THE playlist

It has taken a few weeks but here it is, I am hope it is the perfect road trip playlist.  Either way it fit on two disks of MP3s.  I also have 2 audio books to change things up.  In case you're curious here it is in random order:

Casey Jones	Grateful Dead
Till the World Ends	Britney Spears
Stand	R.E.M.
Somebody Told Me	The Killers
Big Easy	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Hey, Hey	Dispatch
Untitled	O.A.R.
I Believe In a Thing Called Love	The Darkness
Delicate Few	O.A.R.
Rockin The Suburbs	Ben Folds Five
Shut Up and Drive	Rihanna
It's oh so Quiet	Bjork
I Like Cold Beverages	G Love & Special Sauce
Total Eclipse of the Heart	Bonnie Tyler
He Can Only Hold Her	Amy Winehouse
Right as Rain	ADELE
James	O.A.R.
Summer	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Dragonfly	Dj SakinandFriends
Could You be Loved	Bob Marley
I Am The Walrus	The Beatles
L'Amour Toujours	Gigi D'agostino
Daughter	Loudon Wainwright III
About an Hour Ago	O.A.R.
Program Director	O.A.R.
Whose Chariot?	O.A.R.
First Love	ADELE
Down Bottom (TV Version)	Drag-On
Country Grammer (Dirty Edit)	Nellie
If Only She Knew	O.A.R.
Paradise By The Dashboard ....	Meatloaf
Possum Kingdom	Toadies
Hanginaround	Counting Crows
Unspeakable Joy	Kim English
Circus	Britney Spears
Busted Knuckles	Dropkick Murphys
52-50	O.A.R.
Home	Michael Bublé
Rumour Has It	Adele
Ryde or Die Chick	Lox, The
Forever Young	Bob Dylan
Gimme Three Steps	Lynyrd Skynyrd
Wonderful Day	O.A.R.
Good	Better Than Ezra
Better off Alone	Alice Deejay
Best Imitation of Myself	Ben Folds Five
its over now feat	Kurupt
Yes (hex Hector Club Mix)	Amber
Don't You Remember	Adele
Baby You're A Rich Man	The Beatles
Elias	Dispatch
Johnny, I Hardly Knew Ya	Dropkick Murphys
Amy Amy Amy	Amy Winehouse
Break the Ice	Britney Spears
Gepetto	Belly
City On Down	O.A.R.
I Found a Boy	Adele
Sweet Home Alabama	Lynyrd Skynyrd
Don't Stop Believin'	Journey
Crazy for You	ADELE
King Of The Thing	O.A.R.
Hey Girl	O.A.R.
Wake Up Alone	Amy Winehouse
Only You (Bad Boy Remix)	112
(Nice To Meet You) Anyway	Gavin DeGraw
Of a Revolution	O.A.R.
I Need A Lover [Live]	Pat Benatar
You Know I'm No Good	Amy Winehouse
Watch Out Now	Beatnuts
I need a miracle	Fragma
Africa	Howie Day
Sliver	Nirvana
This Time of Year	Better Than Ezra
Ssst (Listen)	Jonah
Turning Tables	Adele
(There Is) No Greater Love	Amy Winehouse
Last Dance	Donna Summer
Early Mornin'	Britney Spears
Piece of Me	Britney Spears
Echoes On 'A.' Street	Dropkick Murphys
Me Against The Music (Rishi Rich's Desi Kulcha Remix)	Britney Spears
Black Friday Rule	Flogging Molly
Sweet thing	Mary J. Blige
The State of Massachusetts	Dropkick Murphys
Risen	O.A.R.
What Means The World To U (LP	Cam'ron
Hold It Against Me	Britney Spears
I Feel Home	O.A.R.
Funeral	My Techno
Untitled	O.A.R.
Daydreamer	ADELE
Ghetto Jam	Domino
Army	Ben Folds Five
Dirrty	Christina Aguilera
All These Things That I've Done	The Killers
Got To Get You Into My Life	The Beatles
Jumpin, Jumpin	Destiny's Child
Waiting For Tonight	Jennifer Lopez
Big Fat Bass (feat. will.i.am)	Britney Spears
Always Be My Sunshine	Jay Z
Bobby McGee	Janis Joplin
Rehab (Hot Chip Vocal)	Amy Winehouse with Hot Chip
If U Seek Amy	Britney Spears
material girl	Madonna
Devil's Dance Floor	Flogging Molly
Next 2 You	Buckcherry
Coalminer	O.A.R.
Some Unholy War	Amy Winehouse
Breakin' Dishes	Rihanna
Redemption Song	Bob Marley
Something Coming Over	O.A.R.
Drain You	Nirvana
Why Go	Pearl Jam
me and you	Cassie
Better Together	Jack Johnson
Girls	Beastie Boys
Mmm Papi	Britney Spears
Dreamlover	Mariah Carey
Sk8ter Boy	Avril Lavigne
Semi-Charmed Life	Third Eye Blind
I'm a Thug	Trick Daddy
War Song	O.A.R.
If You See Jordan	Something Corporate
The Joker	Steve Miller Band
The Cave	Mumford & Sons
Tears Dry On Their Own	Amy Winehouse
Magical Mystery Tour	The Beatles
Life in a Tenement Square	Flogging Molly
I'll Be Waiting	Adele
Let Me Fly	Dmx
Buffalo Soldier	Bob Marley
Here Comes My Baby	Cat Stevens
No Woman No Cry	Bob Marley
Tuesday's Gone	Lynrd Skynrd
Bouncing Around The Room	Phish
Lucky (feat. Colbie Caillat)	Jason Mraz
Jeremy	Pearl Jam
Mercedes Benz	Janis Joplin
The Dirty Glass	Dropkick Murphys
Time Bomb	Rancid
When I'm Sixty-Four	The Beatles
Take It All	Adele
NIght Shift	O.A.R.
Back to Black	Amy Winehouse
He Won't Go	Adele
Ooh Ooh Baby	Britney Spears
Stranger In My House (Hex Hect	Tamia
Sunshine	Jonathan Edwards
Amsterdam	Guster
Caught Out There	Kelis
Candyman	Christina Aguilera
You Know I'm No Good	Amy Winehouse featuring Ghostface Killah
Girlfriend	Avril Lavigne
Worker's Song	Dropkick Murphys
Dirty Water	The Standells
Best for Last	ADELE
Let's get loud	Jennifer Lopez
Dream On	Aerosmith
Chemical Party	Gavin DeGraw
Lovesong	Adele
Thirteen	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
I'm Free	Amber
Three Little Birds	Bob Marley
ride wit me	Nelly
Ignition Remix	R. Kelly
Outrageous	Britney Spears
The Boom	Ruff Ryders F/ Dmx,Vegas
Heard the World	O.A.R.
Someone Like You	Adele
One Shot	O.A.R.
Crazy Bitch	Buckcherry
Up n' Down	Britney Spears
I Wanna Go	Britney Spears
Bonnie & Shyne	Shyne Featuring Barrington Levy
Don't Stop the Music	Rihanna
American Music	Violent Femmes
Shattered (Turn the Car Around)	O.A.R.
I'm A Slave 4 U	Britney Spears
Heaven (Acoustic)	O.A.R.
My Same	ADELE
Girl Next Door	Howie Day
Southern State Of Mind	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
My Own Worst Enemy	Lit
Black Velvet Band	Dropkick Murphys
Buried Alive	Dropkick Murphys
Umbrella (feat. Jay-Z)	Rihanna
Dance, Dance, Dance	Steve Miller Band
Mr. Brightside	The Killers
Just Friends	Gavin DeGraw
More Than Anyone	Gavin DeGraw
My Baby's Got Sauce	G Love and the Special Sauce
S&M (Remix) [feat. Britney Spears]	Rihanna
Gone Daddy Gone	Violent Femmes
You Can Call Me Al	Paul Simon
Dareh Meyod	O.A.R.
Thoia Thoing	R. Kelly
sweet child o mine.mp3	Guns 'n Roses
Secret Smile	Semisonic
Hey Mister	Custom
Tired	ADELE
Sweetest Goodbye	Stephen Kellogg & The Sixers
Smooth Criminal	Alien Ant Farm
Jenny Was a Friend of Mine	The Killers
Above The Clouds (Club Mix)	Amber
Cold Shoulder	ADELE
Kiss Off	Violent Femmes
Set Fire to the Rain	Adele
Gimme More	Britney Spears
Octopus's Garden	The Beatles
Gimme That Nut	Eazy-E
Devil Went Down	Coyote Ugly Soundtrack
Badfish	Sublime
Garden Grove	Sublime
Toxic	Britney Spears
Sun is Shining (atb club mix)	Bob Marley
That Was a Crazy Game of Poker	O.A.R.
The General	Dispatch
Heaven	Dj Sammy and Yanou Feat. Do
Popular	Nada Surf
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun	Cyndi Lauper
Taylor	Jack Johnson
Something In The Way She Moves	James Taylor
Huricane	Bob Dylan
Still Fighting It	Ben Folds
Chasing Pavements	ADELE
Around The World	ATC
Stir It Up	Bob Marley
Melt My Heart to Stone	ADELE
(I Got That) Boom Boom	Britney Spears
Let Me Love You	Da Buzz
Where'd You Go	Fort Minor featuring Holly Brook and Jonah Matranga
Still Dirrty	Christina Aguilera
Amnesia	Britney Spears
One and Only	Adele
Tiny Dancer	Ben Folds
Gonna Be a Blackout Tonight	Dropkick Murphys
Just Friends	Amy Winehouse
You Get What You Give	New Radicals
Anyway	O.A.R.
Thong Song	Sisqo
Laid	James
More Than a Feeling	Boston
Cherry	Amy Winehouse
Womanizer (Remix) feat. Erick Right	Britney Spears
Radar	Britney Spears
I'm not a player	Big Pun
Toy Soldier	Britney Spears
girls, girls, girls	Jay-Z
You	Candlebox
F**k Me Pumps	Amy Winehouse
I Heard Love Is Blind	Amy Winehouse
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds	The Beatles
Don't Look Back	Boston
Battle of Who Could Care Less	Ben Folds Five
This Town	O.A.R.
Dance With Me	112
Friend of the Devil	Grateful Dead
Cover Me	Candlebox
Love and Memories	O.A.R.
Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced	Dropkick Murphys
My heart goes boom	French Affair
Over-Rated	Gavin DeGraw
Nasty Naughty Boy	Christina Aguilera
Times Like These	Jack Johnson
Things We've Handed Down	Marc Cohn
Paint It Black	The Rolling Stones
Alabama Song	The Doors
Hometown Glory	ADELE
Loyal to No One	Dropkick Murphys
Hey Ma feat. Juelz Santana & Freaky Zekey	Camron
Rubysoho	Rancid
Piece of My Heart	Janis Joplin
So Moved On	O.A.R.
Little Lion Man	Mumford & Sons
Tainted Love	Soft Cell
3	Britney Spears
Rolling In the Deep	Adele
Feelin' On Yo Booty	R. Kelly

new beginnings

First of all, thank you so much for all the support yesterday.  I struggle with what to post sometimes because I like to be 100% honest here but I also try to be sensitive to my readers.  I was very upset with myself yesterday telling Doc "we have a second healthy baby girl and I'm disappointed".  That was how I was feeling.  I think if I feel the need to really vent about my pregnancy in the future I will call it out in the title and if some readers don't want to read a post like that on a particular day they wont stumble upon one.

Two days ago I got an email out of the blue.  An old friend who I missed dearly reached out to me.  We both had a lot going on and wires got crossed and, well things happen.  I have wanted to reach out for a long time but I wasn't the one to end things so I wanted to give her the space she needed.  When I saw her in my inbox I was floored.  I am glad to have her back in my life and I really hope we can be as close as we once were. 


If you are thinking about someone from your past (recent or not so much) I say let them know.  A few years ago I reached out to an old friend and heard nothing back, I am glad I did it and honestly nothing bad came from me doing it.  She just wasn't in the same place I was, no big deal.   When I read my email the other day I was so touched that I cried.  And all it took was a few sentences in an email and now I have an old friend back. 

not at all what I expected

We had our anatomy scan for #2 today and I am happy to report everything looks great.  Of course at 18w3d it's still early to get a good look at everything but everything they saw was exactly as it should be at this point.

#2 was being a little shy for a while, every time the tech wanted to look between the legs suddenly they would close.  It wasn't until the very end when she was pointing everything out to us that I saw it, "that's a vagina isn't it?"  And sure enough it was.  TC will have a little sister, a best friend only 22.5 months younger.  I know it's either going to be a boy or a girl so there really shouldn't be much surprise either way but I would have bet $1,000 I was having a boy.

I know it will be amazing for TC to have a sister, I've always wanted one for her but at the same time I couldn't believe my reaction.  I cried, a lot.  I know I only want two kids so I guess I'm mourning the loss of ever having a boy.  I'm not telling you this because I am proud of myself, I am actually quite ashamed of my reaction.  Here I am blessed with a second healthy child and I was crying over her genitals?  But I also know that it's a normal reaction and I am just going to allow myself to be a little sad for a bit while I really get used to the idea of another beautiful girl.

Doc was great about it, I could see that he was really sad but he kept it to himself and did his best to assure me that what I was feeling was normal and TC will be so blessed to have a sister.  His eyes were glossy and red.

We will not have a son.

I know we could always try for a boy but in reality I only want 2 kids, I always only wanted 2 kids.  There is no guarantee that #3 would be a boy so then what?  Then I have one more child than I am comfortable with and still no son.  I don't believe in the "keep trying until we get one" approach. 

In the next few weeks we will seriously stated to consider names.  I would love something that goes well with Teagan.  We like that her name is unisex, maybe we'll continue on that road.  She will have my maiden name for a middle name but I wont be sharing that here - PERSEC you know.  But who knows, we may go in a different direction all together, I think Noelle is beautiful and I am due on Christmas Eve...

We are having another baby girl.  A girl! A sister.  I love her so much already. 

the strange things I do

As I mentioned on twitter the other day I am in the process of sifting through the 4156 songs in my iTunes to come up with the perfect road trip play list for the big move down 1-5.  About 1/4 of these songs are Doc's crappy Emo bands so I don't have to worry about them but sifting through my music is hard.  I would just say screw it and put about 2000 songs on my iPod but I remember what a pain it was when we drove from NC to WA to find stations to use for my iPod.  Unfortunately for me my 2007 Santa Fe does not have an AC port on the stereo.  I think they started doing that in the next model.  I had to convert my music from the purchased ACC format that you get from iTunes to MP3 so I can make disks.  To do that I had to burn audio disks and then reupload the music to my computer.

That was a huge pain, I bought the music I should be able to keep it in whatever format I want!  I'm starting to miss CDs.

Since doing that I made a play list of all the songs I love and think I want to hear on the drive.  After carefully choosing there were still 450 songs, more than I would need if that was all I listened to. 

Here's where I get weird.

I have a tendency to personalize things, it started when I was a kid - I made sure to chew the same amount on both sides of my mouth so one side wouldn't get jealous.  I had to play with all of my dolls the same amount so non would feel left out...I thought I grew out of this.  I am now feeling guilty for removing songs from my road trip list because I'm afraid they will think I don't love to listen to them.  By keeping Dreamlover and ditching While My Guitar Gently Weeps what am I saying about myself?  It's not that I like that song better, it's not even close but when I've been in the car for 2 days am I going to want to be lulled to sleep by The Beatles or will I want to dance in my chair and sing along with poppy crap? 

So there it is, my driving music choices are a little off.  Luckily TC isn't to the point of understanding and repeating songs so I'm free to keep Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced by my beloved Dropkick Murphys without an issue.  I know that it will start to play just as I am losing my steam and will keep me going. 

I will have to coddle the Bob Dylan, Beatles, Gavin DeGraw songs that didn't make the cut when we get there.  I hope they understand that just because I was bobbing my head to The Thong Song I was, by no means, choosing Sisqo over them.

And on a related note, as I drove to Target today sans child I enjoyed the opportunity to have my windows down and radio up.  Maybe a little too high up but I miss loud music!  (But no, I am not a crazy bass thumping person, I drive a Hyundai with a factory stereo.)  While stopped at a light I got a few strange looks, I guess people weren't expecting Nirvana's Slither to be coming out of the mom mobile with the car seat in the back.  I make no apologies, I love my time alone in my car and will continue to enjoy (reasonably) loud (curse free) music when I get the chance.  Just as the smoker has the right to pollute my air with her nasty cancer stick I have the right to enjoy some tunes - the difference being that a little O.A.R. wont give you cancer.

the ugly truth

If it's true that baby girls take your beauty then I must be having triplet girls.  Not that I was Miss Universe before getting pregnant but I got a few second looks.  I was really lucky to never have many issues with acne, a pimple here and there let me know when it was time to pick up some tampax and that was it.

My hair has always been an issue, in high school it was twice as thick as it is today and curly curly.  Even when it thinned out in college (which was a total blessing) I still had more body than I knew what to do with.  I still haven't mastered my curls and I don't think I ever will, mine are the out of control frizz loving several different sized curls you never want to see.  I have, however, mastered the blow dryer and flat iron.  There is a combination of blow-out/flat iron that looks fantastic on my big 'ol head.

Why am I bragging about how amazing I can look when I put some effort into it?  Simple, I miss it.  This is me while I was blow drying this morning, you can't even see all of the wonderful pimples:

 There are about 5 pimples on the end of my nose that make me look like Rudolph, it's wonderful.

This is after I finished my hair, the same way I always do it only this time it's basically stuck to my head, flat as a board.  (And an awkward length, I wanted it 2 inches shorter but that's neither here no there.)

I admit it's not horrible, I have makeup on covering most of my pimples but if I was planning on sharing this picture on facebook this is what it would look like:

The color would be adjusted a bit to remove the red that comes with taking a picture in the bathroom.  My crows feet and under eye bags - gone.  I even lightened my teeth to look whiter even though it's the bathroom light discoloring them (check out the "white" door behind me).  No more pimples.  If I knew how to pump up my hair in photoshop I would have done that too.

What's the point of all of this?  I have no idea.  Just an honest moment from me to you.

checked out

I believe many of you know exactly what I mean, we are in PCS limbo and it's driving me nuts.  I've pretty much checked out of this house, the problem with that is that I still have 3ish weeks here.  Everything about this place makes me want to run and hide.  Making dinner is miserable because the lack of counter space, I've done it for 2 years because it was just a fact of life but now...now I have a big kitchen just waiting for me.  Really, it's sitting there with a big peninsula and real tile floors empty waiting for me to show up and get weelicious on it's ass.

Packing is a slowing moving thing, without a set in stone move date I don't feel the urgency.  That and I'm afraid to pack something because "we might need it".  So packing sucks and yea, I've checked out of that for now too.

Cleaning, I know that keeping up with the small stuff will make the big stuff much easier when it's time for the deep clean but ugh.  This place is a mess, in my head I don't really live here anymore so why keep it guest ready?  Don't worry, there aren't rats or mold everywhere, I keep it sanitary but that's pretty much it.

Maybe admitting my funk will put an end to it.  Here is the new goal, I'm sharing it so I have some accountability, pack up all my clothes that I know I wont wear because I'm too fat thanks to the baby bump and the rest of the baby stuff from TC's room since she's been a toddler for 5 months now.

it sticks

Since becoming a military spouse I've seen it all.  I admit, it the beginning I sipped the Koolaid.  I was a newlywed of a few weeks living alone in the same apartment as always, with the same job as always, with the same friends as always, only now I had a ring on my finger and reasons to run to the mailbox.  For a brief moment I felt like I was a martyr and everyone should know the sacrifices I was making.  I had a few t-shirts and an "army wife" sticker on my car.  I did this knowing full well that once I left Rhode Island it would stop, in Rhode Island I was a pretty alone in being an active duty wife since there are no army posts close by.  (Navy base in Newport but like any good Rhode Islander I didn't drive more than 15 minutes for anything so I was never down there.) To be honest I also thought it might help if I got pulled over for speeding or something (I'm just being honest).  So here's what I had, a small army wife sticker over my break light and his unit sticker in the corner of the back window.  Oh, there was also the army seal close to the license plate but that he been there since my cousin deployed.

A few times I got honks on the highway by others who had similar stickers, one time in particular it was someone from Doc's unit which I thought was special since it's such a select few and only make up a tiny fraction of the army. 

From day one there were a few things that drove me nuts, being a military spouse is not the hardest job in the military and every time I see that I quietly judge that spouse and service member.  My husband's rank is just that, my husband's.  Granted, at that point he was an E3 so it's not like you go waiving that around but still.  

As that year progressed and I learned more about being an army wife I stopped wearing the t-shirts and started taking down the graphics on my MySpace page (don't judge, it was 2005!).  I started to realize I was getting lost in the shuffle.  When people asked him about me he was proud to tell them I was working in marketing for major manufacturers (I went from the US's largest locket manufacturer to the worlds second largest toy manufacturer that year) but I didn't see him plopping a Hasbro logo on his page.  When the time came for us to move to our first duty station together the stickers came off my car and were replaced my DOD Decals.  Boom, army wife.

In my 6 years in this life I've seen it all.  Cars with so many military related stickers that they can't possibly see out the back windshield to nothing at all.  I even saw a car with those custom white letters that read "Sgt Major's Wife" across the rear window.  How could he let that happen?  And yes I say "let" because what we do is a reflection on our soldiers especially if we are drawing attention to said soldier.  A few weeks ago I saw a car that took the cake.  One one side said "army wife, the hardest job in the army" (barf) and on the other said "army wife, what's your super power?".  Really?  Super power?  This life is no cake walk but give me a  break, it doesn't take super powers.  It takes a deep loving relationship and a level of selflessness.  I think anyone is capable of it if they want to try.

I'm not saying "no stickers ever" but I think a one or two tasteful stickers that celebrate your husband is fine but I hate those that put the spouse on a pedestal.  For the record, the back of my car is a bit of a road map of our journey.  There is a badge from the dealership where we bought the car that clearly states Fayetteville, NC (Ft. Bragg).  On the pained part of the trunk is a silver Red Sox "B" which also calls out where we originally came from (and also looks like it could have come on the car - I love it) and WA plates because that is were we are.  And I do have a sticker! (gasp) It is small and in the top middle of the rear window, it's the symbol that was used to identify Doc's unit back in WWII.  Just that, a shape with a number in it, if you don't know the unit then it would mean nothing to you.  So that's it, I show pride for my husband in a quiet way, I don't ask for praise for loving him and I don't think doing so gives me any type of superpower. 

I'm just a girl who loves a boy. 

What are your thoughts?  What do you have on your car and why?

Who's in my belly part 2

This was fun last time so I had to do it again.  We have our anatomy scan next Tuesday at 1:30 hopefully #2 will cooperate with us and let us know if we're having a boy or a girl.

Now I want to know, what do you think I'm having?

 Will Teagan have a little brother or sister

• 
  
  Brother
• 
  
  Sister

view results
Free vote poll

This poll will bring you to another page when you hit "vote now" but I have used this before and had no problems.  I will be sharing the news of what we find out.

vindication, sort of

Like I said, Doc has been acting like a d-bag lately and he knows it.  In our session this week I brought up that I felt like he was treating me like a misbehaving employee he admitted it.  He doesn't know he's doing it at the time but one he's done and has a chance to replay the conversations he sees exactly what he's done.

We can't be sure if it's the move stress or leaving here or just unrelated stress from the TBI, we just know that it's got to stop.  The frustrating thing with episodes like this is since he doesn't see, in the moment, that what he's doing is hurtful he is going to have a hard time stopping it.  But honestly it's not that big of a deal.  I know that when this happens it's not really him.  While it stings and is a major ego blow it's not the end of me.  Believe me, I know how it sounds, I would roll my eyes if I was reading this too but this is life after TBI.  Things can be going great for days, weeks, months and then out of nowhere it hits.


It is really hard for me, what I really need is for him to put his pride aside now and then.  After his outbursts and he knows that he's hurt me he wants to apologize but he doesn't really know how.  He said that he feels stupid putting himself out there like that, it is so hard for me to wrap my mind around.  I've always been emotional and I've always verbalized my emotions but Doc grew up with The Major (his grandfather) and the men in the family we not coddled.  We're working on it.  What's most important to me is that our kids feel comfortable with such vulnerable emotions.  Doc is open and loving with TC now but who knows what's going to happen when TC has the ability to reject him.  The real test will be if I'm carrying a boy, how will he treat a little boy? 

I guess this is the mark of me really being a mother, putting my hurt feelings aside and worrying about how my kids will feel. 

some days

Today was a frustrating day.  Doc's evil mood swings have been popping up around here.  I am sure the stress of the move and this time we are in limbo isn't helping.  That's all great but it doesn't give him the right to treat me like dirt.

He's been home a lot since he started outprocessing.  He's been home and not very helpful.  While I'm feeling much better I'm not 100%, I am still having trouble eating certain foods.  If we're both home and I'm doing the majority of the parenting and packing (and laundry, feeding, etc) why is it on me to make dinner too?  Especially when cooking makes me want to hurl and all I'm going to eat is a can of beans? 

I told a friend today that sometimes he seems to be treating me like a bad employee.  This isn't normal behavior at all.  I know it's not really him but I still can't help but be hurt.  I am just ready to get to our new home and start the next chapter. 


This afternoon TC and I were able to run away to the Children's Museum in Tacoma with our BFFs.  It's so nice to have someone to talk to who I can tell all of to and know that I'm not being judged.  Someone who understands that life isn't always a fairy tail and admitting that isn't an admission of failure.  Someone to talk to face to face who understands.  I'm going to miss her!  We have a date on Sunday without the girls, we're going to my favorite winery to stock up on my favorite muscato since they only sell it there.  I'm going to chug it once I have this baby, kidding (maybe).   I'm also excited because Doc plays xBox all day on Sundays and leaves me to take care of TC, looks like someone's plans are going to be interrupted.  Petty and small of me, yes but in my head it's a little victory.

an honor

I have been going back and forth about posting this because it might just blow Doc's cover but we're leaving this unit so if you figure it out whatever.

It's been crazy seeing Doc's friend all over the news, on the cover of papers everywhere you turn.  But he deserves it, what Leroy Petry did deserves the Medal of Honor.  If you don't the story the short story is that he, after being shot in both legs, picked up a live grenade and tried to throw it away from two of his men, saving his men but losing his hand. To read the entire story go here.

I first met Leroy at a ball in 2009, we sat with him and his wife.  The sat right next to me so I got to talk to him a lot that night and he's a great guy.  I've mentioned countless time that Doc is very selective with his friends so if he takes the time to be friends with someone he's got to be quality.  When he did what he did he wasn't thinking about the repercussions, he said if he was he would have used his left hand!

That night I heard he was being put in for the MOH and I knew he would get it, just talking to him you can tell what a genuine guy his is and by talking to his Ranger brothers you can tell what a great soldier and leader he is.  I also got to spend a lot of time with his wife that night and that woman deserves her own medal.

Once the MOH was official the circus started.  Understandably, he's only the second active duty soldier to receive it for the current wars.  A few weeks ago Doc ran into him and asked him how he was holding up with everything only to realize there was a camera crew following him!  Crazy!

Yesterday I cried like a baby when watching the president put the medal around his neck.  He did something unthinkable for many of us but for him he did it without thought.  He exemplifies everything that a Ranger wants to be.  I am proud that my husband can call him a friend.

packing sucks!

I have all but one box packed of the first room, the office.  I ran out of packing tape so now that I'm restocked I'll finish that up tomorrow.  Doc asked why I didn't just use his 100 MPH tape (or is it 50MPH?) but I hate fighting with those rolls.  But really it's prefect, I am sure there is at least on box closed up with that stuff on every DITY move.  I also packed up all the picture frames from the walls and shelves.  I hate taking pictures down, even though we've never owned a single place where we've lived we've made special memories in each of these places.  This place the most, we became parents here.

I am excited for the new place, every time I try to find counter space to make dinner I think about all the counter space just waiting for me at the new place.  After looking at the website I think we are being given senior NCO housing but they know Doc's rank so I'm not concerned. 

I'm trying to figure out which room to pack next, I feel like I can't pack anything because we might need it.  I think I'll purge the bathroom, am I the only one who hangs on to old product because "I spent $18.97 on that shampoo"?  Like a few years in the closet is going to make an overpriced crappy product suddenly make my hair look like Jennifer Aniston's.  No more!  Some of this stuff has made the trip from Rhode Island to North Carolina to Washington and I am NOT bringing it to Arizona.  And I'm sure at some point this stuff turns to dust. 

Maybe I will pack up all the baby stuff my toddler doesn't need anymore (sad).  Of speaking of which, am I crazy for wanting to buy #2 a new crib?  I can almost fit 4 fingers through the slats on TC's crib and on at least 3 occasions she's gotten her big 'ol leg really suck in there.  Even with the breathable bumpers, she pushes them down.  The new cribs seem to have more narrow slat spacing.  That and I don't know about rushing TC out of her crib and into a big girl bed.  And for her big girl bed, should we skip the twin and just get her a full size bed?  Ugh, how about she's stays this size forever.

I guess that was sort of packing related, setting up a new room for her has me thinking these things.

As for tomorrow, watch out 4 year old frizz fighting shampoo made from nut oil or whatever the trend was in 2006 I'm coming for you!

pregnancy update

I feel the need for a pallet cleanser after my last post.  I haven't done any of these so why not start now?

How far along - 16 weeks 2 days


Maternity clothes - pants and shorts yes, skirts and dresses I can still wearing my old stuff.  I can still wear a bunch of my old tops but the smalls are not looking good!

Stretch marks - nothing new

Belly button - mine just kind of stretches out, it was still a little wonky from TC so that's how it still is.  In a few months I wont have one at all.

Sleep - I wish I could get more, at night when I'm tired I can never fall asleep and TC wakes up way too early

Best moment this week - nothing big, I fell so it was good to know after a same day appointment everything was good

Foods I'm loving - anything dessert like, I think I could live off of ice cream (which is why I don't keep it in the house)

Foods I'm hating - still hate meat, I made pork chops and sterak the past few nights and almost barfed when serving them

Movement - flutters here and there but who know it could be gas

Symptoms - nauseous

Gender - no idea, I am thinking boy.  I have a 50/50 shot of being right

What I'm looking forward to - nothing really, I have an appointment next week and after that I can set the 20 week ultrasound

What I miss - drinking, think what you want I want a stiff drink.  Being able to eat what I like and working out regularly (I just don't feel up to it).  I miss how skinny I was getting too.

Emotions - I'm all over the place but I think it's to be expected with the PCS and all the other drama going on.


Want to see how fat I am?

Yes the one I posted on twitter I looked bigger but this is me sucking in the bloat I have left. 

the more the merrier?

Last year Doc and I talked about having his dad come and live with us for a while.  At the time it was contingent on him finishing the inpatient rehab he was attending.  Well he didn't so the conversation what over.

Last week Doc decided that we should have him come out to Washington and help us move to AZ and then stay.  (Yes in the next few weeks.) I understand where he's coming from, I really do.  His dad isn't going to clean up his act in his current situation.  He needs to make a clean start.  For those who haven't been around his dad is a drinker and drug abuser, prescription pills I believe.  He's have several DUIs but when he's clean he's a great guy.  I think my issue is pretty clear.  I just feel like no matter what I lose in this situation.

Yes, obviously I want him to get clean once and for all.  I would love for my kids to have a grandfather, one that isn't going to flake out but at the same time so much has changed since last we talked about this.  Most obviously is the addition of a brand new baby, I am not even excited for him to be there to watch TC when I have the baby but someone has to be.  I think family bonding time is really important when a newborn comes home.  I love freely breastfeeding and napping and working out and whatever else I want to do when I want to do it.  Doc asked why don't I just cover up to BF, I hate doing that in public I refuse to do it in my own home. 

I feel like we will need this time to be sure TC knows that she is still 100% loved and cherished.  And lets face it, recovering from giving birth isn't pretty.  I know Doc's father would do his best to not get in the way of all of this but is that really fair to anyone?  The whole point to having him live with us is for him to be an active part of a family.

There are so many other questions too, he is on disability because he was thrown from a roof while working, would he be able to get that out of state?  Massachusetts is pretty liberal with it's programs and Arizona isn't known to be liberal at all, will they have things like the out patient volunteer place he goes daily back home?  How is he going to get around?  I'm not sure what the state of his license is at this point and I know I am not committing to driving him all over creation.  And then there is the major question, what if he relapses?  Doc says he would be out f that happens but it's not really an issue of if but how.   Would it be around our kids?  Would he hurt someone?  I know a few google searches would answer a few of these questions but this it Doc's deal and he hasn't even looked.

Of course there are the other issues like getting him cleared to live on post, who knows with the record he's put together.  The the other big thing is he would have to quit smoking, not cut back or just smoke outside.  Both Doc and I are anti smoking and don't want even third hand smoke in our home.

Where do I really stand on this?  I would be willing to give it a try, it's not forever.  If he needs this to finally get his life together then how can I deny that?  But at the same time I wish I wasn't in this situation...

our new home

I just got these pictures from the housing office and I have to say, I LOVE it!

Curb view

 

2 car garage

  

 Living room (next 3)

 

 

 

Kitchen

Hall & hall bath

Kid's room (only got a photo of one but there are 2)

Master

Back patio and yard

 

 Now I am really excited for the move, I really thought we were going to get one of the horrible houses I saw on the website but nope, we got a super nice one that was "no info available".  I'm given my landlord a move out date of 15 Aug so hopefully it is smooth sailing.

 I might be back with a real post later, we're talking about having FIL come stay with us for a while...

summer baby

When I think about where she was last summer I am amazed.  She was just rolling along like the chubbiest little helpless thing last July and now, now she's a person.

Here we go with talk about my daughter.  Lately she's really trying to be more independent and trying to talk more.  She's working on saying pineapple which is pa-pap-ta.  We are really working on "please" which came out as meh at first but is morphing to "peese".  She has picked up on us saying "bless you" when someone sneezes so now when some one sneezes or burps she says "blesh".  I'm excited for her to start saying more words, hopefully she'll be able to tell us what she wants so the tantrums can slow.

She's always looking for new ways to use things.  Everything is a phone, even her fruit.  This one is strange because I am not on the phone a lot but it did start when Doc was on TDY so I'm sure that's why.  If it's not a phone it's a hat.

It's been beautiful here in the McLewis area and I love little girls in the summer, little dresses and hats - swoon!  I just wish her dresses were shorter, what ever happened to those?  Maybe I need to find some reasonably priced vintage dresses.  We tried little TC run through the sprinkler but she hated it:

I wish I was more laid back about being outside but I'm so afraid of the sun.  Not for myself as I'm a nice toasty brown but for TC.  I load up the sunblock but I still get nervous.  I don't want to see her perfect white skin even the slightest shade of pink (or tan for that matter).  And when we go in the yard she heads straight to the shed and the "bad" part of the yard.  So we don't spend as much time outside as I would like.  I hope my sun fear goes away soon because I LOVE the sun and being outside.

And for your viewing enjoyment more of my love bug.

She got a new book at Freedom Fest.

And passed out on the way home (woot for extended rear facing, have questions - ask me!)

getting used to her new pool

A yummy Popsicle on a hot July day.

it starts

Doc came home today all ready to start this PCS process.  What Doc says goes, well he thinks so anyway.  Since he was starting to get things done it means I must too.  He was going through all of his stuff looking to return his issued gear, so basically he took all the crap that he's accumulated in the past four years and sprawled it all across the living room floor while he sorted with his clipboard and highlighter. 

I was doing my thing; eating breakfast, chasing TC, playing with her...normal stuff that needs to be done.  She has a cold so she was super clingy so I couldn't really but her down to do anything.  When she went down for her nap I took a shower and after my shower I straightened my hair.  It's not a quick process.  When I was done I sat down to eat lunch when the big verdict was in so I waited to watch that.  Doc comes waltzing in "so are you going to do anything today?"

Grrrrrrrrr.  I've been ready to start packing for a while now but I can't do it on my own.  He knows I wanted to start in the office but that is where the litter box is, all he needed to do is change the box and I would go in there and vacuum and get started.  What really pisses me off is while, yes he was sort of packing today that was actually his job.  When I lost my job he wasn't there helping me transition out. I had to do all of that then everything at home as well.  He should be doing his issues as well as helping me pack.

Anyway, I packed up all of our books, I think there are 5 boxes of them so it's a start.  What is really annoying is that most of them are HIS books!  Pack them up your damn self.  Oh well, hopefully it will get better.  I told him if we are doing this move ourselves I am not doing all the packing. Again.

In other news, I am thinking of turning off anonymous comments.  Since turning off the word verification I've been getting emails with spam comments.  They don't show up on the blog but the emails are still annoying.  That and I think it's kind of cowardly of people who have something to say to me to hide behind an anonymous moniker.  I'm putting myself out here and if you disagree with something I have to say we should talk about it, a dialog between two adults.  I have a few real life friends who comment with an anonymous commenter but they can always talk to me via email or facebook. 

So that's it for now.  We did have a great 4th of July weekend.  I am so thankful for my little family.