the end

It sucks when a friendship comes to an end but sometimes it just happens I guess. Life gets in the way and one person starts to feel slighted. I am not one of those people who thinks the time with that person has been a waste of time, I am grateful for the past 4 years I just wish it had ended differently.

I know I wasn't there for her like I had been in the past, it's hard when you are both going through hard times at the same time, I still kept up with her on facebook and blogs and when I went to go reconnect I was told "only friends can see this profile" ouch. I was no longer one of those 400+ friends, I don't have any bad feelings towards her for this, it is just a hard way to learn a friendship is over. I then realized she stopped reading my blog as well.

I'm not one to go begging for friendship, I emailed an apologized for not being in touch and she responded in a business like manner so that's it. Maybe it's a New England thing but some of my best friends and I have gone months without direct interaction and then were able to just pick up where we left off - I guess not everyone can do this. What really bothers me is about a month and a half ago I contacted her (while we were still FB friends) and told her I was sorry I'd been MIA and I never heard anything.

I'm not posting this hoping she'll read it and have some sort of reaction - as fa as I know she no longer reads this. I'm posting it because this is where I post my feelings and right now my feelings are hurt. I wish her the best in everything she does and I mean that sincerely I just wish if things had to end they ended on a different note.

ugh

Is leave over yet? I am ready to stab Doc in the eye. I always love hi but right now I don't like him - not eve a little. He can be such a child.

a quickie

Doc is on leave so my schedule has been thrown out the window but here's what is going on

• Over the weekend my elliptical crapped out (it's working again so yay) but doc decided I needed a jogger - umm OK! We now own this and if this crappy weather will cooperate we will get out there and start running (slowly!)

• I woke up to feed TC and her little leg was sticking out of her crib so she is now enclosed by a breathable bumper, I don't know if it has anything to do with it but now she's sleeping for 6 straight hours.
• The Bruins and Celtics have advanced in their playoffs and I think it has a lot to do with this:
• And the Sox have started to win and once again I know why
  
• And yesterday I got my Mirena IUD, I love my little lady but am not ready to add to the family. Doc wants another and I am sure we will but I don't think I want it soon - well that's not 100% true, if we could afford it I wouldn't really mind getting it out of the way now, I think. But we're waiting so yea...Why wouldn't I want another one just like this?
• And the other day TC and I were twins the other day, SO CUTE.

one good thing

This week has been trying to say the least. My older brother had the same best friend from kindergarten through high school. Their freshman year his friend Tony was diagnosed with Leukemia. He died that year, about 15 years ago this past week. My stepmother called me on Wednesday and let me know that Tony's mother had died and she just got back from her wake. She was such a sweet woman, even after Tony died she was so great to my brother, she and her husband even purchased his dress blues for him (he was a Marine). I can't imagine what that family is going through.

We have been trying to remember what day Tony died and this morning I remembered that they did a memorial in the yearbook that he would have graduated so I texted my sister to look in there for the day. Well from there we chatted a bit and she asked me about TC and after a few texts I said "I'm glad we can talk about her. It's been so hard without you these past few months. We good to just leave the past in the past?" And then we started talking about what happened. She apologized for yelling at me but said that last week of my pregnancy she just felt left out. I told her that I had stopped answering my phone because I was just so sick of talking about being pregnant. I can understand her feeling left out but the bottom line really is that it wasn't really for her to feel included in.

She told me that she got really worried when I told her that I would call her if I was admitted and she didn't hear from me for hours, she has no kids so she doesn't know that is how long it takes! We agreed that we need to be more honest with each other when we are frustrated so things don't blow up again. I really hope it works out because friends come and go (another thing I've learned this week) but family is there forever.

nothing

I have nothing witty or insightful to offer today I only ask that you pray for Karie.

“Certain is it that there is no kind of affection so purely angelic as of a father to a daughter. In love to our wives there is desire; to our sons, ambition; but to our daughters there is something which there are no words to express.”

Joseph Addison

bad day

9 years ago right around this time (late afternoon on the east coast) I was in the ICU in a hospital in Rhode Island holding my father's hand for the last time, kissing his forehead for the last time, and telling him goodbye - for the last time.

Everyone is telling me how much TC looks like him and as wonderful as it is to hear it KILLS me every time.

I've been a mess today, I am trying to hold it together because I don't want the baby to pick up on my mood.

After I saw him he held on for a little over 24 hours. Tomorrow, as it is every year, is going to be hell.

a good day

What an amazing day here in Western Washington, about 70 degrees and sunny. My favorite type of day. I spent the morning working out and then just hanging out with TC and Doc, watched the Sox lose - again! This afternoon TC and I went for a nice walk, it's been a long time since we've been able to get out there. I just don't trust overcast days here, it can go from overcast to typhoon in a matter of moments.

As I was getting ready to leave Doc said to TC, "have you noticed how much weight Mommy has lost?" Felt good because he never comes out with complements for me. I think I owe a lot of it to my new favorite pants, C9 by Champion® Champion® Fitted Knee Pant. They are so comfy and flattering that I bought 3 pairs. They are fantastic to workout in as well as just hang out. I felt so good in them that I wore them on my walk - fitted pants - tight on my bum - ME?! I'm telling you, these pants are fantastic.

When we got back TC was having some naked time on the floor when Doc called me in...TC was trying to roll over! I really think she'll have it down by the end of the week (hopefully while clothed so i can record it without feeling weird. My little lady is growing too fast.

Daddy of the year and other randomness

I woke up this morning and Doc told me that he accidentally cleaned up spilled beer with one of TC's bath towels. Nothing but class in this house.

I tweaked my hip flexor so I am walking like a weirdo.

Last night I downloaded so fun apps for my iPhone, one to help with battary life, one to ID songs (which I already used to clean up my iTunes) and one that will scan a bar code and tell me where I can get the item and how much it is.

The tray in TC's swing has 2 spots for toys to twist in but I can't find the toys anywhere, not even on the Graco website...it's annoying.

Doc didn't have to work today so he got to deal with a cranky baby at 7AM while I slept in.

Today I wore all prepregnancy clothes (well not the nursing tank) and I felt good.

TC grabbed and held a toy on her own for the first time today.
I still have to do my workout for today, Doc is not going to be happy when I turn the hockey game off.

I told you I would show you a before and after shot of the stretch marks, well as incentive to remember the cream everyday I will show you the before picture now, like I said it could be worse but hopefully in 4 weeks it will be better.
Finally, I got that skirt at Target in 2006 before a visit to Doc at AIT and it still fits and looks cute, I love Target.

marked

First I want to thank you all for the comments on my bra vent yesterday. Believe me I know how lucky I am to have reasonably size breasts "in real life." I just wonder what state they will be in when all is said and done. And you were all right on about the champion bra, I picked that up yesterday and wore it today and only had to wear one bra! I will be grabbing more of those this week. And yes I LOVE my nursing tanks, I wear one almost every day, I just wish the tanks from Target were longer like the one I got from Motherhood but Targets were cheaper and more discrete (the motherhood one makes me breasts look lumpy).

Back to the order of the day, stretch marks. I did better than I thought I would, I have a cluster of them a few inches below my belly button and I hate them! I'm working out and hope that my bikini days are not over so I did something a little out of character - I spent $40 on stretch mark cream.
It said I should see results in four weeks, I just need to apply it twice a day. I am going to take some before pictures and in a month I will let you know if it's worth the $40.

I will leave you with something to make you smile.

Dear Target

A few weeks ago when I went to buy new nursing bras I gave you the benefit of the doubt, maybe the reason you had about 47 36Bs and no 36DDs was because you sold out of the normal nursing mom sizes. Honestly, who really needs a 36B nursing bra??! I would like to slap that girl (because I am jealous), I miss my reasonable boob size.

Anyway, back to today when I went in to buy a sports bra, I wanted one with real cups and the biggest one you had was a C cup! Big boobied girls need to work out too. I picked u p the C cup, hopefully it will be OK. I will say it again, I miss my old boobs :(

Hit a mommy milestone

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend who hadn't met TC yet so I brought her, it was T's first time in a restaurant and I was a little nervous she's a good baby so I knew it wasn't going to be a disaster. I fed her before we left and decided not to bring a bottle, if she needed to eat I would feed her. Doc could not believe that I wasn't bringing a bottle. I have plenty in my stash so I guess he figures I should be using it.

This make it sound like he doesn't 100% support my breast feeding, he totally does and has never had any complaints about it. He sees me feed at home and here it's very casual, I don't pay attention to my boobs being on display, it's just Doc and me so perhaps he is nervous I might forget where I am and let it all hang out.

Anyway...all was going well and T got a little fussy so I changed her in the bathroom (BTW, how the hell am I supposed to wash my hands while holding the baby? She almost got a second bath) I noticed there was no sitting area in the ladies room so even if I wanted to (which I didn't) I couldn't feed her in there. She continued to fuss so I popped on my nursing cover, and fed my daughter without missing a beat. The only table I was facing was a table of older people, I would guess in their late 60s to late 70s and they were looking over at the baby all lunch so I was a bit nervous about their reactions but I was surprised to see that they really didn't care, one woman seemed to give a happy nod. I am so glad my first attempt went smoothly and when she was done eating she went to sleep. I am so thankful to have such an easy baby.

up all night

The last time I was up until 4AM was...well I don't even know, maybe spring break senior year (2003) when ever it was I can assure you I had more fun than I had last night. TC was just...ugh! She was awake and wanted me to be as well. She wouldn't swing, she wouldn't lay down, she wanted to interact and when she doesn't get what she wants the entire neighborhood hears about it. Doc was kind enough to take her with him to work, there were a bunch of guys who hadn't met her yet and it was a really short day. I still had to get out of bed and help him defrost some milk and make the bottle (Dr. Brown bottles have a lot of parts). I was able to get a few extra hours of sleep which I was very happy about! It was the first time I have ever been alone in this house (I was pregnant when we moved in so she was with me!). And of course all of his buddies loved her.

Yesterday was kind of bittersweet, I removed all of the newborn supports from her car seat, bouncy chair and swing and I had to adjust the harness on her car seat. She's just getting so big! I was showing her how to grab things today and she seems to be catching on, well she knows she has to have an open hand and eventually a closed hand so it's a start. She should be good at it, she's great at grabbing and pulling my hair! I ordered her "stationary entertainer" today, she's getting Fisher-Price Rainforest Jumperoo, I saw nothing but good reviews about this one, too bad it's ugly as sin and is going to fug up my living room.

6 hours

I got 6 straight hours of sleep last night before TC woke up to eat. Yay!

So I went to Doc's appointment yesterday and we spoke with the Dr and he went over all of Doc's tests and showed us where he excelled and where he had trouble and the results weren't surprising. He's having trouble concentrating and problems with speech. He told us he may not get back to 100% but perhaps 95%, we are OK with 95%. I know that we are blessed because it could have been a lot worse and I am thankful that he was able to come home to me.

But it's not all about Doc, I have almost finished with my 30 challenge with Wii EA Active and I am happy to say I haven't missed a day (2 days of working out and one day of rest). I haven't lost much weight but I feel great and I can see changes and that is really all that matters. I picked up the More Workouts game too and love that too, they have a 6 week challenge that I will start next week I've also been doing the ab workouts and step aerobics, let me tell you they are great workouts and I can do them while TC naps. I am super excited for Active 2.0 which will come out in the fall, it will have more motion sensors and a heart rate monitor (and will be available on other gaming consoles). Really I think it's a great tool for moms who just can't get to the gym. Perhaps EA should pay me for this - you know in things other than a fabulous ass and buff arms.

progress!

Doc had his appointment at the TBI clinic on Monday, he was there for 2 hours taking tests and telling them his symptoms. Monday he was having a good day so most of the testing was pretty easy for him and while that's good it's not really a good representation of what he's dealing with. He always deals with his stutters and his loss for words so they saw that.

Yesterday he had a bad day, his head was really bothering him and he was getting frustrated with everything. Luckily he had another appointment yesterday. When he got home he was just drained. The memory exercises were the hardest for him and the most frustrating. The frustration almost brings him to tears, this is a man I have seen cry less than 10 times in the past 5 years.

Today he has another appointment, well we have an appointment since they want me to come in with him. I am sure they are just going to ask me about the changes I've seen and things like that. They did tell him that he's going to be a harder case since he's not also dealing PTSD (well not from war anyway). Most of the soldiers they see are dealing with both and so they treat both. Hopefully I will have more answers after the appointment.

And to lighter the mood, TC! She's been cooing a little and I h ave been teaching her "ohhhh" and making an "O" with her mouth, I'm not going to lie I cried a little when she stated really doing it - it's the first thing that I taught her! And here she is:

happy opening day!

She's been sleeping all afternoon, she woke up for a feeding and a diaper change and passed out again...I have a feeling we are going to be up until at least 2AM again. Crap.

finally

Doc finally heard from the TBI clinic today, well kind of. He called them again and the person he spoke with said "oh I just got your info 10 minutes ago." I just don't get it, TBI is a serious issue and while I know and am grateful that Doc's isn't the worst case there are soldiers who just can't wait over a week to be seen. Perhaps this slow response is related to the skyrocketing suicides...but that is a little deeper than I want to get right now. He has an appointment on Monday morning.

I'm been busy snapping pictures all day, starting at 2AM when I got up to feed TC, it's been a pretty boring day but a typical day. TC has been sleeping a lot today, I think she has a bit of a cold. She always seems to be a little congested (the Dr thinks she's allergic to one of the critters) but it's a little worse today. No fever so it's nothing to be worried about but it breaks my heart to hear her snorting! Anyway, she's fussing so I should go.