Mondays Are The Hardest

I am doing OK today, it's just the day in general. The start of a new week, alone. It's just depressing and ridiculously lonely. He left on a Saturday so each Saturday I feel the accomplishment of surviving another week (but really do I have a choice?) then on Monday I see the next 5 work days spread out before me and I think, damn that is a long time. Come Wednesday I will be saying that I can't believe that the week is flying by though so don't feel too bad for me :) No tears today, that is my goal.

Last night I was just about to give up on getting a call or an IM, and right then the phone rang. I think I am still living off of that high right now. We were able to talk to 15 minutes, that was amazing. He told me the reason it was so late was because he had to wait an hour for the phone. I love that he would wait an hour just to talk to me. He sounded to be in high spirits which puts me in high spirits! He also told me that he has been give a major formal compliment, obviously I am not going to post that because I try to stay away from specifics but those of you who know me (which is almost everyone because not many people read this...) you can ask. I am just so proud of that man. And it is not just because he's my soldier, he is an amazing one!

We are coming up on milestones in this deployment, the 4 week mark and Wednesday will mark the longest we have been apart since the fall of 2006 when we didn't see each other from the end of August to Thanksgiving. What really pisses me off is people telling me that I should be used to this by now. We've been separated before so it's no big deal. I just don't get it. Or I hear that it's not a big deal because his deployment is shorter than a lot of people. It only takes ONE bad day to change or even end a life. He could go over there a thousand times for years at a time and it wouldn't get easier for me.

When you have a network of army wife friends you have a daily bowl of mixed emotions. I have friends who's husbands are coming home in a matter of weeks and I have friends who's husbands are leaving in a matter of days. You go from excitement to sorrow in the blink of an eye. You know that both homecomings and deployments come with anxiety and uncertainty, you just pray that you will be able to help in both cases. By this time next week there will be another lonely army wife in my group who will know the frustration that is Monday alone.

Hanging in there

I come here and see the counter capturing each moment since he's been gone and it is hard to believe, we've got half of this month done! Right after he left and I was thinking in terms of days it felt like this was going to take forever but now it seems manageable. What I did when this all started was compare myself to other wives who are around me and that really messed me up. Yes, all of our husbands are in the army and most are deployed but we each have our own reality. So maybe this one has only broken down a few times since her husband left over a year ago - that is great for her, I am happy that she is able to be surrounded by so many people to give her strength. I can't think about her and decide that I am not doing a good job at this because I break down almost every other day.

What I am focusing on now is being 100% present and available for my husband. When he calls it is all about him, I am a Leo so this is not an easy thing for me! I know all wives think that their husbands are the best at what they do no matter what their job is but the fact of the matter is that my husband's "counterpart" is utterly useless. He cannot do his job which puts so much unnecessary pressure on DH. I was very proud of him with all of his buddies told me that if anything happens to them they know they are in good hands as long as DH works on them...but that is a lot of responsibility for him. So I pray for this other guy to get his act together so DH can have a little help.

When he calls, which is about ever 3 days or so (other than that we talk in Yahoo) I try so hard to sound strong and together. He knows me better than anyone in the world so I am sure he can see right through me but God bless him for not saying so. I am having a very hard time putting my needs last. Monday was a really hard day, it was the anniversary of my father's death and I was just a mess and DH called and had the nerve to have food poisoning! So he was too sick to coddle me. Yea, I was pissed off and I couldn't shake it. I know I was being selfish, he's in a war zone and I am home and safe but I wanted him to make me feel batter. It's hard not to just snap and tell him all of that but I was able to keep it in, he doesn't need to be distracted by me. Obviously now I know what a baby I was being and I am over it but at the time I was really upset with him.

We have our good times too, last night he made me smile a lot over IM, he was feeling a little better and more himself, actually asking me questions about MY life! Strange how self absorbed war can make some people :) So last night, even though I missed him so much, I was able to go to bed with a smile. So when you think about me out here all alone please know that it is not all tears and sorrow, I am doing just fine and for those times when I think I will not make it I some how pick myself up and continue on.

Alone again

I had a friend in town over the weekend and that was amazing. After DH left I I was so looking forward to having someone in my house to talk to who doesn't eat off a bowl on the floor! We have known each other since college, we have had some great times together - we probably know each other's deepest secrets - nothing can describe the overwhelming feeling of home having someone like that with you brings. We were 3000 miles from where we used to hang out but it felt like home. These days we discussed things like the deployment, marriage, home ownership, work where are 6 years ago it would have been classes, boys, vodka, water balloons haha - it's amazing how much can change in such a short amount of time!

But now she's gone.

I am, once again, alone. I dropped her off this morning and in doing so I felt a great sigh of relief, I know it is horrible to say but all weekend I was thinking about what a terrible hostess I was being. We would be having a perfectly good time and my mind would wonder off to a distant land...what was he doing at that exact moment? Will he call tonight? Is he OK? And I know that he is fine - he has to be but I can't stop the thoughts of "What if". She is a good friend and I am sure that she understands, well as much as she truly can.

I am at work now and when I go home I will be alone again. This week I am determined to take DH's advice - "Don't become a victim of your situation." Those words are sticking with me. I have a goal to lose 10 lbs while he is away and tonight I am starting my gym regiment. I am hoping to get at least 30 minutes of cardio and some free weights in. In about a week I will up my cardio to an hour. This way I can just make subtle changes to my diet and still see results. I know that the main benefit to working out will be my stress level -working out will give all this anxiety and outlet! Perhaps later I will post my weight and measurements so that I can hold myself accountable!

For now it is back to work and praying for my phone to ring!

One week down

So it's been a week. I week of sleeping alone and eating alone. I week of crying and worrying. One week down. One of the hardest weeks of my life and I am going to have to do it over and over and over...well you get the idea. I miss him terribly and there are moments when I don't think that I can do that but that quickly goes away when I realize that I don't have a choice so here I am.

I am one week closer to being back in his arms.

Watch out, this is an angry one!

I just got an email from an family friends from our old church asking me about DH...Apparently my stepmother sent out an email about him and not only did she not run it by me she didn’t even copy me on it! This woman (who had nothing but good intentions) found out about it from someone else from the church and they were talking about it in the freaken’ market! At least they don’t know his unit or anything like that and luckily they have his location wrong (I don’t even know where they got that) but really. I don't tell my family anything that I am not allowed to but they all know that the information they do have is on a need to know basis.

She thinks she has some idea about all of this because my brother and my cousin were deployed but they were with totally different branches never mind units! Why do you think I don't post any kind of details? It is a OPSEC (look it up) violation. I know I am overreacting a little bit but I would much rather over react now about something small and make sure it doesn't happen again than not react and maybe her next email will be even more ridiculous. I do feel bad because when I replied to the family friend who brought this to my attention I think I told her what I really should have saved for my stepmother but oh well.

I guess what is really bothering me is that I sent an email to my family and friends to let them know that DH had arrived at his destination safely and I requested prayers for him (and myself because I am taking this very hard). I only heard back from ONE person, that's it - one. Apparently everyone is too busy to take 2 minutes and say "Thanks for the update, we'll pray" on anything. My sister even told me that she saw it but didn't really have time to read it, didn't have time? This is it:

Hello all,

I just wanted to let everyone know what is going on here in(insert state). DH left for his deployment over the weekend, I finally heard from him today and he told me that he has made it to his destination (please don't ask where) is already busy with work. He has his address but didn't have it handy when he called, hopefully he will call again soon so I can pass that along. Please keep him and his coworkers in your prayers, maybe me too (as much as I hate asking for myself) this has been a lot harder than I anticipated.

Thank you

That was it, that was the enormous email that would have just screwed up her schedule. All I have heard leading up to this is that I have so much support and a family that loves you and all that crap - well you know what, I don't. I have people who will deal with me when it is convenient for them - why am I in such a rush to move home?

I am sorry that the tone of this is so angry, I promise I am not going to be angry this whole deployment but this blog is where I can let these emotions out so I can be strong when DH calls me.

I'm back

Well I never really went away but I just haven't had time to blog. A lot has been going on, we are going though a major shift at work so that has been once source of stress but the major thing is that DH left over the weekend. It was excruciating, watching him walk away when all I wanted to do was pull him back to me. But this is his job, this is why he has been training for years for...this is him.

So now I am back to my life...life on my own. I went to work today and it was so hard, I cried a lot as I worked, I can't believe that I actually accomplished as much as I did. The best part was that first phone call, I got one email from him when he stopped over before arriving at his destination and in the email he told me that he would call me in about 10 hours...that didn't happen. I spent all night last night willing that phone to ring and I kept my IM open on the old laptop next to my bed in hopes that he would log on...neither happened.

My cell phone has become a part of me, I take it to get my AM tea, I take it to our morning group meeting, I take it to the ladies room! If I miss even one call from him because I was too lazy to carry my phone I don't think I could forgive myself. Anyway, he finally called and told me he was there and he was safe and getting to work. Then it was time to hang up...yes I am tearing up right now thinking about it...I just could not say good bye. I am trying so hard to be strong with him but he knows that I will be OK without him and he knows how much I love him so obviously I am going to cry!

At the end of the day my boss gave me a card that all my coworkers signed with words of encouragement, it was so touching - living so far from my family is hard but having people around me who genuinely care about me feels amazing.

My husband has a relatively short deployment and for that I am so blessed but these next few months are going to challenge me in ways that I have never been challenged before. In writing my thank you to my coworkers I told them that this was the hardest thing that I have ever done and as I said that I was shocked. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done, the other things in my life like losing my father and other good friends were things that I had no say over. I chose to marry this man knowing what his job was, I chose to move away from everything I have ever known, everything in my life now is because of choices I have made. Then I got in my car and drove away...leaving my husband to fly off into harms way, but that was not my choice, that was his duty.