someone must think I'm pretty strong

I try to believe that God does bring you more than you can handle.  I'm not going to lie, things are really hard right now.  Our family is struggling.  I'm not afraid for our marriage, not at all.  I know we can get through this as we have before and we will be stronger for it.  We're almost 2 years removed from Doc's accident and it is still ruling our lives, I would have never thought this would be us.

I know I've been doing a lot of complaining and I still feel that I have legit arguments.  He really needs to be more than a supporting player in this family if I'm pregnant or not.  This has been kind of like the perfect storm, his symptoms came back at the same time that I'm needing more help.  In the past I picked up his slack and never complained, he was injured after all.  At this point I am just unable to be that superwoman that the wives of the wounded are expected to be. 

I had a total breakdown last night.  The night before Doc and I were talking about the pregnancy and I told him that I 100% do not want another child because I got no help this pregnancy and I can't do that again.  He never said anything and just went to bed, yesterday he told me how horrible it was of me to say that because he's hurt and is in constant pain and uncomfortable...ummmm HELLO!  I haven't complained much to him about how horrible I feel and now I'm kicking myself for it.  He was still pissed off when he came home from work and just slept on the couch.  He didn't eat dinner with us, just came in and grabbed a plate.  That's when I lost it, I was sitting with TC as she ate (I had no appetite) and I just silently bawled.  TC was so sweet, she put her hand on my arm and offered me her last sweet potato fry.  After she was done and I had time to myself I questioned myself for having a second child with this man, what was I thinking?  Then it hit me, I wont be pregnant forever, he won't be in this injury limbo forever we just need to get through this right now.

After I was done with my pity party I joined Doc and TC in the living room. Doc started to talk to me a little, I guess trying get past this fight when he got a phone call.  The PA at work was going over his x-ray results (I thought it was his MRI results but he hasn't gotten those yet) on his x-ray they found a calcified lymph node.  These can be caused by swelling which he obviously had but it can also be caused by lymphoma.  He went over his x-rays today and is pretty freaked out, he is scheduled for an emergency MRI on Monday just to look at this he also needs to get blood work done and perhaps a biopsy.  After all of this it will probably need to be removed.  Because of it's placement they will most likely have to go through his throat and cut in that way.   

I don't really know what to do with all of this.  Biopsy's have never turned out well for people I love and since his sister died of cancer it's even more important that we know what's going on.

While I still want help from him when you start talking about cancer and surgeries things are really put into perspective. 

wat too much to do

Our Thanksgiving was pretty good, I managed to get everything done that I wanted and on schedule.  The turkey could have been better, I cooked it like I always do, made sure to keep an eye on the temp but even half way through the cooking I knew it wasn't going to be great, there were almost no juices.  It was a little dry but the worst part was the gravy, we LOVE pan gravy and while there was enough for dinner the leftovers had to be cut with store gravy.  Dinner was just Doc and me, TC messed up her nap schedule and slept right through it, it's alright though, she doesn't know the difference.  Here is my plate, I didn't have stuffing.

FYI sparking cider is yummy but not nearly as good as the real stuff.

What really put a damper on the day is that Doc didn't offer to help once.  Not on Wednesday while I was prepping and not during the 3 hours that I was in the kitchen Thursday morning.  Nothing, he even groned when I asked him to take the trash out.  I let it go, not worth ruining the holiday.

The next day I always get the tree up, I spent the morning in the sitting room moving couches around and cleaning , Doc played xBox in the other room knowing it would take him forever to get the decorations out for me I did it myself.  The tote of decorations I had to dig out of my once organized garage then I dragged the tree bag into the house.  There is no way that he didn't hear me and know what I was up to.  I set up the tree myself and wrestled with the lights, a prelit tree is great but figuring out what plug goes in where is not.  There is an entire section not lit so I am just going to buy a string of lights when I go into town.

So here we are, Tuesday afternoon.  I don't think I told you yet, my father in law is flying in on Friday and will be here until at least January 6.  I am not even thinking about what that is going to be like, right now I'm concentrated on what a mess my house is!  I wanted to try to get some deep cleaning done over the weekend but after pretending I was Christmas superman I could barely move on Saturday or Sunday.  Yesterday my back was alright but the rest of me felt like crap.  After dinner I asked Doc to unload the dishwasher (again) and he said that I always ask when he's too tired.  I reminded him that I ask him when he's tired, when he's awake, when he's happy, when he's sad, when he sober, when he's drunk and he never does it.  He thought he was funny when he said that my best bet is when he's drunk.  He said just leave it and he'll do it today.  He knows very well that I can't do that, I did leave it last night but the kitchen was cleaned this morning while I gave TC breakfast.

I vacuumed the living room today but I still need to sweep and wash the tile as well as the tile in the kitchen/sitting room.  I need to finish as the nursery since that will be FIL's room.  I need to go grocery shopping.  I would love to steam clean the couches again.  You know, the big clean you do before someone comes to stay with you (not to mention that we don't have a bed or mattresses for him yet).  I have the rest of today, tomorrow, and Thursday morning to get this done.  I have an OB appointment Thursday afternoon and I errands to run in town while I'm there.  And Friday, Doc wants me and TC to drive to Phoenix with him to get his dad.  Oh and Phoenix is 3 hours away, each way.  I think I am going to tell him that my doctor said I shouldn't go.  6 hours in the car at 37 weeks pregnant does not sound like fun and I am sure TC would rather be home.  I'm an ass, I say just get his dad a bus ticket - I would never expect anyone to take a 6 hour trip to pick me up from the airport.

Now it's time to dance with my broom for a few hours :(.

TBI almost 2 years later

I recapped Doc's TBI experience in my last blog, this is what life has been like since out move to Arizona. 

When we got here things were pretty good, his job was easy and he like most of the people he worked with.  Within 2 weeks there was talk about the E6 board, R@nger School, and taking the HALO course.  Obviously the promotion board is top priority so we were pretty excited about that.  R. school was pretty funny - he was supposed to go 4 years ago when we arrived in WA but they kept pushing him back for no reason.  It was a requirement for his E5 but he got around it after the command found out how many times he was passed over simply because they couldn't spare a good medic. HALO school would just be cool, it's a hard school to get into so of course he wants to go.

To do all of these things he knew he would need to get back down to his fighting weight.  The unfortunate part of weight gain caused by medicine is it doesn't always go away when you come off the pills.  He had 30lbs to lose and he was determined to do it.  He started off by jogging at night and working out on his own time and it was going well.  He knew what he needed to do and the pace that worked best for him. 

Everything started when the new guy in charge decided that everyone needed to workout together at 6AM.  Everyone also counted on Doc to provide the workouts, he likes cross fit style stuff so that's what he was doing, maxing out and keeping up with the other guys.  This is when things started to go down hill. 

It only took a few weeks of these early workouts and his attitude changed and we were back to where we were months ago.  He was short with me and TC, he started raising his voice again, his headaches came back, and his workouts suffered. 

I started asking what was going on with the promotion board and he kept changing the subject.  I was then trying to figure out when he would be going TDY for pre HALO school training and he said that he needed a MRI.  And Rgr school - I was hoping he could go around Feb or March because that is when it would be easiest to be alone with the 2 kids but he kept pushing back on that too. 

It was been a long few months of a crabby husband who refused to help out and me feeling put down and miserable.  It has been a daily struggle, he knows that his pain and issues are real but he refuses to admit that mine are - sorry but the last few months of pregnancy are hard! 

About a month ago he got a referral to a neurologist, after all this time he still hasn't had a MRI done on his neck or back even though those were hurt in the accident.  He has his MRI tomorrow so fingers crossed on that.  Then a few weeks ago he came home complaining about his profile - I don't know much about profiles but I know that he hates that he has to be on one.  He's on a P1 now which I think is almost normal, he could go on a P2 which would outline that his injuries are deployment related and on this he could go to the promotion board without passing his PT test.  He doesn't want this, he feels like it's an easy way out. 

The issue with his PT test (which I just learned about - apparently this is why he hasn't gone to the board and he didn't tell me because he's embarrassed) is his blood pressure spikes when he works out.  He has always been a PT rock star, the extra 30lbs obviously changed this is a bit.  The run was the easiest part for him, he's a fast MFer.  After that the situps were his next best followed by push ups.  Now he is kicking ass on the pushups and doing well on the situps but doing those things puts a lot of pressure on his head so when it comes time for the run he's disoriented and slow.  Unfortunately he can't do the run first, he has to do it in the order that the army sets. 

Now with all of these issues coming up again he's worried that he wont be able to reenlist, he is afraid that everything coming back up is just never going to get better.  It's so hard, we were back on track - everything was falling into place and we had it figured out but now who knows.  And I feel horrible because I can't help but want to punch him for pushing too hard.  Maybe if he eased back into it he would have been okay but he's an all out kind of guy. 

So that's it.  He's getting a little better at listening to me when I let him know that he's over reacting or if he's having an inappropriate response to something.  He's still not helpful around the house and he's short.  Add to this the uncertainty of our future and there are things a bit tense. 

Now is the time for me to get busy, I need to start back up on my research and see what his best options are for treatment.  I know this is what he wants to do so I am going to do everything I can to make sure he tries everything.  The Dr he works with said he was right a referral for HBOT so we just need to see if anyone will take him (I'll be contacting you soon Cheryl!)

Now that we're all on the same page I can get back to my usual blogging.

Doc's TBI, a recap

I tried twice to post something that was happy and not TBI related but I failed miserable both times.  I don't know if I really am ready to be back in this situation again so I'm trying to pretend it doesn't exist which isn't working out well.


Months back Doc got Botox injections in his neck to help with the swelling and relieve some of the pressure from his head.   That seemed to work really well but as any of A&E's housewives will tell you Botox isn't forever.  I think that wearing off in combination of him hitting the gym as hard as he has and whatever else he's dealing with has brought us back to were we were 7 months ago.

I have some new followers (hi, welcome!) so I will do a little recap of what his TBI has meant for us.  In January 2010 his vehicle rolled off of a cliff in Iraq.  He was knocked around and knocked out.  When he came to he was totally pinned down and on his head with the butt of one weapon in his face and the barrel of another staring him in the eyes.  Thank God he had his helmet on and that the owner of the second weapon had the safety on.  Most of his head injuries are a result of being hit directly in the face, it makes for a different type of injury.  He broke a bone in his cheek.  They wanted to airlift him right away but he talked them out of it, he was the only medic they had and didn't want them to scrap all of their missions until his replacement arrived.  He continued to run missions for the next few weeks until he hopped a flight home to be home while I delivered TC. 

Moments after he was removed from the vehicle, I am told the swelling got about 100 times worse.

The first issues were headaches and a stiff neck, they showed up a few weeks after he arrived home, we were told it's post concussive syndrome and should go away.  He also started to get very short with me, I didn't connect the dots on that right away.  Then he started to forget things, what he went the store to buy, his beret for work, and then it escalated to him getting disoriented and forgetting where he was or how he got there or even how to get home. Add the inability to get quality sleep to that.  Working out became impossible, the stiff neck and headaches were one thing but his blood pressure would spike to unhealthy numbers during every workout. 

He was prescribed a different pill for each issue.  He was taking about 12 pills a day on any given day.  Each pill had a side effect of weight gain.  He put on 30lbs in about 5-6 weeks, that did nothing to help his depression.  The TBI clinic at Ft. Lewis did their testing and dismissed him because his scores were still pretty high, Doc happens to be extremely bright - without a baseline it was impossible for the test to show anything.  (Thanks to this everyone in Doc's Battalion and maybe across the regiment now has a baseline on file for these tests)  He went to the TBI classes and was reprimanded for doodling during class (which has been proven to help students to retain information) and not participating in open discussions.  You can't really blame him, the class was full of people just trying to get out of the army while Doc was doing all he could to stay in.  His relationship with that clinic ended with the head doctor telling him that "he's seen worse" and basically just suck it up.  It wasn't until one of Doc's friends also who had been seen at the TBI clinic overdosed on the outdated drugs he was prescribed by said doctor and died.  Doc was on staff duty that night and was the one to find him and first to work on him, it was horrible and seeing that.  The next day the clinic, trying to cover their ass, called Doc to have him come in for his sever cognitive issues.  He was already receiving care elsewhere by then, it had been several months.

Doc worked with the PA for his battalion and neurology in the hospital.  But things didn't really get better.  He became depressed, developed social anxiety and became even harder to live with.  He couldn't handle shopping malls or stores during the holidays.  The loud music, bright colors, crowds were too stimulating.  He needed to shop only where things were organized and laid out exactly as he would need them.  This is around the time that we started seeing a counselor who works only with Special Operations guys at Lewis & McChord AFB.  That really helped.  We were in a state of limbo, not sure if we would have to leave the army or not. 

This all continued for months, there would be moments, even a few weeks where he was symptomless or hid it from me - it was almost like I had my old husband back.  When those periods were over it came back twice as bad.  Before the accident he never yelled at me, we argued like married folks do but he never raised his voice to me but the man who came home seemed to do it on a daily basis and to this days he still does it a few times a week.  I told myself I would never be with a man who treats me this way but what can you do when you know this isn't really who he is?

So fast forward to this past spring, a good 15 months since the accident.  He was finally getting involved with the care coalition (for wounded special operators), started getting PT and massages and finally the Botox injections.  It felt like we were finally being taken care of.  He was also on the waiting list for TBI treatment in Texas when the job here in AZ opened up.  He took himself off of the list so we could make the move here.  This job is such low stress and the hours are great for him.  We were hoping this would really give him a chance to fully recover. 

But here we are, once again trying to get a few steps ahead.  If you made it through all of that you deserve a sticker.  My next post will be about what's going on now.

back to this again

I'm feeling very sorry for myself today.  It seems that many of the TBI issues that we thought were gone are coming back.  I should have seen it coming but I kept making excuses for his behavior - honestly I didn't want to even say it to myself.  I will get more into it in the upcoming weeks but today I am missing this guy.

San Antonio May 2006 while in AIT

love hate relationship with facebook

Facebook is great for seeing what people are up to or reconnecting with people from your past.  As someone who lives over 3000 miles from home it gives me an easy way to stay connected to family and share my kids with them.  And it's a great time suck when you are procrastinating.  I think we all know it's not all good.

Last December things started going downhill with my grandmother.  I posted about it here.  Since then she hasn't been doing well, her dementia has her confusing her visitors and even forgetting that my dad and aunt have died.  It's horrible to say but I am glad to not see her this way.  As much as I wish I could be there to hold her hand and let her call me John if she wants I have the memory of a perfect last visit with her.

This morning I was actually being productive while TC was down for her nap.  I sat down to check FB and I saw this post from my uncle's wife (she's never really been an "aunt"):

Isn't that how everyone hopes to hear that their grandmother is a week or so from death?  And the "yikes what a day" was the cherry on the pie, sorry that YOU are having a bad day but this is my grandmother we are talking about. 

I immediately got on the phone with my sister D and ask if she knows anything and tell her about the FB post.  I felt horrible bringing her down from the excitement of last night.  She had no idea and decided to call the uncle in charge of Gram's care.  This is one of the most soft spoken men you could ever meet, every thing he says is well thought out and to the point.  His reaction is "that fucking bitch, I hope she gets run over by a fucking truck".  He was planning on making calls this afternoon after Gram is situated and he's had a chance to process everything.

After I spoke to D I called my sister M and told her and she said she would call my stepmother's family (who loves my Gram like she was one of theirs) and some other people.  All the while I am a bawling mess, my poor sisters don't know what to do with me, I'm so far away and I can't travel so late in my pregnancy.  When we enter military life we know that we will be moving away, missing weddings, births, all sorts of things.  The happy occasions suck to miss but I can deal, this is the hardest thing I will miss.  I can't believe I wont be at my grandmother's funeral.  After deployments this is the second hardest thing about this life.

The FB offender did offer a single sentence apology message saying she didn't know we didn't know.  I will be deleting her soon but I want to leave my comment up on her page, my maiden name in on my FB so all her friends will see what an asshole she is for posting before everyone in the family knew.  Will it change what happened?  Nope, but nothing will change that.

The worst part is that I am feeling more angry than sad right now, I wish I could just have the regular range of emotions because now I have to wait for the sadness to really hit and I will be a bawling mess all over again.

The moral of today's story - better safe than sorry with facebook.

I promised I wouldn't tell...

...but you guys wont tell anyone (I'm looking at you Amanda, the only one who really knows her).  My sister just called and she's pregnant!  They've been trying for around 6 months and getting really discouraged.  She called me on her way home from work and told me that she was going to test tonight - yay! 

She is telling her in-laws tonight since they live in the same town.  She said she was telling his family on Thanksgiving and might wait until the week before Christmas to tell our family.  I reminded her that things don't go over well when our family is kept in the dark (referencing the drama she started when TC was born)... I feel bad because she can't wait the 12+ weeks most people like to wait because she takes dental x-rays at work so everyone at work will know as soon as she stops doing those.  If everyone at work knows it sucks to not be able to tell your family.

So here is hoping for a sticky baby and a new niece or nephew for me come the end of July!

getting there

First I want to say thank you for all of the support after my last post.  I went back and forth about mentioning it at all, I know there are people who are in the "don't air your dirty laundry" camp but obviously I am not one of them.  You all gave such great advice.

I'm not sure if he sensed something or if he *gasp* read my blog (which he has my support if he ever chooses to do so) but he came up to me on Sunday evening as I was cooking dinner asked what was wrong so I gave him the abridged version of what I wrote.  Since his injury I can't really come at him with a lot of information at once so if I break things up there is a much better chance that he'll retain what I'm saying without feeling attacked.  After dinner he gathered the dishes and loaded them in teh dishwasher. 

Let's face it, this is a huge ego thing for both of us.  For him, he's the man and for me I'm a college educated former marketing wiz.  The idea of rubber gloves and mops doesn't appeal to either of us.  I even hate doing my normal vacuuming and stuff while he's home because it makes me feel beneath him.  There is no reason for that I just can't get over it. 

Yesterday he was picking on me for being pissy and while he thinks it's just harmless joking I told him that to me it feels like he's just picking me apart.  I am sure I am over reacting a little because I'm a giant whale who can't bend over to pick up a sock with out getting winded but I can't help it.  Once we put TC down for her nap I got out the dust rags and got started in the living room.  He wasn't 100% helpful but he did put away all of the xBox stuff we that he had laying around.  He got to see just how much goes into a basic cleaning of the living room/toy room.  With a dog who is STILL shedding his Washington coat for Arizona weather  everything needs to be dusted, the tiles swept then vacuumed, the area rug vacuumed (which takes 4 runs with the vacuum because it's 4 years old and even if I do it every other day it's covered in dog hair), TC's toys washed and organized (and weeded - if she hasn't played with it in a while it's gone).  It's about a 90 job and that's without cleaning the windows or washing the floor.  We've decided to get a Dyson with our tax return, I am far too excited for this.

As for what he does, he's always done his own laundry mostly because he and I don't get dressed in the same area, he has his own bathroom and in our last house his closet was in the office.  He leaves his clothes all over the floor dirty and clean alike so I never know what is what.  If I'm doing laundry I'll ask if he has anything to toss in but unless it's in my hamper I don't wash it on my own.  I've told him he's more than welcome to toss his clothes into my hamper to be washed but he doesn't.  He's never washed diapers, he cleans them when he changes her but as for actually washing them, nope.  He tried to object when I told him to remove the liners before putting them in the pail but quickly saw why it made it easier for me.  Yesterday I did let his dishes collect on the counter before I pointed them all out as I was putting them in the dishwasher.  I can't leave them out overnight, we've seen a few giant roaches in the house without leaving food out, I don't want to invite them in!  He didn't even realize that he left them out and apologized.  Oh, and as much as he thinks I should make him lunch I never do.

It may be a slow process but I think it will get better.  I don't want to not cook for him because that would be a punishment to myself because I love cooking and having dinner as a family.  I could withhold sex but honestly at this point that's not an issue, I'm so fat and gross he's lucky I let him sleep in the same room as me.  But without the pregnancy, I've never wanted to use sex as punishment or reward, not that I feel like there is anything wrong if that's what works for others but for me I like to keep as many problems as possible out of the bedroom.  I think we all know that when I man helps out we can't help but be more attracted to him and well...you know.

So that's where we are, I will get started on the clutter if for no other reason than I want to have that space for my Christmas decorations.  And when I say clutter it's not hoarders bad it's some magazines I might not ever read, some papers to be files, so disposable diapers we had out for our trip to the zoo, maybe a few random socks all piled up.  I'll take before, after, and decorated pictures (motivation).  Perhaps I need to get pinning on Pinterest for some easy organization...

defeated

I could just cry.  I don't know what else to do, I have told him countless times that I need help.  We talked about it in counseling before we moved that I would need help.  I brought it up last night, I need help.  I know that playing video games is more fun than cleaning, I know everything is more fun than cleaning but it needs to be done.  I know it's easy when you don't have to be the primary caretaker for the kid - you get the snuggles and love without preparing the meals or being the bad guy.

I've tried "striking" but then things just get left undone.  I've tried bribing him but I just get a half assed job and an expectation of a reward the next time I ask.  I've cried, I've begged, I've waddled around him while I cleaned.  I've yelled, I've reasoned but in the end it's all on me. 

I know you are probably reading this thinking as a stay at home mom it's my job to keep the house and cook the food or that I knew what I was getting into or even that you wouldn't put up with it.  Well, Doc currently works around 25 hours a week, we are lucky with this job and it's the slow period right now.  He has more down time at home which also means more time to contribute to the mess and more demands on me (I don't know where he ever got the idea that I would be making him lunch).  As for knowing what I was getting into, he wasn't always like this and before we had a kid the house wasn't nearly as hard to keep clean.  He's progressively gotten worse.  And finally, not putting up with it - what should I do pack my bags and leave the man I love because he won't help around the house as if that trumps all of the amazing things about him?

It comes down to me just not knowing what to do other than suck it up and do it myself.  I just spent 2 hours cleaning floors and scrubbing chairs and that was just in the kitchen/dining/sitting room area.  I still need to finish washing the floor and the counters need a major decluttering.  I can't ever get to the clutter because, like now, I am beyond exhausted from what I just did. 

This morning was a new low, he woke up early and was up when TC woke up so that was nice but when I got up their cereal bowls were on the counter, instead of taking the trash out he just started another bag next to the trash can (that was a new one) and something in there leaked so I had to clean that up too.  The dishwasher was open because he had to get a bowl but all the other dishes were still in there.  All of this after last night when specifically asking him to help me.  I just don't understand why it is so hard so pitch in even a small amount.

If it was in the budget I would hire someone to come and help but it's just not.  I can't spend more than a hour or so cleaning until my contractions start and by the time I'm ready to start again I have to redo everything I just cleaned.  There really is no other word but defeated.

Someday...

This week the reenlistment officer was on post, Doc spoke to him about his options.  He's up to reenlist in February and there is no question this time - he's doing it.  He has his eyes on the prize, PA school and a happy retirement one day.  We did get some good news, he can re up for 5 years guaranteed to stay in JSOC (joint special operations command) and get a nice bonus to boot.  The JSOC contingency is huge, since Doc is such a highly trained medic (he did the regular medic training plus an extended trauma training) and has more combat experience than most it isn't unheard of for some deploying unit to try and scoop guys like him up.  It's not that he's a Special Ops snob but they do things a lot differently than conventional units and if he's going to deploy again (like he would love) he wants to do it with his brothers.

So we are blessed, things seem to be coming together.  Once he finishes PA school - down the road - the odds of going straight back to a Special Ops unit aren't great but that is something that we are ready for. 

When this new contract is up Doc will have 11 years in which means we are lifers.  May as well to at least 20 and get a nice retirement. 

We decided a while ago that the first house we buy will be the last house we buy and it will be our forever home in New England.  We were day dreaming about it yesterday, I picture something like this:

from http://www.freegreen.com/green-home-build-story-needham-ma-house/image.axd?picture=Final+Glazer+Photo.jpg

We would like to live in a Boston suburb so Doc can work in the city and it will be an easy ride into the Garden when he has his Bruins season tickets.  I just want big windows and mature trees so I can enjoy the fall.  I want a nice front porch with a tin roof so I can listen to the rain ping off.  After years of cramming myself in a tiny tub I want a big soaking tub.  We want a yard and maybe a pool, a hot tub for sure.  A place for me to craft and paint, a place for the kids to hang out, they will be in high school/college and I would love for our house to be the house they choose to hang out in - maybe a game room over the garage.  If you know anything about Boston real estate you know we will also need $1-2 million dollars but who knows, maybe some day.

11-11 and every day

Thankful doesn't begin to say it.  I never fully understood until I became an army wife, I still can't imagine walking a mile in my husband's boots.

An out of focus picture of a soldier returning home from his first deployment and a wife who didn't want to let go. (2008)

getting there

It's official, I'm uncomfortable.  But this means that I am almost done so yay.  The insomnia has kicked in too, I am waking up around 4:30 to pee and that's it for the day.  I've gone back to a cup of tea in the morning and that seems to help.  Baths are my favorite place, I don't feel so heavy in the water.

It's crazy to think that this is the last time I will do this.  I know Doc would like another but I'm good.  And once I really am done I will have 2 kids to not screw up.

TC has no idea still.  She knows my belly is bigger now but nothing else.  I've tried to get her to feel the movement or even just watch it but she still doesn't care.  She is weird though, she pushes her table around the living room then gets a chair to sit in, the last few months she's been bringing both chairs over, maybe she's waiting for her sister (or maybe she has a paranormal activity type of imaginary friend who wants to kill us all).

I figure that by late January I should be a good mom again.  By then I will have somewhat of a schedule down with the new one and a fairly regular sleep schedule.  TC will finally get her mom back - I can't wait to have the energy I need to truly engage her again.  Until then I will take our snuggles and down time and cherish these last weeks with her as an only child.

This morning she crawled on the couch and rested her head on my belly, it was a perfect moment.

I'm on to you buddy

After being on my feet all day getting Adair's doctor situation figured out and a little shopping in town.  Then scouring the commissary for "food, because we have none - just our normal food".  (Nice Doc thanks.) I asked Doc to cut the grass, we just got a mower so it really needed to be done.  He said he wasn't feeling well so he didn't want to do it.  I wasn't feeling well and I didn't feel like going to the commissary but guess what, I did it because it didn't to be done.

While I was cooking dinner I threw on my rain boots and fired up the mower.  Rain boots because I'm afraid of the bugs and snakes that could have been hiding in the grass.  Doc came out and gave me a big WTF.  Maybe cutting the lawn at 33 weeks isn't the best idea but you know what is a good idea?  Showing your husband that it's not that hard to just suck it up and get it done. 

I left about half to still be done, I wonder which of us will do it tomorrow. 

Passive aggressive?  Sure but if you're well enough to focus on video games all day the you're well enough to push the world's lightest lawn mower around (it's electric and made out of plastic).  Some days I know that he's having a bad day and some days I know that he's using the excuse to get out of doing things.  What really gave it away was when he wasn't up to eating the dinner I made for us (he played xbox while TC & I ate) but he was just fine to enjoys some of my homemade pie and some corn chips...

One of those days.

confessions

Monday is a good day to get things off of my chest so here are some of my confessions.

I confess...

...I found an old picture of Doc and me that was folded up and beaten up and it made me feel very loved, I bet that picture spent at least 5 years in Doc's wallet.

...there is a black ring on my toilet where the water stops and I can't get rid off it.

...most baby books would have me arrested for taking such a hot bath last night.

...the next time I see that kid cutting between mine and the house next door I'm going to have words with him.  There are about 20 feet between the houses and he likes to look in my window.

...my house is a big mess, it's "clean" as far as dishes and food and nastiness sitting out but I can't get ahead of the dog hair and I can't swifter more than a small area at a time so the tile really needs a wash (but I'm tell you all about it instead of doing anything about it).

...I need to get my house sprayed by the bug guy next time he's on post, I've seen 2 nasty roaches and I am so afraid of them.  One came in the AC vent and the other up the sink drain.  I loved the Washington did not have this problem, roaches there pretty much meant you were gross.

...there are 10 empty frames hanging on my living room wall, I bought a set of them from target to see how they would look next to the mirror and now I can't decide what pictures to put in there.  I need to figure it out because I'll be getting 10 more for the other side of the mirror.

...Doc has the night shift tonight and I'm hoping the wind doesn't pick up and the jumps are canceled because I am looking forward to a little alone time after TC goes to bed tonight. 

...most of my shirts show the bottom of my belly, I don't remember what I wore at this point last time.

...I want to decorate for Christmas now, I wont but I REALLY want to.

oh husband...

Everyday it's something different.  Being married to Doc keeps me on my toes that is for sure. 

He's been getting ready to start HALO school which means a flight physical then some work in one of those skydive chambers.  He would have to go to San Antonio for the chamber work and originally I thought he would be gone this weekend but he's here.  I asked him today when he was planning on going since there are some pretty big dates coming up on our calendars.  He looked at me like I'm an idiot and said "I might not be going since I can't get my flight physical cleared" in a you know this tone.

Really?  So I asked him what was wrong with the physical, I know his cholesterol test came back high last week so I thought maybe that was it.  But no, it's his head.  Apparently, it's always his head.  I should be used to this.  What's driving me nuts is that he's still working out like there is nothing wrong with him.  Today he worked so hard in the gym that he can't really walk and he also maxed out on bench press, pullups and squats.  Maxing out puts so much pressure on his head.  I don't know what he's thinking.  Well, I know what he's thinking - he wants his old body back but at what cost?

He had an x-ray this week which showed he has some minor arthritis in his back due to the accident.  Next week she should be getting an MRI on his neck and back, can you believe that the only MRI he's had was just on his head?  He also had a dentist appointment which shows that his teeth are damaged from the accident - this could be another reason for the headaches.

It's just crazy, we are moving along just fine for a few months then suddenly BAM a huge setback. 

I wonder how much his stress level has to do with his returning symptoms, it seems that a lot of this came up after learning that his friend was KIA.  He has so much guilt about not being there with him, he wants to deploy again, really wants to deploy again.  I told him that if he wants to leave here after our commitment is up and go back to a rapid deploy unit I will not fight him.  These are his 20 years, he didn't join the army sit around.  But if he can't pass a flight physical I doubt he's ready to deploy - but that's not saying that he can't find a doctor to sign off on him going. 

So that's where we are right now, luckily with this set back he hasn't been as moody as with others.  I could still use more some help around the house but I'm not feeling alone or neglected and that's where it really matters. 

boo

My turn to talk about my kid on Halloween.  The plan was to put her little costume on and hit 2 houses and come back and pass out candy.  Doc didn't want to come because trick or treating is "stupid" (much like Santa last year and he missed out on that first meeting).  I've decided not to fight him on these things, I'm sorry his childhood sucked but these are going to be fun memories for TC so if he's planning on bitching he can stay home.  Anyway...as we were getting ready he said he wanted to come, I was super excited but played it cool, I didn't want to scare him off.

It was such a fun time, TC was so into it.  We've been working on "trick or treat" for a while but it comes out more like "trii r treee".  I figure if you're old enough to walk the rout you're old enough to trick or treat.  Most importantly she says thank you so we're good.  She was dressed as a bee, I was ready with black pants and a black top for under her costume but since it was 90 out she went pantsless.  I think that's why she was such a hit, she still has that baby chub on her legs which was beyond cute as she ran from house to house.  She is so social, she'll "talk" to anyone for as long as they will listen and every kid she saw got a "hi".

This was also a first for us, this was our first Halloween living on post, oh my God were there a lot of families out!  And this is a small post.  People seemed to really get into it, it was great.  Also, while we were out we left a bowl of candy with a "take 2" note and there was still candy in the bucket when we got back!

I am even more excited about next year, she was so amped this year, next year she'll really know what's going on.

And now what you've all been waiting for (Doc had my camera and didn't get any of her running or talking or even smiling, he needs to learn how to work that thing!):

On our way out!

She had no idea what was going on but she was excited.

Her first house!

Shorts on Halloween?!  When I was a kid you had to fit a snowsuit under your costume.

I'm too lazy to actually make this picture look alright, it came out really dark.

The bucket was full so we went home.

Checking out her loot, she wanted to stay in her costume, she even put it on this morning.

No, she didn't eat the snickers - she had nerds ;)