it was just horrible.  Well, she was expecting again and delivered at 26 weeks, luckily the baby girl is doing very well and as of right now things are looking good.  Last week there were a lot of nervous tears, phone calls between sisters and our family in Kentucky and moving my blog was just the last thing on my mind. 


This past weekend was pretty good.  Doc had told me that he thought about getting me some sort of mother's ring or necklace for mother's day but he wanted me to pick it out...I told him that isn't a gift it's just shopping.  We ended up getting me a bath caddy and bath pillow because I spend a lot of time in the tub.  He didn't pick it out himself but he was part of it.  Ever since the accident gifting has become a nightmare for him with massive anxiety and dread.  In our past life he loved going out and getting me little gifts and he could never wait to give it to me, as soon as it was bought he couldn't keep it to himself.

He wanted to let me sleep in on Sunday but to do that he would have to stay up all night (if he is woken up before his body is ready it's a total disaster) so I told him not to worry about it, I would rather him not sleep the day away.  I was up at 4:30 with a sick baby and almost made myself the breakfast he planned for me, I am glad I waited.  When he did wake up he made me breakfast and had TC come help him, or so I thought, he actually had her draw me a picture and made sure she said happy mother's day. 

My girls love playing with Photobooth on my Mac.

 It was prefect.  Maybe not everyone's version of perfection but this is our new perfection. 

♥ - Amber

Military Spouse Appreciation Day Link Up!

Wifey over at Wife of a Sailor is hosting a military spouse appreciation day link up which is really cool of her!  So if you are visiting from over there here is a little about me and my military spouse journey.

Home from his first deployment in 2008.

My name is Amber, I've been married to Doc for over 7 years.  We have 17 month daughter and a old and 3 year old daughter who keep us on our toes.  Doc joined the army in 2005, he worked his ass off and was busting (and fixing) heads as a medic for 2nd Ranger Battalion.  While on his 3rd deployment he was vehicle rollover on the way to a mission, at that our lives have drastically changed.

He sustained a traumatic brain injury (TBI) as well as many physical injuries in the accident.  The TBI as led to may "invisible" wounds as well.  He tried for over a year to stay where he was and just get better or suck it up and when that didn't work he transferred to a much less physically demanding and less stressful job as a medic for a the HALO school which brought us to Yuma, AZ.  We hopped that the change of pace would allow him time to recover.  After over a year here and some time being treated at Walter Read we finally admitted defeat and he started the medboard process.  It's been a long process and here we are about 180 days later with no idea when this will all be over.

I still can't believe that this part of our life is almost over, we were in it for the long haul.  The schedule for rangers is grueling for both the ranger and their families but we really seemed to thrive in it, we were in a groove and we were good.  Not to toot my own horn but I was really good at that life, I was a kick ass ranger wife, now what?

When we get home it's going to be a big kick in the ass, Doc can't work so it will be back to the old grind for me.  Before I became a mom I worked in marketing - it's been three years of taking care of babies and my husband - it seems like a lifetime.

I have no idea what the future holds, I just know that it wont include tripping over combat boots and that truly breaks my heart.

♥ - Amber

a pinterest sucess

I have been really good about sticking to an arm routine that I found on pinterest.  (You can find it here if you're interested.)  I do it 3 times a week with my 7lb weights (3 reps of 15) and I am not expecting to become a body builder overnight, I know these things take time, but I am pretty excited about my progress.

Please excuse my "after" hair, there is still some coconut oil in there so I didn't style.  

I know it's hard to see but there is a little shadow where the new definition is starting to show.  Very exciting if you ask me.

Well that's it for now.  I just love passing on stuff that actually works (and bonus, it didn't cost me any money!).


♥ - Amber

oh hold, again!

Doc finally got a hold of someone who could give him some answers and it was good and bad.  The bad is that everyone with the same affective disorder diagnosis is on hold while how it it rated us reevaluated.  The good news is that they are reevaluating it because it needs a higher rating.  What we heard is that it is just awaiting the signature of the Secretary of Defense. Something tells me that he's got a couple of things in his "in" box so who knows when this will happen.

On hold and backlogged.  I really hope I don't miss the fall in New England. 

This officially started 177 days ago and here we sit doing, literally, nothing.  But at least now we know why which is better than being in the dark.

♥ - Amber

sad realization

In March you may remember how excited I was about going home for at O.A.R. concert, the lead singer actually tweeted me about it.  Read the story here.  Well, I've been praying that daily things would get better with Doc and I could go but as you all know that isn't the case.  Today I made it official, I can't go.

A few days ago Doc was feeling well enough to send me off into town alone while he stayed home with the girls.  Later that night he told me that when the girls were in bed napping he almost left the house - he didn't even think about it and it wasn't until he got out to the garage and his car was gone that he remembered that I wasn't home.  If I had taken my car who knows - he may have just left.  I can't leave him alone with the girls knowing this could happen.

I really wanted to go, I really wanted some time alone.  To go home and see my friends and family and do something I did before I was married and all of this (the good and the bad) happened. 

All of us going isn't an option, we are saving our money for the move and life after the army and unnecessary travel with the kiddos is just a nightmare.  But on the bright side, I have all the swagbucks I was planning on using for my plane ticket to now put toward my new camera fund (just too bad I wont be taking pictures at the concert).

But maybe, just maybe, we will hear from the medboard and everything will be good and we will be home by then...maybe not.  They said 30 business days and he sent in his paperwork the first week of March.

♥ - Amber

get mad with me!

I decided to try one of the many May Madness workout challenges found on pinterest.  I posted it on my facebook page and invited everyone to do it with me.  The best way to keep with working out is being held accountable, for me anyway.   So come on over and play too.  This is what we are doing:

I wish I could properly credit this but the tumblr that I found it on did not.

No pressure at all, just thought I would share and invite.  I am doing this along with some other workouts I found on pinterest and have been doing, it feels good.

The girls get a laugh out of watching me and I laugh my butt off watching TC try to do jumping jacks.  That kid just does not have the coordination, I hope that's normal for a three year old.  Addie kept trying to lift my head while I was stretching saying "up, up, up" I guess she wanted to play.  They are the main reason I am doing this (and the reason I have to but totally worth the extra fluff).

♥ - Amber