so many reasons not to do it...

I have been thinking and while I really really want to get involved with The Team In Training I don't think that right now is the time.  I am sure that if I tried I really could do a half marathon and some time (relatively) soon I will but here are the reasons I am chickening out now:

• Moving, if Doc submits his packet in 3 months that means we will me on the road in about 4 months, the same time as the race.  (I am assuming he will get in because he's a hell of a soldier and we just found out his would be new boss is his old boss that has been trying to get Doc to work with him for a few years.)  I don't know if I could handle the stress of another 3000+ mile move and the race at the same time.
• Breastfeeding, I plan to nurse TC for at least a year and I know that it is totally possible to nurse and train but I don't know how I would handle being in San Antonio with her.  Doc can't always just take time off and if we are in a new unit it could be much harder.  I can't afford to fly someone down there with me to watch her while I am running and she doesn't really take a bottle so leaving her back home would be really hard.  (And I can't imagine being away from her!)
• My shins, I am having issues with them and I don't want to push myself too hard.

So there it is.  Maybe once we move I can find a local race or even a race in New England that I can drive to.  By then I will have a lot less stress.  I just can't imagine how horrible I would feel if the stress of a move and the training effected my supply - providing TC with top notch nutrition is my main priority.   I am going to continue to run and work on my endurance.  I love being out there.

I'm quitting before I have even started and I feel like a bum for it but it's not the end of this.  I really want to do this.  I got a little extra incentive today, after I changed into my around-the-house shorts Doc said "hey skinny."  What's better than that?

bummer

So Doc can't submit his packet this quarter.  I don't really know who dropped the ball but someone was not made aware that Doc was looking into this position so submitting the packet would look like he's going behind his back.  It's so frustrating, in the real world Doc would have been able to go straight to his boss (in this case his Master Sergent) and tell him what's going on but in Doc's world he needs to rely on others doing it because he can't make it look like he thinks he has to jump channels but apparently he has to jump channels to get things done.  I don't know how all those egos fit on one army post.

Doc is going to use this time to take some college classes, when he reenlisted he was guaranteed 3 months to do so now seems to be the time.  I really hope it gets approved.  He's going to try to get Tuesday/Thursday classes and if that works out I think I am going to look into a part time job - why not save a little money. 

OK, yes the extra money would be a huge help but in reality I will just need to get out of the house - sure he will h ave some classes but he'll be home for 3 straight months!  YIKES!

In other cute news, TC is 97% crawling and 75% able to sit up on her own.  Her hair is getting in her eyes and she doesn't like it so she has a fun head shake thing.  I will just have to keep pulling it back because I refuse to give her bangs.  And this is the fun face she's been making - don't you just want to bite her?  (FYI the onsie is from Target and I don't care if she looks like a boy I LOVE it)

this and that

First, thanks for the encouragement about joining the Team in Training.  I am still having shin issues so I am not sure about making such a big commitment but I am 75% sure I will do it.  I hope to be PCSing in a few months so I wonder how that will play into it all.  Now for my favorite thing - bullet points!

• I spent MONTHS complain to you all about being fat and you were all so supportive and loving, I really don't know if I would have been able to overcome my body issues with out your kind words.  This is what I looked like yesterday - I tossed on a tube tube to get a little sun while TC napped, I don't know if I would wear a tube top in public again.  I haven't been so comfortable in my clothes in a long time.
• Doc has been going to his TBI classes, even if they aren't taking him seriously.  He got yelled out for doodling in class - He's just like me, doodling helps him pay attention, I know it sounds weird but it's true.  
• I really like this new blogger system - I don't know why it took me so long to make the switch.  I've updated all my current tabs and plan to add one with info just about our journey with the army and another talking about Doc's injury.
• TC is sucking on my ankle, I guess she's hungry (is this where "ankle  biter" comes from?)
• Doc is taking care of the final step for submitting his packet for the new job but now his bosses aren't sure if they will allow it.  I don't want to wait another 3 months - I HATE being in limbo.
• I'm not sure what's going on with Doc's dad, no news is good news I guess.  When their pastor told FIL that we would welcome him in to our home he cried.  He was certain that this relapse would push us away.  I know that I'm been a bit harsh when talking about FIL but the bottom line is her is Doc's father and TC's grandfather and we love him.  I just don't want him to hurt the people I love and I pray that THIS is finally the thing to set him straight.

Just putting it out there

I want to run the rock and roll half marathon in San antonio this November. I am going to contact the team in training soon. I used to have such a good relationship with the folks at the leukemia & lymphoma society back in rhode island. I think I can do it and doing it in my fathers honor would be amazing. Anyone want to take the challenge with me (I'm looking at you Amanda) I would love to go through it with some of my bloggy friends.

I am posting this in HTML on my iPhone so sorry if it's jacked up.

we've created a super fan

Another day at the ballpark another adorable outfit.

We couldn't have been luckier with the weather - I actually wore shorts! By the time the game started our seats were in the shade, couldn't ask for more weather wise.

This is right before she fell apart, about 2 seconds before she fell apart to be exact (yup I have huge boobs!)

And she lost it.

She didn't get her 2 hour morning nap so she was a cranker. It took a while but she finally fell asleep on Daddy's lap. What a trooper, she slept through cheers and at bat music, announcers...

I love how she wakes up so happy, she almost always wakes up happy, what's better than that?

Look at that face, makes you forget that the Sox lost.

Around the 6th inning the guy next to me got a huge cheese steak, TC decided that she wanted it so she started asking nicely by tapping on his shoulder. When she saw that wasn't working she started going for his fork (yes is was a big cheese steak that required a fork). It was too funny, poor thing won't be eating cheese steak for quite some time so I hope the veggies purees will be enough.

did you know?

Did you know that we have 2 TVs in the living room? Doc likes to play xBox but doesn't like not being in the same room as TC so he brought his TV into the living room.

Did you know I am not a fan of 2 TVs in the same room?

Did you know TC has started lifting my shirt when she's hungry? I always have to be on my toes when we are out.

Did you know it's going to be a beautiful week in WA? I'm excited for this and plan to get my ass in gear running as well as walks with TC.

Did you know my shins have been hurting and I am afraid to run on them? I don't want them to get so bad that I can't run.

Did you know I got some joy posting my pictures from the Sox game on facebook knowing all the girls from high school would see them? They all had their babies a year ago and have let themselves go and aside from my huge boobs I look like I did before TC.

Did you know I am incredibly shallow some times? I can't help it - I think most people secretly think things like that though I am just stupid enough to say it.

Did you know TC is -this close- to pushing herself into a seated position? I can't wait until she can do it, it will add a whole new level to her independence. (I actually stress that I am laying her down when she wants to sit.)

Did you know Doc has one thing left to do for his packet that is due by the 31st and he still hasn't done it? Grrrrr

Did you know Doc just informed me that he would leave TC in the car to run into the dry cleaners? He said it's OK because you park 5 feet away and they always leave the door open. He thinks it's the same as going into the kitchen while she's in the living room. "It only takes 2 minutes so what's the big deal?" This makes me sick to my stomach - I must remember to lever ask him to go to the cleaners while he has her.. (this came up because of the revelation above, his Class As need his new rank and I was going to bring them on my way to a friend's but I won't because of the baby.)

Did you know that's it for me today - more adorable pictures after the game tomorrow!

sox baby

Don't let this picture fool you, she got him wrapped around her fingers

The game last night was so much fun, we got there pretty early which was great because we were able to settle ourselves. Being a Thursday night and it not being Fenway Park the game was not sold out so there was plenty of room. We also paid $5 per ticket to sit on the club level which tends to keep away the drunks (we learned that last year).

TC did so well, she got a little cranky since she missed her early evening nap but other than that it was great. We brought her a bottle but she was not interested, I found a nice bench to nurse her that was out of the way, I have no problem nursing in the middle of everything but she gets distracted.

We left in the 9th, a little past 9:15, the Red Sox were up by 5 and our no hitter bid had been broken up so we thought we were good. After some craptastic pitching Seattle tied it up and we were able to watch the end of the game when we got to our house 50 miles away! But don't worry, the Sox won. And here are the pictures that I am sure you have been waiting all day for :)







Can't wait to go back on Sunday.

so much for the momma mini pampering

Doc got off work early yesterday and I was super excited to use this opportunity to get my hair cut. It had been six months since I waddled my 9 month pregnant self into a salon and the current situation was bad. There is a cute salon down the street from me and I was excited to try them out. I did some research and found their website and facebook page and what was even better was a half price haircut offer - score!

I called and was able to go in a half hour later (that should have been my first clue). The place was beautiful but the music...well it was like some bad love song Muzak compilation. I told the woman that I hadn't had my hair cut in 6 months, since I had my baby. During our shampoo small talk session I told her that I am a stay at home mom, she has 3 kids so I thought she knew that mom doesn't always have time to fuss with her hair.

She got me in the chair and I told her I part my hair on the right - I then had to clarify "my right" (how was that not obvious). Then she started cutting and she started high, I am all for face framing but I am a stay at home mom who now can't get her hair behind her ear! WTF I have never had a stylist do that without asking my length preference first. I was pissed. When the cut was over (and the cut took about 15 minutes - again I should have been alarmed) it was time for my favorite part, the blow out! Well it seems that the blow out is a thing of the past.

I can flat iron my hair any time I want at home, that is not what I want when I go to a pro. It's like going to the dentist and all he does is brush your teeth. This woman barley dried my hair when she attacked it with her flat iron - I say attacked because I could hear my hair being singed since the ends were still damp. I clenched my teeth, I feared that I would yell if I said anything. She is done, I am not happy. She then tells me it's not best to wait 6 months between cuts like I'm some sort of an idiot.

When it came time to check out I referenced the coupon code on facebook and she said it was no longer good and wouldn't honor it.


Looks good to me (oops, did I leave the name of the place on there?).

I don't look horrible but I'm not happy and to make it worse while flat ironing this morning I found that the layers are all jacked up and I am going to have to fix it.

Stylish, sure but not SAHM hair
looks like I will have to dig out some bobby pins

I am just extra pissed because I don't do much just for me and the one time I try it's more stress.

getting ready for tomorrow

Tomorrow Doc and I are taking TC to her first baseball game. She's very lucky, my first game was a minor league game in Pawtucket, RI but she is going straight to the bigs! Don't get me wrong, I LOVE minor league games and hope we are always around a stadium when she's old enough to enjoy it. This post isn't about that, TC is going to see the Red Sox!

It's going to be a bit chilly in Seattle tomorrow so I won't be able to put her in a skirt, hopefully the pigtails keep the "cute little boy" comments to a minimum. I can't really get upset, she's be in pretty much all boys clothes. I hate pink sports gear for grown women - HATE it. I am on the fence about it for little girls, as of now TC doesn't own any. The onsies that I have don't say they are for little boys but they are defiantly masculine.

Here's a little teaser - adorable pictures will follow after the game.

Sunday is an afternoon game and it should be 80 so she'll look adorable in this.
I tried on my jersey last night and I can wear it...unbuttoned. My boobs are just too much for it ;).

For fun here is a picture od Doc and me at our very first game together. It was September 2005 at Fenway Park (I can't wait to take TC there!) this is also the very first pictre we ever took together...I used to be able to show some belly...

Doc's father is being evaluated today, I'll let you know what's going on wen we know.

make over

On a much lighter note...

I redid my blog. I have been fighting the urge to use the premade layouts for a while because I didn't want my blog to look like 4000 but I must admit I am very happy with the outcome. I made my own header so that is original.

I don't even care that my hair was a frizzy mess the day that picture was taken - I LOVE that picture of TC and me.

I am still in the process of personalizing the tabs but I am very excited that I can have everything in its own place, my blog looks so clean!

So that's it, I hope you enjoy it. (FYI, I'm viewing it in Firefox on a Mac so if you are using another browser/OS and are having issues please let me know)

A plan

First of all, thank you for all of the support, it's so sad to know how many others deal with similar situations but glad to know I'm not alone.

My history with this is a drunk for a mother who, on her scheduled visitation days, would be drunk when she picked my sisters and me up - when she remembered to pick us up. She broke our hearts over and over again until one day she decided to make a change. She was sober for over 12 years - 12 YEARS - then she started back up again. She continues to hurt my sisters and me with her drinking.

Doc had a long talk with his pastor from back home which was really good for him. Father in law (FIL) had been in counseling with him for the past several months. He seems to really believe that FIL can't physically stop drinking. I don't know. That is what the program is for - when you want to reach for a drink you reach for a phone. If he was serious about sobriety he would have let his son know that he was going into rehab. If he's tried his 12 steps he's never hit step 9, Doc has never gotten an apology. I am not so quick to remove FIL's responsibility.

OK, that's my vent now here is the plan. FIL is going to try to get into a 9 month program, he needs to learn a new way to live. With this there will be more changes. One mistake many addicts make is going back to their old lives thinking the only change they need to make is the drinking/drugs. For FIL it means not moving back into his parents basement - that just can't happen. Doc and I talked and if rehab goes well we will open our home to him (so much for those 3000 miles).

It wont just be a "come stay in our basement" type thing, he will have to attend meetings, he will have to get counseling and he will have to earn our trust back. I want him to be better, I pray he will get better and I will do what I need to do for that to happen. Don't get me wrong, the moment he crosses a line or makes me or DH feel uncomfortable he will be out of there.

There are some things that will have to change in our lives, aside from the obvious stress that taking in an in-law brings. We wont be able to have alcohol in the house, we usually have beer in the fridge, a bottle of vodka in the freezer, and Doc's scotch on the counter. This isn't that big of a deal just kind of a bummer. What will really suck is our plans for a second child will have to be put on hold. We were planning on trying again when TC is a year old - in 6 months. I don't want to be pregnant for this transition and when I bring a new baby home I want it to just be our little family, no in-laws. What about deployments? Doc and I haven't even discussed this - just FIL and me for months at a time? hmmmm

We will figure this out, we will have to come up with a solution, it will be temporary. He can move around with us as w PCS if he wants but he can do so in his own apartment!

let down...again

I know I've spoken about Doc's father in the past - long story short is that he's an alcoholic who has been "better this time" more times than I can count. I known from what I go through with my mother that things never really change. An addict will always be an addict and it is up to us to decided how much of ourselves we are willing to give to these people because more often than not they will let you down. Its harsh but it's the truth.

Doc knows these things, he was the father figure for his sisters growing up, he tried to shield them from the pain. Luckily for them Doc's grandparents took them in after one of Doc's fathers horrific mistakes left them homeless.

Doc spent most of his adult life hating his father, unable to forgive his mistakes and unable to accept that he was never going to change. Before his first deployment he got off the phone and seemed shocked, "my father was crying."

While an addict will almost always let you down it doesn't mean they don't love you.

Since then Father In Law's been trying, he went back to school to learn a trade. He sent us money when Doc's mother finally settled her back child support. He has 3 beautiful grand daughters who deserve a grandfather who will not let them down.

I have to admit, when I was home I almost believed he could be that man.

Last night my sister in law, M, called. Dear old dad had fallen off the wagon again (fallen is putting it nicely, I am sure his wagon has a nice slide built in). He took himself out of rehab, Doc and I didn't even know he was in one, mixed his prescription drugs with booze and crashed his car. Thank God he didn't hurt or kill anyone. He was arrested. His father, Doc's grandfather who raised him, bailed him out...again.

This is not the first time he's done this so he knows that this time he is going to jail. In a cry for help he cut himself - his loser of a brother who also lives with Doc's grandparents called 911 and they took him.

So here we are. M is a mess, her father has let her down in every way possible and now this. Doc is a mess, when I told him what happened last night he seemed to just let it roll off of his chest but after talking to M he is having a really hard time. He's 3000 miles away and can't protect her. It's killing him that he can't share this burden. I asked if he wanted to go home but he knows there isn't much he can do if he did.

My husband doesn't cry, today he cried.

The grandparents have been enabling this man for over 20 years and I pray that it stops now. Doc is worried about who will take care of his father, I hope he gets a decent court appointed lawyer who gets him rehab as well as jail time. I hope he feels the love of his family but has no other help from them. I hope he finally mans up and takes responsibility for his actions.

As I told my message board friends, I am glad we are 3000 miles away - I will never let him break TC's heart like he has his own kids.

taking her out to the ball park

Hey all! I wish I could say I haven't been posting because I have been off doing exciting things but I haven't. It's been the same old same old here which I'm not complaining about. On Friday TC and I went to the "good mall" about an hour away to pick up some baseball tickets - the Red Sox are in town this weekend and we will be there! I am so excited for TC's first game, I'm going to make a pretty sign and try to get us on NESN (New England Sports Network) I am thinking something like "I can't believe it took me 5 months to get to my first game" I'm still trying to figure it out. Any suggestions? She has 5 Red Sox onsies so she's set, I will give her pigtails so she doesn't look like a boy.

We also into H&M, I love the kids clothes there. TC needed a new pair of jeans all the girls jeans were hideous so I picked up some stylish boys jeans, they are a little too big on here so I rolled them up making her even more stylish! They were more than I like to spend on baby clothes ($15) but she'll be wearing them for a while so I guess it's OK. We are all ready to transition into her 6-9 clothes, well her closet is ready, I don't think I am mentally prepared. People can't believe that at 18lbs she is still in 3-6 but she's mostly leg chunk so it works out well with baby clothes.

And just a few tid-bits, someone asked me about my daughter's name. It's not a secret or anything - her name is Teagan and the C is for her middle name Courtney but I call her TC because my blog is searchable and I don't want my family or anyone to Google her name and come across it. Not that I think people spend their days doing that but once they all know about it the jig is up and I can't be as honest about everything.

Finally I have started another blog, I haven't posted there yet. I turn 30 on 7 Aug and I will use the other blog to document my 30th year in photographs. I'm really excited about it and it will give me a reason to shoot things other than my daughter. I should start posting on 8 Aug so if you want to follow along please do, I hope it is something I will be able to look back on in the years to come. I am so excited about my 30s and can't think of a better way to start the decade off.

this is her house

Remember when I was worried about TC's jumperoo fugging up my living room? Well I long for the day when a plastic toy was all we had to deal with because now that she is on the go we now have this...
Yup, it's unfortunate but necessary since she is into everything these days! She's checking it out right now and doesn't seem to be happy about it. But wow that thing is HUGE!

little angels

It's not for us to ask why it is for us to trust that God has his plan and each of us are here as part of it. We are here because this is where He needs us, others are not here because He needs them elsewhere. What I don't understand is why he takes babies.

A friend of mine was expecting, she was extra excited because between training and deployments the odds of conception were not good. Everything was going well, he husband came home from deployment in time for the big ultrasound. They learned they were having a little boy. Then they heard what every couple fears at the big ultrasound, "I'm going to go get the Dr to double check something."

That sweet little boy was sick, devastated at first his parents had a plan and they were ready to give him everything he needed. They worked with their doctors and the doctors in Seattle and would be ready with everything their baby would need. Their plan and God's plan just weren't the same. They lost that sweet boy.

I just don't understand - I know I'm not supposed to but that doesn't bring me comfort. Why couldn't my friends be given the same gift Doc and I were given? Why are we so blessed while others put through such pain? My friend is doing better with each day that passes but nothing can take away the pain of losing of a child no matter how long that child was with you. Please keep them in your prayers.

some pictures say it all

my gear

I've had a few questions about my running gear so I thought I would share all my favorites. And my disclaimer, I am a novice runner just starting out, and as much as I wish people would buy me stuff I paid and pick out all of these things on my own. I guess I am not a cool enough blogger to have people send me things (but if you're reading this and you want to just let me know - I'm not above a little gift in exchange for a review haha)

Sneaker:
Brooks Adrenaline™ GTS 10 - I've never had real running shoes before, I always picked up some sneakers that were cute (and in high school they had to be blue and white to match my field hockey skirt - I'm such a girl). Now that I've used these I will never go back! I got these at REI for $100

clothes
I LOVE the C9 Champion line from Target

images from the website

C9 by Champion® Womens Running Skort - Ebony
fits great and looks super cute too (I saw a few wives smack their husbands while they drove by, that's how you know) and it was only $16.99!
C9 by Champion® Champion® Fitted Knee Pant - Ebony
These are great, very flattering and help keep the baby pooch concealed. I am not one for wearing tight pants but I've run in these and even run a few quick errands! Regularly price is again great at $17.99

I couldn't find the bra I like on the website but it's from the same line at Target and is great because it is adjustable and can keep even a nursing mother contained. I think they were about $18 each.
On my head a running cap from REI, again I couldn't find it online but it was about $25 and is great because it breathes and has has a pony tail hole. (And best it fits comfortably on my giant head.)
On my iPhone I downloaded the C25K app to keep track of when to walk and when to run. It was $2.99. It's great because you can import your own music. I tried timing it on my own but I was too preoccupied with the time I didn't concentrate on my run.

So those are my must haves, these and whatever tank top I have laying around (but really I like maternity tanks because they are longer)