weekly update

First, I know I should touch upon my last few posts.  I will but not right now - this one is just about me.

Weekly miles

Sunday - 2.41 miles

Monday - 3.2 miles

Tuesday - 3.16 miles

Wednesday - rest

Thursday - rest

Friday - 4.1 miles

Saturday - 3.13

Weekly total 18 miles

October total - 60.74

I may hit 70 miles for the month if I grind out these next few days...I think I have my goal!  The time out there alone is exactly what I need given what I've been dealing with at home.  I can get away from all the bad thoughts.  I made myself a great mix of songs with all the old music on my iTunes so I plug the headphones in and it's just me.  I do have one word of advice, it you are going to run to Bye Bye Bye be sure you have the self control to not do the dance mid run.  I almost did it, it was hard to resist but I am glad that I did because just as they were finishing up there final "Bye" of the song a van full of soldiers drove by...could have been embarrassing.  

I am not an exercise expert so I don't feel that I am qualified to give advice on that but I am a cheapskate so I am more than happy to tell you about keeping this hobby from totally draining my bank account.  Sneakers that work for your feet are the most important, it is recommended to go to a running store and be fitted but that wasn't an option for me so I just read many many online reviews and lucked out on my first try with my Brooks Pure Connect 2, I don't even wear the orthotics prescribed for my flat feet and my shins have been mostly fine!  Brooks are great because they have a 30 days return policy, you don't like them return them in the 30 days and try a new pair.  I don't know all the specifics of it since I don't work for them and I am too lazy to look it up but if you're interested just find their website.  I don't like the idea of cutting costs on footwear but I did use my swagbucks and only spent $15 out of pocket.

As for running clothes I am a big fan of discount stores.  Marshall's has a big selection of shorts, tops, skirts, and pants at very reasonable prices.  I know Nike makes some really cute stuff but $35 on a pair of shorts is just silly.  I think I got all my shorts at Marshall's for like $10 each and tops for $7, totally reasonable.  I also keep an eye out for sales every time I am in Target or other stores, I got my 2 favorite running skirts off the clearance rack.  As I am prepping for colder weather I just bought a pair of running tights and capris, both on sale for $20.  When I get to Massachusetts I know I am going to have to spend a bit more for real cold weather gear - if you hear of any sales let me know.

Maybe I am weird but the thought of putting on cute workout clothing makes me all the more excited to get out there.  Here are a few of the things I have worn over the past few weeks.  (And I know my bathroom is a disaster...someone I share it with has to have EVERYTHING out!

My shins were bothering me so I wore my compression sleeves, looking oh so cool!

 

super cool fanny pack for my phone, only $10!

Today, when I got this shirt home I rip the tags off then tried it on, but huge is perfect for over tight pants!

 I am not as stylish as the ads in the fitness magazines but I can afford enough gear to get me through the week on one load of workout clothes so I'm happy!

This just in...

I only care about myself. Glad to know this now because my last 8 years as an army wife, the last 3.5 dealing with his injuries, had me thinking otherwise. 

Thank God he is here to remind me of these things, without it I may get through a day without feeling like I'm falling uncontroabally.  

another great reason to keep working out...

Ha!

♥ - Amber

it's the hard knock life, for us....

Good news, orders are in!  Bad news, they are wrong.  Seriously, it's like a big joke.  They didn't have the option to store our household goods which, since we are homeless once we leave here, we need.  Our orders have always had storage as an option, I thought that was just kind of automatic.  Apparently not.  We can't schedule movers until this is taken care of.

Doc goes to Ft. Irwin tomorrow for meetings on Wednesday morning to really start this process.  Cover your ears if you husband is deployed or on long term TDY - I can not freaking wait!  Get out of the house, please!  Before they told us it would be 5 days but I guess now it's just one, I will take it.  I am going crazy here. 

Things aren't good.  I don't think I have ever been as miserable as I am at the moment.  I am hanging on by the thinnest of threads.  All of this extra stress is not only getting to me as a major life change should but Doc is also taking his stress out on me.  Constantly.  When he is miserable he does everything in his power to make me miserable as well.  He will admit it, it entertains him to get me worked up (then he tells me to lighten up, like I should know what he's doing so I shouldn't take it personally).  I had it out with him last night, this is not fair.  It absolutely ruins my day.  As it should, who does that?  Who thinks that is an acceptable way to act?  It breaks me heart, I feel so worthless.

We have to get home, he needs to start his treatments.  I need support, I need be able to literally fall into someone's lap and cry.  He needs to learn to love himself again so he can start showing me that he still loves me.  I am so sick of waking up next to someone I don't recognize.  Something has to work...it has to. 

I, Doc, take you, Amber, to be my wife;
To have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to stand by your side;
To encourage and support you;
To be open and honest with you;
To laugh with you, to cry with you; To always love and honor you.
May my heart be your home, my arms be your shelter;
As long as we both shall live.

Eight years ago he made these promises to me.  He vowed to be my shelter.  I think he's forgotten.

♥ - Amber

weekly fitness update

Miles for the week

Sunday - 3.44 miles

Monday - 3.5 miles

Tuesday - rest

Wednesday - 4 miles

Thursday - rest

Friday 3.14 miles

Saturday - 2.41 miles

Total - 16.49 miles

October Total - 42.74 miles

A four miler, that was pretty exciting.  Since then my runs have pretty much sucked.  I will give today's not even 2.5 miler an A+ considering that when I woke up I didn't think I would be able to do anything, wine sure does hit skinnier me pretty hard!  I am defiantly happy with my miles for the week but I really need to do something about fatigue.  I think I may have to start traking my calories again just to be sure I am eating enough, there is no reason for me to consider eating my own hand after just 2 miles.  And right now, I am thisclose to taking a bite out of my computer because I am just so damn hungry even though I've been eating all day.  And to further prove that I need to eat more, I've lost more weight!  I've been weighing in at 127.5 for a few days now. 

I took my measurements this week and have lost another half an inch from both my hips and my waist and a full inch from my chest.  And this brings us to what I want to talk about today...my chest.  I was so sick of the huge post baby accessories that I had been left with.  When I measured a DD last spring I wanted to die, I hadn't nursed in months and that was a total weigh wake up call for me.  Before my babies I was a big B small C, happy firm perky don't-really-have-to-wear-a-bra-but-I-will-because-I-should boobs.  I knew I had it made, I didn't take it for granted either.

Where are they???  The tight belly is a lighting gift I promise, I left it in to let you see my stretchmarks.  No shame in my stretchy game!

After 44 months of either pregnancy or nursing with a 25lb weight loss on top of that things are drastically different.  I would bet I am a small B big A, I haven't been measured I am waiting for my weight to even off before I invest in some good bras.  But these days not wearing a bra is not an option.  They are just kind of there, and all of that nursing, well no one told me that I would forever be standing at attention!   But if I bralessly bend over gravity does a magic trick and turns them into little windsocks.

I don't know what I was expecting, maybe hoping they would just refill with the tissue like that of a 20 year old....but no, this is my new body.  It's a weird thing, while I am not at all happy with the shape of things I am not mad at them, I was able to feed each of my girls for over a year and for that I am blessed.  

♥ - Amber

realities for my girls

TC likes to draw on her magnadoodle, it's one of her favorite things to do.  She drew a picture of me, a big circle with squiggly legs and my arms over my head, I'm smiling.  She told me I am exercising.  She erased the picture then drew a picture of Doc.  Another round ball with limbs but he was sideways and his eyes were lines and his limbs were straight.  She told me that daddy was sleeping.

This is how she pictures us.  It's really sad, I am so sad for her and Addie that this is the only version of Doc they know.  A daddy who sleeps A LOT.  A daddy who spends most days with debilitating headaches.  When they scream and laugh and make all those loudly wonderful noises that children make they are told to be quite, you know, because of the headaches.

We don't go many places, they have a daddy who gets anxious in large crowds.  Their daddy stresses out about going somewhere that he's never been - anticipating all the ways he will be bothered.  Their daddy would rather be cold or even rude to a stranger just so he doesn't have to suffer through small talk.  I don't think their daddy will ever be friends with their friends' daddies.

Doc and I often joke that the only member of my family that he would have gotten along with is dead.  He and my dad would have really hit it off and they would have learned a lot from each other.  I saw a lot of the great qualities that I loved about my dad in Doc.  I was excited for him to be a father - the thought of my kids having a father as silly and playful as my dad was, serious and loving, comforting and caring - it brought me so much joy.

Now they have this shell of a man.  Sure, he has his good days, sometimes weeks but they are unpredictable and fleeting.  They have been robbed.  Who knows, maybe some day that man will return but if he does how many years will they have missed?  Will the damage already be done? 

♥ - Amber

My thoughts on the loss of an addict

I wanted to write about this in July when something high profile happened but it didn't feel right.  I've wanted to write about it so many times but it's important to me and I wanted to be sure that I got it just right.  This is something that has shaped my life through no fault of my own.  It is something that made me who I am today even though the problem is not mine. 

I love an addict. 

I have been let down by an addict. 

An addiction killed the person I loved most in the world.

It isn't a new story, young holywood is struck again by the drug related death of a raising star.  It happened this past July and it shocked many people.  He was healthy looking, had a steady job, a seemingly straight laced girlfriend - even knowing his past battles with addiction since the age of 13 or 14 many people were shocked.  When you think heroin you think seedy individuals, sickly looking.  If the death of this young man does any good I hope it is to people who fail to admit that they have a problem because they still look healthy, have a steady job, a relationship...denial is a big part of addiction.

Doc is pretty unforgiving about this stuff.  He feels that when you are a drug addict you deserve whatever comes to you.  He says it with such arrogance that you would think he's never done a single thing wrong in his life.  But the fact is that we have all done stupid things but if you're reading this than you've been lucky that your stupid thing didn't kill you.  No, answering a phone call while driving isn't the same thing as being an addict but just like you never think taking hour eyes off the road for a fraction of a second can kill you addicts don't think that one more fix/drink will kill them either.

Does a person's mistakes have to take away any good they have done?  And just because someone has made mistakes, maybe many of them, does it mean people shouldn't mourn or miss them?

I love an addict, my mother has been an alcoholic since the day I was born.  Booze and drugs are just a part of her life.  Even after being clean for 7 years she went back.  She thought, like many she could control it and just do a little.  She can't. If you ask her today she will tell you she is a functional alcoholic and she is fine with it.  As long as she can look relatively healthy, hold a job, maintain her relationship she's fine.  Make no mistake, at some point her drinking will kill her.  Will I mourn her any less because of the way she died? Nope, it will make me angrier but I will still mourn her. 

My dad died in a hospital bed surrounded by loved ones who sang his favorite hyms as he quietly slipped away.  Addiction killed him too.  Cigaretts. He was an addict, addicted to nicotine and the routine of smoking. His cancer wasn't directly caused by smoking but the smoking kept him from seeking help when he first felt sick and smoking made his body unable to handle treatment.  My dad was an addict, he died with different needles in his arms. 

It seems that people forget that addictions are all arround us, many of us have lost people we love to these vices and wether we like to admit it or not our loved ones are to blame.  We continue to love the people in our lives and honor the memory of those who are gone, if we can take anything from losing another young person please let it be to never give up.  Addiction is a life long battle that cannot be won unless the addict is willing or able to change.  Just as I won't feel ashamed for mourning my father who's death is mostly because of his own mistakes I won't feel ashamed for feeling sad that young man who made his own costly mistakes is dead.

fitness update

My big reveal picture on facebook.

Miles for the week

Sunday 3.24 miles

Monday rest

Tuesday 2.74 miles

Wednesday 2.07 miles

Thursday 3.11 miles

Friday rest

Saturday 3.08 miles

Weekly total 14.23 miles

October total 26.25 miles

It was an interesting week.  I have been experimenting with what I should eat and drink before a run.  Coffee is a must!  I don't know what I was thinking running before my coffee.  I also need to eat a little something but not a serving of steel cut oats.  I am still very new at this and I love learning what works for me and what doesn't.  If I go out on an empty stomach I am ready to fall over at mile 2!

With the cooler weather we've had more wind.  On Tuesday I thought I was better than the wind and it resulted in a much faster pace than intended and a really crappy run.  When the wind returned on Wednesday I decided to just go out and run a fast 2 miles and a 9:02 minute mile is pretty dam fast for me!  From there I went to the gym and walked a mile at 15 incline just to get a full 30 minutes in. 

I've kept up with my weight training and that feels good.  3 days a week, I pick things up and put them down.

This week I am ditching myfitnesspal.  I am going to see how I do without out.  I don't need to lose any more weight so I am hoping that I have done a good enough job learning what I need to eat to maintain. 

This week Doc referred to me as skinny a few times.  So while he's not quite the cheerleader I was looking for during this process he's getting there.  I know how bad he wants to get out there, to run himself like he used to.  I wish there was something I could do, to take the pain away...

Next week my goals will be more of the same but I am going to research breathing techniques, I've read a little bit about them and how they can really help you elevate your runs, we shall see.  Given the weather I would like my runs to all be 3 miles - maybe.  It was fun to go out there on Wednesday knowing I had a shorter goal and really push my speed.  Most of all, I will continue to remind myself

I will be back next week with some real posts, I promise!  


♥ - Amber

Red Sox!

Yesterday I had a great post in my head about my kids growing up with a Daddy with a TBI, everything that is different for them.  When I had a chance to get it out it was too sad to deal with so I put it on a shelf.

Today I have been a ball of emotions thinking about families not getting death benefits for their KIA loved ones.  It has been covered by many people and I would just like to cosign along with them.  It is gross and inexcusable.

So what I am going to give you is my excitement that the Red Sox are moving on. Here are pictures of the Red Sox games Doc and I have gone to together.

Fenway Park:
Sept 2005

May 2006 (excuse his total creeper face)

Safeco Field (Seattle)
2008 (2 games just days after he came home from his first deployment)

he does NOT take serious pictures

2009 we didn't know it at the time but TC was at this game

2010 - We went to 2 games with TC, her very first games!

Next summer I am hoping for many trips to The Fens...I am so homesick.

♥ - Amber

measuring up (fitness update)

Miles of the week

Sunday 2.7 miles

Monday 3.13 miles

September Total 64.5

Tuesday rest

Wednesday 2.58 miles incline intervals 1 mile run

Thursday 3.52 miles (my longest run yet!)

Friday 2.69 miles incline intervals

Saturday 2.22 miles

Weekly Total 17.85

October Total 12.02

One think I wish I had done when I got serious about losing weight this time around was take measurements.  I know the scale is not always an accurate measure of one's health or progress, as the fat turns into muscle pounds lost shift into pounds of muscles.  This information didn't keep me from doing a happy dance when the scale, just barely, said 120s and not 130s this morning (129.6 to be exact).  A little after a month into eating healthy and working out I did remember that I had a spreadsheet that I had used in the past so I pulled that up and started tracking.

I know, it's hard to see, just click on it and it will get bigger.  The very first date is from right after I found out I was pregnant with Addie, I had just started working out again and had lost about 5lbs.  The next measurement is from about 3 weeks after I had Addie, at 161 I had lost about 15 pregnancy pounds and still had 10 left to go.  Me and those last 10lbs did an awful lot of fighting that first year.  I was even down to 145 last fall but that all went to hell when I bought my first, of many, containers of egg nog.

Since my weight at the start of this final time was 152, one pound more than when I found out I was pregnant with Addie I will just use those measurements.  Losing 22 pounds is pretty amazing when I think about it but I think it's much more amazing to think that I had about 12.5 more inches of me.  That's over a foot of excess Amber that I was living with and lugging around.  Over a foot of unhealthy fat!  I don't mean fat the adjective I mean fat the actual stuff!  Just that image alone is enough to make me never want to gain it again.   

I think I am done as far as intentional weight loss is concerned but I am so afraid to give up my crutch, the Myfitnesspal app.  I've been eating 1200 calories a day for MONTHS and upping that seems like a slippery slope back to chugging egg nog from the container while no one is watching.  But the best thing the calorie counting has done for me is make me pay attention to portions and to know exactly what is in the food I consume on a daily basis (nutrition wise). 

This does not mean that I am done by any means.  I still have a lot of room to improve.  I need to tone up all over.  I did start using the weight machines this past week, Monday/Wednesday/Friday will be the days I add the weights.  I tried to get serious about my abs but I am really just so lazy about it.  I don't know what my problem is, I am just so lazy about my abs!  Soon I hope. 

♥ - Amber