forget baby steps!

When the Bruins lost the Stanley Cup I thought for sure Doc would go into a deep depression that I would have to tip toe around until the start of the next season.  The season was a HUGE distraction for us (mostly him).  Had they won he would have had a few weeks of post win distraction, but they didn't, they lost in the ugliest fashion. 

Last week Doc surprised me by researching a local place where he could go and (he would kill me if he knew I was telling you this because it is SO nerdy, he's really not a nerd!) play a competitive card game, are you ready for this...Magic.  He played the online version and and did really well so he figured this might be a good way for him to get out of the house and maybe meet new people.

This would have been hard for him even before his accident because he has little patience for people who aren't like him.  Maybe that is the PC thing to say but to be honest Doc isn't a PC kind of guy.  Since the accident his TBI has given him serious social anxiety.  He hates meeting new people and gets frazzled, loses his speech, twitches...all things that make him very self conscious.  He also has trouble in crowds, he can't differentiate the sounds of people talking to him from the sounds of the crowd around him.  On top of this, he has an issue with small places, the claustrophobia comes from being pinned under everyone and everything not tied down when the vehicle overturned.  Knowing all of these things about himself he still wanted to put himself out there.

He went the first night and said he wasn't sure that it was something that he wanted to do but he would go back the next night to try to get into some games.  He was unsure about the guys there, there was some military guys but also quite a few guys who could guest star on The Big Bang Theory (not because they are smart but because of their smugness - like Sheldon).  He went back the next night, he was even less impressed than the first night but he was determined to at least try a tournament.  He really didn't want to go, but he really didn't want to quit.  He went the third night for a tournament, it was miserable for him, he came home early.

I told him that he didn't have to push himself, I was so proud that he even tried.  Really, you have no idea how big this was.  He wont be going back and that's alright - I really can't believe he tried.

♥ - Amber

Shameless vote request

I wasn't going to do this again but here I am.  If you would like please click on the image below and vote for my little blog of the Top 25 Military Moms blogs.  There is no email or anything required and you can vote daily (I will put the widget on my sidebar).  You all were amazing enough to get me in the top 5 last year and I really appreciate it. 

   
     

♥ - Amber

My fitness journey

Hopefully this photo of me a 148 can serve as a before picture.  I look like an oreo cookie with my super white midsection.

It is a struggle, I struggle daily against what I want and what I want for myself.  I am lucky because I have never really had a weight problem, but I have been really skinny in the past.  I've been a few kinds of skinny, I was the skinny where I spent 25 hours a week in the gym and spent my evenings eating ice cream or drinking at a club.  I've been the kind of skinny when I was just so stressed out that no matter what I ate nothing stuck.  Both of those times I was around 120-125, at 5'7" I was feeling pretty good about that. 

These days I know that while 125 is technically possible it's not at all probable and I am fine with that.  A lot of time has passed since then and I've got 2 beautiful girls who have helped shape this new body.  That being said, I have never bought into the theory that I can never be sexy again because I have kids.  People do it all the time, I just need to accept my new sexy.  I don't want to be so driven by the numbers on the scale that I miss out on life.  If I can find myself at a happy weight of 135-140 and really feel healthy and happy that is where I will be.  I know I can stay there and not feel guilty about an occasional ice cream sundae or trip to the pizza joint.

To do this I am once again using MyFitnessPal to track calories.  I kind of fast tracked myself to a healthy 1200 net calories a day.  That means if I burn 300 calories working out I can eat 1500 calories that day.  I love this because it really gets me thinking about what I am putting in my body and why.  I was pissed when I realized the handful of gummy bears I ate cost me 140 calories and and didn't satisfy a craving of stop a hunger, I ate them because they were there. For breakfast I usually have a coffee and a smoothie, my smoothies are usually around 400 calories which took a lot of getting used to - it seems like so many but I'm over that.  I can drink it all morning and I don't snack and I am getting so many fruits and veggies that keep me energized. 

At the end of the day you complete your food diary and it tells you what you will weigh in 5 weeks if you keep these habits up, while that is a useful feature it is also pretty dangerous.  When I first started I was eating my 1200 but also burning around 300-400 a day so my net was between 800-900 calories.  All I was paying attention to was the "You will weight 140lbs in 5 weeks if you keep this up" and ignoring my lightheadedness and constantly tiredness.  Then I kicked myself in the ass, I am doing this to be healthy and set a good example for my girls - overdoing it and depriving myself was just the opposite of that.  I know that if I want to splurge I should do some extra workouts that day or just accept that I will be over my calories for the day - neither is really the end of the world.

I know I am doing the right thing when my girls see someone exercising and they say, "they are going to be healthy and strong!" and not "they aren't going to be fat".  Fat is an F-word in this house and we don't say it.  We also don't diet, we make healthy choices.

If you want to keep up with me and read my food diary on MyFitnessPal you can find me under ambabryant. (No, this is not at all sponsored by this app - it is just the one I happen to use.)

♥ - Amber

crickets, I hear them

I think about blogging every day, sometimes I get one of those "oh I should blog about that right away" ideas and as quickly as it came it's gone again. 

This being on hold thing is hard.  Doc talked to his care coalition rep earlier in the week and he said there has been no change with his case.  So as usual we know nothing.  I am sure I could fill pages with my frustration over this but I wont - that's just too depressing.

It's hot here, I could talk to you about that but, well, I live in the desert so that's not very exciting.  It has been months, like 3 or 4, since I've seen even a drop of rain.  I can't even begin to tell you how amazing cuddling up in a hoodie & sweats with the windows open letting in the sound and smell of rain sounds.  Add a grilled cheese and tomato soup and I would swear that I was in heaven.  But I live in the desert...

I could tell you all sorts of stories about my girls, they are really cracking me up these days but I am struggling with this too.  I don't think of myself as a real mommy blogger, more a mom who blogs so I don't want to suddenly shift all of my focus onto them.  There are also something that I want to keep for our family.  Some moments are too special to just give away.

You would probably be happy to hear that Doc and I are doing really well.  He still drives me nuts on a daily basis but we have more laughs than anything else.  Since we are both home all the time I think it's pretty amazing that we haven't killed each other.

It will come, I would rather be quieter around here than blogging about random crap just to blog. 

Is there anything you would like to hear about?

♥ - Amber

Another plan change, but a good one!

Doc was feeling very guilty about me canceling my plans to go home for the OAR concert (you can read my initial excitement here and the disappointment here).  He kept telling me that I have to go, just go, if I don't go I will regret it.  GO!  So guess what, I'm going!  He promised me that if he runs into any trouble he will call his friends for help with the girls.  I know he will, he wont let anything happen to them.

I am taking an overnight flight arriving in Boston Friday morning then I will return back to Arizona on Monday night, so 4 full days without my little loves.  I don't even know what to expect.  Tears, I know there will be tears, at least from me.  When my sister in law tried to guilt me into bringing the girls I realized that I have not spent a kidless night since TC was born.  She turned 3 in February.  The only night I spent away from her I was in the hospital with a newborn Addie and I hauled ass out of there after one night so I could be back with both of my girls. 

Want to know a sadder truth?  Doc and I haven't had a date since we had TC either.  But that is a different post.

I am so excited, my sister is picking me up and I know it will be nonstop until I get back on the plane Monday night but it will be the best kind of busy.  I think it will be just long enough that while I will miss my kids I wont be heart broken and no fun to be around.  The 3 hour drive from the airport in Phoenix to Yuma will feel like a lifetime I am sure.

♥ - Amber

The Creed

2006 -  brand new Ranger

Often I am drawn back to the Ranger Creed.  I have vivid memories of sitting in my bed in my Rhode Island apartment on the phone with Doc as he went over every syllable of that creed until it wasn't just memorized but engrained in his very being.  If he was going to be a Ranger, he was going to have to be the creed.

Recognizing that I volunteered as a Ranger, fully knowing the hazards of my chosen profession, I will always endeavor to uphold the prestige, honor, and high esprit de corps of my Ranger Regiment.

Acknowledging the fact that a Ranger is a more elite soldier who arrives at the cutting edge of battle by land, sea, or air, I accept the fact that as a Ranger my country expects me to move further, faster and fight harder than any other soldier.

Never shall I fail my comrades. I will always keep myself mentally alert, physically strong and morally straight and I will shoulder more than my share of the task whatever it may be, one-hundred-percent and then some.

Gallantly will I show the world that I am a specially selected and well-trained soldier. My courtesy to superior officers, neatness of dress and care of equipment shall set the example for others to follow.

Energetically will I meet the enemies of my country. I shall defeat them on the field of battle for I am better trained and will fight with all my might. Surrender is not a Ranger word. I will never leave a fallen comrade to fall into the hands of the enemy and under no circumstances will I ever embarrass my country.

Readily will I display the intestinal fortitude required to fight on to the Ranger objective and complete the mission though I be the lone survivor.

Rangers Lead The Way!!!

I remember the day he put on that tan beret for the first time, he and his classmates had just finished the Ranger Indoctrination Program (now replaced by the Ranger Assessment and Selection Program) and I was so proud of him standing there at his graduation.  He even lead the prayer before the graduation began.  They stood shoulder to shoulder and recited this creed, each so proud and ready to live these words.  

I remember pinning that scroll to his shoulder, knowing that our lives were from that moment on forever changed. 

I have been pretty nostalgic about all of this.  The Medboard process is killing him.  I have never seen him so beaten down.  He is taking it out on his own body, gaining weight, letting his hair grown for months without a cut, not shaving.  It's heartbreaking to watch.  I guess waiting around for months with nothing but the list of your physical and mental limitations hanging over your head is enough to break even the strongest Ranger's will.  

I am happy to say that he is starting to try to change, we bought him a mountain bike so at least now he will be able to get out on his own and get some exercise.  Hopefully bike riding wont hurt he head as much as every other physical activity does.  

As always, RANGERS LEAD THE WAY!

♥ - Amber

my little sunshines

I sing "You Are My Sunshine" to my girls but I change the word "only" to "little" since I have 2 sunshines.  Anyway...my girls are amazing.  They are the reason I am out of bed at the ass crack of dawn but I couldn't ask for better faces to wake up to.

I've been pretty nostalgic these days, looking back at vintage TC really makes me appreciate where she is now and makes me even more excited about what the next year holds for Addie.  Check out this side by side:

They are exactly the same age in these pictures.  I love how similar they are.  I never really saw how alike they are until I compared these pictures.  Their personalities are really different, TC is exactly like me (the poor thing) but Addie seems to be acting more and more like Doc.

I am having so much fun watching them interact and push each others' buttons.  TC is slowing learning that as Addie grows her days of being a push over are over.  I see many power struggles in their future as sisters. 

It not only provides me with endless entertainment (and quite a few frustrated moments) it also builds their character.  I hope they are able to fine a happy medium at some point.

♥ - Amber

the cut

Last week I finally had it done, cut off TC's hair.  It wasn't nearly as emotional as I thought it would be, mostly because I had to be strong when she seemed a little unsure.  Since it was done we haven't had any tantrums about hair brushing so I say it was a win.  Although there is quite a bit of wave/curl it still looks really cute.  The stylist used a blow dryer and flat iron, hah - it will never look like that again.

All and all, she did great.  I may have used an iPad to bribe her into sitting still but it worked like a charm.  When she was done the entire salon was making a big deal over her and she was a little uncomfortable with that so she shut down a bit but I really couldn't have been prouder of her.

Her beautiful hair before, if only it looked like this all the time!

No going back now!

I asked several times to please make the initial cut at least 8 inches, she didn't so unfortunately it can't be donated.

Looking a little confused.

I am so proud of this kid!

Momma, please don't let everyone look at me!

Styled by Momma.

She seems to like it, honestly she doesn't care.  This hair seems to suit her personality a little better which I never thought I would say!  I do miss her long beautiful hair at times but for now, this is what was best for both of us.

♥ - Amber

well that's dandy! (self funded dress review)

I've said it before and I am sure I will say it again, when I find something I like I just have to share it.  Recently I purchased the cutest dress from an even cuter boutique.  For full disclosure I found this boutique myself and paid for the dress myself.

I really wanted to share this with you because I love the thought of a small business run by a woman.  I think it's important to remember the little guy (or lady) when you can.  If you are near Enterprise, AL be sure to check out the brick and mortar store, from the pictures it looks super cute!

If you are on Pinterest, and pretty much everyone is, you've probably seen this pin:

Well I saw it, loved it, pinned it and had to have it.  Unfortunately I was not the only one with that idea, it seems that everyone loved it and when I contacted the Dandy Lion Boutique about it not only were they sold out but their pre orderes were sold out!  But they did say to watch on Facebook because they would post as soon as some were available.  I am so glad I did because I was fianlly able to get my hands on this dress in navy blue.

It arrived super fast via USPS and I loved to see that they took their time to decorated the otherwise boring shipping bag with fun colored duct tape and hand write my shipping info.  When I opened it not only did I find my dress (I swear it was smiling at me) but also a hand written thank you note!  Who does that any more?  It is defiantly nice to feel appreciated.  I know I bought the dress but it was still like getting a gift in the mail!

The dress itself is just as described on the website, a spandex/rayon mix.  Not my favorite type of fabric but it will be cool in the 115º heat.  I ordered a medium with seems perfect, I was nervous about the length because as 5'7" I've had those issues in the past but this seems perfect.  My one issue is how thin the fabric actually is, for some it might not be an issue but I wasn't 100% comfortable but that was an easy fix with a slip (yes they still make those!) and now it's perfect.

TC told me I look so beautiful.  Can't argue with that.

My true test was showing Doc, he always has something to say about my fashion choices when it's a little diferent from my normal shorts and tank top uniform.  Even he liked it!

♥ - Amber

honest mom moment

While I watched TC run and play in the splash pad I was so content.  She just lost herself in the moment and did what kids do best - played.  These moments, these are the ones I will hold on to as she grows.

I am so blessed to spend so much time with my girls, had Doc not been injured I probably would have been back to work long ago (score one to TBI I guess).  The life of a stay at home mom was never one that I wanted but here I am trying to enjoy as much as I can.   

All your life you are told to hold on each moment because it's fleeting.  For me it started in high school, you know, glory days and all.  I can't remember how many times I was told that those would be the best moments of my life.  Then I went to college and high school was a distant memory - something that I am glad to have experienced but not something I particularly want to repeat.  That cycle continues throughout your life but never as much as when you have kids.  Hopefully, if I am living my life right, at the end of my life, whenever that is, I will feel like the other stages of my life were great that last stage was the best.

As a stay at home mom my kids are always with me, always.  Always.  TC's latest thing is touching me, she wants to sit right next to me and lean on me, always.  If she isn't on me she has to be touching me, a hand a foot - something.  Sounds sweet doesn't it, she loves her momma.  Well it drives me nuts!  Insane.  I need my space and I have no problem telling her that there is time for cuddles and time just just leave momma the eff alone (OK I don't say that but you get the idea).

So I have this to say to all of those oh so helpful pinterest graphics telling me that I will never have this day again - THANK GOD!  Some days are gems and I am sure as they grow I will long for afternoon TV cuddles but I doubt that I will think, "Boy, I was really crabby on June 4th 2013, I wish I let my kids climb all over me like they wanted.".

So fellow moms and future moms, cut yourself some slack.  You may never have this particular day again but sometimes knowing that is the only thing that gets me through the day!

♥ - Amber