Prayers for Andrew

I've been following Jessica over at Learning as We Go for a few years now and I remember how excited I was she announce she was expecting.  Andrew has made his way into the world and is a strong beautiful little boy but he's got a few hurdles to overcome.  If you could take a few moments to say a prayer for Andrew, Jessica, and Trey as they go through this it would great. 

Stay strong Jessica, your beautiful boy is amazing.

I got yelled out

I guess it's been a while since I've updated.  My friend sent me a facebook message that simply said, "Update your blog"so here I am.

Doc surprised me last week and came home early Thursday morning and not the late Friday night like we thought.  It was nice to have him back.  We were able to talk about everything going on, his bosses have been trying to keep  him here, I don't want to get into details but we've decided that he will submit his packet to try for the other job and if that doesn't work out he will stick it out here.  Deployment is up in the air - I'm still just preparing as if he's 100% going.  I wish I had that mindset months ago.

Other than that things have been pretty boring with the exception of one thing - TC's first word!  I would have loved for it to be Momma and Doc would have killed for a Dadda but we got "up"  It's about right since our little mountain goat loves to climb.  She's not so sturdy so she's got a few bruises  (and maybe the beginning of a black eye, does that make me a bad mother?).  I figure I can hover over her and make sure she never bumps her head or stubs her toe but also never learns from doing those things or I can let her let her try to figure things out on her own and learn.  Obviously I'm not taking her to a staircase and letting her go, I would never let her get into a situation where should could be seriously hurt, just had to make sure that was clear so no one calls CPS on me.

Anyway, that's a bit of a tangent, while she climbs up the one step we have she says "up," when she pulls up on to the couch she says "up."  So I am pretty sure she knows what she's saying. 

Also on a totally unrelated note, the water company really needs to get on the ball with online bill pay, it's one of the only checks I have to write and I always forget about it - because of my bone headedness I got a 3 day shut off notice.  Oops, I took care of that this morning.

I'm wordless, this song says it all

thinking ahead

This deployment - I'm getting ready.  Perhaps there will be a last minute decision that he is staying back but I'm not thinking about that.  As of right now, in my head, he's going.  We've decided that I am staying in WA for Christmas.  TC and I will celebrate with my friend and her baby (her sister is coming to WA too - you hear that L, I invited myself over).  If any family members want to come that would be amazing but if not it's OK.  TC wont remember and I will just do my best to hold it together. 

I had me heart set on TC wearing this on Halloween,  Doc hates it.

He likes the idea of her being a snowman (if you know us in real life you know why) or something else.  I told him that I dress her every day so I will dress her for Halloween as well.  I think I will let him pick her costume after all since he wont be here to trick or treat with her, these little things will keep him included.

Doc told me before his first deployment not to be a victim of my situation and I hold onto that and I refuse to be.

I am also going to get some books from Hallmark that he can record his voice into so he can read to her while he's away.  He is convinced that she is going to forget him but if he lets me take pictures and video that I can show her I think  we can keep that from happening.  He hates me taking pictures and really can't stand video.  I really hope he gets over it, I would love to have him reading her a few of her favorite stories .

We can kick this deployments ass.  I'm not afraid to have a few ugly snotty cries but what I will focus on is TC knowing that her daddy didn't leave her, he is working.  He loves her no matter where he is and that Momma carries his love for her so when he's not around and the extra love I give is actually coming from him.

talking about her always makes me happy

I haven't given a TC update in a while.  We had her 6 month appointment at 6 months and 12 days, she was 19lbs 4 oz and 26 inches long.  So not quite 20 lbs but so close!  She's such a porker.

She only had one shot, after the reaction she had 2 months ago I decided to space the others out, she will get them all but not all at once so if she does have a reaction we will know what caused it.

She's now an expert crawler and climber.  It's just so cute when I put my hands out and say, "come to momma" and she crawls right over.  It's not as cute when she climbs up the step into the kitchen and thinks she can have free run of the house.

She pulls up to standing and has even let go for 3 seconds and stood on her own.  (Just breaks my heart that Doc is most likely going to miss her first steps.)  She is very interest in standing and walking but I wouldn't mind if she slowed down a bit, I miss my baby.

She wanted a better view of  the game

She still has to teeth trying to come through, her bottom teeth have been on the verge of cutting through for weeks but still nothing.  Poor thing is in so much pain.  We were using the teething tablets but they are made from lactose and she was throwing up. Now we are using baby Orajel, frozen face clothes, frozen apples in her mesh feeder and she's doing well with those.

The biggest issue we are having is her sleeping, she wakes in the middle of the night not to be put back down.  It ends with me taking her into my bed and me not getting any sleep because I am worried about her.  I have a book to read to sleep train but I haven't had time to start it.   (I should be doing it now but I'm updating you all.)

All in all she is amazing.  My kid is just so happy and fun.  She independent but loving.  I couldn't have ask for anything more.

so much for that

Doc just IMed me from his training location to tell me they've decided to deploy him after all.  I don't know how they are getting around his profile - I guess keeping him off the line.  Even if he isn't in direct combat he's compromised, just the other day we went to lunch at our usual lunch spot and he almost got lost because his mind blanked on where he was, where he was going and who he was with.  They better keep him safe.

I had just gotten used to the idea of him staying home.  I guess we're back in our routine. 

Now I have to go find a box of tissues.

I confess

This is going to sound horrible and I know it.  Many of you  are going to wonder what is wrong with me but I have to say it anyway.  The lack of deployment on the horizon is freaking me out.

Doc isn't deploying with his unit this next rotation due to his injury.  This is the first time in 3 years that there hasn't been a deployment on the horizon.  Doc's unit is on a fixed rotation schedule, we always know how many months he'll be away and how long he'll be home (unless he's expedited or extended but even so it's kind of expected).  Since  he's not deploying and we are hoping to get out of here this means he may not deploy for a few years. 

He deploys, that is what he does.  I hang out and wait for him, that is what I do - it's part of our routine.  The fact that I don't know when he will leave next is freaking me out - we will be together for at least a year if not more.  The break from each other is our norm so not having that is scary.   Do I like having him in a war zone? Not at all.  Do I enjoy not seeing him for months on end and not talking to him for weeks at a time?  Not even a little.  Do I like having a routine - yes I do.  Now our routine is screwed  up.  My first deployment with TC isn't going to be now before she can really understand it, she will be very aware and able to vocalize her concern when he deploys next and that will break my heart.

I guess I will have time to really think about this the next few days while he's away training.  I know I am blessed to have him home, I really do but I just hope we're OK without our break from each other.  The only time we've spent an entire year together was when he was a in school in NC and he was in class or studying 12+ hours a day.

(almost) wordless Wednesday

I had to potoshop my nursing pad out (it was showing through the thin top) so I gave myself a little help with my laugh lines - just don't tell my facebook friends :)

balance

I need to find some balance in my life, I feel like I am 45% mother, 45% wife and 10% Amber.  Sure it's working for now but I can't keep on like this for ever.  I'm not close to my breaking point so I've got some time to figure things out I just don't know where to start.

Doc is doing much better, thank you for all the support.  I find myself wondering our life would be like if he hadn't been hurt.  He would be gearing up to head over again, he would have missed a good 3-4 months of T's life away training.  So in some ways it's been OK for us but I really can't say I would choose this rout over the deployment rout.  I think I would send him over there every rotation if the same man I sent came back to me, I miss the man I kissed goodbye last December.

I think his injuries are a big reason that I've kind of lost myself.  It takes a lot of energy not to resent him - I just blame the driver who rolled the vehicle, I know it was an accident but it helps to blame someone. 
     

I just found out...

...that I can't do anything right.  It's good to know so now I can stop trying.

I told him it's too early for him to start working out not all of his TBI symptoms seem to be back and are making up for lost time.

I wonder if he knows, or cares, how horrible he makes me feel when he says these things to me.

not feeling so hot

I feel very nauseous - very!  Like I could puke at any moment.  No fever or anything else so you know where my mind is going...I took a test this morning and it said my two favorite words of the day "not pregnant" but I'm not convinced.  If I am we conceived 2 weeks ago so it might not register yet.  I still have my IUD so I am hoping it is doing it's job in there.  I haven't had a period so I really don't know what is going on.

I can't imagine a newborn and a 15 month old, T will still be her crib at 15 months!  D and I are 16 months apart which was great for us because we  had an instant best friend but I don't know how my mother did it (maybe that's why she drinks).  Anyway, I hope that I start to feel better and my crazy dreams stop so I can get some peace of mind - oh I didn't mention that did I?  The first clue I had that I was pregnant with TC was the vivid crazy dreams so having them now is not helping!

In TC news, she just climbed the step up into the kitchen - is it normal for a 6 month old to climb a step?  I don't know how I'm going to contain her now.

big excitement in this house

Never in a million years did I think this would excite me but when the FedEx guy came yesterday I was giddy!  TC's high char arrived.  So here it is:

This is it straight out of the box, all I had to do is remove the plastic and cardboard and it was ready.

It folds up super small too, so compact that we can store it away and if we get back to the east coast we'll be able to bring it with us on drives back home :)

All set up, just had to unfold it!

Most importantly, she loves it!

So yea, we like it and after the discounts I got it got less than $110 delivered from BRU, can't complain about that.

edit:  I ended up selling this because the tray didn't push in making meal time very messy.  

God

It seems like since we had TC Doc and I have been having many topical conversations.  I miss that connection to him, I miss knowing what is going in in his head.  I know it's something that many couples go through after having their first but I had no idea it would take 6 months to get back there (if just for a moment).

The other night Doc and I were channel surfing and stopped for a moment on a very popular evangelist.  He was speaking about faith in God, if you have faith God will do your will.  He referenced his grandmother who was told she only had months to live but he and his family prayed hard enough and she lived for years.  He spoke about how he, and his family's faith in God kept her alive.  They got what they wanted, made no mention to what God's will was but they got what they wanted because they prayed hard enough. 

I looked at Doc and said "we must not have prayed hard enough because we still lost the people we love."  And that got it started.  He opened up about what he talked to his old pastor about when he ran in to him in June.  He told him how he feels closer to God now that he's not part of a church.  He said he got very animated when telling him how pissed off he gets hearing people think they can just pray their problems away.  It seems with the recession people have been turning to the church but they've been doing so in the hope that they can pray away any personal responsibility for their problems.  I couldn't agree with him more.

I am not saying that going to church is crap and defiantly not trying to put anyone down for doing so, as I told DH, I miss the fellowship of a church family but I can't stand the phony people who think because they go to church every week they are better than the rest.  I don't really know what the point of this is, I am just glad the Doc and I are able to talk like before and that I am happy with my relationship with God as it is.  And a little bit about how I really don't respect television evangelists like the one we saw (initials are JO and he's definitely had work done on his face haha).

free dog

Ugh, Moses!  I don't know what to do with him.  I love taking him for runs with me and I can see it's doing him some good since he's losing weight but he's just a pain in the butt.  He does not like the gentle leader harness but he has to wear it since he has always pulls.  The last time I took him out he refused to actually run and tried to get the harness off every chance he could (he's been wearing it for 6+ months, it's not something new).  Tonight I decided to try just his choker and see how he did.

He didn't pull but he didn't realize we were out there for a run, he was sniffing around marking and other walk like things.  I know it's not his fault, he see the harness so he thinks "run" I've trained him this way.  The first half of my run was good, I had a great pace and I was finally going to hit my 3 mile mark but the second half he decided to be a jerk.  After he took his sweet time pooping (and of course I had to pick it up) my shins had tightened up and my run was over. 

I know he's a dog, I'm not really mad at him I am just frustrated.  I think I might just leave him home from now on.

well, I'm old

I turned 30 on Saturday.  I had a great day with my little family, started with Ihop for pancakes, then off to the Museum of Glass in Tacoma.  They had live glass blowing and a really cute exhibit inspired by the art of children.  The best part is that this summer most museums in the country are free for military families.  After that we went to BJs for lunch.  After that it was off to the house to hang out.  TC was pretty good, we've found that soft apples in the mesh bag are wonderful for a teething baby.

After some family time it was mommy time, I said good bye to my little lady and went out for the night, I was super nervous because I have put her to sleep every single night of her life.  Doc is perfectly capable but I just love doing it.  He said she was a little fussy and broke down once but when I got home past midnight they were both fast asleep.

Pay no attention to the mess in the background, we just did some rearranging in the house.

Doc had today off so our weekend is just ending now, I couldn't have asked fora  better weekend, I am so blessed to have these amazing people in my life.  My 30s are going to be amazing.

My next thirty years will be the best years of my life

what I've learned

Jessica over at {Mis}Adventures of an Army Wife thought it would be fun if I shared what I've learned in TC first six months and I think it's a great idea.  I'm going to try to keep the in the order that I learned them.

• it's okay to have the birth experience that is best for you.   People, even strangers, would ask if I was going "natural" (I hate that term) it was important to me not to be ashamed of getting an epidural.  My birth experience is what I hoped it would be and that was what mattered.
• it will take at least 45 minutes to hold your baby if you choose to have her cleaned off first if you don't speak up.  I thought they would get the gunk off of her wrap her up and toss her over to me but that was not the case, they did all the measuring, vaccines, washing and whatever else they do to a newborn before I got her.  Next time I still want her cleaned off but I will be sure to tell them only clean her off then send her over so we can have some skin on skin nursing time before she's poked and prodded. (She - I want TC to have a sister.)
• even after the baby is born you will still be exposed.  Nurses would come in to check my bleeding (that means they look at your pad) and ask you if you've pooped.  If breast feeding you will be felt up more than you've ever been in your life but you wont mind because the help is welcomed.
• I thought breastfeeding would be so easy but not all babies know what they are doing.  Latching is an art form and takes practice, unfortunately your nipples pay the price.
• A baby could give you 80 year old grand father a run for his money even if he just ate cabbage and beans.  Why didn't anyone tell us that these itty bitty creatures fart so loud?!  Doc and I were giggling like 5 year olds.
• That "I'm a mom and I feel a crazy amount of love for this new child" feeling might not kick in right away.  Not to say that you don't love the baby from the start but it may take a bit for the overwhelming thinking-about-this-baby-makes-me-cry-with-joy to kick it.  I thought as soon as she arrived that feeling would but it took a few days.
• babies are bendy which comes in handy when dressing them
• all of my "I'll never do that" became my every day activities for a while.  I bed shared for a while, I put her in her swing for a few minutes of peace, I once put her in front of the TV so I could do the dishes (but in my defense the Red Sox were on and she HAS TO learn)
• my husband can sleep through anything - I think it's part what most fathers are like and part the TBI induced deep sleep but he never hears her when she cries at night
• People suck and will touch your baby.  It's OK to turn into an super bitch and not allow this to happen.
• you can learn a lot about a baby from their poop.  Poop comes in many forms from seedy mustard like stuff to green leafy type stuff (the green stuff usually means they are not getting enough hind-milk) 
• babies get bored like anyone else, I have to rotate all of TC toys
• books and friendly advice is great but my instinct has been the best guide to having a happy baby.  This from the girl that never felt comfortable around babies.
• taking care of another person has made me want to take better care of myself, I would have never guess this.
• I am very judgmental of other mothers, I can't help it.  some stuff I remind myself that each baby is different and let it go but when it comes to a child's safety I get angry.  
• I'm a great mother, I didn't think I would be but I am.  I also have no problem say so :)

I know there are so many more things but I have to get some stuff done around the house while TC is napping.  

This girl right here had no idea what she was in for!

6 months

6 months have passed since my amazing little girl came into this world.  It has been the most exciting 6 months of my life.  Before she arrived I was so afraid that I would sit on her or something equally stupid and hurt or kill her.  Not only have I managed to keep h er alive she is thriving!  On any given day you can see any of the following tricks performed by our amazing little TC:

• sit herself up on her own
• army crawl with the best of them
• navigate a spoon into her mouth
• drink out of a sippy cup
• pull herself up onto her knees
• laugh like there is no tomorrow
• pull out a chunk of hair

I know she's amazing.  I can't wait to see what the next six months have to offer. 

she's a monster and she hates me

OK I am sure none of those things are true but at the moment they seem true.  She went a few nights sleeping 10-5 and I began to wonder if this was the new normal.  I don't mind one night time feeding so how she was before wasn't an issue but these past few nights she has been up 4-5 times a night and wanted to nurse every time.   I hope it's just a growth spurt or something but she doesn't seem to be sleeping more (if at all) during the day.  I know it will pass but I'm going to crazy!

 In other news Teagan has a new favorite book, she's been turning the pages and eating it.  The pages have textures which she loves.  I love that the pictures make her look like she's super smart but no, this is not inspiring me to run out and buy My Baby Can Read.  While we were at Target buying her book (and some fun bath toys since now she's a big girl bather) we ran into her doctor.  We haven't seen him since her 2 month visit because we go to the hospital on post and that's what happens.  We were chatting and I was trying to to think about the fact that he's been - well you all know where he's been.  (If you haven't been around she and I share the doctor who delivered her.)  I let him know I was bummed that I haven't been able to get an appointment with him - maybe he'll pull some strings, wishful thinking but oh well.


 

I ordered her high chair today, I am so excited for it to get here, when doing my research I saw that a lot of mommy bloggers reviewed it and LOVED it, some even have some giveaways - maybe I should contact them about that - I have more readers than many of them do and it would be nice for you all to get something. Anyway, I'm getting Joovy Nook in the black leatherette.







One more just for fun.

happy birthday

 Today is Doc's 29th birthday.  We have just been hanging around the house, his favorite thing.  TC has been in all "Daddy" clothes starting last night with her PJs and the 2 onsies she wore today.  She also helped me make a card for him (well she tried to eat the markers while I guided her hand to print "happy birthday."

I picked him up a piece of cake at Safeway and he blew out a candle, not a bad birthday for him.  Now when tomorrow comes around it's my birthday week - he knows that he gets a day and I get the rest of the week :).

TC had something she wanted to add, I think she's ready for her own blog - isn't she a talented writer?

l0i 


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