an actual conversation

Last week I was supposed to have my new neighbor and her daughter over but I threw my back out.  The news on my back is that I still have some pain and should go for a MRI since the x-rays weren't clear like we thought, there is a spacing issue in my lower back.  I am in the camp right now that if there is something wrong I don't want to know.  If I end up stuck on the kitchen floor again I may kick myself for saying so.  Right now I am just dealing, so I can't run oh well.

Last night I emailed my neighbor and we rescheduled for today.  I was a little nervous because she is so much younger than me.  I try to go into this with an open mind because I do have several friends in their mid twenties and I love them to death, she's a bit younger than them.  One thing we all know is this lifestyle can make one grow up quickly.

Well they came over and we really hit it off.  TC loved her, she's at a stage where she loves everyone.  She was happy to hop in our new friend's lap and tell her a gibberish story.  The babies were babies, pretty much just looked and laughed at each other.  Can't ask for much more than that.  I am so glad to have this first get together out of the way.  We are going to try to walk 3 mornings a week and hopefully sneak off for a bottle glass of wine in town now and then. 

I'm so glad it is working out.  Don't worry I am not going to get all single white female on her, I'm not that desperate for a friend.  We will be neighbors for the next few years so easing into a friendship is really the best way to go about it. 

Doc isn't as excited about it, for someone who thinks I should just "make some friends already" apparently he didn't mean a Marine wife.  What is it about this branch war?  Does it start at basic training?  My brother (Marine) was the same way, when I told him I was marring a soldier he wasn't excited but when I told him he was a R@nger it was alright.  My new friend's husband was the same way, he asked if Doc was an airborne Rgr or just a rgr (which I assume means a tabbed soldier).  He said if he was an airborne rgr then he must be bad ass.  Ha.    

So there it is, I had a conversation with someone's who has a different last name than me.  Things are looking up.

I'm using r@nger and rgr because I don't want this blog to be searchable by that.

that sinking feeling

Loving Doc is like a bad roller coaster ride where the designers didn't take into account what the dips and climbs would do to your insides and put them all in the wrong places.  You get off feeling dizzy and not euphoric. 

On Monday he came home with the news that the guys wanted him to go away Friday and all day Saturday.   I asked him if he was planning on taking the kids.  I told him that no, I really don't want him to go and we didn't really get into it.  He called me yesterday afternoon to let me know that he was leaving early Wednesday (today) morning and would be back Thursday evening, he's gone for work.  I told him "cool" and planned accordingly.  I am excited that he's gone tonight, he's doing the early part of the free fall class so he can finally get his HALO wings.   I am excited to have the bed to myself tonight, I even cleaned our bedroom and closet during nap time today (this room is always neglected).  I haven't had time to myself in a long time and while I still have two rug rats underfoot I am able to get a few hours here and there.  But if I shifted this night alone to the weekend and he was out partying at some resort I would be pissed.  Hypocrite, sure but I think it's valid.

Yesterday when he came home from work he told me that he was going this weekend.  What could I do?  I am not his mom I can't tell him that he can't go.  I asked that he run things by me which he did, he got my opinion.  I told him that it's just not fair and said that I was going to run off to Vegas to party, obviously that's not happening.  In the moment I was so frustrated that I for a second I thought about giving up breast feeding just so I would have the option.  (I feel very guilty for even thinking this, breastfeeding is very important to me.)  I was just so hurt, he told me where they were going and I looked up the website and it's such a nice place, a place I want to go with him!  We've NEVER gone away together in the 6 years that we've been married but he was going to go with his buddies.

I took Little A to Target, I had to get out of there.  I left him with TC and stayed out for a few hours.  I called my sister and vented to her, I hate doing that because I know every time I do she judges him and wonders why I'm married to him, how I could love him.  I can't blame her, since he has been injured there has been so much bad. 

When I got home it was business as usual, I am not one to act like a bitch because he's going to do something to piss me off.  After about an hour he told me that he didn't think he was going to go.  I asked it it was because of me and he said yes.  I told him that I don't want him to hold a grudge because of it and he didn't really say anything.  I am sure that he spent the afternoon alone with TC and was reminded how much work she is one on one and I wouldn't even be one on one, we have two kids and even at their young ages they've been know to team up.

When he told me that he was going to go despite how I felt I just felt that sinking feeling.  That depressed feeling that I was all alone in everything.  It's a lost feeling.  I don't fit in with my civilian friends, I don't fit in with many army wives because of Doc's TBI and I don't fit with wounded wives because my husband isn't that injured (no one has told me this, it's just a feeling I have).  Once again I am just a mom, I love my kids but I need more.  I am hoping that when he gets home tomorrow he hasn't changed his mind and decided to go, I am not really a fan of this ride. 

grandpa

I try not to think about it but sometimes it catches me off guard.  This time of year is hard, the anniversary of my dad's death is creeping up, the weeks leading up to it were horrific as well.  11 years and I miss him something fierce, some days I grieve like it was yesterday.  I see him every day, TC may have the face of her father but she has the eyes of my father.

My sister told me of a series of weird pregnancy dreams and finished with a dream of our dad rocking her baby boy.  I about lost it, she said she was done with sleep after that because she was a mess.  I was so jealous, when I dream about daddy he's always a supporting player and he's there because he should be (as in he never died so it's nothing big to see him drinking a cup of coffee or something).  I told her that now we know that he knows.  Her coworker, who lost her own mother as a young girl, said that the baby is with our father now and he is watching him until he's born.  What a nice thought.

I love seeing my dad in TC, some days it's a little much but when she hears stories about him I will be able to say "and you have his eyes" which will hopefully give her a connection to him. Damn you cancer for taking my girls' grandfather from them, you suck.

ouch ouch ouch

I was so excited for today, my neighbor was coming over for our first play date.  As I was washing the dishes I felt a zig through the small of my back (where I've had problems) and I tried to shake it off.  I straightened up in hopes that it would help but I had to grab the counter to not fall to the floor.  After a few more attempts the floor is where I ended up.  I called Doc in tears, partially from the pain and partially as a freaked out mom.  He said he would be home as soon as the boys were out of the air (he works at the free fall school) hopefully 20 minutes.  I picked myself up and hobbled over to the kids until Doc arrived an hour later.

Breastfeeding and picking up a monster baby isn't easy when you can barely move.

As soon as Doc walked in the door he went to the bathroom and started the tub.  He came out and tried to give me an adjustment but it didn't help, it actually really hurt.  I was trying to be cool because TC was watching but I let out several "ouches" so she was concerned.  Poor thing, she's so sweet and wanted to make sure I was okay. 

Well, the bath didn't help, I am laying on the couch in more pain than before.  I even needed help dressing and giving Doc a full view of my post pregnancy fully naked body is not something I life to do.  I am going to the doctor this afternoon but I've had these issues before and there is nothing he can do.  In college my back issues started and I noticed a bump on the small of my back.  No one could figure out what it is or why it showed up when it did.  My then boyfriend's dad was a doctor so he got be in at Children's Hospital in Boston and even they couldn't give me any answers.  The mass grows and shrinks, it's now just accepted as a muscle mass that formed for no good reason.  It's something I've grown to live with, if it's inflamed you can notice it in certain clothes. 

It took me 2 months of 3 times a week PT to strengthen my abs enough to make my back feel better.  I am thinking that may be what I need now.  I haven't been able to work on my abs since having Little A because it still feels like I am going to push out my uterus.  You may remember me talking about the back pain when I was pregnant, this is why I was induced a week early.  I will do whatever I have to do if it will fix me, not picking up my kids isn't an option.

It's times like this when you really feel the distance, I still texted my sister and asked her to come help me with the kids. 

vindication

Well kind of, I hate to think "I win" when winning means that my kids lose.  So they cried a little, it's not like they were scarred for life or anything so I guess it's alright.

I keep my resume current and available and even send it out now and then because you never know of an amazing opportunity if you don't put yourself out there.  Odds of me getting hired down here are slim to none, I don't speak Spanish and I am not being an ass when I say that is a must (this city literally bumps Mexico).  Well I got a call on my resume for a runner for a law firm, I interviewed this afternoon.  I knew it wasn't a job for me but it was an excuse to wear makeup and leave post alone for the first time since Little A was born (3 months).

When I left both girls were napping, I had pumped fresh milk this morning so Doc wouldn't have to worry about defrosting any.  I drove to the interview with my windows down and radio up (may or may not have been rocking out to the Britney & Rhianna version of S&M), it was delightful.  The job wasn't for me, it was the kind of thing I did in college as a part time job, I would have to pay to work with childcare.  I was frank with my interviewer, who was a very nice retired Air Force officer, I let him know that I wasn't sure about returning to work yet but if it was something that I thought would be worth it, it would be considered.  Well the law firm also has a date farm (weird, yes but it's called diversification people!) and they are looking to increase their website traffic and since I come from a web marketing background it might be something that I could dig my teeth into.  So my resume was passed on.  Who knows what will happen but it was nice to have some adult conversation with someone who doesn't share my last name.

So what does this have to do what anything?  Well I was at Target after my interview getting a bed rail for TC (poor thing feel out of bed twice) and he called, all I could hear was Little A screaming and TC crying.  I had been gone for 2 hours, 2 hours and he had to call me.  When they freak out I can't just call him and say "ahhh it's hard come home ahhh".  Little A wouldn't take the bottle and TC was jealous that Doc was feeding the baby.  I paid for my stuff and headed home. 

Later on he said something about "being home with the kids all afternoon" and I just responded with "but I thought that wasn't work?".  Honestly, it was better than the kick to the balls I wanted to give him on Saturday.

I do love my husband, a crazy lot, but I also love being right.

oh no, it's fine go

I'm going to vent about my husband, it has nothing to do with anything other than him being an ass.  I thought I would just give you a heads up.

He worked every night this week, he was out the door by 4PM and home from 12 to 4AM.  When he was home he was sleeping.  So it's been pretty stressful for me, taking care of everything but still having him in the house (adding to my list of things to do).  This morning he had to work at the airshow at the marine base in town so he was gone until this afternoon.  He spent most of the day playing video games.  We did have a little time together while the girls napped but that was it.  He put TC to bed but that's pretty much all he did that was help with the girls.  Even when Little A was crying and fussy for an hour  he didn't offer any help.

He turned the video game off but only to go to his coworker's party.  WTF?!  Then he got mad at me for wanting him to stay home.  He pulled out all the stops.

"I have been working all week while you've been home."

"You can go out with your friends any time you want"

"It's not my fault that you don't have any friends"

"Go meet people!"

I can't stand when he does this, then he tried to say that he was never like this when I went out.  I almost pulled out this trusty blog to give him exact dates.

I want him to have fun but not when we haven't seen each other all week.  Not that he has to ask but at least run it by me, find out how I would feel.  Hell, I even make sure he's good before I take a bath!  I wish he would just consider my feelings. 

Here all I am is his wife and a mom, that's it.  I have nothing else.  I've gone to the story times and the meetings, I talked to women at the park, I've tried but it's not clicking with anyone.  And we know what it's like being the new girl, everyone already has their friends.  But it's not like I can really do much with a 3 month old needing me every 3 hours.

Six years later and he fails to see that EVERYTHING I've done since I met him was for him. 

I admimt

I admit...

...the commercial for the woman drinking her urine for My Strange Addiction makes me want to barf, they shouldn't show things so gross while innocently watching TV.

...I still get mad at myself when watching wedding shows, I really wanted a different dress but allowed myself to be talked into the one I wore.

...I hated the dress and never picked it up from the cleaners.

...Doc has been working nights all week which means I have had almost no help with the kids (not his fault)

...I still haven't found a deodorant that works for me.

...most of the grout in my house is currently black, apparently it was tan when we moved it, I know my next project.

...I'm watching Hot in Cleveland on Netflix and I love it.

...I still want to lose 15lbs but I'm not ready to put the ice cream spoon down.  I'm not overly concerned at this point.

...my kids are pretty damn cute:

then and now TBI edition

Last night I decided to look back at the blog to see where we were last year at this time.  I was blown away.

I forget that things were worse, Doc still has issues daily and pain.  It hurts my heart every day to see him like this, I still pray daily for the man I married to return.  Seeing the impact of his injuries touching every inch our our life it's hard to think that it was a lot worse.

Reading old posts floored me.  I don't know if I blocked it out or with everything else going on it just slipped my mind but we have come a long way in just a year. 

A year ago Doc had lost his words, he would ask me to grab him a cold drink from him shoe.  When he tried to correct himself it would take him about 30 seconds for his head to tell his mouth to say fridge.  He knew what he wanted to say but he couldn't physically say it.  I can't imagine the frustration.

A year ago I asked him to feed the dog before he went to work.  He told me that he would try but changing his routine could result in him forgetting to go to work.  He had to go from the bedroom to the bathroom to shower/shave to his closet to dress to the kitchen to grab his wallet and keys and out the door.  Adding to or removing from that routine really could have resulted in forgetting what he was doing.  Can you imagine forgetting to go to work?  I can't, I can't imagine having that fear.  How do you convince yourself that you're not going crazy when this is what your life is?

A year ago I felt like I was sinking, I felt like there was no hope.  I feel that way many times these days as well but it's good to step back and see how much progress has been made.  Does this mean he will one day make a full recovery?  Nope, he wont.  I've come to terms with that.  I grieve the loss of the man I married but I am blessed in that I see glimpses of him now and then.  I love the man my husband has become, his heart is still his heart. 

I hope things continue to improve however slowly it is happening.  Maybe in a year more of our daily struggles will be a memory. 

it's not the heat it's the...

...oh wait, it is the heat.

I know it's the desert, but damn it's dry here.  We go through chapstick like it's water, the other day the dew point was 9...9!  While my hair enjoys the lack of frizz my face is paying for it.  It started with a small dry patch over my chin, under my lip on the right side of my face.  I thought maybe some aquaphor would do the trick but that just made me break out.  Next my eyes, under the outer corners of my eyes I have little red cuts, I look like a crack head.  Here is a horribly unfaltering picture I just snapped with my phone to demonstrate.  And this is even after a few days on the mend.

I think I found the angle to make my nose look as big as possible.

See the splotch under the corner of my mouth, and the red eyes?  Gross.  I went out and bought some really thick cream to try to hydrate and I'm sleeping with the humidifier on.  I wouldn't mind a little bit of humidity before my face falls right off.  And I know, drink more water - I'm trying, my goal is to down a glass every other time I walk into the kitchen.

Every place has its quirks, in Washington it was the rain (and rain and rain and rain) and here it's the dry.  It just reaffirms my belief that New England is the perfect place to live, you get a little of everything.

If anyone has any tricks for aging skin (gasp, almost 32!) in desert conditions PLEASE fill me in.  I am sure the hormone craziness isn't helping, I'm starting the postpartum hair loss so that leads me to believe my hormones are on a roller coaster ride and will even out in a few months.

Until I'm back to normal I will wear my sun glasses whenever possible. 

A little more flattering, see the nice unfrizzy hair?

sleepies?

We've been here for 6 months, well 6 months and about a week but it feels like so much longer.  But it does feel like forever since I've been in Washington, I miss my dear friend Laura and her little girl so much.  She got me, she understood my struggles with Doc more than anyone else could and she never judged me for it.  She never judged him.  My own sister even turned her back on me for a while but Laura never did.  I miss you girl!!

It's amazing what a difference 6 months makes when it's a quarter of your life.  TC then and TC now, it's amazing.  An 18 month old is really just a walking baby but a 2 year old is like a miniature kid.  She's finding words, finally "help" and "down" have replaced "erreghsd" and "ahhhsdfdsa".  She went from a crib chewer to a big girl bed sleeper. 

She has now graduated from the floor bed to a real twin bed.  To say she was excited is an understatement.  He bed arrived a few weeks ago, I had just finished assembling Little A's crib and TC tried to climb in thinking it was for her.  I explained that she had her very own bed and that we were going to go put it together.  I pushed the box into her room and laid it down to open in and she did this:

And said "bed" and was a happy girl.  It's nice to know that she is so easy to please.  As I started to put it together there was an issue with one of the screw holes so I had to order a new headboard.  I was bummed that she wasn't getting her new bed as promised but she slept on her mattress on the floor non the wiser.  (When I cut up the box to get rid of it she was a little upset that I was cutting up her bed, poor thing.)

Today the new headboard arrived and finally we were able to set it up.  She loves to be like momma so whenever she finds a screwdriver or allen wrench she gets to work.

yea I know, keeping clothes on her is a chore.

When I say "make your bed" I mean it.  She really was so excited, when I got the mattress up there she would not stay off long enough for me to make the bed, she immediately climbed in and said "nap, sleepies?"  Staring around 5PM she was asking to go to bed.  We still need to get some plywood to make it a true platform bed, she doesn't have a box spring because it would be too high so right now it's just the mattress which is fine for her 25lbs, I hope she doesn't try to jump...

She went right to sleep tonight, I don't know if it was the new bed or what but usually she runs around her room making a mess before passing out.  When I went in to check on her this is what I found.

Sound asleep.  I'm glad that she still looks so small in that bed.  My girl, my baby just continues to bring light into my heart.  I get sad as she gets older but I know how blessed I am to witness it all. 

Little A is still sleeping in my room, I tell myself that it's because I am too lazy to actually get out of bed for her feedings but in my heart I know that I am just trying to hold on to her for as long as I can.  My mind hasn't changed about having more kids and this stage may be a boring one but there is nothing more amazing to me than looking over and seeing a sleeping chubby cheeked baby girl.

I can't juggle

Before Little A came along I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to spend as much time with TC.  I was worried that the needs of a newborn would pull me away from her and she wouldn't get the attention that she deserves.  It turns out that this isn't the case.  Unfortunately the opposite is true.

TC is 2, 2 year olds are very needy.  She is into everything and testing every limit she sees.  I am spending so much time with TC I feel like Little A isn't getting the attention she needs.  I'm afraid that she isn't going to hit her milestones at the same pace as TC which I know is stupid to worry about, all kids do things on their own time.  If Little A isn't rolling over (or even attempting) but the end of the month I am going to be sure it's all my fault.

Now that she's awake more and starting to interact I am working on bringing her into TC's and my world but TC isn't always a fan of that.  I know as moms we second guess our choices on a daily basis but this is something that's been bothering me for a while and I can't shake it.  But really, she's only 12 weeks old it's not like she should be taking solo trips to the commissary or anything.

I learned tonight they can bathe together, TC decided the whale tub was best.

wedding planning

There are times when TC is so into being a big sister, she wants to do everything she can with Little A, it's very sweet.  She knows that Little A is always looking at her and being entertained.  If they are both up at the same time Addie stays fixated on TC, when she's in the jump-a-roo is when TC truly eats it up.  She plays with all the toys with Addie and does what she can to get her to laugh.  Other times TC is fully aware that she has an audience but she plays it cool (I wish I was making this up, I don't know where she picked it out but it's hilarious).

Last night TC wanted to be the big sister while we watched the Bruins game so Doc told TC so sit in her chair and Addie could sit with her, so she did.  Doc put Addie down next to TC and TC put her arm around her little sister and held her close.  We about died.  I took a quick cell phone picture because I didn't want to ruin the moment by getting up to find my camera but it soon became apparent that they weren't going anywhere.  While staring at the picture on my cell I grabbed my camera and started to tear up, this picture is going to be featured at their weddings, I just know it.  They are the best of friends and I pray to God they always will be.

TC even let Addie have Snuggles, her lovey.

 As you can see, Little A was chewing on her hand and getting hungry.  I picked her up to feed her and TC threw a huge fit.  Huge tears followed by sobs of "no, sister sit, sister sit noooooo".  She gets mad now and then but it isn't like her to throw a fit so we decided to try out a bottle, why have a freezer stash if you're not going to use it?  It didn't go well which didn't surprise us but TC got to feel like she was helping.  Poor Addie had to battle with some gas and fussiness but I am sure she didn't mind too much.

She doesn't look thrilled but TC is a master at playing down her excitement for the camera.

I know there is a chance that they wont grow up to be best friends forever or even like each other as adults but right now, in my head, 25-30 years from now they will take turns wearing white dresses and (what I hope to be) beautiful maid of honor dresses and the night before the weddings photos like these will be passed around for all to remember the days when all they needed was each other.

CO is a no go

I guess I should update you on the Colorado situation, I don't remember if I have already...  Doc decided not to go, apparently the odds of him actually getting treatment are 1 out of 3 and he said he doesn't want to leave his family for a few months and not even be treated.  I can respect that, it's his choice.  As always I have told him that no matter what he wants to do we will make it work.  Not having him around for 2 months isn't ideal but it's not the end of the world either.

Honestly, I am fine with it.  I am glad the idea of a full reassignment has been tossed.  Sure, CO is beautiful and all that good stuff but I will deal with the desert for a while if it means we don't have to move again for a bit.  I might even make a nice little life for myself if I make an effort.

There are some other things stewing around down here but nothing certain enough to report.  I chuckle as I type that, what in the army is ever certain?

because I bitch so much...

It's so easy to talk about the bad times, here is a boring posts about what a typical day around here when all is well.  There are more of these days than bad days.

I woke up to TC yelling for me from her room around 7:30, I got out of bed and made the family breakfast.  Doc woke to the smell of bacon, lucky him.

At 10 we took a family trip to the commissary for some groceries.  We came home and hung out until TC went down for an early nap, she was throwing a fit.  I went outside to read my book, I didn't expect to be out there for so long, I would have put some sunblock on because now I look ridiculous.

I need to remember where I live.  While I was out there Doc got TC from her nap, made her lunch and watched the Bruins game.  He called me in when Little A needed to eat.

After the game was over he went outside and cut the grass without me nagging him.  We set up TC's T-ball set and let her play baseball for the first time.  She stood at the T and yelled "ready, set, BASEBALL" every time.  She didn't hit the ball as much as she pushed it off the T.

It was so fun to watch, Little A took it all in from her bouncy seat.

Doc went to the store and got TC and me some push up ice cream pops.  We played outside a bit longer and he brought TC in for a bath to remove all the ice cream.  I made dinner, TC entertained us until she crashed out around 6:30.  Now Doc and I are hanging out, he's playing xBox and I'm getting things done.

See boring, but happy.

book 'em

When I was pregnant with TC I had all of these visions of her library, a pristine collections of books that we would sit down and read together, perhaps wearing white gloves.  Her first gifts were books, I was so excited to start her collection.  Fast forward to when TC actually arrived, he love of books started when she discovered how fun they were to chew on, I quickly pulled them away.  When she was 5 months old I bought her the first book I was alright with her chewing on, she loved it.

  
As time passed and she really started showing interest in her books I started to give in a bit but I still cringed every time she started to chew or pull on her precious books.  I don't know what I thought I would do with perfect books - pass them down to her kids?  Return them to the store? Regift?

It was around her first birthday that she really started showing that she preferred her books over anything else.  She never wanted to play with her toys, she was all about the books I had out for her.  At this point it was still just the $1 Target books, her good books were in her room at the other end of the house.

When we moved to Arizona I put her books in her room as they were in Washington but this time her room was accessible from the living room.  Soon her books were all in the living room so we embraced it and brought out a bookshelf for her.  It was like her toys didn't exist and her books were a mess. 

Now I look at the books that have been almost destroyed and smile, those books are obviously loved.  She could spend hours with these books, a love I hope she passes to her sister.  I am sure I will put away some of the most loved books to give her when she has her own kids, they will be so much more special than books that look like they were just picked up from the local Target.

You are looking at Good Night Moon, If I could Keep You Little (which you need to own) and Around the Farm.

I guess the point of this post is a reminder to let go, it might not be books - whatever your little one loves.  There are a lot of new moms and moms of kids younger than TC who read this blog so this is my unsolicited advice to you ladies.  I would have never guessed torn pages would melt my heart the way they do, they are love marks on they books she can get enough of, what's better than that?