marriage, it's hard

I have like 4 drafts of this post in my folder, I don't really like any of them.  The fact is, as you may have gathered from a few of my posts last week, we are in one hell of a rough patch.  He is dealing with his frustration all wrong and maybe I am taking things too personally.  I don't think I am but who knows...

He just cuts me down whenever he needs a laugh.  We have talked about it a little.  He still thinks that I should just know when he's kidding and not get so butt hurt.  I can't though.  He never compliments me so all I get are insults over and over and over again.  But you know, I should just know it's a joke.

I hate saying it but I feel like he's using his injury as an excuse.  I can accept that you are in pain, I can even accept the quick temper but there is nothing TBI related that makes you tell our three year old that her mother only cares about herself.  Nothing.

I will keep fighting the good fight.  I am trying so hard to push my hurt feelings to the side.  To talk to him when I feel like he wont shut down at the first sight of a disagreement.  Marriage is hard work but he needs to put the work in too.  He said the other day that he doesn't want to go back to counseling, he is sick of everything being his fault.  I have no idea if he is serious.  For me I am counting on getting home and starting up again.  It is a necessity, we have to work and we need help.

So that is where we sit now.  I have no thrown in any towel.  Things are just really hard.  Feeling like you come in last is the worst, like your time doesn't matter is dehumanizing.  I hope he's willing to work at this, but the fact is right now, he thinks we would be better without him.

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

♥ - Amber